Adaptation. (2002)

Pathetic, fat, balding, worthless loser Charlie Kaufman is tasked with adapting the screenplay to an unfilmable novel about orchids. How does he accomplish this task? By inserting himself into the narrative, of course. Nicolas Cage gives the performance of a lifetime as not one, but two versions of Kaufman. I've spent most of my life thinking about this film and unintentionally emulating it. No amount of words I devote to this nut would ever do it justice. Layers upon layers of inspired brilliance, elegance and meta-commentary that works on multiple levels. If I have two favorite movies of all time, this is the other one.

5 wanks following a writer's block out of 5

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

What lengths would you go to forget your painful past and wipe the slate clean? Undergo an experimental treatment to surgically remove those memories forever? We view the inside of one such mind as this procedure is being conducted. Past and present blend together as we begin to understand the reasons for such extreme measures. Charlie Kaufman and Michel Gondry's poignant sci-fi romantic drama explores the nature of love and memory in an intimate fashion, where you feel the loss right along with the characters. It contains all of the ways in which regret, disappointment and baggage weigh us down in life. It's a deeply rich and layered experience, and an absolutely genius example of cinematic achievement that rewards repeat viewings. The world that's created feels real and lived in and it's easy to lose oneself in the smallest details. This is one of those "comfort" films for when you're feeling isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world.

5 trips to Montauk out of 5

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

How did this movie ever get made? I have no idea, but I'm so glad it did.

The Daniels follow up their breakout film, the wildly inventive Swiss Army Man, with a movie that is not bound to a single place and time, and simply exists on its own terms. A laundromat owner gets caught up in the multiverse while attempting to do her taxes. What follows is a mind-bending journey into the unknown, which borrows liberally from martial arts movies, slapstick comedies, Marvel superheroes, Pixar, anime, Wong Kar-wai, Fight Club and The Matrix. One of the most fiercely original, beautiful, contemplative, wacky, irreverent, soul-purifying and consciousness-expanding movies I've ever seen. Not only the best to come out of 2022, but also of the past five years. 

Have I managed to do this film justice? Not even close.

6 googily eyes out of 6 (in the universe where 6-nutters exist)

Beau is Afraid (2023)

Beau lives in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety. (Same, Beau, same.)

Without going into specifics, he is drawn into anxious-driven journey inspired by the likes of Kaufman and Lynch. If you're paranoid, this movie will fuck with you deeply. It's three hours of a neverending hellscape, but the humor is so sharp and the directions so unpredictable, it manages to ensure your safe journey home. There is a looming darkness hovering over it that encapsulates that feeling of dread so well. I found myself holding my breath during certain scenes for no reason at all, while other scenes are cemented in my brain for life. Joaquin's performance contains so many subtle moments of brilliance which for some reason were not recognized by the awards committee. This film is palpable for no other reason than he is such a compelling actor. The whole thing feels like a fever dream and I'm just delighted there are still filmmakers willing to go there, knowing it will alienate 90% of its audience.

My pick for the best film of 2023, and I'm fairly confident I won't see anything this arresting again anytime soon. It's really fucking sad how much I identify with this character.

5 I'm sorry, thank you, sorry out of 5

Poor Things (2023)

How to condense this film into a concise summary without giving away key plot points? It's the type of film that needs to be seen to be believed, without any prior expectations set. Bella (Emma Stone, at the tip-top of her game) is a Frankenstein-like creation who wants to experience the world for herself and sets out on an epic journey of self-discovery. Yorgos is the perfect filmmaker to handle this weird, sometimes off-putting material, which is both hilarious and tragic. It's a brilliant movie and I hope I haven't said too much or too little.

5 furious jumping out of 5

The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)

"Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?"

"I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong."

Set against the backdrop of the Irish Civil War of 1923, off a small village isle of Ireland, a man refuses to speak with his lifelong best friend without any given explanation. That's all you need to know. I honestly didn't know how they'd stretch that premise out to two hours, but I felt compelled throughout. This is a modern masterpiece and one of the best films I've seen in a long time.

5 dreams gone out of 5

Note: Unless you're familiar with Irish vernacular, watch it with subtitles on. 

