TWILIGHT [2008]

Oh, sweet zombie Jesus.

Director Catherine Hardwicke does a shitty job at adapting Stephanie Meyer's first shitty tween romance/vampire novel, Twilight for the screen.  Robert Pattinson, who I normally like, wanders around like he doesn't give a shit (as it turns out he didn't).  Kristen Stewart who is great at playing insecure, broken characters is absolutely terrible at playing a "strong" protagonist.  Carter Burwell's score distracts like it was written for a 90's TV movie.  The stormy sky backdrop is quite nice and so is Peter Facinelli as a *lol* bleach blonde vampire doctor.

I know I'm not the target audience here but it can't be denied that tweenage girls can do so much better than this shitfest.  

2 smelly girls out of 5

The Hidden Blade (2004)

The second film in Yamada’s trilogy of Samurai period dramas is structurally very similar to its predecessor, but the characters and setting are different and their actions have further reaching consequences.
It's a story of the individual trapped within a social structure that places great strains and limitations on his conduct and his affections.
Yamada is a master filmmaker. His ability to weigh the passing of time against the stillness of contemplation is honed to perfection. He’d plenty of practice, having made over seventy films previously.

5 sakura out of 5

The Twilight Samurai (2002)

Seibei Iguchi was once a swordsman but is now a low-rank accountant on low pay because the ending of an era meant the warrior class were either retired or moved into positions of bureaucracy.

Despite his change in circumstances, Seibei's main concern remains his family; he'll do everything he can to protect them.

Yamada’s film is a samurai film with a difference, it has almost no swordplay. It's a quiet character study focussing on relationships and personal sacrifice, filled with simplicity and portentous symbolism. It's perfect in every way.

5 azaleas out of 5

WEST OF MEMPHIS [2013]

Following the Paradise Lost films, film-maker Amy Berg covers the West Memphis 3 murder trial and the shitty excuse for justice that was served.

West Of Memphis reveals the clues to us in the same way the public were, manipulating the viewer into wondering if the 3 teenage boys were the satanic murderers they were put on trial as.  However as new clues are unveiled, it becomes frustratingly clear how hysterically close-minded the " good Christian" people of Arkansas were.  Aided by the help of several artists thinking outside the box, including Henry Rollins, Johnny Depp, Patti Smith & Peter Jackson, the 3 were given another trial using new evidence to prove their innocence.  The film is incredibly grim & shocking and with good reason but in the end it's an emotional tale of hope & strength.

4 Stephen King quotes out of 5

A Place In The Sun (1951)

Working boy Montgomery Clift (the housewife's choice) gets himself in a pickle when he falls for the charms of the rich Elizabeth Taylor. He gets trapped between duty and desire, which is never a fun place to be.
Both Clift’s character and the film narrative took a sharp turn that I really wasn't expecting. It's certainly not the typical 1950's Hollywood romance.
It gave Elizabeth her first proper role as a woman with passions and she did a stand-up job. Shelley Winters was equally as good; but that's like saying rain is wet, because Shelly is always good.

3½ American dreams gone sour out of 5

The Big Boss (1971)

Also confusingly called Fists of Fury in some territories, TBB was Bruce's first major film. He plays Zheng Chao-an, a Chinese man fresh off the boat and working in a Thailand ice factory. (In some previous editions it was spelled Cheng). All goes well enough for the new worker until he discovers that the ice factory is more than it initially seems.
It established the template for much of what followed, while highlighting his quiet, respectful persona that only resorts to violence when all other options have been exhausted. As such, it's not until well into the running time that we see the martial arts star in blazing action. But before too long there's some quality WOOOO-oooOOO-WAHH! and he ends up angry, shirtless and bloody.

3 ice tricks out of 5

Running on Karma (2003)

What the hell is this? It's a mess from beginning to end, that's what. It’s not the quality I've come to expect from Andy Lau and Johnnie To. Hang on, it's co-directed by Ka-Fai Wai; that explains part of it.
Lau wears a prosthetic muscle suit to make him look like a body builder, but it makes him look ridiculous. Seeing him running in his naked muscle suit down a road was funny for all the wrong reasons. Bendy CGI beardy Faqir was stupid. And who the hell was slippy crawly over building man? The plot makes very little sense. The ending is a shambles. My poor eyes.

