Stuck on You (2003)

Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play conjoined twins who have been stuck in a rut together for 32 years, and decide they need a new start. They head to Hollywood where one can pursue his acting dreams, while the other courts a romantic relationship, but each remains an obstacle in the other's life. Since the Farrellys are also joined at the hip at this point, they pull a lot of the jokes and camaraderie from their own experience to inform the script. The result is just entertaining enough, but it falls short of the rest of their filmography.

2½ giant teddy bears out of 5

LOST RIVER [2014]

Actor Ryan Gosling tries his hand at writing & directing with the surreal neo-noir piece Lost River.
It tells the tale of a small family, living in a fantastical poverty stricken midwestern neighborhood, that the rest of the world has forgotten.
The average movie-goer will be quick to compare Gosling's style to David Lynch but that'd make it apparent the viewer doesn't know Lynch.  Gosling's more akin to Nicolas Winding Refn, Harmony Korine, Derek Cianfrance and David Gordon Green, with just a few minuscule hints of Lynch surrealism.  I make these comparisons because, although it's obvious Gosling has a promising knack for film-making in the future, here he has yet to discover a distinct voice of his own.  Criticisms aside, it's actually quite an interesting film that is haunting as it is beautiful in all the right places.

3 dino-heads out of 5

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES [2013]

The Place Beyond The Pines is a hypnotizing, slow-burning crime drama from director Derek Cianfrance.  

These are the characters Bruce Springsteen writes about in his songs.  Troubled Americans backed into a corner facing moral dilemmas and despair on the wrong side of the tracks.  The three lead actors, Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper and Dane DeHaan deliver some haunted and effective performances as always, while the cinematography, eerrie music courtesy of Mike Patton and wonderful narrative provide a memorably melancholy backdrop.   It will probably deter audiences simpy looking for a good time but comes highly recommended for lovers of great cinema.  

4 tastes of ice cream out of 5

HOLY MOTORS [2012]

Director Leos Carax makes his bold return to the cinema after a 13 year hiatus, with gloriously weird and hypnotizing Holy Motors.

It follows the bizarre story of a man who rides around in a limousine and assumes the role of a different persona with each stop he makes.  Some personalities are humorous, others disturbing, some sad and some just downright baffling.  It seems to switch from genre to genre with great ease, maintaining a certain tone and mood, while bouncing all over the place.  With memorable imagery, rich performances and batshit crazy situations, Holy Motors is an experience that doesn't come around every day.

4 Les yeux sans visage masks out of 5

Hitch (2005)

Will Smith has achieved the impossible. He's gone from being an engaging and charismatic leading man in his early career to churning out watery shit that even Eddie Murphy would be embarrassed to appear in. I hear Murphy is preparing to pass over his crown of shit to the young Prince.

0 Fuck right off out of 5

Training Day (2001)

Denzel bores the wind out of my ass with the Mr Serious routine in most of his films, which makes Training Day all the more enjoyable; he's fantastic as the cop with a hard-on for his job as a bent NARC. Ethan Hawke also shines as the butt-hurt noob with good intentions. It’s safe, predictable and over-long but has two damn fine performances from both leads.
Did I just recommend a Denzel film? I think I did. If it had a better ending it'd have scored higher.

3½ Jesus white-boy shower curtains out of 5

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS [2003]

First of many sequels in the mind-numbing "Fast & Furious" franchise.

Paul Walker returns, this time with Tyrese Gibson who putters along with absolutely none of the charisma Vin Diesel brought to the first film.

Eve Mendes, Common, Devon Aoki and an achingly boring villain played by Cole Hauser round out the rest of the lifeless cast.

There's bad movies that are still fun to watch for the entertaining performances, humor or extravagant action sequences (Bad Boys is a perfect example). This has none of those.

Skip this one.

1 Nap Time out of 5