Dreamchild (1985)

There are many works that presume to continue the Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865) story, but Dreamchild is different in that it offers a fictionalised account of the girl for whom the famous tale was created in the first place, Alice Hargreaves (Coral Browne), as she nears her eightieth birthday. It's by Dennis Potter and is primarily in his voice, not Carroll's.

It follows her as she travels to America for the centenary of Carroll's birth. She dislikes the bustle and lack of tact she finds there, but she abhors even more that they want her to give an account of what it’s like to be the fiction.

Her memories of the telling of the story given to her as a child by the author revisit her as an aged woman in the present, brought to life in a different world by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop as twisted representations of buried truths about the complicated relationship between the adult and the child.

3 corner shadows out of 5

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE [2015]

Director Tom Six completes his Human Centipede trilogy with the utterly distasteful Final Sequence.
Dieter Laser & Laurence R. Harvey return from the previous films as a repulsive prison warden and his assistant  who decide it'd be fun to turn their inmates into the largest human centipede ever.  The film is filled all sorts of racism, misogyny, homophobia and enough shots of the American flag to make you wonder if Six is attempting to make some sort of a statement.  One expects to be offended and/or disgusted but should expect some sort of entertaining creativity, instead of this dull-witted schlock.  It takes so long to get to the centipede itself, you're left wondering if you're even in the right film.  Someone needs to smack some acting skills into Laser, because it's not even funny how annoyingly bad he is here.  With some imagination or smarts, Six could have used his lack of acting skills to the film's advantage but instead he just lets this shit happen.  In all honesty, one will probably find staring at the final word of this review more entertaining than the film itself.
the.

½ a pickled clit out of 5

PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES [1987]

Considered by it's two starring lead's a favorite film of their own, the road trip buddy comedy Planes, Trains & Automobiles marks a departure from director John Hughes' usual teen movies of the time.
The premise is quite familiar: uptight Steve Martin wants to go home for Thanksgiving and his uninvited travel companion, the care-free John Candy, unintentionally sees to it that it won't be a mere hop, skip & jump.  Simplicity aside, everything about the film is set in all the right places.  The casting is perfect, the increasingly funny tale unfolds with subtle poignancy and comfort because it's storytelling & characters are straight-up real.  Like The Breakfast Club and fine wine, the film only gets better with age.

4 shower curtain rings out of 5

CHAPPIE [2015]

District 9 director Neill Blomkamp's latest gritty sci-fi thriller, Chappie, leads me to believe the film-maker has the shitty M. Night Shyamalan virus, only his is working at an accelerated rate.
Set in the not-so distant future of South Africa, it follows a robot police officer that breaks free from the herd, with the ability to learn, feel and reason.  Blomkamp's more than obvious tribute to Robocop aims high with it's ideas but shits the bed with it's cringe-worthy dialogue, horridly uneven tones and annoying performances.  I mean, who the feck thought casting counter-culture hip-hop act Die Antwoord to attempt to act out some emotionally heavy scenes?  Jesus.  Visually the film is quite compelling and every now & then it raises some interesting question but it manages to fail miserably on every other account.

1½ ED-209's out of 5

LIFE ITSELF [2014]

As a lover of films, good and bad, I loathed Roger Ebert.
As an opinionated douche, I hold great respect for the fellow film-lover.
Following Ebert's bitter-sweet memoir of the same name, Hoop Dreams director Steve James tells the inspiring story of the celebrated film critic's tale through a series of interviews, news footage and intimate moments of the man during his final days before his death in 2013.  James is unapologetic with his portrayal as we're given a glimpse at his stubbornness, arrogance and heated qualms with fellow film critic Gene Siskel.  As a kid I eagerly followed his television show and shared his loved of films although I rarely ever shared his opinions on the subject matter, sometimes with great discord.  It's the time spent with his wife and how much the difficult relationship meant to him is where we could learn a thing or two from seeing the couple work together.

4 thumbs up out of 5

Black Mama, White Mama (1973)

It’s a typical ‘women in prison’ sexploitation flick for a while with catfights, showers and an aggressive guard with a lady-boner for the prisoners, but it changes to an on-the-run chase movie giving the two very different women their time in the spotlight. The pair, a black hooker and a white revolutionary, are pursued by three different parties as they make their way across an island. It even throws in a Western style shootout to keep things exciting.
The secondary characters have their own opposites and rivalries going on and there’s a well-defined distinction between who deserves our sympathies and who doesn't, even though no one is angelic.
More than the sum of its parts, BM,WM is another great Grier movie.