1½ tissue adverts out of 5

Black Snake Moan (2006)

Sam Jackson plays a struggling, God-fearing Mississippi blues guitarist down on his luck but determined to go on. Christina Ricci plays slutty white trash. The two opposites meet and there's a clash of personalities.
Both actors are perfectly cast. Sam is always worth watching, but in Black Snake he gets one of the most fitting roles he’s ever had. His singing voice is superb. If he wasn't an actor he’d make a hell of a genuine bluesman. His version of Stack-o-lee is fantastic.
The film is also the best thing I've ever seen Ricci do; playing against type was a good career move.

3½ thunderstorms out of 5

The Butterfly Effect: Director’s Cut (2004)

The title refers to the principle that if you change one thing, everything that follows is also changed. It’s happening all around you, even now while you read this. If you could undo a traumatic event in your past what would it change about your present? Would it make you a better person?
It's a plot device almost as old as sci-fi itself, so the film distinguishes itself from what’s gone before by adding some heavy adult themes and upping the severity of the consequences.

NOTE: Score applies to the Dir. Cut, which has a more emotionally powerful ending than the theatrical version.

3 nonlinear systems out of 5

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE [2011]

After Mark Steven Johnson's excruciatingly bad take on Marvel's lacklustre Ghost Rider character, Crank witer/director's Brian Taylor & Mark Nelvedine take over for the sequel, Spirit Of Vengeance.

The original film seemed to take itself a little more seriously than it should have, so it was nice to see the sequel indulge itself in the ridiculous trash that it is.  It looks and acts like a Crank film starring Nicholas Cage and toned down by a major studio.  Cage acts like he knows it'll become a series of animated gifs & Youtube clips, which quickly loses it's charm.  

While it might not be as bad as the first film, this one is still pretty bad.  

2 indestructible Twinkies out of 5

THE MASTER [2012]

Director Paul Thomas Anderson doesn't spoon feed the viewer in his L. Ron Hubbard inspired drama The Master. 

The film layers itself with so many subtle nuances and seemingly confusing pointless moments, it challenges the viewer to search for the answers and seek out meanings on their own.  Each shot and moment isn't without reason, like an establishing shot of the water or laying one's hands on a wall.  It's there for a reason and will more than likely alienate anybody looking for a good time.  Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are astonishing as unlikable but ultimately fascinating characters. It's an eerie and engrossing film that reminds you how great a challenging film can be.

4 tasty poisonous shit-mixes out of 5

Rashomon (1950)

They say the camera never lies. But it does in Rashomon.
Kurosawa turns the traditionally objective lens into a subjective tool, recording half-remembered half-truths from unreliable sources.
The story, told partly in flashback, is a simple one about a bandit, a samurai and his wife, but the web of lies surrounding it is far from simple.
With minimal sets and very little dialogue to comfort us it's the technique that makes it special, that makes it infinitely watchable. The fixed perspectives put the onus on the viewer to decide what to believe.

5 kinds of truth out of 5

Welcome to Dongmakgol (2005)

WtD is set during the Korean War (North Vs South) but it’s not a typical war movie. It’s not even a typical Korean movie. It’s adapted from a stage play, so it’s primarily about characters. It’s a quirky, funny, heart-warming tale of people on opposite sides of a divide with a strong anti-war sentiment.
It’s a war movie for people who don’t like war movies.

4 flowers in her hair out of 5

Blade: Trinity (2004)

I can think of a dozen very good reasons why you wouldn't want to watch the third and (hopefully) final entry in the franchise. I’ll list the top three:
1. Ryan Reynolds.
2. Ryan Reynolds.
3. Everything else.
It’s also too long; it should have been cut by about 122 minutes.

0½ a vampire vibrator out of 5

Monster's Ball (2001)

The ability/inability to connect with people and the conflict that arises because of it might not sound like an engaging premise to some, but in the proper hands that conflict is all that's needed to craft engaging, believable characters. Monster's Ball has it in spades.
Tragedy and loss run deep within it and manifest in more than just the obvious signposted way. There are numerous crux points of the story and they're almost all painful. It's not a happy film, but it made me think about things I've never thought about before; that's to be applauded.
Great performances from everyone involved mean it's a story I'll return to again when the time is right.

