Dogme 95 director Lars Von Trier (whose last effort I saw was Antichrist) delivers his latest in cinematic experimentalism. Kirsten Dunst is troubled by a deep affliction on the night of her wedding which leads to the breakdown of her life. On the other side of things, you have her very supportive sister who comes to her aid throughout it all. The first hour or so is very slow and you have no idea where it's going and then...BOOM. Everything else that comes before it is rendered trivial. Like The Tree of Life, it makes use of impressive visuals and beautiful music. It's much better to go into this film knowing nothing and enjoy it for all it's worth.
5 brilliant uses of Wagner's Tristan und Isolde out of 5
In a Nutshell. Mini reviews of movies old and new. No fuss. No spoilers. And often no sleep.
Friday, 30 September 2011
The Tree of Life (2011)
Reclusive director Terrence Malick (who has only produced 5 features to date since 1973) brings us this brilliant, thought-provoking moodpiece in which nothing much happens, and yet everything happens. This includes a mesmerizing extended sequence depicting the birth and history of our universe (yes, there are even dinosaurs). In the main timeline of the film, we find Sean Penn's character reflecting back on his childhood years growing up, dealing with life, love, sex, death and everything in between. A very introspective and humbling cinematic experience.
5 Best of the Year out of 5
5 Best of the Year out of 5
Thursday, 29 September 2011
MOU GAN DOU [INFERNAL AFFAIRS] [2002]
Hong Kong takes everything Michael Mann has done and perfected it in the first of a trilogy. Infernal Affairs is a near perfect crime-drama that wastes not a second of film. From beginning to end I was enthralled with the tightly wound pacing, performances and plot reveals.
While the characters begin to question which side they are actually one, the viewer is forced to question which side they are rooting for without being manipulated or spoon fed plot twists like we're stupid.
There are a few shots of overly stylized silliness and plot points that go nowhere but all that is forgiven for just how well the story is told. For a movie that's filled with pretty pop stars turned actors this surprises, enthralls and forces me to beg for more.
4 Rooftops out of 5
While the characters begin to question which side they are actually one, the viewer is forced to question which side they are rooting for without being manipulated or spoon fed plot twists like we're stupid.
There are a few shots of overly stylized silliness and plot points that go nowhere but all that is forgiven for just how well the story is told. For a movie that's filled with pretty pop stars turned actors this surprises, enthralls and forces me to beg for more.
4 Rooftops out of 5
TECHNOTISE: EDIT & I [2009]
Based off of his own art & story, Aleksa Gajić brings his Technotise graphic novel to life in this astonishingly good Serbian animated sci-fi feature.
A fascinating tale filled with paranoia and twists & turns not much different from something Philip K. Dick would have written. It's set in the future, but not so much the viewer is asked to suspend their disbelief. Beautifully animated and produced by a surprising small number of only 15 people, I wasn't prepared to be blown away by the crisp and varied styles of animation used.
At the risk of spoiling anything I can just highly recommend this one if your yearning for a smart sci-fi film complimented with gorgeous animation.
4 stuttering bunnies out of 5
A fascinating tale filled with paranoia and twists & turns not much different from something Philip K. Dick would have written. It's set in the future, but not so much the viewer is asked to suspend their disbelief. Beautifully animated and produced by a surprising small number of only 15 people, I wasn't prepared to be blown away by the crisp and varied styles of animation used.
At the risk of spoiling anything I can just highly recommend this one if your yearning for a smart sci-fi film complimented with gorgeous animation.
4 stuttering bunnies out of 5
CreepTales (2004)
This Creepshow/Tales from the Crypt/Darkside-style anthology flick (which took 15 years to get released) plays like a lesson in bad horror conventions from the 1980s. The tongue-in-cheekiness is the only thing that saves it from getting a big fat zero. Horrible, bad, and terrible, all in one convenient package.
½ grotesque vacuum monster out of 5
½ grotesque vacuum monster out of 5
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
L'ILLUSIONNISTE [THE ILLUSIONIST] [2010]
From Les triplettes de Belleville writer/director Sylvain Chomet, comes another beautifully animated tale. With next to no dialogue and a few incoherent mumbles, The Illusionist can be enjoyed by anybody.
