Death Note (2006)

The Death Note is a book that causes the death of anyone whose name is written on its pages. Any fool can use it, but it takes a sharp mind to fully exploit its uses; that mind belongs to a College student, Light Yagami.
The film isn't as good as the manga or anime that preceded it, but for a TV production it does okay. The shorter running time means it lacks the depth or complexity inherent in the source, but the biggest problem is with the Shinigami (Death God). Ryuk could've been amazing, but he's rendered in a cartoonish CGI that doesn't fit with the realistic aesthetic of the rest of the film. The argument that he's supposed to appear otherworldly won’t change my mind about that. He deserved better.
It's the first half of the story only, with a cliffhanger ending, so it's advisable to already be in possession of Death Note 2 before you begin watching.

3 helpful statistics out of 5

2LDK (2003)

There's a regular kind of crazy, something that most of us have felt at least once in our life, and then there's a jealous, bitter as all hell kind of crazy that takes the meaning of the word to a whole new level of pain. Yukihiko Tsutsumi's half of the Duel Project features just two women (Maho Nonami and Eiko Koike) alone in an apartment (the 2LDK) who know the second kind first-hand. They have very different personalities but a common goal. Unfortunately, it’s not a goal that can be shared. Someone will have to lose.
It’s a big apartment, but the tension between the two women and their bubbling inner-bitch reduces it to a claustrophobic space that the camera explores in a kind of horror movie fashion. The ending is excellent.

3 lines overstepped out of 5

You can find Ryûhei Kitamura’s half of the project HERE.

Jodorowsky's Dune (2013)

A documentary in which Alejandro Jodorowsky talks about his ambitious film version of Frank Herbert's Dune novel (1965). You've not seen the finished film because unfortunately it never went into production. If it had, it could've been magical and glorious, or at the very least spectacularly disastrous. Jodorowsky had gathered together a sparkling reservoir of creative people to help him realise his vision, including artists Chris Foss, HR Giger and Jean 'Moebius' Giraud. If you're a Dune nut like I am, then it's essential viewing.

4 drug-free trips out of 5

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES [2014]

Matt Reeves steps in as director for the second of  three prequels to the Planet Of The Apes series, in the hilariously lengthy-titled Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes.
Set 10 years after Rise, things are dire and beginning to resemble the world we're familiar with from the originals so don't expect any cheers 'n smiles here.  Surprisingly this film rise high above the first with it's emotional depth, intelligent storytelling, nail-biting tension and ambition to worthy of it's early predecessors.  The special effects are beyond phenomenal as nearly 99% of the time I forget these weren't even real monkeys I was investing my emotions and thoughts into.  Those eyes.  Holy fuck.  They finally got CGI eyes right.
Not only is this film a good, riveting sci-fi summer blockbuster, it's a thought-provoking emotional tale that is easily one of the best films of the year.

4 Black Holes out of 5

LOCKE [2013]

Steven Knight has a knack for gritty character study thrillers, so I was eager to see how he'd handle a single setting/single actor film with Locke.
We're given a glimpse into Ivan Locke's entire life from within the seat of his car, as his whole world falls apart through a series of distressing phone calls.  I wasn't sure Tom Hardy could carry an entire film on his own, nevermind not having the luxury of changing backdrops, but he surprisingly pulls it off with intimate grace.  Knight's camera work is lit by the stark street night lights and bypassing cars which paints a feeling of depression and despair onto the increasingly daunting atmosphere.
It's the type of film that's most effective in a solitary environment to make best of the film's lonely atmosphere and from there you'll find yourself wanting to scream as Locke does.

3 invisible fathers out of 5

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)

There was always an underlying Western feel to the Tremors series. Part Four takes that further by going back to 1889 for a Wild West prequel that’s as familiar as it is different. There’s a town, a small group of people, Chang’s Market and a Gummer. It’s far from perfect but the return to more rubber and less CGI was a very, very welcome one.
It’s unlikely we’ll ever get that hoped for fifth film. Hopefully that also means any attempt at a half-assed reboot is also off the cards. I'd rather a permanent end than see it turned into a typical American monster movie.

3 endeavours out of 5

EDIT: We did eventually get a fifth film! 0_0  It's HERE.

Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)

It’s been years since the last human was torn apart in Perfection Valley, so understandably everyone is feeling pretty safe in the Graboid capital of the world—everyone except minor military celebrity Burt, who’s on high alert every minute of every day. It’s a good thing someone is, because the giant worm shit hasn't finished hitting the fan just yet.
Some new faces take a large role and some old faces return in smaller roles, but otherwise the formula is the same as before; that’s a good thing.
The Tremors TV Series is set chronologically after Trem 3, so make sure and watch in the correct order if you're interested in seeing it.

3 big fish out of 5

Tremors 2: Aftershocks (1996)

There’s no Bacon this time, but Fred Ward and Michael Gross return for seconds. Some out-of-towners (from a different arse-hole of nowhere) have a Graboid problem, so they enlist the help of the 'experts' to quell it.
It’s kind of flat until Burt rolls in with his armoury. From that point onward it’s almost as much fun as the first film; almost, but not quite. No matter, because this being a sequel means the previous Precambrian threat gets upstaged by a new, more dangerous one in the form of what the man with a plan calls “a whole new ball game” to keep the team occupied.

3½ big new chances out of 5

THE DOUBLE [2013]

I was in film-nerd hog heaven with Richard Ayoade's sophomore effort, The Double, a modernized adaptation of Fyodor Dostoevsky's doppelgänger novella of the same name.
Engulfed in suffocating moody shadows and minimal color scheme, the film seems like it could very well be Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Eraserhead with it's wickedly dark oddball sense of humor and timing.  Jesse Eisenberg is superb as he bounces back between skittish and suave while maintaining a steady balance of menacing tragedy that the source material gives off.
It will remind many of the works of Welles, Gilliam, Lynch and more but it never comes off as a wannabe copy with it's imagination, wit and uniquely hilarious & disturbing aesthetic.

4 dead pigeons out of 5

THE QUIET ONES [2014]

Director John Pogue joins the modern Hammer Horror films with The Quiet Ones, a spooky little tale about the attempt to manifest an angry ghost through a troubled young woman.
Jared Harris is better than the material he's offered with a layered performance that harkens back to the days of Peter Cushing, while Olivia Cooke is highly effective as the crazy girl that gives off a nasty case of the uber-wiggins.  It's bleak, washed-out photography looks like it creeped right out of the 1970's when it's not bouncing back into found footage territory which is distracting at best.  It's harshly edited and bumpy in it's narrative, giving off the feeling that it was the tortured victim of a studio re-edit and multiple script rewrites to diminish it of it's eerie atmosphere, that's present but not quite used to it's full effect.
The Quiet Ones delivers the scares and tense moments but not enough to be anything more than a cheap rental you'll forget about within a few hours.

2 warm palms out of 5

UNDER THE SKIN [2013]

Director Jonathan Glazer perfects the haunting sense of discomfort he excelled with in Birth in the abnormal slow-burning sci-fi Under The Skin.
Scarlett Johansson is effectively cold yet sympathetic as an alien (in disguise as a woman) that hunts down unsuspecting Scotsmen to feed their innards to her home planet.  Sparse with it's dialogue, Glazer allows the visually stunning photography and body language to tell the story that almost plays like what would happen if Stanley Kubrick directed Species.  Acting as a metaphorical tale about sexual identity, racism and class structure the film will probably repulse the average viewer with it's artistic style and finer plot-points buried beneath odd photography and music.
It truly is a thing of atmospheric beauty that doesn't shy away from getting uncomfortably under your skin.

4 mouthfuls of cake out of 5

TRANSCENDENCE [2014]

Cinematographer Wally Pfister steps out from under Christopher Nolan's shadow to make his directorial debut with the sci-fi/thriller Transendence.
Rebecca Hall plays the wife of a man (Johnny Depp) that turns himself into a frightening form of artificial intelligence.  It's visually beautiful and breathing with a comfortable atmosphere but beyond that the film aims for more ambition than it can actually juggle.  By asking big questions and giving silly answers you get the feeling Pfister wasn't entirely sure what the script was attempting to say and instead focused on flash 'n flair.  Another jarring problem is I felt Hall (and Depp's voice) could have easily carried the entire film on her own with a bit of script re-working and deleting the rest of the useless supporting characters.  

