Ms .45 (1981)

An early film from Dir. Abel Ferrara that's in the controversial rape/revenge genre, but it's a lot better than most of them tend to be.
Seamstress Thana (Zoë Tamerlis Lund) is mute, unable to call for help while being assaulted and abused during the worst day of her life thus far. In her silent hell, fuelled by fear and frustration, Thana cracks, and with the titular .45 in hand she seeks bloody vengeance on the male population.
From her perspective, every male she meets is sleazy, deserving of at least some kind of punishment. It's a one-sided view, but it successfully places us deep into the abused woman's world, and even though it feels wrong a kind of uneasy sympathy develops.
Interestingly, while the crimes don’t go unnoticed, the police side of things is largely ignored, probably because it would compromise the connection.

3½ bags full out of 5

Bangkok Adrenaline (2009)

The film has one memorable thing to offer a viewer: stylish martial arts action that's reminiscent of both Hong Kong action cinema in its heyday and the Thai films of Prachya Pinkaew; about half the time the scenes are even well-edited. Beyond that, however, it has nothing much of value. The cast members who were hired solely for their amazing fighting skills have an excuse for being bad at acting, I suppose, but everyone else earns no such pardon.

1½ wrong answers out of 5

Impulse (1990)

Theresa Russell plays a cop working undercover for vice, posing as a prostitute to entice men who then get nicked. She likes it, discovering that the more her job makes her feel restricted, the more the danger makes her feel alive. She begins to wonder what it would be like to play her role for real.
It's not the character study I was hoping for. It never goes deep enough into her psyche or even into her private life for that. She ought to be complex, filled with conflict, but instead comes across as straightforwardly bored.
About one hour into the running time a dramatic shift in focus occurs, leading us into a different kind of drama, but it too only manages to show the surface of the depths it could've taken us. Oh, well, it could've been worse.

2½ curb appeals out of 5

CUTTHROAT ISLAND [1995]

Director Renny Harlin's action/adventure CutThroat Island will go down in history as one of the biggest box office flops of all time.
Geena Davis is spotty at best as a pirate captain who races against her nasty old uncle (fabulously played by Frank Langella) to retrieve a vast amount of hidden treasure.
Davis' and Matthew Modine's chemistry is no where to be found, making for some painfully empty moments which can also be the fault of the equally hollow character writing.  However it's the swashbuckling adventure we're here for and it delivers in spades.  It's everything you'd expect from a pirate film (minus a parrot) but doesn't offer anymore substance to make up for it's overly long running time.

2½ maps on a scalp out of 5

THE JUNGLE BOOK [2016]

Joining Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland & Maleficent, director Jon Favreau's The Jungle Book is yet another addition to Disney's growing line of live-action remakes of their own animated classics.
This version mostly follows the plot of the animated film of an orphaned jungle boy being hunted down by a tiger, while leaning more towards the moodier and more vicious tones of Rudyard Kipling's anthology stories.  
It's an astonishingly beautiful film to look at with CGI animals that have convincing personality once you get past the fact that they don't quite look like the real thing.  There's not a whole lot of subtext or plot details to relish in, so it's best to take it with a grain of salt and accept that it's a wonderfully crafted summer adventure film.  

3½ bad ol' mama cuckoos out of 5

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME [1992]

Cryptically serving as both a prequel and a sequel to the short-lived cult-hit television series, director David Lynch's Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me takes the viewer down a darker road than puzzled audiences expected.
By chronicling the final seven days of Laura Palmer's life (beautifully led by Sheryl Lee), the film didn't have a whole lot of reason to visit the comical quirkiness of damned fine coffee and heavenly cherry pie, which served as key elements as to why mainstream viewers loved the series in the first place.
Heavily weighing in on themes of incest, addiction, psychological abuse and other unpleasant topics the film manages to make sense of some of more baffling moments in the television series in such an oblique manner it might go over your head upon first glance.
More psychological thriller than oddball soap opera, FWWM is on my short list of films I've seen well over 20 times because it's a near-perfect exquisitely sinister mind-twister.

4 toe-heads out of 5

All Monsters Attack (1969)

The tenth Godzilla film is a difficult one for me to review. It's a kid's film in which a bullied young boy named Ichiro dreams himself on Monster Island, finding in Minilla (Godzilla's son) a kindred spirit who's also being bullied. It's maybe a helpful and even inspiring work for children in a similar position to Ichiro. But for anyone wanting an actual Godzilla movie, it's mostly footage we've seen before reused with some abysmal Minilla fights added.
What's interesting is that all the kaijū scenes are imagined, so we're never quite sure if the creatures actually exist outside of that realm. Is it really a Godzilla film? Or is it a film that just happens to feature Godzilla as a plot device? Either way, unless you're an Ichiro, it's a struggle to maintain interest, with the only saving grace being that it's a mere 69 minutes long.

