Candyman: Day of the Dead (1999)

A straight-to-video third outing for the supernatural Bee Wrangler that relies on the existing appeal of the character while simultaneously contradicting his origins. It'd be logical to assume that it's showing how stories can change over time, but there are reasons why that's evidently not the case.
Candyman wants a family reunion and he's killing anyone who stands in the way of his incestuous needs. Part of the foundation of the character's mythos—that he must be invoked or invited by his victim—is thrown out the window.
The female lead looks to have been pinched from a Baywatch casting couch without having been given lessons on how to scream believably.

1 busy bee out of 5

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

An unnecessary sequel to a film that had taken its plot as far as it could naturally go. The justification for its existence from a storytelling perspective seems to be that it offers an explanation for the use of a mirror in the summoning of Candyman and sheds illumination on his name.

The pompous prick from the first film returns. He's published a book on the subject and the events that occurred after Helen's digging. By doing so he not only keeps the Candyman myth alive but makes it more widespread.

Unfortunately, it commits one of the worst sins that a horror film can ever commit: it’s boring. Even the reused score cues fail to give some crucial scenes the special kind of aura they need to work.

2 witnesses out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN [2004]

Director Alfonso Cuarón gets darker and weirder for the third Harry Potter film, The Prisoner of Azkaban.
It's back to Hogwart's and that means trouble is brewing, as Harry discovers a prisoner has escaped from the wizard's prison and means to put an end to the boy wizard.  The film is significantly darker and actually scarier than Chris Columbus' previous films, as it dives deeper into the heavy emotions that are beginning to weigh Harry down more and more as he grows older and more powerful.  The core characters are becoming more complex as is the storytelling, which finally begins to spiral into something more fleshed out and interesting than it ever was.   Cuarón brings a visual flair to the series which gives it a unique character all it's own, without straying too far from the tones that have already been established.  This is definitely the Potter film that finally proves the series deserves all the praise it's received.

4 snarky shrunken heads out of 5

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

A lesser-known, underappreciated vampire film from Hammer Studios. It was Dir. Brian Clemens' only feature, sadly. His inventive positioning and unique style don't quite fit the established template, but nor does the swashbuckling plot, so they complement each other. The vampire lore is different, too. The fanged fiends drain youth from their victims, not blood.
The Captain (Horst Janson) rides into and out of the story with his trusty aide, Professor Hieronymus Grost (John Cater), a man who's as important to the experience as the hero himself.
Some folks consider Kronos a part of the Karnstein series for reasons I won’t go into. I don't have strong feelings about whether it is or isn't, but if it can reach an audience by piggybacking on their success then I'm all for it.

4 whispering years out of 5

CREEP [2014]

Patrick Brice makes his feature-length directorial debut with the quirky found footage thriller, Creep.
Mark Duplass plays a terminally ill oddball that enlists the help of a videographer (Brice) to document a day in his life for his unborn son to see when he's gone.  Based on his successful mumblecore background, I don't know why Duplass has never done a found footage film before because he's a natural fit for it.  His performance is delightfully creepy as he hits all the right notes to keep you constantly uneasy but not quite sure why because he seems like such a enthusiastic loveable chatterbox on the outside.  It features some genuinely intense scares but also manages to slip in plenty of natural humor with a touch of nervous laughter.  It's not a particularly innovative film but with just enough wit, unpredictability and Duplass' superb presence it leaves a lasting impression.

4 tubby times out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS [2002]

Summer's over and it's back for a second year at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft & Wizardy in director Chris Columbus' second film in the colossally popular Harry Potter series, The Chamber of Secrets.
The series gets slightly more darker as Harry gets older and this is just the beginning as the boy wizard & friends are prey to a series of bizarre attacks that leaves it victims petrified.  Once again the set design, music and faith to it's source material are all top-notch,  However, as a whole, the film seems to just be a continuation of the an introduction to the world and hardly does anything to develop the tale of where the series eventually goes.  It's entertaining enough and if you loved the first one then this one will suffice.

3 unbearably annoying Jar-Jar/Gollum hybrids out of 5

WHILE WE'RE YOUNG [2014]

Director Noah Baumbach channels his midlife crisis into the light-hearted drama While We're Young.
Ben Stiller & Naomi Watts play a middle-aged technology savvy couple who strike up a friendship with a younger hipster couple (Adam Driver & Amanda Seyfried) who use typewriters, love VHS and have no idea how to navigate Facebook.  Baumbach loves his observant witty dialogue and he's really at some of his best here, with it's dry humour, scathing remarks at the different ages and all around charming realism.  While it nestles itself comfortably in mild comedy, occasionally the events get a tad silly and out of place but never enough to really break character.  When it all comes down to it, this is Noah Baumbach's Neighbors and basically his cinematic way of telling off all you damned kids.

