The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)

Personally, I don't feel that the world needed any more shot-on-digital post-apocalyptic fuggin zombie movies, but I concede that a case could be made for TGwAtG. Penned side by side with its novel version (2014), author and screenwriter M.R. Carey's drama puts a disturbing biological spin on the condition. It's a shame that visually the film brings nothing new to the table.
Swarming zombie hordes (herein called hungries) are a dull and overused device. But the thinking characters, despite a baffling colour-swap, are well-cast and perform admirably, particularly young Sennia Nanua as bitey Melanie, surely the most challenging role of all. Melanie exists in-between; while she appears human on the outside, she's something less (or more?) on the inside.
As adaptations go it's very faithful, which is a positive thought to end on.

2½ sprouts out of 5

St Trinian's 2: The Legend of Fritton's Gold (2009)

It's a new term at St Trinian's, but instead of terrorising the classroom the girls are out hunting for pirate gold. It’s a ludicrous story far removed from the scholastic concerns that you'd expect to see, but somehow slightly more entertaining because of it. You could call it a kind of history lesson, I suppose.
As before, Firth and Everett kept me from slipping into unconsciousness.

2 under studies out of 5

St Trinian's (2007)

Our reintroduction to the all-girls school is alongside rich girl Annabelle (Talulah Riley), who gets enrolled by her waste-of-space father. She’s ill at ease in an institution where the girls make moonshine in the Chemistry lab and some of the staff are on drugs.
The Minister for Education is a wanker (art imitating life?) who wants to make an example of them, so the girls have to fight for their right to party.
Unless you’re a fourteen-year-old girl (or think like one) then it's a complete washout. For adults, the allusions made to things outside the film are likely to be the most entertaining (e.g. the horny dog, Darcy).

1½ belles with (hockey) balls out of 5

RUNNER RUNNER [2013]

Brad Furman's entertaining yet ultimately hollow thriller Runner Runner makes use of the crime-driven world of online gambling to explore a story rarely seen onscreen.
Justin Timberlake is serviceable as the protagonist because let's face it, the guy can charm the pants off a Duck Dynasty cast member.  It's Ben Affleck who steals the show as the dangerous and douchey head of the online gambling websites.  Sadly most of the fun ends there, unless it's beautiful scenery you're looking for, courtesy of Costa Rica (and Gemma Arterton).  The rest of the film is predictable, too complicated for such a short running time and void of any real thrills.

2 crocodile meals out of 5

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS [2013]

Dead Snow director Tommy Wirkola's Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a tongue-in-cheek continuation of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale.
The whole concept of H&G all grown up to become witch bounty hunters is sure to roll many eyes and with good reason but the film is fully aware of that and runs with the ridiculousness of the whole idea.  It looks, feels and is as bloody violent as Sam Raimi's earlier films, only lacks in the humour department which it tried hard to pull off but failed.  With a bit more wit and snappier dialogue the whole thing might actually be an entertaining movie but falls just a bit short of that.
It's not as bad as I thought it would be but still not that good.

2 cases of diabetes and eating disorders out of 5

BYZANTIUM [2013]

Director Neil Jordan returns to the world of vampires in Byzantium, based off the play written by Moira Buffini.
A dark, moody tale that jumps back and forth in time to tell the story of two vampire women constantly on the run.  It's broody slow-pacing makes for a compelling character study of these creatures rather than focusing on their powers.  There's no fangs or glittering in the sunlight, yet still manages to wash a rich, dark tone over atmospheric daylight.  The characters are as frightening as they are sympathetic giving Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan a magnificent script to work with.
A very wonderful treat for someone who felt like the vampire films have been done to death.

4 pointy nails out of 5

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED [2009]

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed is a twisty n' turny British thriller that's based purely off the fantastic performances of the three leads.    It's got enough double crossing and change of plans (nearly every 5 minutes) to really keep you guessing but never really leads anywhere emotionally.  I suspect it's a wonderful film first time around but doesn't offer much in repeat viewings, other than the acting. 

3 empty bullet shells out of 5

CLASH OF THE TITANS [2010]

Crap out of 5.