Oppenheimer (2023)

The most overrated movie of 2023. I love Christopher Nolan as much as the next film nerd, but he excels at making epic, original sci-fi films. I'm not quite as thrilled with his heady, awards-baiting historical dramas. This is essentially a 3-hour "talkie" picture about the Manhattan Project, and its literal fallout and legal ramifications. Does it really need to be that long to tell this story? Feels like a lot of pretentious showboating to me. The performances are all great and worthy of the acclaim they received, it's just that the whole thing feels a lot more self-important than it actually is. It does a fine job at telling its story, but isn't half as memorable or noteworthy as everyone else pretends it to be.

Won the "Best Picture" Oscar for 2023, but if the Academy had any balls, it would have gone to Poor Things.

3 Destroyer of Worlds out of 5

Barbie (2023)

There's no way to defend this. I fucking loved it. Who knew a movie about a toy with tits could be this poignant, existential and moving, all in one? Barbie becomes self-aware and travels out of her fantasy bubble into the real world, where she's confronted with the realities of being a woman. On the flipside, Ken realizes he's been a slave to Barbie all his life and achieves a form of self-actualization without the need for external validation. Cynics may call it feminist propaganda, but it's riotously funny with tremendous heart, and tells a story that kids ought to hear while their brains are still soft and malleable.

I cried like a bitch and I'm man enough to admit it.

4½ beach-offs out of 5

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

With his past adventures behind him, Indy grapples with his destiny as an older man on the verge of retirement, when adventure comes calling once more...

Nostalgia goggles on. Indiana Jones is my favorite film franchise of all time, so I'm clearly biased, but this is still a solid action-adventure flick. The only thing this movie has going against it is its bloated runtime, but since this is purported to be the last in the series (Ford is 81 and claims the character will die with him), I will give it a pass. With its ruminations on life and death, this is the kind of movie that will age well as you revisit it again later in life and realize: Yes, I know exactly what they were trying to say about getting older. Life ain't all sunshine and roses, even when you're the world's greatest hero. It doesn't diminish the legacy of the character at all, despite the heavy subject matter. Harrison can still kick my ass up and down the block.

4 Tuk-Tuks out of 5

Note: For the sake of completion, I would give the first three films 5 out of 5, and the fourth would get 3 out of 5. This one is still not quite as divisive as the previous entry.

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

J.J. Abrams is inconceivably, ill-advisedly back in the director's chair (after a last minute shake-up in plans when Colin Trevorrow backed out) and attempts to course-correct the universe back to where The Force Awakens left it. Consequently, it feels like a push and pull between two different creative forces at war with each other, and the trilogy does not feel as satisfyingly consistent or tied together as it could have been had they actually plotted out its three-film structure (or better yet, followed Lucas's original outlines) before embarking on this fool's errand. Rey has now taken up the mantle of resident Jedi and attempts to do battle with the ghost of Star Wars past. They position her as the next savior for the future of the franchise, which is all this trilogy ever set out to do. At the end of the day, it manages to be a competent enough film with standard entertainment value that doesn't attempt to ruffle many feathers. The series is neither better nor worse for it; it simply is.

3 "they fly now?!" out of 5

Note: For an alternate version of what Episode 9 could have been, check out Trevorrow's original draft, entitled "Duel of the Fates."

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

This might be going against the grain of popular fan-thinking, but I actually preferred this installment to The Force Awakens. It attempted to do something different with the Star Wars brand (just like George Lucas set out to do with his prequel trilogy), whereas J.J. Abrams was more concerned with repeating the past successes and making sure everyone still liked him at the end of it, but did nothing revolutionary to make itself stand out from the rest of the series. This film does the opposite and subverts the viewer's expectations, and it's thrilling as long as you're open enough to accepting change. It's too bad Abrams ended up retconning most of it for the divisive third entry.

4 swigs of green milk out of 5

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)

Returning from a lengthy absence (we won't talk about that), James Gunn completes his trilogy with flying colors that places the heart and soul back into Marvel's Cinematic Universe. Focusing on Rocket Raccoon's backstory, we are introduced to the High Evolutionary and Adam Warlock, as well as cuddly companions from Rocket's past. 

Like Deadpool, Guardians remains my favorite Marvel property due to its irreverent humor and winning heart (especially the chemistry between Drax and Mantis, who I will miss most of all), which set it apart from many of the superhero franchises which try so hard to be "cool" all the time. It's refreshing when all the characters feel flawed and sorta human (even the alien ones).

What I like most about this series is how it is (almost) separate from the MCU machine (the Guardians also feature in Avengers: Infinity War/Endgame and Thor: Love and Thunder, so it's not entirely self-contained), so you can watch Vol 1-3 as a trilogy of its own design (but don't forget the Holiday Special!). 