3½ Beastie Boys out of 5

Krull (1983)

Imagine Lord of the Rings mixed with a certain space opera sci-fi trilogy that I've no wish to namecheck, plonk both into a fairytale world with existing fairytale rules and you have Krull. That’s not just an easy way for me to save words – it’s exactly what the film is.
The locations are beautiful and the sets, although obviously on a sound stage, are inventive and exciting. The hero’s deadly starfish (okay, Glaive) features prominently on the cover but is hardly used. Nevertheless, it’s still one of the most memorable aspects of the whole affair.
The thing I’ll remember most fondly, however, is how supporting actor Bernard Bresslaw and the FX team managed to imbue the blinking of a single fake eye with so much nobility and pathos.

3 pocket rocks out of 5

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

It's easy to see why Final Wars split fan opinion so much. Kitamura made a kaijū film that's packed with outside influences, and even though it references much of the series history it's not always complementary to the tone.
It's a sci-fi adventure set on Earth, with at least a dozen creatures pulled from retirement for an all out monster brawl that's pure insanity. Just when you think it can't possibly have any more deus ex machinas in its arsenal it pulls another one from somewhere, bundled with stupid-fun and a pre-made 'Why the hell not?' coupon for the viewer to immediately redeem.
It's a two-hour film, but the pace rarely slows down because it sacrifices character development to keep the excitement thundering along.

It's the 28th film in the series overall and the 6th and final entry in the Millennium era (i.e. standalone, alternative sequels to the 1954 original).

3½ giant wake up calls out of 5

INSIDE OUT [2015]

Disney/Pixar collaborations have always been good at making great films for both children & adults but never have they ever been as successful as they are with directors Pete Docter & Ronaldo Del Carmen's Inside Out.
It's set inside the mind of a young maturing girl where her leading emotions are personified into five colorful characters who work overtime to ease her into living in a new city.  The film works as a vibrantly enthusiastic children's film, filled with all sorts of wacky hijinks and instantly likeable characters that are sure to sell all sorts of plushies.  As for the adults, it's a brilliantly imaginative and deeply emotional study of the brain and how it all works, as it travels through the motions, thoughts, feelings, memories and just about anything you can hide up there.  As complicated as it is, it balances out the story to never feel like it's talking down to the children or dumbing it down for the adults and to say the least, how they went about it left me completely dumbfounded.  This instant classic had me laughing, crying and feeling everything in between.  

5 pizza delivery bears out of 5

TERMINATOR SALVATION [2009]

Director McG does the impossible and finds a way to make a worse film than Rise of the Machines with the fourth instalment of the sci-fi/action franchise, Terminator Salvation.
Separating itself from the previous films, it's set in a dystopian future where the human race is smack in the middle of a losing war with the Skynet intelligence systems.  This is pretty much Christian Bale's vanity project and I'm not sure why because he's embarrassingly terrible as an adult John Connor.  Overweight heroin-addicted Eddie Furlong would have been more preferable.  The film lacks any sort of heart and therefore leaves not a whole lot to be thrilled about come the "danger".  With a slew of robotic creatures that seem like they were pulled out of Bayformers, McG's attempt at the franchise feels more like a big budget YouTube fan-made flick than a proper sequel to James Cameron's far more superior films.

1 callback to G N' R out of 5

MANGLEHORN [2014]

Director David Gordon Green does with Al Pacino what he did with Nicolas Cage in Joe and redeems the actor, who hasn't had a decent film in well over a decade, with a nice poignant character piece to work with.
Manglehorn tells the story of a socially inept man who's never recovered from the death of his wife and prefers the company of his seriously unhealthy cat.  DGG does a wonderful job at capturing the little moments in life and Pacino does an equally superb job making them all the more believable with one of the most restrained performances of his career.  The character grows and twists into a different creature than where the film began but it's never predictable and occasionally his lewd behaviour is both shocking and frustrating.  With all sorts of bizarre occurrences going on in the background it never distracts from the beautifully pieced together frame of sublime emotional arcs unfolding before us.  There's a few nit-picky moments and Holly Hunter's character is criminally underused but when all is said and done, it's an enjoyable film that does nothing to offend.

3 inconvenient beehives out of 5

Scooby-Doo Meets Batman (2002)

Oh, dear. The Bat barrel has a bottom and it has been Scooby scraped.
It's a pair of The New Scooby-Doo Movies released on one disc, both featuring the Caped Crusader. Admittedly, they have something in common, both parties solve crimes in their own respective titles, but it's still an odd pairing.
Batman enlists the help of the Scooby gang in apprehending The Joker and Penguin because he's too incompetent to do it himself. While the dog and his human get up to their usual antics on the ground, Batman's bum-crack chin and disappearing pants flaff around in the Batplane with his Boy Wonder.

