THE SIXTH SENSE [1999]

Writer/director M. Night Shyamalan's knack for telling creepy bedtime stories has become somewhat of a joke as of lately but that doesn't take anything away from the power that is The Sixth Sense.

This creepy and heartbreaking ghost story (as all ghost stories should be) about the need for communication serves the scares a plenty all the while grounding it with just the right amount of heart.  Shyamalan lays on the atmosphere something fierce with his beautiful, yet dismal, photography, keen sense of space & lack of and the command of excellent performances, particularly Toni Collette.

Years later and this film still sends chills down the spine while tugging at the heartstrings.  

5 shades of red out of 5

MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL [1975]

British comedy troupe badboys come out fists a flailing and coconuts a knocking in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Hitting a 11 out of 10 on the silly meter, The Pythons first original film never ceases to amuse no matter how bad a mood one might be in.  Top marks for the great deal of creativity used on such a small budget and difficult filming conditions.  It might lag in several scenes and is incredibly uneven near the end but the great moments that it does have, easily cements it as a comedy classic.

4 Trojan Bunnies out of 5

Julia's Eyes (2010)

I went into this expecting a horror movie, but what I got was a thriller with a couple creepy scenes. I was initially disappointed, but the movie eventually won me over. It's what I imagine a Mary Higgins Clark book would be like if they weren't all awful.

There were a few irritating, borderline plot hole moments, but overall, this was an enjoyable film. There are hints of Hitchcock here, and I was stunned at how effective some of its scenes were. If the movie's lead character had felt a little more believable, or had had more reasons for behaving so irrationally, this would have been great. As is, it's just good, but definitely worth a watch. It would've made a terrific Masters of Horror episode.

3 eyes that contain the universe out of 5.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS [2011]

Guy Ritchie reunites Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law in Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows for more eccentric fun.

Jared Harris and Stephen Fry make delightful additions to the cast while Noomi Rapace is sadly underused.  It's not as clever as the first and resorts to silly unnecessary CSI-esque slo-mo a bit too often but still keeps up the frantic and entertaining pace.  It might be a slight misfire, however if they maintain this quality I'd still be up for a third helping.

3 little horsey rides out of 5 

SHERLOCK HOLMES [2009]

Director Guy Ritchie set out to give Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes character the Batman Begins makeover with Robert Downey Jr. channeling Jack Sparrow as the title character.

What could have been a silly mess turns out to be thoroughly entertaining.  Right off the bat it's made apparent this isn't the Jeremy Bratt pip-pip Holmes, by inserting choreographed fights scenes and slo-mo CGI.  Unfortunately, Mark Strong and Rachel McAdams are painfully boring compared to the bromantic chemistry between Downey and Jude Law's Dr. Watson. 

Bad points aside, it can't be ignored that this is just good fun.

3½ ravens of death out of 5

Transporter 2 (2005)

The Stath returns for a sequel that’s like the first movie but kicked into a much higher gear. He hasn't time to deliver any packages this time because he’s too busy busting bad guy's heads and breaking limbs, as his honour demands. He’s unstoppable, like a cocky T1000 with five o'clock designer stubble. It has a kinetic fight scene with a hosepipe that even the great Jackie Chan would swell with pride to be a part of. Teams Stath with Jason Flemyng again which was fun to see. My only criticism is that it’s too short.

3½ crazy stunts in high heels out of 5

The Nameless (1999)

There was something about this movie that made me uneasy from the beginning. The subject matter is disturbing, and its horrors are put out on display, but that wasn't what got under my skin. It's just a well shot, well made movie, with neat little references to some horror greats.

The script isn't as strong as the rest of the movie, but I thought the first half was fairly strong. Things don't fall apart in the second half, but the early tension isn't maintained. There's a subplot that easily could have been done away with, and I think it would have been a tighter film without it. Still, I was satisfied by the ending, and was glad it avoided the messiness of other films of its ilk. It's not a film I'd stick on  best of lists, but I still liked it.

