FOUND. [2012]

Director Scott Schirmer goes to some dark places in the twisted and disturbing low-budget horror film Found.
It begins as a sort of dark coming-of-age story about a bullied young boy, who lives a seemingly normal American life but is quick to morph into a deeply unsettling horror film when he discovers his older brother has been murdering people and keeping their heads in his closet.
It dives into some very graphic scenes of violence but it finds it's most troubling moments in scenes where we get into the boy's head through a haunted voice-over.  There's plenty of unpleasant subject matter but most of it seems necessary to get the message across, with the exception of a small handful of overly brutal scenes that are so forced they only serve to shock.  As disturbing as it all is, it's a change in this sort of film to actually be making a statement that deserves to be further discussed.

3½ oil stains in the driveway out of 5

REAR WINDOW [1954]

Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly find themselves in a bit of a nosy pickle in director Alfred Hitchcock's classic voyeuristic thriller Rear Window.
Stewart plays a man confined to a wheelchair in his New York apartment, where he gleefully spies over the neighborhood through his window, leading him to believe he's seen a man murder his wife.
Hitchcock allows the camera to only move throughout the apartment, thereby limiting the audience to what only Stewart's immobilized character can hear and see.  Shot and told with complex simplicity, lovingly detailed ambience, light-hearted thrills and plenty of snappy dialogues, Rear Window is the type of film that needs the sharp precision of The Fat Man in order for it not to fall apart.  Perhaps it's just an entertaining way for Hitchcock to tell us to just get out and talk to folks or he'll break both your legs.

4½ types of relationships out of 5

ONE HOUR PHOTO [2002]

Writer/director Mark Romanek's quiet psychological thriller One Hour Photo allows funnyman Robin Williams to really channel his inner creepiness.
Williams portrays a painfully lonely man, who works in a department store photo lab, where he becomes disturbingly obsessed with a family who regularly gets their pictures developed with him.
Romanek creates a colorless world violently lit by fluorescent lights allowing Williams' character to disappear within the walls with a wardrobe that camouflages itself against the backdrop.  While the premise is a little unique, the plotline itself isn't particularly uncommon therefore making Williams the main focus of the film and, boy, does he shine.  His subtly threatening performance elevates the generic thriller into something far more than better than it would have been without him.  

3½ snap-shots out of 5

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

Galactic bully John Saxon arrives at planet Akir and lays down his terms. The planet's defenceless farmers are boned if they don't take action; i.e. hire mercenaries to defend them. So John-Boy Walton hops in a ship that looks like the ass-end of the Enterprise made out of slug and uterus and flies boldly into a Seven Samurai (1954) situation in space. The addition of Robert Vaughn as one of the hired-guns directly references The Magnificent Seven (1960), too.
It's a charming B-Movie that's as bizarre as it is fun. Add George Peppard with the best utility belt ever, Sybil Danning as a Valkyrie warrior, and a ship's computer that acts like a sarcastic but protective aunt and you have a film that might not qualify as 'one for the ages,' but is memorable in its own way.

3 hotblood forms out of 5

THE IMPOSTER [2012]

Bart Layton's psychologically twisted The Imposter is the type of documentary that will force your jaw to drop with each new shocking reveal.
It tells of the infamous French serial imposter, Frédéric Bourdin, a grown man with dark hair and eyes, who successfully assumed the identity of a missing 16-year old Texan child, with blond hair and blue eyes, that had gone missing nearly four years before.
It's a stranger than fiction story that fully engrosses you with each twist and turn.  It could easily be a mockumentary meant to thrill and chill with an intimate creepiness that's hard to brush off.  Told with interviews from the real people involved, including Bourdin himself and a series of dramatically moody re-enactments, The Imposter is gripping, unsettling, heart-wrenching and leaves a long lasting impression.

4 intense plane rides home out of 5

THE WINDMILL MASSACRE [2016]

Director Nick Jongerius' international slasher flick The Windmill Massacre promises something uniquely inspired with it's set of characters different from the genre's norm.
Following a small group of tourists from all over the world, all of whom seem to be haunted by their pasts, the tale takes us into the back roads of Holland where they seek refuge in a old windmill that harbors secrets with a taste for intestines and sinful souls.
The first act is a nice little character's intro that spends just the right amount of time setting each of them up, which is a rarity in these types of films.  Sadly, it's quick to fall into cliché after cliché with minimal surprising twists which is such a disappointment considering what it might have been.

