Garfield's Halloween Adventure (1985)

AKA: Garfield in Disguise

The fat orange cat loves Halloween. What's not to love? You get to dress up like a pirate and demand free candy from strangers. This one used to spook me when I was a kid because there was an actual element of danger to it. That's what used to make Halloween fun. Specials like this, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown still occupy a part of the brain I long associate with childhood. This is still worth revisiting nearly 40 years later.

5 HEEEEEEEYYY KIDS!!!!!! out of 5

Halloween is Grinch Night (1977)

A lesser-known follow-up (and prequel) to Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas! Objectively, this isn't a great special, but it grows on you through subsequent viewings. The animation style can only be described as a psychedelic fever dream; almost like Seuss took one too many mushrooms. Unfortunately, Boris Karloff was no longer around to lend his voice, and the songs aren't particularly memorable either, but somehow it still manages to capture an eerie aura that feels synonymous with the holiday.

If you can make sense of the muddled plot, you're a better Who than I.

2½ euphemisms out of 5

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)

This is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but as with a lot of content from childhood, it occupies a warm fuzzy space in the ol' cockles. You've got a 200-year-old curse, Eartha Kitt as a grizzled witch living in the woods, and a big ugly troll wandering around at night turning children into wooden dolls. What's not to love? This film used to traumatize kids back in the day because there was actual peril and stakes involved. Halloween was made for this shit.

You gain a fresh perspective and appreciation for certain things as you grow older. People who criticized these movies never got the point. Ernest was always meant to be a bit of lighthearted fun.

3½ Brussels sprouts out of 5

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

This sequel places the Sanderson Sisters front and center, which is a mistake. What happened to the kids from the first one? Thora Birch is old enough now. Meh. It attempts to revive some of the magic from (*checks watch*) 29 years ago, but it simply survives on the charm and chemistry of its three witchy leads. Fuck the kids. There is new backstory added (to make the villains seem even less menacing), but the whole thing loses steam pretty quickly. Unfortunately, it lacks any sort of edge, stakes or endangerment, and feels more like a safe, modern Disney Channel movie. It just goes to show how things have changed in the past 30 years, and it doesn't really get me excited about new content. The movie was passable (barely), but nothing I'll remember 20 minutes from now. For fans of the original only; there will be no converts here.

Oh well, at least they got poor ol' Billy Butcherson back.

2 trips to Walgreens out of 5

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Disney's cult classic about a trio of kids accidentally unleashing a curse and battling an ancient coven of witches. This one flopped upon release but found its audience years later through a constant appraisal during the Halloween season. While this is a family-friendly comedy (with notes of darkness), it's the kind of "PG" that would automatically be considered "PG-13" by today's standards, simply because everything has gotten watered down and kids are more sheltered than ever. This is a relic of a bygone era, and one I love to revisit time and time again.

Sarah Jessica Parker has never been hotter.

3½ yabos out of 5

Halloween Ends (2022)

I liked this one more than most people, mostly because it's driving a stake through the franchise. It says Halloween Ends and, by god, they actually do it.

Unfortunately, it was already announced that a new Halloween series is in the works, so I guess I should go fuck myself.

Happy Halloween!

2½ sewers out of 5

Halloween Kills (2021)

A very stupid sequel that dumbs down all the characters. The only redeeming quality are some decent brutal kills. Unfortunately, the ending really fucks up any goodwill leftover from the previous film. The biggest thing this movie had going against it was announcing that it was a trilogy ahead of time, so there were no stakes here. This one is only biding its time until the inevitable conclusion.

1½ mental patients out of 5

Jason X (2002)

"Unfortunately, some people who were too smart for their own good felt that a creature that couldn't be killed was simply too valuable to just file away. In the end, it always comes down to money."