3 abandoned beach clinics out of 5.

The Perfume of the Lady in Black (1974)

Early on in this film, I got my impression that my overall enjoyment of this film would heavily depend on its ending. This wound up being true, but not in the way I was expecting. It's a slow burn that sometimes drags, but is stylistically interesting. In moments, it almost feels like a play, and having seen it through to its finish, I'm almost sure it's intentional.

There are films of this type that are better done, and there are plenty of things about the movie that bother me. I'd have to rewatch it to decide how much. Still, there's something about this that really worked. One sequence in particular will remain in my head for a very long time. Warning: don't image search this unless you want to be spoiled.

3 unusual plates of cat food out of 5.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS [2011]

Director Francis Lawrence has a knack for setting up great atmosphere, interesting characters, fascinationg settings only to mess it up with some sort of *ahem* elephant in the room.

Sadly, like Constantine & I Am Legend before it, Water For Elephants follows that to a tee.  What could have been an fantastic film about a veterinarian student & an elephant traveling with the circus during The Great Depression, turns into a sappy love story with Reese Witherspoon playing the elephant I mentioned before. 

Such a shame.  It still has it's merits but is ultimately ruined by pushing a forced love story into the mix.

3  pricks with a stick out of 5

LEBANON [2009]

Set during the first Lebanon war in 1982, Total Eclipse director Samuel Moaz takes us on a claustrophobic and tense journey following four Israeli soldiers.

Lebanon takes place completely within a tank, using the limited view of the gunsight to follow what's going on outside resulting in an intensely effective sense of disorientation.  However the films biggest flaw is it's lack of character development, making the soldiers seem just cowardly without really seeing any other side of them.

Nevertheless, it's unique style, sound effects and atmosphere sets it apart from the long list of war films before it.

3½  pissbuckets out of 5

The Transporter (2002)

Jason Statham transports packages from point A to point B with no questions asked, until one day the shit hits the fan and there are more than questions flying his way. It’s a typical Luc Besson penned comedy/action flick. The most amazing thing is that it makes any sense, because the people involved didn't speak the same language off-set. It had a French production, a Taiwanese actress, an English actor and a Hong Kong director. Nevertheless, it’s a fun, fast paced action romp, the kind of thing The Stath does best. Good times.

3 opportunities for Stath to rip off his shirt out of 5

AFRICAN CATS [2011]

Alastair Fothergill, one of producers behind the amazing Planet Earth documentary series, brings us African Cats.

We follow the lives of several lions and cheetahs making a living for themselves in the cruel, unforgiving African wilderness.  Narrated by the overly expressive Samuel L. Jackson, the film is quite obviously aimed at children but spends most of the time dealing with death, dying, killing and loss that makes for an all around dismal experience.  

Apart from the beautiful photography, African Cats is a bit unbalanced and can be pretty depressing at times.

3 "crazy credits" out of 5

FIST OF THE NORTH STAR [1995]

Hellraiser II director, Tony Randel brings the popular manga Fist Of The North Star to the screen and it stinks.

With some hokey but fun gory effects and some low-budget yet interesting sets, Fist was obviously made with some genuine love for the source material but that love got lost somewhere during the production. The painfully annoying characters spurt out loads of flat dialogue, the editing is completely nonsensical and the story is so predictable you'd think it was a Saturday morning cartoon.

Christ. *shakes head*

1 "mullets...so many mullets" out of 5

Vertigo (1958)

Everyone has their favourite Hitchcock film. Vertigo is mine.
A retired detective reluctantly takes on a new case at the request of an old friend. It’s an unusual case that leads him into a spiral of doubt and conflicting emotions. To the casual viewer it doesn't matter that it explores the fat man's favourite themes from a different perspective, or that it’s full of technical innovation, because the plot is fantastic and it has Jimmy Stewart as the leading man. That’s recommendation enough.
Hitchcock aficionados will happy-clap at every turn and change in lighting.

