The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (1983)

The Herdmans are the "worst kids in the world." They're rude and intimidate the other kids and everyone avoids them like the plague. While a new mom runs the annual Sunday school Christmas pageant, the Herdmans demand to be a part of the project and end up teaching the town a thing or two about prejudice and hypocrisy. This special is very sweet in a quaint, old fashioned way that is devoid of any modern cynicism. It offers a very straightforward message of empathy without feeling excessively sappy or disingenuous.

3 pussy-willows out of 5

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (2024)

The Herdmans are an underprivileged family of juvenile delinquents and misfits who decide to infiltrate the local church pageant in order to score some grub. They bully and strong-arm the rest of the kids into getting the lead roles and deconstruct the Nativity story. Meanwhile, a put-upon mother tasked with running her first pageant must find it in her heart to give these kids a chance while the rest of the town locals scoff. I'm really not doing the material any favors because it's actually a lot more thoughtful than I give it credit for. As a family film about the "true meaning" of the season, I thought it told a sweet, simple story that conveyed real emotion.

3 gifts of ham out of 5

Red One (2024)

This movie is a fucking nightmare. Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) is a bodybuilder who works at a technologically advanced North Pole facility alongside his E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification) bodyguard played by The Rock. A black ops team breaks into the facility and kidnaps Red, so they're forced to contact a cynical hacker (Chris Evans) to help track him down. At least I think that's what's happening here. The whole thing turns into a CGI fever dream in a hurry, with creepy uncanny valley effects that will probably traumatize children, and mythological creatures that feel like rejects from Nightbreed. The whole thing is just completely soulless and depressing, and doesn't even manage to manufacture those fake holiday feelings within me. It feels so corporate and hollow and goes on for so long, I could barely keep my eyes open. To be honest, I'm not even sure kids will get a kick out of this one.

One Krampus bitch slap out of 5

Black Friday (2021)

Two words: Bruce Campbell. What should have been a slam dunk ends up being a rather forgettable horror-comedy romp about rage-filled Black Friday shoppers infected by a contagious parasitic alien virus invading a department toy store (that old chestnut). If they hadn't leaned so far into the supernatural angle (real life shoppers are scary enough!), this could have been a bloody fun survival flick more in line with Dawn of the Dead. It's only partially successful, but since there aren't many other Black Friday-themed movies to flood the market, this one stands on its own as a B-movie cheeseball classic (of sorts).

2½ Dour Dennises out of 5

Thanksgiving (2023)

Based on a one-note joke and a fake trailer from Grindhouse (2007), Eli Roth's Thanksgiving aims to become a new holiday classic (especially since there aren't enough turkey-themed slasher pics). A pilgrim wearing a John Carver mask (a fitting name if there ever was one) goes around slicing people up around the festive season. I know we've seen it all before, but it somehow manages to be entertaining without feeling like a complete cliché. My only complaint is that they went hard with the gore, but not enough with the big floppy titties. If you're going to do a throwback slasher flick, you have to provide the skin to go along with it. I found myself going back to the original Grindhouse trailer just to see how much things have changed in the 16 intervening years (note the big floppy titties).

3 waffle irons out of 5

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973)

Peanuts covered all the major holidays, which is why all my childhood memories are indelibly linked to them. It was the combination of the simplistic colorful animation and Vince Guaraldi jazz compositions which captured the imagination. Watching this stuff play out was more entertaining than the holiday itself, which always ended up being a disappointment. Truth be told, I can't think of many others besides The Mayflower Voyagers and Garfield's Thanksgiving Special.

Anyway, Peppermint Patty invites herself over to Chuck's, so he and Snoopy must improvise in a hurry. It's not quite the classic that Christmas and Halloween were, but it's in my top 5 favorite Peanuts specials.

4½ jelly beans on toast out of 5

Moana 2 (2024)

Disney is at its best when it transports you to another world. A world you would much rather be. The ocean calls out to Moana once more to set sail on another adventure and follow her destiny as a wayfinder. The plot may be thin, but ye gods, it's a marvelous feast for the eyes. Moana is such a likeable character and Auliʻi Cravalho is endlessly charming in her performance. This isn't a better movie than Moana by any measure, and the songs here aren't quite as strong or memorable as Lin's contributions to the original, but as a breathtaking visual spectacle full of magic and wonder, it's second to none.

