A Working Man (2025)

New year, new Statham.

This time he's a construction worker/ex-Marine who is tasked with recovering a missing girl and—you know what? It doesn't matter. Heads get bashed. There are a lot of people speaking in vague Eastern European accents. Bald goons a dime a dozen. This wasn't half as good as The Stath's last effort. It feels like it's being made for the lowest common denominator. The schtick is wearing thin. 

Tune in next time. Same Stath time. Same Stath channel.

1 tipped chair out of 5

The Woman in the Yard (2025)

Simple premise. A poor family lives out in the boonies where a woman clad in all black sets up camp in their front yard. No-frills. This is compelling stuff.

3 backwards Rs out of 5

The Actor (2025)

"People always talk about happy endings. I think beginnings are much happier. You still have the whole movie ahead of you."

An actor struggling with memory loss tries to find his way back home. There's a bit of a Memento feel as it unfolds piece by piece, in a dreamlike fashion. It becomes apparent before long that certain actors are playing different roles, like a theater troupe in a play. Is it a stylistic choice or something profound?

This live-action film was directed by stop-motion filmmaker Duke Johnson, one-half of those responsible for the wonderful Anomalisa, and as such, the film has distinct Charlie Kaufman vibes, although he only serves as executive producer here. It's actually based on Donald Westlake's neo-noir mystery novel, Memory, originally written in 1963 (but released posthumously in 2010).

It feels like this movie has a point but it never quite manages to gets there. Its meaning escapes me, but I'm sure it was meant to be poignant.

2½ chairs out of 5

Death of a Unicorn (2025)

A family hits a unicorn with their car and promptly learns about the magical healing properties it possesses, and the potential for scheming and marketing opportunities that presents. The shitty unicorn CGI looks horrendous and takes away from any possible gravitas this movie may be trying to muster. For such a wild and imaginative premise, this should have been a lot more fun than it is. As a lackluster, uninspired horror comedy, it's what the kids would call "mid."

2 glowing horns out of 5

Snow White (2025)

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, what is the shittiest remake of all?

Oh, it's not that bad. A Latina playing the part of Snow White with "skin as white as snow" is akin to hiring a black woman to play a redhead in The Little Mermaid. It's like Disney is intentionally creating ragebait to poison the apple of conversation. Similarly, we've replaced little people (literal dwarves) with hideous-looking CGI trolls. All in the name of social progress, you see.

The latest in a series of politically correct live-action remakes of Disney animated classics stars Rachel Zegler as the titular princess who is ousted from her kingdom into the woodlands by an Evil Queen (Gal Gadot) who lives up to her name. This was such a nothingburger. Zegler elevates every scene she's in, but somehow it all feels so empty, like a mere shell of a story. There is magic in her voice and in the music, but the dwarfs are out of a fever dream. Despite the beauty of the forest, it's filled with glaring CGI and uncanny valley hell. There's an otherworldliness to the proceedings, but it feels like all these disparate elements at play don't coalesce into anything meaningful.

As one can deduce from the shortened title, the focus here is on Snow White herself, not on any of the aforementioned dwarfs. Likewise, the prince has been excised from the story completely, and replaced by a mere commoner. They only employ three of the eight songs from the original film and create their own to fill out the soundtrack, which leaves the viewer with a confusing and jarring mishmash of old and modern styles that work to varying effect.

Despite all the cosmetic changes, the general framework of the story remains the same, so it turns out they made a big fuss over nothing. There's a reason why people usually default to the original; and that's because there was nothing fundamentally wrong with it in the first place.

2 shitty-looking Docs out of 5

Note: This film has languished in different stages of development hell since March 2020, so it's like the universe was trying to prevent it from getting made. After the financial losses they suffered, I bet Disney wishes it hadn't.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

The Disney animated classic that started it all. Based on the Grimms' fairy tale, it tells the story of a princess who is banished from her kingdom by an evil stepmother who envies her youth and beauty. She seeks refuge in the forest where she encounters seven dwarfs, each possessing unique characteristics.