5 sentimental souvenirs out of 5

Children Who Chase Lost Voices from Deep Below (2011)

This movie makes me excited about the future of animation. It's flawed, but it's so masterfully made that watching it reminded me of everything I love about animation. It's clearly influenced by Ghibli, but not in a rip-off way - more in a way that makes you feel like the world will still have Ghibli esque films after Miyazaki is gone.

It's overwhelmingly beautiful and so imaginative I could watch it endlessly, but I had a hard time connecting to the characters. They're relatable on paper, but their emotional plights never really got to me. Maybe I was distracted by all the pretty. It also felt like some scenes may have been cut - there's a Chekov's gun that goes nowhere. In spite of those problems, this was stunning, a joy to watch, and I can't wait to see it again.

4 scarfs wrapped around an arm out of 5.

NIGHTMARE FACTORY [2011]

Gore enthusiast documentary director Donna Davies takes us into the world of cherished SFX & make-up artist Greg Nicotero in Nightmare Factory.

Nicotero, who studied under Tom Savini, is joined by John Carpenter, Quentin Tarantino, Simon Pegg, Sam Raimi, Frank Darabont and many more, to explore his career right back to his super 8 films as a kid.  It's an interesting behind-the-scenes look for horror hounds and folks interested in seeing the blood, sweat & tears put into filmmaking.  For anybody else, it might be a bit boring...but fuck 'em.
I loved it.  

3 spoon-fed Predators out of 5

GNOMEO & JULIET [2011]

Gnomeo & Juliet is Britain's failed attempt to jump on the Pixar & Dreamworks bandwagon.  

Instead of anything original, it's a blatant rip-off of Toy Story & Over The Hedge set to the classic Shakespeare play.  It's filled with bland dialogue, uninspired characters and predictable scene set-ups.  Such a disappointing waste of a near perfect cast.  There's not much here for anybody over 10 years old...and even then, there's so many better films for a 10 year old.

2 purple is the way to go out of 5

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)

SK3 is a sequel to the first film. You don't need to have seen SK2. That's for the best. Lacking that particular prerequisite is the best thing abut it.

It picks up the story of some years after the first film's end. Victor Webster takes over the role of Mathayus, who's once again a brooding mercenary.

The camera-work is shoddy; the editing is bad; the continuity department must've been on vacation; and Billy Zane is useless.

Despite that, I may be the only person in the western world that thought it was okay. It had a few likeable characters and some unintentional humour. And, crucially, it was a shit-ton better than the SK movie that came before it.

1½ pissy wine-skins out of 5

The Secret World of Arrietty (2010)

The Borrowers has been adapted so many times that Ghibli doing this movie felt almost disappointing. I was a fan of the books as a kid, but a part of me wanted to see them bring their magic to a different childhood classic. But in spite of my objections, I walked away from Arrietty satisfied.

Arrietty is a simple, quiet movie with lush visuals that threaten to steal the show. I'm pretty sure I could watch the movie with the sound off and be perfectly entertained. There's not a whole lot of plot here, but that works for me. Instead, it's a tale of yearning and how beautiful the world can be. This isn't Ghibli at their best, but it's still pretty great. Watch this one subbed if you can, because there's some cheesy music added in dubbed version.

4 sugar cubes and tissues out of 5.

Wu Xia (2011)

I went into this movie hoping for spectacular action scenes, and while it delivered on that front, I wound up getting a whole lot more as well. Wu Xia combines martial arts with film noir and elements of Sherlock Holmes, and it comes together beautifully, elevated by some stunning visuals.

I'm a sucker for a good intellectual stand-off, and I got that here. Donnie Yen is one of the greatest action stars working today, but he also has some acting talent, and gives his best performance to date here. My only real complaint is that the movie's a bit unoriginal, but I don't need a film to reinvent the wheel when it's as entertaining as this one.

4.5 one-armed swordsmen out of 5.