It's a charming, heartbreaking tale about an illusionist struggling to get by 1959, Paris. It's humorous, thoughtful and looks incredible with it's warm, muted colors. The vastly varied character designs, gorgeous backgrounds and the warmth of classical animation make it an instant classic in my books. Upon second viewing I paid close attention to minor details and was completely blown away by the attention to detail with the sound effects, the subtle in-jokes and reflections of the different lives.
...and there's a bunny.
5 Losers of Society Hotels out of 5
It's a charming, heartbreaking tale about an illusionist struggling to get by 1959, Paris. It's humorous, thoughtful and looks incredible with it's warm, muted colors. The vastly varied character designs, gorgeous backgrounds and the warmth of classical animation make it an instant classic in my books. Upon second viewing I paid close attention to minor details and was completely blown away by the attention to detail with the sound effects, the subtle in-jokes and reflections of the different lives.
...and there's a bunny.
5 Losers of Society Hotels out of 5
The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
NOW HIRING: Bad actors for a bad British incidental comedy horror, best described as a supernatural Emmerdale Farm episode with less Dingles and more dung. You'll be required to play a quaint yokel.
Tea and sandwiches will be provided.
Clothes for Miss Amanda Donohoe are in short supply.
There'll be an inspired crucifixion scene with the usual Ken Russell motifs (Nuns, blood and sex), but everything else will be laughable or just plain awful. Please don't poke the giant rubber worm on set.
1 venomous spit on Christ out of 5
Faces of Death (1980)
(Note: I got no pleasure out of watching this whatsoever.)
How do I review something like this? Is it a movie, a documentary, or both? Essentially, I learned that it was all constructed around stock footage. You have the worst stuff, which to me are all the medical dissections and the brutal slaughterhouse conditions (all real). Then you have the "re-creations," which were all shot from scratch. The alligator attack, the monkey head scene, the police shootout, capital punishment, the cult sacrifice, the beheading, the bear attack--all FAKE. What's left are brief glimpses of death--the beginning of an assassination or a suicide (which then quickly cuts away), the aftermath of tragic fatalities, bits of wreckage--but all the close-up gory details (body parts and so forth) are all fabricated. It's unbelievable to me that a movie as notorious as this, which has remained so taboo for so many years, is actually so tame and mostly a hoax.
So how do I review it? Well, as a "documentary" about death (narrated by the fictitious "Dr. Gröss"), it succeeds in exploring something our culture tends to shun and hide away and puts it out in the open, and for that I applaud it. However, its attempts to be misleading and the satisfaction it gets out of exploiting its audience is rather despicable and unforgivable (then again, did I really want to see the raw footage?). It's not as bad as my imagination led me to believe it would be, but then again, it's nothing anyone should ever have to subject themselves to.
2 facing my fears out of 5
How do I review something like this? Is it a movie, a documentary, or both? Essentially, I learned that it was all constructed around stock footage. You have the worst stuff, which to me are all the medical dissections and the brutal slaughterhouse conditions (all real). Then you have the "re-creations," which were all shot from scratch. The alligator attack, the monkey head scene, the police shootout, capital punishment, the cult sacrifice, the beheading, the bear attack--all FAKE. What's left are brief glimpses of death--the beginning of an assassination or a suicide (which then quickly cuts away), the aftermath of tragic fatalities, bits of wreckage--but all the close-up gory details (body parts and so forth) are all fabricated. It's unbelievable to me that a movie as notorious as this, which has remained so taboo for so many years, is actually so tame and mostly a hoax.
So how do I review it? Well, as a "documentary" about death (narrated by the fictitious "Dr. Gröss"), it succeeds in exploring something our culture tends to shun and hide away and puts it out in the open, and for that I applaud it. However, its attempts to be misleading and the satisfaction it gets out of exploiting its audience is rather despicable and unforgivable (then again, did I really want to see the raw footage?). It's not as bad as my imagination led me to believe it would be, but then again, it's nothing anyone should ever have to subject themselves to.
