Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)

The eighteenth film kept the Heisei era continuity going but with a radically different approach. The series has always had a level of science fiction within it, but GvK is straight-up sci-fi with a UFO and futuristic tech. Furthermore, while we've always known what Godzilla represents, the script attempts to explain what Godzilla actually is, making it a kind of origin story.
The end result is a clash of styles that's certainly unique. There's no denying that it has a lot of plot to offer a viewer, and a ton of explosive action, too, but I'm just not convinced that any of it was really a good idea.
The silver linings are that it saw the return of Akira Ifukube on score duties, and the model cities are top-notch.

2½ times a-changin' out of 5

The Kick (2011)

It's recognisably Pinkaew. A priceless item is stolen (a Kris), there's a rubbish car chase (mercifully brief), and the martial arts are astonishing.
But there are differences, too. There's more than one protagonist. It's a family of five, and they're South Korean practitioners of Taekwondo, not Muay Thai. The family unit adds something new to the formula. They squabble like a real family do, and even though they often fight solo there's an undercurrent of interdependence from time to time. Factor in a plot thread that carries a small but important message about following your heart and, even though it's a long way from perfect, it gets points for trying.
On the flip side, the villains are still blank, their primary function, outside of the aforementioned theft, being to give the hero(es) something to overcome.

3 cloth ears out of 5

PASSION PLAY [2010]

Screenwriter Mitch Glazer (screenwriter of Scrooged, Rock the Kasbah, A Very Murray Christmas...you sensing a pattern here?) makes his directorial debut by shitting the bed something fierce with the romantic fantasy Passion Play.
Mickey Rourke clumsily stumbles through the film as a loser straggler that finds himself tangled up in a dangerous relationship with a beautiful circus sideshow girl with wings.
It wants to be a deep, meaningful journey into a quirky world that is both dark and romanticized but instead it's a laughable pile of cornball slop that I heard best described as "Hallmark noir".  It's one of those films I kept asking "how and why is this movie happening?"
There's so awful you have to see it, then there's this clusterfuck which is just so awful even YouTube doesn't want a "worst bits clips" video.

 ½ desert ninja savior out of 5

Race Against Time (2000)

James Gabriel needs money if he's to pay his son's medical bills. If he doesn't find the cash promptly then the boy will die. It's the future, so there are ways, but there are also consequences – the big business type!
Without changing a single thing in the screenplay, if RAT had been made by someone like Cameron or Scott and starred whoever flavour of the month is at Hollywood Towers then it would've made millions at the summer box office; not because those guys are considered better directors than Geoff Murphy, but because it would've received more hype and more distribution. The script has everything in it that a typical, cleverer than usual, summer science fiction blockbuster has – even an amped-up action movie ending that sullies most of what came before it. As it exists, by TV standards, which is where it found a home, it's a better than average flick.

3 resource bracelets out of 5

THE CONJURING 2 [2016]

After a successful turn with The Fast & the Furious franchise, director James Wan returns to the frightening world of The Conjuring.
Suffering from a particularly distressing case at the infamous Amityville house, real-life paranormal investigators Lorraine & Ed Warren are reluctant to take on another case until they are summoned to help out a broken family in London, England.
While it might not be nearly as pants-shittingly scary as the first film, it holds up with some heartily told human stories supported by a strong cast.  Wan maintains his knack for inventive visual frights, supremely creepy atmosphere and a cleverly paced build-up that explodes with scary grace that never seems quite as long as it actually is.

3 crooked men out of 5

Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)

The seventeenth film is a direct sequel to the previous one, The Return of Godzilla (1984). It begins with a group scouring the wreckage of the city for a plot device, which is promptly put to use in more than one way.
It has the same dark tone but holds the attention in a different manner.
I can't go into detail here, but it's fascinating to me that Godzilla exists because we split the atom, whereas, in contrast, Biolante exists because two things are fused. There's more to the relationship than that. To Biolante, too; the creature is one of the most bizarre the series has ever birthed. It's also one of the most memorable. The final fight between the two giants is quite possibly the best action scene in any of the films so far! It's outstanding.
Oh, and tentacles without CGI? You betcha! That's how it should be done.

