Predators (2010)

Using a plot device that every sci-fi TV series in the history of ever has used, sometimes more than once, means Predators feels like it’s been made hundreds of times before. Swap crab-face out for some other alien and it would play out exactly the same.
Adrien Brody was miscast. The remainder of the team were stock types, especially token female. Michelle Rodríguez must've been busy elsewhere.

2 nobody ever needs to piss out of 5

LAWLESS [2012]

Director John Hillcoat & screenwriter Nick Cave adapt Matt Bondurant's historical crime novel The Wettest Country In The World with a violent and ruthless passion.

Lawless has all the brutality and harsh language you'd come to expect from Hillcoat & Cave and then a little bit more for good measure.  Each actor takes their roles quite seriously and it rewards with great effect and discomfort, particularly Gary Oldman and Guy Pearce.  
It's cold, dusty and harsh world where there's always music in the air.  Not for the weak of heart.

 4 tar & featherings out of 5

THE BOURNE LEGACY [2012]

Jeremy Renner confidently steps into the Bourne franchise, in Tony Gilroy's The Bourne Legacy (oddly enough it's not based on the novel of the same name).

It certainly isn't as tightly wound as the first three films but it's got enough style, ridiculous, yet credible action scenes and chilled slick performances to make up for it.  

If anything, Renner proved that he is a worthy replacement to prevent the film from being called The Bourne Redundancy.  

3 Monroes in the mirror out of 5

PARANORMAN [2012]

From Chris Butler & Sam Fell (some of the guys who worked on Coraline & Corpse Bride) comes ParaNorman another beautiful looking stop motion animated film made to appeal to little monster in all of us.

With a sick, yet safe, sense of humour, killer dialogue, entertaining voice-work, zany music and extravagantly designed sets, ParaNorman is must-see for the big screen.  It intelligently goes against what we expect from such a film and is surprisingly touching.

Its' been awhile since death has been this much fun.

4 bathroom ghosts out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 2 [2012]

Director Simon West's sequel to the 2010 shitfest is surprisingly better than the original.

The Expendables 2 delivers the goods like a heavy dose of testosterone injected straight into the head and in the process killing most of your brain cells. The dialogue is predictably terrible, the plot is like a paint by numbers and the jokes are groan worthy, but it's so damned loud and violent you won't care.  

You'll hate yourself for loving this shit but if you're going to go with dumb then go with fun.

2½ hilariously high bodycounts out of 5

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA [1962]

Acclaimed filmmaker David Lean brings the life of World War I British Army officer T.E. Lawrence to the big screen in the classic epic Lawrence Of Arabia.

Peter O'Toole brings a brilliant portrayal to the title role, while the beautiful influential photography, courtesy of Freddie Young, plays just as important part in the film.  As historically inaccurate as the film might be, the flawless storytelling, performances, music and direction make up for it 100%.  

5 center of lies out of 5

THE DICTATOR [2012]

Larry Charles, of Seinfeld fame, directs Sacha Baron Cohen in the ruthless political satire The Dictator.  As usual, the comedian goes out of his way to shock and offend, while dishing up a healthy taste of outrageous humour.  Movie buffs will be pleased to see numerous nods to Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator and The Marx Brothers' Duck Soup all the while being assaulted with heavy doses of vulgarity and off-colour remarks to appease the kids.  It's not a perfect film and threatens to completely fall apart several times but offers enough laughs and political wit to impress.

3 walls of celebrity fucks out of 5

BUNNYMAN [2011]

Trying ever so hard to be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a cottontail, Bunnyman fails on all counts.

Whether or not it purposely set out to fail, I'm not sure.  At some points it's so bad it's good but it's mostly just plain bad.  Promising to be a gorefest, it's disappointing to find it's nothing but lots of off screen violence with a straw full of red water spitting out behind the camera.  The characters are beyond retarded and apparently the writers are too.  It saves itself by supplying a few giggles at the surreal images of a giant bunny revving up a chainsaw.

