COOL WORLD [1992]

The live action/animated hybrid Cool World is like Fritz The Cat director Ralph Bakshi's raunchier answer to Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
With it's seedy world inhabited by cute Fleischer-esque cartoon characters who look like they took a turn down the wrong road I was reminded of Peter Jackson's Meet The Feebles.  It's got some interesting back-drop designs but the animated characters themselves look like juvenile versions of the cartoons they're attempting to imitate.  It's apparently supposed to be funny but I don't think I cracked a smile even once as I tried to figure out why I was subjecting myself to this crap.  It's hilarious to see Brad Pitt before his balls dropped but that wears off within 10 minutes into the film.

1 doodle out of 5

Bill Bailey: Dandelion Mind (2010)

Bill Bailey’s talents aren't limited to anaemic Klingon or hairy turnip impressions. He’s also highly skilled at lengthy comedy routines that seem to be full of randomness but are actually craftily structured.
Dandelion is a mix of stuff that everyone will relate to and stuff that’s more cerebral with multiple layers of meaning. Perhaps Stephen Fry’s been rubbing off on him…

3 barnacles out of 5

Outrage Beyond (2012)

aka Beyond Outrage

A sequel to the excellent Outrage (2010) that continues the story five years after the events in the first film. The police are tired of the Yakuza’s shit, so they intervene in daily affairs in an underhanded manner.
It’s necessary to have watched the previous film to understand how we got to this point. The first half is dominated by very serious men sitting around tables while very seriously talking. The second half uses that discussion as a basis for violence to erupt and old scores to be settled.
It’s more traditionally structured, which means it’s a perfectly acceptable Yakuza film but it isn't as layered or textured this time, and it lacks the stamp of uniqueness that Kitano usually delivers.

3½ reputations out of 5

Trek Nation (2011)

A documentary that follows Gene Roddenberry's son (also called Gene) as he attempts to understand why Star Trek has had such a dramatic impact on the lives of so many people across the world.
Obviously. you'll need at least some interest in Trek to get the most from it, but what makes it special beyond that is the honesty that Gene Jr brings to the table. His goal is also to understand who his father was before he died, which is something he admits he was unable to achieve when Gene Sr was still alive. It's a sometimes painful journey for the son, but he doesn't shy away when the camera gets near, for which he should be wholeheartedly applauded.

3½ final frontiers out of 5

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Ghost Dog is a loner but he’s well-respected. He lives in a modern American city but follows an ancient Samurai code as outlined in Yamamoto Tsunetomo's Hagakure. The code guides him and shapes his morality in his role as a perfect assassin for the Mafia.
The gangsters lives are empty and wasteful. In contrast, Ghost Dog's life is filled with meaning and purpose. It's an unusual, romanticised one that he's created himself, but that doesn't make it any less noble.
Forest Whitaker can help make an average film good. Likewise, he can make a great film like Jarmusch’s GD even more exceptional.
It’s not essential but some knowledge of chanbara cinema will greatly increase your understanding of many aspects of the story.

4½ meditations out of 5

Outrage (2010)

Viewers unfamiliar with Kitano’s methodology may criticise the structure of Outrage. It’s a film about the day-to-day activities of the Yakuza, but rather than focus on one specific member it’s more a collection of little moments that contribute to an inevitable conclusion for all members, so if you turn off too early you’ll not get the full effect.
As usual, the comedy is hilarious and very dark. Leaders chastising their underlings as if they were children is a recurring Kitano theme. So too is violence; some of which is extremely unpleasant.
I miss the Kitano/Hisaishi pairing, but admittedly Keiichi Suzuki’s scoring is more suited to the darker themes.

4½ bandages out of 5

Travelers: Dimensional Police (2013)

Travelers [sic] uses almost every trick in the big book of Japanese sci-fi to keep your attention: hip-shaking leather-clad ladies doing low-angle high kicks, CGI explosions, speeding-tunnel time travel, skipping through parallel dimensions, a gothic Lolita with psychic powers, betrayals, exploding daggers and blood. There's also a lot of story packed in that would've fared better if split into a mini-series.
The result is somehow semi-enjoyable in a time-wasting kind of way. The director is a tokusatsu veteran and so brings that kind of fun to the proceedings. Without that, it would suffer.