In the distant future (2008), Jason is finally caught and sentenced for his crimes. Since he's unable to be executed, he's instead cryogenically frozen. He's uncovered in 2455 when a group of archaeologists discover him and unwittingly bring him back to life. This is actually a pretty solid setup for a futuristic movie, but sadly, the ingenuity ends there. The popular trope has always been to send the baddie to space once you've run out of ideas, but there is a knowing, tongue-in-cheek appeal to this movie, despite the fact that we're merely transposing the gory kills from the woods to a space shuttle. The CGI is probably the most glaring part of this because, as shitty as these movies are, at least the best ones were steeped in practical make-up and special effects. While there is a certain charm attached to early 2000s CG for those who grew up in that era, this film is hard to recommend to anyone but the most diehard of Friday fans.

This was essentially the last of the standalone Jason films; he went on to do battle with Freddy Krueger a year later in Freddy vs. Jason, then had a failed remake in 2009. And he's remained dead ever since (except in the hearts of horror fans).

1 Über Jason out of 5

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

It's the FINAL movie this time, guys! Promise!

This one has a kind of charm to it, although it's admittedly a huge mess. It attempts to establish a different tone from its predecessors and lean further into supernatural territory, which didn't go over well with many fans. However, there are lots of fun nods to horror directors and other films that reward a sharp eye. I'm giving it a lot more credit than it deserves, but I'm starting to warm up to the character.

The ending of this movie was a tease that would take another 10 years to come to fruition.

1½ Necronomicons out of 5

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

We're at #8 and these movies have fully embraced their camp. How else can you explain the title? Unfortunately, this film suffers due to a lack of budget, which explains why the majority of it takes place on a boat! The few scenes shot in the city remain the highlight and it's fun to watch Jason traipsing through the crowd. This was the last Friday film produced in the era which it was conceived so it retains a lot of nostalgic value; it isn't good, but it's a good '80s film, if that makes any sense. None of the sequels made in the '90s or beyond ever nailed that feeling again.

The genius of these movies is that if you watch one of them, it's a piece of shit. But if you watch 8 in a row, suddenly they become awesome. I can't explain the science behind this particular phenomenon. It's like a transcendent state of mind.

2 boomboxes out of 5

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Believe it or not, Jason still isn't dead. This is the first of the series to feature Kane Hodder (a former stunt double) as Jason, who would become a staple among horror fans. This represents the most iconic look of Jason, as the brawny and battle-hardened version. This installment also features one of the more memorable ending sequences of the franchise.

What's nice about these movies is that they don't wear out their welcome. Each one in the series so far has been under 95 minutes. It gets the job done and gets the fuck out. 

Ironically, the MPAA guts it worse than Jason.

2½ sleeping bags out of 5

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

That motherfucker Jason just won't stay down. This one is actually my favorite of the series because it feels like an iconic '80s movie, right down to the soundtrack featuring Alice Cooper. They've got this formula down to a science at this point. There's even a Bond-esque opening sequence, as if Jason is the hero of this franchise. It's fun and self-aware and embraces the stupidity of the genre, which I find charming.

Again, the MPAA neuters some of the sequences which would easily fly today. I always find it weird how violence became more commonplace in movies, while sex became more taboo.

3 fateful lightning bolts out of 5

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

We flash forward 5 years and Tommy Jarvis (survivor of Part IV) has been in and out of mental institutions. Despite Jason seemingly meeting his end last time, the killings start up again. This one is more violent than ever (the body count is in the 20s), even though the MPAA toned it down so much that they ended up cutting most of the gore out of it.

This installment is ranked as one of the least favorites among fans for reasons I won't spoil, but you have to give them credit for attempting to break out of the mold.

2½ chocolate bars out of 5

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Gore and tits. That's all these movies amount to. And you know what? It's glorious. This period in film history exists as a snapshot in time and it will never be replicated again, so enjoy it while you can! There's no plot to speak of, but that's not the point. These movies were never attempting to be art. Basically, people who have sex die. Critics try to conflate it with moral values, but it was just a way to get asses in seats.

The producers sincerely attempted to make this the "final" chapter, but audiences said, "Fuck you, we want more!"