Invasion of Alien Bikini (2011)

Somehow, Invasion of Alien Bikini manages to be even weirder than its title suggests. The premise of the film involves a sexy alien who needs the sperm of a human male, and I was hoping for a bizarro sci-fi comedy. Instead, I got a movie that was always strange, frequently dull, and misogynistic in a way that made me uncomfortable.

It's not like I was expecting well crafted female characters here, but the realism of its fight scenes made it hard to take this movie as tongue in cheek. At times, I felt this movie was going for something I wasn't really getting, but the pacing was so excruciating I wasn't willing to spend time deciphering it. Mostly, I was just glad it was over.

1 painfully long game of Jenga out of 5.

Clueless (1995)

This is a movie that will always be elevated by my own nostalgia, but I still think it's pretty good for what it is.  Cher is too obviously ditzy and most of its cast is underdeveloped, but there's some genuinely great dialogue here, and it's one of the better modern adaptations of a classic I've seen.

It's not as smart as some of Amy Heckerling's other films, but it's not as dumb as its leading characters often are. The fictional slang is especially well crafted. If you can get past the annoying tendencies of the leads and the fact that the love interests are former step-siblings, it's a pretty fun movie. Paul Rudd will forever make me swoon.

3 virgins who can't drive out of 5.

Silent House (2011)

I was excited going into this. It was a horror movie based on something I hadn't watched, shot in a single take. Sadly, it failed to live up to any of my expectations. The appeal of real time films is how they build up tension, but this film never really tried to do that. Its single take is just a gimmick, and not a very good one, since there are some obvious scene changes. I spotted the plot twist early on, and I doubt it would have been satisfying even if it was better executed.

What saves this movie is Elizabeth Olsen, who gives a stunning performance and does her best to elevate the shoddy script. She deserves to be doing better films than this one, but I was impressed enough by her to give this movie a better score than it probably deserves.

2 boxes of Polaroids out of 5.

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)

A straight to video prequel to a spin-off of a sequel of a remake.
Whoever green-lit SK2 needs elected to be castrated with a spoon. It really is that bad. Simon Quarterman is the only person that manages to keep his dignity intact; he’s like a young comedy version of Richard Harris.

0½ dusty Greek myth out of 5

NEVER LET ME GO [2010]

Director Mark Romanek & screenwriter Alex Garland adapt Kazuo Ishiguro's dystopian sci-fi novel Never Let Me Go with great success. 

This profoundly thoughtful coming of age drama is brilliantly disguised as a sci-fi film about harvesting clones.  We know from the very opening shot how it ends but forget as the film flashes back in time and focuses more on everything in between, leaving us emotionally unprepared for the inevitable.  Romanek makes use of warm colors and distant shots, giving it both life and a sense of lingering death.  The cast is perfect and never goes overboard with melodrama.  As devastating as the film is, it begs the viewer to make the best of what you have while it lasts.

5 sacrifices for nothing out of 5

THE GREEN HORNET [2011]

Director Michael Gondry's bromance superhero adaptation of the 1930's radio serial, The Green Hornet reeks of studio interference, last minute re-shoots & rewrites and multiple cast changes.

Besides Gondry's beautiful use of color and inventive camera work, everything else is just a huge mess.  The cast all look like they know they're out of their element except for Cameron Diaz who seems natural.  I suppose she's used to being in shitfests.  A misguided flop of a film that I so wanted to be a lovable underdog but fails on all levels.

2 one-inch punches out of 5

OCEANS [2009]

Jacques Perrin's nature documentary Oceans is a beautifully shot piece that fell victim to American distributors.  In it's original form it tells the story of the 5 oceans of the world, it's inhabitants and how us, as human beings, are destroying it.  When the film arrived in the U.S., 20 minutes was cut, ignoring how we're destroying the oceans to give it a G-rating for the kids.  Instead it's just a awe-inspiring look at the ocean's creatures, set to the wonderful music by Bruno Coulais.  Either way it's beautiful but the European release is the one that comes with a purpose.