3½ alarms triggered out of 5

FRIDAY THE 13TH [2009]

Shitty remake director Marcus Nispel creates a mish-mash of the first four Friday the 13th films which results in what I suppose is an accurate definition of a shit-mix.

There's these kids, they go to Crystal Lake to do drugs, have sex and get killed by the deranged killer Jason Voorhees.
Nispel washes the over-saturated film with a grungy vibe that is nice to look at first but grows tired very quickly as you realize it doesn't hide the complete lack of creativity or ambition to give the audience anything tasty to chew on.  However for those actively seeking out shallow, unimaginative schlock-fests with some all right kills then this might actually do the trick.
Just be warned, even producer Michael Bay said he walked out of this film.

1 fine time for a fap out of 5

NOW YOU SEE ME 2 [2016]

Crap director Jon M. Chu takes over directing duties for the sequel to the 2013 surprise hit Now You See Me.  Fortunately screenwriter Ed Solomon (Men in Black, Bill & Ted's)  is still on board to guarantee dumb mindless fun.
This time around The Four Horsemen step back into the spotlight only to find themselves forced by a wannabe James Bond-esque villain to pull off a near impossible heist.
It doesn't do much to improve upon any of the glaring problems of the first film but nor does it really take a step down in quality either.  It more or less just sits exactly in the same position and hopes for the best.  Based on whether or not you enjoyed the first film will depend on how much you get out of the this retread joyride.

3 hats out of a bunny out of 5

Dead Heat (1988)

Part buddy cop film, part zombie horror flick, the best way to describe Dead Heat is a combination of Beverly Hills Cop and Re-Animator. Unfortunately the studio hacked it to pieces in order to tone down the blood, violence and gore. You know, the good stuff. What's left is a cheesy 80's cop film filled with just enough dumb fun to be watchable. There's really only one scene worth viewing. Treat Williams does a decent job despite having to partner with the abysmal Joe Piscopo, who has no screen presence whatsoever. With better casting and some studio support, this could have been classic rather than forgettable. 

2½ zombified deli meats out of 5

Long Dream (2000)

What if mankind could possess immortality? That is what one doctor ponders in the Japanese made-for-tv film Long Dream. Based off a short manga story by Junji Ito, the H.P. Lovecraft vibe is strong. As the author is a self-professed fan, it's not difficult to see his influence. Director Higuchinsky is painstakingly true to the source material's imagery, almost to his detriment. From the spot-on casting to the horrific character transformations. The budget is obviously low, but the makeup effects are high-quality. They are mirror images from the manga, but they're almost cartoon-like, lacking a sense of logic and reality. It's refreshing to see an adaptation follow the original story so closely. It only extrapolates in the third act, and I believe it aids in strengthening motivations while creating emotional fodder for the characters. Unfortunately Higuchinsky fails in fashioning a successfully cohesive conclusion. He seems to have the same issue with 2000's Uzumaki as well.

2½ bulging eyeballs out of 5

THE 'BURBS [1989]

Director Joe Dante does his darndest to create zany mayhem in the Tom Hanks led comedy The 'Burbs.  

A group of nosy neighbors believe the strange new folks in the neighborhood are murderers and go out of their way to come up with some bloody evidence.
The movie tries to be deranged but it isn't.  It also attempts to be witty but it simply isn't.  There's a few minor chuckles here and there but it mostly falls flat in predictability and too many out of place moments that never quite adds up to anything meaningful.

2 satanic pâtés out of 5

Captain America (1990)

It doesn't take long for lame Steve Rogers to be transformed into the all-American hero. By about fifteen minutes into the film he's kicking Nazi butt in some of the worst edited action scenes outside of a Michael Bay movie.
The Red Skull is the Captain's enemy through the ages. But he's rubbish in comparison to the one thing that the story manages to do reasonably okay: Steve's feeling that the world has moved on without him. It's achieved best in a scene that has the fly-boy running down the middle of a road.
Overall, he doesn't do very much actual heroics. It feels like a TV movie that had to compromise all too often. His plastic shield was embarrassing, but at least it and the suit design are faithful to the source.