2 digital dreamcatchers out of 5

The Hitcher (1986)

A night-time storm, a lengthy desert road and an unknown hitchhiker are a recipe for disaster for Jim Halsey, who makes the worst decision of his life when he stops to pick up John Ryder.
It works on a number of levels but some of them are easy to overlook. If you do that then it becomes just another mid-80s violent chase movie.
The vast emptiness of the desert adds to the isolation and feelings of helplessness. It wouldn't work so well in any other environment.
The Hitcher’s creepy ability to be seemingly everywhere oversteps believability, but Rutger's sinister intensity as pursuant and mirror to Jim’s better nature keep things entertaining throughout. It goes without saying that the film will make you think twice about stopping to pick up someone on your next journey to wherever the hell it is you journey to alone.

3 road-kills out of 5

NOAH [2014]

Director Darren Aronofsky takes some artistic liberties to turn the biblical tale of Noah's Ark into a big-screen experience.
Noah will leave bible-thumpers offended with the changes and Aronofsky fans offended he'd tackle such material for Hollywood, making for a very small audience actually interested in the end results.  To be honest, it's not all bad, in fact there's quite a bit here that's actually very creative and visually unique, which makes sense seeing as Aronofsky had been working on the film since 2000.  Unfortunately there's too many flaws to make it the epic it aims to be, mostly in the weakness of characterization which is key when it comes to telling a tale this big.  The acting is superb, particularly Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly but when there's not enough to work with it leaves the viewer with little to care about.  

3 fallen angels out of 5

CONTACT [1997]

Contact is director Robert Zemeckis' fascinating study of the scientific and religious possibilities of life beyond our solar system.
By taken some intellectual and philosophical points of view, Zemeckis & co manage to paint a very realistic picture of the man's first contact with "aliens" which gives the narrative quite a bit to chew on.  Fortunately with the likes of Jodie Foster and others, the film is easily digestible and never overly preachy or one-sided to still be considered cinematic entertainment.  Things get a little lost in the FX-riddled climax, which is odd because Zemeckis is usually quite clever at combining FX with good story-telling but when all is said and done, Contact is still fully satisfying as a thoughtful film or a sci-fi ride, on par with Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.

4 wastes of space out of 5

MUPPETS MOST WANTED [2014]

Da Ali G Show writer/director James Bobin returns for a second run with Jim Henson's lovable creations in Muppets Most Wanted.
Like the preceding film, this one is self-aware and not afraid to admit that the "sequel is never quite as good", so with that fuzzy, googly-eyed elephant out of the room we're allowed to sit back and never stop grinning from the silliness we're embarking on.  Oddly enough it does explore some darker areas of the Muppet world but never enough to steer right off track from the fun.  Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey's comic skills are sadly put to waste here but it's Ty Burrell who steals every single scene he's in and that makes up for more than enough.
It might not be as great as the previous film but it's pretty darned close.

3½ pink frogs & green pigs out of 5

20,000 DAYS ON EARTH [2014]

Oddbird film-makers Iain Forsyth & Jane Pollard create a bizarre "fictional" documentary about the life of Australian rocker/writer Nick Cave in 20, 000 Days On Earth.
It cleverly soars over Cave's life through various styles and narratives that document his inspirations and creative methods some of which are incredibly interesting and some that come off as completely self-absorbed.  Cave loves to talk about his creative process and himself but fortunately it never ceases to bewilder and enchant even when you're not sure if he's talking out of his ass or not.  The narration is gifted with some wonderful photography, editing and musical score making for a definite spot on the shelf of any Cave fan and probably anybody who is interested in creative inspiration.

3½ ghosts of Kylie Minogue out of 5

Savage Streets (1984)

In the same way that ‘unique’ doesn't always mean that something is useful, the word ‘cult’ doesn't always guarantee an enjoyable film. Danny Steinmann's Streets has cult stamped all over it. It’s a Death Wish (1974) rip-off that puts the bloody revenge in the hands of a woman.
Linda Blair will please Linda Blair fans but there’s very little to recommend outside of that. The one-liners are bad, the cat-fights are weak by exploitation standards, the aesthetic is so 80s that it’s painful to look upon and the acting is atrocious the majority of the time, but it’s somehow entertaining if you’re in the right frame of mind. Logic be damned.

1½ salami traps out of 5

Aragami: Raging God of Battle (2003)

Ryûhei Kitamura did a fine job with his half of the Duel Project, shot in just one week. His stamp is evident in almost every scene, so it becomes apparent pretty quickly that things aren't quite what they seem.
The setting is a secluded temple decorated with rich purples and reds that give it a strange allure. The characters sit opposite each other, sizing the other up repeatedly. There's some light barroom philosophy throughout to keep the pace before the aggressive conclusion.
It's short but just long enough; ten minutes more and it might've begun to overstay its welcome. Fans of the director's earlier works will have more fun with the ending than newbies will.