3 Disney, fuck you's out of 5 for the American release.

4 Humanity, fuck you's out of 5 for the European release.

FASTER [2010]

After a long string of bad kiddy films, Dwayne Johnson returns to fine form in 2010's stylish revenge flick Faster.

The Rock looks great seething with hatred and anger as he mows down the bad guys in whatever way seems fit.  Unfortunately the film gives away it's mystery 30 minutes in and becomes predictable for far too long.  The dialogue could have used a little more flash and perhaps setting the film in a different era might have helped the attitude a lot more.  Don't expect any surprises but if you know what you're expecting it's a guaranteed good time.

3 bad days at the office out of 5

The Scorpion King (2002)

The Rock's first real acting job is a sword and sorcery action adventure. It’s a prequel story to his piss-poor cameo in The Mummy Returns (2001) and the role is perfect for him, playing to his strengths and his charms. He gets to do everything he did in the WWE: throw people about, look manly, seduce the ladies without even trying and give us that raised eyebrow that makes him look smug and endearing. Kelly Hu saves the costume dept some cash by being half-naked most of the time. Mercifully, the irritating comic relief sidekick can be easily ignored the majority of the time.

3 cheers for the Dwayne out of 5

March of the Penguins (2005)

I don’t have the Nat Geo channel or the Discovery channel, so this kind of natural history documentary is something magical to me. It follows the Emperor penguins of Antarctica as they make their annual journey to their breeding ground, approx 70 miles from where they start out. And that’s only the beginning of the hardships. There are moments where I laughed with joy, and as many moments where I cried in sympathy. It’s narrated by Morgan Freeman who did a commendable job. The next time you think your life is tough, watch this, you pussy.

4 months without food out of 5

Troll 2 (1990)

A vacationing family is terrorised by a gaggle of vegetarian goblins (I don’t know the collective term for vegetarian goblins, so I'm winging it) who want to turn them into plants so they can eat them. I'm not making this shit up; I couldn't even if I tried.
There are no trolls. They're goblins. I'm no authority on the anatomical differences between a troll and a goblin, but they were definitely goblins. Perhaps the part of the script that had trolls was used to wipe someone’s ass during shooting. Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed the shitfest. It fits snugly on the 'so bad it's good' shelf.

1½ times I've been successfully trolled (or goblined) out of 5

THE KILLER INSIDE ME [2010]

Based off the classic crime novel by Jim Thompson, The Killer Inside Me is a disturbing and haunting noir that's a challenging watch due to some of it's brutally graphic violence against women.

Texas in the 1950's makes for a fascinating backdrop for this host of icky characters, with Casey Affleck's sociopath being the center of it all.  Affleck's skin-crawling performance is so damned creepy and played down I'd recommend the film based on that alone.  It's beautifully shot with a style I can't quite pinpoint, however it's the distance of each character that makes it difficult to get emotionally attached to.  

3½ Goldberg Variations out of 5

HARRY BROWN [2009]

Harry Brown is an intense, gritty British revenge film carried by Michael Caine in the title role.  Plot-wise, it's fairly predictable and offers no real surprises, however it's everything else in the film that captivates you from the very beginning.  The tension gets heavier and heavier, barely leaving the viewer any room to breathe, while Caine's subtly brilliant performance is complimented with an astonishing well-rounded out cast.  As dark and violent as the film gets, it packs an emotional punch that most revenge films seem to lack.  

4 Elephant & Castle's out of 5

JOHN CARTER [2012]

Andrew Stanton, the director of Pixar classics Wall-E & Finding Nemo, jumps right into his first live-action feature with John Carter, a blockbuster adaptation of Edgar Rice Burrough's classic Barsoom series.

With series like Star Wars, Conan and many more stealing more than it's fair share from Barsoom, the film comes off as nothing original or new.  The pacing is heavily uneven, there's too many characters to focus on and you just get the feeling it's missing something huge from the story set-up.

