Scarface (1983)

Pacino stars in a film directed by De Palma from a screenplay by Oliver Stone. With talent like that involved you know you’re in for something special.
Al plays a Cuban refugee in America, fresh off the boat. He’s hardened from the outset but his resolve solidifies even more when he equates the US political situation with his own. To escape it he pursues the American Dream, violently working his way up the ladder of excess, except the ladder in his case is more of a mountain that’s made from cocaine and cash that's lit from above by the neon pink and blue colours of 80s vice.
There are some old school De Palma moments throughout but mostly he plays things straight, allowing the story and the actors to be the main focus. It’s a long film but it needed to be.

4½ monogrammed furnishings out of 5

The New Barbarians (1983)

aka Warriors of the Wasteland

The man known as Scorpion (Giancarlo Prete) is a survivor, having weathered both the nuclear war that turned the world into a wasteland and the vicious gangs that sprang up afterwards. Luckily for Scorpy, his car survived too.
It resembles Mad Max as shot on a 1980s BBC Dr Who budget and is considered a part of Castellari’s Bronx Trilogy for reasons I don’t quite understand.
The freshly mown grasslands betray the supposed wasteland setting, but what bugged me more was the salon-haired villains (known as Templars) who wear the kind of spotless white attire you see in washing powder adverts.
Yes, it’s bad but it’s fun. There are some hilarious kills, most courtesy of Fred Williamson while dressed as some kind of DC Comics archer. That's Fred on the cover. It's odd that Scorpion, the supposed hero of the film, didn't make the cut.

2½ awkward initiations out of 5

The Stuff (1985)

You'd be forgiven for thinking it's little more than a rip-off of The Blob (1958) based on the title and cover art, but it's not like that at all. It could be praised as a satire or commentary on the gluttony of the food industry, but mostly I enjoy it because it's Larry Cohen (he wrote, produced and directed) having fun with cheap effects and allowing Michael Moriarty of Q (1982) to once again make the sci-fi silliness not only palatable but hugely enjoyable. Not to be outdone, Paul Sorvino plays his role with real aplomb.
The willingness of consumers to ignore the niggles of common sense and accept any crap they're fed if it's dressed up in colourful packaging isn't just a haunting, fictional concept, it's happening in everyday life.

3 unhealthy McStuffies out of 5

Men of Sherwood Forest (1954)

Hammer studios clad Don Taylor in the green cloth for the first of three Robin Hood films. The studio was well-aware that we all knew who Robin Hood was, so they didn't bother with an origin story. (Take note, Marvel.) Instead, they jump right into the action. Robin and his merry men have been outlaws for a decade; Prince John is plotting to kill King Richard (who’s in Germany); Nottingham is under Sheriff rule, etc. You know the story. The only real difference from the traditional design is that Maid Marian is absent.
The heroes and their roguish antics are inoffensive. The villains are the twiddle-moustache type. The swordplay is average. Together they make a thoroughly entertaining adventure that’s rarely at rest. It reminded me very much of 1950s chapter plays, except you get it all at once.

3 false proclamations out of 5

Kamen Rider: The Next (2007)

A sequel to KR: The First (2005) that's set two years after the previous disappointment. Takeshi is now a tutor teaching a class of unruly pupils. He takes a peculiar (and inappropriate) interest in one of his female students, but she has a part to play in the resulting drama, so it's okay and not creepy at all, even when he visits her home. Meanwhile, a pop idol is causing controversy.
For reasons that I can't fathom, the first half hour is a Japanese horror film, and not even a particularly good one; it's a bad Ringu (1998) rip-off.
It abandons that for a while so it can avoid being a KR movie in other ways. Eventually it has no choice but to show some masked rider action, which, like before, is well-executed but entirely soulless.
It's only during the J-Horror wrap-up that any emotional impact is felt.

2 remodellings out of 5

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969)

The resilient Frankenstein desires to cure a man he sees as a kindred spirit, both of them having worked on similar advanced medical theories, so he uses his wiles and his classy arrogance to turn a less than perfect situation into a morally dark but advantageous one.
Cushing as the Baron is amazing, and he’s finally learned to use a proper pseudonym, but there’s one thing about the story that bothered me. It turns out it was a last minute addition by a studio head, someone who seemed to have no understanding that in film when such actions are shown they require repercussions, or at the very least acknowledgement in subsequent scenes. Ignoring it completely attests to the pointless nature of it.
Despite that, the film is really good.  Unusually, there’s no creature, but there’s plenty of victims in more than one sense of the word.

