Shakespeare in Love (1998)

Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck in the same film is enough to have me running hurriedly in the opposite direction, but there are exceptions to every rule, even when the rules are of my own making.
Shakespeare in Love is a costumed comedy of romance set in the days when just walking under a window was a hazardous activity. Will (Joseph Fiennes) is without a muse and his writing is suffering. His patrons are without a play to stage and their pockets are shrinking. Everything hinges on the bard overcoming his block, but instead of turning his attentions to paper and quill, like fortune's fool he turns them instead toward a woman he can’t have.
The excellent script weaves a fanciful reality with literary fiction, causing lateral friction for everyone and never once overstays its welcome.

4 stolen measures out of 5

Steel Magnolias (1989)

A film based on a stage play by Robert Harling about a group of six Louisianan women and the close-knit bonds they forge.
It skips forward years at a time, eschewing a traditional structure. If you over-analyse it you’ll be left with fragments that don’t satisfy in a meaningful way; they need to be viewed as a whole in order to make any kind of impact. The happenings are set during times that are markers, annual festivals or public holidays, alongside more distinctly personal events like a wedding, etc. Ultimately, it explores the consequences of either choosing to hold or choosing to play the hand of cards that life deals, while simultaneously celebrating the moments in time that shape us.

3½ mysterious ways out of 5

A Walk Among the Tombstones (2014)

Writer/director Scott Frank attempts to bring the popular literary figure Matt Scudder, a former NYPD-cop, now private investigator to the silver screen. Liam Neeson's experienced and thoughtful nature lends well to the character. It's obvious he has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and demons in his past. Hired by a drug trafficker (Dan Stevens), he must track down a pair of grisly serial killers who ransom their victims. The film is paced extremely well with a bulk of the proceedings dealing with Scudder's meticulous and determined pursuit. The hit-and-miss supporting cast is really the only blight on the film. While I was impressed with Olafur Olafsson's sullen performance of the third culprit, it's a shame so much runtime was wasted on Scudder's adolescent wingman TJ (Brian Bradley).

3½ unfortunate bullets to the eye out of 5

The Sandlot (1993)

A-la Boy Meets World and A Christmas Story, this coming-of-age tale is narrated from the memory of the main character. This allows for larger-than-life exaggerations which embellish the simple plot. Over-eager to befriend the neighborhood kids, Smalls (Tom Guiry) loses his step-father's prized baseball to a seemingly monstrous junkyard dog. Once the sandlot kids are introduced it becomes a true ensemble affair and while some are given b-stories of their own, a few are sadly left out. I seldom enjoy films involving kids but their acting was rarely annoying and ever endearing.

3 "You're killing me Smalls!" out of 5

The Curse (1987)

With a less than enthusiastic writer and director, this film based on H.P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space never got out of the box. It does closely follow certain events from the source material such as a mysterious meteorite landing near a farm, the subsequent bountiful yet putrid harvest and its catastrophic effects on the farm handlers. But as most HPL adaptations turn out, it never truly captures the essence nor the impact of the descriptive passages in the story. In unsuccessful attempts to frighten the audience with ominous music over scenes of characters drinking the tainted water supply and the degradation of the livestock, it only creates a stale boredom in its stead. The poorly handled ending leaves much to be desired in both logic and fascination.

1 whoring wife out of 5

Amityville III: The Demon (1983)

aka Amityville 3D

Is it third time lucky for the residents of the Long Island house, or another pointless, vapid waste of time? Curb your optimism because it's shit. The story’s hopeless. A reporter turned writer (who doesn't once write) moves into the house to debunk claims that it’s possessed. While there he sucks every bit of tension out of the air with his lack of enthusiasm.
It’s 55 minutes before anything happens. Prior to that there’s nothing, unless you class emptiness and hysterical women as a good time.
The writer of the script used a pseudonym! That’s how bad it is. To add insult to injury they released it in 3D. The majority of the time 3D is a desperate tactic to milk the wallets of fools and doubles as an admission that the product is bad. It still happens. As long as there are fools…

0½ an ephemeral care out of 5

THE INTERVIEW [2014]

Vancouver boys Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg co-direct what would probably be the world's most controversial film of 2014.
A pair of bumbling American tabloid personalities go to North Korea to talk with Kim Jong-un, when they are secretly pulled aside by the CIA to assassinate him instead in the outrageously crass action/comedy The Interview.  It's dim-witted, overly crude, surprisingly violent and offensive, all while managing to toss in a great deal of laughs into the mix at the expense of both the U.S. and North Korea's funny little critter.  In reality had the nation not made such a fuss about the mediocre film, it probably would have disappeared into obscurity within the year...but instead it was hilariously turned into a piece of cinematic history.