This film is quite simply a marvel of its time and cannot be ignored in the annals of film history, having influenced every bit of cel animation that came after it. It's a triumph that still holds up in all its simplicity and elegance, pure heart and true love's kiss notwithstanding. The songs are catchy and will have you humming long after it's over. Its values can still be looked up to today. 

5 tantalizing red apples out of 5

The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie (2024)

After Coyote vs. Acme got shit-canned a couple of years ago, I was surprised to see a new Looney Tunes movie on the horizon that actually got released. 

Daffy Duck and Porky Pig live in a dilapidated house in desperate need of repair, so they decide to (*gasp*) get a job at a bubblegum factory which appears to front an extraterrestrial plot. Before long, the entire town has been taken over by chewing gum-induced alien mind control. The rest is Looney Tunes-inspired madness that blends a bunch of different classic styles harkening back to the golden age of animation (though some of the modern tricks seem to owe more to the likes of Ren & Stimpy). I can't help but feel that this material could have been better served as a short film, but I can't knock traditional animation. It just feels overly familiar and largely uninspired.

2½ twerking Daffys out of 5

Note: Besides Petunia Pig, no other classic Looney Tunes characters appear in this film. Sorry, Foghorn Leghorn fans.

Finch (2021)

After the world has been rendered to unlivable conditions by solar flares, rising temperatures and unpredictable weather events (forcing everyone to move underground), a man and his trusty dog struggle to survive. Realizing he's slowly dying of radiation poisoning, Finch decides to build a companion robot in order to take care of his dog when he's gone, entrusting his life to it, as they set off in a reinforced RV to escape an approaching deadly storm.

Despite the very sad (and prescient) nature of the film, I adored it. It's a very stripped down sci-fi story that focuses on relationships above all. The characterization of Jeff was very well done and reminded me of Johnny 5 (Short Circuit) at times. There's something about friendly robots which is really comforting to me. It's too bad this movie got buried on the Apple TV+ platform. It makes the scale of this movie seem much smaller than originally intended.

3 games of fetch out of 5

The Electric State (2025)

In an alternate timeline, Walt Disney's animatronics have given birth to the robot uprising, which leads to an all-out war between robots and humans, until Mr. Peanut (played by Woody Harrelson) signs a coalition with Bill Clinton. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I'm not. No wonder it cost $320 million for a direct-to-Netflix film. Most of that must have gone to keeping the lawsuits at bay.

While the above sounds like a wild premise, all that information is condensed within the first 7 minutes of the movie. The rest of the film involves a teenage girl and an affable cartoon robot on a mission to find her long-presumed-dead brother, alongside a scoundrel and his wisecracking sidekick. On paper, this all sounds awesome, but for some reason it doesn't really work. The execution is painfully average and somehow manages to feel slow and uneventful despite everything going on in it. There's just no reason some movies need to be over two hours long. Cut 30 minutes out and maybe it wouldn't feel so superfluous.

The graphic novel this was based on appears to be highly acclaimed however, so perhaps interested parties should seek that out instead.

2 Neural Bifurcation™s out of 5

In the Lost Lands (2025)

It's been about a decade since I've seen the last of Paul W. S. Anderson (the lesser of the Paul Andersons), but here he is back again flaunting his wife Milla Jovovich in a painfully generic action fantasy flick that stretches George R. R. Martin's source material way past the point of credulity. It contains all the charm and intelligence of an empty video game cutscene. As I sat there for the duration of the 101 minutes (feeling every second pass), I contemplated the composition of the shots and all the ugly, murky, washed out CGI and cheesy blue screen effects. The color palette literally looks like shit; all browns and yellows. When is Paul W.S Anderson going to get his director's card revoked? It goes without saying that I did not care about a single thing that was happening on the screen and I breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally over. Honestly, I can't even complain; this one was completely on me.

This piece of shit made Werewolves look like absolute cinema by comparison.