2 bloody clogs out of 5

THE ONES BELOW [2015]

Hanna & The Night Manager screenwriter David Farr makes his directorial debut with his 90's inspired thriller The Ones Below.
Two pregnant couples move into an English flat, one couple sickeningly happy in life and the other weird, weird and more weird...so naturally things get intense ala The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Pacific Heights, The Crush, The Temp...well, you get it.
It's a light piece of fluff that misses all it's marks to be anything remotely suspenseful, thrilling or unpredictable.  There's far too many far-fetched plot-points and character bits to make it the least bit believable.  However Harry Potter vet Clémence Poésy gives in a pretty wonderful performance that will make it a fine film to catch in the middle of the afternoon on The Woman's Network.

2 darned cats out of 5

CHERRY FALLS [2000]

Director Geoffrey Wright hops on board the teen slasher flick craze of it's time with the morbidly weird Cherry Falls.
It starts out a lot like Scream (scene set-ups, music and all), with a sleepy town high school going into a frenzy when a young couple is slaughtered but then things get strange when it's discovered the killer is only going after virgins.
The witty script gets lost under a film that appears Wright thought was a darker story than everybody else involved seemed to think.  The majority of the cast are pretty useless with the exception of Brittany Murphy and Jay Mohr who give it their all even when the film has no idea what it's trying to be.  It's sprinkled with all sorts of great potential throughout but unfortunately it never fully realizes it and seems like the studio heads wanted more of a paint-by-numbers slasher flick.

2½ teen orgies out of 5

MOVIE 43 [2013]

Producer Charlie Wessler gathers together a band of embarrassed directors, including Peter Farrelly, James Gunn, Griffin Dunne, Brett Ratner and many more for his sketch comedy anthology Movie 43.  Depending on what country you're in will depend on what plot you'll get threading all the sketches together...for once, the U.S. cut is the best one.
It's basically a gaggle of juvenile humored sketches that constantly try to outdo each other in jokes about bodily fluids, sex, periods, incest and various forms of racism and sexism.  It's amazingly disgusting, vile and void of any sort of class.  With that being said, it's quite often just as funny as it is ridiculously stupid.  It's notoriously known as one of the worst films of all time but I wouldn't go that far.  I figure more was expected of it considering the huge cast of well-known actors involved, many of whom tried to unsuccessfully back out.

2 shitty car accidents out of 5

NERVE [2016]

Directors Ariel Schulman & Henry Joost's second film of 2016 is the techno teen-thriller Nerve, based upon Jeanne Ryan's novel of the same name.
Emma Roberts plays a shy high-schooler who decides to outdo her more outgoing friend and joins an online game social media game of truth or dare that gets progressively more dangerous the better she gets at it.
With it's warning of social media pressure and fear of technology, it pretty much plays out like a rich teeny-bopper version of a Black Mirror episode only with a happy Hollywood ending with no lasting consequences.  These kids are spoiled and pretty flat, so the stakes feel low and you never really feel the potential danger it could have dived into.  Fortunately the pacing is brisk enough to never really give you time to figure out all the pointless plot-points it introduces for whatever reason.  An admirable effort but in the end it isn't the sharp-witted film it could have been.  

2½ lighthouses out of 5

CROPSEY [2009]

Cropsey is a feckin' creepy-ass documentary from directors Joshua Zeman & Barbara Brancaccio.
It tells of a boogeyman urban legend turned real life serial child-killer found within an abandoned mental institute on Staten Island.
Revealed mostly through lo-fi camera-work, old news footage and talking heads, the film gets increasingly more frightening and upsetting with each new discovery the film-makers stumble upon.  It goes into all sorts of mass hysteria conjured up by the community making it one of the most difficult and controversial cases to go to court, reminding me of The West Memphis Three.  A thoroughly fascinating watch but nothing I really ever want to think of or see again.

3 strands of drool out of 5

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE [2015]

Director Andy Palmer churns out yet another horror/comedy with The Funhouse Massacre.
Six homicidal mental patients escape from the local asylum on Halloween night and hide within a horror funhouse that's inspired by all their bloody handiwork.
Unlike most horror-comedies, Funhouse gets all the humorous moments timed right, so that the horrific moments aren't watered down and vice versa.  Thankfully it is funny and packs in some great kill scenes making for a steadily-paced great time that never outstays it's welcome.  The plotting is a bit of a misdirected mess and the characters are all pretty flat but with a title like The Funhouse Massacre one isn't expecting anything of superb quality.

