Malone (1987)

Car trouble leaves ex-hit-man Malone (Burt Reynolds) in a small valley town, paddling around in an A-Team plot scenario that's equal parts reliant on the Western genre. The local villain is a ruthless land-buyer named Delaney (Cliff Robertson), a man who considers himself a true "patriot" of America. If that wasn't enough cliché for military-trained Malone to contend with, his former employees aren't happy to see him leave. There's a mechanic (Scott Wilson) with a teenage daughter (Cynthia Gibb), both of whom have a role to play, but it's Burt that carries it mostly, with a low-key performance that makes up for some pretty standard characterisation and mundane directing.

2½ stable jobs out of 5

Paternity (1981)

A weak and occasionally sweet comedy in which a forty-four-year-old Burt Reynolds wants to spurt Reynolds into Beverly D'Angelo. But he doesn't want any of that relationship nonsense, he just wants the baby. She's his emu.
It's as predicable as a broken traffic light, but it gave me one good chuckle.

2 biological functions out of 5

100 Rifles (1969)

A kind of hybrid of war film and western set in Mexico with an unusual level of diversity in its characters, including Yaqui Indians, a ‘half-breed’, a black lawman, and German and Mexican soldiers. The rifles of the title are to be used in an uprising, but keeping a hold of them isn’t easy.
A more engaging use of the component parts would've surely helped the film register as a larger blip on a western/war fan’s radar, but as it stands it’s mostly just average, peaking occasionally above the line.

2½ general incidents out of 5

Physical Evidence (1989)

The opening few minutes of PE pulled something exciting from its bag of tricks that I’d never seen before. Unfortunately, that left the bag empty. The remainder of the story, about a suspended cop and his stiff-assed attorney together on a mission to clear his name, is forgettable stuff.
I like Theresa Russell but fully acknowledge that she needs the correct kind of role in order to be believable, the same way Keanu or Jennifer Tilly do, but PE certainly isn't it and if it’s your first time seeing her you’ll maybe be put off for life. Furthermore, the only appealing element in Burt’s tired role is what he brought to it simply by being Burt.
It throws a few moments of courtroom drama into the mixture to break up the investigative side of things; they’re just as bland.

1½ nuisance phone calls out of 5

Smokey and the Bandit II (1980)

Smokey II is a number two in more than one sense of the word. Bandit and Snowman are once again picking up and dropping off for the Enos brothers, this time from Florida to Dallas, but the package is a little different than before. The same can be said of the comedy. Instead of relying on the natural comedic relationships that exist between the cast, the script is much too contrived and many of the set-ups fall flat. Things do improve once they get on the road, but by then it’s too little too late, sadly.

2½ pork rolls out of 5

Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

The Bandit and his buddy attempt to transport a truckload of contraband across state lines, but a disgruntled Sheriff—the Smokey of the title—and a drove of state troopers have a hard-on for him all the way.
The majority of the film is nothing more than an extended chase scene in which our heroes attempt to overcome complications and outsmart Smokey, but it never gets boring. The chemistry between the confidently smug Burt Reynolds and an adorable Sally Field is perfect. Throw some country music into the mix and you have a classic on your hands.

3½ big ten-fours out of 5

Cannonball Run II (1984)

Most of the principal cast return for the sequel, but the magic evaporates after the opening ten minutes. It flaffs around for too long with stupidity that feels like an attempt to apply the kind of spoof formula that Leslie Nielson became best known for, but the gags are weak and it doesn't feel like anyone is in an actual race until the last act. It’s a collection of good character actors given nothing interesting to do for 108 minutes.

1½ cosplaying car owners out of 5

The Cannonball Run (1981)

A comedy about an illegal 3000 mile automobile race across America, starring Burt Reynolds’ moustache (with an actual Burt Reynolds attached) and Dom DeLuise. They're backed up by a large cast of international actors who willingly take the piss out of their own status and iconic roles. The plot is paper thin, but the character-based gags and rivalries are still funny.
I’m almost certain TCR was the first Golden Harvest film I ever saw as a kid, which means it's likely it was my first ever Jackie Chan film, too.  0_0

3 speed limits are for guidance purposes only out of 5

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982)

I love me some Dolly and I don’t care who knows it. When she’s teamed with Burt Reynolds the good times get even better. When Dolly's onscreen it’s great. She looks like she’s having a blast making it, which helps her character be even more likeable. When Burt’s moustache is onscreen it’s equally great. He gives good smug. When they’re both there at the same time, playing off each other's charms, it’s awesome!
Unfortunately, when it's left to someone else to keep the hijinks high it stumbles with its pants around its ankles. No matter, there's enough D+B to keep it rollin' along at a steady pace, and there's songs!

3 hallelujahs out of 5

Not Another Not Another Movie (2011)

This is not a spoof movie. What is this? It's a satire on movie-making and taking shortcuts in the film industry from the perspective of a clueless PA. There are some parodies here and there (Titanic II, Die Hard In Space), but they're freestanding scenes that aren't really connected to the rest of the movie. So is it funny? Well, yes and no. There's actually some talent here; David Leo Schultz is hilarious in a broad, slapstick sort of way and you've got a bunch of big supporting names (Burt Reynolds, Chevy Chase, Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones) rounding out the rest of the cast, but the movie itself feels like one big chaotic editing mess. So do I recommend it? Eh...only if you're in the mood for a purposefully bad comedy*.

2.5 baby ninjas out of 5

*results are probably enhanced under the influence of alcohol

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Nary a titter did this piece of shit give me. I came away still in love with Lynda Carter even though she's my Mom's age, and a desire for a day full of AC/DC, so I guess I should give it half a point for that.

0½ Chucklehead yee-haws out of 5

In the Name of the King (2008)

A Uwe Boll film. It's Boll-esque. It's Boll-ox.

0½ FFW button out of 5