Bad points aside, John Carter is corny, pulpy fun that sets out to purely entertain..

2½ men named Virginia out of 5

MY SOUL TO TAKE [2010]

Director Wes Craven steps off his throne of Campy Slasher Flicks and into another steaming pile of shit.

My Soul To Take is an uninspired boring mess that seemed to be made to solely fill contractual obligations.  It's uncharismatic cast fill the shoes of stereotypical characters who act nothing like teenagers.  Old Man Craven has no idea what a typical teenager is and it becomes quite clear that he should stick to having other writers do the work for him.

Just crap.  Utter, utter crap.

½ shitting n' puking condors out of 5

Devil's Advocate (1997)

Keanu steps out of his comfort zone and plays a smart guy for a change. He does it well, which is doubly impressive as he shares screen time with Al Pacino and still manages to impress. Pacino gets to overact as usual, but the role calls for that kind of hoo-hah, so it’s most welcome. The film has some great dialogue and if not for the facepalm ending (which admittedly would've worked well on paper, but sucks ass on screen) I'd have scored it higher. Hit stop five minutes before the end and make it a better film.

3½ money turns people into assholes out of 5

EXPORTING RAYMOND [2010]

Phil Rosenthal is hired to adapt his hit sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond for Russian television and hijinks ensue in the 2010 documentary Exporting Raymond.

An often funny and insightful look at the cultural differences & similarities in both television and general life and how the studio execs on both sides of the ocean just don't get what Raymond was. Even if you're not a fan of Raymond, this film is well worth a viewing to get a look at the process and pain that goes into such an ordeal.

4 Russian Al Bundy's out of 5

RED [2010]

Loosely inspired by Warren Ellis' comic book mini-series, Robert Schwentke's RED isn't everything it could have been but is still takes you out for a good joyride.

With a veteran cast made up of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox and Richard Dreyfuss, it comes as a surprise that Mary Louise-Parker and Karl Urban are the real scene-stealers here.  It's an outrageous, funny, violent action-comedy that's based more on it's cast rather than the script.  Not great, but fun enough to kill two hours.

3 gun-stuffed pigs out of 5

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT [1971]

Brit comedy badboys Monty Python's attempt to gain success in North America is a bit odd.

And Now For Something Completely Different is a collection of their best sketches from the first 2 series of the television series Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Refilming the sketches hurts a few and improves others.  Nevertheless, if you're unfamiliar with The Pythons then this is the perfect place to start.  It's damned funny and still holds up some forty years later.

3½ killer cars out of 5

Sid and Nancy (1986)

According to sources close to Sid at the time, this shit-fest is almost 100% fictionalised. You could argue that the five minutes of absolute genius director Alex Cox gives us is a stylised metaphorical narrative on the brief life of punk; or perhaps it’s a commentary on the fictions that surrounded Vicious at the time using a similarly styled methodology? I considered that and then decided it didn't really matter. It’s still a fucking train wreck of a film with bad acting, bad storytelling and the most hateful female protagonist ever.

1 dead groupie out of 5

Anything for Her (2008)

Aka: Pour Elle

French drama about the lengths a man will go to in order to protect and rescue the woman he loves from the system and from herself. How far is too far? He walks the fine line between fulfilling an objective and succumbing to an obsession. The two leads are utterly believable and even when the story hurries over a few things to keep the pace it remains matter-of-fact and extremely powerful.

3½ beatings in a back alley out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES [2010]

Sylvester Stallone recruits a who's who list of other 80's action stars to kick some ass along side modern action stars.  The premise sounds like a healthy shot of guilty pleasure testosterone.

Only it's not.

Instead it tests the viewer's ability to not find something else better to do.  So many frustrating moments of half-baked action that could have at least resorted to some sort of interesting cliched conflict but never pans out into anything other than grunts & snorts over CGI blood.
Feck this wasted opportunity.