4 caged birds out of 5

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION [1994]

Director Frank Darabont's film adaptation of the Stephen King novella Rita Hayworth & The Shawshank Redemption is one of those perfect films that doesn't come around that often.

It's a beautiful story of hope, patience and friendship in a world where prison frees your soul while the outside traps it.  All of it complimented by spot-on performances, a large cast of intriguing characters, gorgeous photography, iconic imagery, fascinating camerawork and a heart-wrenching score from Thomas Newman.  It's simply a timeless masterpiece that's touches my soul in the best of ways.

5 rock hammers out of 5

Hitman (2007)

Some people look Badass Bruce when they shave their head, but Olyphant looked like he’d just stepped out of the Intensive Care Unit; except for a bloody great barcode on the back of his head that no one seemed to notice. A tattoo like that is just the thing to keep you low-key when you’re a secret assassin hiding from the law~.
I didn't play the games, so don’t know how faithful it is to Agent 47's origin.
On the plus side it isn't made by Uwe Boll.

0½ a wig would've been useful out of 5

DEAD SUSHI [2012]

It's no secret that camp director Noboru Iguchi is a little bit weird & has a taste for naked girls, so Dead Sushi shouldn't really come as a surprise...unless of course you've never seen zombie sushi before.

It's a sort of "see it to believe it" type of situation with it's manic energy, oddball lowbrow comedy and taste for buckets of CGI blood.  It runs about 30 minutes too long, while it focuses on the actions of boring one-note characters and not enough on the hilariously more developed pieces of sushi.  The joke wears pretty thin as you realize Iguchi used up all his imagination at the 30 minute mark and the film's action and jokes begin to recycle themselves.  

2 unusual textures with strong iron tastes out of 5

Lust, Caution (2007)

It should be renamed Slow, Caution.
The sumptuous lighting and quality acting can't disguise the fact that it moves at a snail's pace; a lame snail drunk on saline.

2 games of Mahjong out of 5

ZODIAC [2007]

Director David Fincher tones down the abrasive shocks of his usual crime thrillers and opts for a more quietly thoughtful mood in 2007's unsolved crime-drama Zodiac.

Based on the story of the San Franciso serial killer known only as "Zodiac" in the '60's & 70's, the film fascinates with an age so close to ours yet the technology and ways of approaching such a case is vastly different today.  

With it's long scenes of heavy dialogue, precise attention to detail, flat yet strangely gorgeous photography (particularly the dizzying establishing shots) and slow-burning offering of the puzzle pieces, the film will most likely scare away Fincher fans of Se7en and Fight Club who will be expecting their fanboy needs met with violence, a loud soundtrack and cynical dialogue all of which is thankfully absent.  

4 animal crackers out of 5

BOLT [2008]

Disney Animations Studios' 49th film Bolt is a crowd pleaser front to back.
It's a fast-paced colorful, gentle, funny and sentimental adventure without ever feeling forced or too much.  While it is obvsiouly aimed for the kids, adults might get a few good laughs at the excellent dialogue, hilariously detailed animation and film-making moments in the story.  It's nice to see Disney go back to it's old family friendly feel rather than some of their more recent "edgy" comedic films.

3½ boom mics in the shot out of 5 

BRAVE [2012]

Pixar regulars Mark Andrews & Brenda Chapman with some heavy help from Sam & Max mastermind, Steve Purcell, direct the fantasy adventure Brave.

It teaches the hilarious lesson of the best way to understand your mother is to turn her into a bear.  Take notes, kids, as you find out whether or not your mom shits in the woods.  Unlike Pixar's other films, where the premise and settings are usually quite different, Brave settles itself into more a traditional Disney style and never really offers anything different from what we've seen before.  It's probably the most beautiful looking film to come out of the company but also the most cut-and-dried as well.