2½ Unexpected Journey's out of 5

STRETCH [2014]

Director Joe Carnahan's Stretch channels the same sort of comedic bat-shit crazy adrenaline he gave 2006's crime-caper mess Smokin' Aces.
Patrick Wilson plays a down-in-the-dumps limo driver who races across a Southland Tales-esque LA to run errands for a crazed billionaire (hilariously played by Chris Pine) that enjoys snorting coke, hitting himself, snorting coke and burning things.   On the outside it seems like it's pure chaos being loud & weird for no reason but underneath it's a clever study of fate and confidence in one's own masculinity.  Sure it's heavily flawed in many areas but it races from beginning to end without ever taking a breath you probably won't even notice until hours later.

3 mustaches grown in Hell out of 5

[REC]4: APOCALYPSE [2014]

Jaume Balagueró, co-director of the first two [REC] films, returns along side star Manuela Velasco for what is promised to be the fourth and final instalment of the Spanish horror series.
Taken place immediately after the the events of the second film, we find Ángela mysteriously woken up on a seemingly isolated oil tanker on sea, which is in danger due to her still carrying the deadly virus.  It's a bit of a bumpy ride but returns to the grisly style of the first two films, unlike the hilarious third film (which I actually quite liked).  There's plenty of horrific moments to please fans of the series but also a great deal of "really?" groan-worthy moments that should be taken with a grain of salt if you're willing to reach the end.  Plenty of gory action, "fuck yeah!" kick-ass moments and white-knuckled tension to satisfy yet it never really quite reaches the heights of what a grand finale should be.

3 zombie monkeys out of 5

CORNER GAS: THE MOVIE [2014]

5 years after it went off the air, the quiet little Canadian sitcom is back with it's own feature film, Corner Gas: The Movie.
Nothing much ever happens in Dog River, Saskatchewan, and even the characters cheekily mention nothing's happened since 2009.  Times have been hard, leading to the town going bankrupt, which leaves Brent, Hank, Lacey and the rest of the kind-hearted townsfolk to figure out what to do.  Like most Canadian humor, it's overly simple, harmless and self-deprecating, so it's really easy for anyone in any country to enjoy.  It does nothing to differ itself from the TV series (apart from a fight between a robot and a werewolf), so it looks and feels exactly like an extended episode which should be just fine with anyone familiar with the show.

3 zoos where you pet dudes out of 5

Convoy (1978)

A film based on a song doesn't exactly fill a viewer with confidence, but Convoy is a real gem; and thankfully it's the kind of sharp-edged diamond that cuts, not the kind that buys you a wife.

Rubber Duck and his cohorts spend life on the open road, under blue skies, answerable to no one except the law. Unfortunately, sometimes the law is crooked and action needs to be taken to defend personal freedoms.
Replace the trucks with wagons and the diner with a saloon and you have the kind of Western situation where men are men and anyone not part of the clique is considered suspicious. Logic says the thin plot and recycled motivations shouldn't work, but somehow they do.

3½ mad brother truckers out of 5

NIGHTCRAWLER [2014]

Jake Gyllenhaal gives a ghoulishly unsettling career-defining performance in screenwriter Dan Gilroy's highly unique directorial debut, Nightcrawler.
 Gyllenhaal plays a thief with a severe antisocial personality disorder that starts selling his own footage of accidents and violent crimes to a local Los Angeles news station.  It doubles as a tightly written satirical thriller with a sadistic smirk on it's face and a deeply disturbing, yet oddly alluring, character study, very reminiscent of Taxi Driver or Breaking Bad.  With it's beautifully lit LA night shots, the film reminds one of Drive or Heat but peel away that sleek aesthetic charm you have yourself some delightfully sick shit here that may or may not be funny.  That's for you to judge for yourself.