1 cat bookie bat cookie out of 5

Pumping Iron (1977)

A doc’s success is undeniable when it holds the attention of a viewer who ordinarily has zero interest in the topic onto which it turns its lens. Such it is with me and body building, but the spotlight cast on the lifestyle by film-makers George Butler and Robert Fiore made fascinating viewing.
The egos, arrogance and rivalries are there but they're balanced by a huge amount of competitor encouragement and friendly advice. How much of it was chosen for that specific purpose is unknown, but it's there, nonetheless.
What comes through the most is that an unshakeable belief in yourself is just as important to success as hours spent gurning at the gym.
Arnie is both surprising and disgusting as a master manipulator, psyching his opponents out with a smile and faux friendship. He also does something remarkable with a hot water bottle.

3½ posedowns out of 5

Split Second (1992)

London has succumbed to the effects of global warming. When the Thames rose the vermin migrated deeper into the city. Accompanying the rats was a serial killer, or so the police believe. One man knows the truth: the perp is over eight feet tall and has fingers that can kill in a split second.
Rutger Hauer plays a tightly-wound homicide detective who likes coffee with his sugar. He's a man on the edge with a score to settle, giving him a hard-on for the murderous creature. His partner (Alastair Duncan) is his opposite in almost every way. Once the clichéd buddy cop pairing is established the film has fun with the relationships; it's primarily what stops it from being drowned in cheapo Predator 2 (1990) levels of sci-fi darkness.

3 hearts ripped out of 5

The HAMMER Dracula Collection

I really ought to have titled this 'The HAMMER Vampire Collection' because, technically, while I consider them a part of the franchise, two of the films included (numbers 02 and 03) don't feature the Count, but I wanted very much to use the above picture and font, so logic be damned.

01. Dracula (1958)
02. Brides of Dracula (1960)
03.The Kiss of the Vampire (1963)
04. Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966)
05. Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968)
06. Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)
07. Scars of Dracula (1970)
08. Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
09. The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)
10. The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3 [2015]

Leigh Whannell, writer of the first two Insidious films, takes the director's chair for Chapter 3, seeing as James Wan had something faster & furiouser going on.
Serving as a prequel, we're introduced to a new family who contact Lin Shaye's psychic character to rid of the scary ass nasties violently haunting their apartment.  Basically it's the same old song & dance of very effective yet predictable jump scares and creepy shadows that move closer and closer but this time it's given some empathetic heart to make it easier to relate to the story.  Whannell inserts enough humor to give the series a bit of fresh air but that's also a sign of the final nail in the coffin.  It's way more focused than the horribly misguided second film but it doesn't pack the same surprise as the first.  In other words, this is probably the best time to call it a day while it's still somewhat welcome.

2½ "knock-knocks...no one's there" out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE [2001]

aka
Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone

Director Chris Columbus faithfully adapts the first novel of J.K. Rowlings' popular children's fantasy series, Harry Potter & The Philosopher's Stone.
Pint-sized pip-pip Harry Potter, after living with years of abuse from his aunt and uncle, is whisked away on his 11th birthday to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, where he discovers he's far more important than he was priorly led to believe.  Blessed with beautiful visuals, gorgeous set designs and an astounding imagination, the film's biggest flaw is being so faithful to the book it sometimes hits some severe lulls in it's 2½ hour running time.  Fortunately it has an impressive cast that flaunts the instantly likeable chemistry of it's core child cast and it's who's who of adult actors that enjoy their tea & scones. Not a whole lot happens, apart from some beautifully fleshed-out stand alone scenes but that's fine seeing as it's merely setting up the characters and world for the adventures that lied ahead.  

3½  earwax flavored jelly beans out of 5

POET ANDERSON: THE DREAM WALKER [2014]

Part of figurative space cadet Tom Delonge's Angels & Airwaves' multimedia project, The Dream Walker, the beautifully animated short, Poet Anderson, places the musician into the director's chair.
A young man discovers a world within his dreams, that leaks out huge nasty creatures called Night Terrors into his reality through lucid dreaming.  It's got the look of the colorfully enthusiastic Aoki Densetsu Shoot! placed in the dark worlds of Akira and Blade Runner which might not be all that original but is still appealing to the eyes.  It's action-packed but so much that it's fast pace never allows for the heart to get attached to anything.  One wishes just a few more minutes would be tagged onto it's 15-minute running time to allow for the viewer to familiarize themselves with one world before they're violently hurled in and out of the next one.  Tied together with an album, a graphic novel, a comic book mini-series and forth-coming feature length film makes me believe this might just be a well-produced test run that will lead into something far more bigger and fleshed-out.