3½ strong links out of 5

Population 436 (2006)

Steve Kady (Jeremy Sisto) is a researcher for the Census Bureau, required to contribute to a scheduled head count of US citizens every ten years. His job takes him to the idyllic town of Rockwell Falls. The sign says the population is 436. There's nothing unusual there, it's the same figure that's in the census records, except it's been that way for a century, never changing.
It's like a Twilight Zone script extended to feature-length. It doesn't feel too stretched, but while the necessary layering of mystery is ever-present it does reach a plateau and ceases to climb well before the end.
You'll maybe recognise more than a handful of influences and there's a Stephen King vibe to the set-up and in how the characters are drawn.

3 community traditions out of 5

Storm Catcher (1999)

Major Dolph flies an experimental multimillion dollar stealth jet for the government because he's Dolph and he can do that kind of thing.
Any forward-thinking viewer will have figured out the majority of the plot before even eight minutes have ticked away. If you stay for the duration you'll be rewarded with overly-enthusiastic slow motion death throes and explosions that cast baddies in silhouette. Yeah, it's that kind of film.

1½ bipedal snakes out of 5

Duel (1971)

All frequent motorists know the uneasy feeling of a larger vehicle riding their tail. In this story written by Richard Matheson, David Mann (Dennis Weaver) must contend with just that as he is psychotically pursued by a villainous tanker truck on his way to a business appointment. In a breakaway hit for then fledgling director Steven Spielberg, the use of harrowing camera angles and impressive stunt driving is key to the creation of suspense. Weaver does a nice job of playing the everyman. We feel his hopelessness after each futile attempt to escape, the sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Even though some superfluous scenes were added later to make it feature length, the film still strongly focuses on the highway duel.

4 appointments broken out of 5

Cardiac Arrest (1980)

If I were to describe this film at second glance it would be "misleading." At first glance you have intriguing poster art and synopsis which conveys the thrilling chase of a deranged surgeon. While what truly transpires is nothing of the sort, the likable characters and amusing dialogue make for a pleasant surprise. If not initially let down by the ruse, you will find a simple, perplexing mystery led by a neurotic yet charming gumshoe (Garry Goodrow) and his overzealous partner (Michael Paul Chan). The film's urban aesthetic and lack of blood and profanity even lend itself to a 70's cop show. While more fitting of episodic television than feature film, it certainly wasn't a complete waste of time.

2 weak-stomached homicide detectives out of 5

Roadie (1980)

Travis W. Redfish accidentally becomes a roadie after falling head over heels for a groupie. Don’t judge, it could happen to any of us.
Meat Loaf is a decent actor with real comedy timing. There's an irony in his eager-to-please character in that he can fix anything except his own failing romance. However, for a comedy the script is light on jokes, unless you consider being uncomplimentary to Texans funny.
I was almost ready to write it off as little more than rock star cameos masquerading as a film, but the second half changed all that. It found the heart of the characters and put them onscreen for all to see.
I'm maybe being overly-forgiving but I feel that it salvaged the throwaway parts and made them into something memorable. It seemed to embody Travis' motto that "everything works if you let it".

3 brainlocks out of 5

The Legend of Billie Jean (1985)

It's a hot day in Texas and without trying Billie Jean raises the temperature of the local horn-dogs ever higher. One dumb-shit act of machismo by the worst of them leads to repercussions, which in turn leads to a teen-movie outlaw situation that’s utterly ridiculous but somehow entertaining.
Eighties teen movies were different to their modern equivalent; they were simpler, less hurried and usually a lot more fun.
The music of Billy Idol and Pat Benatar that’s used in the soundtrack fits the film’s vibe perfectly: an orchestrated story of safe rebellion in response to the underlying sting of acquiescence that accompanies growing up.

3 handwritten I.O.U notes out of 5

The Ramen Girl (2008)

A young woman abandoned in Tokyo feels an almost magical attraction to a nearby Ramen House where she finds that the healing properties of kindness can be found in the most unexpected of places.
It’s a kind of feel good flick for the dumped and broken hearted, but it has enough appeal to strike beyond that.
The ending could've been better and I’d have liked more insight into the lives of the regular customers, but overall Brittany and the Japanese couple who owned the Ramen House are strong enough actors to keep it interesting.
I really loved the reference to Toshiyuki Nishida's TV past.