1 squashed tail out of 5

GHOSTBUSTERS [2016]

Paul Feig's Ghostbusters reboot never stood a chance against the army of "It Raped My Childhood" pussies and it's a shame because it really isn't that bad.
It basically follows the exact same formula of the first two films: bumbling scientists get together in New York City to hunt ghosts, everyone thinks they're a hoax, seedy government folk try to bring them down, they visit the mayor as a hole opens up in the sky which leads to a supernatural mayhem montage and finishes off with a giant icon trudging through the city streets.
It's pretty obvious this won't make the same surprising cultural impact as the original film did but it's going to toss some pretty funny yuk-yuks and fantastic cast chemistry at you with the best it can.  It's stitched together with more finesse than the 1989 sequel but like that film, if you're a kid, it's going to be a pretty damned fun ride with plenty of wide-eyed moments for a new generation of rugrats.

3 pairs of cuckoo pants out of 5

FRANKENWEENIE [1984]

Before it was a stop-motion animated film in 2012, Tim Burton's Frankenweenie was a 30-minute black & white live-action short film that got him fired from Disney Studios for being too damned weird for their taste.
After his dog is killed by a car, Young Victor Frankenstein resurrects the poor mutt from the dead much to the dismay of the quiet suburban neighborhood's snooty residents.
It's a pleasant little "horror" film for the whole family with it's Ed Wood-ian like film-making and monster movie aesthetics tossed into a typical white picket fence suburb.  While still an inspired film-maker Burton makes the best with what little budget he had at the time, including some nifty dog POV shots that reminded me of an adorable Evil Dead salute.
It simply tickles the twisted funny bones and reminds one why they liked Burton's work in the first place.

4 jump-starts out of 5

HARVEY [1950]

You can't really go wrong with Jimmy Stewart and a 6-foot tall bunny.
The screen treatment of Mary Chase's comedic stageplay, Harvey, tells the story of an alcoholic who is the bane of his sister & niece's social life because his best buddy is a big ol' bunny that only he can see and hear.
At best it's 'gentle chuckle' funny but never gets outright outrageous nor does it really pack the wit it could have with the bizarre subject matter.  If anything, the film is classic only because of it's eccentric premise and not the actual final product.  Still, it's just harmlessly entertaining with enough meat to conjure a few conversations afterwards.  
As far as classic Stewart films go this one isn't an essential but fares better as light-hearted family fun.

3½ bunny names which should not be spoken out of 5

THE JUNGLE BOOK [1967]

Uncle Walt's final film, before his death, with Disney Animation Studios was the loose adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book.
It's the story about boy, raised by wolves in the Indian jungle, who must dangerously travel back to human civilization with help of a panther & bear, before a man-eating tiger makes a tasty meal out of him.
A great deal different from it's moody source material, Disney spruces it up with one of the most spirited, colorful and funniest films of the studio's output.  It might not be as emotionally heavy as, say, The Lion King or Bambi but it's wonderfully upbeat voice acting, irresistible songs and painfully underused xerographical animation make it very much a worthwhile experience.
When one thinks of timeless Disney classics, The Jungle Book rarely ever comes up but it's my personal favorite of the studio's animated offerings.

4 shiftless, two-bit jungle bums out of 5

THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT [2016]

The third (and last theatrical) film in the Divergent series, Allegiant, is the first part of the final book in the YA novel trilogy by Veronica Roth and coincidentally the final outing for director Robert Schwentke.
Get all that?  Do you care?  No?  Me neither.
Pretty young adults with expensive hair products fight against the heavy-handed government authority in dystop--...I smell catshit.
While the second film left off with some interesting character twists that would have made for some great conflicts, it's all quickly resolved in a matter of minutes and we're back to square one.  There's absolutely no character progression making the simple story all the more boring.  With the exception of few mildly exciting action sequences, the film is drawn-out, horribly paced and piled over on fancy camera-work over a large abundance of bad CGI.
The final film is in talks for a TV movie because of a poor box office performance but word-of-mouth is nobody cares anymore.