3 Square and Compasses out of 5

Barbershop 2: Back in Business (2004)

We're back at Calvin’s with its collection of misfits and regulars getting haircuts when some of them have no visible hair to cut. There’s a ladies salon next door to provide a contrast and better highlight how unique and important the shop environment is. That’s in place because an upmarket barbershop is taking up residence across the street, threatening Calvin’s livelihood.
I enjoyed the flashbacks to Calvin Senior's era. But other than repeating what was established in the first film there's really only a clichéd struggle against a competitor, the big-business soulless machine, to carry the present story forward. The out of work hours segments should've deepened the characters. Instead, it felt like filler for more than half of them. It's not a bad film, I liked it, but it lacked the weight of conscience that bolstered the first one.

2½ free chairs out of 5

Barbershop (2002)

With the shop being a microcosmic meeting point for staff and customers, each with their own troubles, I was reminded of Desmond's (1989-94) more than once, but that's okay because I liked Desmond's.
When it opts for full comedy it uses stereotypes and goes nowhere interesting, and the reliance on an obligatory white guy to spark black concerns is old-hat. When it sticks to subtle comedy within the larger drama it fares better. The quick fire dialogue is stronger and the heart beats louder.
When your workplace grinds you down and you need reminded of what really matters in life, then you could do worse than a Barbershop visit.

3 shortcuts out of 5

NAKED LUNCH [1991]

Director David Cronenberg gets really feckin' weird with Naked Lunch, a hallucinatory erotic comedy(?) inspired by the life & works of post-modern author William S. Burroughs.
Peter Weller is perfect as a man trying to get his life together, only everything that surrounds him will have none of it thus sending him drifting in and out of a drug-induced Kafka-esque miasma that is simultaneously hilarious, wondrous, terrifying and most of all: really really creepy.  Fans expecting an adaptation of the novel, the film takes it's name from, obviously never read the book, as Cronenberg takes from all sorts of sources and creates something all his own.  The wild imagination is what stands out but after the shock of that wears off, you've got a hypnotizing story that dissects the social mechanisms that follow Weller's character into his hallucinated version of Tangier.  It's definitely not for everybody but for those that bite, they will find something fantastic.

4 drips of mugwamp jism out of 5

JURASSIC WORLD [2015]

Safety Not Guaranteed director Colin Trevorrow makes a huge career move with Jurassic World, the fourth film in the popular film franchise.
Returning to the island in the original film, the new Dino-park is fully functional and brimming with happy-go-lucky tourists ready to see reptiles devour other reptiles from the safety of the other side of the bars.  We all know where this is going and, boy, are we ever ready for it.  It never comes close to the terrifying magic of the first two films but finally after nearly 15 years, we're able to get rid of that bitter after-taste of the third film.  There's a few memorable pieces and potentially great ideas spread throughout it's cringe-worthy corniness and predictability.  It's big, dumb dino-fun that's purely out to razzle-dazzle those who are open to it.

3  poor little piggies who never made it home out of 5

SAN ANDREAS [2015]

Republic of Doyle Newfie director Brad Peyton has a grand ol' time bringing California to it's knees in the special effects summer bonanza San Andreas.
The Rock plays a father that embarks on a terrifying journey across the said state in order to rescue his daughter.  By now, you know what your getting yourself into when walking into a film like this.  Bad dialogue, paper-thin characters, questionable actions with even more questionable consequences and a helluva lot of noise.  If you're ready for all that then you'll find some mind-numbing enjoyment out of this one, especially with Dwayne Johnson on board.  With summer officially starting this week I can safely guarantee you most of the film reviews following this one will say basically the same thing.

3 tsunamis out of 5

THE SAND PEBBLES [1966]

Actor Steve McQueen is arguably at his absolute best in director Robert Wise's intimate war drama, The Sand Pebbles, based upon Richard McKenna's novel of the same name.
The lengthy film tells the 1926 story of a hard-to-get-along with US Navy engineer who's transferred to a gunboat smack in the middle of a war torn China.  It's a film that works on an intimate level about a man who knows how to do his job well but struggles to understand his place within others and his purpose.  On a larger scale, it mirrors the racism and questionable involvement of the U.S pretty much any war they've stuck their overly proud noses in, past and present.  Considering it's length, the impact of the story struggles to maintain it's quality but is mostly upheld by it's colorful photography, powerful performances from McQueen, Richard Crenna & Mako and great early score composed by Jerry Goldsmith.