4 camcorders out of 5

EVERLY [2014]

Director Joe Lynch adds yet another bloody violent action/thriller to your obligatory anti-Christmas movies list with the Salma Hayek led Everly.
It follows the title character as she tries to escape her apartment amidst a hail of bullets, henchman, bat-shit crazy hookers, blade-wielding maniacs and costumed psychopaths.  Once more indie-film America attempts to mimic Asia Extreme and ends with pretty entertaining results, if not a little more brainless.  Hayek does a fine job at brining a lot more character to her role than I suspect was originally written and it works quite well, as the story slowly unfolds revealing more and more to the background.  This is pure C-movie material and never attempts to do anything more with it so don't expect to find any hidden nuances or layers, other than the ladies can kick ass too, even if they are in lingerie or high heels.

2½ silent nights out of 5

BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP [2014]

Director Rowan Joffé's adaptation of  S. J. Watson's thriller novel Before I Go To Sleep is ironically a great film to watch to help you go to sleep.
It tells the story of a woman who wakes up everyday with her memory wiped clean due to a terrible accident she suffered.  Fortunately Nicole Kidman is a delight to watch to distract the viewer from it's countless cliché twists 'n turns, duller than dull dialogue and ridiculous set-up that begs you take it more serious than it should.  Sadly they forget to add in more than two suspects to the mystery so when the big reveal is finally unveiled you wonder why you even bothered to stick around.
In short, it's boring, uninspired and way too predictable for a film that's supposedly built on mystery.

1 camera out of 5

FURY [2014]

Writer/director David Ayer steps away from his usual crooked cop tales with Fury, the fictional World War II story of a five-man tank crew travelling behind enemy lines during final days of the war.
All in all, the film is beautifully shot as grim as it may look, superbly acted, well written war film that is grisly and thoroughly unpleasant.  The film aims to pack a punch but for some reason it never quite hits you where it should, while it also has problems bringing anything new to the table in it's genre.  With that being said, it might not point out anything new to the viewer but certainly does a fantastic job at putting you right in the seat of that tank.  There's no real heroism or glory here, it's just plain violent, senseless and quite frightening.

3½ horse butts out of 5

Reflections in a Golden Eye (1967)

Given the chance I’ll always opt for the director’s preferred version of a film. I’ve never regretted that decision so badly before. John Huston coloured everything with a golden hue to make the title more relevant. It’s as if the film negative has been covered in amber or steeped in piss. It was distracting and hideous. Searching for pictures of the full colour version that was subsequently released turned up imagery that looks beautiful, lively and altogether more appealing. However, with Brando’s incomprehensible accent, awful acting and the stagnant plot being the same, the chances of me ever sitting down to it a second time are nil.

1½ peepers out of 5

JOHN WICK [2014]

The Matrix's Neo stunt double & martial arts coordinator Chad Stahelski makes his directorial debut reuniting with Keanu Reeves on the ridiculously violent revenge flick, John Wick.
Reeves plays a dude who sets out to extract nasty vengeance on the people that killed the dog that his recently deceased wife gave him as a parting gift.  Stahelski creates a pulpy world that's looks like it would be Rian Johnson's version of an Asia Extreme flick...and it acts like one too.  It's carefully planned out hand-to-hand fight sequences are beautifully shot and edited you almost don't notice how senseless the heaps of violence actually is.  With it's gaggle of supporting actors that play like a who's who of violent b-movies of the past 30 years, the film has it's audience already set in but won't find anyone looking for intelligent substance or afterthoughts.  It's a gorgeous looking guilty pleasure with very limited redeeming qualities and that's okay with me.