2½ weird Crispin Glover dances out of 5

Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

This film marks the first appearance of Jason's hockey mask, which became synonymous with the character. It was originally screened in theaters in anaglyphic 3-D as a gimmick which was popularized in the '50s and briefly resurrected in the '80s for films such as Jaws 3D and Amityville 3D. It lends to a certain retro charm because you have things purposely being thrown into the lens for no particular reason.

This was intended to be the final movie in the series, as the filmmakers wanted to cap it as a trilogy. But it was so successful, they decided to make one more to wrap it up...

2½ iconic looks out of 5

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Not wanting to waver too far from the formula that made it a success, there are few changes made to the original plot. Instead, there is more of an effort put into making the kills more creative (in light of the MPAA's increased crackdown on censorship) and establishing strange, archetypal characters who are quickly dispatched. Despite the redundancies, there is a "campiness" to these movies which make them rather enjoyable if you're in the right kind of mood.

This is more likely the film you're thinking of when you think of Friday the 13th. 

2½ burlap sacks out of 5

Friday the 13th (1980)

At Camp Crystal Lake, horny teenage camp counselors are getting picked off one by one by a homicidal maniac. What more do you need to know? This film gets major props for starting a huge phenomenon and being one of the most influential slasher films of the 1980s. Before this, there was basically Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween, so it remains culturally significant as an artifact of that era (to the horror of most film historians). It inspired a plethora of shitty knock-offs and the cliché of dumb kids being attacked in the woods continue to this day.

The twist ending still holds up and gave birth to a franchise.

3 ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma's out of 5

Scream VI (2023)

That went off the rails quickly. Clearly, pushing these out every year does not work to its advantage. This is a cheap, lazy sequel which lacks almost all the charm of the previous entry. That's nothing to say of the movie itself, which was completely forgettable, and worse yet, predictable on many counts. The motives for these killings continue to keep getting thinner and thinner, and we as the audience have to excuse a lot of ridiculous hand-waving in order for any of it to work.

If not for the talent pool of this cast, it would get a much lower score. Just don't go into it with any set of expectations.

1½ catfishes out of 5

Scream V (2022)

As a jaded horror fan, I actually enjoyed this one quite a bit. I'm not sure if I'm letting my defenses down lately, but I don't think it was worse than any of the other sequels. The leads (especially the sisters played by Melissa Barrera and Jenna Ortega) were very well cast and I believed their relationship. I didn't anticipate the twists either, so it was a success in that regard.

It's not as slick and stylish as it was under the direction of Wes Craven, but it still manages to capture the ethos of the time it was made in. This volume introduces the idea of the "requel"—i.e. the reboot/sequel to a legacy series—which this film also represents (meta as always). 

3 toxic online comments out of 5

Saw X (2023)

Easily the best Saw film since the original. By this point, they realized the best path forward was to go back into the past. Set in between the events of Saw and Saw II, we focus on John Kramer's recent cancer diagnosis as he attempts to undergo a life-saving surgical procedure. This one is mostly successful because it doesn't resemble the rest of the sequels in any way and instead puts us in the shoes of the series villain. It helps when you're on his side and want to see the rest of these people get punished, too.

Given the success of this latest revival, a sequel has been greenlit, so it looks like Tobin Bell will be doing this till he's 90.

3 medical scams out of 5

Spiral (2021)

AKA: Spiral: From the Book of Saw

Chris Rock heads a second effort to breathe new life into the withered Saw series. The result feels slicker, with a bit of dark humor injected, although it takes on more of a straight procedural format. While it does a good job at emulating the gritty tone of the earlier films, the audience has already been down this path one too many times before, so it doesn't offer much to differentiate it from the pack. Plans for a direct sequel were quickly discarded and they went back to the drawing board.

2 familiar tattoos out of 5

Jigsaw (2017)

An attempt to jumpstart the Saw franchise after the previous installment claimed to be the final chapter (fool me once...). This time a copycat is going around following the same M.O. as the Jigsaw killer, prompting police to wonder if John Kramer is still alive (despite seemingly meeting his end all the way back in Saw III). There is more death and dismemberment abound, which is the cream and crop of this series, but apart from some clever audience manipulation, it feels all-too-familiar. A couple of twists make it worth watching for Saw completists, even though this is a far cry from the best of the series.