3 Chee-Hoos out of 5

Wicked (2024)

No one is more annoyed than me that Wicked is a good movie. This retelling, reimagining and retconning of the Wizard of Oz story is a prequel involving the two would-be witches at the center of it. Elphaba is a bastard child with a penchant for magic who is ostracized her whole life for being green. She meets Galinda, a spoiled prissy brat, while at university, and immediately form a rivalry and unlikely alliance. The songs are well integrated, but I found myself underwhelmed by a lot of it, even as I was enthralled by the set design and moments of raw emotion and quiet reflection. Unfortunately, it turns out that this is only Part I and it's all set-up for what I assume will be a much better film releasing in another year. It's just hard to get excited about half a story.

3½ Grimmeries out of 5

Gladiator II (2024)

Ridley Scott returns to the director's chair 24 years later to bring us the sequel no one asked for. Taking place 16 years after the conclusion of the first story, Maximus is a distant memory and Rome has reverted back to its old ways. We are introduced to Hanno (Paul Mescal), who is taken into slavery, and you can just guess his connection to this plot. Rounding out the cast is Denzel and Pedro Pascal, whose allegiances flip-flop depending on the finicky demands of the script. This is another one of those films which audiences seem to lap up, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. It's technically competent but very dull, and never manages to rise out from underneath the shadow of the original Gladiator, which was superior in every respect. The plot feels completely derivative of what's come before, except this time we've got CGI baboons, rhinos and sharks added to the mix, along with even more senseless acts of violence in the arena. And, if you can believe it, Gladiator III is apparently already underway.

IIS flooded Colosseums out of V

The Order (2024)

Based on true events, we follow a crime spree across the Pacific Northwest in the 1980s tied to a string of armed robberies committed by an apparent white supremacist terrorist group gathering funds for their nefarious deeds. Jude Law plays the FBI agent hot on their trail, with Tye Sheridan as his rookie and Nicholas Hoult as the head Aryan. Blah blah blah. A pretty standard procedural crime drama that more or less plays out exactly the way you expect it to, although its material is handled capably by all involved.

2 porno bombings out of 5

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)

Adding explosions and panache to the real life story of Operation Postmaster, a group of special forces soldiers are secretly recruited by the British government to carry out a black ops sabotage mission to hijack and infiltrate a Nazi stronghold in 1940s German-occupied Europe. Guy Ritchie is usually more hit than miss, but this was a misfire on all counts, from its lackluster action sequences to its dull, hollow execution. If you like shallow action flicks that go boom, this one is for you. The heavily fictionalized events portrayed here were also apparently the inspiration for Ian Fleming's James Bond character. 

1½ U-boats out of 5

The Beekeeper (2024)

A sweet old lady is the victim of a phishing scheme, scamming her out of millions of dollars from her charity fund. It's up to The Stath to come out of retirement, take names and serve up the swift justice only he knows how. 

I want to be Jason Statham when I grow up. He's been doing these same types of roles for 20 years and we're still watching them. I'm convinced it's just wish fulfillment because we all secretly fantasize about kicking everyone's ass. Honestly, it's cathartic just to see scammers get theirs. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed it, but what a generic storyline. At a certain point, all of these films are interchangeable.

For fans of Stath only.

2½ call centers out of 5

Hit Man (2023)

Sometimes you go into a film with a set of preconceived notions, but then you're delighted by how all the parts manage to subvert themselves. Such is the case with Richard Linklater's anti-romcom Hit Man. Based on a "true" story, we're told that hit men don't really exist; they are actually undercover cops who intercept murder-for-hire schemes and convict the would-be criminals. Gary finds himself in the employ of a battered wife who puts a hit out on her husband, but decides to keep this information to himself. As the master of disguise, Glen Powell proves he's not just another handsome face; he actually has the acting chops to back it up. And Adria Arjona may just be the most insanely seductive woman on the planet. Not sure if that accounts for a bump in the rating or not.