Most other things I have to say about this movie rely heavily on spoilers, but all I'll say is that while I was mostly satisfied with how it all ended, it left me with bittersweet feelings which prevent me from giving it a higher score.

3½ confusing car door designs out of 5

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Let's get this out of the way first: This movie is gorgeous. But that's all it is. It wades in shallow waters, but the colors pop and it's a world you achingly long to escape to. You want to watch this on the biggest screen you can find. 

It only took James Cameron 13 or so years to get back in the director's chair to follow up the visually arresting Avatar. He doesn't make too many changes to the formula here, but he swaps the Na'vi forests for its deep oceans (one of Cameron's own vested interests) in order to introduce the audience to new types of dazzling flora and alluring fauna. Like the original, people cynically bemoan it as a dearth of cinema, but it's only meant to be a simple good time at the movies. Get the stick out of your ass and flip the switch on your brain to "off" to get the maximum enjoyment. There's only going to be about 20 more of these damn movies.

3½ swims with whales out of 5

Avatar (2009)

This film is a visual marvel and most people tend to cynically look back on it as derivative of other films (Dances with Wolves or FernGully), but you have to appreciate it for what it was at the time: a technological spectacle that brought about remarkable advances in cinematic achievement. At once an environmental morality tale and a love story for the ages, Jake Sully is a paraplegic war veteran who is given a new lease on life when he gets the chance to try out a new, enhanced engineered body and infiltrate the mysterious Na'vi creatures of an alien planet called Pandora. It's enjoyable primarily because it manages to do what movies do best: take you on an adventure of imagination that is unbound by this world's stringent limits. Still manages to move this viewer and stir the withered heartstrings after all this time. I See You.

4½ hair jobs out of 5

Note: At the time of posting, this is still the highest-grossing film of all time, but it is neck and neck with Avengers: Endgame. It is still remarkable to me that James Cameron is responsible for three of the top four biggest box office returns. Not too shabby for a director who has made less than 10 feature films.

Flow (2024)

AKA: Straume (Latvian)

The day in the life of a cat is interrupted when a great flood has overtaken the land. With no dialogue or narration, there's not a lot of spoilers I can give here. It's very simple in its naturalistic approach. It does what animation does best and takes you on a grand adventure of imagination unbound by the limitations of reality. If you've ever played an indie video game, there is a familiarity to the proceedings; almost like a cross between Stray and Submerged. As a gorgeous meditation on life, it's easily the best animated feature of the year.

4 unlikely companions out of 5

Under the Silver Lake (2018)

A slacker with a fleeting sense of purpose stumbles upon the makings of a conspiracy while investigating the sudden disappearance of his mysterious neighbor. This movie is a fucking trip. A surreal neo-noir black comedy with deep Lynchian vibes reminiscent of Mulholland Drive. There's so much going on here, it almost shouldn't work, but it all comes together with a semblance of dream logic that reminded me of After Hours. This is the type of film that contains hidden layers of meaning that can linger on in the back of your mind for days at a time. Be careful not to look too deep or you might lose yourself.

4½ hobo codes out of 5

Nosferatu (2024)

Forget everything you know about F. W. Murnau's original 1922 silent German Expressionist horror film. This is a completely new interpretation. Originally based on Bram Stoker's Dracula (with just enough details changed to escape copyright infringement), it tells the story of a woman and her connection to an ancient evil spirit.

Robert Eggers is one of those filmmakers (like Ari Aster) who has carved out his own path with a singular vision and niche style of storytelling. Even when I'm not totally in love with that vision, I admire it more for its audacity in the face of mainstream values.

While I imagine this film won't be for everyone (it's very slow, with lots of lingering shadow play), it's unique enough to leave an indelible impression on the viewer. It's more of a dark, brooding mood piece than anything.

4 plague-infested rats out of 5

Renfield (2023)

Loosely inspired by Bram Stoker's Dracula, this action horror-comedy focuses more on the vampire's familiar, R. M. Renfield, who looks to get out from under Dracula's thumb. Trapped in a toxic codependent relationship, Renfield attends a 12-step meeting group where he locates his latest victims. The movie doesn't really kick into high gear until Dracula himself (Nicolas Cage, channeling his manic energy from Vampire's Kiss) gets involved, but by that point, it had already lost most of its steam. It's fun in a brainless sort of way if you're in a receptive mood and know what you're getting into. This movie would work just fine as a double feature with Abigail.

