Police Story 2 (1988)

Jackie returns as Ka-kui for more super-cop action, which follows on directly from events in the previous film. Someone he arrested previously is out to get revenge, interfering in the officer's personal life. Meanwhile, the struggling star is still trying to find a comfortable balance between his love life and his police duties. Not surprisingly, he ends up with both feet in hot water.
The story is two-tiered but yet again remains secondary to Jackie's trademark comedy and remarkably skilled martial arts routines, upping the danger level at every turn. The stunt team earned their scars on this one - the fight at the playground is a masterclass in how to edit an action scene.

3½ costly acts of heroism out of 5

The Time Machine (2002)

This version of the H G Wells story is a giant-sized turd, but it proffered some very exciting blink and you’ll miss them sci-fi ideas that could've been plundered to become the basis for something much better. Their inclusion was utterly baffling until I found out the screenplay was by John Logan; that pretty much explained everything.
It scores points for the titular machine, which was a fantastic piece of design, although I’d have liked some crazy pseudoscience to explain how it was able to traverse time. I care about such things. I also care about believable character motivations, which were also absent.

2 terrible words out of 5

FLIGHT [2012]

Director Robert Zemeckis makes a bold return to his first live-action film since 2000's Cast Away for the surprisingly quiet character drama, Flight. 

Normally Zemeckis isn't particularly subtle with his work but with the help with some finely subdued performances from Denzel Washington, Don Cheadle and Kelly Reilly, Flight is able to stay grounded and focus on wonderful & complex character moments.  It's wonderful to see Zemeckis drop the motion-capture animated films for something a little more quieter and hardly depending on any FX at all.

3½ upside down planes out of 5

JURASSIC PARK III [2001]

Joe Johnston snags the director's seat for the 3rd instalment of the Jurassic Park series, the first not to be based on a Michael Crichton novel.  

What should have been a welcome return to the series, has Sam Neill reprising his role from the first film, only to feel pointless and empty.  The uninspired action is non-stop, saving absolutely no time for any sort of character development whatsoever or interesting story arcs.  Watching this crapfest makes you realize how much graceful thought and time Spielberg put into his filmmaking and action pieces.  

It's essentially like a bad made for TV movie with a Hollywood blockbuster budget.

1 egg in the satchel out of 5

Black Metal: A Documentary (2007)

A straight-to-video exploration of what constitutes 'Black Metal' from the people that play it and the people that live it. Is it a lyrical concept or a musical style? Do the BM bands even know? Does corpse paint make you sticky? You won't find the answers to any of those questions. The film has no structure and no real focus. It feels like it was assembled by a guy in his bedroom from footage he found on the net. You could make your own and you could probably make it better.
What I already knew: Cronos (Venom) is a dick. What I learned: Abbath (Immortal) is funny.

1 phone call from Fenriz out of 5

God of Gamblers (1989)

The legendary God of Gamblers can predict the outcome of dice by listening to them rattle in a cup; he never loses. His smugness is both awesome and outlandishly hilarious, which sets up a wonderful premise for Wong Jing’s action comedy. It’s bookended by John Woo style camera movements and action scenes that use Chow Yun-fat’s abilities perfectly, but the entire middle section, about half the film, is an awkward bonding comedy and it’s there that it loses momentum. It picks up the pace for the ending but fails to recover the same sense of majesty that it offered at the beginning.

3 individually wrapped chocolates out of 5

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY [2012]

The first part of director Peter Jackson's questionably drawn out 2nd Middle Earth Trilogy, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a welcome return to the world by fans.

There's a familiar air about the film that is both comforting and tense but Jackson fills it up with more than enough background info to destroy some of the mystery of the world.  Martin Freeman & Ian McKellen are absolutely wonderful in the lead roles, as are the ensemble dwarf cast but there's only so much little people partying one would care to see in one film.  As for the controversial 48fps deal?  It's quite effective in some scenes and is in dire need to iron out the kinks in other scenes.  

Being a fan of Jackson and his work, I can't help but anticipate the next two instalments, no matter what little qualms I have with this first part.

3½ dwarf burglars out of 5

DREDD [2012]

Director Pete Travis & screenwriter Alex Garland bring John Wagner & Carlos Ezquerra's Judge Dredd character from 2000 AD to the big screen in the aptly titled Dredd.