3½ good pies out of 5

Brothers (2024)

Peter Dinklage and Josh Brolin play Twins brothers who grow up together committing petty crime after their mom ditches them. When one of them ends up in the clink, the other goes straight, and they reunite after he makes a deal with one of the guards to be let out early, and must convince his brother to go on one last heist. Pretty conventional comedy that probably sounded a lot funnier on the page, but required more skill behind the camera to pull it off. There's far too much talent in the cast for this type of garbage. Features the final performance of M. Emmet Walsh, who deserved better than this.

1½ monkey handjobs out of 5

The Instigators (2024)

A crime caper involving a half-baked scheme and a couple of dopes who are ill-equipped to deal with it. It's enjoyable in all of its incompetence and is capably carried on the shoulders of its charismatic leads. With an all-star supporting cast, it's not a bad way to spend 90 minutes, but it's the type of disposable entertainment you won't remember a day or two later.

2½ therapist hostages out of 5

Wolfs (2024)

Two lone wolf professional "fixers" have to temporarily put aside their differences and work together in order to rid a crime scene of evidence. Things unexpectedly get more complicated, as they do, with humorous bickering throughout. The whole thing plays out over one night and kind of reminded me of After Hours in its execution, especially in regards to its eerie soundtrack. It's a charming, capably handled crime thriller with two actors at the top of their game, but a number of nagging plot holes unfortunately prevent this from getting a stronger recommendation.

3 smooth operators out of 5

Note: What's depressing about this movie is that it was meant to get a wide theatrical release, but they pulled the plug a few weeks early and sent it direct to streaming instead, because apparently these guys aren't considered bankable enough stars anymore. How fucking old do you feel right now?

Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

Two lesbians on a road trip end up on the run from the mob. I'll admit, I didn't know what I was getting into with this one, but I was in a Coen-y mood. I can now very much delineate the two halves of the brothers: Joel is responsible for the artsy stuff, like his solo Shakespeare effort (The Tragedy of MacBeth), while Ethan provides the off-the-wall comedy shenanigans (à la Raising Arizona). What we get here is very much a distilled version of this madness; quirky characters, psychedelic sequences, and a fun, offbeat soundtrack. All the pieces fit together like some sort of a fever dream. However, it didn't completely work for me. I recall this movie being described as "unabashedly horny," but I didn't find it titillating at all. The sex stuff is so over-the-top and ridiculous. Aside from the hilarious central conceit of the plot (which I won't dare spoil here), I don't think I'll remember a whole lot about it in the morning.

2½ mysterious briefcases out of 5

Love Lies Bleeding (2024)

Kristen Stewart plays a gym manager who falls in love with a female bodybuilder in this self-described lesbian neo-noir crime thriller (not unlike Bound). I dug this one, though I can't really nail down the reason why. Maybe it's the recreation of that gritty 1980s bodybuilding era. I like that the women are real antiheroes, straight up shooting steroids and taking names. Even though they don't earn our sympathies, we support them because they're going up against the evil tyranny. There's a lot of wild shit going on, but it has a certain magical realism attached to it that makes it feel memorable to me, logic be damned.

3 syringes between the toes out of 5

Anora (2024)

A Brooklyn stripper-cum-escort meets the son of a Russian oligarch and engages in a whirlwind romance resulting in elopement. Once news of this reaches his family back home, their future is threatened by a hired group of Armenian henchmen who seek to split the couple up. The first part of this movie plays out like a carefree love story, while the second half unfolds as an unpredictable comedic crime thriller full of edge and intensity.

Sean Baker's latest anti-mainstream film featuring unconventional characters might just be his best. It's all weirdly subversive and very funny, although the journey there is so stressful, I wouldn't want to take it again in a hurry. Mikey Madison is incredible in the lead role and gives it her all (in full naked glory). I loved reading that she declined an intimacy coordinator, which is why the whole thing feels so very raw and authentic. I wouldn't be surprised if plenty of accolades were in her future.