3½ matters taken out of 5

The Hearse (1980)

Jane Hardy exchanges city life troubles for some of the small town variety when she assumes temporary residence of her deceased aunt’s house. She discovers that secrets her aunt should've taken to the grave aren't yet buried.
As you’d expect (or hope) there’s a hearse in the story, but it only appears at certain times. In between those times the film throws medium levels of horror, ghostly atmospherics and even some Halloween-esque stalking scenes into a regular drama about a single woman in a new town.
It has a few neat ideas, most of which are borrowed from more memorable films, the acting is okay, and the creepy moments are occasionally successful, but the slow pace will have a lot of folks turning off.

2½ night-time callers out of 5

The Hunted (1995)

Warning: western-made ninja movie! Uninspired crap guaranteed.
Hunted can't decide if it should subtitle the Japanese language sections or have them spoken in English. At one point it even starts with subs and changes to English halfway through a conversation.
Three things save it from the shit bin: the music of taiko troupe Kodō; Yoshio Harada being moody; and the beautiful Yôko Shimada. I love Yôko. I'd be attentive even if she was advertising a cure for foot odour.
The script could very easily be turned into Connor MacLeod in Japan learning how to use the samurai sword he had in the Highlander film; all that would be needed would be the addition of the whole immortality aspect.

2 giveaway shoes out of 5

Kamen Rider: The First (2005)

I prefer my KR to be lit for TV. The cinematography of the movies is more lush and dramatic but the ‘upgrade’ causes something endearing to be lost.
The First is a movie without a series, even though it’s based on one. It’s a retelling/re-imagining/retread (pick one) of the first KR TV series that appeared in 1971. I've not seen the original, so I can’t compare and any direct references or knowing nods outside of scarf-wearing went over my head. Judged solely on what the film is, it’s a disappointment. It’s bland, with few redeeming features. It tries hard to be an adult drama, but if you go that route you need to deliver a satisfying resolution, of which there’s none.

2 warming ice crystals out of 5

The Conquer Yourself Collection

"What is he?"

"He is you. Your Opposite. Your Negative."

For some people in this world the most daunting and terrifying foe they will ever face is themselves. Appropriately, these pieces of media have their heroes facing off with what they see when they look in the mirror (or, in one case, enter it). Dark, Shadow, Nega, Mad, The Memory of…—all terms that simply denote that the destructive part of one’s own nature has been given physical form and a confrontation is inevitable.

Who will win?

The outcome is literally in your own hands.

Films on In a Nutshell:

01: The Matrix Collection

02: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

03. The Dark Half
04. Army of Darkness

TV Shows on Nut Box:

01: Kamen Rider Blade
02. Kamen Rider Kuuga

03: Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger

Video Games on Nut Load:

01: Silent Hill 3

02: The Legend of Zelda Collection

03. Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep

04: The .hack//Collection

Music on Nut Suite:

01: GREEN DAY/ 21st Century Breakdown

Nutted by NEG.

Blow Out (1981)

It’s made clear at the beginning of the film that the senses we use to filter out lies from truth can themselves deceive us. It’s a double-edged reveal that draws viewers into the narrative quickly but makes them aware of the techniques employed to achieve the manipulation. Each person will need to find their own comfortable balance in order to enjoy what comes afterwards.
Jack (Travolta) is a B-Movie sound guy. His trained ear is witness to what may or may not be a murder, but getting others to believe it proves to be difficult.
One of the people he tries to persuade is Sally (Nancy Allen). I like Nancy but she didn't convince me she was the air-head stereotype the script portrayed her as; that's a compliment from the opposite perspective.
De Palma’s trademark 360° camera movement is taken to the next level in one unforgettable scene. Just thinking about it makes me grin.

3½ isolated screams out of 5

The Final Programme (1973)

aka The Last Days of Man on Earth

It’s strange that the film industry has ignored Michael Moorcock as much as they have. TFP is the only feature to date based on one of his stories. It has the Jerry Cornelius character played by Jon Finch as a kind of counter-culture, 70s hipster secret agent in a decaying world that’s just days away from destruction. There’s some clever dialogue that I suspect is lifted direct from the source, but for something that’s inherently strange the film is surprisingly dull and flat at times. The structure is too loose for its own good, and the many characters, while fun, aren't given enough time to be anything other than oddities. The jazzy music doesn't help much, because we all know it should’ve been scored by Hawkwind.

