Rendez-vous (1985)

French erotic drama peopled by dysfunctional, selfish individuals that have nothing appealing about their character whatsoever. There was only one person I felt any sympathy for and he arrived late to the proceedings.
Strangely, it left me with more to think about after it ended than was apparent before the credits rolled.

2½ I'd kick that bitch out the door out of 5

The Big Lebowski (1998)

The Dude is an everyman who takes pride in his laziness and likes to have the occasional drink; occasional being all the time. He also likes to bowl.
He gets unwillingly embroiled in a case of mistaken identity, so decides to seek reparations. You'll likely either love it or wonder what all the fuss and fan-following is about. I love it. It's my favourite Coen brothers film.

5 beverages out of 5

Dil To Pagal Hai (1997)

The usual fare: love triangle, heartache, comedy, fifty people dancing in perfect unison in the rain, and Shah Rukh Khan putting the rest of the male population to shame with his awesomeness.
My only problem with this one is that it features a woman so perfect she can’t ever exist in reality; it’s too much of a fairytale to be believable, too floaty and dreamy to settle heavily into my heart.
During the occasional moments when it did manage to hit home it felt like an undiscovered Shakespearean romance. Less Disney Princess and more real drama would have made it three hours of greatness.

3 la la la la laahs out of 5

Final Destination (2000)

Teen-movies have almost no value as films once you're out of your teens. Teen horror is the same. Screaming blondes that can only count to 5 because that’s how many fingers they have on one hand, or more likely how many dicks they sucked the night before in the barn, scream as they run and scream as they die! Final Destination is different; it’s a teen movie that kills off the irritating teens in happy joy-joy ways with almost no screaming. That's really its only appeal. The acting is bad. The editing is bad. The script is bad. The direction is bad. Even Tony Todd embarrassed himself.

1 hurry up and die in a ludicrous way or I'm hitting the stop button out of 5

TOKYO GODFATHERS [2003]

From the late-director Satoshi Kon and Shogo Furuya, comes the light-hearted anime Tokyo Godfathers.

Based around themes of  family, forgiveness and twists of fate, the film is beautifully animated to emphasize on the emotions and expressions of these quirky, yet lovable characters.  This is a Christmas themed film so expect the schmaltz to be played heavily.  Especially near the end.  Just when you think it can't get anymore melodramatic, it does.  Then does it again and again.

It's packed with enough laughs, original action pieces and a refreshing group of characters to be forgiven.

3½ "12-25"'s out of 5

WINTER'S BONE [2010]

Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes turn in some brilliantly subtle performances in this dreary adaptation of Daniel Woodrell's country noir novel Winter's Bone.
A quiet little thriller that doesn't resort to car chases or much violence but still manages to flourish with believable tension, dread and the haunting backdrop of a poverty-stricken rural, drug-addled area of Missouri.
It effectively captures the feeling of hopelessness, community and depression without trying to be flashy or overly stylish.

4 Nightmare Squirrels out of 5

RocknRolla (2008)

Guy Ritchie crime thriller set in London. The criminal underworld, the property market and the music business clash, while a couple of likely lads find themselves a part of the pot stirring. It’s cruelly funny in places, which was a nice surprise. Mr Shouty Butler was really good, the only time I've ever enjoyed watching him do anything other than die. Ritchie's films are always beautifully edited, but he needs to learn to hire more ruthless people, much of this could have been chopped and it would've made for a tighter film.

2½ back of the hand out of 5

Mean Creek (2004)

A group of teenagers plan revenge on a school bully, but when it gets down to it, is he as bad as he seems? MC is not a happy film, but it’s a damn good film. The sense of impending disaster is almost suffocating. The low budget and lack of big names will mean it’s overlooked by most people; it’s their loss.

3½ big brothers out of 5

The Six Million Dollar Man (1973)

aka: Cyborg (1973)

Damn civilian pilots. Steve Austin got himself ruined but they can rebuild him! They'll give him bionic legs so he can run in slow motion montages.
Adjusted for inflation he’d be the over 100 million dollar man. It’d still be shit.

1 sympathetic nurse out of 5

SEVERANCE [2006]

What's supposed to be a leisurely weekend in the Hungarian mountains goes horribly wrong when people start dying one by one. It's pretty safe to admit the premise has become tiresome, however Severance changes the pace enough to prevent a complete waste of time.
Director Christopher Smith throws in a mischievously evil sense of humor, while effectively building up the tension as well, giving off a Dog Soldiers vibe. Admittedly the film has it's fair share of bumps and slips, especially in final act, but it's entertaining enough to satisfy the horror-hound craving some hilarious bloody carnage.