3 will-o'-the-wisps out of 5

Sinéad O'Connor: Live at the Sugar Club (2008)

An acoustic live session from the outspoken singer/songwriter that was recorded in Dublin in 2006. It's an intimate, seated performance (possibly because Sinéad was pregnant at the time) noteworthy for featuring the début performance of the acoustic half of most of the songs from her then-unreleased Theology (2007) album. Sadly it only lasts 40 minutes. I’d have liked more. It was limited to 2000 copies, so might be hard to find these days, but it's worth the effort if you're a fan. You also get the show on CD.

3 conceptual rivers out of 5

A Scanner Darkly (2006)

The less you know about A Scanner Darkly in advance the better. What I can say is that it's based on a Phillip K. Dick novel, which means it explores themes including, but not limited to, paranoia, schizophrenia and the shifting nature of reality. It uses sci-fi ideas but it isn't sci-fi. Dick fans and people that like to give their brain some exercise should enjoy it.
The film was shot as normal and then digitally painted by hand in a painstaking process that took 18 months. If the resultant visual style puts you off watching, then you're not the target audience anyhow and you can go on with life confident that you've not wasted your time, nor that of the filmmakers.

3½ objective points of view out of 5

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS [2012]

Based on William Joyce's series of children's books, The Guardians Of Childhood & The Man On The Moon short film, the CGI animated adventure, Rise Of The Guardians collects all the childhood imaginary heroes in one film to create an Avengers sort of extravaganza.

With the help of producer Guillermo Del Toro, the film raises the bar in imagination and beautifully designed characters & backgrounds, all told with an even enough pace to never get too boring.  Unfortunately the characters are pretty plain and the dialogue constantly flatlines into insignificance which shamefully puts Jude Law's deliciously villainous performance to waste.

3 beliefs out of 5

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

Sergio Leone’s expansive and lengthy western isn't of the 'Spaghetti' variety made famous by his Dollars Trilogy. It’s more traditional and respectful to established convention, but it took the bar and raised it to max level.
The pace is slow and expectant, reliant on timed audio to captivate and characterise. Composer Ennio Morricone gave each character their own theme and used them to reinforce what goes unsaid (reportedly the 165 min running time had only fifteen pages of dialogue). Charles Bronson gives what's perhaps the best performance of his career as the man with the harmonica.

5 trains and tracks out of 5

True Grit (1969)

John Wayne plays an eye-patch wearing U.S. Marshal with a tough façade and a love of the bottle, or more precisely what's in the bottle. There's an attempt to give him a dual nature, but Wayne's abundant charisma is impossible to hide and even when he's being mean he's likeable.
Similarly, Kim Darby has two sides to her but it too is surface deep.
It's a typical American tale that moves from A to B to C with no great surprises, but it's a great film, nonetheless, full of humour and charm.
The 2010 Coen Bros version is equally as good.

4 corks popped out of 5

WRECK-IT RALPH [2012]

Veteran The Simpsons & Futurama director Rich Moore colors the animated Disney film Wreck-It Ralph with enthusiastic nostalgia and energy.

A visual feast for the eyes and a high-octane thrill ride for the kids, Ralph is packed with video game character cameos and in-jokes for the older crowd to enjoy as well. The plot gets a little muddy in spots but it's so much damned fun it won't matter too much.  John C. Reilly and Sarah Silverman deliver some wonderful voice performances, complimented with the film's wild imagination and thoughtfulness. 

3½ Bad Anonymous meetings out of 5

Red Sonja (1985)

Inspired by author Robert E. Howard's Hyborian age stories, Red Sonja, the She-Devil with a Sword, got her own film.
Arnie co-stars as a tactless barbarian but he isn't Conan. Why the hell not? There must've been licensing issues behind the scenes, because it's one hell of a missed opportunity. Or it would be if the film was better.
The addition of an irritating child character means the sexualised female warrior role is curtailed, but the homophobia remains. Typical.
I can't remember the last time I saw so many polystyrene rocks collected together in one place.

1½ plastic swords out of 5

SEXYKILLER, MORIRAS POR ELLA [2008]

One shouldn't expect quality filmmaking based off the title Sexykiller, in fact one should throw all expectations out the window, along with their brain and dignity, while viewing such a film.