3 sexy Hilary Clintons out of 5

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN [2016]

The Magnificent Seven is given the very unnecessary remake treatment by director Antoine Fuqua.
We all know the story by now but if not refer to ¡Three Amigos!, then add four and you get the general idea.
What Fuqua has made is a pretty solid shoot 'em up Western that is a rarity in this day and age, so I'll take what I can get.  However what he hasn't made is something that will stand the test of time like it's source material and other classic films in it's genre.  It's clear that the cast is having a great ol' time and in doing so it makes for a pretty entertaining ride for the viewer as well.  There's plenty of cheese and cringe-worthy moments but it's so briskly paced none of it is ever overly offensive to anyone afraid of losing brain cells.

3 card tricks out of 5

Debug (2014)

It starts out similar to Cube (1997). Both films exist within a confined and limited space. Cube had even less to work with but achieved more.

The biggest problem with Debug is lack of atmosphere. The sets are lit like a shop floor; they aren't even subliminally threatening. The primary threat is equally devoid of menace. The attempts to channel Kubrick and pair it with the unease of Ringu (1998), the horror of Event Horizon (1997), the sophistication of Sunshine (2007) and the plotting of The Matrix (1999) are much too transparent, meaning the comparison does more harm than good to the production.
The EVA scene was more successful than much of the rest, which is odd because I'd consider that part to be the most difficult logistically.

1½ convenient HUDs out of 5

Seven Samurai (1954)

Set in 16th Century Japan, Kurosawa's much imitated feature is the story of seven rōnin who are hired to protect a village of poor farmers from a gang of merciless bandits. Outnumbered by approx 6:1 and paid only in rice the swordsmen, led by the altruistic Kambei (Takashi Shimura), must work together tirelessly despite their reasons for accepting the job being different.
It's a long film, over three hours, but the three distinct phases (the hiring of the seven, the preparation for battle, and the battle itself) each lead seamlessly into the next, preventing it from feeling too stretched out.
Toshirô Mifune, Kurosawa's regular collaborator, isn't the leader, but he plays a key role and even provides a few laughs that lighten the mood.

4½ bamboo spears out of 5

31 [2016]

Schlock-star Rob Zombie directs 31, a generic survival thriller that continues his love for obscure trashy violent 1970's horror films.
Here we follow a pack of low-life traveling carnival workers who are forced to play a game where they must survive for 12 hours while being stalked by a pack of psychotics dressed as clowns.
To quickly sum it up, it's pretty much The Running Man set in the carnival from Hell and is really nothing more than that.  What sets this apart from Zombie's last few films is it isn't as dark or serious and we're in for a twisted disturbing but oddly fun ride.  The dude still doesn't understand the art of film-making but given the cheap subject matter it's obvious that's not his intent.  So if you're not looking for substance or quality then this might be all right for you.

2 Nazi-midget bunnies out of 5

ORDINARY WORLD [2016]

Writer/director Lee Kirk directs Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong in his first leading role in the genre-confused Ordinary World.
Armstrong portrays a musician turned husband & father who's lost in life as he's about to turn 40, which leads him to make some midlife crisis inspired choices that don't bode well for him.
Armstrong's performance goes back and forth between horribly forced to some touching moments that feel genuinely organic.  However it's Kirk's writing and directing that let the whole film sink.  He's not sure if he's got a crazy out-of-control party movie, a coming-of-age story or a warm 'n fuzzy family film on his hands and only proves Judd Apatow actually knows what he's doing when he seamlessly mixes all those elements together.  It's a mess of a film that barely holds together with it's generally likable cast of characters and predictable but warm good-heartedness.

2½ dogs in the hallways out of 5

GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH [1990]

After several years of begging, director Joe Dante finally returned to the world of Gremlins with an even more chaotic sequel, The New Batch.
This time around we follow Billy & Kate into the Big Apple where they're reunited with the annoyingly cute Gizmo and chaos ensues as a new batch of gremlins are born into a Trump-like tower of the future.
After the black comedy and genuinely frightening violence of the first film was heavily criticized by many for being too dark for a "kid's movie", Dante & co. opted for a more cartoonish sense of humor and very minimal actual on-screen deaths.  Many will consider it a terrible turn to take and many will enjoy how much it doesn't take itself seriously at all.  It embraces the silliness of the whole concept with no apologies and that's why I feel it's a worthy tongue-in-cheek sequel to the original.

3½ Looney Tunes out of 5

Starcrash (1978)

It's not unfair to say that part of Luigi Cozzi's career involved ripping-off other people's works, but with Starcrash he didn't even try to hide it. The Star part is obvious enough (think Lucas), but the crash part is equally as apt because it does, frequently. Of course, that's what makes it interesting; that it resembles Barbarella (1968) at times also helps in the kitschy-cool department. And it even has elements of Columbia's Sinbad films (Talos with tits?).
What's perhaps the most heinous sin committed is that someone decided to dub all of Caroline Munro's dialogue (although, to be fair, it's reasonably well done) but none of David Hasselhoff's. That just ain't right, Cozzi.