3½ homes away from home out of 5

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

Golden Vampires was Hammer’s final Dracula film. They'd been struggling with the franchise through much of the 70s but they went out in style.
It’s unusual territory for the British company, being a joint production between them and Shaw Bros, set in Chung King and filmed in China, a country rich with its own night-time lore. It's a surprisingly well-implemented pairing. The Dracula mythos is adapted to fit its new home. The coloured lights of his tomb acting as a kind of precursor to the exotic nature of what follows.
You won’t see his name in the credits, but Cheh Chang, perhaps best known for One-Armed Swordsman (1967), shared the director’s chair. It’s likely because of Chang that the martial arts scenes are as good as they are, and that certain Chinese religious practices are respected throughout.

3½ dusty hearts out of 5

HOME [2015]

Director Tim Johnson's CGI animated kiddie-comedy, Home, doesn't even attempt to break any new ground but it's so damned lovably cute I really didn't mind it at all.
It's the familiar tale of a friendship that bonds between a teenage girl and an alien, both of whom are looking for a home for their heart and find it through colorful silliness, wacky hijinks and a plethora of family-friendly pop tunes.  Adults will get the most joy watching the kid's faces light up for the entire duration of the film and move on without giving it a second thought.  It follows the tired CGI animated formula like clockwork but has just enough flair and postitivity to make it a worthwhile waste of time.

3 number threes out of 5

MAGGIE [2015]

Henry Hobson's directorial debut, the zombie-drama, Maggie, does a phenomenal job at making the viewer feel the need to overdose on anti-depressants once the credits start rolling.
Arnie Schwarzenegger plays a father who cares for his daughter, as she slowly dies from an infection that inevitably leads to her becoming the flesh-eating walking dead.  Arnie took me completely off-guard as he goes for an effective low-key performance and for once, with a heavy heart, the viewer definitely does not want him to pick up any sort of fire-arms.  It's a slow-burning drama that reminded me several times of the dreariness of The Road with the same sort of suffocating dread that Michael Haneke explored with Amour.  Great performances and mesmerizing tone aside, the film doesn't offer a whole lot beyond that and when all is said and done, it feels rather pointless, unless it aimed to haunt...because, boy, does it ever.

3 poor little foxes out of 5

¡THREE AMIGOS! [1986]

Having not seen director John Landis' comedy ¡Three Amigos! since I was a kid in the late '80's I was afraid it wouldn't be the laugh-fest I remembered it as.
Thankfully the comedy stylings of Steve Martin, Chevy Chase & Martin Short holds up even better than I thought it would in this funny homage to The Magnificent Seven.
Three half-witted heroes of the silent films are hired by a small town in Mexico, who believe they're the real thing, to protect them from a gang of thugs robbing the citizens of everything they're worth.  The silliness is piled on pretty heavily, while the messy script feels like they were like "let's do this next" and never give it a second thought but it's the likeability of the leading trio that makes the whole thing come together.  It's a reasonably harmless slice of good-natured fun that's near impossible to resist.

3 sons of a motherless goat out of 5

Food, Inc. (2008)

Most adults are aware that the tasty burger they're holding was once part of a cow, likely mistreated before being violently killed, but the majority of consumers can easily put that out of mind as they bite down. If the things they do know don’t bother them, what about the things they don’t know?
It’s not a documentary about animal rights, it’s about giant food corporations that no longer pay American farmers to ‘raise’ chickens - they pay businessmen to ‘grow’ them on factory farms. Fat birds = fat wallets.
It’s not just animals; the story of corn and soy beans is just as terrifying.
It’s light on statistics, opting more for something akin to scare tactics, but the daring hidden camera footage speaks for itself without needing diagrams.

4 ugly truths out of 5

Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994)

The titular teacher runs rogue through the education system, staying in one place just long enough to alienate most of his peers and parade his ignorance of the words ‘low’ and ‘key’. He goes in, kills and then blows the place to smithereens before moving on, staying ahead of a pursuing Fed.
Can we have flashbacks to the previous film to make the sequel seem better than it is?  Of course, that’s how you make a direct-to-video movie!
All jokes aside, it's bad but not as bad as it could've been, because Sasha Mitchell is a likeable guy. If not for the fact that he’s murdering people his noble intentions would be admirable. He’s a walking contradiction.

2 student bodies out of 5

Class of 1999 (1990)

Mark L. Lester returned to campus for a spiritual sequel to his Class of 1984 (1982) film, but second time out he went sci-fi.
A Seattle high school secretly installs three military surplus battle droids as tutors with directives that enable them to dish out disciplinary measures on the spot like a less law abiding Robocop. It's a reversal of sorts from 1984; before it was the students who were to be feared, now it's the teachers.
A youth named Cody Culp, a typical young adult anti-hero, steps up to the mark, but Cody's past makes rallying the troops difficult.
The film's more ambitious than '84 and had a budget that wasn't much higher.
It's ironic good fun seeing Malcolm McDowell as a school authority figure.