½ snuffbunnys out of 5

WAITING...[2005]

Ever wondered what it's like to work in a restaurant?

2005's Waiting... takes you behind the scenes in all it's crude, perverted, angry, foul-mouthed and always hilarious glory. 

It doesn't try to do anything but make you laugh and give a better insight into the day of the people who cook and serve your fucking food, you cunts. It's not gold but it's obviously written by someone with experience and that's what makes it great.

3 teaspoons of floor spice out of 5

Initial D - Drift Racer (2005)

Aka: Tau man ji D

Takumi is a tofu delivery boy for his drunken father (played by the wonderful Anthony Wong Chau-Sang). His delivery route takes him down the twisty Mt. Akina, a road that some new in town downhill street racers want to own. They take a dislike to the tofu boy.
It's based on a manga, so is a little episodic in pace.
There's racing, obviously, but the main focus of the film is the growth of drifter Takumi.
Avoid the UK soundtrack, it loses some of the emotion.

3½ cups of water out of 5

Pitch Black (2000)

A low budget sci-fi/horror that managed to exceed its limitations by having strong characters and some interesting cinematography that was a lucky fix to unexpected weather during shooting.
Vin Diesel’s enigmatic but likeable anti-hero, supported by two strong female leads, kept me enthralled most of the time, even when it got a little silly.
A poor CGI menace could have been disastrous, but it worked because they're the secondary enemy and not the real focus.

3½ bottles of booze out of 5

Broken Arrow (1996)

One of John Woo's American films. It’s light on the traditional Woo motifs, meaning it has little to interest his fans. Instead, it appealed to a popcorn-munching audience who prefer to see a helicopter blow up than a protagonist torn between duty and honour.

2 bad actors and a rabble of butterflies out of 5

White Noise (2005)

Horror/thriller about the dead communicating with the living through what is known as electronic voice phenomena (EVP). WN uses a number of tricks that Hollywood has learned from the Japanese over the years. For a while it’s successfully implemented, but by the third act it’s dumped into a large bag of missed opportunity and dropped down the shitter.
Michael Keaton played Mr Serious well, but the role needed more than that. I like Ian McNeice so it was fun to see him. Everyone else had little or nothing to do and had a similar level of impact on the story.

2½ breaths of dead air out of 5

The 6th Day (2000)

Arnie gives what may be his worst performance since Hercules in New York (1969); he was dubbed in it and it would've improved matters had they followed the same tactics here. He's awful.
The script probably read like a Philip K Dick adaptation on paper, specifically Total Recall, and I suspect it was exactly that kind of kinetic, twisty sci-fi experience the producers wanted to replicate. Instead, they got two hours of bad acting and bad one-liners from the King of bad one-liners.

2 restore points out of 5

SHOTGUN STORIES [2007]

Writer/director Jeff Nichols' chilling debut Shotgun Stories instantly cements his name as a talented filmmaker.

Set in a rural area of the Southern States, a bitter feud between two sets of half-brothers escalates after their father dies.  The film starts out startlingly simple but slowly unravels into something so complicated it's hard to tell what will happen next.  Well acted, written and photographed, the bleakness of Shotgun Stories lingers well after the final frame fades to black.

4 meddling Shampoos out of 5

SMOKIN' ACES [2006]

Writer/director Joe Carnahan attempts to go for a hip, violent and witty crime film in Smokin' Aces but just narrowly misses the mark.

It's a bit of a mess, lacks any sort of interesting character developmentss and never fully realizes it's own potential but can be pretty damned entertaining at times.  It's got a huge cast which keeps you guessing who's going to bite the bullet next and makes for a pretty intense finale but it just simply tries to hard to be "cool and shocking". 

2½ white trash karate kid boners out of 5

TAKE SHELTER [2011]

Michael Shannon brilliantly portrays a family man experiencing the first few stages of paranoid schizophrenia in writer/director Jeff Nichols' subtle slow-burning drama Take Shelter.