1 gas leak out of 5

GHOSTHEADS [2016]

Mega-Ghostbusters fan Brendan Mertens shows his love for the film franchise with the documentary fan-flick Ghostheads.
It mostly centers around a number of dedicated fans from all over the map who share their adoration for the films through cosplay, internet forums, conventions and various other forms of geek-love.  As an added bonus it interviews cast & crew from the movies and animated television show for whatever reason.  It could have heavily benefited by exclusively focusing on stories of it's fans and instead wastes a lot of time on the celebrities sharing their foggy memories of the films they made over 20 years ago.
As a whole, it's an aimless mess by never really knowing exactly where it's headed or what it wants to say besides the obvious but it's heart is in the right place and that's enough for this Ghosthead.

2½ ghostbusting ringtones out of 5

HUSH [2016]

Director Mike Flanagan reformats Wait Until Dark for the modern generation with the delightfully tightly woven home invasion thriller Hush.
Instead of a blind Audrey Hepburn, we have Flanagan's wife (and co-writer), Kate Siegel, playing a deaf woman using her handicap to fend off a crossbow wielding psychotic who's taking a fancy to hunting her from outside of her tiny woodland house.
With the main character being deaf it makes for an interesting watch due to minimal dialogue and a delicate nerve-shattering attention to sound design.  Another admiral element to the story is instead of trying to build tension with the whole "where's the killer?" trope, we're treated to an intensely intimate game of cat & mouse through the mind of an established author.  Flanagan's concise pacing and the duo performances keep the film going when it becomes to "slashery" and when it's not it's a deliciously vicious little gem.

3½ B I T C H-y cats out of 5

Amityville Dollhouse (1996)

Film number eight features a man and woman, each with kids from a previous relationship, who move their makeshift family into a newly built house—newly built, that is, upon the site of the old Amity house!
The evil emanates from a doll house that looks like 112 Ocean Avenue once did. It's a daft idea, but I could roll with it because even though it's another damn cursed item story, kind of, it's also an effigy and those I'm okay with.
The acting is reasonably competent. The effects are fun (living dead guy was great). The music is average. But the finale? What the fuck is that all about? It was peaking the bullshit meter, and probably took up half the budget.
I never owned a doll house. But I had a Castle Grayskull. Same difference.

1½ problems with gas out of 5

SHOWGIRLS [1995]

Director Paul Verhoeven's Showgirls is apparently a cynical satire of Las Vegas show business but instead it mostly comes off as a poorly executed glamorized sleaze-fest.
We follow Nomi, a pretty young drifter, who pulls into Vegas where she fights her way to the top of of the celebrated showgirls.
With a little more imagination if might have been a fascinating study but instead the dialogue, characters and acting, all of which are shitty, wraps itself around this tediously plotted sludge.  Verhoeven calls it another one of his satirical films (ie. Starship Troopers, Robocop) but the witty sarcasm is completely buried underneath it's weak attempt at being a trashy exploitation film.   In the end it seems as nobody working on the film was on the same page and it shows in all the worst ways.

1 smiling snatch out of 5

MIDNIGHT SPECIAL [2016]

Director Jeff Nichols attempts to channel some old school Spielberg with his wide-eyed sci-fi parable Midnight Special.
A boy with supernatural powers, with the help of his father, drives across the country to evade the government officials and a religious cult.
As it always is with Nichols' films, we have a fascinating watch that thrives on what we and the characters don't know.  Each reveal is slow and sometimes not always obvious, giving the viewer more to think about than what the simplicity of the core story has to offer.
Midnight Special is at it's best when it's quietly unique without even trying but at it's most ridiculous when it tries too hard to be more otherworldly than it really needs to be.
It's not Nichols' best film but as a fan of his previous works it's a real pleasure nevertheless.

3½ night-goggle joy-rides out of 5

Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

Influential flick about an Insurance investigator (H.B. Halicki) with a sideline in stealing fast cars in a fast time. With a deadline for forty-eight specific vehicles quickly approaching, the team and their lamb-chops have to go all out, which means taking risks that are otherwise best avoided.
The acting isn't great, but the venture is distinctive visually. At times it's partway between a regular film and documentary news footage; the latter heightened by the unusual camera placement, but also in part due to portions of the script being completely improvised. Often, dialogue and imagery that would normally be separate are paired up, and it works.
It ends with a lengthy car chase that in all probability was the reason the film got made. It's exciting for a while, but was too long for my liking.

3½ sunglasses on the dash out of 5

Slaughter High (1986)

If you're a heterosexual male in high school and Caroline Munro invites you to the girls locker room for sex, well, you're going to go. Science nerd Marty does just that, but things don't go down like he wants (i.e. him down on her).
Jump to years later, back to the same school for a reunion of assholes who subsequently get knocked-off one by one. The comedic tinge that helped the earlier years seem less stupid is gone, leaving a slasher B-Movie that's very B.
It's absolute garbage, but some of the kills are superb. Therefore, if what amounts to about ten minutes of gruesome deaths in a ninety minute film is your sole criteria for enjoyment of something like this then you'll be sated.