2½ superpower-infused bugs out of 5

Nightbitch (2024)

Amy Adams plays a new mom who hates her life and finds she may be turning into a...bitch. The literal kind. There's not a lot of subtlety to this movie. It wears it all on the surface and doesn't seem to get much deeper than that. Adams turns in a worthy performance, but it's more of a dark commentary than any kind of horror comedy. What I can't seem to figure out is why people continue to have kids when all it does is make them bitter and resentful. People do this to themselves.

2½ hairy nipples out of 5

Babygirl (2024)

Nicole Kidman plays an older woman who wants her pussy fucked inside out by a much younger man.

Ahem. Nicole Kidman plays a self-made woman who isn't sexually satisfied at home and seeks some outside thrills that push her out of her comfort zone.

The only reason this movie exists and has received accolades is because of the power dynamic at play. If roles were reversed, I imagine it would receive widespread criticism for the exact same reasons. With its confusing gender politics, this is basically Fifty Shades of Grey for the post-#MeToo era.

Is it erotic? Sure. But it comes at the cost of so many disclaimers, that it's downright exhausting.

3 consensual acts of degradation out of 5

What Happens Later (2023)

This movie is a two-fer between Meg Ryan (who also directed) and David Duchovny, who play ex-lovers that reconnect while grounded during a flight layover. This isn't your traditional rom-com, but a more profound take on life and love through the experience of age. It reminded me of a lost chapter from Love Actually. Something about the magical realism of the situation (stuck all alone in an airport terminal) and the omniscient PA announcer gave me those 'good time' vibes. I also appreciate that it was R-rated, because it felt like a much more mature, realistic look at reconnecting when you're older than a typical romance. A bit like a late entry in Richard Linklater's Before series.

3½ bad hips out of 5

A Complete Unknown (2024)

Bob Dylan rolls into town circa 1961 to meet his musical heroes and play some folk songs in order to make a name for himself. Apparently, the logical progression is to jump directly from Willy Wonka to Bob Dylan, but Timmy C. gives it his all, inhabiting the role of the enigmatic singer-songwriter and providing all the instrumental and vocal performances himself. While the film succeeds in dispelling some of his aloof persona, it doesn't shy away from revealing the prickly idiosyncrasies front and center. Bob wants to do what he wants and he pisses people off in order to remain true to himself. That sort of strategy only works if you've got the raw talent to back it up. As such, there's not a lot of stakes involved (there are two women at the center of this story), and at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I got a very good sense of the man, nor have I come away with any kind of revelation. Which I guess remains true to its title. There's a lot of artifice involved in biopics; you really have to suspend your disbelief, because I was aware the entire time that Chalamet was just doing his best Dylan impersonation. At no point did I feel like he lost himself in the role. James Mangold has experience in this genre with Walk the Line, but I found this to be a wholly inferior effort. It's got a lot of good tunes and strong performances, but I wasn't exactly bowled over by any of it.

3½ Times They Are A-Changin' out of 5

Emilia Pérez (2024)

A musical crime thriller where I learned that Zoe Saldana is completely fluent in Spanish. This one revolves around a cartel kingpin who undergoes a sex change operation and starts a new, "authentic" life while estranged from her wife and kids. It's weird, man. There are some catchy songs and unique dance numbers, and that's the most memorable part of the film for me. It did nothing for me personally, but I can recognize why it's received accolades and outside attention (both critical and lauding). It just failed to move me on any level.

3 completely oblivious characters out of 5

Daaaaaalí! (2023)

An ambitious young journalist attempts to collaborate with surrealist artist Salvador Dalí on a documentary project that never quite comes to fruition. 

Quentin Dupeiux is a love-it or hate-it filmmaker, but you have to admit, he’s making movies that other people aren't. This one doesn't quite add up in any meaningful way, but it earns points for originality and what-the-fuckery.

3 repeating hallways out of 5

Looop Lapeta (2022)

The official Hindi adaptation of Run Lola Run, a film I've always felt could be remade a hundred different times and remain open to a thousand different permutations. A woman races against time in order to bail her boyfriend out of a bad situation. Features a frenetic, high energy style, but it's missing the cool German electronica soundtrack. While the original runs at a solid clip for 80 minutes, this one pushes you to your limits at nearly a full hour longer. Stretching the backstory and including additional plotlines and motivations doesn't improve on what's come before, and worse yet, it completely deflates the concept of being in a hurry. This is one of those movies where I felt my enjoyment waning the longer it went on, and all the stylistic devices in the world couldn't make it any more watchable. If not for a wicked sense of humor, it would get a much lower score.