The film is scary, sad and disturbingly hypnotizing with it's beautiful acting, editing, music and photography. Shannon's unsettling nuanced performance alone is worth taking a look at, while everything else that surrounds him gradually builds into a breathtaking finale.

4 hurricane shelters out of 5

Jackie Chan and The Kung Fu Kid (2010)

Jackie on the cover with the Sergio Leone eyes and the dramatic John Woo style silhouette makes it look promising. It even starts promising, with Jackie and a very attractive lady kicking ass. Then it turns into eighty minutes of badly directed family movie replete with messages about how important it is to study in school and how violence is bad. It’s woeful.

1 because Jackie out of 5

Evangelion: 2.22 You Can (Not) Advance (2009)

The second film (of four) in the Rebuild of Evangelion series covers ep 7-19! Quite a task. It has the obligatory combat scenes, Angels attacking the city, giant Eva, big-ass guns and explosions, etc, but more importantly it attempts to make up for the lack of characterisation in the first film and it succeeds. The deep and introspective character studies are handled almost as well as Anno did in the TV series but in a much shorter time.
There's a surprise or two thrown in to keep old fans on the alert.
And the ending… oh my!

4½ fish and wings out of 5

Evangelion: 1.11 You Are (Not) Alone (2007)

A cinematic retelling of the classic NGE TV Series. This first film (of four ) covers ep 1-6. It’s overseen by the same director, so is faithful to his original vision. It wastes no time getting to the action, but consequently drops some of the more interesting characterisation.
On the plus side, Shinji's neuroses are less irritating.
Newcomers may find it all a bit hard to assimilate on first viewing. In truth, even the series didn't make complete sense until the second sitting.
I'm usually averse to remakes but this one put me firmly in my place. It's a resounding success.

4 unfamiliar ceilings out of 5

Ip Man (2008)

A film based on the life of Ip Man, a master of the Chinese Wing Chun martial art. Choreography is by the great Sammo Hung; it's grounded in reality but crosses into the fantastical just a little.
It's light-hearted fare in the first act, but soon much of the colour drains away and things turn deadly serious and deeply political. There's a very occasional slip into melodrama, but it's always brief.
Donnie's martial arts ability is flawless as always. Normally his acting is just above average, so I'm happy to say he delivers the finest performance I've ever seen him do; it too was flawless.

4½ bags of rice duly earned out of 5

Dark Star (1974)

Unless you’re a hopelessly dedicated John Carpenter fan then you’ll likely want to stay far away from this one. It’s his low budget student film expanded to feature length. As a film it earns itself a PoS award. It’s terrible, really, but it’s also interesting for a number of reasons. Most notably the script was co-written with Dan O'Bannon and plays like a prototype of his later success: Ridley Scott’s Alien (1979). Also, the music has that cheap and creepy Carpenter vibe. I love Carpenter's music.

2 smart-ass bombs out of 5

Batman: Under The Red Hood (2010)

Someone calling himself The Red Hood attempts to take control of Gotham's criminal underworld, an act that doubles as a kind of challenge to Batman. The Dark Knight tries to prevent further casualties, but something about The Red Hood bothers him on a deeply personal level.

The character designs are mostly great, and there's some timely black humour, more often than not courtesy of Black Mask (Wade Williams).

It's rated PG 13, but the violence is more extreme than any of the previous films, with multiple murders, explosions, and even a bag of severed heads being thrown around. It's perhaps a case of making it more grim in the hopes that it'll appear more mature, but the result arguably lessens the dramatic power of the storytelling and at worst sullies the purity of the series.

3 flashbacks to a better time out of 5

36 (2004)

Aka: 36 Quai des Orfèvres

Two of France’s finest male actors go head to head in this gritty, violent police thriller. Forget Gérard Depardieu’s shitty English language films, this is what he’s really capable of. Daniel Auteuil delivers, as usual, an equally gripping performance. Both men are detectives but in different departments; one follows the law when it suits him, the other makes his own law. They each want to solve the same case but for different reasons.
It’s stylistically similar at times to a Michael Mann film, but unlike Mann's overblown efforts this one isn't boring.

