The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Hammer Horror starring Scream Queen Ingrid Pitt and featuring the wonderful Peter Cushing. The film attempts to disguise its lack of plot by having Ingrid’s cleavage heaving all over the frame and lusty busty lesbian embraces, but anyone over the age of twelve will see through that instantly.
Besides its enjoyably shameful tactics it’s a fun frolic through the vaults of alternative vampire lore in the usual Hammer style.
It’s the first part of the loosely connected Karnstein Trilogy; the others are Lust for a Vampire (1971) and Twins of Evil (1972).

3 not very clever pseudonyms out of 5

Cleopatra (1963)

It’s everything they say it is: expensive, opulent, historically inaccurate, self-indulgent and melodramatic eye-candy. Cut down from an eight hour work print it’s a wonder it makes any sense at all, but it does and it’s beautiful. They really don’t make ‘em like this any more (probably because it’s the most expensive movie ever made and almost bankrupt 20th Century Fox). The recent blu-ray delivers a 251 minute cut in stunning 1080p, which may be the longest we’ll ever see commercially unless some new footage turns up.

5 gilded histories out of 5