2 sword-wielding robots out of 5

Gotti (1996)

Spanning almost two decades (1973-92), the story of real iife mobster John Gotti is a familiar but engaging one. Gotti is a valued decision maker within the NY mafia doing things that don't always please the new Don. His loyalty to those that deserve it is a formidable tool in his arsenal, but not everyone in the family deserves his loyalty; and when that's accounted for, the dangerous jokes around the meeting table take on new meaning.
It's no Goodfellas (1990), but then Goodfellas wasn't a TV movie, Gotti is. Nevertheless, Dir. Robert Harmon delivers a delicious slow burn within which Asante absolutely owns the screen. The transition into the second half is powerful stuff. Fans of Mafia flicks should definitely give it their attention.

4 two thousand dollar suits out of 5

IN A VALLEY OF VIOLENCE [2016]

Director Ti West, known mostly for horror movies, takes a dedicated shot at the Western genre with the gritty revenge tale of In a Valley of Violence.
A moody stranger, and his awesome dog, saunter into a penniless town and get into a scuffle with the wrong folks: the Marshal's dim-witted hot-headed son and his gang of equally brain-dead hooligans.
There's no re-invention of the wheel here but we are spoiled with solid storytelling, acting and an yet another excellent film score from Jeff Grace.  James Ransone, Karen Gillan, Burn Gorman and Jumpy the Dog all offer tongue-in-cheek performances that you know they're all having a great ol' time, while Ethan Hawke, Taissa Farmiga and Travolta all play it straight which suits the tale just fine.  West's faithful traditional Western won't fill seats in the cinema but it will certainly please fans of genre looking for a good time.

4 wooden legs out of 5

CATWOMAN [2004]

Some French guy who only goes by Pilof shamefully directs Catwoman, the notoriously stupid box-office bomb that most have tried to forget.
Patience Phillips is a mousy pushover who gains fancy superpowers and a sassy new attitude after she is killed and brought back to life from the smelly fish-breath of an invincible pussycat.
This movie isn't funny, clever, exciting or even remotely entertaining.
I buried it in my cat's litter box and the next morning, after Captain Whiskers urinated on it, a piece of moist cat-shit had appeared in it's place.
I prefer watching the moist cat-shit.

½ a furball out of 5

TOOLBOX MURDERS [2004]

Director Tobe Hooper has a great ol' time with Toolbox Murders, a slasher remake of the 1978 cult classic thriller of the same name.  

A young couple moves into a run down old apartment building filled with all sorts of colorful characters...and one of them likes slaughtering folks with objects found in his hardware store goody-bag.
There's a number of gruesome kills but thankfully that's not Hooper's only concern and the viewer is treated to a wonderfully creepy atmosphere filling the walls of the old building.  Angela Bettis gives it her all and it elevates the so-so story into something better than it would be without her.  All in all, the film goes to some creepy horrific places but everyone involved is in it for a great time and it shows in the roller coaster end product.  

3 teeth in the wall out of 5

Muriel's Wedding (1994)

Low on self-esteem and high on dreams, Muriel Heslop is the heavily-flawed bumpkin you can't help rooting for in this quirky Australian tale. The film is superb in humanizing the white trash stereotype, but certain supporting roles are a tad overboard. The humor comes oozing from the rest of the cast's performances. Bill Hunter is especially vibrant. Toni Collette gained 40lbs to play Muriel and her dedication to the character is key. Even in her most profoundly pathetic moments we see a damaged young woman on the brink of maturity. Never allowing a lull in the story, writer/director P.J. Hogan packs the film with dramatic highs and lows. Owing to Muriel's expertly rendered character arc, we are left with a supremely satisfying and uplifting film. 

4 Porpoise Spits out of 5

Satanic (2016)

In his first feature, extensive episodic television director Jeffrey G. Hunt presents a script from Anthony Jaswinski (The Shallows) where four friends go on a tour of satanic haunts around Los Angeles and end up meeting the wrong free spirit. Failing to bring any creepy vibes to the table, the film is just one bad decision after another. In probably the only draw this movie has, Modern Family's wholesome Sarah Hyland gives us a shrieking yet tepid performance. I've always believed the most substantial problem that can arise in a film (especially a horror film) is boredom, and this one has it in droves. 