4 semi-autobiographical dramas out of 5

THE BROTHERS BLOOM [2008]

Director Rian Johnson brings us the quirky and charming caper comedy The Brothers Bloom.

All four leads are fantastic, particularly Rachel Weisz who steals your heart with her social awkwardness  & childlike innocence.  It's a brightly colored & beautifully shot film that had me in awe from start to finish.  

It's not perfect but it's harmless good fun that had me grinning the entire time.

3½ "Brick" bars out of 5

BLOOD CREEK [2009]

I have to give it to director Joel Schumacher for constantly exploring different genres and styles.

In Blood Creek, Schumacher goes all out with the gore and an unusual amount of animal cruelty.  

While the film isn't necessarily very good, it certainly is unpredictable.

I went in expecting pure shit and came out mildly amused and entertained.  

2½ stomach fluid surprises out of 5

THE SHRINE [2010]

Sigh.

I've run out of shitty things to say about shitty horror movies that I haven't said before.

The acting is atrocious, the pacing is sloppy, the dialogue is awkward and the film is over so quickly there's no time to set-up any scares.  

Pathetic.

½ terrible Polish accents out of 5

THE ROOMMATE [2011]

Leighton Meester does a wonderful job as a creepy psychotic in the Single White Female-esque The Roommate.

Aside from Meester's performance the rest of the film pretty much lacks anything worth mentioning. 

The end.

1 kitten in the dryer out of 5

CARNAGE [2011]

Director Roman Polanski sacrifices his trademark visual style and atmosphere to focus solely on the characters in the dark comedy Carnage.

Based on a play written by Yasmina Reza, the film takes place entirely within the confines of a New York apartment and features only 4 characters all beautifully portrayed by Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz.  It's an absolute joy to see all 4 actors play off each other as they rip each other a new asshole and constantly change sides with one another.

It's a little slow to start but once it starts rolling it doesn't stop.

3½ vomit cobblers out of 5

Babel (2006)

A multi-narrative film about relationships, personal tragedy and consequences. You’ll likely be initially confused as to how and why the separate threads of Morocco, America, Mexico and Japan are connected, but it will reveal over time. Each individual story gets the right amount of attention, never outweighing the others.
It’s 143 minutes of other people’s misery, but it’s powerful and it’s beautiful with some affecting music. Essentially, it’s storytelling in its purest form.

3½ mysterious notes out of 5

BRICK [2005]

Writer/director Rian Johnson's work in Breaking Bad & Terriers featuring noirish characters and dialogue would just be echoes of his debut film Brick.

Like a love letter to Dashiell Hammett's old school detective stories, Brick takes those elements and places them within the walls of the modern suburban teenager's lifestyle.  It's an odd idea and shouldn't work, but go in with a bit of a curious sense of humor and you'll find you have a wonderfully crafted crime drama that's well-acted, nicely shot and sprinkled with razor-sharp dialogue. 

4 shoes with personality out of 5

For an alternate expanded review see The Cuckoo Clock

AMERICAN BEAUTY [1999]

Director Sam Mendes and screenwriter Alan Ball explore themes of dysfunction, redemption, social stature and materialism in American Beauty that they would go on to further explore in Revolutionary Road & Six Feet Under.

It's sad, hilarious, disgusting, scary, lonely, cynical and most of all beautiful.  Everything down to the long shots of nothing, memorable visuals both light & dark, the ever changing moods of music, well-rounded cast and thought provoking dialogue make this film what it is.