3 Boogeymen out of 5

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING [2014]

Eddie Redmayne's mesmerizing and powerful performance as English theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking is easily the main reason why I would recommend seeing director James Marsh's biographical drama The Theory Of Everything.
It follows Hawking's days at Cambridge University in the 1960's as he is diagnosed with motor neuron disease while he's falling in love with his future wife and coming up with some of his own soon-to-be revolutionary theories on time & space.  Aided by some fantastic supporting performances, particularly Felicity Jones, the film is lifted higher than it's actual writing which doesn't quite explore everything about the man it could have.  Fortunately it's acting, precise direction & photography and moving score from Jóhann Jóhannsson make it feel well worth the time invested in it.

3½ American accents out of 5

Don't Say a Word (2001)

An average thriller that occasionally thrills but mostly errs. It’s about a resourceful psychiatrist, a troubled girl in his care and a team of bad guys who want something and will go to stupid lengths to get it.
The elaborate set-ups make no sense whatsoever when you apply them to what’s actually going on. There are plot holes all over. How someone in the creative process didn't spot them is a mystery. Perhaps while looking they fell into a sizeable one and were never heard from again?
Brittany Murphy does well with what she's given. It co-stars Sean Bean, so you get to add value by playing the Does Sean Die? game.

2½ needles out of 5

Children of the Damned (1964)

It presents itself as a sequel to the same John Wyndham novel that Village of the Damned (1960) was based on, not a follow-up to the film. Perhaps they thought that would satisfy viewers who would question the changes made to the implied origin of the children and the complete reversal of their function. It also adopts a more world view, upping the paranoia from small town concerns to larger, international levels.
The virgin births and church setting are less than subtle, but I did wonder was it being too obvious for a reason? Questioning what you're seeing is essential to broadening the simple analogy framework.
It's not as creepy as Village, but it has a threatening charm of its own.

3½ united fronts out of 5

Village of the Damned (1960)

Quality sci-fi based on John Wyndham’s novel, The Midwich Cuckoos (1957).
The B+W cinematography is a thing of beauty. It throws the white-haired children into stark relief, making them even more menacing than they would be otherwise. The pastoral English countryside has a similar effect in a more delicate way: that something so horrifying could happen in a place so peaceful makes us think nowhere is really safe. Taking that thought deeper still, the means by which the visitations happen shows how vulnerable the sanctity of the species’ entire evolution really is. It’s scary food for thought to be digested in silence.

4 things afoot out of 5

The Legend of Hell House (1973)

Ignore the misleading poster art. It’s a classic British-made haunted house story that relies on atmosphere and dust, not blood and gore. It’s the usual setup: a small group of people, among them a parapsychologist and a medium or two, enter a haunted house to search for evidence of ghostly activity. What’s unusual is the stylistic framing and the very eerie audio that when paired with some fine performances from the small cast help it exceed its failings in other areas. The story, adapted to screen by Richard Matheson from his own book Hell House (1971), takes a few odd turns that will divide viewer opinion, but they add to the strangeness of it all.

4 residuals out of 5

THE MAZE RUNNER [2014]

Director Wes Ball makes his feature length debut with the first instalment of The Maze Runner series, based on James Dashner's youth-oriented sci-fi novels of the same name written.
It follows the story of a teenage boy who awakens to mysteriously find himself trapped in an all-boys imprisonment surrounded by a maze that's seemingly impossible to escape.  The creepy atmosphere and themes explored play like Lord Of The Flies found it's way into the world of LOST that makes for an enticing tale to watch unfold with many unpredictable new corners to turn in this dystopian world.  It's obviously an attempt to cash-in on popularity of The Hunger Games, but TMR is darker, stranger and filled with a cast of stronger actors with more interesting roles to play.  Right out of the gates this ball is rolling and never stops until the end credits which leaves me eagerly anticipating the films to follow.

3 nights inside the maze out of 5

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS [2014]

The Flight Of The Conchords' Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi co-write & direct the New Zealand horror/comedy What We Do In The Shadows.
A very Kiwi-humored mockumentary about a pack of vampires who all happen to be flatmates in Wellington and how they're just trying to get by unnoticed, even if a camera crew is following them around everywhere.  It's more silly than silly and is packed with enough laughable moments amidst all the gallons and gallons of blood.   The film takes it's creature lore very seriously, which is nice but the laughs are first and foremost, which reminded me a lot of how Shaun Of The Dead approached their zombies.  It doesn't quite pack enough wit to make it a classic but is funny enough to recommend to anyone even remotely interested by it's foolish concept.