1½ superhero sickies out of 5

The Trilogies Collection

Who doesn't love a threesome? When it comes to film there's something oddly satisfying about a trilogy. If the first one is lucky enough to be a success, then a sequel can build upon it or tie up any threads that were left hanging. A third film can serve as a timely farewell. Or sequels can be a waste of space on a shelf, add little or nothing to the original, and may in fact exist solely to milk cash from completists.

Because what's below the cut is alphabetical, to make life simpler for myself I'm not including the titles of the individual films. Instead, I'll put the title by which they're known collectively, followed by links that'll take you to the relevant post (opens in new window each time). It's a BIG list.

The Return of Godzilla (1984)

The sixteenth film (and first in the Heisei era) was a deliberate attempt to return the series to its origins. It successfully made Godzilla scary again. No longer something to be mocked, Godzilla is total fucking destruction.
The first proper reveal of the rejuvenated kaijū is impressive, with newly added facial animatronics enabling it to have nuances like never before.
An intimate human story exists alongside and outweighs a larger political one. Foreign powers get involved, forcing Japan to take a stand on two fronts.
The last act feels like it could've been tightened up in comparison to what came before. As it stands, it resembles a disaster movie, but I see no reason why it can't be perceived as such. Godzilla is a force of a particular nature, after all, a personification of a monstrous event.

4 calling birds out of 5

Dawn of the Dead: Director's Cut (1978)

Four uninfected survivors struggle not just to avoid being eaten but also to escape an encroaching fatalism in the face of overwhelming odds.
It's a small but diverse group, one half of which is military trained. The pairing of officers trained to kill and civilians is an interesting one; quite often even the ones who embody the most controlling aspect are written to serve the situations, whereas it would arguably have been more dramatically satisfying to have them presented in the opposite manner.
Night of the Living Dead (1968) is more indelible than Dawn of the Dead, but the sequel is just as capable of supporting subtextual theories. The focus got broader, pushing the undead threat into the light of day - or rather the unnatural light of a shopping mall. It's colourful, thought-provoking, gory and has more hit and miss humour than you might expect. B-Movie bumps and continuity errors aside, it's a worthy continuation of a genre-defining work.

4 insides on the wrong side out of 5

NOTE: Review is for Dir. Cut (139 mins) only. Theatrical (127 mins) and Argento (118 mins) cuts are paced differently and may score differently, too.

A Halloween Puppy (2012)

aka Magic Puppy / The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure

When you’re greeted with 3 minutes of the most on-the-nose Windows Movie Maker credits known to man—and sent off with 8 comprised of re-used clips—in an issuance that’s only 77 minutes to begin with, you know you’re in for a treat. If you’ve seen A Talking Cat!?!, you’ll know what to expect, as this is basically a prequel. Everything is here, from the house, to the excessive b-roll footage of water, to the day-for-night shots. Dollar Store Halloween decorations are used for the transitions, people! You know who’s great to bring along on your romantic getaway with your boyfriend? Your son! I especially like how Cindy Brady claims that virtually no one can help with this cockamamy Eric Roberts-as-a-dog situation, but then does just that seconds later.

If you want to hear him say goofy shit, I guess…no. Don’t Don’t.

0½ of a Tara Reid Soundalike out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

ToM, the fifteenth film, was also the final entry in the Shōwa era. Dwindling ticket sales forced Toho to put the once-great kaijū on a nine year hiatus.
Mechagodzilla wasn't the reason the previous film was bad, so it's only fair that the metallic menace was given another chance. Because it's a direct sequel to the previous year's GvM it once again has Interpol and spacemen. But, worst luck, the script has the opposite problem: it's too uneventful.
There's an attempt to add weight with one or more tragic characters. It almost works for the pretty one, but the other never makes it out of pitiable corner.
The other big threat, the non-metallic Titanosaurus, although not intrinsically evil in nature, isn't very interesting either.

2 chest cogs out of 5

Session 9 (2001)

Herein, a small team of hazardous waste removal specialists find themselves working a gig in the beautifully dilapidated ruins of Danvers State Mental Hospital. There’s an external luxurious calm that jigsaws perfectly with the internal unease and paranoia of the characters and setting, both before and after sunset. Said characters are not particularly well fleshed out, but you should be adept at filling in such gaps if you’re a fan of masterworks like Jacob’s Ladder and the Silent Hill franchise. Whereas that effort’s fingerprints can be seen on the entire series, this film very specifically influenced SH3 in several notable ways. The deleted scenes are definitely worth viewing, as well, if you want to explore an excised plot thread.