Garland intelligently scales down the size of the usual comic book movie and opts for a day in the life of Dredd instead of a overblown epic tale that's become all too common and tiresome. While it is gritty, violent and loud as one would expect, the biting satire of it's source material is buried a bit too far in the background to make an impact.  However it's Karl Urban and Lena Headey's straight-faced campy performances that make it all the worthwhile.  

3 face meets concrete out of 5

Kai Doh Maru (2001)

Kai Doh Maru is animated in a style designed to reflect the Heian period in which it’s set. That's fine, and at times it’s really beautiful, but it’s much too pale and an over-abundance of pastel colours gives it a washed-out quality. You may even wonder if something's wrong with the brightness on your TV. Structurally it’s got problems, too. It feels like a first draft given the green light based on aesthetics rather than on a story worth telling.

2 arms are better than one out of 5

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK [1997]

Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Michael Crichton's novel The Lost World, the Jurassic Park sequel, is a film that grew on me over time. 

Originally, it was a huge disappointment because of it's messily stitched together plot, horrible stench of 'sequel-ness to it and the huge cast of disposable stock characters.  Spielberg never attempts to hide any of those and makes the dazzling FX, adrenaline charged movie he wants to see because he damn well can.  Hell, the director even sneaks in a cameo of himself eating popcorn.

3 little dino, big cities out of 5

IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY [2012]

Don Hertzfeldt wraps up his Bill Trilogy with the jaw-dropping 23 minute short packed with a surprisingly emotional punch, It's Such A Beautiful Day.

One would never think a stick figure could force you to shed tears but Hertzfeldt asks you to invest both your brain and heart into this tale about the mentally ill Bill character and in doing so rewards you with awe and inspiration.  The simplicity of his stick figure drawings suddenly all makes sense as the film comes to a close and hopefully leaves the viewer with some food for thought.

Beautifully absurd, hilariously sad and undoubtedly brilliant.  

5 time machines in the sky out of 5

The short is only available through Hertzfeldt's own Bitterfilms website. 

THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS [2012]

Director Peter Lord & Aardman Animation brings Gideon Defoe's The Pirates! books to life in The Pirates! Band Of Misfits.

The colorful characters and gorgeous sets are beautifully animated with the always dazzling stop-motion technique. With a wonderful voice cast and rousing music, The Pirates! manages to entertain leaving a smile on the face from beginning to end.  It's not particularly up to par with Aardman Animation's other feature but it's still pretty darned fun.

3 monocles on monkeys out of 5

Peace Hotel (1995)

aka Woh Ping Faan Dim

Peace Hotel asks you to sympathise with a lying, cheating, thieving whore or with the empty shell of a character that Chow portrays. I found it impossible to care about either. With no emotional connection established there is no drama. With no drama there is nothing to recommend.

2 yawns out of 5

Bewitched (2005)

I laughed once while watching Bewitched. It was less of a laugh and more of an involuntary chocking mechanism while attempting to swallow the ridiculous conceit that the travesty wanted me to engage with.

0½ a wiggle out of 5

A CHRISTMAS CAROL [2009]

Robert Zemeckis continues his fascination with motion-capture animation in yet another adaptation of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. 

This time around it's Jim Carrey assuming the role of Ebenezer Scrooge and he does a pretty damned fine job at it.  Unfortunately, the film never really finds itself a heart and we're left with an entertaining performance, some interesting set-pieces and absolutely gorgeous animation.  When it all comes down to it you're left wondering if perhaps Zemeckis should have used live-action instead of animation to capture the soul of the story.  

3 multiples roles out of 5

THE FIGHTER [2010]

David O. Russell directs Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale in their absolute best performances and roles to date in the boxing bio-pic The Fighter.

Based on the lives of rising and fallen boxer brothers, Micky Ward & Dicky Eklund, the film seamlessly blends boxing and character arcs to appease fans of stories and sports.  The Fighter never really gets too emotionally heavy, as most dramas in this genres would, but plays everything more naturally in doing so makes it even better.  With the help by some definitive performances from Melissa Leo and Amy Adams, as well, the film excels above it's predictability.  

3½ Sugar Ray rejections out of 5

Fist of Legend (1994)

Good guy Gordon Chan remade Bruce Lee’s Fist of Fury (1972), and through careful writing managed to surpass the original in many ways.
Jet Li took on the Chen Zhen role, making the character less two-dimensional, less consumed with rage, and much more emotionally aware of the consequences of his actions. Jet’s wireless martial arts ability flourished under Yuen Woo Ping’s instruction making the action scenes equally as legendary as Bruce’s own, and a hell of a lot more violent.
The film earns a place on the list of remakes that don’t suck.