4 carat diamonds out of 5

It Ends with Us (2024)

Adaptation of the popular romance novel by Colleen Hoover. Beautiful woman falls in love with handsome doctor, while also recalling the lost sweetheart of her youth. She ends up reconnecting with him in present times, to the detriment of her current relationship. Could not possibly be more predictable if it tried. It contains depictions of domestic violence, which ended up being controversial because people thought this was going to be a traditional love story. In short, it's about escaping the cycle of abuse. Depending on how much you identify with the themes presented, your mileage may vary.

2 trips down the stairs out of 5

We Live in Time (2024)

Untethered by time, a couple's story unfolds in a nonlinear narrative, starting at the end when they receive bad news. We witness milestones in their lives, the typical stages of a relationship, with ups and downs, etc. I don't have a problem with a love story told well, but this felt a bit gimmicky. It goes through all the usual melodramatic tropes, but it mostly plays out in slow, boring and predictable fashion. The actors are at the top of their game, and there are sweet moments sprinkled throughout, but the material itself could have used a refresher. The whole thing ends up feeling cloying and manipulative. Don't we ALL live in time? Some of us just aren't so lucky.

(No, I can't stop looking at that fucking horse on the cover either.)

2½ Weetabix out of 5

Here (2024)

We view a section of land from a fixed vantage point spread across millions of years, from prehistoric to modern times. A house is eventually built on this spot, and we watch those lives play out before us, juxtaposing back and forth in time (sometimes simultaneously). Robert Zemeckis's latest effort unfolds like an experimental, high concept play. At the heart of this story is a couple's evolving relationship through decades (with lots of CGI transmogrification to accomplish this effect). Contains multitudes of sadness and generational trauma, as we see that life is just one tragedy after another over time. Why would anyone want to perpetuate that cycle? Regardless, it's a simple story told well and it aims for the heartstrings. Life moves fast and then it's over. It may be excessively sentimental and gaudy, but it's good schmaltz. Reunites Zemeckis, Tom Hanks and Robin Wright (as well as composer Alan Silvestri) for the first time since Forrest Gump.

3½ Relax-Y-Boys out of 5

Touch (2024)

AKA: Snerting (Icelandic)

Nearing the end of his life, a lonely man facing memory issues decides to go journeying into the past and unlock the mystery of the sudden disappearance of his long-lost love from 50 years prior. The story unfolds by jumping back and forth in time, as he contemplates life choices and what might have been. A gentle narrative proving that, despite a conventional-sounding plot, a story told well can be affecting regardless. It's the type of film that will give you pause and have you reflecting on your own life. Everything is fleeting.

3½ Japanese restaurants out of 5

Kinds of Kindness (2024)

A deeply twisted absurdist tragi-horror-comedy that required two separate viewings for me to finally process my feelings about it. Essentially three separate stories, starring the same group of actors playing different roles each time, you have to search to find a common thread. The theme here being the fucked up ways people show appreciation and gratitude. At times, it might feel like weird for weirdness' sake, but sometimes that's just what you crave. If you enjoy Yorgos's previous work, this may strike the right chord within you.

4 tennis racquets out of 5

I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)

Charlie Kaufman directs this heady adaptation of Iain Reid's novel about a young woman on a road trip to meet her boyfriend's parents who contemplates the future of their relationship. On the surface, it plays out like surreal psychological horror, but it's probably even more nefarious at its core. This is one of those films where all the pieces don't make much sense until you look back at it through a different lens. While this may be frustratingly obtuse to some viewers, it rewards a deeper examination that gives light to deeper meaning. I could devote paragraphs to examining the themes of this film, but I'll just say it gives you a lot to chew on. Could just as easily be called pretentious, so make sure you know what you're getting into. 

4½ ice cream stands out of 5

Sometimes I Think About Dying (2023)

A lonely office worker struggles with social ineptitude and depressing thoughts of her own mortality. A probing co-worker tries to bring her out of her shell and get her out of her own head. This is easily Daisy Ridley's best performance to date. Reminds me of something like Punch-Drunk Love (particularly the music choices) and Fallen Leaves, and it's crazy that I can't think of any other movies in-between. There is an ethereal quality that permeates all the way through, with some sweet moments of genuine human connection, and it's all very touching in an understated way. Anyone who doesn't resonate with its themes obviously has no idea what it's like to live this way. It's basically how I feel all of the time.