1½ warning bells out of 5

WATERSHIP DOWN [1978]

It's a hard-knock life for bunnies in Martin Rosen's animated adaptation of Richard Adams' classic novel, Watership Down.
After the inevitable destruction of their warren by the hands of man, a group of rabbits flee in search of a new home where they faces the many dangers of the world around them.
Beautifully animated with a mature sense of realism and harsh violence makes it a little questionable as proper viewing for the kidlets but undeniably wonderful storytelling for the older crowd.  It tells of heroism, survival and finding hope & primal danger in the strangest of places.  The way the film deals with violence & death is honest and unforgiving but that's what where it packs it's necessary punches.  Fans of the novel might find some blatant problems with changes Rosen made to the narrative but for the film they all make sense.

4 Black Bunnies of Death out of 5

SING STREET [2016]

Director John Carney's bittersweet musical-comedy, Sing Street, is the type of absolute delight that leaves a happy lump in your throat.
Influenced by his older brother, a young Irish boy, growing up on hard times in the '80's, starts a band to catch the attention of a girl he likes.
Packed with undeniable charm, great music and grounded humor, the film still manages to tackle a harsh realism that is always present but never weighs in heavy enough to get too gloomy.  It's the type of coming-of-age story tha speaks a different language to everyone all based upon your experience.
It ain't reinventing the wheel by any means but it's so irresistibly funny and heart-warming you'd have to have a heart of stone to not enjoy it.

4 bunnies shitting the bed out of 5

THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR [2016]

Director James DeMonaco's final film in The Purge trilogy, Election Year, is frighteningly too similar to the current events going on in the world today.

On the brink of a major U.S. election, the night of The Purge means big trouble for a senator who means to put an end to the event should she be elected president.
The first two films had the potential to explore the idea with plenty of satire, metaphors and social deconstructions but never really did.  So now it seems DeMonaco has gone all out and ignores subtly with his heavy-handed critique on American violence, gun control, racism and economic inequalities.  Sure it explores some heavy themes but the exploitive b-movie violence and mayhem is still fully intact making for a twisted joyride.  Based upon the glamorization of violence, I'm not entirely clear where the film stands but one can't deny it's pulpy glee that spews forth with unapologetic pleasure.

3 Parties in the U.S.A. out of 5

Legendary Amazons (2011)

Amazons surprised me in a really, really good way. It's a retelling of the Yang Family story that I expected to be as bland and formulaic as most of the other "epic" movies about kingdoms at war that China makes these days, the ones that play it safe by recreating boring Peter Jackson-esque battle scenes over and over. What I got was partly that, but also a wonderfully rich throwback to an era of Asian action cinema that I absolutely LOVE: the martial arts action of the early 1990s. It's a compromise, there's still some weak-as-shit CGI and dodgy green screen moments, but the fantastical is there, the beautiful costumes, the amazing wire work, the sense of fun, the fake horses and even the insane editing style of those halcyon years!

4 citizens of Song out of 5

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE [1959]

Vampire zombies.  Flying saucers on strings.  Wobbly gravestones.  A single scene turns from night to day 9 times.  An actor is clearly replaced by someone else.  It can only be Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space.
An alien race, who tried to conquer Earth eight times before, decide to resurrect only 3 corpses to take over the world and make it a better place.
It's been called "the worst movie ever made" and with good reason.  It's one of those films where I'm thinking "good it's almost over" only to find I just reached the half-way mark...and it's only 78 minutes long!  However, part of it's charm is where director Ed Wood genuinely believed he was making a good film and not purposely shoveling shit at the viewer to sell their own stupidity back to them (I'm looking at you Sharknado).  If you're going to watch really bad films for the laughs, then go for the real deal because Plan 9 is a gold-mine of cinematic crap.

1 alien grave robber out of 5

Iron Maiden: Visions of the Beast (2003)

A two-disc set featuring every promo video that the band made up to and including footage from the Rock in Rio (2002) DVD. What that amounts to is two and a half hours of Maiden; not too shabby.
The audio on the videos is fine, but make sure and place your action-thumb on the volume control when the disc flicks back to the menu because for some reason the audio there is cranked to deafening proportions!
Both discs have a few Easter eggs that really aren’t worth the hassle needed to access them, even if the method for doing so is inventive.