1 Ouija BJ out of 5

Gunsmoke (1953)

Gun for hire Reb Kittredge (Audie Murphy) receives a mostly cold reception when he arrives in town; it's a reaction that turns out to be somewhat warranted when we find out why he's actually there. But Reb is used to such responses. His no nonsense approach to life extends in all directions. Never faltering, he remains calm even in heated situations. The script gives him ample opportunity to prove it, both with bullets and with loaded dialogues.
A lot of 1950s westerns were formulaic, repeating what worked before because it was easy and accepted. Gunsmoke shares a lot of the same ingredients as that type, but it keeps pace with the pack leaders.
The short running time means everything has to move at a hurried pace, including the characterisation, but it's well-played, with even the most overly-used stock types feeling purposeful during their brief appearances.

4 non-welchings out of 5

THE GREASY STRANGLER [2016]

"How is this happening?" I found myself constantly wondering throughout writer/director Jim Hosking's vile demented comedy The Greasy Strangler.
A loathsome father & son go head to head for the love of a new woman in their life, while one of them develops a peculiar taste for smothering their naked body in layers of fatty grease and murdering people with his bare hands.
It's probably best described as Robert Crumb's Napoleon Dynamite in an Eraserhead-esque world.  Imagine that weird guy on the bus who reeks of sour milk and maple syrup that disturbingly stares at girls with a twisted grin on his face and you get an idea of how this film plays out.  It's about a half-hour too long which is a shame, because with a bit of tightening up and less repetition it might have made the perfect short film.
Not everybody is going to like this film, and with good reason, it's really fucking weird and unconditionally revolting.

3½ Salty Fun Blobs out of 5

EXTRAORDINARY TALES [2013]

Director Raul Garcia, known mostly for his animation work on Disney's The Lion King & Aladdin, brings us Extraordinary Tales, a gorgeously animated anthology of five Edgar Allan Poe stories.
Stitched together by a ho-hum original framing story of Poe, in the form of a crow (shouldn't it be a raven?), in a deep conversation with Death about his destiny or whatever it maybe.  Apart from some interesting looking visuals, which wears out pretty fast, the framing story is pretty lifeless and very unnecessary.  Thankfully the five animated shorts are all gorgeous to look at, wonderfully narrated by horror heavy-weights like Christopher Lee and Guillermo del Toro and beautifully brought to creepy life by Sergio de la Puente's magnificent score.  The adaptations aren't always faithful, and occasionally threaten to derail but the stylish visuals and very evident enthusiasm make up for it's mildly frustrating shortcomings.

3½ filmy vulture eyes out of 5

KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS [2016]

Laika Studios makes a remarkable return with their forth jaw-dropping stop-motion animated film, Kubo and the Two Strings.
Kubo, with the aid of a snow-monkey & a giant beetle-man, searches through Japan for a magical suit of armor to defeat some nasty spirit folk from his past.
With it's themes of loss, grief and loneliness, Kubo isn't always the fast-paced adventure the kiddies will be used to so it's obviously not meant for the real young ones.  However for the older crowd you get a rich, timeless story filled with awe-inspiring visuals and one the best scores of the year from composer Dario Marianelli.  Perhaps it's weakest link is the core voice cast that don't seem to conjure up a whole lot of chemistry together and hurt some of the more dramatic moments.  However, it's a wholly original film, which is a rarity in this day and age, so it's no wonder not many people took the risk and actually saw this masterful work of imagination.

4 paper lanterns out of 5

War of the Arrows (2011)

A dramatic South Korean action film set during the 17th Century, telling the story of brother and sister Nam-yi and Ja-in (Park Hae-il and Moon Chae-won, respectively), both of whom are handy with a bow and arrow. When their peace is broken by an aggressive Prince the siblings are pushed to their absolute limits, doing everything they can to ensure the other's safety.
Action scenes are filmed in a manner that I really dislike and are often hard to follow, but battles are medium-sized affairs, there's none of that 'epic' nonsense that's good for little other than boring spectacle. It has characters with feelings that are wholly believable, played by actors who understand their role, and when you have that you have something worthy. Plus, there's considerably less CGI weaponry than I feared there would be!

3½ neck holes out of 5

KWAIDAN [1964]

aka Kaidan

Masaki Kobayashi, director of The Human Condition trilogy, adapts four ancient Japanese folktales for the ghost story anthology Kwaidan.
A segment for each season of the year, (Hoichi the Earless being my favorite) focuses on victims both innocent and deserving of their ghostly punishments.
After a ridiculously poor DVD release, Criterion gave it a proper blu-ray release in 2015 that did wonders for it's striking visuals that are rich in color, texture and framing.  The theatrical sets are beautifully designed with gorgeously painted backdrops that all give it a fable-like aesthetic that  accentuates that campfire-esque storytelling.  The minimal sound design is exquisite particularly with a proper sound system that allows the startling cricks 'n creaks bury itself deep within your head and purposely break the soothing tranquility of it all.  It's not a particularly frightening watch but it's eerie enough to haunt your thoughts with wonder and awe.  