3 bowls of harmony out of 5

Buffalo '66 (1998)

Everyone knows that films use images to help tell a story, but the more subtle art of using the imagery as a language with its own semantic and contextual layers is an art form that’s arguably just as important to the process. In the best films a single image is more polysemous than even the most versatile word. Buffalo ‘66 epitomises the notion without being too conspicuous.
Gallo wrote, directed, scored and starred in it. He plays Billy Brown, recently released from prison into a cold world. Billy finds a peculiar kind of warmth in Christina Ricci’s reactive performance, but he’s not equipped to deal with the kind of salvation she offers. His neurotic tendencies and masking of nervous weaknesses with frequent angry outbursts keep him safe and distant while Ricci's odd behaviour tries to break down his barriers.

4½ strikes out of 5

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Choosing to remove an ancient standing stone that’s on your land might be viewed as a good decision in some parts of the world, but not in Ireland because it might just be a powerful seal keeping a savagely pissed-off and murderous part of the island’s pagan past trapped beneath it.
Rawhead Rex does a few things well. The elevated camera angles and tense music are excellent and if not for his stupid rubber face and joke shop eyes the creature would be a terrifying creation.
Unfortunately, the end result excised or downplayed most of the original story’s subtext, keeping just the aggression for the most part.

2½ jugular veins out of 5

DIAL M FOR MURDER [1954]

Director Alfred Hitchcock's 1954 crime drama, Dial M for Murder, is generally known for being the last of The Golden Age of Cinema's run of 3D films.
It's the tale of a wealthy London man who hatches a plan to have his wife murdered while he's out having some drinks with the boys, only she evades her attacker and the man must scramble to uphold his false illusion of innocence.   Mostly constrained to being set in one room, Hitchcock's camerawork is forced to play with strict inventiveness.  It's clever little piece that doesn't quite have the enthusiasm inserted into it as some of the fat man's other works.  The normally wonderful Grace Kelly is reduced to a dull pawn to Ray Milland's delightfully cold performance.  From a technical standpoint the film is a joy to watch but the rest leaves much to be desired.

3 not-so perfect murders out of 5

Samurai Avenger: The Blind Wolf (2009)

If premise and enthusiasm were enough to ensure a quality product then Samurai Avenger would be more of a winner. It merges the samurai revenge flick with the spaghetti western, two of my favourite genres, and wraps them lovingly in a grindhouse bun. It falls short of the expectations such a paring gives rise to, but it’s still fun in a purposefully 'bad but good' way.
It steals most of its best moments directly from the Lone Wolf and Cub and Zatoichi films, with Sergio Leone close-ups and anime-esque bad guys thrown in for good measure. It has some really good scenes and kills, but there's a lot of down time in between those moments.

3 easi-clean swords out of 5

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)

Peter Cushing played Sherlock Holmes many times but only once for Hammer Studios. His ever-alert, energetic portrayal will surely annoy some folks, but for me he’s the definitive version; so too is André Morell as Watson, a decent detective and reliable friend, not the bumbling idiot of some other works.
It’s unmistakably Hammer, the set-bound elegance is clear to see, and being adapted from a literary source as fine as their horror works meant it was their equal in almost every way. The only downside is the depiction of the moor itself. It needed a more chilling, eerie mystery characterising it.

4 creatures great and small out of 5

BLUE RUIN [2013]

Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier leads us down the darkness of his Southern Gothic revenge flick Blue Ruin with great film-making precision.
 Skinny little nobody Dwight Evans sets out to avenge his murdered parents only to find improvising isn't the best way to go as he gets in way over his head.  Saulnier channels the Coen Brothers and Cormac McCarthy, with an uneasy slow-burning tension that occasionally erupts in spurts of violence that feels uncomfortably closer to reality than most films in it's genre.  Dwight is a cold and distant figure that we wouldn't know if not for the people that nervously surround him and that's where we find what little comfort the film offers.  It could be a pure bloodbath but the film knows precisely when to let the violence in and when to let the pressure cook, proving  itself to be a lot more clever than one might suspect.  A finely shot, hauntingly effective thriller that hypnotizes with it's well-paced reveals and off-beat humor.  