2 barn games out of 5

It: Chapter Two (2019)

27 years after defeating the evil the first time, the Losers come together in 2016 to fight the monster once more. This marks an improvement over the first chapter because we're introduced to the adult versions of the characters as we juxtapose back and forth in time. Unfortunately, the ambition of this film buckles under its own weight and can't sustain a nearly 3-hour runtime. Where these movies really excel are the production values and creepy visuals, but its detriment lies in the overreliance on CGI, which isn't very scary in and of itself. If we're talking about cheap practical effects vs. glossy CG, the former wins out each time. Sometimes less is more.

It doesn't quite stick the landing, but it's memorable enough for what it manages to accomplish.

3½ fortune cookies out of 5

It (2017)

Stephen King's classic novel gets a fresh coat of paint in the first of a new 2-part adaptation which transposes the events from 1950s to 1980s Derry, inspired by the recent nostalgic trend ushered in by Stranger Things. The result is slicker and scarier than what came before, but not any more effective. While the imagery and nightmare fuel is much more aggressive this time around (taking a page from A Nightmare on Elm Street and Sinister), it's missing the heart and charm of the original TV adaptation. While it may be considered superior in many ways, what King's works come down to at the end of the day are characters, and this lacks a lot of the chemistry and interactions between the Losers' Club which made that earlier film feel special.

Nevertheless, Bill Skarsgård steals the show as Pennywise, portraying him as much more sadistic and demonic than Tim Curry's version. It still manages to capture that scary feeling of being a kid, where domestic terror creeps around every corner. Since Derry's curse comes around every 27 years, this was followed up by It: Chapter Two in 2019.

3½ slide projectors out of 5

Leprechaun Returns (2018)

This "requel" attempts to do what the Halloween series did by pretending the rest of the sequels never happened and continuing the story after the first movie. The result is one big fat green shit on the face of every Leprechaun fan. The new guy (filling in Warwick's lofty buckled shoes) is a joke. They try to give him cheesy one-liners, but it reminds you why these movies only work with certain actors in the role.

Seriously, maybe I'll give those "Hood" movies another chance after seeing how low this series could sink.

½-assed attempt out of 5

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)

Just when I thought the last one was shit, this movie comes along and makes me re-evaluate what a 0 rating actually means. This time, it doesn't even resemble the Leprechaun of the previous movies (his name is Lubdan, inexplicably). This was the beginning of the end for the franchise, and the last entry to star Warwick Davis (who deserved so much better than this). The series was "rebooted" of sorts in Leprechaun: Origins and given a legacy sequel in Leprechaun Returns.

0 hits from the Leprebong out of 5

Demonic Toys: Jack-Attack (2023)

A mute orphan girl inherits the killer Jack-in-the-Box from Demonic Toys in this standalone spin-off which ignores the "continuity" of the rest of the films. This time the horror is played straight for jump scares and gore, without any of the trademark series humor. The result is mostly boring and forgettable, like most of the glossy, "modern" Full Moon format. 

That's enough puppet movies for me this year. Stay tuned next Halloween!

1 wood-chipper out of 5

Baby Oopsie 3: Burn Baby Burn! (2022)

The thrilling conclusion to the Baby Oopsie saga (or is it?). This series is garbage and it knows it. By this point, the novelty is gone, but if you're a completist, you have to keep going or else risk the baby's wrath!

1 Toy Master out of 5

Baby Oopsie 2: Murder Dolls (2022)

This series goes off the rails quickly. Now there's three of them. Nothing much to add that isn't already conveyed by the poster above. This takes a big step down from the first feature because the focus is no longer on the lonely protagonist. The dolls have their day and leave it wide open for a threequel.