Miguel Martí's schlocky horror-comedy takes sometime to get into but about 30 minutes into the film, I think I finally saw eye-to-eye with what they were doing.  So I sat back feeling a little entertained and a little ashamed, all the while trying to come up with something bad to say about a film that says it all on it's own in the title.  It was enjoyably stupid and occasionally annoying but never enough to shut it off.  

2½ heads in a purse out of 5

Ninja in the Dragon's Den (1982)

Corey Yuen’s solo directorial début is classic stuff, but it has some odd comedy throughout, both intentional (which is awful) and unintentional (which is embarrassingly funny). The comedy functions mostly as a brief lull between the many action scenes, but it'll have some people reaching for the stop button. If you can endure it you're rewarded with some inventive martial arts action scenes that are clear influences on the direction the genre took in the years that followed.

3 asses on fire out of 5

Being John Malkovich (1999)

An unashamedly weird and hugely enjoyable film that offers up complex Freudian concepts and then somehow makes you not care that they get whitewashed over, because it was into a large tin of pure originality that writer Charlie Kaufman dipped his brush. It's the kind of comedy that makes you smile wryly, but would be equally at home in the tragedy section. If you over-analyse the plot too much it’ll start to turn in on itself, so just roll with it and have your faith restored in cinema for a short time.
John Malkovich is wonderful as... er...  Malkovich, and Cusack gives one of his best performances ever.

3½ low overheads out of 5

FINDING NEMO [2003]

Andrew Stanton successfully brings life to the Pixar's fifth CGI animated film Finding Nemo with the help of beautiful visuals and strong voice performances from Albert Brooks and Ellen DeGeneres.

It tells the timeless story of a clownfish who is willing to take risks for the first time in his life in order to find his missing son.  Stanton blends touching moments with genuine humor, filled with a fantastic cast of supporting characters that all leave you in awe with it's wonder and imagination.  

One of Pixar's best with it's seamless storytelling that fully absorbs you into a different world.

5 Tank Gangs out of 5

KILL FOR ME [2013]

I started out as a Nut-wiper doing a shitty Michael Greenspan film and now it seems I've returned to his special brand of celluoid crap with Kill For Me.

It plays, looks and sounds like a 90's Wednesday afternoon made-for-TV film with Jennie Garth or Alyssa Milano which only couch assed, bonbon addicted housewives would watch.  No shit of a lie.  It's that bad and predictable. Television actresses Arrow's Katie Cassidy and Revolution's Tracy Spiridakos (I think she's wearing the same costume too) play the faux lesbians in peril that don't have the brains to call the police when they should.  

A definite runner for Piece Of Shit Of The Year award.

½ shames for Donal Logue out of 5

Paheli (2005)

Paheli uses the love-triangle scenario that Indian cinema is fond of, but gives it a supernatural spin. It’s a romantic folk tale that’s playful and colourful on the surface, but has a deeper subtext of uxorial duty versus womanly passions, and explores the conflict of interests that arise as a result. It keeps itself safe by not attempting to offer a hackneyed solution to a problem that will be different for everyone that experiences it. It's a successful show and tell of the typically hidden and secretive.

3 singing birds out of 5

Dollar for the Dead (1998)

A loving tribute to Sergio Leone’s film style with some exciting action scenes peppered throughout that actually manage to push the visual clichés aside just long enough to make it a decent Saturday afternoon distraction while you wait for the spaghetti to cook. I can forgive its low budget and cheapo cinematography because it has a workable plot, but I can’t forgive Estevez’s lack of charisma, nor the complete absence of atmosphere which could easily have been remedied by a quick trip to the sound effects library. It's fun but forgettable.

2½ bags of gold out of 5

EXCISION [2012]

Like May & American Mary, Richard Bates Jr.'s Excision is one of those unique character study films that lingers with you long after it's done.

At times it's intensely disturbing, shockingly funny, unapologetic in it's twisted execution and carried by a fearless performance from 90210's AnnaLynne McCord.  As outlandish as the film is on the outside, underneath it's tale of family and social dysfunctions is painfully realistic grounding the film in an unsettling reality. Filled with a gaggle of cameos from cult film fan favorites, Excision is definitely aiming for the oddball crowd that doesn't mind going on an uncomfortable yet entertaining ride.