2½ Run Savi Run! out of 5

Slingshot (2024)

Sci-fi thriller involving a crew traveling to Titan to harvest natural resources. The "slingshot" of the title refers to the gravitational maneuver which will launch them towards their target. As this journey spans many years, they are placed into a drug-induced sleep, re-awakening every 90 days in order to perform maintenance and make sure they're still headed on course.

I had an odd experience watching this movie, because I kept going in and out of consciousness, similar to the characters. Anyway, I made a prediction from the very opening montage that this story may have taken a page from The Twilight Zone. While I will neither confirm nor deny, I will say its plot does feel overly familiar to similar sources.

I was ready to write this off as a POS until the ending, which I found audacious in its execution. It doesn't manage to save the movie, but almost redeems it for me. That final shot will stay with me for awhile.

2 hibernation cycles out of 5

Spaceman (2024)

I wanted to like this movie more than I did. I tried. It has a lot of things going for it. Unfortunately, it just can't overcome the familiarity of its plot.

An astronaut on a solo mission to an uncharted destination misses his wife dearly. His mental state is deteriorating. Is he hallucinating that giant spider in the corner that he calls Hanuš? Given the fact that he's so far removed from reality, it's hard to know if anything we're seeing is genuine. Does it ultimately matter? Does anything matter?

It felt like this movie was on the verge of becoming something cosmic and profound, but then it soon became rather mundane. In the end, it's just another disappointing Solaris clone. I've seen one too many "man alone in a capsule" movies before and this wasn't one of the better ones. In fact, as a true lonely space cadet, it left me properly downcast.

2½ purple nebulous clouds out of 5

Rumours (2024)

AKA: Rumors (god damn it)

Seven political leaders meet up at the annual G7 summit to discuss the world's affairs amid an undefined crisis. A lot of weird stuff happens, leading to them running amuck around the dark woods at night, but given the film's forthright unwillingness to provide any answers, I found myself not giving a shit after awhile. I suppose it's an allegory or something. It's the type of absurdism that is bound to piss people off, just like it did to me. It's either bullshit pretentious garbage or brilliant pretentious art. No fucking idea; take your pick.

Also, what do we have to do to deserve Charles Dance as U.S. President? I didn't even think that was possible.

2 fap monsters out of 5

White Noise (2022)

Adapted from the 1985 "unfilmable" novel about a cataclysmic chemical disaster that befalls a small town and causes unexpected consequences within a family. I had high hopes for this, but it disappointed me on many fronts. It was just too long and aimless and I stopped caring by the end. There is an air of mystery throughout that makes it kind of frustrating to sit through if you're expecting any kind of concrete results. I fully understand the anxiety and the sense of impending doom, but it didn't come together in any satisfying way for me, and as an absurdist comedy piece, it doesn't make many strides to make a whole lot of sense. I can't help but think that a different filmmaker could have made this material a bit more exciting rather than the banality on display here, but maybe I'm missing the point. It seems like this movie thought too highly of itself and it left me feeling cold and indifferent. This should have been a lot better than it was, but there are several moments that live in my head rent-free, so I'd say it's partially a rousing success. The fact that I've devoted so much grey matter to all this white noise has to count for something, right?

2½ supermarket waltzes out of 5

Leave the World Behind (2023)

A realistic apocalyptic psychological thriller about what happens when technology completely breaks down and strands you from the rest of the world, and how quickly it devolves into chaos and mayhem. It's about how we’ve become so dependent on modern day conveniences and creature comforts that we are no longer able to function without them. The ultimate irony is that this aired on Netflix. We're all screwed. Hold onto all your physical media, folks.

3½ box sets of Friends out of 5

Don't Look Up (2021)

An all-star ensemble satirical black comedy about two scientists attempting to warn humanity about an impending disaster that signals the end of the world, while everybody turns a blind eye, which hits a little bit too close to home. It's exaggerated and ridiculous for a reason, but handled entirely convincingly, almost like an unofficial sequel to Idiocracy (or an even more grim version of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World). All of these things could still come true today. The only thing you can do is sit back and laugh while you watch it all burn.