4 Consummately Cursing Carusos out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

GOKSEONG [2016]

aka The Wailing

If creeping you out, tensing your nerves and breaking your heart is what you're looking for then Na Hong-jin's moody supernatural thriller Gokseong is a nod in the right direction.

Set in a tiny South Korean village, a spineless policeman's life is turned upside down when his daughter is infected with a mysterious disease that is spreading throughout the small community.
It's a finely tuned meshing of all sorts of horror and thriller ingredients that gracefully mix with it's tale of human drama and dark, dark humor.  By simultaneously capturing the vast rural forest surroundings with the claustrophobic interiors of the housing, Hong-jin keeps the viewer in constant discomfort that makes it difficult to shake off once all is said and done.

4 life-changing rooster crows out of 5

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE [2016]

X-men: Apocalypse is the ninth film in the film franchise (and director Bryan Singer's fourth) and it seems like it's just starting to come full circle with the conclusion of the First Class story arc.
En Sabah Nur (aka Apocalypse), the world's oldest mutant, has risen after thousands of years of being buried underground, making him a bit testy, so he would love to wipe out mankind and rule the world as he sees fit.
As special effects summer blockbuster, the film is a wide-eyed spectacle that doesn't disappoint from a technical point of view.  However as a character piece, it hits a few marks with success and then misses many like an elephant using chopsticks.  There's some wonderful moments from most of the characters, especially the new kids (not Mystique...she's always been boring) but it constantly loses focus before a proper pay-off is given.
Not enough surprises and creativity shows the franchise is losing steam again so hopefully it gets a swift kick in the butt before it tackles the stories it's leading up to.

3 shots at last stands out of 5

Fear No Evil (1981)

The age-old conflict continues. Lucifer is reborn on Earth. When he comes of age he'll take his throne. Luckily for us, a trio of angels are also incarnate, tasked with preventing the demon from bringing an end to the world.
FNE begins with a scene that most similar films would place at the end. It's an early sign that Dir. Frank LaLoggia is attempting to do something different with the genre in his début feature. However, with such a limited budget to play around with there's only so much that can be achieved, and while the end result is certainly ambitious it's also very uneven.
While checking on Wiki for the cast list I wasn't surprised to find that FNE had no page, but Frank LaLoggia has none either. Surely he deserves one!?

2½ cross lights out of 5

Wheels of Fire (1985)

If you're suddenly thinking of Manowar then you have my utmost respect, but the movie predates the song by three years. Oh well, we can dream.
It's a post-apocalyptic wasteland scenario. With no law to stop them, many people get their kicks being dicks. But not Trace (Gary Watkins), he's a man of some honour who mostly looks out for his sister, Arlie (Lynda Wiesmeier).
If Mad Max rip-offs have taught me anything it's that to survive an apocalypse you must have leather pants and be able to drive on dusty roads.
The acting is as you'd expect for this kind of thing. But the car chases are excellent; if someone was to edit them into The Road Warrior (1981) and claim it's an extended cut then many people could be fooled.

3 escape attempts out of 5

SAUSAGE PARTY [2016]

Directors Greg Tiernan (Thomas & Friends) and Conrad Vernon (Madagascar) turn to the darkside for the highly offensive, yet atrociously funny animated Sausage Party, written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg & Jonah Hill.
It's the Fourth of July and all the food products at Shopwell's Grocery Store are excited to get whisked away to a better place...or so they think.  

Try to imagine Toy Story, then replace the toys with food and then humor yourself with the notion of Mr. Potato Head or especially Jessie The Yodeling Cowgirl getting ripped apart and devoured by their owners.  With that in mind, prepare to feel your ears curl up with the language that would make the South Park guys uncomfortable.  Be ready to laugh till your in pain because it's pretty fucking funny, with some cleverly placed themes neatly woven into all the un-PC crudeness.  In short, it's the perfect example of stupid brilliance.  