3½ negative reinforcements out of 5

Class of 1984 (1982)

The 80s had a slew of high school movies, but Class of 1984 pushed the anarchic-teen template further than the majority subsequently dared to go.
It focuses primarily on Mr Norris, the new music teacher, played perfectly by Perry King. Norris is aware that teaching is a mostly thankless job, but he has a fool notion that pupils want to learn. As he struggles to do what’s right, all else around him is turning a blind eye. Weapon checks are failing, there’s more graffiti inside the building than out and drug deals go down daily in the student washrooms. Can he be blamed then for crossing a line when he's forcibly pushed over it by the hate crimes of ingrate bastards? He's there to teach and that's what he does! Get the uncut version for the full lesson.

4 fucklty members out of 5

Killing Zoe (1993)

Eric Stoltz attempts the kind of bank withdrawal that involves more than a signature and a smile. Unfortunately for him the people he chooses to work with are reckless assholes. His surprise when things go bad highlights a naivety someone in his role really ought not to have.
There’s a lengthy drug-addled scene that irks me, but it’s as well-considered as the rest when put into context. I do feel, however, that the same result could've been achieved in less time had the director wanted to do so.
Thankfully, the rest of the film is top class, well-framed and successfully paced, simmering constantly until the pot inevitably boils over.
The number of times its best moments have been copied over the years is a testament to how good it was at the time of release.

3½ party masks out of 5

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

Satanic Rites is a direct sequel to Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) set two years later. Cushing returns as scholar and hunter Lorrimer Van Helsing, with his granddaughter Jessica having morphed from Stephanie Beacham into a red-haired Joanna Lumley. Lee is back, too, playing the Studio's version of the Count for the final time; he hung up the cloak afterwards.
I’m glad the hipsters were excised from the plot this time, but adding elements of a second-rate spy novel into the mix instead was even less desirable.
There are some life lessons to be learned from it, though, such as: always put more than one bullet in your gun; for a quiet life keep your bitches chained in a basement; and previously ignored apotropaics can be used in a pinch.

2 governing circles out of 5

Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley's Island of Dr. Moreau (2014)

Richard Stanley had a vision. New Line Cinema had cold feet, a sharp knife and a clear view of Stanley’s back. Like frightened animals they struck.
The usurped writer/director is surprisingly calm about the whole affair, perhaps due to time having scabbed over the wounds. He gives viewers access to the amazing pre-production art and storyboards he’d commissioned, on-set photos of the brief time he’d had in the director’s chair and airs his view on some of the disasters that befall the production.
The doc shifts focus for a long time after the middle section, becoming more like a DVD extra about the making of the actual Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) film that did eventually get made with a new director.
There's no guarantee that Stanley's would've been better, but given how visually spellbinding his past films were it sure as hell would've been a lot more interesting to look at and very likely more thought-provoking.

3½ Hollywood hyenas out of 5

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

It’s all fine for the first while, but once the painted white boulder that is Marlon Brando rolls into the story the entire production goes right off the rails. He seems to want to sabotage every scene he’s in, dragging everyone, including his Mini-Me, down with the whole tropical ship.
Kilmer didn't want to be there and it shows. His performance is shockingly bad.
Dir. John Frankenheimer is the only one with anything resembling an excuse for being off, he’d no time to prepare, having come to the project half a week into shooting after the previous director was removed. Still, he appears to make little effort to turn it into anything other than a pay cheque.
I feel sorry for Thewlis, Balk and Perlman, all of whom at least made some effort despite the odds stacked against them.

1½ hybrid moments out of 5

The Dennis Potter Collection

Potter (1935-94) was one of the few dramatists that managed to work within the BBC system but at the same time work around it, creating stories that were both a personal reflection of his own worldview and thematically far-reaching. His methods may have been alienating to some folks, but discerning viewers could relate to the flaws in his fictionalised protagonists, most of whom were more real than the kind of 'real lives' presented in Auntie's regular output. The channel was lucky to have such a unique talent.