2½ puzzling doors out of 5

And Soon the Darkness (1970)

Two young English girls on a cycling trip through a rural French village find themselves becoming part of an unsolved murder a year after it happened. Separated from her friend, and unable to speak the language, Jane (Pamela Franklin) doesn't know who to trust.
It’s an effective, suspenseful thriller by writers Brian Clemens (The Avengers) and Terry Nation (Dr Who) that’s free of unnecessary gimmicks. It is unusual, though, in that it takes place entirely in daylight, using the backdrop of an idyllic Gallic retreat as contrast to murky village happenings.
I perhaps wouldn't urge anyone to rush out and buy it without already being a fan of the talent involved, but if it's on your TV some evening then, yes, it’s certainly worth setting time aside to watch.

3 forest tracks out of 5

Menace II Society (1993)

It lays down black and Asian stereotypes from the beginning. I’d hoped it was a foundation, a means upon which to build a dramatic contrast, but that didn't happen. The goal was realism, the flip side of which is clichéd thug life with mutha fuck, nigga, and bitch dropped so frequently that it quickly got boring.
It’s possible to get viewers on the side of a villain, Goodfellas (1990) did it, but Menace doesn't. It’s well-shot and the acting is really good, but the main characters were tirelessly unsympathetic, deserving of the fates they themselves set in motion. The supporting characters are the only relief, with one in particular delivering the one truly memorable scene twenty minutes before the end. You’ll know it when you see it.

2½ white tees are in style out of 5

Dressed to Kill (1980)

De Palma's always been a visual storyteller. See the museum scene with Angie Dickinson to get a practical understanding of what I mean - it's almost nine minutes of pure drama without any dialogue. It sets a precedent for a film that's essentially an American-made giallo infused with Hitchcockian style.
It's visually captivating, throwing split screen, split lens, amazing camera movements and deep focus techniques at the viewer in both striking and understated ways. If judged on style alone it'd get top marks without hesitation. But there are other considerations. Some of the cast, for example, were a little too inexperienced for the role they were asked to play.

4 spying eyes out of 5

NOTE: If you can't get a hold of the Unrated version, then you're probably better off not watching at all. The cuts made to the R rated version really weaken the experience. Don't even consider the TV version.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

QT’s second film is a nonlinear collection of about half a dozen stories that overlap in interesting ways, even though none of them really go anywhere meaningful. On one hand it’s deserving of being pulped, but the performances, dialogue and love shown to established filmic techniques (rear projection car rides, long tracking shots, split-focus lens and even a McGuffin) are indulgently entertaining. It’s not unlike the tasty burger that Sam Jackson makes a big deal over in one of the stories: it’s constructed from chopped up pieces and satisfies for a brief time. However, at 154 minutes I do feel that it pushes against the limits of acceptability for that kind of thing.

4 moral tests of oneself out of 5

Boyz n the Hood (1991)

For me, the early years of main protagonist Tre are the best that Boyz has to offer. It puts us into the very heart of the nature vs nurture argument. When it skips forward seven years, to 1991, watching Tre attempt to get his love life on track seems initially less interesting. In truth, from that point onwards it’s more of a slow burning drama delivering a positive message. It lands less direct punches but they leave just as many dents.
It communicates effectively how emotions that run high in the wake of hard decisions must be brought back down to size or the fight is lost.

4 clocks punched out of 5

The Fury (1978)

Following the perfection of Carrie (1976) with another story about powers of the mind was perhaps a questionable idea, but that’s what De Palma did. He brought Amy Irving back for more, too, placing her on a different side of the fence. Many of the stylistic turns you associate with him are in place alongside a few fascinating new ones (that spectacular scene on the stairs!).
The parent/child relationship that’s much more than surface deep is also one of best friends between the characters played by Kirk Douglas and Andrew Stevens. Douglas’ motivations stay resolute as he moves from busy beach to busy street, doing his best to avoid detection by a secret government agency. It's a fine 70s thriller, but there's a small handful of scenes that border on superfluous or could've been more tightly wound to better effect.

3½ bleeders out of 5

Vamp (1986)

Vamp is cult, which usually means a viewer will either love it or hate it; but, personally, I was indifferent to its mixed genre charms. The comedy didn't make me laugh and the three main characters were each bordering on being insufferable US College types. To be honest, I've never understood the appeal of frat house movies.
Nevertheless, I applaud whoever it was that decided upon the unique visual look and stuck to it (even in the sewers) when it was clearly unrealistic. The practical effects are entertaining and, amazingly, Grace Jones was a good choice for the fiend; she gives me the wiggins even without make up.