5 skips through the Blaze years out of 5

THE LION KING [1994]

Disney's take on William Shakespeare's Hamlet comes in the form of singing jungle animals in the beautifully animated The Lion King.
It's about a young lion cub who must reclaim his throne as the King, after his father is murdered by his manipulative uncle and a pack of ravaging hyenas.
Dig a little deeper and you find a tale of love, hope and the search for one's identity.  The expressively lush animation shines bright and keeps one's eyes glued to the screen from beginning to end.  Most of the voicework is pretty dull, with the exception of Jeremy Irons and Nathan Lane who both steal each scene they're in.  While the songs might be a bit much here and there, they're not overly offensive.  I couldn't help but pick apart Disney's idea of social hierarchy and how it treats brawn over brains, rich over poor and how we should just accept what we're born into.
Still, as an piece of animation, I couldn't help but be in awe of the dedication put into crafting it into what it is.

4 circles of life out of 5

13 HOURS: THE SECRET SOLDIERS OF BENGHAZI [2016]

Director Michael Bay makes an attempt to step into more mature movie-making with the explosive biographical war film 13 Hours.
It follows 6 members of a rough security team, stationed in Libya, that struggles to defend the U.S. compound from a violent terrorist attack.
The action is what is the star here and it delivers with some frighteningly intense warfare sequences where Bay's trademark chaotic film-making actually is used to great effect.  However, as one character says himself in the film, it's the downtime where the mind starts to wander and it couldn't be more true.  The acting is fine but it's boring characters leave much to be desired.  Sadly, the film is afraid to make mention of the political wrong-doings the U.S. made in this situation but maybe Bay just wanted to focus on the horrors of the direct situation.
Funny how Bay finally makes a film that isn't actually all that terrible and no one went to go see it.  Irony is a hilarious bitch.

3 interrupted dinners out of 5

The Crazies (2010)

Would The Crazies (1973) have got a remake if it hadn't been a George Romero film? It's unlikely. But here we are, and the result isn't too bad.
The combine harvester scene made me think, 'Yes, this could actually be good!' It was soon followed by a lame jump scare and I began to doubt my earlier assumption. But I stayed because I was curious to see what changes would be made to the story. There were many and a lot of them were even beneficial. Good job. Unfortunately, the script doesn't know when to stop trying to be bigger and better than its source, and by the end reaches levels of stupid that ensure I'll not give it a second viewing.
It earns praise for not being a simple rehash - it's modernised both in how it's shot and in how the response team deal with the situation.

3 well-forked ladies out of 5

SISTERS [2015]

Pitch Perfect director Jason Moore's Sisters reunites SNL vets Tina Fey & Amy Poehler with much greater success than their previous big screen effort, Baby Mama.
Two 40-something sisters decide to throw a raging house party before their parents sell their cherished childhood home.
It's a humorous twist to have "mature" adults instead of the usual frat-pack partake in this sort of debauchery, even if does occasionally it does forget that's part of the joke and comes off as just plain sad.  There's plenty of great laugh out loud moments amidst the alcohol & drug-infused chaos but it grows a little thin at it's overly long 2 hour running time.  Thankfully, the chemistry of it's two leads and funny supporting cast make the trip seem a little shorter.
Like the drunken characters, you'll come out of it knowing you had fun but don't remember much.

2½ queefs on a yoga ball out of 5

THE NEON DEMON [2016]

Director Nicolas Winding Refn's deeply disturbing psychological horror film, The Neon Demon, goes out of it's way to polarize audience's feelings.
A young aspiring model moves to Los Angeles to pursue her career, where she meets a horde of people in the industry that, like a Hellhole, would like to swallow her whole.
On the outside it seems like a hypnotically scathing look at the fashion business but dig a little deeper and you'll find in it's an immensely distressing love letter to beautiful disgust.  Elle Fanning cements herself as an acting force to be reckoned with for years to come as the supporting cast all do a wonderful job at making the best of their parts as well.  As a lover of off-beat horror films, this one doesn't disappoint with it's stunning visuals, Cliff Martinez's pulsating score and plenty of frightening moments that will be impossible to scrub from the traumatized mind.

4 cougars out of 5

Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)

Tradition dictates that at age thirteen a young witch should leave her home in order to continue her training elsewhere. For Kiki it's an adventure that ends up being equal parts hard work; but she's headstrong when necessary, and with the help of her friend Jiji (a cat) she strives to make her mark.
Through delicate pacing it teaches us that each person has a purpose, even if they aren't aware of it or don't consider what they do to be anything special. If you dare to rise to a challenge, do your best for yourself and for others, then the rewards can more than equal the effort put in.
It's not action-packed and doesn't need a dramatic setting to be appreciated (you can watch it on a sunny day), but it's refreshingly sincere, and the attention to detail in the environments is noteworthy, making the houses feel lived-in, which gives them a beauty all of their own.
There's a scene during the credits, so don't turn off too soon.