0 full moons out of 5

Opus (2025)

John Malkovich (channeling Nicolas Cage) plays what amounts to a cult leader at a commune under the guise of a musical prodigy who has just come out of retirement. Ayo Ebediri plays the only rational character in the film who questions his motives and all the weirdness surrounding them. It's a bit of the horror comedy persuasion (not unlike Get Out and Blink Twice), but feels like it could have gone much, much further. Standards must be slipping over at A24.

2½ bites of the communal bread out of 5

Black Bag (2025)

An espionage thriller about a British intelligence officer and his wife who investigate an internal leak among four other spies. It's a premise that starts out intriguing and shrouded in mystery, but quickly proves to be dry and dull as ditchwater. It's the kind of film that thinks it's cleverer than the audience, but joke's on them: I didn't give a single shit about any of it in the first place.

The good thing about Steven Soderbergh is if you don't like one of his movies, just wait 6 months, and he'll come out with another one.

2 polygraphs out of 5

Riff Raff (2024)

Ed Harris plays a reformed criminal in a blended family who is inconvenienced when his former wife, his son and his bride-to-be come to visit, who are being hunted down by two relentless hitmen that make their lives a living hell. As a dark comedic thriller, this movie is a bit of a mess in its feeble and meandering execution. I'm not sure how this even landed in theaters because it screams direct-to-streaming to me. Even the bumbling team of Bill Murray and Pete Davidson (never thought those two would be paired together) left me wanting more. And poor Jennifer Coolidge just seems like she's typecast at this point.

Also, not sure why they ripped off the theme to Howard Shore's After Hours.

2 guys named Roger out of 5

Novocaine (2025)

Nathan Caine is a mild-mannered bank manager with an extreme case of CIPA (Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis), which basically means he feels nothing. When the girl of his dreams is taken hostage during a bank robbery, he sets out in pursuit, setting off a chain of events in motion which set the stage for plenty of violent antics at his expense. It's a fun premise that runs dry quickly and isn't quite clever enough to sustain an entire feature. There is a lot of potential to be had with a man who is impervious to pain, but the film doesn't do enough with it and leaves it all on the table. Jack Quaid brings plenty of charm to the role and makes it watchable, if not forgettable.

2½ epi-pens out of 5

Mickey 17 (2025)

Mickey Barnes is an Expendable. Essentially a disposable crew member on a space mission, he serves as a human crash dummy used for test experiments and dangerous missions that usually result in fatality, at which point he gets "reprinted" with all of his prior memories intact, like a video game character. The only rule being that only one clone can exist at a time. It's an intriguing premise for a film, but unfortunately the execution is all over the place. It's a big, sprawling mess that falls disappointingly short of the source material.

3 creepers out of 5

Parasite (2019)

AKA: Gisaengchung

A poor family of grifters attempt to ingratiate themselves within the employ of a wealthy household. A searing satire of monumental proportions, the way this film builds and builds upon itself is brilliant. This stuff is as captivating as Game of Thrones. It's such a fun twisty-turny ride, I'd rather not say anything more about it and let the viewer experience it for themselves. Submitted as a non-English entry at the Oscars, it won awards for Best International Feature as well as Best Picture, the first film of its kind to do so.

5 blinking lights out of 5

Hard Truths (2024)

Mike Leigh's intimate character study of a deeply unhappy woman who lashes out at everyone she comes across, perpetuating the cycle of negativity and bringing everybody down. Marianne Jean-Baptiste is spellbinding in the role and makes it her own, embodying the kind of misery and self-hatred where you retaliate at everybody else in an effort to bring them down to your level. It's such a stark and unsympathetic portrayal of someone in pain, which offers no easy solution. The film doesn't cast judgment on the characters, it simply presents the situation as is. It's a difficult movie that never shies away from deeply uncomfortable moments or asks us to agree with the choices. The title is apropos because there are no concessions or easy ways out. This is one of the most brutally honest movies I've ever seen and it's memorable for that very reason. It's hard to say I "enjoyed" the film per se, but I'll never forget it.