4 Pontiacs out of 5

CHEAP THRILLS [2013]

How far would you go for the ones you love?
How much would you risk when money talks?
Those are some of the questions director E.L. Katz's deliciously nasty and horrifically hilarious Cheap Thrills asks it's off-kilter viewers.
It follows two old high-school buddies who meet a sadistic rich couple that will toss cash at them to perform humiliating deeds that grow increasingly more life threatening with each turn.  Like a reality show no one's watching, the characters turn their backs on dignity and "dance, monkey. Dance".  It pays homage to Roald Dohl's classic short story Man from the South and rightfully so, seeing as it treads over the same sort of themes.  While it's nice to see The Innkeepers' Pat Healy & Sara Paxton together again, it's Ethan Embry & David Koechner that steal the show with their unavoidable screen presence.
It's not a great film but entertainingly twisted enough to be exactly as it's title advertises it to be.  

3 bad days out of 5

Repo Men: Unrated Version (2010)

I expected crap from all but Forest Whitaker, but I was pleasantly surprised by the rest of it. It's like Logan's Run (1976) for a new era, with the colourful hedonism replaced by moody lighting and corporate ugliness.
What kept me entertained the most was the black humour and, more specifically, the many small ironies woven into the situations and social contexts. The hero's change of heart, for example, is pure irony, as is allowing people to extend their life by signing it away.

The future as presented isn't completely unrealistic. It's the American health service taken to its extreme next level. If they could get away with that kind of thing today, then they'd probably do it.

3½ pink sheets out of 5

Coffy (1973)

Aptly named. She's black, hot, can keep you up all night or burn you. It's a Blaxploitation revenge thriller that has a few lull moments but overall rarely puts a foot wrong. There are hilarious moments, too (I lost my shit at the pimp's onesie!). The titular female takes an active role doing what the cops won't: putting a stop to the drug pushers that infect the city. It's not for wholly selfless reasons but that doesn't negate the good she does... with a shotgun. There's a lot of nudity but it really doesn't need it, there's enough meat in the script without the need for compensation elsewhere.

4 campaigns out of 5

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

A trio of firsts for Hammer: their first horror in colour, their first Frankenstein film and the first of their productions to feature Christopher Lee.
The story is a confessional flashback, meaning the Baron’s evolution from cultivating an infectious curiosity to succumbing to an isolating obsession is paced by his own telling, working inexorably toward the creature’s reveal. Universal forbade the use of their existing iconic image, so Hammer had to make their own more gruesome version, sans 'neck-bolts'.
It’s money that enables the Baron to carry out his work; had he been a pauper the creature would never have been born, because meddling in pure science at that level is the preserve of the rich.

4 energies turned out of 5

Suspiria (1977)

Jessica Harper (perfect casting, in my opinion) plays an American ballet student in Freiburg, Germany. She's there to attend a well-renowned dance academy, but discovers that hidden from plain sight is a mystery surrounding a den of evil that co-exists with the accepted reputation.
The unconventional colours aren't at all naturalistic, but like everything else on screen they exist for one reason: to heighten the dramatic effect. The deep reds and blues, the grand architecture, use of shapes in the décor, howling wind and, perhaps most memorable of all, the terrifying music all work in unison to produce something that's perhaps best described as a film that one 'experiences', as opposed to simply 'watches'. It doesn't always make sense and at times is little more than staged set-pieces stitched together, but what a stunning canvas they make when viewed as a whole.

4½ concealing curtains out of 5

Scream, Blacula, Scream (1973)

Human jealousy, a sexist lust for power and movie voodoo all combine to bring Prince Mamuwalde back from the dead.
The dark and stormy nights help push to the fore the fact that Scream is as much a vampire film as it is a blaxploitation film and it isn't going to compromise on either aspect. The former is maintained by a number of dramatically creepy and menacing attacks on victims, whereas the latter is achieved perhaps best of all during a hard-hitting scene on the streets when the vampire, again played by William Marshall, meets a couple of pimps.

3 cultural artefacts out of 5

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD [2015]

After years of directing talking pigs and dancing cartoon penguins, director George Miller returns to the franchise that got him started with the bat-shit crazy action/adventure flick Mad Max: Fury Road.

It's essentially one big huge post-apocalyptic chase movie, packed with jaw-dropping vehicular warfare, with Tom Hardy filling in the title role with many an impressionable grunt, snort and occasional complete English sentence.  It's insane stunts and action sequences are choreographed and edited with such care you're left in complete awe of it's colorful visuals amidst the desolate wastelands.  It's strong female characters, particularly Charlize Theron's ass-kicker, heart-pounding music (courtesy of Junkie XL) and vibrant personality reminds one that the action films can be complete chaos but still shoot it with clear precision and care.  It's out to kick your ass across the floor and has a helluva lot of fun doing it.