1½ for 3 cool fight scenes out of 5

D-WAR [2007]

Former comedian Hyung-rae Shim directs this South Korean attempt to create a profitable film industry. Instead of the blockbuster they intended, D-War is more or less an amateur shitfest that seems like Michael Bay's Transformer series only with dragons and less flare.

The characters are one dimensional, the story is childish and the action is so straight forward you can't wait to see to see how bad the next "dramatic" scene plays out instead. 

In short: I wrote better shit with my toys as a kid.

1 "at least the dragons looked cool" out of 5

SUNSHINE [2007]

Director Danny Boyle directs the slow-burning sci-fi thriller Sunshine from a script by Alex Garland.

Taking obvious inspirations 2001: A Space Odyssey & Solaris, Boyle crafts an effective mood more interested in creating fear with cabin fever rather than asteroids & aliens.  Perhaps the most interesting character is the sun itself, which seems to live and breathe every time it's on screen. As great as the build up is, things nearly fall apart when it decides to revert to slasher flick silliness near the end.  None the less, it's a interesting thoughtful film that takes an outrageous idea of man against God and makes it personal.

4 victims of Pompeii out of 5

For an alternate expanded review see The Cuckoo Clock

GO [1999]

From director Doug Liman & Tim Burton writer John August comes this fast-paced action comedy.

GO is like a John Hughes film filled with guns, drugs & sex with the morals and non-linear story telling of a Quentin Tarantino flick.  It may not be breaking any new grounds but with it's high octane pacing, clever dialogue and fresh-faced cast it'll be over before you know it and without a bad aftertaste.

3½ homicidal cats drug hallucinations out of 5

LORD OF ILLUSIONS [1995]

Clive Barker directs his own film adaptation of his Books Of Blood short story "The Last Illusion", fleshes it out and re-titles it Lord Of Illusions.
Barker cleverly combines Hollywood noir with dark fantasy but sadly it never really becomes much more than that.  The acting is boring, the plot is unfocused and the characters are pretty much paper thin.  Another Books Of Blood misfire.
Oh well.

2 Charlie Manson wannabes out of 5

WAR HORSE [2011]

Steven Spielberg brings Michael Morpurgo's children's novel War Horse to the big screen with mixed results.  It rapidly goes back and forth between run-of-the-mill emotionally manipulative schmaltz to moments that are actually quite engaging and effective.  Not one of Spielberg's best nor is it his worst.  

2½ barbed wire missteps out of 5

HOLY FLYING CIRCUS [2011]

Tony Roche created this bizarre exaggerated retelling of the controversy that surrounded the release of Monty Python's 1979 biblical satire Life Of Brian.

Told in the surreal style of a Python sketch itself, Holy Flying Circus is a bit of a hit and miss.  The first half of the film is pretty slow but with a little help from the excellent casting of the Python themselves, you'll be rewarded once you reach the final act.

3 puppet fights out of 5

Lynch (One) (2007)

A portrait of director David Lynch as he wastes time at his desk, photographs old factories, says “Fuck” a lot and occasionally puts in some hours directing his first DV film, Inland Empire (2006). The people that surround him come across as false and I wanted to force blunt things into their eyes; I hate false people. Lynch himself comes across as an occasionally funny, occasionally arrogant and often-times dedicated to a hundred different things all at once meandering artist. It offers no great insight into anything whatsoever, but is a nice snippet of the life of one of the great auteurs of our time.

2½ floors are the biggest ashtray out of 5

QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY [1997]

Camp director Mick Garris has a lot of fun adapting two lesser known short stories written by horror authors Stephen King and Clive Barker.  

The Chattery Teeth segment, based on King's Nightmares & Dreamscapes story looks like it was more fun making it than watching it.  While Clive Barker's Books Of Blood story The Body Politic is actually really entertaining not unlike one of Buffy The Vampire Slayer's campier episodes.  Matt Frewer gets top points for taking it that extra step to make it better than it really is, while Christopher Lloyd seems horrendously out of place in a silly wig. 

2 reigning hands out of 5