3 Dr. Strangelove's out of 5

THE GIFT [2000]

Director Sam Raimi avoids typecast once again by dipping into the Southern supernatural crime-drama The Gift.
It's pretty safe to say Cate Blanchett holds up the whole film with her mesmerizing fragile performance. Not to say she didn't have a little help from some effectively frightening performances from Keanu Reeves & Giovanni Ribisi, as well as the beautiful and haunting backdrop of Southern Georgia.
Unfortunately the film is far too predictable and provides very little in the scare department. However, it's the actor's fine jobs that kept me coming back to this film more than once.

3 Elfman The Fiddler's out of 5

GONE BABY GONE [2007]

After the success of Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck made a name for himself for making really shitty movies. Thankfully, Shutter Island novelist Dennis Lehane's Gone Baby Gone came along and inspired Affleck to direct the film for the big screen.
This neo-noir Boston crime drama is a compelling, sad and disturbing story about moral stature and where your heart truly feels is home. Casey Affleck is once again amazing in his performance, as is Ed Harris and Michelle Monaghan. Both Affleck brothers bring a certain type of authenticity and emotional impact to film that you know they're making it straight from their hearts.

4 "Mirabelle"'s out of 5

MY DOG TULIP [2009]

My Dog Tulip is an animated memoir of former BBC journalist J.R. Ackerley's love for his dog. Beautifully animated to look like ink sketches and water colors, My Dog Tulip brings a certain type of warmth to the screen that animation seems to lack so much of lately. We all know how these animal films end, but Tulip never resorts to emotional manipulation or forced tugs at the heartstrings. As bitter-sweet as the film maybe we are left with a smile and pointed towards the beauty of the world that surrounds us. Be warned this is not a children's movie as it does go into great detail with the bowel movements, anal glands and menstrual cycles of a dog named Tulip.

3½ sidewalk poops out of 5

Cleopatra (1963)

It’s everything they say it is: expensive, opulent, historically inaccurate, self-indulgent and melodramatic eye-candy. Cut down from an eight hour work print it’s a wonder it makes any sense at all, but it does and it’s beautiful. They really don’t make ‘em like this any more (probably because it’s the most expensive movie ever made and almost bankrupt 20th Century Fox). The recent blu-ray delivers a 251 minute cut in stunning 1080p, which may be the longest we’ll ever see commercially unless some new footage turns up.

5 gilded histories out of 5

The Assassin's Blade (2008)

Aka: Mo hup leung juk / The Butterfly Lovers / Jiandie

Don’t be fooled by the cover and blurb on the back like I was. TAB is a light and airy romance filled with some poor acting. A beautiful young woman dresses like a man to enter a school. The whole time she looks like a beautiful young woman dressed like a man. She ain't fooling anyone, I thought. Hmmm… never mind. It all came good by the end, but the journey to get there was bordering on teen romance. It feels like it was based on a teen manga. Here's the alternative cover, which suits the film a LOT more than the one I have.

2 butterflies and a doctor with twigs in his hair of 5

A SIMPLE PLAN [1998]

Director Sam Raimi crafts an engrossing and haunting Gothic Americana thriller based on Scott B. Smith's novel A Simple Plan.
3 men in rural Minnesota, find a bag filled with 4 million dollars in it, during the dead of winter and then things begin to get really complicated. We're pretty familiar with the ingredients of such a story but they're mixed so well here it's not a problem to see how it's properly done. With heavy doses of Hitchcock, The Coen Brothers and Shakespeare I don't see how you could really go wrong. Billy Bob Thornton turns in a beautiful performance that is both sweet as it is frightening.

4 American dreams turned nightmarish out of 5

CRANK [2006]

First time directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine cast Jason Statham in 2006's violent midnight movie Crank.
It follows an assassin who's been injected with a poison that will kill him if his heart drops to a certain level. Crank makes no attempt to hide the fact that it's an absurd concept and that's part of the appeal. It's edited and shot in such a stomach-turning style that it suits the frantic storytelling on screen. With no wire stunts, CGI or explosions to be seen, Crank makes for a delightful throwback to the exploitation action flicks of the 70's.

3 more injections of that "Chinese shit" out of 5

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS [2012]

Director Drew Goddard of Buffy The Vampire Slayer & LOST teams up with co-writer Joss Whedon to craft a mighty fine horror film that dissects the genre and turns it on it's head over and over again.
The Cabin In The Woods is a fast-paced, hilariously gory film that will please horror movie buffs and Whedon/Goddard fans alike. It starts out like a run of the mill "kids in the scary woods" story but quickly takes a turn into something much smarter and twisted then the you could imagine. It tips it's hat to almost every type of horror film you can think of with the same type of humor and self-awareness of Scream. I can't say much more without ruining anything.
If you're a fan of the genre I can assure you, it will not disappoint.