4 bouquets out of 5

Last Breath (2019)

A deep sea diving mission goes horribly wrong when the umbilical cable carrying oxygen gets severed, stranding one of the divers underwater.

This is such an amazing documentary compared to its cinematic counterpart. The most incredible part is all the footage captured prior to the incident that served as inspiration for the film and made this story worth telling. Do they always shoot this much coverage for such a routine job, or was it fortuitous timing? Recreated events are also included, which blur the lines even more.

There comes a moment where you understand why they take certain dramatic liberties in film. One detail is the fact that everyone underwater speaks in high-pitched squeaky voices due to the heliox they're breathing. It's almost completely impossible to take any of it seriously when they sound like Yakko from Animaniacs.

3 diving bells out of 5

Last Breath (2025)

Why don't they ever make movies about true stories where things go right? They only make them when things go terribly wrong. In this tense survival thriller, we're primed to see a deep sea diving mission gone awry. Ironically, it moves very slowly, even in moments where time is of the essence and every second counts. It's a concise film, but somehow still ends up feeling too long.

Director Alex Parkinson adapts the events from his own 2019 documentary.

2½ oxygen reserves out of 5

The Monkey (2025)

Everyone remembers the iconic image of the monkey with cymbals on the cover of Stephen King's Skeleton Crew. Or maybe you're more familiar with the poster of George A. Romero's Monkey Shines. Or perhaps you're conflating both of them, as I did, and thought they were the same story. The symbol of the cursed toy monkey that brought about death held a great deal of potential to the imagination of a young child. Regardless of what fear strikes into your heart upon seeing this poster, it's unwarranted. Oz Perkins stripped most of the dread out of King's original short story and replaced it with an over the top horror comedy that for some reason doesn't work as well as it should. Some of the gore and Final Destination-esque mishaps are fun, but it doesn't congeal into anything solid and feels more like a misguided parody of the genre.

2½ freak accidents out of 5

Theatrical Note: A teaser for Perkins' next film, Keeper, is featured at the very end of the credits.

Monkey Shines (1988)

AKA: Monkey Shines: An Experiment in Fear

After being stricken down in an accident that renders him quadriplegic, a young man is gifted a service animal in the form of a sweet and lovable lab monkey being treated with an intelligence serum, who he quickly develops a close bond with. The first half of this film is genuinely engaging, though it loses some steam as it falls into the more predictable pitfalls of the genre. 

Despite the prevalence of the monkey with cymbals on all the advertisements (reminiscent of Stephen King's short story The Monkey), there were in fact real capuchin monkeys used in the film and the toy never once appears on screen. This has always driven me fucking nuts.

3 monkey mind melds out of 5

Captain America: Brave New World (2025)

Let's recap: Following Steve Rogers's (Chris Evans) retirement in Avengers: Endgame, the shield is passed down to Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie), who makes his transition to Cap in the Disney+ limited series The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Meanwhile, Harrison Ford takes over the role of Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross following the passing of William Hurt in 2022. Still with me?

Let's be clear. The only reason to watch this is for Red Hulk, which was ruined in all the marketing, including every single teaser and poster. That's it. There's nothing else to do but introduce yet another direction for this series to go. All these movies exist to do is cynically set up the next phase of the MCU (we are currently nearing the end of Phase 5 with this and Thunderbolts*). At this point, there are hardly any surprises left. How long can they keep doing this bullshit at the end of the credits where they tease a better movie? How long can they keep getting away with it?

2 gamma pills out of 5

Dog Man (2025)

This is the darkest premise for a kid's movie yet. After surviving an explosion, a man's body is stitched to his dog's head and that somehow makes him a superhero. It sidesteps all the uncomfortable questions: How do all the motor functions work? Who is actually in control, the man or the dog? Why does he sometimes seem intelligent, and other times he's just a dog? Does the man's soul exist trapped within the mind of a dog? He appears to exist in some kind of Orwellian nightmare where he's less than human. But the film never lingers on the horrifying details. I kept getting caught up in the logistics of this world, such as, why do all the cats talk, but the dog can't (not even as a "dog man")?