Television plays and Films:
01. Brimstone and Treacle (1976)
02. Blade on the Feather (1980)
03. Rain on the Roof (1980)
04. Cream in My Coffee (1980)
05. Brimstone and Treacle (1982)
06. Gorky Park (1983)
07. Dreamchild (1985)
08. Track 29 (1988)
09. Midnight Movie (1994)

TV Miniseries on our sister site, Nut Box:
01. Blackeyes (1989)
02. Lipstick on Your Collar (1993)
03. Karaoke (1996)
04. Cold Lazarus (1996)

Cleopatra Jones (1973)

Cleo Jones is a tall, slender, almost regal walking advert for 1970s fur coats. She's also a US special agent with bad kung-fu skills on a mission to stop drugs at their source before they hit the streets of her home town. Her success rate makes the local drug lord (actually, drug lady) mad as hell.
I was hoping for something similar to what Jack Hill did with Pam Grier, but it doesn't get close. Instead, it goes for a more blatant display of racist bastard cops and tongue-in-cheek comedy with corny dialogue.
Shelley Winters knows the score; she hams it up from the beginning.

2½ Saturday night specials out of 5

Poltergeist (2015)

Relatively green Gil Kenan directs this remake of the 1982 horror classic about a family accosted by angry spirits in their new home. This time the story is more contained, leaving out a sense of community and focusing entirely on the family. Minor tweaks to the original story are expected, but certain elements are retained such as the twisted tree outside the home and a creepy clown doll to serve as foreshadowing. The Heather O' Rourke look-a-like, Kennedi Clements does a decent job, but the real lead-in to the paranormal events belongs to the brother (Kyle Catlett). Despite some truly disturbing visuals in the latter half and Sam Rockwell delivering just the right amount of humor, the film lacks impact. Tight pacing never allows for frightening events to sink in too deeply and bad lighting choices add to its mediocrity. It's an enjoyable film, but hardly a lasting entry in the horror genre like the original.

3 battle scars out of 5

Red Scorpion (1988)

Rocky IV (1985) made Dolph a Russian in the minds of movie-goers. In the minds of producers, too, it seems. In RS they gave him the most Russian name ever: Nikolai Petrovitch Radchenko. He’s a Soviet Spetsnaz agent made from Russian steel, sent into Africa on a solo mission by KGB superiors to kill an anti-Communist revolutionary. As you’d expect, after he arrives there’s gunplay and explosions, but during the quiet times the story delivers a few things that you don’t often see in the action movie genre. Those emotional moments (really!) coupled with one of the best performances I've ever seen from Dolph make the film a hell of a lot more watchable than many other 80s actioners.

3 very large pins out of 5

I, Monster (1971)

A full-length feature from Amicus adapted from Robert Louis Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1886). The character names are changed but the core elements are the same. It makes an admirable attempt to explore the nature vs. nurture argument, asking if we’re born good and turned evil by society, or if our natural instincts are stifled. In the pursuit of knowledge a doctor creates a serum that causes patients to lose inhibitions and release their repressed desires (where I come from we call that vodka).
Lee’s post-transformation grin is excellent; it’s a rare treat to see him smile onscreen. Despite the lofty intentions the second half falters a little and the music fails to make the quieter scenes on par with the rest.
Coincidently, Hammer studios, Cushing and Lee’s first home, released a Jekyll and Hyde film with Ralph Bates just two weeks before I, Monster!

3 unhealthy appetites out of 5

FOCUS [2015]

Soon to be members of The Suicide Squad, Will Smith & Margot Robbie play some professional con-artists in directors Glenn Ficarra & John Requa's delightfully breezy crime-caper Focus.
I don't really need to tell you the story, when the mere mention of con-artists in film says it all; whipper snapper crooks get in way over their heads and blah blah blah.  If you take one look of the poster art and think it looks slick, sexy and silly, you're right on the mark.  If not for the very charismatic leading stars I might have become tired of it sooner, due to some of the groan-worthy twists 'n turns and horribly uneven pacing of it's many reveals.  There's a few lengthy scenes that are actually quite well-done but when it all comes down to it, the generic feel of the whole film is it's major weakness.

2½ ridiculously lucky shots out of 5

TRAS EL CRISTAL [1987]

aka

In a Glass Cage

Spanish director Agustí Villaronga bravely tackles some disturbing material with his unflinching psychologically horrifying drama, Tras el cristal.
Our minds are dragged kicking & screaming into the story of a former Nazi doctor who performed unspeakable acts on young boys, so he attempts suicide to find himself surviving within the confinement of an iron lung.  Matters are made worse, when a young man, posing as his nurse, grows an unhealthy obsession with the patient and begins copy-catting his acts of the past.  It's a story about the human cruelty, holding one's life in your hands and asks whether or not life or death is a more suitable punishment for one's horrible crimes.  It's slow pace crawls right under your skin with it's foreboding dread and wonderful use of space.  When Villaronga wants to scare you, he uses wide open long shots but when he wants to make you downright uncomfortable he gets a little too close and intimate.  It teeters between compelling psychodrama and immensely shocking horror film but it's so delicately crafted it never seems like it's purely out to offend.  