1½ hammer times out of 5

Baby Oopsie (2021)

I know what you're thinking...but this one actually ain't half bad! The foul-mouthed killer doll from Demonic Toys gets her own standalone series of films involving an obsessive doll collector named Sybil who is going through her own psychoses and breaks from reality. There's something about this character that reminds me of the reclusive guy from Human Centipede 2. And Baby Oopsie herself is basically just a Chucky clone who wreaks havoc in gory low-budget fashion. Once again, you have to be in a very specific frame of mind for this particular lunacy, but it manages to push the boundaries of bad taste into something resembling mild entertainment.

2½ hoarders out of 5

Demonic Toys 2: Personal Demons (2010)

Hoo boy, this is not a good movie. But yet...it's charming somehow? I don't know how to explain it. It's fun in a trashy sort of way, even though it was made 18 years after the original and lacks the same charm of that era. I can't even defend my rating; for most people this would be an instant zero. You have to be pretty far gone to even call this entertainment.

2 magic boxes out of 5

Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2004)

With so much prior assembly required, what should have been an incredible concept ends up being a massive disappointment. Sadly, this was a SyFy Channel original movie, which means it was completely neutered for television standards. That means no gore, F-bombs or tits, so what's the point? Corey Feldman stars as André Toulon's great-grandnephew (which doesn't mean jack shit), but that doesn't make up for what potential was lost in this soulless corporate and creative compromise. On top of everything, this is considered more of a Christmas movie than horror. It attempts to pit the good guys (puppets) against the bad guys (toys), and it just plain sucks. Not even a self-censoring Baby Oopsie Daisy was enough to save this one.

½ a mechanical upgrade out of 5

Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)

Before The Avengers teamed up in the MCU, we had low-budget trash like this to keep us occupied. Combining the characters from Dollman, Bad Channels and Demonic Toys, this was what the multiverse looked like in the early '90s. While you would think this would make the best movie ever, it just ends up being...mildly entertaining at best. It's fun to see Brick Bardo facing off against Baby Oopsie Daisy and Jack Attack, but most of this feature consists of clips from the earlier movies setting up the eventual showdown. The result is mostly forgettable, but if you've been investing in these movies for any amount of time, it's nothing short of epic. Kind of hard to recommend to a casual viewer; this is only for fans of Full Moon's particular brand of insanity.

2 baby inceptions out of 5

Demonic Toys (1992)

Let's face it. You have to be in the right mood for these types of movies. If you're looking for low-budget mayhem and cheap thrills, they're amazing. If you're looking for something more serious, the box art should have already tipped you off. You get what you see here.

All cards on the table, this movie is fucking hilarious. It's basically Puppet Master, except the toys speak and are foul-mouthed little bastards. Baby Oopsy Daisy in particular is a lovably filthy asshole. Unfortunately, this series doesn't get any better than this one.

3 dollhouses out of 5

Bad Channels (1992)

This is sci-fi schlock at its finest. Two aliens hijack a radio station's airwaves on a mission to shrink and capture nubile young women (after my own heart). It sounds cheesy and dumb...and that's exactly what it's trying to be. But the soundtrack is rocking (with original songs by Blue Öyster Cult) and there is something about these older Full Moon titles that stand out from the usual crop of crap. This premise is not too far off from TerrorVision.

2½ disinfectant sprays out of 5

Dollman (1991)

Brick Bardo is an intergalactic space cop who finds himself 13 inches on Earth. [Hold for laughter.] This is basically Full Moon's answer to a science fiction version of Puppet Master. Featuring Tim Thomerson (of the long-running Trancers series), and Jackie Earle Haley as Braxton Red, Bardo's sworn enemy, this one is charming in a way similar to old '60s sci-fi features. It's the type of silly premise that's easy to laugh off (and encourages it), but it kind of occupies a strange, happy place in your memory.

2½ Kruger Blasters out of 5

Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)

Barrel, meet bottom. It's hard to call this a proper 8th installment when it's just a clip show featuring scenes from the previous 7 movies, attempting to tie together all the disparate loose threads into some semblance of continuity. The only original footage comes in the form of a wraparound story involving a mercenary breaking into the Bodega Bay Inn (the site of the original film) in order to steal the secrets of reanimation. When I say there is nothing new here for fans of the series, I absolutely mean it. I guess it's a way to condense the series into a CliffNotes version, but why would you want to do that? These movies are much more fun to watch in their entirety.