5 closer looks of 5

American Splendor (2003)

A bizarre blend of real life, documentary, fiction and dramatic re-enactment of the life of an average loser, the everyman Harvey Pekar. Harvey’s misery becomes instrumental to his success in life. He gets trapped in that cyclic depression, becoming both an inspirational idiot and a living parody.
It’s an indie comedy with a message about something or other. Paul Giamatti is wonderful; his facial expressions convey inner thoughts without the need for dialogue. It’s not depressing, nor particularly uplifting, it just drifts along at a nice pace, but it is well-made and has heart.

3½ Plebian lifestyles out of 5

AMERICAN PIE [1999]

It's rude, tasteless, shallow, offers nothing of intelligent substance or meaning...but it's funny as hell.
American Pie marked the return of gross-out comedy to the cinema, only this time around it came with a heart and nary a mean spirit in sight.  It's a constant reminder of the idiocy, awkwardness and all around embarrassing moments of being a North American teenager.  A fine adversary to the classic Porky's series.

3 pie-fuckers out of 5

AMERICAN PSYCHO [2000]

English actor Christian Bale stars in the Canadian filmed satirical cult classic American Psycho.

When it's poking fun at the yuppie lifestyles of narcissism and materialism it's a wonderfully diabolical film with a set of ruthless gnashing teeth & claws. However all that wears out after the first half as it begins to repeat itself and offers nothing of worth beyond Bale's brave and comedic performance.

2½ :smug:'s out of 5

TOTAL RECALL [2012]

Len Wiseman's adpatation of Philip K. Dick's We Can Remember It for You Wholesale is a bit difficult to go into without a hostile attitude.

First off, it's yet another CGI driven 3D spectacle, Paul Verhoeven's 1990 campy adaptation is a classic and well...it's a Len Wiseman film.

Once you get past that, it's pretty damned fun.  Colin Farrell and Bryan Cranston are always good times, while the normally boring Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel are a blast to watch here.  Granted the characters and dialogue are pretty paper thin (as they are in Dick's story),  it's the thrilling action sequences, set pieces  and it being more faithful to it's source material that make up for it.  

3 boobs out of 5

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES [2012]

The final installment of director Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises is a fitting grand finale to arguably one of the best superhero film series ever made.

It mucks around a bit at the beginning but comes all together pretty quickly and wastes no time charging forward into the darkness.  As gloomy as the film may be, it explores themes of hope for humanity, the will to  keep fighting and some questionable political views.  While it might not have the same impact, well choreographed fight scenes or the smarts of the previous film, The Dark Knight Rises is a huge messy spectacle that is sure to please the fans of the series and leave them wanting more.

3 Moroccoan chants out of 5

TED [2012]

From the brain of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane comes Ted, a charming yet outrageously offensive comedy about a man and his teddy bear.

Once the humorous novelty of a talking teddy bear with an attitude wears off, like Brian Griffin, you forget he's not just another human character.  It's got it's fair share of jokes that backfire but for the most part it's funny enough and never buries itself too deep into a schmaltzy ending like most films like this would do.

3 white trash girl names out of 5

GOD BLESS OZZY OSBOURNE [2011]

God Bless Ozzy Osbourne exposes the life and struggles of the singer like we've never seen it before.

It's a labor of love from son/producer Jack Osbourne to give it more of a deeper insight that at times is awkward and unsettling.  

It goes into the dove/bat incident, Randy Rhoads, being fired from Black Sabbath and the attempted murder of Sharon.  Perhaps what is most shocking, it shows us that the MTV reality show The Osbournes portrayed the family as comedic, while without the silly music and editing, they were really a family on the brink of destruction due to depression, alcohol and drug abuse,   

It's got it's fair share of both laughs and tears and in the end, hope and inspiration.

4 vocal warm-ups out of 5

2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984)

Sequel to the seminal 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) that occasionally mimics Kubrick’s style but mostly plays it safe. Like 2001, bugger all happens most of the time; the difference being that when something does happen the danger level is almost non-existent. It seems to exist simply to offer answers to the difficult questions left by its predecessor, robbing it of its enigmatic nature.
Roy Scheider keeps it interesting; without him the two hour running time would feel closer to four.
It’s very close to the novel, with only minor changes, most of which I imagine were for budgetary reasons.