2 facing my fears out of 5
Tales from the Quadead Zone (1987)
What the fuck is wrong with me? Even after experiencing the "horror" that is Black Devil Doll From Hell, I still sought out this follow-up from writer/director Chester Novell Turner. What the fuck? Did I expect it to be an improvement over his first effort? NO! I only seek to torture myself by watching bad films! Why? WHY??? AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
0 suicide of this reviewer out of 5
0 suicide of this reviewer out of 5
Johnny English Reborn (2011)
As a faithful fan of Rowan Atkinson, I seek out to watch everything the man has been in, even though I accept that the first movie was pretty horrible. Like Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau act or Steve Carrell as Maxwell Smart, Atkinson is very funny here doing his uncomfortable comedy routine, and there are several gags that had me in stitches, but the production itself spews ass lava. Also, what the hell is Gillian Anderson doing in this?
2 should have made another Mr. Bean movie out of 5
2 should have made another Mr. Bean movie out of 5
Bad Teacher (2011)
Trying desperately to follow in the footsteps of Terry Zwigoff's Bad Santa (2003), this piece of shit fails in every possible capacity (in particular, HUMOR). Gold digger scumbag WHORE Cameron Diaz doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself until she meets nerdy Justin Timberlake and decides to raise money to purchase fake tits in order to impress him. The stupidity of this premise is staggering. She curses, smokes pot, cheats, steals, doesn't teach her students a dime's worth of knowledge, learns nothing, and yet somehow at the end of the day, she's hailed as the protagonist of this movie. Fuck off.
0 Worst Movie Of The Year out of 5
0 Worst Movie Of The Year out of 5
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
The Morlocks (2011)
Modern day morons open a Stargate -sorry, “Rift” - in time that enable Morlocks from the future to travel to our time. Being averse to light meant the Morlocks weren't able to read the Wells book and didn't know they were smaller than humans, so they get to be large, hulking, CGI menacing Resident Evil rejects in a film possibly written, scripted, shot, acted, edited and scored by troglodytes, It's a hateful, cheap and nasty piece of work.
0 let's hope it never sees the light of day again out of 5
0 let's hope it never sees the light of day again out of 5
MUSA [2001]
The word "epic" has been thrown around so much it means almost nothing these days. Fortunately, South Korea's Musa can grasp onto that word and mean business.
It's raw, brutal, vast in the historical story it covers, beautifully shot, gives you more than enough to think about and tells the story of heroism, vengeance and love like it really means it.
Clocking in at over 2+ hours, not a second is wasted, making note of the superb, yet understated performances, the well-choreographed battle scenes, the costumes and the scenery.
Highly recommended for those interested in seeing what a real epic film is.
4 bloody zanbatos out of 5
It's raw, brutal, vast in the historical story it covers, beautifully shot, gives you more than enough to think about and tells the story of heroism, vengeance and love like it really means it.
Clocking in at over 2+ hours, not a second is wasted, making note of the superb, yet understated performances, the well-choreographed battle scenes, the costumes and the scenery.
Highly recommended for those interested in seeing what a real epic film is.
4 bloody zanbatos out of 5
Gothic (1986)
The meeting of Lord Byron, Percy Shelley and his lover Mary Godwin has passed into legend as the night the seeds of Frankenstein (1818) were born.
Ken Russell creates his own hysterical imbued fiction around those events, in his unique debauched style. With a carnival ride through the themes of abortion, adultery, blasphemy, incest, self-mutilation and vampirism it’s business as usual for the British pervert. It starts great and ends great, but it’s flabby in the middle. Special kudos to Natasha Richardson as Mary.
3 poets, like schizos, are never alone out of 5
Ken Russell creates his own hysterical imbued fiction around those events, in his unique debauched style. With a carnival ride through the themes of abortion, adultery, blasphemy, incest, self-mutilation and vampirism it’s business as usual for the British pervert. It starts great and ends great, but it’s flabby in the middle. Special kudos to Natasha Richardson as Mary.