4 Speakerphone hating crazies out of 5

The Interpreter (2005)

Nicole and Sean exchange bad dialogue for two whole hours. Nicole puts on a ridiculously contrived accent to see if Sean notices, but Sean doesn't, so she drops it half the time. Sean does some dramatic running in weird pants on the cover. By the end neither of them gives a damn about the plot and they muddle through two different endings, neither of which anyone involved, including the viewer, gave a shit about any more.

1 pervert at your window out of 5

NORTH BY NORTHWEST [1959]

Director Alfred Hitchcock teams up with The Sound Of Music screenwriter, Ernest Lehman to craft the finest of paranoid thrillers, North By Northwest.
Dressed in some mighty slick suits: Cary Grant, James Mason and Martin Landau make for some fascinating chemistry with their game cat & mouse while Eva Marie Saint brightens things up a bit with one her best performances apart from On The Waterfront.
Laying down the formula for many paranoia thrillers after it, Hitchcock still does it best, showcasing some iconic backdrops, deafening silence at all the right times and stunning style that equals the substance.
The perfect blend of humor and suspense makes for one of Hitchcock's most audience friendly films in his career.

4 Big girls in all the right places out of 5

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY [2004]

If not for Will Ferrell, I'm sure director Adam McKay wouldn't have much of a career. Their first outing together, apart from Saturday Night Live, the tongue in cheek comedy Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy was a successful one at the box office.
Apart from a few good chuckles and some great performances from Fred Willard, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and Dave Koechner, Anchorman is nothing more than a few boner jokes, "witty" new ways to degrade women, jabs at the mentally disabled and douchebags being douchebags only to praised for it by both the film's characters and audiences alike.

1 flaming jazz flute out of 5

SERBUAN MAUT (THE RAID: REDEMPTION) [2012]

Welsh director Gareth Evans is beginning to make quite a name for himself basing his productions out of Indonesia.
The Raid: Redemption plays like a mindless video game consisting of senseless violence and the notion of being able to force manboys to cream their pants every 3 minutes. It's action packed, quick to the point and never "bores" you with any thought-provoking moments. The Raid is made with a target audience in mind and probably won't disappoint with it's excessive violence, quick edits, LOUD bone crunches and abrasive soundtrack.
Leave your brain at the door, bring earplugs and you'll probably have a good time.

2½ "Should have shot the kid" out of 5

THE VICIOUS KIND [2009]

After so many lightly comedic indie-dramas about dysfunctional families, you tend to tire of the formula and can see the resolution coming from miles away.
Fortunately The Vicious Kind came as a very pleasant surprise.
Adam Scott plays a complete jerk with some serious issues who believes all women are whores and thinks everyone around him should be just as miserable as he is. Oddly enough as the film progresses and we learn more about him, our sympathy for him grows. It doesn't really introduce anything new to the genre but manages to stay one step ahead of the viewer and is filled with wonderful performances to boot. All in all, a great evening in.

4 cue balls to the face out of 5

American Pie 2 (2001)

I have a stack of DVDs in the corner of my room that are awaiting a new home. They suck ass and I need to remove their shittiness from my house forever. That stack just got a little taller.

0½ Alyson Hannigan saying something sexy out of 5

PUSS IN BOOTS [2011]

Antonio Banderas reprises his role as the animated sword fighting feline, from the dead in the water Shrek franchise, in Puss In Boots.
The question is can a character who was no more than a couple cheap gags in the Shrek films, carry his own film? Surprisingly, yes.
It's nothing really groundbreaking, original or witty but it keeps an even flow and enough flare to never outright offend anybody with half a brain (which I suspect has a lot to do with Guillermo Del Toro's input). There's plenty of gags for cat lovers in it and enough wackiness for the kids...but it just never rises to it's potential.

2 litter kitties out of 5

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN [2011]

Based on Herge's Belgian classic comic book series, The Adventures of Tintin unites director Steven Spielberg, producer Peter Jackson, Shaun Of The Dead writer Edgar Wright and Doctor Who writer/showrunner Steven Moffat. With this many creative minds stirring the pot it's bound to be a bumpy ride.
It might not be smooth sailing all the way through but Tintin is certainly an entertaining computer animated adventure that has some great action pieces and colorful characters. Starring Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig and some very entertaining performances from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Tintin is nothing but a good-spirited, wild ride with an enthusiastic imagination spilling over the sides.

4 comic book likeness cameos out of 5

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Michelle Yeoh and Chow Yun Fat together! I'm in heaven. The chemistry between them is electric, despite being purposefully subdued. The film is the most balletic and beautiful wuxia  (martial arts) film I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. It has a sword that wobbles, bamboo groves that sway in the wind, people running vertically up walls and people quietly sipping tea. It’s a merger of the fantastical and the mundane. I could go on at length about the duality, the family, the history, the music, the art direction, etc, but I'll curtail that. Go watch the film instead of reading this.