3½ truth horns out of 5

MR. BROOKS [2007]

Stand By Me screenwriter Bruce A. Evans directs Kevin Costner as a serial killer in the twisted, psychological thriller Mr. Brooks.

William Hurt chews up the scenes as Costner's deliciously evil psyche giving the film an intriguing and fascinating first act.  The second act starts to complicate things but shows promise that it will unravel into something jaw-dropping.  The third act collapses under it's own weight & the multiple ludicrous sub-plots that might have been forgiven had they been handled with more care and wit.  The shining light throughout the entire film is surprisingly Demi Moore as the hardened detective on Costner's trail.  If she was smart she'd seek out more roles like these because she's quite believable in it.

3 plastic bags out of 5 

FANBOYS [2009]

It's the year 1998 and a group of Star Wars nerds decide to steal a workprint of The Phantom Menace for their terminally ill friend.  

Kyle Newman's Fanboys had potential to be stupidly funny but instead the studio interfered, hacked it up, failed and then tried to put it back together again resulting in something resembling Womp Rat crap.  Signs of life shine through the mess but never enough to produce anything wonderful.  Star Wars fans will get a few chuckles out of the in-jokes and gaggle of cameos from Star Wars alumni & celebrity fans but the rest is just simply not funny.  A real waste of a funny premise.

2 two-timing Shatners out of 5

PATHOLOGY [2008]

Crank screenwriters Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor take us into the wonderfully creepy world of autopsies in director Marc Schölermann's gruesome thriller Pathology.

The far-fetched premise goes like this: an elite group of pathology interns devise a game in which they murder people and get each other to guess how they each committed the crime.  Once you get past the unrealistic notion of it all, you're left with a creepsome thriller that builds and builds on it's ickiness with delicate precision.  Even when they're playing good guys, Milo Ventimiglia & Michael Weston are creepy, so it's nice to see them go all out.  If the sound of a film that seems like a lost Clive Barker tale directed by David Cronenberg sounds like fun then this one might be for you.  

3 frozen lungs out of 5 

THE COTTAGE [2008]

After being thoroughly impressed with Paul Andrew Williams' London To Brighton, I was eager to see his take on horror-comedy in The Cottage. 

Turns out I was to be vastly disappointed with this lacklustre snoozefest.  It's just scratches the surface of mildly funny and supplies next to no scares, which in my books is a failure.  Apart from a few slight titters, I found the 92 minutes to be excruciatingly long and difficult to enjoy.  If you're going to hire an entertaining character actor like Andy Serkis don't get him to play the straight man because it sucks even more fun out of the end product.  Piss on this film.

1 moth out of 5

GRABBERS [2012]

The Irish try their hand at creature features in Jon Wright's charming, booze-soaked, monster comedy Grabbers.

Channeling J.J. Abrams, Joe Dante & Steven Spielberg, Wright manages to craft an enthusiastic thrill ride packed with enough laughs and creepy crawlies to earn itself the title of "romp".  The dialogue and actors stay at a steady pace to never get overly silly while still keeping funny enough to never get too revolting.  It's short enough to never overstay it's welcome and long enough to make sure you care for the characters.  Front to back it's simply an enjoyable horror-comedy.

3 super-soaker flame-throwers out of 5

BIG NOTHING [2006]

David Schwimmer, Simon Pegg & Alice Eve are three bumbling losers trying their hand at crime in Jean-Baptiste Andrea's crime caper Big Nothing.

The film starts off a little bumpy as it finds difficulty in perfecting the balance of it's off-kilter black comedy but as soon as things start to spiral out of control for the trio the ball starts rolling and doesn't let up until the credits roll.  For being quite good friends in real life, Schwimmer & Pegg's onscreen chemistry is a little awkward and hurts the humorous moments a bit until Eve's character comes in and bridges the gap quite nicely. It's got it's huge flaws but all in all, Big Nothing is good, twisted fun.

3 Careful With That Axe, Josie out of 5

[REC] ³: GENESIS [2012]

The third installment in the [REC] horror series, titled Genesis, features director Paco Plaza flying solo this time around.  