It's a highly ambitious attempt to establish a new IP, if not frankly exhausting. 

1½ Flippy ki-yay flippy-flippers out of 5

Paddington in Peru (2024)

After his aunt goes missing in Peru, Paddington must go back home to find her, as he gets mixed up with nuns and a riverboat captain on a quest to find El Dorado. If you're a fan of the others, it'll give you what you're looking for, but I didn't find myself as invested as the first two films and it hardly got an emotional response out of me. Most of the fun comes from Antonio Banderas as this entry's villainous lead. It's a cute adventure and the jungle scenery definitely pops on the big screen, but it's diminishing returns at this point.

2½ passport photos out of 5

Note: Emily Mortimer takes over the role of Mrs. Brown from Sally Hawkins, which probably accounts for why it feels so uneven compared to the others.

Paddington 2 (2017)

Paddington's second foray on the big screen picks up not long after the first film. Having fully integrated with his new found family, the titular talking bear takes up a series of odd jobs and is framed for a crime he didn't commit. This time around, Hugh Grant portrays the big bad as a clever master of disguise.

People seem to consider this one superior to the original (due to its 100% "fresh" score and a running gag in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent), but it feels like a much more derivative family film and much less "grounded" in reality. While the humor and warmth is consistent and it remains wholesome and charming, it was massively overhyped for me compared to the original.

3 pop-up books out of 5

Paddington (2014)

An extremely charming British film based on the children's book series of the same name. A talking bear in a red bucket hat and rain slicker migrates from the jungles of Peru to a London railway station where he is discovered and subsequently taken in by the Brown family. What follows is essentially a fish out of water story where Paddington attempts to assimilate with urban life, while trying to avoid a tricky taxidermist (played by Nicole Kidman) looking for her next trophy. It's a heartwarming family film that's perfect for kids of all ages and manages to get the characterization of the books right.

3½ marmalade sandwiches out of 5

The Unbreakable Boy (2025)

"Feel good" movies don't usually work on me and end up having the opposite intended effect, and this one was no different. Based on a true story, a man with a touch of autism meets a woman with a rare brittle bone disease, and—surprise, surprise—their offspring inherits the worst of both worlds. This story is more about the parents than the poor kid himself, who remains positive and upbeat despite the hand he's been dealt. As with most "inspirational" type stories, they have to slip in an unnecessary churchy message just to drive their point home, which the film definitely could have done without. It ends up being another predictably plotted movie and reason #1109 not to have kids.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the prequel to Unbreakable I was promised.

2 jester hats out of 5

Brave the Dark (2023)

Every once in awhile, I'll get roped into seeing one of these Angel Studios productions, which basically releases "inspirational" films with a religious bent. Their output typically ranges from "meh" to "double-meh." This one involves a high school teacher who takes an interest in an orphaned student with a troubled past. It all feels very by the numbers; almost like a made-for-TV melodrama that somehow got released into theaters. It's not too far off from other stories of influential teaching figures, whether it's Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting (hell, anything with Robin Williams passes muster). What we're presented with here is the true story of Stan Deen, an incredibly patient man who helps his pupil to overcome his past difficulties by showing kindness, mercy and understanding. It's not a bad message, it's just the type of cliché bullshit you’ve seen one too many times before.

"This 2 shall pass" out of 5

Flight Risk (2025)

A mob informant and possible flight risk is transported via a small private aircraft by a U.S. Marshal and a pilot when things quickly go sideways. It sounds a bit like Con Air, but it's a much smaller story where all the action takes place entirely on the plane. Director Mel Gibson's thriller is occasionally exhilarating and satisfying, if not predictable and by the numbers. If you have no prior expectations going into it, you might find enough to enjoy in it. 

