They Will Kill You (2026)

An ex-convict poses as a maid to infiltrate a lavish hotel, searching for her sister who has gone missing, but finding much more than she bargained for. The trailers play it coy and don't reveal its hand, but it's a bonkers, ultra gory, hyper-stylistic cross between Tarantino and Raimi. It plays out a little like Ready or Not: The Lost Levels, and Zazie Beetz's barefoot warrior is highly formidable. Russian director Kirill Sokolov is someone to keep an eye out for.

3 fuck floors out of 5

Fackham Hall (2025)

One of the more clever titles in recent memory (say it with a thick accent), this spoof of stuffy period dramas is a wonderful blend of ZAZ humor and Monty Python irreverence. Like many films of this ilk, it's stuffed with so many gags, you won't be able to catch them all the first time around. Even if you've never seen a Downton Abbey in your life, there's still plenty to enjoy, including the romance at the heart of it. Jimmy Carr lends his particular style of joke writing skill to great use, although it sometimes feels like the edginess is being held back in spite of its R rating. It's funny, but I wish it would have gone harder.

3 fap war injuries out of 5

THE APPARITION [2012]

Ashley Greene and that guy who played Bucky Barnes in Captain America are plagued by a nasty case of mold in the floorboards of their brand new house in Todd Lincoln's supernatural shitfest The Apparition.
It pretty much steals bits from every ghost story you've seen before, including Paranormal Activity, The Grudge, The Amytiville Horror and many more, then somehow strips it of anything remotely scary or interesting.  Clocking in at 82 minutes (12 minutes of that were end credits) surprised me when it felt more like an hour and forty minutes of wasted time.

1 dead dog out of 5