3 dark biddings on the internet out of 5

Taken 3 (2014)

Olivier Megaton takes the directorial reigns again as Bryan Mills fights to clear his name when he is framed for his ex-wife's murder. This time on American soil, he must circumnavigate the police and one very crafty detective (Forest Whitaker). While Neeson is usually cast now as the grisly yet crafty veteran, I really saw his age in a few of the chase scenes. The camerawork covers it up with nauseatingly jarring close-up shots and movements. I found the vehicular chase scenes completely laughable and groan-inducing. But the close-combat hand-to-hand fight sequences were the true highlight of the film. Predictable twists and a mountain of plotholes and corn-veniences aside, the third installment keeps up the action and thrills despite an aging Neeson.

2½ unwanted crotch shots out of 5

Candy (1968)

Everyone wants a piece of Candy. Her innocence and willingness to do good land her in a lot of water and not all of it’s hot.
It's a satire based on the book by Terry Southern, a significant player in the counter-culture movement of the 1960s. It attracted a quality cast, so I assume it was considered of great importance among cult viewers of the era, but it's nothing more than a string of farcical sexual encounters and a number of great men embarrassing themselves thrown haphazardly together. That may well have been Dir. Christian Marquand's intention, but for me the absurdity never really satisfied.

1 Beatle in the bushes out of 5

HECTOR AND THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS [2014]

Director Peter Chelsom's adaptation of French psychologist François Lelord's fictional novel Hector's Voyage or the Search for Happiness feels like it's 2014's The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty.
Simon Pegg plays the title role as a psychiatrist that travels the world to seek out what truly makes a person happy.  Pegg is absolutely wonderful, displaying layers and nuances in his performance I didn't actually think he was capable of, while Rosamund Pike is as always irresistible.  Chelsom wisely plays down the fish out of water moments and instead focus mainly on the characters studies and what it all means, while remaining playful with bits of animation and miniature set pieces.  Unfortunately the film is weighed down by schmaltzy simplicity and life lessons that are easier said than done but in the end the good feelings can't be denied no matter how fleeting they may be.

3 Tintins out of 5

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969)

Maggie Smith is a National Treasure. As Jean Brodie she takes the bar of excellence and raises it until it’s no longer even visible.
It’s adapted from a stage play that was itself adapted from a book, meaning it’s been trimmed and honed to absolute perfection. Events unfold in an Edinburgh girls’ school during the 1930s, an institution that follows the status quo like an obedient dog with tail firmly between legs. The well-spoken, progressive Miss Brodie is the antithesis of that. Her teaching methods aren't found on the curriculum, but her girls go on to be exceptional, although perhaps not in the eyes of a conservative society.
My weak synopsis doesn't do it justice; it's an extraordinary film.

5 vigorous vocations out of 5

BIG EYES [2014]

In the last 12 years or so, I've thought Tim Burton's only truly good films have been the ones excluding the involvement of Johnny Depp and Big Eyes continues this theory.
It tells the true story of 50's pop artist Margaret Keane (terrifically played by Amy Adams) who finds herself in a heap of problems when her husband successfully takes credit for all her work.  As odd as the story might be, Burton never ventures off into his trademark kooky visuals (with the exception of a few disturbing "daydreaming" moments) and that's where the film works best.  It's maturity shines brightly over a sadly still-relevant social commentary on feminism and the love of being to create your own art for your own sake, which may or may not be obvious to Burton working on one his first independent films in many, many years.

4 postcards & posters out of 5

BIG HERO 6 [2014]

Disney finally milks the inevitable cashcow of using their ownership of Marvel and developing an animated film, based on the little known mini-series Sunfire & Big Hero 6.
The Disney-ized version of Big Hero 6 is notably cuter and not really at all like it's source material but still follows it's basic idea and characters, excluding Silver Samurai (who mostly sort of appeared in 2013's The Wolverine instead).  The changes will probably tick-off hardcore fans of the comics but, really, it's for the better because there's almost next to nothing wrong with this wonderfully crafted film.  It's cleverly tight pacing, refreshingly unique backdrop and beautifully rendered animation all compliment the big ol' heart that will touch even the oldest of souls.