3 poets, like schizos, are never alone out of 5
Monday, 26 September 2011
CHEGYEOGJA [THE CHASER] [2008]
South Korea has a knack for taking the serial killer story and twisting it around on it's head giving it a new life. Na Hong-jin's The Chaser is no different.
It takes enough unpredictable twists and turns as the film rolls along but sadly it's just not the psychologically engaging, until the final hour but by then it's too late to pick up most of the pieces. The two main character performances are beautifully executed and I suspect get better with each viewing but they aren't fleshed out enough in the story itself. The addition of a little girl in the mix is to lighten the mood and played for laughs but is quite frankly annoying.
As realistic as the film tries to be there are too many inane coincidences and silly character actions to ever fully believe it.
In the end it's a so-so film with wonderful acting and camera work, but Korea can do so much better in the thriller department. Oh well.
3 chisels in the head out of 5
It takes enough unpredictable twists and turns as the film rolls along but sadly it's just not the psychologically engaging, until the final hour but by then it's too late to pick up most of the pieces. The two main character performances are beautifully executed and I suspect get better with each viewing but they aren't fleshed out enough in the story itself. The addition of a little girl in the mix is to lighten the mood and played for laughs but is quite frankly annoying.
As realistic as the film tries to be there are too many inane coincidences and silly character actions to ever fully believe it.
In the end it's a so-so film with wonderful acting and camera work, but Korea can do so much better in the thriller department. Oh well.
3 chisels in the head out of 5
The Gathering (2003)
Christina Ricci gets hit by a car and loses her memory. If she'd lost consciousness, like I almost did, things might have gotten more interesting.
You've seen this movie before, it had different actors and a different title but it’s the same old safe crap that Hollywood favours over something that might actually stir an audience and force them out of their apathy.
0½ an onlooker out of 5
You've seen this movie before, it had different actors and a different title but it’s the same old safe crap that Hollywood favours over something that might actually stir an audience and force them out of their apathy.
0½ an onlooker out of 5
Black Devil Doll (2007)
So I guess they thought they'd "improve" upon the original by hiring an all-white cast. More than anything, I found myself distracted by all the botched-up boob jobs of the broads depicted in this schlockfest. Provides an origin story for the Black Devil Doll ripped straight out of Child's Play. This time around, they play it for straight comedy, instead of the unintentional comedy/"horror" of the original. It's an improvement, but not by much.
½ I can fap to this! out of 5
½ I can fap to this! out of 5
Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)
Holy mother of fuck. Quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen in my life, and I don't say that lightly. Shot on home video, poorly dubbed, horrendously acted, with the most repugnant "musical" score ever known to man. Notable I guess for the scene where a ventriloquist dummy rapes a virgin Christian woman. This in turn opens up a deep sexual awakening in her, except she can only be satisfied by the doll. I felt like I was watching a fucked up porno for the most part. Unforgettable...for better or for worse.
A surefire recipient of the Nutshell Turd Award.
0 puppets scare the living shit out of me out of 5
A surefire recipient of the Nutshell Turd Award.
0 puppets scare the living shit out of me out of 5
The Puppet Monster Massacre (2011)
I know what you're thinking...but it's better than it sounds. This zero budget puppet show plays exactly like your typical bad formulaic horror movie...only with an all-puppet cast. This is actually an improvement over said typical bad formulaic horror movie. Amusing voice-work (which is really all this movie is) and some blood splatter effects and you've got yourself a picture worthy of a third-rate knock-off of House on Haunted Hill.
2 Raimi-Campbell homages out of 5
2 Raimi-Campbell homages out of 5
Little Johnny: The Movie (2011)
"Australia's answer to Family Guy" this is not. Revolving around the butt of an old joke, foul mouthed pervert Little Johnny and his well-meaning uncle are featured in this series of Flash animations resembling a movie. Some bits reminded me of old Peanuts gags. The "plot" follows Little Johnny in his efforts to afford a new bicycle so he can impress the little girl he fancies. Meh for the most part. Vulgar for vulgar's sake, which is rarely ever funny.
