Stay Tuned (1992)

One of my favorite films as a kid that probably won't connect with everyone. If you were obsessed with television in the '80s and '90s, it'll strike a certain chord. A suburban couple is hooked up with a big screen TV and a satellite dish promising 666 channels, but the price is their immortal soul. They must survive 24 hours in the television landscape as they bounce from channel to channel. All of this is an excuse to parody everything from sitcoms, cartoons and music videos. This movie is amazing and I won't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Feels a bit like a love child between Beetlejuice and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

3½ horrifying meta realizations out of 5

Terror Tract (2000)

aka The House on Terror Tract

Real estate agent Bob Carter (John Ritter) plays storyteller as he details the troubled histories of three houses in this comedic anthology horror. The first ("Nightmare") is a simple sordid tale of murder and guilt with a twist. Reminiscent of The Tell-Tale Heart, this one is rather straightforward and predictable. The dark humor is most prevalent in the second segment ("Bobo"). Bryan Cranston plays a doting father who must deal with his daughter's beloved yet oddly dangerous pet monkey. The third ("Come to Granny") is the weakest as it hardly involves the home in question. The film's wraparound builds well between segments but sadly ends without a decent payoff. Ritter's increasingly frantic performance is what truly sells this B-movie.

2 Buff Bagwells out of 5

Bad Santa (2003)

The perfect antidote to the holidays. Unabashedly vulgar, a crude, drunk, self-hating, sex-addicted, lowlife conman disguises himself as a department store Santa in order to gain access to the safe on Christmas. A wrench is thrown into his plans when he unexpectedly finds himself mixed up with a idealistic fat kid who believes he's the real deal. It's the role Billy Bob Thornton was born to play. Manages to be touching without ever hinging on sentimentality, if that makes any sense. I blame it on Chopin's Nocturne #2.

4 blows to the nuts out of 5

Stephen King's It (1990)

We all float down here…
Creepy clown terrorizes kids and preys on the fear of the innocent in the peaceful town of Derry, Maine. 7 childhood friends—a merry band of misfits, losers and rejects (aka, STS)—are able to fight together and contain the evil, but only for 30 years at a time. Told concurrently between two timeframes, it’s the best coming-of-age story since Stand By Me. Tim Curry is terrific as the iconic Pennywise who controls through fear in a way that evokes the sinisterism of the original A Nightmare on Elm Street. For those who claim it’s not “scary” enough, remember that it was made for TV (a new R-rated remake is also on the way). I love this movie because it reminds me of the friends I never had, never will have, and why I watch movies in the first place.

5 deadlights out of 5

Terror Tract (2000)

AKA: The House on Terror Tract

John Ritter stars as a real-estate salesman who's trying to sell that one last house in this devilishly creepy horror anthology in the vein of the best Tales from the Crypt episodes. Each house he shows has its own unique and nightmarish back story. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and it still holds up. Bryan Cranston in particular is great in the movie’s second tale, as he battles an evil monkey named “Bobo.”

3.5 psychotic neighbors out of 5

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986)

Dolly the songbird takes herself and her gravity defying assets and hides out in the woods. Things get as silly as the title suggests and it morphs into a kind of Snow White and the Seven Kids scenario, with a real evil witch in the mix. Lee ‘Fall Guy’ Majors rides up on his horse and assumes a handsome Prince role.
I’ll never live this down but I rather enjoyed all the nonsense. Dolly sings some Xmas songs and life goes on as the credits roll. The film equivalent of pocket fluff, it’s inoffensive and throwaway.

2½ wigs and a pretty duck out of 5