4 axe-shredders out of 5

STRIPPED [2014]

Dave Kellet & Frederick Schroeder comic strip documentary, Stripped, is probably known most for featuring the only known recorded interview of Calvin & Hobbes mastermind BillWaterson.  

I does however stand quite well on it's own, as it explores the world of the daily comic strip and how it might survive with print well into it's final days.  It features a slew of interviews with comic strips both old & new, some still in working in physical print and others comfortably well-versed into the digial era.  It does a splendid job at filling us in on the history while acting as a tribute to the days of old but looking cautiously forward to see how the art form will survive.  The pros & cons are both equally as strong as the other but in the end it's inevitable, the digital age will win.  As interesting as the subject matter is upfront, it's just as intriguing to see all the various artists and what sort of different mediums and styles they all use.  It's a well-paced, informative piece that will interest anyone who enjoys the art-form.  

4 better or 4 worse out of 5

Blacula (1972)

The title implies a tongue-in-cheek blaxploitation flick, but the film takes itself seriously and if you trim away the genre trappings there’s a decent vampire film underneath. I feel that more could've been made of the 18th Century slave trading/blood-sucking analogy before the leap to present day Los Angeles, but that it’s there at all is praiseworthy.
William Marshall plays the handsome killer as a friendly sort with a confident voice. He’s more sociable than the typical reclusive vampire, aware of social graces (even when out of his time), but otherwise he’s much the same and even finds his reborn Mina (Vonetta McGee) in a by the numbers situation.
The vampire's nemesis, the Van Helsing role, is filled by a bad-ass police pathologist (Thalmus Rasulala) determined to get his man.

2½ black arts out of 5

The Yakuza Wives (1986)

aka Wives of the Yakuza

A tough Yakuza wife takes on the role of leader while her husband's behind bars, doing her level best to keep the group together, playing the circles of influence while finding time to remain a visible part of the wives hierarchy. It’s a dangerous situation in a typically male dominated world, where a shift in group politics and organisational power could mean bloodshed.
It’s an uneven film that’s almost soap opera at times, but is saved by the performances of the two leading women and the powerful, pragmatic Gosha moments. It was popular at home, perhaps because it was based on actual accounts by real wives. It spawned a shed-load of sequels.

3 ladies nights out of 5

TC 2000 (1993)

When a cover is that awful it’s my goddamn duty to watch it! It’s a futuristic sci-fi starring Billy Blanks in a helmet, taking names, kicking ass, using words like “chump” and “rat-face” and sharing fight-montage time with Bolo Yeung (best known for Enter the Dragon (1973)). Between the many, many fights there’s a story about privileged rich folks living underground and poor unfortunate folks living on a surface that’s been environmentally destroyed. Let’s not forget the female, leather-clad, Robocop-esque villainess played by Bobbie Phillips, for those of us that don’t enjoy smooth man-chest. And you thought it was just another Terminator rip-off, didn't you?

1 tyrant moustache out of 5

PROJECT ALMANAC [2015]

Director Dean Israelite (who will soon be known as the guy who ruined Power Rangers) misses a big opportunity with the time-travelling found footage film Project Almanac.
Here we follow a group of high-school kids who stumble upon the blueprints for a time machine and all is great until they discover the consequences of the ripple effect.  The most glaring mistake the film makes is pointlessly deciding to shoot it as a found footage film.  It's mostly distracting and really takes away from it's overall impact, especially when it's quite obvious the narrative is begging to follow traditional film-making.  Secondly, the story never quite explores all the incredible situations it could have dealt and instead pushes them aside with haste or doesn't even acknowledge them even as their staring the viewer straight in the face.  Still, it comes up with some refreshing ideas and packs in enough fun to hold it's own until the end, even with it's obligatory time-travelling plot-holes galore.