4 uplifting winds out of 5

HIGH-RISE [2015]

To date director Ben Wheatley hasn't made a film that is easily digestible for the average viewer and he's not about to start with his adaptation of novelist J.G. Ballard's satirical pre-Thatcher warning High-Rise.
Set in the 70's, a doctor moves into a chic Mega City-esque apartment building (looking as if it were frozen on the brink of collapse) built to provide it's residents with everything they need in order to never leave, which eventually leads to a clash of the classes.
A not-so subtle paranoid dissection of human stratification, High-Rise is wickedly funny, darkly surreal and generates the same sort of intimate coldness David Cronenberg mastered.  There's some pacing issues and it isn't quite as fascinating as it wants to be but Tom Hiddleston's performance and Wheatley's eye for stark beauty is more than enough to keep your eyes glued to the screen.

3 unhappy bunnies bouncing about out of 5

HOWARD THE DUCK [1986]

The big-screen adaptation of Marvel's Howard The Duck was Willard Huyck's last directing credit to date and with good reason: it's as bad as everyone says it is.
It tells the same old story of an alien duck who's dragged kicking and screaming from his home-world and into ours where he learns of our planet's good and bad attributes.
With a better script it might have been a hokey but hilarious study of our people but instead it attempts to make us laugh with horrible one-liners and very little substance.  With it's mildly adult jokes (and duck tits) it's clearly not for children but the film is so inane it can't possibly be for anybody older than 12 either.  Executive producer George Lucas said it'll probably be more appreciated in the future but this is coming from the guy who brought us Red Tails, Strange Magic and the midichlorians.

1 Cajun Sushi joint out of 5

Godzilla × Mothra × Mechagodzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003)

aka Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

Having been licking wounds for a whole year, Godzilla returns to finish the job. It's time to reset the counter... [00] Days Since Last Kaijū Attack.*
It's a grudge match. No one is safe. Measures must be taken. The military are warned against using their biggest gun, reminded of their previous folly, but when have men of war ever not wanted to fire a weapon they own? You might as well ask Godzilla to respectfully go around a building when the most direct route is obviously to go right through it!
The plot is more simplistic than the previous film, leaving more time for action, something that it readily plays up to. When fights are as spectacular as what's on display it's not ignominious to favour them. (In combat, nothing pleases me more than seeing Mothra.) As such, I'm scoring it by adjusted criteria.

*GxMxM is a sequel to GxM (2002). It’s the 27th film in the series and the 4th in the Millennium era. Interestingly, it also references the first Mothra film (1961).

4 big heart beats out of 5

GREEN ROOM [2015]

Director Jeremy Saulnier, once again, forces nerve-shredding audiences to the edge of their seat with the intensely violent thriller Green Room.
Desperate for money, a touring punk band take their chances playing a deepwoods Oregon show to a club of white supremacists leading them into a night of extreme bloodshed.
Like he did with Blue Ruin, Saulnier crafts a style of violence that is so swift, brutal and realistic it never needs to linger on it to leave an unsettling lasting effect.  Each performance is beautifully understated but it's Patrick Stewart's big bad that shines, as he never sacrifices his civility for clichéd boorishness.  Instead he uses his courteous mannerisms to evoke more fear into the already uneasy viewer.  It's just as delightfully nasty and blackly humorous as his previous works but Saulnier doesn't quite keep the tension quite as tightly wound throughout as he did before.  Still, this is a great thriller that leaves a lasting impression with nervous disturbed laughter.

3½ red laces out of 5

FARGO [1996]

The Coen Brothers cleverly collect elements of everything they're known for and make, what I think is, their best film to date with Fargo.
A nervous weasel of a car salesman has his wife kidnapped in order to collect the ransom but things spiral out of control as each piece hopelessly falls into the wrong place.
Fargo is as familiar as it is foreign with it's oddball dialect, spurts of gruesome violence and beautifully photographed shots of next to nothing.  It explores human interest with a keen sense of comfort and disgust but never once repels the viewer with it's brightly lit noirish tale of lies, deceit, murder and absurdly dizzying politeness.  It's the furthest thing from a hip film but that's what makes it what it is.
If anything, it's the nerdier cousin of No Country For Old Men.