4 inevitable after-credits Marvel scenes out of 5

The Devil's Hand (2014)

aka Where the Devil Hides

Six daughters born on the sixth day of the sixth month. Yup, them bitches are evil. Based on the title one would assume this is a supernatural thriller but it turns out to be a pretty standard slasher. Strangely taking place in an Amish sect in present day, the six are accosted by not only a stealthy hooded killer but by their community, led by the religious despot Elder Beacon, played by Colm Meaney in a creepy yet powerful performance. It's actually a particularly decent slasher but when the supernatural elements come into play in the third act it becomes yet another Satanic story with an overly cliche twist.

2 shunnings out of 5

Terror Tract (2000)

aka The House on Terror Tract

Real estate agent Bob Carter (John Ritter) plays storyteller as he details the troubled histories of three houses in this comedic anthology horror. The first ("Nightmare") is a simple sordid tale of murder and guilt with a twist. Reminiscent of The Tell-Tale Heart, this one is rather straightforward and predictable. The dark humor is most prevalent in the second segment ("Bobo"). Bryan Cranston plays a doting father who must deal with his daughter's beloved yet oddly dangerous pet monkey. The third ("Come to Granny") is the weakest as it hardly involves the home in question. The film's wraparound builds well between segments but sadly ends without a decent payoff. Ritter's increasingly frantic performance is what truly sells this B-movie.

2 Buff Bagwells out of 5

Smokey and the Bandit III (1983)

Burt Reynolds slides in for a very brief cameo but otherwise Part III is mostly about Sheriff Buford T. Justice and Cledus (Snowman). Buford's son, Junior, Big Enos and Little Enos also have significant roles.
Jackie Gleason's character could easily carry a film if the script was good, but it isn't. If you want the perfect Smokey experience then you might want to consider stopping after the first one.
If the fabled alternate version of the film (Smokey IS the Bandit) does exist, and if it was shelved for being worse than what we actually got, then it’s probably best if it stays buried in the vault.

1 tick turd out of 5

LUCY [2014]

Writer/director Luc Besson sets out to have great fun with the ludicrous sci-fi/thriller Lucy.  Whether or not the audience has as much fun depends on their ability to suspend their disbelief.
Scarlett Johansson plays a drug mule who gains amazingly cool psychokinetic abilities when the drug accidentally leaks into her bloodstream and opens up previously unused parts of her brain.  It's an interesting role that plays like a hybrid of her Avengers' Black Widow role and the alien from Under The Skin, while Besson seems to channel Inception, Limitless and 2001: A Space Odyssey.   What's frustrating is it tries appear smarter than it really is by getting into the science of things, which is more distracting than interesting.  It's nothing but good ol' fashion SFX action with a great cast the elevates it just a bit more than it might deserve.

3 Dinkineshs out of 5

Smokey and the Bandit II (1980)

Smokey II is a number two in more than one sense of the word. Bandit and Snowman are once again picking up and dropping off for the Enos brothers, this time from Florida to Dallas, but the package is a little different than before. The same can be said of the comedy. Instead of relying on the natural comedic relationships that exist between the cast, the script is much too contrived and many of the set-ups fall flat. Things do improve once they get on the road, but by then it’s too little too late, sadly.

2½ pork rolls out of 5

Zatoichi Meets the One-Armed Swordsman (1971)

The blind swordsman's 22nd film was a crossover event that added the Chinese hero/anti-hero Fang Kang to the cast. You’d expect that to result in a Chanbara/Wuxia hybrid, but in my version the ratio is about 90:10 in favour of the Japanese technical style. The Chinese cut reportedly had more Fang Kang screen time, but I can’t find it for sale anywhere.
It’s a violent film with a cultural message that’s clear to read and an ending that leaves you with plenty to think about.