2½ Indian tech support guys out of 5

Back in Action (2025)

A formulaic action comedy about a married retired spy couple who try to keep their perilous past hidden from their kids. You get the sense they were aiming for something cool and sexy like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but it's all so boring and safe and insultingly predictable. Cameron Diaz came out of "retirement" after a decade in order to star in this shitty Netflix vehicle with Jamie Foxx, but instead delivered an early contender for worst film of the year.

0 petrol pump flame throwers out of 5

Kinda Pregnant (2025)

A single woman in her 40s, obsessed with having a baby since she was a kid, decides to roleplay by wearing a fake baby bump. It's a paper thin premise in which she leads a secret double life reaping the benefits of such newfound attention, with the predictable outcome and consequences. I hate how shallow and formulaic this stuff is, but the insult to injury is the fact that the romantic angle between Amy Schumer and Will Forte is not believable at all. It seems to be a woman's fantasy of what modern love should be, with the man acting docile, subservient and not questioning any of the stupidity that happens in this film. It's an insult to brain cells everywhere.

1 belly flop out of 5

You're Cordially Invited (2025)

Two families book the same island retreat for a wedding weekend and hijinks ensue. One half of the wedding party is young and hip, while the other is older and stuffy, so the sparks fly when they get together. The story isn't very deep, but everyone is so sweet and good-natured, you don't really mind so much. I laughed out loud a lot, which is really all that counts when it comes to a comedy. I kept trying to poke holes in the flimsy plot, but it ultimately won me over with its charming performances. It's not a great movie by any means, but there are a lot of fun moments that tie it all together. It's one of those movies I'm sure I would have enjoyed even more if I wasn't watching it alone.

Also, I spent this entire movie thinking that Meredith Hagner was Kate Hudson.

3 inappropriate daddy-daughter duets out of 5

Will & Harper (2024)

The true story of Will Ferrell's longtime friend and SNL writer Andrew Steele and how she became Harper Steele, as they embark on a cross-country road trip to reacquaint themselves. This film treats its subject very sensitively and presents a candid and compassionate look at the situation, particularly how Will relates to someone he's known all his life, who now presents as someone different. Driving across middle America, stopping off at greasy diners and sporting events, the most unpredictable moments come when other strangers remark upon the situation and that's when the uncomfortable truths come out. Will acts as a support system who runs interference during these difficult times by just being a good friend. More than anything, it serves as a testament to friendship, empathy and lending a sympathetic ear to those in need. Of course, it always helps when your friend is a world renowned celebrity.

3 cans of Pringles out of 5

Young Werther (2024)

The Sorrows of Young Werther was a 1774 text by Goethe based on my life. What would it look like as a modern reinterpretation? Unfortunately, this piece of shit. It reshapes the tragic story as an incredibly lame and conventional rom-com about a self-involved Lothario who has his eyes on a woman who is already engaged to the "perfect" guy. I had often thought about penning this adaptation, but getting the actual characterization right. As the quintessential novel about unrequited love, they completely botched it from start to finish.

1 linden tree that smells like lukewarm ejaculate out of 5

Parthenope (2024)

"It is impossible to be happy in the most beautiful place in the world."

A disarmingly beautiful woman, named after the city of Naples, charms every man she comes across, as she moves adrift through life, becoming aloof to its wonder and beauty. Director Paolo Sorrentino (The Great Beauty, Youth) seems to have a particular affinity for this subject, which I cannot blame him for. Beauty permeates every frame of this film. This movie, much like its heroine, is beautiful and vapid. Sometimes that's just enough to squeak by, but the result is merely skin deep.

2 definitions of anthropology out of 5

Love Me (2024)

These are the kinds of movies I live for. Following the extinction of all life on Earth, a S.M.A.R.T. buoy floating in the ocean communicates with an orbiting satellite as they attempt to decipher the mysteries of life and love through digital recreation. In particular, they reconstruct one couple's social media presence through avatars resembling Kristen Stewart and Steven Yeun. It's a beautiful, esoteric kind of love story where you come at your own meaning.