2½ meal tickets out of 5

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Revisiting RD was as entertaining as I'd hoped. It’s still an excellent film, proving that it wasn't just riding on a timed wave of counter-culture hype.
If you didn't already know, it’s a heist movie but whereas most films focus on the planning and preparation, only getting to the actual theft in the last half hour, Dogs focuses on what happens afterwards, when it all goes sour.
Outfitting bad guys in matching suits was a striking image before QT’s time and it still is today. And having the action take place primarily in locations that rarely change means the remainder of it hasn't visibly dated.
The importance of music is felt even though there’s no actual score; any music in the film is heard by one or more of the characters.

4½ Super Sounds of the Seventies out of 5

Obsession (1976)

Watch any of De Palma’s early dramas and you’ll see his love for Hitchcock unashamedly on the screen. Obsession is that love taken to the maximum level. It’s a re-imagining of Vertigo (1958) penned by De Palma and Paul Schrader. The very idea of remaking a Hitch film fills me with revulsion, but I'm forced to concede that against all the odds it’s an amazing success!
Sticking close to the formula De Palma directs our attentions completely. The old-school techniques sit comfortably alongside a less seasoned but more edgy mechanism, creating a work that feels familiar but new at the same time.
The cherry on top is a classic Hitchcockian Bernard Herrmann score.

4 due wages out of 5

Mechanical Violator Hakaider (1995)

Hakaider (from Kikaider) is part wasteland hero, anti-hero and villain all at once. He even manages to be perceived as a chivalrous knight vanquishing a very odd but awesome looking personification of an evil parliament.
It’s Japanese to the core. It’s aware that it’s a glorious mess, and it knows that we know, so it revels in the madness from beginning to end. Wings, chains, dream sequences, henshins, etc; all that good stuff.
Your viewing pleasure will either be 51 mins (theatrical) or 77 mins (director's cut). They’re both mind-blowing with minimal characterisation and maximum style, but the longer one has the end credits scene moved to a more fitting position within the bonkers and broken narrative.

3 burnt flowers out of 5

The Killer Vehicles Collection

Subgenres are beneficial to their parent genre. Without them there's a risk we'd get inundated with even more clones. That’s almost as bad as accepting whatever’s popular at any given time; i.e. pure hell for me. The killer vehicle subgenre is an odd one. I mean ‘killer’ as in the vehicle has a mind of its own, occupied with murderous intent or demonic vengeance, not that it looks sexy. Although, it can fit into both categories, I suppose. Mostly they’re B-Movies; but not always bad movies, even if the concept is pretty bat-shit crazy. Here’s what we've got so far:

01. Killdozer (1974)
02. The Car (1977)
03. Death Ship (1980)
04. Christine (1983)
05. Maximum Overdrive (1986)
06. Trucks (1997)

This one doesn't quite fit the definition but it’s too similar not to get an honourable mention:
01. Duel (1971)

The French Connection (1971)

During your first viewing of TFC you might think it's taking a long time narrowing its focus to a defining event, but the constant chase is that event. The film is basically one long, taut-as-fuck pursuit that’s mostly but not completely from the perspective of NY detectives ‘Popeye’ Doyle and ‘Cloudy’ Russo, Gene Hackman and Roy Scheider, respectively. When not chasing they’re generally tailing or sitting in a stakeout. Their NY is unequivocally grimy and the cinematography gritty, a no frills backdrop to pure drama, all processed though a lens of semi-documentary style realism.

NOTE: Considering a blu-ray purchase? Do some research first or you may end up with the recoloured version that Friedkin thought was a good idea.

4 train doors out of 5

TERMINATOR GENISYS [2015]

After two shitty sequels, the fifth Terminator film, Genisys, attempts to reboot the series a second time with mildly better results than it's predecessors.
It starts out in the future with Kyle Reese going back to 1984, like in the first film, to protect Sarah Connor from the T-800 only to find the timeline's been altered (or in this case rebooted) to pave the way for an entirely different adventure with Arnie & Friends.  Director Alan Taylor does a fine job at sticking to the tones of the James Cameron films while updating the feel for audiences of today.  Arnie, Jason Clarke & Lee Byung-hun do a wonderful job as the three different Terminator models, however Emilia Clarke & Jai Courtney are painfully dull as the human characters and that's like shooting the whole heart of the film in the foot.  As far as pointless reboots/sequels go, Genisys isn't a bad film but it still leaves much to be desired.