5 unlucky biwa players out of 5

BLOOD FEAST 2: ALL U CAN EAT [2002]

To expect D-movie splatterfest director Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat to improve upon the original film is like walking into your favorite used bookstore and expecting them to be carrying those comfy adult diapers you like so much.
The movie knows it's terrible and doesn't try to hide it but when you see a piece of dog shit on the road it's not trying it's true identity either and that doesn't make it any easier to nibble on, should you be so bold.  In all honesty, I shamefully turned the film off 20 minutes in, puttered around a bit and went back to it later in the night to find I was a little more mentally prepared for it (5 beers do that).  There were a few "so bad it's good" moments but it still stunk something fierce and I see no reason to ever visit it again, unless I have unwanted guests unexpectedly dropping by.

1 barf bag out of 5

Two Evil Eyes (1990)

Using a duo of Poe stories, George A. Romero and Dario Argento direct this little anthology film. In "The Facts in the Case of Mr. Valdemar," Romero presents the stronger of the two as a deceitful couple's (Adrienne Barbeau & Ramy Zada) scheme backfires in the most unearthly way. Reminiscent of a great Tales From the Crypt episode, the modernized story works well as a cautionary warning against capitalism and greed while still doling out some chills. Argento tackles "The Black Cat" while smartly incorporating tidbits from some of Poe's other classics. Despite it being a more faithful adaptation, his portion is the weaker of the two. In an uninspired performance, Harvey Keitel plays the short-tempered lead, Usher. Arguably, this segment contains the most memorable climax, but a few of the scenes lead nowhere and some character choices are more than a little perplexing. 

3 boxes of teeth out of 5

Aenigma (1987)

Basically a melding of Carrie (1976) and Patrick (1978), Aenigma follows the cliche 80's horror 'prank gone wrong' device. Co-written by Lucio Fulci and collaborator Giorgio Mariuzzo (The Beyond, The House by the Cemetery), it's surprising to see such an uninspired plot. After being put into a coma by her classmates, Kathy possesses the beautiful Eva (Lara Lamberti), purely for debauchery and revenge. The story works on a B-movie level as the most interesting scenes are reserved for the bullies being punished in creative, creepy-crawly ways. Not one to fill in every detail and to create a light air of mystery, Fulci leaves certain aspects of the story unexplained. Derivative but not a complete throwaway, Aenigma is a lesser-known film worth another look.

2 snail hordes out of 5

ARQ [2016]

Orphan Black alumni Tony Elliot writes and directs ARQ, a low-budget sci-fi thriller that's left to rely more on it's storytelling than it's flash.
Set in the near future, a young couple wakes up in a time loop that's set seconds before the beginning of a violent home invasion begins.
Time loops are nothing new to the sci-fi genre but it's such a strong concept folks are quick to make comparisons to the very few other stories that have done it before.  With that in mind it makes it easier to sit back and enjoy the story as it thickens and becomes more suspenseful through all it's twists 'n turns.  It's not too brainy but it isn't dumb-downed either, it's simply wonderful Sunday afternoon comfort food for those who enjoyed The Outer Limits.

3 apples out of 5

Paternity (1981)

A weak and occasionally sweet comedy in which a forty-four-year-old Burt Reynolds wants to spurt Reynolds into Beverly D'Angelo. But he doesn't want any of that relationship nonsense, he just wants the baby. She's his emu.
It's as predicable as a broken traffic light, but it gave me one good chuckle.

2 biological functions out of 5

BLACK SWAN [2010]

Director Darren Aronofsky crafts one of his most unsettling cinematic works with the intimately terrifying psychological horror Black Swan.
Nina is a dancer fully committed to her art, so when she wins the coveted lead role in the newest New York Ballet company's production of Swan Lake, her sanity begins to unravel as her dedication strengthens.
Natalie Portman is at her absolute best here, holding the icy heart of the film with a fearsome blend of fragility and maddening obsession.  While it's up to Aronofsky to capture the claustrophobic world with a cold gray eye that ignores the background and leaves most of it's focus on Portman's self-obsessed reflections of herself.  Like a rich dialogue filled ballet all it's own, Black Swan quite often defies logic in a way that would only make sense in a theatrical production and that's where it finds it's most compelling moments.  