1 cock-a-doodle-doo out of 5
1 cock-a-doodle-doo out of 5
Son of Morning (2011)
Going nowhere 20-something Phillip is propelled to stardom when he is photographed crying blood and hailed as the next Messiah. All the responsibility and power goes to his head, even as he says and does nothing and the media project their own ideals unto him. Then there's also the little matter of the Sun dying... Loses momentum after awhile, but it's a wild ride on the way there.
3.5 "More talking gerbil" out of 5
3.5 "More talking gerbil" out of 5
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Paris, Texas (1984)
A bearded Harry Dean Stanton walks around the desert in an empty haze. Has he found some grade A weed, or something more tragic? The remainder of the film fills in the four-year blank in his mind, very slowly but hauntingly poetic.
The cinematographer (Robby Müller) deserves a large chocolate medal for his work. 147 minutes is perhaps too long, but the last half hour will nail itself to your memory, when Stanton shows the world what it means to be an actor.
4 strums by Ry Cooder out of 5
The cinematographer (Robby Müller) deserves a large chocolate medal for his work. 147 minutes is perhaps too long, but the last half hour will nail itself to your memory, when Stanton shows the world what it means to be an actor.
4 strums by Ry Cooder out of 5
Suck (2009)
It's either very brave, very stupid or playfully ironic to call your movie Suck when it does. A so-called 'comedy' about a so-called 'rock' band that... suck. Draft in some rock stars for a readymade audience. Throw meat at Moby the vegan? Have Alice Cooper say “Welcome to my Nightmare,” and turn Henry Rollins into an asshole? Oh, the ironic hilarity. I struggled to make it to twenty minutes. The FFW button is my friend; it will likely be yours too.
0 something funny and ironic that is neither out of 5
DRIVE [2011]
What if David Lynch played it straight and directed a Quentin Tarantino script in the style of a '80's Martin Scorsese flick. You'd probably get Drive.
Danish director (of Pusher fame) Nicolas Winding Refn crafts a well-paced, violent, bizarre, heist thriller following the story of an unnamed character played by Ryan Gosling. It's got a supporting cast that couldn't be better, including Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks. Everything about it is reminiscent of the '80's right down to the stylish score and source songs.
It's a quiet little modern noir that is easily one of my favorites of the year.
4 ½ stunt-double masks out of 5
Danish director (of Pusher fame) Nicolas Winding Refn crafts a well-paced, violent, bizarre, heist thriller following the story of an unnamed character played by Ryan Gosling. It's got a supporting cast that couldn't be better, including Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks. Everything about it is reminiscent of the '80's right down to the stylish score and source songs.
It's a quiet little modern noir that is easily one of my favorites of the year.
4 ½ stunt-double masks out of 5
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON [2011]
I walked out of the theater at the hour and fifteen minute mark of this shitfest. So I figured if budarc could sit through Priest twice then I could sit through this beginning to end.
I'm not sorry I missed the remainder of the movie, however I would have liked to have seen the final hour in IMAX 3D, with the exception of the final showdown which is a HUGE letdown. Giant robots fight. Things go boom in slow-motion. Plenty of ass shots...and that's just Shia's face. Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley gets plenty of exploitive shots as well.
As a CGI effect and sound effects film this is a work of art...for story, acting, direction and anything else is a steaming pile of shit.
1 "Missed It By That Much" out of 5
I'm not sorry I missed the remainder of the movie, however I would have liked to have seen the final hour in IMAX 3D, with the exception of the final showdown which is a HUGE letdown. Giant robots fight. Things go boom in slow-motion. Plenty of ass shots...and that's just Shia's face. Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley gets plenty of exploitive shots as well.
As a CGI effect and sound effects film this is a work of art...for story, acting, direction and anything else is a steaming pile of shit.
1 "Missed It By That Much" out of 5
Jane Eyre (2011)
Dark, broodish and gorgeously shot...what's not to like? Strong-willed and independent-minded Jane Eyre braves a horrible upbringing and woos the heart of headmaster Mr. Rochester in this dreary Gothic tale. Not as tragic as I initially anticipated (and with an ending I'm still uncertain I agree with), I still soaked up every moment of this.