4 "Great" Beyonds out of 5

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE [1996]

Brian De Palma directs Little Boy Cruise in the first installment of the long-running Mission: Impossible franchise, based upon the television series.
Framed for the murder of several of his teammates and disloyalty to the IMF, agent Ethan Hunt hunt down the real traitor without the help of his agency.
The 90's had a field day with adapting television shows into films and very few made a successful transition.  Still going strong 20 years later, the M:I franchise is obviously one of the few exceptions.  Originally criticized for being too complicated, the film was a stepping stone for brainier summer blockbusters and allows it to stand the test of time.  De Palma's direction isn't his best but it doesn't mean he's phoned it in, in fact it's filled with all sorts of interesting camera-work, well executed moments of tension and a playful wit that still reflects back to his love for Hitchcock.

3 beads of sweat out of 5

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH [1964]

Director Del Tenney is most known for the mostly unknown unabashedly bad The Horror of Party Beach.
Radioactive dumping resurrects the corpses at the bottom of the ocean into strange fish people zombies that kill the folks of a beach-side community.
There's plenty of sloppily choreographed beach party dance sequences.  Overly long moments of shots so poorly lit you don't know what your'e looking at.  Numerous cutaway sequences focused on unknown 35-year old teenaged character's throwaway gags.  Dreadfully composed shots that don't seem to know what they're supposed to be focusing on.  And of course the endless kitschy surf-rock music that is just plain embarrassing.
 If this sort of bad is what you're looking for then look no further because it's pretty damned entertaining when in the right mood.

1½ drunk chicks out of 5

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

The fourteenth film introduced Mechagodzilla to the roster, a mechanical Godzilla with jet-propulsion in its feet and whose fingers are mini-rockets. On paper it sounds like a guaranteed winning formula. It should've been the same in reality, too, but the script loses sight of what's most important.
It's full-on story to begin with: an ancient prophecy and a modern day premonition predict the same event. As expected, the heavy plotting is followed by plenty of action. But then it stumbles into a listless midsection.
It eventually reasserts itself by pushing a secondary character to the fore, turning the whole thing into a James Bond film complete with secret base, elaborate death room and gadgets. It was probably bandwagon jumping, and may even have been undertaken with the best intentions, but it ruined what was otherwise an okay film with potential up to that point.

2½ rainbow beams out of 5

Raising Cain: Re-Cut (1992)

A fan-edit (by Peet Gelderblom) of De Palma's film that re-sequenced the existing version in an attempt to "approximate" the director's "original vision" as it was written in the shooting script, an order that was changed in post-production to one that was more or less chronological.
Previously, after the credits we were introduced to Carter Nix (Lithgow). In Re-Cut that's changed to a scene featuring his wife, Jenny (Lolita Davidovich). It's just the beginning of a striking reshuffle that alters how we view the film. The POV shift makes Carter a background figure, characterised more by his wife's feelings and words than by his own. The lengthy flashback as envisioned originally is made real, with the knock on effect of offering up new questions and being suggestive of new reasons for familiar actions.
Brian De Palma saw it and liked it so much that he gave his blessing for it to get an official release as an extra on some editions of the film. If you're open to the idea of a re-cut, it's well worth seeking out.

4 timely counterpoints out of 5

MEGAFORCE [1982]

Smokey and The Bandit director Hal Needham does a fine job at collecting Razzie nominations with his gonzo sci-fi box office flop Megaforce.
Barry Bostwick (acting like a cross between Barry Gibb & Zapp Brannigan) plays a full of himself commander of a secret army of international soldiers asked to protect a country threatened by a nasty group of terrorists.
It's got the  aesthetics of an old Japanese sci-fi action show that's combed over with a G.I. Joe-esque campiness and flamboyant characters that enjoy wearing tight shiny gold jumpsuits that showcase their unusually prominent dick bulges.  It's pure mind-numbing shit but the pleasant type of mind-numbing shit that requires minimal wiping.