4 shattered mirrors out of 5

YOGA HOSERS [2016]

After the disastrous box office results from Tusk, I don't know how Honorary Canadian director Kevin Smith miraculously made the second part of his True North horror trilogy.
Yoga Hosers follows teenage Canadian clerk BFFs, the Colleens, as they fend to save their convenience store from a horde of tiny Nazi Mounties made out of scrumptious sausage and sauerkraut.
While Tusk was disturbingly funny and disgusting, Yoga Hosers might be just as demented but it's really really dumb.  There might be some great chuckle-worthy Canadian in-jokes but everything is predictable, inane and quite frankly embarrassing.  Johnny Depp's Christophe Waltz-esque French-Canadian P.I.  and his ever-moving moles are the highlight of the film and that's not saying a whole lot anymore.  It's pretty awful but somehow I can't but help admiring Smith and his endless ambition to do whatever the hell he wants.

2 Pucky Charms out of 5

SECUESTRADOS [2010]

aka Kidnapped

It's made very apparent by the opening shot, that Spanish director Miguel Ángel Vivas has no intention of giving you the warm 'n fuzzies with his realistically brutal home invasion horror Secuestrados.
The first night in their fancy new home, a family is terrorized by  trio of foreign speaking masked men who mean business through extreme violence.  

It's meticulously shot in 12 long takes, making for a rather intense viewing that feels like it never lets up and resulting in a very disturbing and exhausting watch.  It's a pretty horrific watch that is hard to brush off and I suppose that's what the horror genre should do to certain extent.  A masterfully crafted film that I'm in no hurry to see again.  

3½ plastic bags on the head out of 5

The Black Cat (1981)

We see a very different film from Lucio Fulci this time with this loosely based Poe adaptation. Known for his gore, the director instead creates a restrained vision. The violence is mainly isolated to bloody cat scratches. As opposed to his other works around this time (The Gates of Hell, The Beyond, The House by the Cemetery), the editing is quick to cut away from human destruction and its remains. The only menace is of the dark tormentor; its unusual prowess and resourcefulness to kill. Unfortunately, the creature fails to instill much fear. We are treated to tight gazes from the cast (Patrick Magee, Mimsy Farmer, David Warbeck), and the sauntering POV of the cat. Pino Donaggio's exceptional score works well, giving the titular feline a brooding yet whimsical nature while heightening tension in climactic scenes. Underrated, The Black Cat is only lesser in Fulci's trademark style.

3 Exorcist beds out of 5

The Wizard of Gore (1970)

Based on interviews, commentaries, etc. Herschell Gordon Lewis was an artless businessman and it shows in this film. The Wizard of Gore is simply a vehicle for the gore aspect and nothing more. He succeeds in providing shock and disgust as Montag the Magnificent mutilates his helpless volunteers on stage, all to the delight of his unsuspecting audience. Even today, some of the SFX are absolutely stomach-churning, while others couldn't possibly look more fake. All other scenes progressing the story are soulless and wooden. The film does harbor a hallucinatory atmosphere, not only in Montag's macabre performances but in the film's bizarre conclusion.

2 eye-gougings out of 5

Blackout (2008)

Tell me if you've heard this one: 'people trapped in an elevator; one is a danger to the rest. Thrills ensue.' Since this very basic and derivative plot is uninspired and holds little surprise, other elements such as tension and drama must be strong. For the most part, this is the case for Rigoberto Castañeda's Blackout. The characters (Aiden Gillen, Amber Tamblyn, Armie Hammer) aren't very fleshed out and we hardly care for them by the end, but during the ordeal they are captivating. The story succeeds in giving each a satisfying, time-sensitive objective, but it's unfortunate it couldn't also set up any kind of intriguing background for the three. 

2 salty humps out of 5

VIRAL [2016]

Paranormal Activity director-duo Ariel Schulman & Henry Joost getaway from the found footage genre for the so-so parasite outbreak horror Viral.
The plot mostly follows two high-school sisters who fight to survive during a viral outbreak that leads to a frightening quarantine.
The film was wise to build a strong believable bond between the siblings because that's really the only thing of interest in this film.  It constantly steers off course and begins focusing heavily on horror aspects of the genre we've seen too much of or isn't fleshed out enough to care about.  It could have been a twist on the tired tropes by being more about the relationship, much like the far superior Maggie but instead it loses it's brave ambition and falls into been there done that far too often.  It's loaded with so many potentially interesting elements it comes off as just frustrating to see them ignored.