4 classic Victorian settings out of 5
4 classic Victorian settings out of 5
The Tempest (2010)
An all-star cast, special effects, and a modern, rock tinged soundtrack (?) was not enough to save this snoozefest. In all fairness, I'm not really familiar with this play, but this movie did nothing to convince me otherwise. Russell Brand and Alfred Molina (as the two drunks) were great fun, but the rest bored me with their straitlaced interpretations. No offense to Shakespeare, but in my opinion the material was handled too blandly for contemporary audiences to properly digest.
1 save the text for the classroom out of 5
1 save the text for the classroom out of 5
Saturday, 24 September 2011
AKMAREUL BOATDAL [I SAW THE DEVIL] [2010]
Director Kim Ji-woon is a genre-hopping master. From the hilariously silly, the just plain weird, super creepy to disgustingly violent, Ji-Woon manages to throw in all those elements into his latest feature length.
With masterful performances from Choi Min-sik and Lee Byung-hun, I Saw The Devil is hypnotizing from beginning to end. It's a cat and mouse revenge tale, where the cat is particularly sadistic...and he's the good guy.
Although it does run about 15 minutes too long, there are a few huge plot holes and things that just don't make sense, I Saw The Devil is well-crafted, well-performed and good, sick, twisted fun.
4 Disappearing wounds out of 5
With masterful performances from Choi Min-sik and Lee Byung-hun, I Saw The Devil is hypnotizing from beginning to end. It's a cat and mouse revenge tale, where the cat is particularly sadistic...and he's the good guy.
Although it does run about 15 minutes too long, there are a few huge plot holes and things that just don't make sense, I Saw The Devil is well-crafted, well-performed and good, sick, twisted fun.
4 Disappearing wounds out of 5
KILLER ELITE [2011]
When I first saw that Jason Statham and Clive Owen had done a film together I dookied in my pants a little...seeing that DeNiro was in it as well confirmed that dookie.
It's violent, filled with plot holes, it's violent, filled with magically healing wounds, it's violent, not particularly original and it's violent.
I loved it.
Seeing Statham and Owen duke it out something fierce, definitely takes the cake from Fast Five's Vin Diesel and Rock as 2011's ultimate showdown. DeNiro gets into the action himself which is an absolute squeal-worthy delight.
It's unpredictable enough to keep you entertained till the end and the enticing performances hold your interest during the non-action scenes. If you're an action-buff who likes to see it done right, then this is it served to you on a silver platter.
3 ½ Funny British Guy Curses out of 5
It's violent, filled with plot holes, it's violent, filled with magically healing wounds, it's violent, not particularly original and it's violent.
I loved it.
Seeing Statham and Owen duke it out something fierce, definitely takes the cake from Fast Five's Vin Diesel and Rock as 2011's ultimate showdown. DeNiro gets into the action himself which is an absolute squeal-worthy delight.
It's unpredictable enough to keep you entertained till the end and the enticing performances hold your interest during the non-action scenes. If you're an action-buff who likes to see it done right, then this is it served to you on a silver platter.
3 ½ Funny British Guy Curses out of 5
Secret Ceremony (1968)
Elizabeth Taylor, in one of her more interesting roles, plays an unhappy prostitute with some very silly wizard gowns. Mia Farrow steals the film as a young woman with some extreme psychological problems. Together the two women facilitate each other’s fantasy world.
The house in which Mia lives is full of decadent colour and baroque design and yet with an understated lighting it remains mysterious and eerie.
The film gave me the feckin wiggins; not in the usual horror movie or David Lynch way, but in a whole new way I've never experienced before. I found it uncomfortable but essential viewing.
The house in which Mia lives is full of decadent colour and baroque design and yet with an understated lighting it remains mysterious and eerie.
The film gave me the feckin wiggins; not in the usual horror movie or David Lynch way, but in a whole new way I've never experienced before. I found it uncomfortable but essential viewing.
4½ scary pervert scenes for Mitchum out of 5
Exorcismus (2010)
Troubled adolescent girl is plagued by visions of demonic possession and experiences sudden lapses of consciousness and self-control. Told from the girl's point of view, which I haven't particularly seen before, there are quite a few unsettling moments (and some silly ones), enough to separate it from the rest. A very mild recommendation, for the modern horror connoisseur.