4 "free snacks" out of 5

The Zone of Interest (2023)

This is not an easy watch. A more mundane view of what life must have been life back in 1940s Germany, when it was much easier to stand in line and not question the atrocities that were occurring all around, for fear of one's own livelihood. We see the domestic life of a commandant and his family, whose backyard features a view of a furnace that is constantly burning. There are scenes in this film that are downright chilling to the bone. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

4 moments of quiet horror out of 5

Anatomy of a Fall (2023)

AKA: Anatomie d'une chute

The poster does a lot of the heavy lifting here. A man is found dead in the snow. His wife is the main suspect. Her blind son is the only witness. Most of the film is told in a courtroom as we examine the facts and why it may or may not be what we think. It’s a very engaging and contemplative psychological drama. My only note is that it runs too long and it's not entirely satisfying.

Actress Sandra Hüller (Toni Erdmann) is so good here, but it's the canine actor (Messi) who steals the show (and ended up winning a Palm Dog award for it).

4 passive-aggressive songs on repeat out of 5

Juror #2 (2024)

Clint Eastwood directed this film at 93. How useless do you feel right now?

A highly fascinating legal drama about a juror who realizes he may have been complicit in the case at hand. To say any more would be a disservice to the mystery that's masterfully crafted and the moral quandaries it raises. "Beast" star Nicholas Hoult reunites with Toni Collette 20 years after About a Boy.

A clever twist on the 12 Angry Men formula.

3 miscarriages of justice out of 5

September 5 (2024)

A dramatization of the hostage crisis that took place at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Taking place entirely within a news studio control room, all of the "action" is conveyed through grainy film footage that is captured by the TV cameras. Features lots of Furrowed Brow acting as it favors authenticity over entertainment value. It doesn't appear to have any concern for the victims; it's all about the morality of the people in charge making the decisions for ratings.

On a personal note, I'm getting a little tired of every real life event being dramatized as a feature-length film. I hate movies that make me feel like I'm back in school again. Just reading the synopsis was enough for me.

2½ awards-bait movies out of 5

The Fire Inside (2024)

A biographical sports drama about a female boxer who trains to make the Olympics. It does exactly what you think it's going to do without any deviation. You've seen this before. You'll see it again. You're supposed to pat yourself on the back afterwards for a job well done. It's intended to be an inspiring true story about overcoming the odds, but there's nothing inspiring about a substandard formulaic film. The most interesting discussions come towards the very end, but then it quickly settles back into the mold.

2½ (yes, there is a gun trained on me right now) out of 5

Sing Sing (2023)

Based on a true story, a man accused of a crime he didn't commit is imprisoned at the maximum-security Sing Sing Correctional Facility. He develops a sense of purpose through the creation of a theater group made up of fellow inmates, where they perform original productions based on existing properties.

What's special about this film is that Colman Domingo is the only actor starring alongside real life rehabilitated men who themselves were part of this theater program. Despite the grim material, there is a lot of humor and heartbreak as the men attempt to overcome their difficult circumstances and find an internal place of peace with which to soldier on. In particular, Clarence Maclin knocks it out of the park. The authenticity of these performances just makes it all the more bold and powerful.

3½ parole hearings out of 5

All of Us Strangers (2023)

A lonely, troubled writer in a secluded tower block develops a budding relationship with his mysterious neighbor, all the while being inspired to revisit his estranged parents at his childhood home. There are a lot of things I admire about this movie, but unfortunately I found the whole thing a bit too predictable in spite of its earnestness. Regardless, there is a lot of pain and longing in this film which makes it all the more memorable and easy to recommend for film buffs. Probably one of the most distressing films I've ever seen (and very similar to a screenplay that I wrote a long time ago).

A remake of the Japanese film, The Discarnates, which was played for a completely different tone.

3½ train rides out of 5

The Discarnates (1988)

AKA: Ijin-tachi to no natsu

A recently divorced man finds out that his best friend intends to marry his ex-wife. He meets a striking young woman at his apartment building who offers him consolation, which he quickly rebuffs. While out on the town, he encounters a friendly couple who vaguely reminds him of his long-lost parents, and whom he finds himself growing attached to. It's hard to describe this plot any further without giving away key details, so I'll leave it at that.

An adaptation of the novel "Strangers" by Taichi Yamada, which was later remade as All of Us Strangers.