5 son-of-a-Gundersons out of 5

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR [2016]

The MCU kicks off Phase 3 with The Russo Brothers' Captain America: Civil War, which is basically the third (and best) Avengers movie yet.
Heavily inspired by Mark Millar's mini-series, the final part of the Cappy America/Bucky Barnes trilogy sees The Avengers' comradery turn sour when the United Nations wants complete control of the team of superheroes.
Kudos to the Russos for managing to keep the film a wild romp of a superhero smackdown but never sacrificing thoughtful subtext or a healthy helping of interesting character arcs.  It's also impressive at how well they manage to juggle such a large ensemble and never once leaving us feel as if we didn't get enough of one character and not the other.  A perfect example of how you can have your costumed characters duke it out something fierce, without getting ridiculously dark, while still keeping it smart and exciting.

4 Bluth stair-cars out of 5

NEIGHBORS 2: SORORITY RISING [2016]

Director Nicholas Stoller and the rest of the cast & crew of 2014's Neighbors return for another frat-pack smackdown in Sorority Rising.
This time, instead of a dope-headed fraternity, Seth Rogen & Rose Byrne are going head-to-head with a more menacing sorority with the help of a bitter Zac Efron as their prank-master mentor.
With the first film not being very good at all, I was a bit surprised to find this one a bit more enjoyable and packed with more frat-boy belly laughs.  It smartens up a bit with some tired social issues that don't weigh down the laughs but instead make for some of the funnier moments in the film.
It's still a huge waste of time but nevertheless a humorous waste of time.

2½ princess dildos out of 5

Amityville: A New Generation (1993)

Film number seven contains possessed artefact number three: a mirror.
Keyes Terry (Ross Partridge), one of a group of arty-farty types, acquires the hideous item and takes it home to his large studio apartment. When someone looks into it they become influenced by its predictably predictable evil.
Keyes' investigation does eventually uncover a story that's Amityville in nature, but even though he and a couple of his fellow artists are given an actual backstory of their own they still manage to come across as two-dimensional and the horror they're plunged into is bland.

1 paranoid delusory murderer type out of 5

Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)

They thought it was an earthquake. It was no earthquake.
Godzilla's back. And so too are a trio of popular kaijū, who together may just be able stop the bully before it wrecks everybody's shit... again.
Being freed from continuity means GMK can add what it wants to the mythos, as long as it doesn't contradict the original 1954 film. One such addition is an odd spiritual side that will have some fans screaming heresy. Personally, I felt it could've been better balanced but I was okay with it existing.
The creatures got a makeover. Baragon looks ace. Mothra is somewhat wasp-like (but still awesome). Ghidorah's facial features and size were modified. So too were Godzilla's; I didn't like Godzilla's very much, the beer-belly was the wrong kind of silly. Regardless of personal feelings (why no Shobijin or song?!), it's an excellent film in its own way. It even makes Ghidorah cool.

It’s the 25th film in the series and the 3rd in the Millennium era (i.e. standalone, alternative sequels to the 1954 original).

4 leading examples out of 5

The Ambulance (1990)

A woman (Janine Turner) is lifted into the back of an ambulance from a busy New York street in broad daylight, but she never arrives at the hospital. Comic book artist Josh's (Eric Roberts) day job doesn't give him the skills needed to figure out why, but he investigates, nevertheless.
It would be an average thriller if not for the sarcastic wit of almost everyone involved. It gives it a special quality. For that reason, when the script goes directly from sinister to blackly comedic it never feels out of place. You expect laughs from Red Buttons, but James Earl Jones does it equally as well.
It's strange that Megan Gallagher isn't featured on the cover, because she plays a larger role than some of the people who are and she plays it faultlessly. Ultimately, it's a well-cast movie and an enjoyable watch.

3 white coats out of 5

JENNIFER'S BODY [2009]

Director Karyn Kusama's black comedy, Jennifer's Body, is notorious for being a critically panned box-office flop.
On it's surface, it's about a flesh-eating cheerleader, while below it explores female empowerment, fragile friendships, the phoniness of society after tragedy and the dissection of the high school pyramid.
Even with all it's attitude and clever digs, the film is never scary or funny enough to make it worthy of everything it seems to think it is.  The conflict between the two friends would have been wonderful but in the end the dire situation is unearned and comes off as silly and ho-hummish.  The director's cut smooths out some of the bumps in the theatrical version but never enough to make it worthy of a glowing recommendation.

2 huge tragedy boners out of 5

KEANU [2016]

TV sketch comedy duo Key & Peele (and their frequent director, Peter Atencio) take their evident love for movies and make one of their own.

