Michael (2026)

The long-awaited, "official" Michael Jackson biopic finally arrives, and I was its biggest skeptic. Honestly, while I was entertained throughout, it does feel less than impressive. It sands down most of the edges, but still manages to hit all the biggest story beats and peculiarities, like his obsession with Peter Pan and exotic animals (complete with CGI Bubbles), various surgeries and the infamous Pepsi incident. It only tells about half of the story (from 1966 to 1988) and basically turns into a concert film at the end, but mostly focuses on Michael's strained relationship with his abusive father and how he finally manages to break free and come into his own. His story is larger than life to match his massive talent, but the music speaks volumes and remains as iconic as ever. Jaafar Jackson (real-life nephew to Michael) embodies his spirit, even as I was put off by the uncanny valley cast by all the makeup and prosthetics involved therein. Michael had a real gift that can't be denied, even to those who are dedicated to smearing one's legacy. While it can be argued that it's heavily sanitized and has no teeth, it ends on a high note rather than a low.

The movie: 3 nose jobs out of 5

The music: 5 moonwalks out of 5

Note: It's amusing to me that Mike Myers basically plays the same type of executive character here as he did in the Queen Bohemian Rhapsody biopic.

Eternity (2025)

After death, a woman must choose between eternity with her first husband, who was cut down in the prime of his life, or her second husband, who she spent the last 65 years of her life with. It's a fascinating way to explore a love triangle, with cosmic implications. In terms of afterlife romantic comedies, it can't help but bring to mind Defending Your Life, and I mean that favorably.

3½ pretzels out of 5

THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT [2016]

The third (and last theatrical) film in the Divergent series, Allegiant, is the first part of the final book in the YA novel trilogy by Veronica Roth and coincidentally the final outing for director Robert Schwentke.
Get all that?  Do you care?  No?  Me neither.
Pretty young adults with expensive hair products fight against the heavy-handed government authority in dystop--...I smell catshit.
While the second film left off with some interesting character twists that would have made for some great conflicts, it's all quickly resolved in a matter of minutes and we're back to square one.  There's absolutely no character progression making the simple story all the more boring.  With the exception of few mildly exciting action sequences, the film is drawn-out, horribly paced and piled over on fancy camera-work over a large abundance of bad CGI.
The final film is in talks for a TV movie because of a poor box office performance but word-of-mouth is nobody cares anymore.

1 gas leak out of 5

THE DIVERGENT SERIES: INSURGENT [2015]

Director Robert Schwentke takes over as director for Insurgent, the second film in the Divergent series, loosely based off of dystopian YA trilogy of novels (and in this day and age means we'll get four films).
Tris & her friends (and their amazing hair) are all back, now on the run, must chose sides as their society is on the brink of a full-fledged war that threatens...well...you know the rest.  The genre has been done to death by now and there isn't a whole lot that differs from film-to-film.  Fortunately, this second film is brought to life with some nifty set-pieces, imaginative action sequences and stronger confidence in itself that relieves the viewer from the bore that was the first film.    It doesn't do anything to distinguish itself from it's peers but with a bolder sense of direction it doesn't feels as aimless.

3 sleepy suicides out of 5

FANTASTIC FOUR [2015]

Chronicle director Josh Trank enters into Hollywood blockbuster circle with the comic book movie adaptation of the Fantastic Four, only to be swiftly tossed out of the circle.
It's the good guys origin story sloppily sharing time with a bad guy trying to destroy the world schpeal only without any sort of personality.
The first act of the film is actually kind of okay but it quickly falls apart into a dull emotionless crap-fest that seems like it can't wait to get to the end and be over with.  There's absolutely no chemistry between the four core characters, the villain means next to nothing to the big picture and it lacks any sort of humor, fun or spirit that makes the MCU films so much fun.
Even Stan Lee couldn't have been bothered with his obligatory Marvel films cameo.

1 power outage out of 5

WHIPLASH [2014]

Writer/director Damien Chazelle's Whiplash is far better than what it might initially sound like.
It's about a young jazz drummer who yearns to be the best he can be at a music conservatory where he meets an instructor who will stop at nothing to make sure his students are nothing short of perfection.  J.K. Simmons delivers THE best performance of his career that one can't help but think of R. Lee Ermey's frighteningly humorous drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket.  Aided by some wonderful music, the film asks questions about the creativity, technicality and passion of the arts and what's worth more when it comes to your psychological health.  There's sports movies that aren't as excitingly intense as this, so much that I actually got up and clapped as soon as the end credits started rolling.

5 fucking limp-dick, sour-note, flatter-than-their-girlfriends, flexible-tempo dipshits out of 5

DIVERGENT [2014]

Neil Burger directs the youth oriented sci-fi fluff Divergent, the first part of a trilogy based off the novels of the same name.
In yet another dystopian future with great hair, folks are divided into separate factions based on their virtues, thus romance is born, enemies are made and once again it's time to overthrow that nasty ol' authority.  It seems to think it's more unique and wittier than it really is and instead comes off as a boring and predictable answer to the much more superior Hunger Games series.  It drags it's feet at a snail's pace to actually get anywhere which is insanely frustrating when you've figured out the entire story 5 minutes in.  If not for Shailene Woodley & Theo James' intriguing performances I might not have made it 30 minutes into this snoozefest which seems to be heading into far more interesting territory in the future instalments.

2 greatest fears out of 5