3 language barriers out of 5

YES MAN [2008]

I wanted to watch something forgettable, not very good but somewhat entertaining to pass the time as I gave my brain a rest.
Director Peyton Reed's Jim Carrey vehicle Yes Man seemed to fit that description to a tee.
Carrey plays a man who decides he has to say "yes" to everything in order to start living life in a better way...the results are sometimes hilarious.  30 seconds into the trailer of the film you'll predict the beginning, middle and end, so if you're expecting more than be prepared to be laughed at.
It isn't very good...at all...but it did it's job and for that I commend it.

2 Prisoners of Azkaban out of 5

MISS MEADOWS [2014]

Writer/director Karen Leigh Hopkins' oddball thriller Miss Meadows is one of those films that almost worked but misses the mark with dire consequences.
Katie Holmes is effective as a prim & proper school teacher that isn't afraid to bury a bullet in your head if you're on the wrong side of the law.  It's a bit silly but Holmes somehow makes it work no matter how clumsy the writing and direction is at times.  It can be quite enjoyable at times but sadly it places itself too much in reality it loses it's charm.  If it were to take place in a Bryan Fuller dreamy reality it would have been that much better it somehow more believable.

2½ accordion jams out of 5

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES [2014]

The final part of Peter Jackson's over-bloated Hobbit trilogy brings us to a mildy under-whelming farewell to the cinematic world of Middle Earth.
The Battle Of The Five Armies will satisfy hardcore fans of Jackson's vision but will more than likely bore anyone uninterested with it's constant attack of CGI battles and creepy crawlies.  It might be billed as "the defining chapter" but one can't help but feel it's not much more than a generous helping of fan service.  With all that out of the way, as a fan, it's a pretty jaw-dropping spectacle with many an applause worthy sequence and giddy-inducing moments leading into the Lord Of The Rings.  

3 bears falling out of the sky out of 5

Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

The Bandit and his buddy attempt to transport a truckload of contraband across state lines, but a disgruntled Sheriff—the Smokey of the title—and a drove of state troopers have a hard-on for him all the way.
The majority of the film is nothing more than an extended chase scene in which our heroes attempt to overcome complications and outsmart Smokey, but it never gets boring. The chemistry between the confidently smug Burt Reynolds and an adorable Sally Fields is perfect. Throw some country music into the mix and you have a classic on your hands.

3½ big ten-fours out of 5

Veronica Guerin (2003)

The story of a real life journalist who dared to expose the murky depths of organised crime in Dublin during the 1990s, at a time when the Gardai (police) were useless or had their hands tied by legislature.
Guerin is written as being either noble or reckless, depending on your point of view of how someone with a young child ought to perform. What’s less up for argument is that she’s a ballsy crusader for justice.
Schumacher keeps it realistic, with violence that’s swift and brutal. There’s a tendency for viewers to pair realism with fact. I don’t know if that’s the case, so I can only judge it as a film. In that respect it’s well-paced, even if the initial intent gets pushed aside somewhat in favour of a drama about who’s the boldest and bravest in a struggle between right and wrong.

3 interventions out of 5

Zatoichi at the Fire Festival (1970)

The blind swordsman's 21st film isn't an overly bloody affair, but there’s a fine balance of action and characterisation and even some very funny comedy during a frenetic bath house fight.
It was celebrated director Kenji Misumi’s sixth Zatoichi; he was the man that started the series eight years previously. He’s better known in the West as director of four of the Lone Wolf and Cub films.
For a series to still be this good after so many entries isn't unique to Japan but they are surely the masters at it. Most struggle after a trilogy.

3½ expensive wind chimes out of 5

Strange Days (1995)

A sci-fi drama set in L.A during the last days of 1999. It was co-written by James Cameron, so it’s typically overblown and overlong but there’s a solid story within. Lenny is a black market trader of real life experiences, recorded moments seen through someone else’s eyes that can be re-lived by anyone. Want to know what infidelity is like without ever laying hands on another person? Lenny can provide. Of course, there’s an even darker side to human activity that can also be exploited.
Lenny’s life moves at a fast pace and the camerawork reflects that. It's not as nauseating as it could've been, but nor is it wholly beneficial to the story.
Most of the acting is good, though. My favourite being Angela Bassett; everyone needs a friend like Angela.