3 uncounted numbers out of 5

You can find Yukihiko Tsutsumi's half of the project HERE.

Legends of the Fall (1994)

LotF focuses mostly on three brothers who are close but ultimately on different paths. In a broader sense, it's also the story of an immigrant family through the ages who settle in Montana in the early 1900s.
Many of the heartbreaking moments are clearly signposted in the first half, but there’s enough weight in the second half to make up for it.
Less successful in my eyes (or ears) was the clichéd sweeping orchestral score that intrudes all too often when it would've been better to let the naked emotion do the work on its own.

3½ inner voices out of 5

Yōkai Monsters: Spook Warfare (1968)

Treasure hunters rummaging with a pickaxe in the ruins of Babylonia accidentally awaken an evil that’s been snoozing for four millennia. For some reason it flies to Japan to feed on the inhabitants of a small town.
The first Yōkai Monsters film has an antagonist with a head like a veiny asparagus, but the story throws much that makes me happy-clap about Japanese cinema into one bizarre mix: jidaigeki, tokusatsu, swordplay, ghosts, fantasy, weird folklore, horror, vampires, demons and more. And I learned that even a friendly rokurokubi gives me wiggins.

3½ other faces out of 5

Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

A sequel that isn't a sequel set in the same world as John Carpenter's Vampires (1998). A guy with Bon Jovi hair plays a vampire hunter trying to prevent the same Black Cross of Berziers that Valek sought in the other film from falling into the wrong hands. No, wait... it is Bon Jovi. That explains the inexperience and average acting. He's a musical fish out of water. He does try, though, which is half the battle.
Unusually for this kind of thing they didn't ask him to score it. Brian Tyler had that misfortune and it’s not too shabby for the most part; it’s certainly the most successful part of proceedings.
The locations were also nice in a dusty Western kind of way. Just don’t focus too much on that awful editing. Too late. Now you will.

1½ fried bogies out of 5

Death Race 2000 (1975)

DR2000 is the Wacky Races in a fascist, dystopian society for adults, with added tits, violence, murder and a liberal dollop of very black humour, all of which put it categorically in the bad-but-good aisle of your local flea-infested second-hand video store.
It’s a no holds barred cross country car race in which points are scored for hitting pedestrians; children and the elderly are worth more. If it wasn't so colourful and satirically entertaining it’d probably be offensive.

3 bloody chalk lines out of 5

The Changeling (1980)

An old-fashioned haunted house story, the like of which is almost extinct these days. George C. Scott plays a man in the wake of tragedy. While trying to put his painful past behind him he moves into an aged Victorian house that has an equally tragic past of its own.
Scott is a seasoned actor able to project a believably strong but damaged demeanour. He stars alongside his wife, Trish Van Devere.
The camera moves knowingly through the old house, giving it life and making it a character in the story. When the spookiness is turned to maximum it sent chills running the length of my spine more than once.

4 rhythmic somethings out of 5

Brainscan (1994)

Michael, a sixteen-year-old horror movie fan, gets deeper into the 'horror' than he’d ever imagined when he loads the Brainscan video game. It’s a super-immersive First Person Shooter Slasher that puts the knife in his hand. The editing during those scenes makes no sense, but it adds to the thrill.
I wasn't convinced by Edward Furlong’s shaky acting, but the entity that tempts him, the Trickster, played with gusto by T. Ryder Smith, is a great character and aptly named. He uses Michael’s fears against him in order to advance the game and the movie’s plot, which reminded me of Trick or Treat (1986) more than once.

3 evils of episodic gaming out of 5

Destroy All Monsters (1968)

The ninth* Godzilla movie has eleven kaijū in all, gathered together and housed on an island named Monsterland (not to be confused with Monster Island). The world will be in trouble if the high tech (i.e. piss-poor) barriers ever break, so let’s hope that never happens, eh?
If that wasn't enough, there’s a second threat that may well have had a hand in orchestrating the first. It never rains but it pours.
It’s fun but some of the kaijū are wasted; they're relegated to a spectator role while the usual suspects screech and thump their way to the finale.

3 invasions out of 5

*Rodan’s fourth and Mothra’s fifth. I'm not going to mention all the others. I’d be here all day if I had to list their origins and appearances.