5 scientific principles broken out of 5

DRAG ME TO HELL [2009]

Director Sam Raimi returns to form in the high-budget b-movie Drag Me To Hell. Alison Lohman stars as a loan officer who is cursed after evicting an elderly gypsy woman from her home.
Raimi channels his Evil Dead days, laying the campy horror and humor down like nobodies business. The scares are incredibly startling and hilarious, leaving some viewers confused as to what to think of it all. The story is a huge mess and the characters are pretty flat, but it's the cheap thrills and chills that we paid for and Drag Me To Hell delivers on those by the vomit buckets.

3 noosebleeds from Hell out of 5

LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION [2003]

Joe Dante's made a lot of entertaining popcorn flicks in his career. Some of them entertaining and some of them utter crap.
The live action/animated Looney Tunes: Back In Action falls somewhere in the middle. While it is significantly better than it's predecessor Space Jam, it doesn't quite live up to it's full potential. Aimed towards a younger audience the film makes no attempt to try to entertain adults or anyone with a brain. It'd rather keeps the father's attention with Jenna Elfman and Heather Locklear curiously dressed in short skirts, tight shirts and latex cat suits...for a kid's movie?
It's fun but not that great. Stick to Who Framed Roger Rabbit to see how it's done properly.

2 Matthew Lillard vs. Shaggy's out of 5

I LOVE YOU, MAN [2009]

I Love You, Man is a bromance comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel as the bonding bros whose camaraderie carries the whole film.
It's a predictable formula and a bit of a mess at times but provides enough smiles and light chuckles to win the heart over by the end. I didn't find myself laughing out loud as often as I expected to but the chemistry between the two leads held my attention and heart for the duration of the film.
It's a film that's easy to pick apart but hard not to like.

3 Hulk smashes out of 5

WINNIE THE POOH [2011]

Inspired by A.A. Milne's classic World Of Pooh stories, Disney's Winnie The Pooh is a continuation of their own animated versions that started 35 years ago.
It's a neat little package of nostalgia rolled up into sometimes beautiful classical animation. The backgrounds are warm and pleasant to look at but sometimes the characters are sloppily drawn and considering this is a theatrical Disney release it can't go unforgiven.
It's great for children but unlike PIXAR films, the story and substance is a little thin and parents will probably find themselves checking their watches far too often for just a mere hour long film.

3 stay after the credits out of 5

ROLE MODELS [2008]

I tend to not like many comedies so this came as a very pleasant surprise.
Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott take the title roles as the Role Models who are ordered to enroll in a Big Brother program to avoid jail time.
The story is predictable and we all know exactly how it's going to end but the solid cast and believable characters provide enough laughs to keep you smiling right up until the end.
What else can I say? It's pretty damned funny.

...and it's the only time I've ever felt like cheering for KISS.

3½ cans of nuclear horse piss out of 5

The Proposition [2005]

Director John Hillcoat reunites with screenwriter/musician Nick Cave for the poetically brutal Australian western The Proposition.
Guy Pearce leads the cast as a captured outlaw in the 1880's let loose by the law to hunt down and kill his psychotic older brother played with great intimidation by Danny Huston. It's a merciless, gritty ride that makes no apologies for it's realistic portrayal of the racism, violence and lack of proper law in early Australia. This well-paced story about morals, loyalty and revenge could have benefited emotionally with a longer back story for the brothers. No matter, it's still a great western that captivates from start to finish.

4 disappearing Queenie's out of 5

The Darwin Awards (2006)

Darwin Awards are an ironic award given posthumously to people "who improve the species by accidentally removing themselves from it!" A police profiler seeks employment at an insurance company by using his Boy Scout skills to identify those kinds of idiots. Non-hilarity ensues. You know you've got a shitty movie when David Arquette is the most heart-warming thing in it. Winona was pretty, as always.

1½ Lars Ulrich is an asshole out of 5

The Last King of Scotland (2006)

Forest Whitaker finally got the role he deserved in this political kick in the head. He towers over every scene he’s in with a ferocious intensity that hurt my eyes to watch. He plays a Ugandan Dictator with a fiery and temperamental personality. It’s painted very black and white even when it’s purposing not to be, but it’s so damn good that it kept me hooked regardless. It's based on real events, but I don’t know how accurate it is politically.

4 bad cases of red eye out of 5

Rocket Science (2007)

An indie comedy drama with a young stuttering protagonist that gets hand-picked to join the school debate team. Along the way he discovers that life is about more than just being socially alienated. It’s the usual coming of age tale that indie productions are so very good at telling. Had it been a little more uniquely poignant and a little less analogous of the archetype it would have earned a great score.

3 farming subsidies launch cataclysms out of 5