3 squids on heads out of 5

Sex Tape (2014)

Director Jake Kasdan reunites with cast from Bad Teacher in this wacky lowbrow comedy written by Jason Segel. In an attempt to spice up their sex life, a reluctantly ordinary couple film a homegrown porn but end up accidentally sending it to all their friends, family and co-workers via the cloud. The all-too-modern subject matter is fitting in this age of apps and iPads but it still comes off somewhat dated. I would hate to watch this film two years from now. Supporting performances from Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe and Jack Black add some memorable, offbeat scenes but most of the comedy delivered between the principal actors falls flat.

1½ Schlomits out of 5

The Calling (2014)

Susan Sarandon, in a rather uninspired role of narcotics abuser and listless rural cop, is on the trail of a series of ritualistic murders. With the help of the rookie transfer (Topher Grace) and her fellow detective (Gil Bellows), they narrowly stumble onto each lead. Despite being pegged as a thriller in the trailer, the pace is extremely slow and many of the performances lackluster. It's blatantly obvious this is director Jason Stone's first feature. I did however find some creep factor in the cinematography portraying the bleak Ontario winter and the performances from Donald Sutherland and Christopher Heyerdahl.

2 attention-getting tennis balls out of 5

Grim Prairie Tales (1990)

While the fusion of western and anthology horror might sound wrong on paper, it succeeds here. Two distinctly opposite travelers (Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones) share one campfire and trade in the only currency available to them: tall tales. The initial segment is basic and one-note but each subsequent story raises the bar with macabre details and thought-provoking conclusions. The wraparound is almost as interesting as the fictions contained therein with Dourif and Jones intensely discussing the nature of storytelling itself. The film lacks in most points of production value but with a mere sole campfire lighting up our imaginations, it scarcely matters.

3½ man eaters out of 5

Blood & Donuts (1995)

This oddball Canadian production begins with a stray golf ball knocking hibernating vampire Boya (Gordon Currie) out of his 20-year slumber. You might think that one-in-a-million shot would lead to an epic story fraught with danger and intrigue but you couldn't be more wrong. The story consists of Boya falling for a waitress (Helene Clarkson) at a donut shop while guarding his cab driver friend (Louise Ferreira) from pesky local mobsters (including David Cronenberg in a cameo appearance). That's pretty much it. While the dialogue is smartly written and the performances do have their charm, you can't help but realize how pointless and lacking it all is.

2½ philosophical bowling shoe analogies out of 5

He's My Girl (1987)

The young struggling musician Bryan (David Hallyday) just won a contest to fly to LA and perform his music on television but there's a catch: he must bring a female date. The reason why is never fully explained but is quickly shrugged off the instant his best friend and most loyal supporter Reggie (T.K. Carter) disguises himself in full drag as "Regina". In many places the role of logic is cast out to make room for more he/she comedy, but it doesn't affect the film too much as Carter's flamboyant and OTT performance as Regina is pure '80s cheese. Though the con does lose its steam with the climax coming very late in the story. Comedic performances from David Clennon and Jennifer Tilly aid in rounding out the film.

2 strange reunions for Nauls and Palmer out of 5

Highlander: The Source (2007)

The fifth and final film tries to answer the questions that most of us have been asking from the beginning: how and why did they become immortal in the first place? Some things are better off not being answered.
Being a lover of Asian cinema means that I find the majority of Western fight scenes badly edited and boring, especially with swords, but the fight at the end of The Source took the shit-cake and gorged on it. There's nothing to recommend here, other than to avoid it completely.

0½ rope burn out of 5

Highlander: Endgame (2000)

Endgame hammers another contradictory nail into the coffin of continuity for the franchise. It features both movie MacLeod and TV MacLeod (Adrian Paul, another fake Scot, he's a Londoner). Together the two heroes attempt to stop a powerful immortal who talks a lot of villainous crap from exhausting every cliché in the book before the film's end.

The first fifteen minutes lack flair but are genuinely exciting. Events take a dive thereafter amid too many flashbacks and a mess of a story. 'There can be only one as many as needed,' it seems. The post-fight ending, though horribly realised in CGI, was at least memorable.
Wiki mentions a longer Producer's Cut. I haven't seen it.

1½ tomorrows out of 5