4 hidden scars out of 5

Godzilla Minus One (2023)

AKA: Gojira -1.0

Might be the best Godzilla film since the original.

In postwar Japan, a kamikaze pilot encounters the kaiju at a naval base, but fails to act and is knocked unconscious. Disgraced and suffering from PTSD, he returns home to find his parents a victim of the bombings. He discovers a young woman whose parents were also killed and an orphaned baby she managed to rescue. Together, they must fight for their continued survival. 

This makeshift "family" element adds richly to the grim monster story (where the humans usually play second fiddle). The creature itself is an interesting mixture of CGI with a bit of stiltedness to its movement that feels like a throwback to old (it really relies on that heat ray, eh?). I really enjoyed the rousing adventure theme that plays triumphantly throughout the third act and lends to its epic scale. It's a triumph on all fronts.

With the massive critical and financial success of this film, it seems safe to say it's poised for a sequel. (Would that be called Godzilla Zero?)

4 minesweepers out of 5

The Boy and the Heron (2023)

AKA: Kimitachi wa dô ikiru ka

Hayao Miyazaki comes out of retirement to bring us this fable about a boy grieving his mother who follows a talking grey heron into a fantastical world. Like the best Ghibli films, there's a lot of weird shit going on that doesn't necessarily make sense and lacks rational explanation. It's all about the general vibe, and the blending of lush colors, beautiful animation and a rousing score by Joe Hisaishi. It's not my favorite Miyazaki film by a longshot, but it manages to capture a bit of that magic in its excessive 2+ hour runtime.

3 Warawara out of 5

The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (2024)

I'm an enormous fan of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies, but I was massively disappointed by this animated prequel spin-off. While it looks lush and gorgeous, it feels dull and lifeless and too far removed from the events of those films. Lord of the Rings without hobbits, dwarves or elves is just a bunch of humans fighting. It's boring. At one point, we see a couple of orcs and I got excited, but they were gone seconds later. We are fed some bread crumbs by the end that link it to the rest, but it's too little, too late. This film did absolutely nothing for me; it didn't stir me, it didn't move me, it didn't entertain me. The whole thing was so predictable and cliché, overlong and formulaic. The anime style doesn't suit this story very well compared to the Ralph Bakshi and Rankin/Bass versions that came before. (If you're an anime fan, add one star to my rating.) At least we get some classic Howard Shore themes for good measure, while Eowyn (Miranda Otto) narrates and provides our only lifeline to the original. But that isn't enough to save it by a mile.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I fucking hate prequels.

1 ring reference and that's it out of 5

Kraven the Hunter (2024)

The Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSU) revolves around villains and ancillary characters from the Spider-Man comics without actually involving the web-slinger himself (the character is currently on loan to the Disney MCU). What we get instead are some half-baked ideas and origin movies that don't really go anywhere. The most successful of these was Venom, which spawned two sequels, but Morbius and Madame Web were plagued by poor creative decisions which ended up cancelling plans for further films in the franchise.

The latest of these, Kraven the Hunter, is based on the villain whose power lies in his name. While attacked and left for dead by a shitty CGI lion, he receives a mystery serum which gives him heightened predatory abilities. We're also introduced to versions of Rhino, Chameleon, Calypso and the Foreigner. The result isn't terrible, but the problem with these origin stories is that they set up future tentpoles that will never come because each of these Sony films has underperformed. What ever happened to making complete standalone movies that don't rely on tying it to future IP? The movie isn't bad per se, there's just a lot of strands that never get paid off and probably never will, especially since these stories remain separate from the Marvel Spider-Man IP, confusingly enough. It's all just a big tease that will never come.

2 spider hallucinations out of 5 

Mufasa: The Lion King (2024)

What to do after you've already remade the movie and want to bleed more money out of the IP? You make a prequel! Mufasa, the original King of the Pride Lands (and father to Simba), gets his own backstory and of course all it does is succeed in undermining the original film. We've been down this road before. It plods along like a dull roar, with original songs from Lin-Manuel to help keep the action moving. I found it a bit too sycophantic and strangely politically motivated, although it ultimately managed to win me over (but just barely).

2½ Milele out of 5

The Lion King (2019)

For some reason, they thought they'd remake the seminal classic The Lion King as a "live action" film with photorealistic animals. It's about as pointless an exercise as remaking Psycho, in my opinion. Trying to add emotion to an animal's face is foolhardy, so the bulk of the performance comes through the all-star voice cast. It's basically made for the latest generation of kids who grew up on CG movies rather than traditional cel painted animation. It gets good marks for essentially replicating the exact same plot and layout of the original (with some additional fluff), but you might as well just stick to the classics. While competently made, I have no desire to see this version again.