Keanu follows two middle-class suburban fellas that clumsily pose as dangerous drug dealers in order to retrieve their stolen kitten.
K&P take the one-joke fish-out-of-water set-up and nearly make it work for the entirety of the film.  It loses some steam in several spots, mostly when the plot starts veering off course but thanks to the two lead's chemistry and charisma it never grows too stale.  The influences are worn on the film's sleeve, while there are some well-placed in-jokes that only the most hardened fans of film & TV will pick up (Cheddar? Brilliant).
To top it all off, this is probably one of the most adorable kittens to ever grace the screen.

3 fluffy pink bunny head's that'll stab you in the eye out of 5

Godzilla 2000: Millennium (1999)

The military want to kill the kaijū with their new weapons. Meanwhile, a father and daughter team study Godzilla as it heavy-foots through the city. Not just from afar, they're like storm chasers getting up close and personal.
Firstly, most of the relationships are underdeveloped. It's a definite weakness, but the upside is they're not forced into predicable shapes, and the methods used to strengthen them don't descend into boring clichés.
Secondly, while the idea behind the creature that Godzilla is destined to fight is interesting, the actual result is arse. They tried something different but sadly it didn't work out. Consequently, the finale isn't very exciting.
The FX composites aren't good. But the suit! Wow! Godzilla's maw looks like it could rip chunks from a tank. The creature's size in relation to the environment is perfect. And the dorsal plates? Ridiculously huge - I love it!

It’s the 23rd film in the series and the 1st in the Millennium era (i.e. standalone, alternative sequels to the 1954 original).

3 dangerous desires out of 5

PARENTS [1989]

Actor Bob Balaban made his theatrical directorial debut with the off-beat horror-comedy Parents.
Set in a 1950's suburban neighborhood, a social misfit of a young boy suspects his oddball parents are serving him human flesh at the dinner table.
Produced in a time when America was just discovering that even it's suburban neighborhoods hold terrible secrets, Parents had the potential to become a cult-classic like Blue Velvet, Flesh-Eating Mothers or The 'Burbs.  Instead it never seems to find a comfortable balance of horror, comedy or intelligent satire and instead tries to be too weird for it's own good and when it's not weird, it's just plain boring.  If not for it's pitch-perfect cast and flawed but inviting set-up the film would not have been as mildly enjoyable as it was.

2½ questionable leftovers out of 5

THE WITCH [2015]

aka

The VVitch: A New England Folktale

Robert Eggers makes his feature-length directorial debut with the deeply disturbing and thoughtfully hypnotizing atmospheric horror film The VVitch.
Set in the early 1600's, it tells the tale of a New England family, who are banished from their Puritan settlement, only to settle deep in the woods where it appears some sort of evil is at work.
The film floods the viewer with a intense feeling of claustrophobia and dread by shooting the stark landscape in a 1.66:1 aspect ratio, using only natural lighting and a immensely creepy score from composer Mark Korven.  Studying the effects of blind religious hysteria, fear of the unknown and coming of age makes for a simple & quiet but very effective film that leaves a lasting effect.

4 creepy stalking bunnies out of 5

Amityville: It's About Time (1992)

aka Amityville 1992: It's About Time

The cover of Part VI implies that we're back in the original house - it's a LIE. Remember the cursed lamp? It's another of those kind of stories, except it's a clock not a lamp. But it's not as bad as Part IV was. In fact, even though the tone is more like a poor man's Poltergeist than an Amityville, I'm going to say it's the best sequel yet, although it takes ages to get to that state.
It lacks finesse ('cos Tony Randel), but the microwave scene in the kitchen, the one in front of the mirror, and, most ludicrous of all, the hilarious van moment are all memorable, and each for a different reason.
There are some glaring continuity errors. And considering how often it appeared onscreen the boom mic should've got its own credit.

2 hands of doom out of 5

The Thing from Another World (1951)

There's something fishy buried at the North Pole; something not of this world. A small group of scientists and US Air Force men inadvertently unleash it!
Unlike the remake, the original TTfAW is a sci-fi that keeps its horror mostly hidden, for both financial and creative reasons (it looked stupid up close). As such, it's very talky. While some of the dialogue is good, I find it difficult to accept the men as anything more than written stock types; the women even less so. Still, I acknowledge that by 1950's standards it's better than average.
It's credited to Christian Nyby (Dir), but may or may not have been directed by Hawks; I believe at least a part of it was.
When it comes to FX it's more clear cut: it has one absolutely amazing scene that's different but equal in power to what Carpenter later did.

3 cold meets out of 5

PS. A colourised version exists, if you like that kind of 'thing'. I don't, so I've not watched it.