Thankfully, the found footage aspect of the series is dropped 20 minutes into the film and plays the rest of it out like a regular film, completely ignoring why these films are called [REC] in the first place.  In a bold move, a healthy dose of humor is inserted into the film, risking alienating hardcore manboy fans of the more serious predecessors. It's more laughs, nary a thrill or chill and contrary to it's title, Genesis, no real explanation of the origin of the "virus".  As troubled as the film is, I found it to have it's entertaining moments and not as bad as the 2nd film.

2½ Spongebob copyrights out of 5

LONDON TO BRIGHTON [2006]

Director Paul Andrew Williams makes his feature film debut with the British thriller London To Brighton, a expanded version of his short film Royalty.

The film opens with two girls, one with a black eye and one in hysterical tears, hiding in a filthy public toilet stall and that's all I can say as the film cleverly reveals itself  through flashbacks in an evenly paced manner right up until the final moments.  Driven by an astonishingly powerful performance from Georgia Groome, this gritty film is disturbing, intensely frightening and packs an emotional wallop. 

3½ trains out of town out of 5

Once Upon a Time in China and America (1997)

aka: Once Upon a Time in China 6

Look at the poster art! Jet Li is back as Wong Fei-Hung! Yay!
Sadly, that's where the celebrations end because this final entry in the OUaTiC series is an abomination. Sammo Hung directs and choreographs an uncharacteristically lazy Tsui Hark script, filled with characters that have no reason to be there other than to advance the clichéd plot. Reversing the cultural situation and blending the Martial Arts film with the Western is an interesting idea, but it's never fully capitalised upon.
Jet made worse films than this when he went to America, but surely this must be his worst Hong Kong film?

1½ English speaking native Indians out of 5

Once Upon a Time in China 5 (1995)

OUaTiC Part 5 is a reunion of sorts with Porky Wing, Bucktooth So, 13th Aunt, 14th Aunt, Clubfoot, Foon and Wong Kei-ying all sharing screen space! The only one still missing is Jet Li, meaning Vincent Zhao plays Wong Fei-hung for the second time. Tsui Hark resumes directing. Yuen Bun goes back to fight choreography duties.
Despite being spread thin over the many characters, and again lacking the weighty politics of the early entries, the plot is richer than part 4.

3 kung-fu pirates out of 5

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR [2007]

Director Gregory Wilson adapts novelist Jack (The Woman) Ketchum's The Girl Next Door into one of the most disturbing films I've seen in a long time.

Inspired by the Sylvia Likens torture & murder case, the film takes place in the 50's, which gives it the same sort of nostalgic flair a Stephen King novel might have.  However the King comparisons end there as it dives deep into places I'd rather not think about or care to see again. Like the classic psychological horror films, The Collector & Peeping Tom, it explores the terrifying psyche of a lunatic and the effects she has on others.  At first I was fooled by the friendly TV movie like look it had but an unexpected and unsettling dread slowly crept under my skin making me think it was intentional.  As powerfully acted and written as it is, I don't think I'll be venturing down this way ever again.

4 crayfish out of 5

THE ABC'S OF DEATH [2013]

The ABC's Of Death is a collection of short segments by a variety of genre directors & film mediums from all over the world, including Ti West, Angela Bettis, Xavier Gens, Jake West, Adam Wingard & more.

Each segment is assigned a letter of the alphabet that features a death that must relate to it.  In a way it reminded me of the teaser intros to Six Feet Under, as I tried to guess how each death was going to play out in the often bizarre scenario. The quality of each segment ranges from great to terrible but never really seems to hurt the sickening enjoyment of it all.  They're wildly funny, immensely disturbing and sometimes excruciatingly disgusting.  It's not high art but packs in enough squeamish laughter to please horror film nuts for an evening.

2½ letter blocks in blood out of 5

Razor Blade Smile (1998)

British vampire flick shot by Jake West in just three weeks on a budget of £12,000. When you consider those limitations, it’s an impressive achievement. However, as an actual film it’s not so remarkable.
Eileen Daly makes a great sexy Vamp but her acting is below average; it could be argued she makes up for that with enthusiasm, but it doesn't save the film. It’s got some striking scenes and some real promise, but is much too long and the ending isn't nearly strong enough.

2 moody subcultures out of 5