4½ invading ants out of 5

Hausu (1977)

Seven schoolgirls go to stay at a house which has spooky goings-on. They remain oblivious until… let’s just say things then get weird, very weird.
Hausu is Japanese in origin but more closely resembles a Chinese fantasy film; that’s the first thing that throws you off-guard. It’s so far removed from a traditional ‘film’ that it’s a wholly refreshing but equally bewildering experience. Halfway through all remaining notions of 'film form' go out the window on visible wires. 100% batshit crazy.

3½ floating kung fu logs out of 5

Fist of Fury (1972)

Unable to silence his feelings, and in direct opposition to the wishes of his recently dead shifu, martial arts student Chen Zhen seeks vengeance for the death of his teacher, bringing trouble to his own front door in the process, in a socially repressed Shanghai that's being overrun by Japanese officials.
When he's not kicking (or punching) seven shades of shit out of members of a rival martial arts school, for the majority of the film Chen exists in two basic emotional states: very pissed off, or on the verge of being very pissed off. That's okay because seeing Bruce in action is the reason most of us are watching in the first place. If you want the infamous Nunchaku scene, then make sure and get the full uncut version.

3½ bendy props out of 5

BLACK CHRISTMAS [2006]

Director Glen Morgan gives the Canadian slasher cult classic Black Christmas a modern retelling that feels like a large lump of coal up the ass.

I deserve the punishment I received by watching this for even thinking to myself "I know!  I'll give this one a try."  It's completely void of any sort of humour, genuine scares and originality, which sometimes can be forgiven with gruesome, hilarious death scenes but that'd be too good a punishment.  Some of the camerawork and lighting is interesting in the flashback scenes but even that gets a little irritating.  

A lazy, uninspired shitfest sums it up in a roasted chestnut shell.

1 flesh angel cookie out of 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons (1973)

The fifth Lone Wolf and Cub film brought original director Kenji Misumi back for what became the darkest chapter in the series. The heavy editing and chaotic music give the film an ominous tone; even the camera frequently watches events unfold from deep in the shadows.
Ogami is forced to prove himself worthy of a very specific assassination, one that will take him once again to the familiar crossroads of Hell.
Daigoro is also tested, placing him at his own crossroad; the sub-plot interrupts the primary narrative but his continued growth is crucial.
When the blood begins to flow it engulfs the frame, mirroring the severity of the task and the temerity of the nobility.

4 shocking cuts out of 5

Miami Vice (2006)

A typical example of a Michael Mann film.
Expensive.
Moody.
Boring.

1½ distant buddy cops out of 5

Red Wolf (1995)

aka: Hu meng wei long / Fu maang wai lung

Master choreographer Yuen Woo-ping directs a story of terrorists on-board a cruise ship. His usual flair for action scenes means he gets creative with the environment during combat, but the enclosed space limits what he can do with camera movements. It becomes clear very quickly that the film would've better suited John Woo’s talents.

2½ rooms of ice and fire out of 5

GREEN ZONE [2010]

Bourne director Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon reunite for the Irag War thriller Green Zone, based on journalist Rajiv Chandrasekaran's novel.

It's tremendously low on character development so you're left feeling empty and unattached when the danger rears it's ugly head.  As exciting as the cinematography and editing is, the lack of emotional attachment hurts the entire film and leaves you yawning & waiting for an interesting development that never comes.  By the end of the film you're left wondering what was the point?

2 nap times out of 5 

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE [2012]

Clint Eastwood comes out of acting retirement for the 2012 baseball film Trouble With The Curve.  It follows the predictable story of a crotchety old baseball scout who ends up on his final recruitment job with a daughter, played by Amy Adams, whom he hardly knows.  It's pretty much dramatic schmaltz that doesn't quite have the emotional impact it should.  The pacing hits a wall everytime Justin Timberlake comes in as a pointless side story.  If not for Eastwood & Adams' chemistry and performances, it'd be a complete waste of time.

2 beer 'n pizza breakfast for one out of 5

Cop Land (1997)

Some of Hollywood’s best are gathered together for this tale of a small town Sheriff and his relationship with a tight knit group of city cops who are as corrupt as the day is long.
Stallone gives one of the best performances of his career, which is even more praiseworthy when you consider who he’s up against.
He brings the sensitivity and the heart to a film that builds slowly and purposefully, and remains engaging right to the very end.