2 most Excellent Adventures out of 5

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION [2002]

Director Roger Avary's theatrical follow-up to Killing Zoe is an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' unhinged dark satirical novel The Rules Of Attraction.
It's the surreal story of three attractive Camden College students who lead jaded lives filled with sex, drugs and a multitude of selfish deeds.  Easton Ellis excels at creating despicable characters who we can't help but be intrigued by, knowing damn well he makes sure they all get their dues by the end.  Here, Avary does a fantastic job at capturing the non-linear storytelling of the novel, while giving it a gnashing bite all his own, which quite often you wish would be just a bit more subtle than it is.  The film completely lacks any sort of charm or anything even remotely pleasant to make it a comfortable viewing.  Front-to-back, it's pretty disgusting and if you realize that's exactly what it sets out to be and you're down with it, then it's pretty damned entertaining.  Who doesn't want to see Kevin Arnold shoot up heroin or Dawson Leery attack a guy with an electric carver?

3 vaginal infections out of 5

Rollerball (1975)

Rollerball isn't a typical sports movie. It's a futuristic, gladiatorial arena bout on skates with the added danger of motorbikes circling the course. Crippling the opposing team is as important as winning; more so to some people.
The players are stars but they're also pawns, shuffled around a board that's hidden from the world at large by the corporation and in the narrative structure by the writers, hinted at by the edgy camera-work and overall feeling of unease that permeates every part. It dares to apply as much emotion off of the playing-field as it does on it, and it excels in doing so.

4 spiked gloves out of 5

TESIS [1996]

aka Thesis

Spanish director Alejandro Amenábar made an impressive debut with the tightly wound thriller Tesis.
By telling the story of a university girl who stumbles upon a genuine snuff film of a former student, the film dissects the human fascination with violence, it's many different forms and reactions to it and the United States' violent effect on the rest of the world's cinema.  It starts off as a clever observation on it's subject matter then slowly twists into an effective thriller packed with some impressively frightening scenes and just enough humor to not become completely repulsive.  I loved trying to guess who the murderer was and it did a fantastic job at making you second guess every single character every two minutes or so.  For a film so absorbed in violence it never resorts to anything overly graphic but those searching for that sort of thing have the supremely inferior 8MM to turn to.  

4 Birthdays Of Infanta out of 5

The Robert E. Howard Collection

You may not have heard the name Robert Ervin Howard before, but the chances are good that thanks to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career you've heard of his most famous creation; Howard created Conan the Barbarian.
His stories of high adventure set in fantastical worlds appeared in numerous pulp magazines during his short lifetime, most notably in Weird Tales.
Much from that era has been forgotten or lost, but many of Howard's characters endure, enjoying a success in both print and on screen that he sadly never saw. He died in 1936 by his own hand, aged just thirty.

On Nutshell:
01. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
02. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
03. Red Sonja (1985)
04. Kull the Conqueror (1997)
05. Solomon Kane (2009)
06. Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Kull the Conqueror (1997)

It was originally a third Conan film, but Arnie opted out. Kevin Sorbo stepped in, the hero was changed to one of Howard's other creations, Kull of Atlantis, and reset to the Thurian Age, which predates the Hyborian.
Sorbo plays the Atlantean as a kind of less-perfect version of his Hercules character. Being in the right place at the right time grants him some power, but his radical social reforms don’t go down well with the established order.
I like Sorbo, but his inclusion makes it hard to see it as anything other than a TV Movie. Ironically, even though it isn't, that’s a beneficial way to think of it because it falls short of being a cinematic experience. Still, it's cheesy fun.

2½ stripes of the tiger out of 5

Jungleground (1995)

Lt. Jake Cornell gets his ass trapped in Jungleground, an isolated, lawless zone within the larger city structure. He must escape the mean streets within a set time or there’ll be consequences for more than just himself.
It takes parts of The Warriors (1979) and Escape from NY (1981) and merges them with a few new threads, neither of which are at odds with the cheesy fun times provided by the others.
Piper is a good fit to the character type needed. He's tough but sensitive and trained to see the bigger picture.
What lets it down the most is the weak villain. He’s not mean enough, nor believable in the role, being too young and handsome. He looks like he just walked off the set of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series.

3 burning cars out of 5

THE FISHER KING [1991]

Director Terry Gilliam once again sets out on a quest for the Holy Grail only this time it clashes with a harsh reality in the whimsical off-beat drama The Fisher King.
Jeff Bridges plays a former shock-rock radio personality who searches for redemption by helping out a mentally ill homeless man,  played near-straight by Robin Williams, who's life he inadvertently destroyed.  New York City seen through Gilliam's eyes is a fantastical concrete jungle that shines it's spotlight on a interesting host of different classes, all of which finds ways to intertwine quite comfortably.  The wonderful story about redemption, wounded souls, romance and bravery is complimented by wonderful performances from all it's leading actors.   It's funny, sad, touching and most of all flourishing with Gilliam's unique touch.