2.5 leave the fucking Ouija board alone out of 5
2.5 leave the fucking Ouija board alone out of 5
Episode 50 (2011)
This sounds familiar. A group of paranormal investigators travel to a haunted insane asylum as part of the 50th episode of their reality series. As soon as they get there, things begin to go bump in the night. Way too cheesy and predictable, and not enough genuine thrills. The way this film was shot is terrible; it is neither "found footage" nor conventional storytelling, but an incomprehensible mix of both. I found myself distracted not only by the poor acting and terrible effects, but also the way this whole mess was edited. A waste of time from every angle, as far as I'm concerned.
½ Grave Encounters knock-off out of 5
½ Grave Encounters knock-off out of 5
The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)
This found footage movie was supposed to be released back in 2007, but was held up indefinitely for reasons unknown to this viewer. I was finally able to track down a version online, but it did not live up to the hype of its trailer, nor did it contain anything I would consider controversial or offensive. In fact, it's surprisingly tame compared to other movies of the genre. Essentially, a serial killer has recorded all of his victims and these tapes are just now being released to the public, and authorities and officials comment on it, like in your typical crime TV show. The graininess of the footage lends to its authenticity, to the point of becoming dull and unbearable to watch. It makes such an effort to be "believable" that it ceases to be entertaining at all.
1 episode of Forensic Files out of 5
1 episode of Forensic Files out of 5
Friday, 23 September 2011
The Beach (2000)
1 inappropriate homage too far out of 5
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Babylon 5: The Gathering (1993)
A feature–length pilot that's notable mostly for setting up large chunks of a story arc that would develop in subsequent years, although no one but series creator J. Michael Straczynski and the producers really knew back then because such long-running continuity wasn't the norm at the time.
If you know Babylon 5 already, then The Gathering is worth hunting down, despite its flaws. If you're new to the station, however, or not sure if a plot-heavy sci-fi show is really for you, it might be better to start with Season 1 of the TV series instead, even though it means missing out on some crucial back-story for certain characters. You can fill in the gaps later, but be aware that there are a number of notable differences between what was planned and what eventually came to pass.
3 changing faces out of 5
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Yume nara samete (2002)
aka: Perfect Blue
A shy young model gets the opportunity to— To hell with that. There are moments of reflective contemplation in YNS that remind me of a Takeshi Kitano film but they're few; the remainder is boring, badly acted and has piss-poor music. And that song! My ears! How many damn times?
Getting a hold of it was a lot more effort than it was worth. If you're clever, watch the anime with the same name instead.
0½ of nothing more out of 5
Millennium Actress (2001)
Chiyoko Fujiwara is an aging actress with a story still to tell. It will remain untold until the proper audience is found; at the whim of fate the proper audience finds her. Once again, Director Satoshi Kon tears down the boundaries between the real and the imagined, causing past and present to overlap with fiction and reality in captured time.
It would take at least a thousand words to address all its merits. Ultimately, it's a love letter to film and a poetic celebration of the human heart. Kon gave us a film that demands subsequent viewings. If you hate it, you're dead inside.
5 nods to Kurosawa and Godard out of 5
Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight (2002)
B5 fans will want to see it for themselves, but be prepared for disappointment and being witness to what's perhaps the single worst weapons system ever conceived by man in the history of television.
2½ imperfect reflections out of 5
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)
This entertaining action-adventure comedy suffers from being a tad overlong. A New York street cop's death is staged and he is promptly given a new face and identity. As Remo Williams (Fred Ward, with an attitude), he is trained to be a super solder for the government. The old Korean master who trains him is a hoot. (I later learned he was played by a white guy. ) Despite the title, the film was a box-office disaster and all plans for any further adventures were shelved.
Fun if you're in the mood for a nostalgia trip back to the early '80s.
3 creepy guys clapping out of 5
Fun if you're in the mood for a nostalgia trip back to the early '80s.