4 diagonal lines out of 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril (1972)

The fourth Lone Wolf and Cub film got a new director (Buichi Saitô), who brought a subtly different approach, making it more emotional than previous entries. Thematically it tackles the parent/child relationship from a number of perspectives, not just through Ogami Ittō and his son Daigoro.
Saitô also added more female nudity and because of that it's sometimes criticised as being 'lowbrow'. No doubt the occasional topless kills will appeal to a certain subset of viewers, but if you've followed the series from the beginning and noticed the progressive role of women, then you'll see past that easily. Collectively the exploitative scenes serve a purpose other than mere titillation; they have a genuine (dramatic) role to play in the bigger picture, one that becomes clear as the story nears its end.

3½ distant echoes out of 5

The Promise (2005)

The theatrical trailer is wonderful, but in reality The Promise is a mess. It’s as if some fool let Stephen Chow make another film, hired Zhang Yimou’s cinematographer to make it look fantastic and then handed the result to some first year film students to cock up in Photoshop. It’s a fairytale kung fu romance that could've been really engaging but isn't.
The western release is cut by almost twenty minutes. Good. That meant it was over sooner.

1½ wigs that aren't fooling anybody out of 5

Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)

Jean-François Richet’s remake of John Carpenter’s version (1976) of Howard Hawks' Rio Bravo (1959) adds more guns in the hope that it’ll be enough to distract you from the fact that they removed the point of the previous entry entirely.
Ethan Hawke said it was the best action script he’d ever read; I think he needs a new agent. Without Laurence Fishburne I’d have tossed the shit-fest out the window long before the end.

1½ hours I wasted on this crap out of 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades (1972)

The third Lone Wolf and Cub film sees Ittō get embroiled in the fate of a young woman sold into servitude, which causes him to upset a group of Yakuza.
The Yagyū Clan continue to pursue their target but they take a back-seat so that themes of honour, valour and the crippling contradictions in the Bushido code can be deeply explored, a situation that's preceded by a group of mercenaries abusing their privileges; they're wandering rōnin-for-hire like Ittō, but without the level of self-guidance that keeps the Lone Wolf steadfast. The film aesthetic complements the study, with long scenes filled with hesitation and thought-provoking weighing of consequences.
Young Daigoro has more of an influence on events than before, but it's done subtly, not like Hollywood fumbling. One scene in particular, the boy alone on a porch with his thoughts, is memorable; the series isn't just about killing.

4 paths that form a crossroads to hell out of 5

Pitch Black Heist (2012)

John Maclean’s second short, again starring Michael Fassbender and again shot in black and white, is even better than Man on a Motorcycle (2009).
It’s the story of two professional safe crackers who meet for the first time and are forced to work together. One is a chatty prick, the other a silent professional. They couldn't be more different.
Maclean lets the story unfold at its own pace, never pushing the narrative unnecessarily. The cinematography by Robbie Ryan helps raise the bar, making this stylish award winner a joy to watch.

3½ steps to the left out of 5

The Iceman Cometh (1989)

Two Ming Dynasty warriors get frozen. One is a Royal Guard and the other a villainous killer. Three hundred years later they get thawed out and with differences unresolved the feud continues.
Two ancients in modern day Hong Kong means lots of fish out of water jokes, which are fun for a while, but the film rarely makes the best of the opportunities the story presents. It's a shame because the cast are capable of so much more.

2½ turns of the Buddhist Wheel out of 5

KOTOKO [2012]

Abrasive cult director Shinya Tsukamoto drops the in your face sci-fi elements of his Tetsuo films and studies the horrors of mental illness in the stomach-turning Kotoko.

Using his trademark "shaky camera" to full effect, the style seems better suiting to the subject material here than Tsukamoto's previous films.  The sound design is stark, clear and unpleasant for all the right reasons.  It's a film that's more than difficult to digest but guarantees to pay off as you give it more thought.  

4 dopplegangers out of 5

LIFE OF PI [2012]

Director Ang Lee takes on the near impossible task of adapting Yann Martel's novel Life Of Pi for the screen and much to my surprise it's results are quite successful.

It's beautifully shot, composed and so visually amazing, it's a rare occasion that I'd recommend it be seen in 3D.  Lee has a wonderful handle on the technology so that it becomes part of the story rather than to simply dazzle us.  Like the novel itself, it's a fantastic, spiritual journey that will make you realize how small, yet valuable, your life really is compared to the bigger picture.