1½ animated pig surprises out of 5

SUICIDE SQUAD [2016]

Director David Ayers digs the DCEU's grave just a little more deeper with the third film in the negatively received franchise, Suicide Squad.
After Superman's death in BvS, the government decides it's time to assemble a team of disposable warriors, in the form of a group of imprisoned super-villains, should they ever face such a powerful alien-like threat again.
It's an intriguing refreshing premise to root for the villains but after some heavy duty studio meddling we get yet another superhero film with Hot Topic anti-heroes who are less intimidating than the new Supes and Batsy.  It's not nearly as nihilistic as it seems to think it is and that's mostly due to the poorly written characters that all fall flat on their faces, even if some of the performances are particularly spot-on (not you Leto. You just sucked).  The irksome attack of instantly familiar pop/rock songs every other minute felt like it wanted to be a 90's Michael Bay version of The Dirty Dozen but it doesn't have the attitude or heart to ever feel it.

2 homicidal math lessons out of 5

The Terminator (1984)

Cameron's sci-fi actioner sits comfortably as the archetype for movies about murderous humanoid machines from the future that travel back in time to kill someone important, thus changing their own present in a favourable way.
Linda Hamilton is the target. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the instrument.
Playing to the big man's strengths (i.e. he hardly speaks), the role is largely responsible for his career taking off as much as it did. It's clear to see why. He's perfect. His natural ability to be indelibly domineering helped the character seem totally inhuman. His physicality was translated successfully into a show of almost unstoppable force - his unwavering attitude arguably even more memorable than his iconic coat and glasses.
It's not a flawless movie, but by 1984 standards it was a damn good one and is still mostly deserving of the accolades it continues to receive.

4 unwritten past tenses out of 5

The Replacements (2000)

If you’re going to assemble a team, be it heroes, misfits, villains, or otherwise, there needs to be a legitimate connection established between them, and they all need to have appropriately balanced amounts of screen-time. This film does that better than anything I’ve seen in the West. Every character has a purpose and moments to shine. Keanu rightfully uses his position as the star to literally throw the spotlight onto his teammates. He even took a major pay cut to get Gene Hackman on board, for the good of the movie—for the good of the team. Unlike a recent effort, the camaraderie is real and so is its emotional raison d’être.

4½ Easily Outwitted Bookies out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Young Bruce Lee (2010)

aka Bruce Lee, My Brother

The pre-war era is presented in the faded colours that many Chinese period dramas seem to favour. As it moves forward in time the colour is allowed to progressively creep back in but retains a weird polished wood kind of lighting. None of that matters, though, because there's so much lens flare that it's impossible to stay focused on the people; it's as if a sentient and pernicious shaft of light is periodically taking a shit on your eyes. Some directors think it's a good idea to make use of that kind of crap in modern sci-fi, but it makes no sense whatsoever in a biographical period film.
Furthermore, when the best part of a film during the first ninety minutes is a training montage, then a single emotionally heroic act in the last twenty isn't enough to balance the books. YBL is fanciful in all the wrong ways.

2 roof views out of 5

THE LADY IN THE VAN [2015]

The Madness of King George director Nicholas Hytner brings screenwriter Alan Bennett's 1999 stageplay The Lady in the Van to the screen.
It's a quaint little British story about a homeless woman, living in her van, that just happens to be stationed outside a playwright's driveway for 15 years.
There's plenty of harmless laughs to be had but when it needs to get get poignant there simply isn't enough to carry the emotional weight it calls for.  If not for Maggie Smith's incredible performance, as the eccentric van dweller, the film wouldn't be nearly as watchable as it is.  In fact, she's so damned good she largely overshadows Alex Jennings' somewhat flat character, who the viewer is supposed to be focusing on the most as it's his personality that sort of grows throughout the film.

3 cans of Catholic paint out of 5

EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!! [2016]

Richard Linklater's fratty feel good Everybody Wants Some!! serves as a spiritual sequel to his 1993 cult classic, Dazed and Confused, by picking up with the main character entering his first year of college.
On the surface it's merely about immature chatter, pranks, drugs, alcohol and sex but beneath it tethers together with easy to relate to characters, familiar situations and self-discovery.  Linklater is wonderful at spying the small growths and unnoticed epiphanies in characters as they mindlessly shoot the shit and unknowingly gain more knowledge.  There really aren't any bad guys in his films but everyone is just as relatably funny as they are a vile assclown, which in real life we tend to forget all too often.  Like the characters themselves, we might not notice but there's a lot more going that we realize only when it's over and it's time to move on.