The Brown Bunny (2003)

Usually if I say something is a love it or hate it film there’s an unspoken allowance for some midway point between those two states, but with Brown Bunny I suspect it really will be love or hate.
It’s a slow-moving art house character study of a quiet man as he makes a road trip to California. Along the way he encounters desperate and damaged women. In his soul he yearns for something that he knows they can’t give him, but he’s unable to resist the initial stages of the attempt.
It was shot on 16mm and blown up to 32, giving it the look of something beautiful captured on unearthed cheap 1980s film stock.

4 flower names out of 5

From Hell (2001)

A Jack the Ripper story adapted from/inspired by an Alan Moore graphic novel of the same name. It’s flawed but interesting.

The Hughes brothers wanted realism in the environment, but the end result is far from that; it’s a well-lit Whitechapel filled with clean dirt and a stage-like aura, but it works if you think of it as theatre.

There are some memorable flashes of creativity thanks in part to the stylised use of colour. The editing is good and the music is successful in creating and sustaining intrigue and drama.

Johnny Depp is a fine actor but he isn't suited to the role of a Dorset-born Police Inspector, and nor is Heather Graham suited to hers. The illusion of being in London is utterly shattered every time they speak.

2½ alleviations out of 5

Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain (1983)

A Chinese action/fantasy film from director Tsui Hark set in the fifth Century on Zu Mountain, a place of strategic military importance. A soldier longing for peace stumbles into a world of magic, comedy, flying demons, scary white sheets, swords (many), virgins, skulls, and er… eyebrows. It's completely bonkers but was hugely influential to the supernatural xianxia genre. Tsui himself would go on to use the same techniques many times in later years to better effect. I'm not as fond of it as I am of some of those later films, but I acknowledge its importance and won't contest its place in film history.

3½ colourful battles out of 5

Galaxy Quest (1999)

I’ve seen nothing but praise for Galaxy Quest, but after having watched it I can’t fathom why. It’s a spoof of syndicated sci-fi shows from yesteryear, parodying specifically Star Trek TOS. I got the whole meta aspect, the cast-rivalries and in-jokes, and I enjoying laughing at the things I love, but the connection to the characters just wasn't there for me. The smiling aliens were fucking irritating. They’re morons but can build a ship with abilities that would make Einstein piss himself; a lame joke. I never thought I’d say it, but I found something that made Star Trek Voyager look good.

2 relevant conundrums out of 5

Sphere (1998)

Something alien is found one hundred and sixty fathoms below the ocean’s surface, so a group of specialists are called in to examine it.
An uninspired opening gave way to what seemed to be a structured Hollywood attempt at creating a thinking man’s sci-fi, but the bad drama music that bludgeoned its way into proceedings kept me suspicious. It turned out to be an indication that the cerebral was just a lure, or perhaps too challenging to maintain, and that a descent into tedious semi-horror was just around the corner.

2 deductive logic bombs out of 5

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

A second dose of continent-hopping nonsense offers up a sunken temple and ‘underwater level’ Lara for your arousal.
Between action scenes and a shallow love interest, Jolie manages to make Lara appear strong even when she’s in a vulnerable position, so kudos to her for that, but the rest of it sucks. Largely due to the fact that the villain is lame; Elmer Fudd on a sugar-rush would be more menacing.

1½ accessories out of 5

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

LC:TR is a typical summer actioner, but unlike some of the other video game adaptations it at least makes an effort to reference its origins: the Manor, exotic locations, jumps that require crucial timing, puzzle solving and gun-play are all reminiscent of the games that inspired it.
Angelina Jolie isn't a dead ringer for Lara but she’s not too far removed either. Moreover, it was made before her arms got worryingly thin, so she’s believable as an action star.
It would've made sense to cast a British actress to play a British role, but that kind of logic is perhaps too much to ask of the suits that front the money for this kind of thing.

2 halves of the triangle out of 5

NON-STOP [2014]

Liam Neeson puts on his highly effective tough-guy pants again in director Jaume Collet-Serra's mystery/thriller Non-Stop.
Filled with enough holes in it's logic, Non-Stop requires you to shut off your brain and enjoy the uneven ride while it lasts.  The tricky photography makes great use of the claustrophobic space and in turn creates a highly effective tension that doesn't let up until the end.  It's numb, dumb fun that's more satisfying than I thought it would be.