5 tigers named Richard Parker out of 5

HITCHCOCK [2012]

Screenwriter Sacha Gervasi sits in the director's chair for the lightfare "biopic" Hitchcock.  Telling the story of the making of Alfred Hitchcock's slasher classic Psycho, the film never seems to be concerned with the facts.  It merely touches on Hitchcock's tyrant like behaviour towards his actresses to get the best possible performance and opts for more of genuine portrayal of his mind and manners.  It's a bit frustrating to see how it's all portrayed but once you get past that, it's quite an enjoyable little film that's more a nod to the fat man's filmmaking rather than his actual life.

3 famous silhouettes out of 5

TOY STORY 2 [1999]

Recapturing the spirit and the warmth of the first film, Toy Story 2 manages to keep up with the quality we've come to expect from Disney/Pixar collaborations. 

Even though it may not be the most overly complicated film, it still never talks down to it's audience no matter what age they are.  It's funny, creative and beautifully animated with well-rounded characters to boot.  

Timeless storytelling at some of it's best.

4 Geri's out of 5

SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS [2012]

Martin McDonagh's second feature length, the violent comedy Seven Psychopaths, doesn't set out to receive the critical acclaim In Bruges did but is guaranteed to become a cult classic all on it's own. 

It over-exaggerates the immaturity most of these "hip" crime dramas seem to dwell on and becomes a border-line parody of the genre itself.   It's clever and well-acted enough to not risk becoming overly silly but never takes itself too seriously either.  

Plus...Tom Waits has a feckin' bunny.  What more do you really need?

4 Quaker stories out of 5

KILLING THEM SOFTLY [2012]

Director Andrew Dominik reteams with Brad Pitt for Killing Them Softly, a screen adaptation of George V. Higgins' crime novel Cogan's Trade.

Dominik uses dry, dark humour and bleak, brutal violence to do a intricate character study wrapped around American political allegories that is stylish, absorbing and well-acted.  All that aside, it never completely comes full circle and leaves a bit to be desired once the credits start rolling.  

3½ businesses (not countries) out of 5

TOY STORY [1995]

Disney & Pixar's first collaboration, Toy Story, is arguably their most cherished film & series to date.  

Reinventing the quality & style of animated films, the modern classic set up a new standard for family films that had been missing for years before it. Brilliantly shot from the toy's point of view, Toy Story is filled with energetic voice work, inventive action pieces and more than enough warmth to defrost the coldest of hearts.

It really doesn't get much better than this.

5 sad, strange little men out of 5 

Moon Warriors (1992)

Sammo Hung is no fool; he uses every second of Moon Warriors’ short running time to get the story across despite limitations. There isn't one second of wasted footage. It must have been a challenge, because it’s so densely packed with fast-paced fight scenes that on paper it would seem to have left little time for anything else. The four main protagonists don’t have much history and are instead characterised by their immediate actions, but it’s enough to differentiate each one and make us care about them.

3½ creeping bamboo forests out of 5

The Line, the Cross and the Curve (1993)

The Line, the Cross and the Curve is a short film directed by musician Kate Bush featuring seven songs from her 1993 album, The Red Shoes. It’s inspired by the nineteenth Century Hans Christian Andersen fairytale, which tells of an aspiring dancer who receives a pair of magical ballet shoes from a mysterious woman. A personal battle ensues as the dancer attempts to free herself of the obsession. It's the same story that was the basis for the famous 1948 Powell and Pressburger musical.
If reports are to believed Kate hated the final product, so it remains in dvd limbo along with the rest of her video catalogue. Admittedly, it is pretty awful in places, but rose-tinted, fan-boy glasses can hide failings.

2½ pages of / + ) out of 5

JURASSIC PARK [1993]

Steven Spielberg's action/adventure Jurassic Park is a rare example where the movie is better than the book.  

It's popcorn cinema at some of it's best, with eye-popping effects, iconic imagery, unforgettable scenes and a memorable score from John Williams.  What begins as a awe-inspiring children's film quickly spirals into an incredibly effective and terrifying thriller.  Bad character development and some hokey heart-felt scenes can be forgiven because that's not really what we want to see.  It's the dinosaurs and all their wall-shaking, floor-rumbling glory.  

4 dino-frog penises out of 5