2½ unnecessary wet cleavage shots out of 5

Sadako 3D (2012)

A Ring Cycle revival based on Koji Suzuki's novel, S (2012). I've not read it, so can't comment on how faithful the film is or isn't.
A new cursed video is uploaded to the internet, meaning every PC, laptop, tablet, phone, etc, offers a possible entry point for Sadako to return.
It sounds like a natural progression of what came before, but whereas Nakata's films were mature horror that made me soil myself, Sadako 3D is teen horror that made me yawn and check my watch periodically.
The Silent Hill creatures were the last straw. They'd work just fine in a Silent Hill setting, but here they were ridiculous.
Every point awarded below is for Satomi Ishihara; she deserved to be in a better movie.

1½ page errors out of 5

Adventures Of Zatoichi (1964)

The 9th film returns the series to the darker side of human nature and is a lot more serious as a result. The New Year celebrations are just around the corner, but not everyone gathered in town is there to spread joy. It’s a good thing Ichi is the voice of reason (and the sword of justice).
Fans who've followed the series from the beginning will be pleased to know that we’re treated to some revealing info about Ichi’s past that's integral to the story and further deepens our understanding of his nature.

4 necessary strikes out of 5

RED DRAGON [2002]

Director Brett Ratner takes over for the third film and first prequel in the Hannibal Lecter series, Red Dragon, which ultimately serves as Sir Anthony Hopkins final round as everyone's favorite man-eating head doctor.
Unlike Ridley Scott's dismal take on the character, Ratner opts for a more serious tone and results in something nearly as grisly as the original film making for a satisfying conclusion to the Hopkins films.  It doesn't really cover any new territory but it's so well-acted and suffocates the viewer in such an effective unsettling atmosphere it can be forgiven.

3½ smashed mirrors out of 5

Dark Touch (2013)

You'll likely find Dark Touch in the horror section, but it's much more than 90 mins of cheap scares. It's foreboding and eerie like horror ought to be, but it's more emotionally upsetting than fleetingly unsettling. It deals with a terror that doesn't end when the film does.
It revolves around eleven-year-old Niamh. Bad things happen when Niamh is fearful, but she gets that way with good reason.
Dismiss the obvious comparison as soon as it enters your head and focus instead on the girl. Imagine you're eleven and ask yourself what's more terrifying, the things we do or the things we're capable of doing?

3½ sharp noises out of 5

Fight, Zatoichi, Fight (1964)

In the blind swordsman’s 8th film, Ichi's left holding the baby, literally, which is not an ideal situation for a roaming, gambling swordsman; especially when he’s being pursued by some honourless ronin.
Kenji Misumi wastes no time in setting the scene for what follows: a lot more comedy than usual. But don’t let that deter you, because it’s balanced beautifully by the correct amount of tragedy.
I'm in awe of how he can squeeze so much into his frame and still manage to have it appear spacious. He populates that openness with beauty and sadness, both inward and outward, and gives life to what's quite possibly the best written entry in the series so far.

5 improvised nappies out of 5

TRON (1982)

If you’re twelve, TRON is the best thing ever. It was visually mind-blowing in the 80s and despite the advances in technology since it still holds that same power today. Wendy Carlos’ music is great. The creativity and steps taken behind the scenes to make it unique earn it maximum respect.
Realistically, though, the protagonists are given just enough characterisation to prevent them from slipping into two-dimensionality and the plot is wafer-thin in the second half. But none of that matters, because every time I watch it part of me is still twelve. That's the power of TRON.

4 conscripts out of 5

Clean (2004)

The almost unbearable handheld in-your-face close-ups give way eventually to a character study of a woman struggling to get her life back after a crippling drug habit leaves her broken and alone.
Emily (Maggie Cheung) is the only constant in a sea of people giving other people the run-around. Her emotions do the same to her, but her motivations, which are purposefully kept semi-hidden, are bedrock for her to fall back on. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to believe in you.
It’s as happy as it sounds, but it was good to see Maggie keep her feet on the ground and get an opportunity to really act. She does it well, and in three different languages. Plus, Nick Nolte is superb.

3½ liner notes out of 5

THE INVENTION OF LYING [2009]

Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson co-write & co-direct The Invention Of Lying, a seemingly fluffy romantic comedy with cynical undertones.
It takes place in an alternate universe where the concept of lying never existed until it suddenly triggers in one man's brain and spirals out of control.  It takes the viewer into very grey areas about religion, politics, Hollywood and general day to day interactions while dissecting everything most folks take for granted or are oblivious to.  Gervais has a wonderful way of slugging us square in the face with our own stupidity and selfishness, especially where it's cleverly disguised as a harmless rom-com that occasionally even fools itself.  It looks, feels and plays like a generic rom-com but is so much more and unfortunately that doesn't leave much when it comes to the bland technical side of the film.