3 broken text msg bubbles out of 5

BIRTH [2004]

Birth is a creepy little mystery, from director Jonathan Glazer, that seems like a mixture of Stanley Kubrick and Roman Polanski (Rosemary's Baby haircut included).
This intensely hypnotizing film tells the story of a widow who meets an odd little boy who swears he's her dead husband reincarnated.  Both Nicole Kidman and Cameron Bright turn in some immensely haunted performances that will leave many a little uncomfortable with the more intimate scenes.  There's some flaws here and there, that breaks the tense atmosphere but all in all, Glazer proves he can craft a beautiful piece of thoughtful cinema that deserves more acclaim.

3½ buried secrets out of 5

The Sword of Doom (1966)

A jidaigeki about a wandering samurai who antagonises almost everyone he meets. His expression is unreadable most of the time, but deep down he has a reserve of burning madness and when he kills it’s to assuage it.
There’s no mistaking this is an Okamoto film. The precise way everything is orchestrated, the slow movements, the waiting, and the feeling of impending danger is almost constant. The music, too, is a character.
The abrupt ending is easier to take when you learn that two sequels were planned but never got made.

4 forms out of 5

Ring: Kanzenban (1995)

Japan's first adaptation of Koji Suzuki's novel was shot for TV. It didn't have the kind of money or resources to play around with that Hideo Nakata had for his subsequent version, but it does an admirable job with the story regardless.
It's not a horror, per se, so don't expect to be hiding behind the sofa at any time. It does, however, pack quite a lot in and is the only one of the four filmed versions to keep the protagonist male. Unfortunately, neither the supporting cast nor the music is much good. With that in mind, and if you're a fan of the Cycle, then it's an interesting addition if you can find it.

3 black frames out of 5

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Extended Action Cut (2013)

The G.I Jokes return for a sequel that feels more like a reboot considering that hardly anyone bothered to come back from the first movie. The result is a bigger adventure with a smaller team at its core.
The Rock takes over as the main Joe; his sweaty head dominates every scene he’s in. (Does he have someone spray it for effect or is it naturally sweaty?) The remainder of the two hour running time is split between buddy comedy, action scenes with approx 60 cuts per second and night-time shootouts so the bullets can leave tracers that look dramatic.

2 thankless jobs out of 5

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

I didn't collect Joe figures as a kid, so I didn't see the Hollywood anus take a giant shit on a beloved childhood memory. All I saw was a film that had more time spent on calculating how many explosions were needed to turn a profit than it had on improving the script, which, let’s face it, isn't atypical of the summer action movie genre. In that respect, it's as good or as bad as many of the other below average summer time-wasters. I even enjoyed that utterly ridiculous chase through the streets of Paris.

2 traffic violations out of 5

Son of Godzilla (1967)

The eighth Godzilla movie starts out dramatically enough, showing the giant creature wading through the ocean like it’s a shallow pool (because it is), but the music that follows soon after shatters the drama. By the time the son appears on the scene all hope for a turnaround is lost. The child toddles shakily and falls on his ass for laughs. It’s woeful.
The subtitles referred to Godzilla as “he” more than once. I don’t know if it was translation laziness or not. Who was the mother? And how in hell did she squeeze that giant egg out of her vagilla?

1½ bugs in the bush out of 5

The Call of Cthulhu (2005)

A mostly faithful adaptation of the Lovecraft story that attempts to show what a filmed version would've looked like had it been made when the story was written in the 1920s: the footage is treated with a filter that crudely mimics print damage and ageing, the ratio is 4:3, the FX are primitive (but amazing) and it’s silent except for the dramatic music.
Director Andrew H. Leman is a founding member of the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society; his respect for the material is plain to see.
The ‘strange idol’ prop is very cool. I’d make room on my already wheezing shelf for a full-size replica of it.

4 dreams of strange cities out of 5

Armour of God III: Chinese Zodiac (2012)

I know it's not explicitly called Armour of God III, but dedicated Chan fans will know that's what it is, so I added it to the title. It's Asian Hawk and he's relic hunting. again, but the artefacts that he's hunting this time have a value that's significantly higher than a monetary one, which complicates matters.
It's filled with modern tech but still feels pleasingly old school. Jackie's introduction is the most amazing and exciting thing I've seen him do in a very long time. In fact, a sizeable percentage of the movie is high quality, but that leaves a second, larger percentage that's not good. The weak family comedy and middle section that turns into The Goonies (1985) is pure crap. The score below reflects that, but there's still some really, really great stuff in CZ.