3½ "average penis" pick-up lines out of 5

THE NICE GUYS [2016]

Director Shane Black makes amusingly good use of the R-rating in the pulpy screwball buddy-action flick The Nice Guys.
Set in a sleazy 1970's L.A., two bumbling P.I's investigate the murders of multiple porn stars and constantly fuck-up along the way, sometimes for the better, missing teeth or not.
Black is at his best when his main characters are constantly bantering against each other and here we have Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling having the time of their lives trading insults, punches and bullets.  Amongst it's broken noses, dislocated shoulders and piles of bloody somethings, is some misdirected heart that glues it all together with hidden delicacy.
With it's sharp-witted dialogue, hilarious brisk-pacing and wonderful casting chemistry, The Nice Guys prances around it's genre's clichés with drunken glee.

4 "dead" protesters out of 5

The Amityville Collection

Do the Amityville films deserve a Collection post? Absolutely not, they're mostly rubbish, but there's no way in hell I'm wasting a label on them, so this was the next best thing. Below you'll find links to the first eight films in the long-running series. The reason I stopped there is because number nine appears to be a found-footage film. Nail. In. Coffin. I'm done.*

01. The Amityville Horror (1979)

02. Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

03. Amityville III: The Demon (1983)

04. Amityville IV: The Evil Escapes (1989)

05. The Amityville Curse (1989)

06. Amityville: It's About Time (1992)

07. Amityville: A New Generation (1993)

08. Amityville Dollhouse (1996)

*A remake of the first film was released between films 08 and 09, but because it's basically the first film again I chose not to give it a place in the sequel list, or even a review because it's worse than any that I did waste words on.

PS: If anyone feels the urge to argue that it can't be a 'Collection' because it's incomplete, that's fine, but please first consider that I didn't claim it was a 'Complete Collection', in the same way it's not incorrect to say you have a DVD or Blu-ray collection even though you don't own every film ever released on the formats.

OTOSHIANA [1962]

aka Pitfall

Hiroshi Teshigahara's hauntingly surreal Otoshiana plays like it's the first part of the director's skewed social issues satire series.
Placed in post-WWII Japan while in political turmoil, a coal miner living in near-poverty wanders into a ghost town searching for work only to find himself amongst the lost souls.
The black & white curio is indeed a challenge but manages to linger within the mind for days afterwards, as you realize just how much is really going on within the multifaceted storytelling.  While it's not necessarily a horror film it still manages to deeply disturb, frighten and make for an unpleasant yet strangely funny experience that is dreadfully irresistible.

4 series of unfortunate events out of 5

Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)

Nuclear testing at sea causes fissures to appear inland. From the cracks, a three-million-year-old civilisation sends Megalon (left of picture), who sets about destroying indiscriminately via the use of stock footage.
The thirteenth movie gets a lot of hate, but not from me. It's utterly terrible, I admit, but it's also strangely fantastic, balancing perfectly on the theoretical line that exists between the two subjective states.

It was originally a tokusatsu robot story that had a friendly-eyed Godzilla added to it, so the robot (imagine Ultraman with an inane grin after sharting himself) gets more screen time than Godzilla. The latter arrives late to the party but brings the smack down. The tag team wrestle that ends the 70s train wreck is hilarity of the highest and lowest calibre.

3 hand signals out of 5

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

The first filmed version of Roald Dahl's famous book is the only one you really need to see. The screenplay was written by the author himself. I know that alone doesn't guarantee success, but thankfully everything else in the production came up as polished and golden as the tickets that grant the five young protagonists access to the secret world of Willy Wonka.
Wilder plays the chocolatier like a ringmaster with an enigmatic but caustic edge lurking beneath his multifaceted surface – he's a candy box of moods.
Wonka's the guide but it's Charlie Bucket who the audience are more in tune with. Charlie is poor in pocket but rich in heart. He recognises moments of self-pity when they appear but half the time is powerless to quash them completely. He'd be bullied in real life, but in Dahl's world he's a shining light of redemption that provides both the warmth of a kind heart and the selfless sadness that is often tethered to the same emotional machine.