0 recycled films out of 5

Retro Puppet Master (1999)

The seventh film in the Puppet Master franchise is also a prequel to Part III, which confuses the muddled timeline of this series even more. This entry attempts to explain how young Toulon (Greg Sestero) first came upon the spell to animate his puppets, and features early prototypes of the characters we would all come to love. While there's not much new here for fans, this series remains charming simply because of how low-tech and no fuss it is.

This ended up being Guy Rolfe's last role, poor guy.

1½ Egyptian sorcerers out of 5

Curse of the Puppet Master (1998)

Picking up where I left off 13 years ago...

A mad scientist attempts to replicate André Toulon's experiment of creating life by transferring souls into hand-carved wooden puppets. Actual results vary. Originally intended as a "standalone" sequel to the franchise, it's pretty much been accepted into canon as they've continued to pump out sequels with regularity over the years. This is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it gets points for a couple of interesting ideas and some haunting imagery that leaves a lasting impression. Regardless, this is for diehard fans of the series only.

2 clockwork gears out of 5

Stopmotion (2023)

A creepy little indie about an amateur filmmaker who creates her own stop-motion production after her abusive mother becomes incapacitated. It's a lonely and obsessive process, which leads to a lot of impressive visuals and an increasingly detached hold on reality. This was such a great premise for a horror movie, and one I'm surprised I hadn't seen done before. There isn't a shred of CG to be found within it, which is to be commended in addition to its originality and ingenuity. It's a hand-crafted tribute to filmmakers such as Jan Švankmajer or the Quay Brothers and reminds you how disturbing stop-motion can be when done right. While all the elements don't add up quite as well as I would have liked, there's still plenty worth seeing if you're a fan of the animation style.

3½ unformed clumps of wax out of 5

Your Monster (2024)

A cute, charming story about the monster in your closet. On the surface, it's a sweet romantic comedy, but it goes much deeper... 

Melissa Barrera plays the sad, lonely woman who's just received news that she has cancer, then learns her boyfriend has left her and she's lost the lead role in a musical she helped to develop. The horror element may be subdued, but that doesn't mean there isn't an undercurrent of darkness throughout.

3 trapdoors out of 5

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

A lonely girl romanticizes the gravesite of a young man who died 150 years prior. After pouring her heart out to him, a bolt of lightning strikes and brings him back as an undead creature. The rub? He can't speak and he's missing multiple body parts. So Lisa goes on a spree to complete her "creation."

This Gothic horror-comedy owes a lot of its inspiration and feel to the works of Tim Burton. It has a distinctly '80s vibe throughout and is a helluva lot darker than I was expecting for PG-13, especially given all the sexual references and casual murder. It's a weird movie though, and I liked that it tried to be something different. Kathryn Newton is inspired in the eponymous role. I'm sure it'll develop into something of a cult film, like a lot of Diablo Cody's work tends to do. Plus it was directed by Zelda Williams—daughter of Robin—in her first feature-length film, so it seems like she has a promising career ahead of her.

3 tanning beds out of 5

Abigail (2024)

A group of criminals kidnap a young dancer and hold her hostage at a lavish estate while attempting to extort her father for a huge ransom. When the girl informs them that he has no intention of paying, they get cold feet and attempt to leave, tripping the security system and sealing them inside the secluded manor which happens to contain an evil, mysterious presence within.

Oh, wait...you mean all the posters and promotional materials spoiled this initial twist? Yeah, the little girl just happens to be a vampire ballerina who delights in playing with her prey and picking them off one by one. This one doesn't do anything special, but it's fun if you're in the right mood for a rip-roaring horror-comedy.

2½ deadly pirouettes out of 5

Sting (2024)

High art, this ain't. A mutant alien spider grows monstrous in size and descends on the population of a small apartment complex. It's a horror-comedy, so you definitely have to be in the right mood for it, but it offers a combination of thrills and frights. Think Eight Legged Freaks or any number of giant bug movies from the 1950s. It's not meant to be taken serious in the least; just a bit of idle fun to put on when your brain has officially checked out.