2½ hedged bets out of 5

A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST [2014]

Seth MacFarlane's second theatrical feature, A Million Ways To Die In The West is a raunchy-as-fuck comedy that really isn't for everybody.
MacFarlane hasn't a clue what he's doing behind the camera when it comes to directing live action and it really shows but that's not what we're here for.  The audience expects to laugh while being offended at the same time and this film delivers in flying colors (and a wide variety of fluids).  At times it's just plain stupid and a bit too much but occasionally a glimmer of wit and cleverness shines through reminding us why Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron and even Patrick Stewart would have anything to do with MacFarlane & his work.
On top of all of that, it features some of the most hilarious piss-your-pants cameos on film I think I've ever seen.

3 firecrackers wrapped in roast beef out of 5

HAPPY CHRISTMAS [2014]

I've been anticipating Happy Christmas since mumblecore regular Joe Swanberg's Drinking Buddies was so damned good. 
Anna Kendrick plays a reckless young woman who moves into her brother's basement after a bad break-up with her latest boyfriend.  Once again Swanberg explores the troubles of alcoholism but never feels like he's shaking his finger at it and instead is simply describing some of it's lesser attributes.  With it's focus on the quieter moments in life and seemingly mundane conversation the film and actors manages to tell more in a mere 30 seconds than most mainstream films can clumsily utter in 30 minutes.
The naturalism, awkwardness and quiet moments of people just getting to know each other through observation isn't for everybody but anybody who doesn't like their storytelling spelt out to them will find something comfortable in this film.

3 burnt pizzas out of 5

THE RAID 2: BERANDAL [2014]

Director Gareth Evans returns to the excessively violent Indonesian martial arts world of The Raid for a vastly superior sequel.
Evans originally intended this film to be the first but found he didn't have the budget so instead made Redemption for very cheap to raise money for Berandal.  After viewing this sequel, the original feels tagged on and pointless with it's very basic set-up that could be explained in a matter of 2 minutes.  This time around there's character development, a story that's filled with twists 'n turns and a beginning, middle & end.  No worries fans of the original because there's still plenty of bone crunching, throat slicing and blood gushing martial arts action, only now with a story the fights have more of a dramatic impact.  The camera-work is absolutely wonderful and occasionally makes me wonder how they did it, with some near impossible shots being that are both dizzying and beautiful.  It's perfectly paced, well-planned out and bloody, bloody good fun.

3½ burly backseat bumpin' out of 5

Sadako 3D 2 (2013)

Even though much of the potential of 3D2  is wasted, the end result is still much better than the teen horror that was the first film.
Some of the exterior scenes are quite beautiful, but when it moves indoors and attempts to scare it falls flat. Hanabusa sets up some effective scares that get ruined by the addition of CGI. CGI just isn't scary; it’s lazy and boring. The sooner film-makers get back to creating atmosphere with skills, music and lighting the better off we’ll be as viewers.
Connections between protagonists hold the story together when it seems to be struggling to find a focus, and if you stay for the duration the final third raises the score. It doesn't make much sense, but it’s the best part.

2½ scraping noises out of 5

Wonder Woman (1974)

A year before Lynda Carter slipped on spangly undies and aided every heterosexual schoolboy's onset of puberty Cathy Lee Crosby was cast in a TV Movie pilot that didn't get picked up. It's not very good.
Cathy has a costume but no special powers other than being savvy... sometimes. She can fight, though… kind of. She appears to have taken half a dozen self-defence classes for women. I suspect they were running concurrently with the acting classes, but it was a case of attend one and miss the other. The script doesn't give her anything interesting to say anyhow. It’s hokey and the dialogue is terrible.The only stand out character is Ricardo Montalban’s gentlemanly villain.

1½ parting drinks out of 5

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)

Hitchcock remade his own film. It’s preferable to someone else doing it, I suppose. The 1956 version improves on the 1934 version by having Jimmy Stewart as the leading man, but by the same token it’s weakened in not having Peter Lorre as the antagonist. The story is similar (well, duh) but also different enough to keep people who've seen the previous version unsure of the outcome. The extra length allows for heightened tension, but at other times it drags on too long and becomes unnecessary. In many ways it’s a balancing act between improvements in one area vs change for the sake of it in another. Thankfully, when the scales come to a stop they favour the former. It’s a better film, but the plot is still a bit crap.

3½ moments in life out of 5