3 different Arnies out of 5

TRUE STORY [2015]

Rupert Goold makes his directorial debut by casting funny guys James Franco & Jonah Hill in the dreary mystery drama, True Story.
Based upon disgraced reporter Mike Finkel's memoir of the same name, the film follows him as he meets with the incarcerated Christian Longo, who stole Finkel's identity after being accused of murdering his own wife and children.  Being unfamiliar with the real case really helps with building up the dramatic mystery of Longo's story, so I'm not sure how invested one would get if they already know how it all turns out.  Franco does a wonderful job at using his calm demeanor for a cold creepiness rather than stoner-comedies and Hill once again proves he's not just the funny fat guy but can actually carry a dramatic leading role.  Felicity Jones is a real gem and while sorely underused she still manages to make every scene she is in count.  It's not as bad as audiences seem to think it is but there's so much more this beautifully shot film could have expanded on to build it into a far more captivating story.

3 lies out of 5

The Car (1977)

It’s a killer car movie, why did it need two writers and three people working on the screenplay? Was it really that difficult to hammer out?
I’ll give credit where it’s due, though, the early scenes with the vehicle are fantastic! It’s like a blackly humorous Jaws (1975) on wheels, introduced slowly through POV shots and quick flashes of bodywork as it chases two innocent cyclists. The full reveal doesn't come until later, after much foreshadowing. It needs to establish relatable humans and make us care about them first, which it does in a simplistic way. The hero is Wade (Brolin), the father, lover, moustachioed biker, Utah Sheriff and all-round nice guy. Stick with Wade and you’ll be fine. He's even good at denial.

3 bloody smears out of 5

JOY RIDE [2001]

Director John Dahl and screenwriter/producer J.J. Abrams show their love for Steven Spielberg's Duel in the road movie thriller, Joy Ride.
While traveling the long empty desert roads of Middle America, three college students are hunted down by a mysterious trucker who contacts them on a CB radio and vows to kill them.  There's a lot of fun to be had here should you ignore the glaring plot-holes, obvious re-shoots and bizarre stalls in the pacing.  There's a 29-minute long alternate ending that fixes a lot of the mistakes in the film but not enough to make Leelee Sobieski's character nothing more than a prop.  It should have stayed focused on the two brothers to avoid a lot of the misdirected bumps in the road.
Joy Ride knows it's popcorn but when it wants to push you to the edge of your seat it does a great job at it.

3 bottles of pink champagne out of 5

MINIONS [2015]

You'd have to be living under a rock that's under another rock in order to have avoided the 2015 marketing campaign for the Despicable Me spin-off/prequel film, Minions.
It's set in London, 1968, where three of the little yellow buggers have left their clan to track down the next despicable leader they need to follow and find it in Scarlet Overkill & her 2nd fiddle husband (scene-stealers Sandra Bullock & Jon Hamm). The Minions were funny in the DM films but they are simply just too much here, with their gibberish language, easy to distract little brains and general all around irksome presence. It's impressive to see that the writers got as much mileage as they did out the wordless yellow bastards for 30 entertaining minutes but clocking in at nearly an hour and a half was more than enough.  There's some really hilarious moments scattered throughout but when it was all said and done I would rather these little yellow lumps stick to minor characters, their own animated shorts or rolling down the streets of Dublin.

2 tea & scones out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE [2009]

Director David Yates really lays down the dark & dismal in the sixth installment of the Harry Potter series, The Half-Blood Prince.
With Voldemort & his Dark-Eaters waging war on both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds, Harry learns more about the Dark Lord and how he came to be, as well as discovering disturbing evidence of how much the two are actually alike.  While the previous films were a healthy balance of style and substance, this one leans more towards the striking visuals making it  just too damned dark to be much fun.  When it does have a bit of a laugh it breaks the tone and feels ridiculously out of place.   Even the actors, apart from Alan Rickman and Jim Broadbent, don't seem to be up to par with their previous performances.  Still, it is perhaps one of the most important chapters in the series, seeing as it's tragic ending leads to the explosive conclusion.
I like to consider this the calm before the storm.

3 bumpy bridges out of 5

THE NIGHTMARE [2015]

Documentary director Rodney Ascher sticks to his taste for horror with The Nightmare, an off-beat look into eight people's stories about the frightening things they encounter during sleep paralysis.
Like his previous film, Room 237, Ascher is attracted to what all the nutty bunnies of the world have to say and it results in a film that feels more like a Friday night "Weird Encounters" episode on FOX than it does a quality film on the phenomenon.  Each speaker narrates their story over dramatic re-enactments that are a blend of low-budget fun and laughably bad.  If you're not taking the material too seriously it can be entertaining for a while but after about 25 minutes it gets far too monotonous to be enjoyable anymore.