3 fake Russian accents out of 5

Paprika (2006)

By using an experimental device, psychologists are able to enter the minds of sleeping patients, to better understand their problems. The titular Paprika is one such traveller. Users of the device have a moral obligation to respect the motivations of the dreamer, but what happens when the traveller chooses to force his or her own will upon the sleeping soul? Reality bends at every turn, exploring themes that Dir. Satoshi Kon has proved his mastery of in previous works. Fans of those previous films will happy-clap at references in this one.

Kon's regular composer Susumu Hirasawa again adds his talents to the madness. It's a match made in creative heaven; the parade music is a highlight.

4 moths to a flame out of 5

My Own Private Idaho (1991)

An exploration of friendship and self-discovery that’s occasionally surreal, funny, purposefully Shakespearean and thoughtfully poetic. It’s centred around two male street hustlers who are both drifting through life but for very different reasons. One is desperate to attain something that the other takes for granted. It gave River Phoenix the best role of his short life, one which he embraces and excels in, and arguably the best performance that Keanu Reeves has delivered outside of The Matrix (1999).

4 unregulated sleep-wake cycles out of 5

Stand By Me (1986)

Four boys, half of them aware they're at a turning point in their lives, take a journey along the train tracks to find a missing boy of their own age. Along the way they laugh, cry, bond and mature in a coming of age drama penned by American author Stephen King.
It had been over a decade since I last watched SBM. The memories came flooding back from the outset. Dir. Rob Reiner understands the purity of youth; his pace can take the viewer back in time to their own childhood, on a wave of warm nostalgia that's able to stir feelings both happy and sad. It's a timeless piece of cinema that'll never cease being relevant to almost everyone.

4½ pennies and a pilgrimage out of 5

Che: Part Two (2008)

Che moves from Cuba to Bolivia to do the same shit all over again. Trees and mountains. Yay? Part Two is even more uneventful than Part One. The quasi-documentary style is the same as before but it lacks the narrated interviews this time, which was the most appealing aspect in the first film.
I'm pleased that both parts were presented in Che’s own language, not Anglicised like Hollywood are wont to do, but I thank the beard of Jebus that there's no Part Three.

1½ pigs and a mule out of 5

SLIPSTREAM [2007]

Sir Anthony Hopkins writes, directs and stars in this surreal piece of cinema suitably titled Slipstream.
Feeling like a David Lynch narrative edited by the drug-inspired side of Oliver Stone, Hopkins never allows the film to plant it's feet in reality long enough for viewer to grasp onto anything meaningful. It's an interesting experience, from an artistic point of view but the effect wears off pretty quickly and becomes borderline irritating.

2½ doll heads out of 5

Appaloosa (2008)

I love a good western. Appaloosa delivers. It’s not particularly innovative in the story department, two men are hired to protect a town from a violent antagonist, but the main characters are so wonderfully rich that you won’t mind. The friendship between Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris is a beautiful thing. The bond between them is constantly reinforced as they share screen space much of the time. The cinematography is subtle but flawless. It’s piss-inducing funny at times, too.
Ed Harris adapted the story, directed, starred and even did a song for the end credits. It's his baby.

4 what's the word I'm looking for? out of 5

MOTHER'S DAY [2010]

Director Darren Lynn Bousman (of the Saw franchise & Repo! The Genetic Opera) tones down the outrageous schlock and hits a little closer to home in the brutally violent home invasion thriller Mother's Day.  Rebecca De Mornay can play batshit crazy like the best of them, however the rest of the cast pales in comparison.  As home invasion films go, this might be one of the better ones as it keeps you guessing what's going to happen next.  As good films go, this doesn't quite qualify, due to weak character development.

2½ boiling water hurts more on the inside out of 5