3½ laughing babies out of 5

Heart Eyes (2025)

Valentine's Day is no stranger to slashers, whether it's My Bloody Valentine (1981) or Valentine (2001) or the My Bloody Valentine remake...and, um...well, that's about it. After a meet cute gone wrong, a woman and a man are chased by a masked killer inspired by the popular emoji whose M.O. involves targeting couples for some reason. It's a mishmash of horror and romantic comedy, but doesn't quite succeed at either. There's not really much more to it, so this nut will be as low effort as the film.

2 metal straws out of 5

Love Hurts (2025)

A friendly real estate agent with a dark secret is reluctantly pulled into a world of murder and intrigue when the past comes catching up with him. This was Ke Huy Quan's first leading man role after winning best supporting actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once, so expectations were sky high, but unfortunately this was a waste of all talents involved. It's a violent action-comedy that ends up feeling like Jackie Chan Lite. I just wasn't feeling it at all.

1½ candy hearts out of 5

The Brutalist (2024)

A Hungarian architect displaced by the war struggles to make the American dream when he comes upon a wealthy family looking to commission an ambitious project. This is an incredibly gripping drama for sure, but for a nearly four hour epic, I almost wish I came away with a better understanding of the characters and themes. It all feels like a hodge-podge of ideas at times. I didn't experience any grand epiphany or an intimate sense of character; it's more about the hardships and the massive undertaking at the center of it. While it's not necessarily what I was expecting, there's no denying the quality of the craft involved: Adrien Brody and Felicity Jones are at the top of their game, Brady Corbet's direction feels assured, and the stark score by Daniel Blumberg is apropos. Also, I'm proud of myself for making it to intermission without needing to take a pee break. It certainly gives you plenty to think about in the margins.

4 unfulfilled handjobs out of 5

Nickel Boys (2024)

A historical drama that puts us directly in the shoes of two young black men, Elwood and Turner, in 1960s Jim Crow era Florida. This film is unique because it's told completely in first-person perspective as we jump back and forth between these two pupils of Nickel Academy reform school, which forces the viewer to experience firsthand the corruption and casual cruelty on display. As always with films based on real events, we know we're heading towards some sort of undefined tragedy, though it keeps its cards close to its vest. Given the social context, you can expect it to be generally harrowing.

3½ street crocodiles out of 5

Queer (2024)

Based on the unfinished novel by Naked Lunch author William S. Burroughs, Queer tells the tale of Lee (Daniel Craig), an American expatriate who putters about Mexico looking to get laid. He becomes infatuated by a much younger man and begins a lopsided, emotionally distant arrangement. As deeply uncomfortable as the material is, the fun comes in the final third of the film via hallucinatory imagery brought on by an ayahuasca trip. Kind of makes me wish I could have fast-forwarded past the first 90 minutes to get there quicker.

3 centipedes out of 5

I'm Still Here (2024)

AKA: Ainda Estou Aqui 

1970s Brazil—An idyllic, loving family unit is broken up by the far-right militia. This is an increasingly sad, painful story of intergenerational heartache and trauma. How it tears apart lives and wears them down psychologically, and how those wounds never heal over the years. It's harrowing to witness, even as the film presents as very empathetic to its circumstances. It goes without saying that the highlight of this film is Fernanda Torres's incredible portrayal as the matriarchal center who has to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. Based on the true story of Eunice Paiva.

4 old coats out of 5

The Room Next Door (2024)

AKA: La habitación de al lado

A war journalist with terminal cancer (Tilda Swinton) decides to willingly end her life and asks that her old friend (Julianne Moore) "be in the next room" when it happens so she won't be alone. This film presents like a two-person play, focusing on sharp dialogue and the relationships between characters. It feels like you're watching two masters at work and remains a very compelling narrative even though you know exactly what's coming. It's an intimate story that only falls apart in its final moments, but it's still well worth the journey.

With 40+ credits to his name, this is Almodóvar's first entirely English feature.

3½ pink snowflakes out of 5

Ghostlight (2024)

A depressed blue-collar worker reeling from an undefined tragedy is folded into a community theater program that doubles as a public therapy session. 