3 circles of the Hollywood machine out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (2024)

Who would have thought that Sonic would become a Jim Carrey vehicle? This time, we've got two Eggmen and two hedgehogs, so double the destruction. As usual, stuff is happening at supersonic speed, there are characters from games I haven't played (Shadow is this volume's latest addition, voiced by Keanu) and a backstory going back 50 years that feels secondary to the plot. But every time Jim graces the screen, I've got a stupid smile plastered on my face. As far as quality is concerned, I would say this franchise has remained consistently entertaining, although clearly skewed for younger audiences.

It's more of the same, so if you enjoyed the others, you'll enjoy this one.

3 diamonds in the sky out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022)

I really have to appreciate that in 2022, a 60-year-old Jim Carrey is still doing the same larger-than-life comedy that I used to love back in the '90s. It's great just to watch him let loose and have fun with the character. There's a lot of collateral nostalgia from this movie, particularly if you grew up in that era. As far as video game adaptations go, this does feel true to its roots. It has the same hyper energy as the games and it's fun in that brain dead way where you don't have to think too much to enjoy it. As far as "plot" is concerned, Sonic is joined by Tails and finds a new foe in Knuckles. The most baffling decision is centering a whole B-plot around the human characters at a wedding in Hawaii that doesn't have much to do with anything.

3 green emeralds out of 5

Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Sonic makes his way from his world into ours, where he quickly makes a friend and a mortal enemy. Just like a video game, the plot is secondary to the action and the spectacle. Sonic's design looks great and the human characters around him bring him to life. Of particular note is Jim Carrey basically playing himself as Dr. Robotnik, which is both my biggest criticism of the movie and also its saving grace. It's that dumb kind of infectious fun where it doesn't do anything special, but you don't regret having sat through it. It's all very silly and over the top, but it's a bright and shiny diversion from the doldrums of life.

3 golden rings out of 5

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

This one was pure fan service, but I didn't mind it one bit. We all remember the 1993 version, right? This one blows it out of the water. Full of vibrant colors and lively worldbuilding, it succeeds in immersing you in the spirit of the games. The music especially helps to sell this nostalgia, though I wish they would have leaned into it even more. Felt like this movie had a lot to prove in order to distinguish itself from its prior cinematic failure. Personally, I think it's one of the best video game adaptations I've seen in recent memory (yes, better than The Last of Us, which was basically a lesser carbon copy of the game), since it manages to pay homage to its origins while providing a "new" experience that anyone can jump into, young or old.

My biggest complaint was Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong. I just didn't feel like that "huh huh huh" laugh fit the character at all. The rest of the roles were surprisingly well cast, and I didn't even miss the stereotypical Italian accents. My favorite character was probably Lumalee because her role hinged on some really depressing truths. Also fun to see a certain fan favorite Easter egg, if you stay to the very end of the credits. Feels like it could easily spawn many sequels since this one barely touched upon the lore.

3 Tanooki Suits out of 5

The Garfield Movie (2024)

As a kid, I used to read Garfield comics religiously (along with Peanuts and Calvin & Hobbes), but besides the '80s cartoon and TV specials, none of the recent efforts to revive the character have ever seemed to get it right. I feel like they sanded down the edges here and made him as innocuous and dull as possible. All the cutesy-eye kitten stuff was okay, but besides the brief montage of him growing up, we don't really get to see too much of the true Garfield personality. It also really bothered me that Jon Arbuckle was so estranged from the events of this film, since he's always been a big part of why the comics worked for me. Instead, we're given this weird father-son dynamic that never existed in the comics and now appears to be a permanent staple of this reboot. I mean, I realize it's a family movie designed to appeal to kids, so I'm no longer the target audience. But that just makes me feel so fucking old and obsolete when I think back to all those countless hours I spent invested in those comics and televised adventures, only for them to reinvent the mythos and throw out the "canon."

Also, I don't know what voice Chris Pratt was trying to do here, but this wasn't it. And hiring Samuel L. Jackson to play his pop is just really weird. Even Odie's characterization seemed to be off, but whatever. I don't know why I'm investing so much of myself into this dumb shit. It's just a bummer all around.

1½ milk heists out of 5