5 wooden boys out of 5

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY [2015]

Who knew it was possible to make a film about sadomasochism so dull?
Somehow director Sam Taylor-Johnson manages to pull it off with her adaptation of E.L. James' notoriously bad erotic novel Fifty Shades Of Grey.
It's about a mousy young woman who is enchanted by the mystery of a boringly broody rich guy with a fetish for getting exactly what he wants.  The leading characters are so soap-operish boring, it hurts to see The Fall's Jamie Dornan take such a nosedive in quality with his choices in roles.  The dialogue teeters between hilarious and cringe-worthy, while the mundane plotting & pacing makes Twilight look like Citizen Kane.  Rumor has it that the film is infinitely better than the book but I have no knowledge of that and cringe to think of how it could get any worse.

1 shade of...yawn...zzzzzzz.

STRANGE MAGIC [2015]

Sound designer Gary Rydstrom makes his feature length directorial debut with George Lucas' CGI animated Strange Magic.
It's the story of a fairy princess who finds herself in the middle of a forest battle of goblings, elves, imps and various other strange creatures over a very powerful love potion.  It's basically A Midsummer Night's Dream given the Glee/American Idol make-over with it's attack of poorly reconstructed pop songs from all over the musical map.  The character designs are sloppily uninspired, the story is an uneven mess of boredom and the whole affair is just really really annoying.
It's perfectly acceptable to feel sorry for oneself should they find themselves having to sit through it from beginning to end.

1 petal out of 5

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

It's the first in Hammer's Dracula series not to use the previous film's ending (Scars of Dracula (1970)) as a starting point. Instead, it places the Count and the Van Helsing characters together in a new, invented scenario, and as bizarre as it sounds the majority of what follows really is set in 1972.
The juxtaposition of the established formula and the swinging, urban London with its hip 70s lingo is a hurdle, but the addition of Cushing and Lee help ease the viewer over it. The contemporary music, however, is more of a problem.
The script aims for clever and ironic but often ends up silly and comedic.
It was good to see an efficient police service for a change, reflective of the role they played during the era, keeping the degradation of moral values away from the classes that found it unsavoury.

2½ derelict happenings out of 5

JUPITER ASCENDING [2015]

The Wachowski's latest beautiful mess comes in the form of the ambitious space opera Jupiter Ascending.
Mila Kunis stars as the chosen one who learns the Earth is not what it seems and she's fallen smack in the middle of an intergalactic battle for the control of the industrial harvesting of the human race.  It's interesting to see Kunis take the role of what is usually male but unfortunately she still needs to love and be saved by Channing Tatum in his hilarious 60's Star Trek make-up.  It's jam-packed with beyond gorgeous visuals, imaginative easy-to-follow action sequences, a wonderful musical score from Michael Giacchino and great dedication to the genre.  However it's bogged down by flat-lining characters with tired performances, a muddy script, jokes that make George Lucas & Peter Jackson look like comedy geniuses and terribly wonky pacing which includes an overly long tribute to Terry Gilliam's Brazil that would have made one of the best deleted scenes ever due to it's punchline.

3 wings out of 5

Solomon Kane (2009)

My TV is capable of displaying tens of millions of colours. SK made use of about 10% of them. It’s a colour-drained bore in which even the grass is gray.
The characters are just as limited. Kane is a charisma-vacuum. Admittedly, having a soul that’s damned and fearing the reaper will reap your ass at any time would put a dampener on life, but did the gloom have to be passed so completely onto the viewer? It also rains a lot. It’s set in England, so I suppose they should get credit for showing that side of it.
The reliance on CGI only serves to increase the sense that nothing is real, except the feeling that we all want the misery to end.

1½ shadows kept at bay out of 5

Air Doll (2009)

The story of an average Japanese worker’s love doll coming to life is a bizarre premise, I admit, but the result is a fantastic film.

She awakens to the world without prejudices, sees it with new eyes and an emotional state that’s untainted by years of modern living. Through her we meet a small number of lonely people with secret lives, people who do no harm to anyone but exist on the fringes, for whom the city is a collection of impersonal aspects and cold, unknowable faces.