2 TV static Martians out of 5

The Burning (1981)

In the first release from Miramax Films, the Weinsteins used the basic slasher film structure made popular by such films as Friday the 13th and Halloween and injected the urban legend of Cropsy (a scary story really told around campfires at the time). In this version, a prank gone wrong on a hated camp groundskeeper leaves a man burned beyond recognition and out for revenge. It's very derivative of the genre and even the director admits its cookie-cutter, but with a positive crew and the sfx guru Tom Savini behind the gory mayhem, it works quite well. The director Tony Maylam did a nice job of setting the killer apart with the use of a simple yet unique POV and the iconic wielding of his deadly shears. It's too bad the ample amount of build-up is squandered with a less-than-effective reveal in an abbreviated conclusion.

3 rafting massacres out of 5

Flesh+Blood (1985)

In a more graphic depiction of life in the middle ages, F+B is Paul Verhoeven's answer to over-romanticized medieval films. Gruesome deaths, severed body parts, rape and plague all play their roles in the film. The atmosphere is almost palpable as a ruthless mercenary (Rutger Hauer) and his uncouth gang of ruffians plots reparation after being tricked out of the spoils of war. Despite infamous BTS drama between Verhoeven and Hauer, performances remain genuine. The constant strife of the characters' moral duality is just as fascinating as the character of Agnes (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and her conflicted allegiance. An epic score by Basil Poledouris is a highlight, but some noticeable plot holes and questionable accents knock this one down a peg.

3½ religious misinterpretations out of 5

When a Stranger Calls (2006)

Based on the 1979 film of the same name, this remake understandably removes the original's lengthy pursuit of the killer and cinches up the story into one stormy night. But in doing so, it minimizes the killer's personality to a simple homicidal maniac. In a play on "the calls are coming from inside the house", babysitter Jill is caught in a voyeuristic cat and canary game. Much of the film is made up of cliche sound design and underwhelming jump scares and ruses. (i.e. there's a sound... and it's the ice machine!) I really wanted to despise this one and while the story is mainly comprised of Jill traipsing around an unrealistic mansion looking for any signs of life, there are some decent scares in the final act. But like many other poorly produced horror remakes, the ending is a complete throw-away. Look for this one in the bargain bin.

2 motion-sensors out of 5

Black Water Vampire (2014)

Think The Blair Witch Project with vampires. Even though the film is a found-footage cliche, I found the story, acting and sfx to be above-average for an indie production. But despite all that positive, it's still a clone of a bad movie. It's all there: a mildly intriguing urban legend, a novice documentary crew lost in the woods, a missing map then a missing person, constant bickering and a mysterious lodging in the conclusion. It's an impressive first feature for writer/director Evan Tramel, but it's nothing you haven't seen before.

2 rat teeth out of 5

Night of the Seagulls (1975)

The fourth and final of Ossorio's Blind Dead series sees a country doctor and his wife move into a closely knit rural town on the coast where they witness mysterious rituals in the night. None of the previous films have held any continuity with the others, except for the appearance of the undead Knights Templar. This one is no different, but it does have a plot which involves more than a simple trespass to set off their resurrection. A story with more mystique and sympathetic characters is a welcome addition. Unfortunately, the film holds no more secrets with its usual amount of heightened gore and pacing as slow as molasses.

2 bloodthirsty crabs out of 5

Under Milk Wood (1972)

Dir. Andrew Sinclair's UMW is a strange but eminently memorable film that over the course of just one day offers a glimpse into the labours, loves and lecherous thoughts of various residents in a small Welsh fishing village. It has more than one narrator, each of them giving a unique life to Dylan Thomas' immensely moving, poetic words. The words are the real focus; so much so that a considerable part of the imagery is arguably superfluous.
The cast is large; we don't have labels for most of them and I can't possibly name them all in this post, but I must give special mention to Ann Beach because of all the folk songs that featured, hers was the most beautiful.

3½ audible dreams out of 5

ARMED & DANGEROUS [1986]

As a kid, director Mark L. Lester's action/buddy comedy Armed & Dangerous was a real treat because it was my introduction to the comedy stylings of John Candy and Eugene Levy.
Seeing it again as an adult makes me realize how the film never fully utilizes the comedic genius of the duo displayed together in much better works, like television's SCTV.  
It plays like a cop comedy, only now it's two bumbling security guards clumsily unraveling the wrong-doings of a Los Angeles mob boss.  It's surprisingly short on laughs considering it was scripted by SCTV's Harold Ramis, who was responsible for other comedy classics such as Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day.  As a fan of the two comedy stars it was a pleasant but really dull watch making it difficult to recommend to anyone not interested in seeing some early Candy or Levy films.