3 creepy guys clapping out of 5
Live Freaky! Die Freaky! (2006)
This strange clay-animated stopmotion musical adult black comedy feature about the (thinly-veiled) Charles Manson murders is a real head scratcher. On one hand, you've got a subject matter ripe for the telling, but on the other hand you've got an incomprehensible story and nonsensical characters which does not raise itself much higher than its source material. There are a couple of interesting segments in this mass of celluloid confusion, but not enough to remain consistently entertaining.
Um...is it weird that I got a boner from watching two pieces of clay having sex?
1 clay penis inside of a clay vagina out of 5
Um...is it weird that I got a boner from watching two pieces of clay having sex?
1 clay penis inside of a clay vagina out of 5
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Zookeeper (2011)
Dr. Dolittle meets Night at the Museum. Not exactly a happy marriage. Kevin James does his manic energy routine as the zookeeper trying to win back his ex, as the zoo animals attempt to show him their ways of getting a mate. This involves a scene taking a gorilla to TGI Friday's. It sounds stupid, but I actually laughed out loud more than I expected I would. Still more enjoyable than Mr. Popper's Penguins.
(Sidenote: Makes me wonder if kids will start jumping into bear and lion exhibits, thinking the animals will talk to them and be friendly.)
2.5 "fat man fall down, ha ha" shtick moments out of 5
Monday, 19 September 2011
Perfect Blue (1997)
Mima Kirigoe is a promising young Japanese pop-idol with aspirations to be an actress, so it’s unfortunate for her that she sits alone on the verge of sanity drinking from a cup of paranoia. When the fiction in her head overlaps with the fiction on the film set shit gets real.
Perfect Blue is Satoshi Kon’s first feature-length film and it’s a classic. It's chilling, creepy and uncomfortable viewing at times but highly recommended. The editing is perfection, I can’t praise it enough. You’ll forget you're watching an animation after fifteen minutes. It's a stunning début.
5 Hitchcockian timings out of 5
Perfect Blue is Satoshi Kon’s first feature-length film and it’s a classic. It's chilling, creepy and uncomfortable viewing at times but highly recommended. The editing is perfection, I can’t praise it enough. You’ll forget you're watching an animation after fifteen minutes. It's a stunning début.
5 Hitchcockian timings out of 5
Ninjas vs. Vampires (2010)
This poorly executed, ultra low-budget action comedy attempts to poke fun at Twilight and the like, but ends up failing terrifically. It doesn't quite explore the potential in the title, instead settling for ineffectual "action" sequences loaded with dime store special effects and pop culture references. Once the nerdy protagonist guy started displaying martial arts, I tuned out completely.
½ a day wasted watching shitty vampire flicks out of 5
½ a day wasted watching shitty vampire flicks out of 5
Priest (2011)
Sunday, 18 September 2011
HANNA [2011]
Actress Saoirse Ronan continues to impress me more and more with each role I see her in. Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana, Olivia Williams and Jason Flemyng all talented actors, take the back seat to allow Ronan to really shine here.
Hanna is more a character study thriller rather than the action-packed Bourne-esque flick it was advertised as in the misleading trailers. While not really original or groundbreaking it perfectly paces each plot reveal, is beautifully shot and entertains with out ever getting too heavy.
Unfortunately it falls apart at the very end and becomes a series of mesmerizing location shots stitched together with an unintentionally comedic chase scene.
Once you get past the boring climatic sequence and a few plot holes, I can highly recommend this film if it's a smart, well crafted thriller that you're looking for.
3 ½ bleeding gums out of 5
Hanna is more a character study thriller rather than the action-packed Bourne-esque flick it was advertised as in the misleading trailers. While not really original or groundbreaking it perfectly paces each plot reveal, is beautifully shot and entertains with out ever getting too heavy.
Unfortunately it falls apart at the very end and becomes a series of mesmerizing location shots stitched together with an unintentionally comedic chase scene.
Once you get past the boring climatic sequence and a few plot holes, I can highly recommend this film if it's a smart, well crafted thriller that you're looking for.
3 ½ bleeding gums out of 5
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