2 brave rats out of 5

THE RING TWO [2005]

Hideo Nakata, director of Japan's 1998 Ringu adaptation, makes his American debut with the sequel to the 2002 adaptation.
Telling an original story of it's own, Rachel & Aidan have moved states to escape the memories of their run in with the creepsome Samara only to find she and her wiggins videotape have found a way to follow them.
Being a huge fan of the first film I wanted so very badly to love this one too but ended up hating it when it first came out and vowed to never watch it again until now.  My dislike for it has simmered down a bit but it still doesn't change the fact that it's a crap film.  It spends a good hour filled with nothing but nonsensical "spookiness" until an actual plotline begins mildly materializing and by then anything worthwhile is long gone.

2 bucks stop here out of 5

MASCOTS [2016]

Director Christopher Guest returns to his mockumentary comedies about broken down flakes who just won't quit in Mascots.
This time around eccentric sports mascots from all over the world have gathered together to compete for the obscure Golden Fluffy Award.
If you're familiar with Guest's previous films Best in Show or Waiting for Guffman than you know exactly what you're getting.  If you're completely in love with those films than chances are you'll enjoy this one but don't expect Guest to attempt to do anything different.  He plays it pretty safe here, which isn't a bad thing if you're in it just for the laughs because there's plenty to be had.  I was constantly giggling so I got just what I wanted with this one but many will want more considering it's been so long since his last film.

3 pink bunny Furries out of 5

Man-Thing (2005)

I've not been to Louisiana, but I don't think swamps can be that green!
Lighting aside, locations do their job well enough, they're fun visually and the small town setting has that instantly relatable quality that small towns have.
There's a cheap horror vibe from time to time that doesn't do it any favours. A better option might've been to take itself less seriously, opt instead to accentuate the cheapo charm, kind of like Tremors (1990) did.
It was surprising seeing mutilated corpses and hearing people say "fuck" in a Marvel film. The bad CGI, however, was not unexpected; it turns what could've been a memorable creature into just another tentacle joke.
Even though the story failed to hit the mark a lot of the time, it was still a refreshing change from the company's incessant mega-blockbusters.

2 branches out of 5

DON'T BREATHE [2016]

Fede Alvarez directs Don't Breathe, a home invasion thriller that flips the usual story on it's head and isn't afraid to get really really vicious with it.
Three young thieves wait until dark to break into a blind man's house thinking it's an easy score only to find he's a lot more than what they bargained for.
Despite it's simplicity and thinly written characters, Don't Breathe manages to constantly up the intensity and thrills with clever menace.  There's all sorts of minor themes and ideas thrown around in the background but they never detract from the fact that the film intends you to nervously be gasping for air by the time the credits start rolling.

3½ ladybugs out of 5

WAIT UNTIL DARK [1967]

Olde Tyme 007 director Terence Young enlists Audrey Hepburn in her last film before semi-retirement for the suspenseful thriller Wait Until Dark.
Hepburn portrays a blind woman who's life is invaded by three dangerous crooks searching her home for a doll filled with heroin.
The film is a bit dated and takes it time getting to where it needs to but once it gets going the guessing game it becomes is a gripping delight.  If you're willing to accept that the whole set-up is the definition of an 'Idiot Plot' then it can be pretty fun, especially when you revel in Alan Arkin's nasty piece of work villain that is two steps away from twiddling his mustache.  If not for it's inventively tense climax the film might not be so fairly remembered but it's a great little yarn nevertheless.

3½ ways to defrost a fridge out of 5

The House by the Cemetery (1981)

The House by the Cemetery is the final film in Lucio Fulci's unofficial Gates of Hell trilogy. Besides being filmed only a few years apart, the trio's kindred link is underground evils disrupting the living. In this case it's the mad Doctor Freudstein, an undead and homicidal surgeon bent on immortality. Cemetery is also the weakest of the three; containing a number of plot inconsistencies which render the film near incoherent. It's yet another vehicle for Fulci's penchant for gory mayhem. This seems to be the only component driving the cult status. Albeit the SFX are marginally better. At least the blood is more realistic. It does well maintain a level of suspenseful atmosphere up until the effective climax, but too many unresolved plot threads cast a fog over the entire film. 

2½ Bobs out of 5

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

Desperate to cash-in on the phenomenal success of The Blair Witch Project, the studio decided to leave the original creative team behind in favor of their own vision. In an effort to capture the same aesthetic from the first film, they wrongly chose prolific documentarian Joe Berlinger for director. Their desperation is blatant as they greenlit his idea for a narrative meta-sequel commenting on the dangers of blurring the line between fiction and reality. Inevitably, the studio would fuck with the film anyway to create a more traditional horror film. The eventual product is degenerated into a confusing mess which has almost no ties to the source material. The plot is more of a feeble dead-teenager slasher than any kind of societal meditation. The characters have no depth and are merely generic archetypes. This is arguably an even bigger disappointment than the original. 

1 delusion out of 5