4 "Mysteries of Love" by Julee Cruise out of 5

A Different Man (2024)

"All unhappiness in life comes from not accepting what is."

A man with facial disfigurement undergoes an experimental treatment and ends up with an attractive face. The difference it makes in his life is stark. The way this plot plays out is so strange, I thought I was losing my mind. Essentially a nightmarish black comedy, this movie is depressing for a myriad of reasons, not least of which is its meta mixed messaging. To be honest, I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I was expecting The Elephant Man and got something closer to Synecdoche, New York (not exactly a bad compromise).

Features a performance from Adam Pearson (Under the Skin), whose real-life condition appears to have inspired the material in some capacity.

3 spots of black mold out of 5

Heretic (2024)

Two Mormon missionaries go knocking on the wrong door. The man who answers challenges their ideologies and puts them through a trial of faith. Hugh Grant digs into this role and relishes in it with utter glee. A lot of the film is steeped in mystery and creates an atmosphere dripping with tension and unease which I dare not spoil. I urge the viewer not to watch the trailers because it takes away so much of the ambiguity. As a bit of dark escapism from the world, I enjoyed getting lost in the philosophical discussions and found myself enraptured from beginning to end.

3½ blueberry pies out of 5

Venom: The Last Dance (2024)

The third and final film in the Venom trilogy (The Nutshell is a bit behind) continues the saga of Eddie Brock and the alien symbiote which has attached itself to him. The latest threat is a Xenophage who hunts Venom and attempts to separate him from his host forever. As always with these films, the charm lies in the complex relationship and back and forth arguments that arise between Eddie and his apparent split personality (also voiced by Tom Hardy). However, all the CGI extravaganza stuff just bores me at this point. I enjoy these movies so much more as buddy comedies than superhero action flicks.

2½ Venom horses out of 5

Monkey Man (2024)

As a kid, Kid watches his entire village get massacred and his mother killed in front of him, while his life is spared. Years later, he is an underground fighter with the moniker Monkey Man who fights for the underprivileged lower class and swears revenge on his enemies. (Sound familiar? Déjà vu.) 

Dev Patel writes, produces, and directs himself in this intense action-thriller that plays out like an Indian version of John Wick or Kill Bill, though not quite as stylish as either of those films. While the extended fight sequences are entertaining and high energy, the editing decisions in this film leave something to be desired, and the plot unfolds in a confusing fashion for such a straightforward premise.

2½ monkey masks out of 5

Boy Kills World (2023)

In a dystopian world, Boy witnesses his entire family slaughtered before him by an evil crime syndicate, while he is rendered deaf and mute. He is rescued by Shaman, who trains him in martial arts his entire life, as Boy prepares to exact vengeance on his attackers. A pretty straightforward premise for an ultraviolent action flick, but where this film really shines is in its dark humor and the decision for Boy's inner voice to be portrayed as a booming video game announcer (from his childhood arcade memories). The whole thing is full of style and verve, and reminded me a bit of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World by way of The Raid.

3 Cullings out of 5

Civil War (2024)

Director Alex Garland presents us with a dystopian vision of the not-too-distant future. The United States has broken into factions resulting from an increasingly authoritarian government and the secessionist groups that have emerged in its wake. We follow a team of war journalists making the dangerous journey from battle-ravaged New York to Washington, D.C. in order to interview the despotic commander-in-chief. It's all rather predictable in a way, but incredibly compelling, as it offers an even more realistic version of The Purge (and Zombieland) than we've seen depicted on screen before.

Will likely be divisive to folks, but that's probably the point.