2 buttless chaps out of 5

TED 2 [2015]

Let's face it, when it comes to Seth MacFarlane films it's important that the viewer's expectations are lowered in order to enjoy them.
The sequel to 2012's Ted does everything in it's power to prove this point.
Whether this is a good thing or not depends on your tolerance for unapologetically offensive humor but you will already know that if you've graduated from the first film and came back for seconds.  It's a thinly veiled knock on the controversy of gay marriage, as Ted, the talking teddy bear, can't marry his sweetheart when the law doesn't think he's part of their "warm-hearted Just as God Made Us" elite.  MacFarlane's love for the Golden Age of Cinema is cleverly proven in a song & dance main title sequence that had me grinning from ear-to-ear, while he manages to wiggle that love in the rest of the film beneath the loads of crude body fluid humor and haze of pot smoke.

3 black cocks out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX [2007]

Director David Yates steps in for his first of four (and final) Harry Potter films, The Order of the Phoenix.
After Lord Voldemort (exquisitely played by Ralph Fiennes) came into full physical form in the previous installment, no one believes Harry, forcing him to band together a secret rag-tag army of Hogwart's students to help him fight in the inevitable war of magics ahead of them.  The film is a great deal different from it's source material, seeing as the book is the longest in the series but the film is the shortest of the eight cinematic outings.  No matter, Yates & co. carefully stick to it's heart, core themes and main story arcs resulting in a wonderful dissection of the British school system and a comparison of similarities & differences of adult and youth.  It's the most grimly sinister of the series so far yet and let's us know it's only going to get darker and more grave as the body count begins piling up more and more.  I'm squeamish with delight.

4 horrifying Maggie Thatcher/Queen Lizzie II hybrids out of 5

THE BUNNY GAME [2010]

After getting over the initial disappoint of director Adam Rehmeier's The Bunny Game not actually featuring any bunnies, I was left with disgust and discomfort.
It's pretty much about a tough-as-nails prostitute who's abducted by a truck driver that performs all sorts of demeaning, humiliating and violent acts on her in order to break her down.  Shot in a very effective black & white, we're made to squirm even more by the frantic, but impressive, editing and Rehmeier's disorienting score interpolating with a collection of Burzum source songs.  Banned by the Pip-pip's and the Derdy auld Oirish, the film isn't a pleasant watch at all and doesn't offer a whole lot more other than some reflective questions that are answered 20 minutes into the it's overly long 76 minute running time.  It might have actually been better as a short film but instead it wears out it's welcome once it makes it's questionable point and quickly dissolves into mere torture porn trash.

1½ delightful fetishes for asphyxiation out of 5

Frankenstein Created Woman (1967)

The Baron’s continued fascination for creating life boils down to ‘the soul is the goal’. He wants to understand the spark of life. It was only a matter of time before he created something that had bumps in all the correct places, but to Hammer’s credit they did it in an unexpected way.
Ironically, one of the most powerful openings of the entire Frankenstein series may be part of the reason that many people dislike the fourth entry. Pitching the emotional content so high at the beginning means it has no choice but to subsequently fall to lesser levels. They’re furnished with a few unusual aspects, though, the most apparent being the court scene. Beneath that there’s commentary on what’s beautiful vs what isn't, even going so far as to make us wonder if any part of death can be equated with beauty.

3 magical sciences out of 5

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III [2006]

J.J. Abrams makes his feature film directorial debut with the third film in the immensely popular Mission: Impossible movie franchise.
Ethan Hunt comes out of retirement to hunt down a dangerous arms dealer who's kidnapped his wife.  Abrams does a wonderful job with a brisk pace that never slows down long enough to allow you realize how silly it all is.  It's pretty much a paint-by-numbers action film but has just enough enthusiasm and popcorn thrills to rise above boredom.  Cruise performs his obligatory bat-shit crazy stunt that never ceases to amaze but the rest of the action is nothing we haven't seen before.  It's tightly wound story never strays too far from it's mark and in the end will leave the action-junkie suitably satisfied, lens flare and all.

3 deadly head-aches out of 5

BATTLE: LOS ANGELES [2011]

Director Jonathan Liebesman recreates the warfare chaos of Black Hawk Down, only now with aliens, in the dully titled Battle: Los Angeles.
A platoon of U.S. Marines fight their way to safety in downtown LA during a global invasion of nasty cosmic out-of-towners.  It's not as bad as I remember it from seeing it once before but it still isn't really all that good either.  It's flat clichéd military characters, boring dialogue, sloppy editing and direct Point A to Point B storytelling does nothing to hide it's lack of imaginative spark.  It's basically a headache inducing clutter of noise and jittery camera-work that feels it rolled off the Hollywood assembly line losing any form of creativity along the way.