I consider a movie to be successful when it makes you feel real things, even when you have no personal connection to anything that's happening onscreen. This is a film that projects genuine emotion, full of kindness and humanity and empathy. I was fucking puddles by the end. It's a travesty that Keith Kupferer wasn't recognized for his quietly powerful performance examining male grief.

4 depositions out of 5

Presence (2024)

A ghost story told entirely from the ghost's point of view. The narrative is conveyed through its drifting camera work alone. An invisible disembodied spirit floats through the house, while things move around on their own and disturbances are felt by the family living within it. At the center is a teenage girl who the "presence" appears to be trying to contact. It's a unique, touching tale with a gentleness and simplicity reminiscent of A Ghost Story.

3½ mirror images out of 5

Companion (2025)

This is a very annoying movie to nut because of the prevalence of spoilers. The teaser trailer was perfect, but the official trailer gave away the biggest twist that is better off discovering on your own. So, try as I might, I found the one poster that didn't give away anything. Not that it really matters much; if you're interested in this movie at all, you probably already know the basic premise. It involves a couple heading to a weekend retreat at a remote cabin with some friends and...stuff happens. This is probably my vaguest review yet, but it's fun so long as you're kept in the dark.

3 corkscrews out of 5 (-½ for marketing)

Wolf Man (2025)

Leigh Whannell follows up his commercially successful (if creatively bankrupt) The Invisible Man by remaking another classic horror movie for a 21st century audience. Once again, it has to do with toxic men attacking poor defenseless women. This time, one of them just happens to be a loving father.

It essentially tells a small, simple story about a family hunted by a werewolf. Where it succeeds is by slowly building up a dark, brooding atmosphere. Where it falters is by not doing anything different than we've seen before. The original still stands on its own. This one feels sadder, not more scary.

2½ shivers out of 5

The Invisible Man (2020)

A battered women has to deal with her abusive ex-boyfriend who returns to harass her after discovering the secrets of invisibility. You'd think there would be a lot more creative uses for invisibility than torturing your ex, but okay.

Horror movies have always traditionally touched on cultural issues and reflected the times they were made in, but it tends to only be successful when done in a subversive way, not by preaching its agenda to the audience. This film was made at the height of #MeToo and has its sights aimed at abusive high-powered men, which is not immediately the first thing you would expect from this story. I suppose it's a new angle on it, but I hate when a movie gets bogged down by its politics. Almost as if we're supposed to pat ourselves on the back afterwards for agreeing that violence towards women is a bad thing.

2 inexplicable technologies out of 5

The Damned (2024)

Atmospheric horror works best when you've had enough rest beforehand and when you actually give a shit about what's happening on screen. Only one of those things is my fault. On an Arctic fishing outpost in the 19th century, a small crew has run low on resources and resorted to eating their own bait. They discover a boat trapped in the ice, but due to the high risk and their poor starving conditions, decide not to intervene and let the crew sink instead. And they appear to be haunted by this decision. It's a bit of a snoozefest that doesn't really feel like it was worth the effort of staying awake through it.

1½ draugr out of 5

The End (2024)

It seems like at the end of every year, there is a prestige movie concerning the end of the world, whether it's Don't Look Up, White Noise, or Leave the World Behind. The End is a musical about a wealthy family who has survived for two decades in a lavish underground bunker, where they spend their days running emergency preparedness drills, writing memoirs, admiring art and baking cakes, when one day they find another survivor has breached their walls. Michael Shannon sings (!) while Tilda Swinton wears another terrible wig to distinguish it from her other quirky roles. Musicals have an otherworldly quality where you have to suspend your disbelief, so it fits the strangeness of the material well, even though I was already tiring of it long before its excessive two-and-a-half hour mark. There are lots of interesting places this film could have gone, but somehow it manages to sidestep most of them. It just feels like another tremendous waste of potential and it's such a shame. 

2 inopportune farts out of 5