3½ photographs to die for out of 5

Conclave (2024)

The Pope has died and it's time to choose a successor. Ralph Fiennes heads this papal mystery-thriller which I would call "beautiful but boring." The votes are split between more traditionalist and liberal minded values, while each of the top candidates appears to harbor a secret that calls their legitimacy into question. The cardinals are unable to come to the majority vote required for successful election, so they are forced to reconvene and argue their case before each new balloting. Were it not for an intriguing final act, I would suggest passing this up entirely.

3 turtles on the papal floor out of 5

The Apprentice (2024)

It's 1973, and Donald Trump is a whiny little bitch who still hasn't made a name for himself. He falls under the tutelage of Roy Cohn, who takes him under his wing and helps shapes him into the asshole he is yet to be, with his three golden rules: "Always attack, never admit wrongdoing, and always claim victory, even if defeated." And the rest is history.

It's a tough (almost dangerous) ask trying to make Trump seem sympathetic, but I guess they thought they'd hire a handsome actor and then add the jowls later. Sebastian Stan plays him as stiff and constipated, but it gets the job done. While the film aims to tell its story realistically and portray the events in a stark, unflattering light, it still ends up feeling like a cheap caricature when all is said and done. But maybe that's who these people really are. The problem is that this whole enterprise feels very anticlimactic. There's too much left on the table, and it's not as condemning as it could have been, given the wealth of information out there. The real feat here is how they actually made Roy Cohn the sympathetic one at the end of the day.

2½ scalp reduction surgeries out of 5

Saturday Night (2024)

It's 90 minutes before the very first episode of Saturday Night Live is set to premiere on October 11, 1975. Lorne Michaels frantically struggles to keep the cast's larger-than-life personalities in check, as he deals with snarky writers, cranky technicians and know-it-all executives coming down on him from all sides. It's a clash of egos between divas and assholes, and it's exhausting to say the least. I give Jason Reitman props for handling this source material which has become the stuff of legend at this point, although at times it feels more like an excuse to showcase a bunch of celebrity impersonations (as good as they may be). It seems like they took a lot of the stories and lore from the first year of SNL and crammed as many as they could into a two-hour time frame. It ends right where the first episode begins, so I guess seek that out afterwards to see how it all turned out. 

2½ bee costumes out of 5

Hundreds of Beavers (2022)

This movie shouldn't work and also has no business existing. Yet it's one of the most fiercely original comedies I've seen in a long time. It's a passion project shot on a shoestring budget (and it shows!), but somehow that all lends to its strangely irresistible charm. Basically imitating a black-and-white silent film from the 1920s, a fur-trapper struggles to survive in the wilderness during a particularly harsh winter by hunting animals who outsmart him at every turn. The gags are ripped straight out of Looney Tunes and slapstick comedies of old. There are obvious humans in cheap animal suits and glaring green screen effects. Again, everything about it doesn't make any sense on paper. And yet, it's incredibly silly, entertaining, creative and audacious. Just writing about it makes me want to watch it all over again. People who take themselves too seriously need not apply.

4 video game fetch quests out of 5

Sasquatch Sunset (2024)

What can I say about this movie? It's fantastically original and strange. Basically a nature documentary about four Sasquatch out in the wild, doing what Bigfeet do. There is no dialogue or subtitles, so the story is essentially told in grunts and a light musical score, as we follow their adventures into the wilderness and great unknown. It's hard to recommend this unless you really know what you're getting into, but it's delightfully memorable if you're strange in the head, like me. From the director of Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter, so you know you're in capable hands.

If you want more tall, hairy creatures walking around wailing at each other (although accomplished to lesser effect), check out the The Star Wars Holiday Special. If you enjoy the scenery and adventurous element of this film, I highly recommend Swiss Army Man.

3½ furious lactations out of 5

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)

"On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag full of toys for all the children." So the legend goes.

Charlie Brown's cut too many holes in his ghost costume. Snoopy imagines he's a WWI flying ace shot down by the Red Baron. Linus stays up all night in the pumpkin patch waiting for something that will never come. Disappointment all around; a metaphor for life. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.

Fun bit of trivia: This was the first Halloween special ever to be broadcast annually. Still ranks up there with the best of them.

5 rocks in the trick-or-treat bag out of 5