1 explosive beach party out of 5

ANT-MAN [2015]

Marvel's final film in their Phase Two series comes in the immensely entertaining form of director Peyton Reed's Ant-Man.
The always likable Paul Rudd is a talented thief who must pull off an intricate burglary with the aid of a suit that shrinks him to the size of, you guessed it, an ant.  The film might be light on substance and makes no attempt to reinvent the wheel but thanks to it's great cast, lightweight humor and dizzying Pixar-esque action sequences, it manages to hold together pretty well.  The movie knows it's a silly concept and it runs with it with flying colors never missing a chance to indulge in it's ridiculousness.  The behind-the-scenes trouble is evident but never detracts from the messy enjoyability of it all.  It takes all the fun of a Saturday morning cartoon, super-sizes it and then shrinks it down into something quite unique.  The New Avengers team is going to be a real breath of fresh air, if this is any indication of what's to come.

3½ web-heads out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE [2005]

Director Mike Newell brings his knack for seamlessly brisk pacing to the fourth film in the Harry Potter film series, The Goblet of Fire.
Hogwart's is host to a very dangerous international tournament amongst the Wizards & Witches world, while the gang first encounters puberty (Ron is hilariously revealed to be an ass-man), firmly graduating the series from children's films to young-adult oriented in both subject matter and tone.  The series gets darker with each installment but Newell manages to insert enough humor to keep it fun enough amidst the doom 'n gloom.  Like always the adult stars are a joy to watch as they have a grand ol' time getting into their quirky roles but it's the kids that make a vast improvement from the last film with their emotional acting chops.  At least half of the novel is left out but doesn't matter seeing as it still fits like a glove in the series without missing any important story arcs leading into the future films.

4 PULPy Radioheads out of 5

Killdozer (1974)

On a remote beach near the coast of Africa six men clear a site in preparation for an airstrip build, but then cheapo FX = “funny looking rock” = Killdozer!
It’s so fucking stupid. The machine’s top speed is, at a guess, about 12 kmph? A lame duck could outrun it, but still it manages to catch up to and mow over some manly men. Nevertheless, amazingly, it’s not as bad as the name implies. I was genuinely entertained by it all. It’s based on a short story by Theodore Sturgeon, the writer of Star Trek’s Amok Time (1967) episode and the man whom Kurt Vonnegut turned into the fictional Kilgore Trout.
In all honesty I’d sooner watch Killdozer again than anything big names like James Cameron or Ridley Scott have made in the last two decades.

2½ toy space gun sounds out of 5

The Mysterians (1957)

A festival, what should be a time of joy for all concerned, is interrupted by a mysterious fire, followed not long afterwards by an earthquake. The quiet little mountain village is about to lose the quiet part of its nature.
It’s an alien invasion film from Toho that once again paired director Ishirô Honda’s imagery with the sounds of master musician Akira Ifukube, both of whom had worked on the first Godzilla (1954) film. It has a kaijū of its own for a while, but mostly it’s a regular sci-fi film with special effects that are really amazing for the era. Not just in the scale model work. The props and set dressings inside the spacey dome are also top quality.

3 invitations by name out of 5

Rebirth of Mothra III (1998)

I confess I'm not clear on why the golden menace King Ghidorah does what he does when he first appears, but I can forgive the lack of a full explanation because I'm super-happy to get more of Mothra.
The story requires some sizeable acceptances of movie logic on the part of the viewer, it all goes a bit crazy once or twice, but it retains a sense of fun which acts as a kind of buffer against too much nitpicking. It also manages to deliver the kind of action you expect to see while simultaneously expressing the notion that love in all its forms, both good and bad, can give the strength needed to overcome impossible odds. It sounds sickeningly twee when written down but it works okay in context.

3½ true selves out of 5

Rebirth of Mothra II (1997)

The peace of Infant Island is shaken when the Elias sisters sense something threatening on the horizon. The ocean is being contaminated and it’s up to them and a trio of schoolchildren to put a stop to it before a fierce aquatic terror rises from the deep and destroys all marine life.

It’s a more kid-friendly sequel that works the three youngsters into the plot a lot better than the previous film did, but it’s not as good overall. Their adventure had a slight Lucas and Spielberg influence that I really disliked.

Mothra (well, technically Mothra’s son, Mothra Leo) is super-brave and keeps the excitement meter high every time he swoops in on his rainbow-coloured wings. He has some powerful attacks that his mother lacked, which was eyebrow-raising and convenient.

3 showers of miracle piss out of 5