3½ doses of gasoline out of 5

PITCH PERFECT 2 [2015]

A capella sensations The Barden Bellas are back in director (and co-star) Elizabeth Banks' Pitch Perfect 2.
This time around The Bellas are far past regionals and are now playing with the big leagues as they aim to win an international competition.  The first film had the benefit of taking everyone by surprise and actually being quite funny, so it only makes sense that they would have to step it up a few notches to keep it's audience.  Sadly they take it down multiple notches with some terrible jokes, forced performances and sloppy pacing.  The whole film feels rushed and even with the actual vocal performances, which were a highlight in the first film, are butchered with a distractingly heavy use of auto-tune.  There's still plenty of funny moments but nothing quite gels together and instead it feels like a Disney channel movie, which will probably please it's most dedicated of younger fans but repel the casual viewer who enjoyed the first film.

2 baby chutes out of 5

Supergirl (1984)

Not only does Supergirl not fit into the existing Superman mythos created by the films that came before it, it fails to keep even its own self-contained designs on the world intact. The story has witches, black magic, an invisible demon and an unravelling script that would confuse even Mister Mxyzptlk.
Faye Dunaway's pantomime villain/cougar is a lot of fun, but what holds it all together is Helen Slater’s ability to give the titular character the innocence and naivety she needs to be sympathetic in the alien world.
Helen's months of training on the wire really paid off. When she flies around it's like a dance, full of elegance and grace.

2½ dicky bows out of 5

Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence (1993)

Problems behind the scenes caused part three to be abandoned by its original director partway though, requiring a hasty replacement, new scenes to be shot (filler) and the insertion of outtakes from part two to make up the running time. That maybe explains why the focus of the story is all over the place, giving too much screen time to uninteresting people that aren't necessary to the main story. The remainder is more about Detective Gruff and his personal attachments. The maniac cop has no real function until the finale.
There’s a well-staged scene in a drug store in the first hour but it’s the ending that you’ll remember most. The stuntmen are the real stars.

2 restless souls out of 5

Maniac Cop 2 (1990)

It wastes time by giving us a lengthy recap, and then later the very same flashback we had before. That’s just lazy, guys.
Alongside the two leads from the first film is the new Detective Gruff (not his actual name) and a female psychologist. The latter presented an opportunity to get inside the mind of the killer cop, but that doesn't happen. Instead, Cordell remains almost as blank as Michael Myers was in his later films.
It’s not as bad as it might sound, though, because there’s a hell of a lot more plot this time. Even so, the highlight is a stunt shot. Foly Huck! Maximum respect to whoever was in that blistering suit. I've not seen anything that good even in movies with millions to spend on FX.

3 busted doors out of 5

Maniac Cop (1988)

It’s not safe to walk the streets of NY because a cop is doing his job too well. He’s killing innocent folk with no apparent motive.
The script turns the slasher movie premise around, making a thing traditionally associated with protection into a malevolent killer who hides in convenient shadows with knife in hand. His inhuman strength makes it all seem partially supernatural; if you reject that then it all seems rather silly.
Tom Atkins plays the caring homicide Detective well; it’s a role he’s suited to. The usually reliable Bruce Campbell doesn't get to use his B–Movie charm and wit. He struggles to make us care about his two-dimensional character. Conversely, the ladies, Laurene Landon and Sheree North, both get stronger roles and do a grand job with them.

3 pigs in the shit out of 5

The Ringu Collection

I've read Koji Suzuki's original Ringu (1991) novel in translation. It's good, but the concept around which the story revolves works better as visual media. Yes, you can take that as meaning the film is better than the book if you want. However, you then have to ask: which film? It was adapted multiple times over a short number of years, some of which spawned sequels, forcing you to be aware of the running order. My advice would be to begin with what I consider the most successful trilogy: numbers 02, 04, and 06 in the list below, in that same order. If you're still intrigued after that, then check out the others.

Foreign Language Films:
01. Ring: Kanzenban (1995)
02. Ringu (1998)
03. Rasen (1998)
04. Ringu 2 (1999)
05. The Ring Virus (1999)
06. Ringu 0: Birthday (2000)
07. Sadako 3D (2012)
08. Sadako 3D 2 (2013)
09. Sadako vs. Kayako (2016)

English Language Films:
01. The Ring (2002)
02. The Ring Two (2005)
03. Rings (2017)

NOTE: Sadako vs. Kayako (2016) is a crossover with the Ju-on franchise. For short reviews of films in that series see The Ju-on Collection.