A Merry Little Ex-Mas (2025)

First off, when did Alicia Silverstone and Melissa Joan Hart get so old? Fuck.

A couple still on good terms decide to "consciously uncouple," but still insist on spending Christmas together with the kids, even when the ex has upgraded to a shiny new model. It's your typical Hallmark Netflix holiday movie with the edges rounded off and nothing that would make your grandmother raise an eyebrow. Just going through the motions of its AI-generated script. Utter slop.

0 portable fireplaces out of 5

Elio (2025)

Orphan Elio dreams of being abducted by aliens more than anything in the world. It sounds overly simplistic, but this is a movie where you really have to put yourself into the mind of a child in order to get the most out of it and experience the boundless imagination and wonder it has to offer. Even as it descends into maudlin territory and eventually loses the plot by the end.

Visually, Pixar's latest is dazzling and astounding and in a league of its own, and Rob Simonsen's score sets the stage for a fun, epic sci-fi adventure.

3 eyepatches out of 5