Captain America (1990)

It doesn't take long for lame Steve Rogers to be transformed into the all-American hero. By about fifteen minutes into the film he's kicking Nazi butt in some of the worst edited action scenes outside of a Michael Bay movie.
The Red Skull is the Captain's enemy through the ages. But he's rubbish in comparison to the one thing that the story manages to do reasonably okay: Steve's feeling that the world has moved on without him. It's achieved best in a scene that has the fly-boy running down the middle of a road.
Overall, he doesn't do very much actual heroics. It feels like a TV movie that had to compromise all too often. His plastic shield was embarrassing, but at least it and the suit design are faithful to the source.

1½ superhero sickies out of 5

A Christmas Story (1983)

Poor Ralphie. All he wanted was that fucking Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. It's the story every kid can relate to: coveting something so badly and knowing you can't have it ("you'll shoot your eye out!"). So you try everything; you try to be good, you try to hint at it subtly, you even get over your fears and ask the department store Santa for it. Still, nothing. And then...sweet glory. Based on the (partially) autobiographical recountings of author Jean Shepherd and his family, this classic film is an essential part of anyone's Christmas viewing. I saved the best for last.

5 guilt-ridden fantasy sequences out of 5