The story does most of what you’d expect it to do but with so much heart ingrained in the subtext that it touches perfection many times.

4½ deep breaths out of 5

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE [2014]

Director Matt Vaughn returns to his pip-pip roots with the highly entertaining action/comedy Kingsman: The Secret Service, loosely based on Mark Millar & Dave Gibbon's comic book series of the same name.
It's the tale of a young council estate delinquent who is recruited by his mysterious upper-class uncle for a British spy organization that goes against an American eco-terrorist.  Vaughn calls back his crude, comic book ultra-violence of Kick-Ass and meshes it with his wide-eyed coming-of-age wonder of X-men: First Class then stuffs it with a suave snarkiness that's both satirical and dedicated to the '60's British spy films it's taking the piss out of.  It's pretty uneven at times but it hardly deters from the bat-shit crazy fun that's to be had especially with Colin Firth & Michael Caine having a ball doing what they do best, while Sammy Jackson is an absolute hoot as the super villain with a lisp.

3½ James Bonds, Jason Bournes & Jack Bauers out of 5

Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter (1970)

It was filmed at the same time as the previous Stray Cat (Wild Jumbo) but Sex Hunter is a much better film. It gets the mix of funky Jazz, seduction and gang violence just right. The gangs are split by gender, which, far from being stereotypical, enables the ladies (The Alleycats) to take the centre stage position they deserve. They aren't all knives at dawn; beneath the fire there's a sensitivity that knows its place, when to retreat and when to rule.
The introduction of a 'half-breed' puts an opposing male gang (The Eagles) on the warpath, allowing the series to focus its attentions on racism and how it affects even the counter-cultures.

4 faces at the bar out of 5

Mindwarp (1992)

aka Brain Slasher

I think the reason there’s a sliver of Ash in most of Bruce Campbell's characters is because there’s a lot of Bruce in Ash. He accentuates certain traits, of course, but they spring from something real. Furthermore, if he's one of the main stars of a film there’s a good chance he’ll be facing off against some kind of evil creature. Mindwarp is no different.
It goes for a 70s style version of the 21st century, which is something I really like; the poor-man’s pre-Matrix VGA port in the back of the neck was hilarious. The synthetic world that the female protagonist (Marta Martin) wants to escape is kind of similar, too, but the remainder of the film isn't. Much of it is set underground where the lighting is bad, but it helps hide budget limitations and makes sense because it's where the aforementioned evil lives.

3 skullfulls of blood out of 5

RUN ALL NIGHT [2015]

I think it's time to admit that I am fully enthusiastic about flashy hard-boiled thrillers about old guys (mainly Denzel Washington or Liam Neeson) who are usually ex-marines, ex-assassins or some guy who used to kill and need to find a way to redeem themselves before they too finally bite the bullet.
With that generic description you pretty much get the idea of director Jaume Collet-Serra's latest, the laughably titled Run All Night.  It starts out like a Google Maps app on speed but about an hour in I found myself pretty involved and intrigued with the mess that it was, before it winds down into a pretty formulaic and dull climax.  It met all my expectations and just sort of hovered on that notion for the duration of the film.

3 Fairytales in New York out of 5

I Am Legend (2007)

The thing that Hollywood’s third attempt finally got right was to use some of their millions of dollars to show a world reclaimed by nature; the overgrown foliage and wild animals prowling the streets add authenticity.
The first half of the film is good, or maybe not as shit as I remembered it being, but once the infected CGI Resident Evil rejects make an appearance it begins a slow and steady decline into colourless tedium.
Two different endings were shot. They used the shit one. If you can, check out the superior one directly after to undo a little of the damage.

2½ human trials out of 5

TERMINAL BAR [2003]

Terminal Bar is the first of four short films about the infamous New York City watering hole, from director/animator Stefan Nadelman.
Told through a series of black & white photographs taken by bartender Sheldon Nadelman, the film gives an intimate glimpse of the rough looking inhabitants of the equally rough Times Square pub, while it existed throughout the 70's and early 80's.  It's not a particularly artistic approach to the subject matter but more of a fascinating archival glimpse at an era with the types of folks you'd find in Martin Scrosese's Taxi Driver.  It's fast pace keeps up with Nadelman's observations as a bartender and probably would have been a lot slower and more somber had it been from the point of view of a customer, which I would have preferred, just so I could study the close-up portraits and street photography just a bit longer.

3½ bathroom blow-jobs out of 5