4 disappearing rabbits out of 5

A TALKING CAT!?! [2013]

David DeCoteau wisely hides under the guise of Mary Crawford as the director of the undeniably shit-sational A Talking Cat!?!
Duffy (meticulously portrayed by Squeaky the Cat) has the power of slurred speech so he uses it to help a pack of human waste come together.
Nobody in this movie acts or talks like a normal human being, leading me to believe Squeaky was the mastermind behind this baffling script that seems like it's 40% of overly long establishing shots.  Eric Roberts as the voice of Duffy, sounds so defeated in life I wonder how often he could be found crying in the bathroom in between takes.
Besides it's unintentional homo-erotic undertones and the fact that it's clearly filmed on the set of gay porn films, the movie is pretty safe for the kidlets.  That's if you need to rapidly dissolve their unsuspecting brains into a quivering puddle of feline diarrhea.

1 cheese puff out of 5

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT [2016]

Funny girl Tina Fey takes a bit more of a serious tone in director Glenn Ficcara & John Requa's humorous war drama Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Inspired by journalist Kim Baker's time she spent in Afghanistan, during the early years of the war, where she was one of the first American civilians to experience what was really going on there.
These folks are so crazily focused on their career in such a self-centered manner they're hard to like, so thankfully the great cast humanizes them enough to make us see the world from this insane point of view.  WTF brings all sorts of interesting ideas to the table but it simply does not have enough time to fully explore them to make any sort of strong emotional connection.
With another 10 or 15 minutes to flesh out it's army of themes and topics this film would have been an thoroughly engaging character study.

3 beautiful mysterious IKEA bags out of 5

STAR TREK BEYOND [2016]

Director Justin Lin gives Captain Kirk & Friends a fast & furious makeover for the third installment of the Kelvin timeline, Star Trek Beyond.
This time around we follow the restless Enterprise crew into uncharted space where they meet a Big Bad who's bent on destroying the federation.
It's a pretty straight forward story that feels more like an old episode of TOS, especially by dropping the heavy cynicism of the first two films and diving deeper into the search for hope in humanity.  More a character piece than story driven film, we get plenty of great moments with the cast that all share an easily watchable on-screen chemistry.  There's some unforgivable face-palmy moments but Trek's always had it's fair share of bits that easily out-dates itself best taken with a grain of salt.
It's not going to win over any folks already hissing at the series but for those already invested in this series than it's as pleasurable as Insurrection or The Search for Spock.  A welcome stand alone film treading water in a world of sequels that require knowledge of every film in the franchise.

3 big green hands out of 5

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

The twelfth movie has a theme park (under construction) with a life-size Godzilla Tower, which naturally doubles as a base for villainy. The builders are on a quest to bring "absolute peace" to the entire planet, but as with many things in life the exact meaning of such a politically loaded phrase is open to interpretation. A manga creator named Gengo (Hiroshi Ishikawa) stumbles into the evildoers' plot, aided by a duo of resourceful Japanese hippies.
The real Godzilla, meanwhile, is chilling on Monster Island, chatting to one-time foe Anguirus via actual speech bubbles - I shit you not. When they learn that the mainland is threatened, the kaijū decide to lend the humans a hand.
As you can see from the original poster art, it's not a one-on-one battle with the cyclopean invader. But before the battle, the plot pauses in order to deliver a message about the dangers of an over-reliance on technology.

2½ image projections out of 5

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

The eleventh Godzilla movie teaches us in no uncertain terms that polluting the environment is bad. It's dangerous and if left unchecked could develop into a towering smog monster that hurls goop in our general direction.
In truth, it's arguably more upsetting than that. The poison gas that Hedorah exudes kills a lot of people; even if you're innocent, all it takes is being in an area when Hedorah flies overhead and you're boned.
If it wasn't so weird in other ways the story would be frightening in what in alludes to. Weird how? How about a kaijū toking on smokestacks? Or animated public information style films that are as creepy as they are funny? (Actually, I loved those.) It's not a good film, but it's definitely an unusual one.
Oh, and that thing that happened near the end when Godzilla used atomic breath? It didn't happen as far as I'm concerned. I refuse to accept it.

2 fish masks out of 5