Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025)

These motherfuckers just can't leave well enough alone. A mere decade ago, this series was rebooted, and now Scarlett Johansson has been handed the keys to the kingdom in this new standalone reboot of the Jurassic brand, distancing itself from the other films. Set five years after Dominion, most of the dinosaurs have perished due to inhospitable conditions, but the rest have migrated to warmer climates near the equator. Cue the mercenaries who are tasked with traveling there to retrieve blood samples that will aid in life-saving medical research (they couldn't have thought of this before?).

Godzilla director Gareth Edwards fits right at home with this kind of kaiju material. The dinosaurs look realistic and weighty again, and it's even shot on film. It feels smaller and more intimate than the other sequels; you actually care about these characters and there are stakes at risk. There's even a new variant species introduced, because apparently regular dinosaurs just aren't scary enough anymore. While it doesn't reinvent the wheel, it's a real return to form for this series, and does a decent enough job for what it has to offer.

3 mutations out of 5

Jurassic World: Dominion (2022)

"Jurassic World? Not a fan." -Dr. Ian Malcolm

Four years after the last catastrophe, dinosaurs and humans now co-exist. Sadly, all the wonder of this world seems to be missing now. Dinosaurs have become commonplace. Poaching is a thing, as well as black market dealings. The dinosaurs no longer seem as threatening as before, and conveniently always target the baddies. This is one of those movies that gradually wears out its welcome and becomes less enjoyable as it goes on. Ironically, it's the overexposure that saps its novelty. It no longer feels special anymore.

Then again, they got Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum to reunite for the first time since 1993, so what more could you ask? They have a diminished role in this—the last of the Chris Pratt trilogy of Jurassic World films—yet remain the only bright spot that bring any humanity to the proceedings.

This was originally billed as the "epic conclusion of the Jurassic era." But fear not...the dinosaurs will continue to roam the earth. Life, uh, finds a way.

2½ flaming locusts out of 5

Note: Having seen both the theatrical and extended editions, the extended is the superior option, although it adds 14 more minutes to this lumbering entry.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Time has passed since the park was rebooted and the dinosaurs have made it their home. A volcano is set to erupt on Isla Nubar and the animal activists (and shareholders) want to save the dinos, despite scientists like Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) warning for nature to take its course and get rid of the unholy abominations once and for all. And so back we go, into the belly of the beast...

These movies aren't rocket science. What you're going to get is nature turning on man, once more. It does enough right that it's passable, popcorn-munching entertainment, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to like it.

2½ clones out of 5

JURASSIC WORLD [2015]

Safety Not Guaranteed director Colin Trevorrow makes a huge career move with Jurassic World, the fourth film in the popular film franchise.
Returning to the island in the original film, the new Dino-park is fully functional and brimming with happy-go-lucky tourists ready to see reptiles devour other reptiles from the safety of the other side of the bars.  We all know where this is going and, boy, are we ever ready for it.  It never comes close to the terrifying magic of the first two films but finally after nearly 15 years, we're able to get rid of that bitter after-taste of the third film.  There's a few memorable pieces and potentially great ideas spread throughout it's cringe-worthy corniness and predictability.  It's big, dumb dino-fun that's purely out to razzle-dazzle those who are open to it.

3  poor little piggies who never made it home out of 5

JURASSIC PARK III [2001]

Joe Johnston snags the director's seat for the 3rd instalment of the Jurassic Park series, the first not to be based on a Michael Crichton novel.  

What should have been a welcome return to the series, has Sam Neill reprising his role from the first film, only to feel pointless and empty.  The uninspired action is non-stop, saving absolutely no time for any sort of character development whatsoever or interesting story arcs.  Watching this crapfest makes you realize how much graceful thought and time Spielberg put into his filmmaking and action pieces.  

It's essentially like a bad made for TV movie with a Hollywood blockbuster budget.

1 egg in the satchel out of 5

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK [1997]

Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Michael Crichton's novel The Lost World, the Jurassic Park sequel, is a film that grew on me over time. 

Originally, it was a huge disappointment because of it's messily stitched together plot, horrible stench of 'sequel-ness to it and the huge cast of disposable stock characters.  Spielberg never attempts to hide any of those and makes the dazzling FX, adrenaline charged movie he wants to see because he damn well can.  Hell, the director even sneaks in a cameo of himself eating popcorn.

3 little dino, big cities out of 5

JURASSIC PARK [1993]

Steven Spielberg's action/adventure Jurassic Park is a rare example where the movie is better than the book.  

It's popcorn cinema at some of it's best, with eye-popping effects, iconic imagery, unforgettable scenes and a memorable score from John Williams.  What begins as a awe-inspiring children's film quickly spirals into an incredibly effective and terrifying thriller.  Bad character development and some hokey heart-felt scenes can be forgiven because that's not really what we want to see.  It's the dinosaurs and all their wall-shaking, floor-rumbling glory.  

4 dino-frog penises out of 5