2½ Charlotte's webs out of 5

Hellboy: The Crooked Man (2024)

The second reboot after the 2019 version failed to make its mark. This time, it's cheaper, low-budget and the CG effects look like ass. This feels closer to a fan film version of Hellboy than anything else, though it sort of lends to a particular charm all of its own. This adaptation is faithful to "The Crooked Man" telling and is steeped more in folk horror roots. I'm not the biggest fan of the new actor (Jack Kesy), as his characterization is more laid back and lacks charisma, although this is a younger version of the character than has been depicted before. Set your expectations to rock-bottom and you might get some enjoyment out of it.

2 witch balls out of 5

Hellboy (2019)

Guillermo del Toro wasn't allowed to complete the final entry of his trilogy, and Ron Perlman refused to return without his involvement, so a decade later we were treated to a hard reboot of the comic book franchise. This time they opt for an R-rating with lots of blood and guts, but it's the overreliance on CGI which hurts the most. David Harbour turns in a decent characterization as Big Red, though he can't match up to the wry heights that Perlman brought to the series. Its main flaw is being directly compared to del Toro's previous adaptation, of which it pales in comparison. It's technically competent, but mostly forgettable, due to the fact that there is too much going on and they tried to cram it all into a bloated 2-hour runtime. However, it's a big-budget action-horror extravaganza, so depending on your appetite for the genre, you might get your money's worth.

2 Excaliburs out of 5

Out of Darkness (2022)

A Stone Age survival story that calls to mind something like Quest for Fire. This film is particularly unique because it's presented in an invented Paleolithic language with subtitles. 

45,000 years ago, a small clan struggles for survival against the harsh, unforgiving elements (and each other) while harboring a preternatural fear of the dark and suspecting a creature of stalking them from the shadows. You can kind of figure out where it's heading the entire time, but the end result is memorable enough.

2½ campfire tales out of 5

Azrael (2024)

Recently escaping from a nomadic death cult, a woman is chased through the woods by charred demon monsters with her pursuers in tow. This atmospheric horror film is told without dialogue so the viewer is forced to infer most of the story. It's an interesting premise dripping with dread and tension at every turn, but I found my attention wavering as it went on. I thought it was slow and ultimately unrewarding, but your mileage may vary depending on your level of patience and tolerance for its religious themes. 

2 laryngectomies out of 5

Look What's Happened to Rosemary's Baby (1976)

AKA: Rosemary's Baby Part II

Owing more to The Omen than Rosemary's Baby, Patty Duke inherits the role from Mia Farrow, while Ruth Gordon reprises her role as Mrs. Castevet. Adrian/Andrew, the former titular baby, is now a young boy. Rosemary has been plotting her escape for years when she finally seizes on an opportunity; meanwhile, the coven sets out in pursuit and closes in on them. 

I know it's a movie about Satan, but this movie was God awful. It has "made for television" written all over it. Bad acting, melodramatic score, shoddy special effects and poor writing/plotting. The story is told in three parts, separated by time period, as we follow Adrian as a young man and finally an adult (oddly enough, this outline would also mirror The Omen series of films).

1 Damien rip-off out of 5

Apartment 7A (2024)

New York City, 1965. A young dancer injures herself during a performance and is promptly blacklisted from future opportunities. Unable to pay her rent, she accepts an elderly couple's kind offer to come stay in their spare room at the ominous Bramford Apartment. The other tenants also get involved in her life, yadda yadda yadda, suddenly she feels her belly start growing. 

In case it hasn't become clear yet (and the poster above didn't tip you off), this is the prequel to Polanski's Rosemary's Baby (1968). This one had lofty shoes to fill, but it feels too distinctly glossy and modern to build up the necessary dread and creepy atmosphere. Since we already know everything that's coming, there are very few surprises, and it doesn't do anything to stand out on its own. The lead performances are strong, but unfortunately, it fails to make an impact like the original.

2 tannis roots out of 5