3 fatty fat faggots out of 5

RAMPART [2011]

Director Oren Moverman fictionalizes his film around the Rampart scandals of LAPD in the late '90's making for some pre-setup tension.
Woody Harrelson leads the ensemble cast and unfortunately is the only character we really get to know which makes it a challenging watch seeing as he's so despicable.  Had the film added in another leading character to contrast Harrelson's corrupt cop it might have been a more inviting and interesting watch, instead we're just sort of waiting for this douche to get what's coming to him.  To add to it all, the camerawork is distractingly shaky and sometimes feel like it's trying a bit too hard to be naturally raw.
Rampart had pretty big potential to be a great crime drama but instead is just pretty off-putting and pointless.

2 ex-wives out of 5

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE [1989]

1989 was the beginning of the summer blockbusters going at each other's throats, with Batman, Ghostbusters II, Back To The Future II, The Abyss, The Little Mermaid, Star Trek V and of course the third instalment of the Indiana Jones series, The Last Crusade.
After the lukewarm reception the previous film which many considered too dark, director Steven Spielberg and writer George Lucas decided to lighten the mood and add in Sean Connery as Indy's dad, which resulted in a hilarious and believable chemistry.  River Phoenix gives a spot-on performance as a young Indy Jones in the fantastic opening sequence as do the rest of the performers.  There really isn't any imagery in the action sequences that are as memorable as the first two but it's an endearing and satisfying film that really makes up for the bitter aftertaste of the 2nd film.

4 bad pennies out of 5

Three Outlaw Samurai (1964)

The title and the opening shots of this jidaigeki might bring Kurosawa to mind, but it’s more like a brutal Zatoichi film. Three desperate peasants kidnap a magistrate’s daughter simply to use as leverage in tax reform negotiations. A wandering ronin takes pity on their plight and lends his sword in aid, but the magistrate has ronin of his own…
TOS was Gosha’s début feature, but you’d never guess. It’s a masterful display of pacing, characterisation, social commentary and fierce fights that rely on skill, often with little or no edits. If you're a fan of chanbara but haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and seek it out.

4½ betrayals out of 5

GEORGE WASHINGTON [2000]

 

David Gordon Green's debut George Washington is such a wonderful and thoughtful film it makes you wonder if it's even the same guy who shat out Your Highness and The Sitter.  It's the type of film that stands beside Kids, Brick and Mean Creek as it paints a visually and emotionally unsettling atmosphere that grounds itself in such a strange and stark reality you can't turn away from.
It's filled to the brim with moments of such subtly it might require multiple viewings before you truly understand the masterful storytelling and complicated characters that you're introduced to here.

4 smelly mutts out of 5

EL CUERPO [2012]

aka The Body

Julia's Eyes screenwriter Oriol Paulo writes & directs El Cuerpo, a slick 'n smart mystery/thriller that is sure to please those looking for unpredictable twists and turns galore.  

It strikes with a paranoid Hitchcock-ian style that occasionally manages to get in a few good scares as well.  Aided by some wonderful performances the film keeps a brisk pace that never slows down until the jaw-dropping finale that unfolds in a beautiful slow-burning manner that leaves room for the viewer to catch their breath.  Unfortunately a film like this calls for just a bit more edge to truly be as effective as it wants to be but it never musters up enough brawn to pack that extra bite.  

3½ glasses of wine out of 5 

Zatoichi's Flashing Sword (1964)

The blind swordsman’s 7th film has Ichi paying a debt to a young woman that helped him. Whilst doing so he gets embroiled in a fight between two bosses over control of a profitable venture. It’s less complex than what’s come before, but the emotions are of the usual high standard.
There’s a lot of comedy in the first half. People try to pull a fast one on the blind guy and the blind guy attempts the same on the sighted.
It’s nice to see him get some downtime, but the simplistic story is dragged out a little too long. When the sword does begin to flash, however, Ichi cuts a forest of enemies down like they were kindling.

3 pretexts out of 5

Robot Jox (1989)

In a post-WWIII society war is outlawed. Grievances between warring countries are instead settled by two men in giant fighting robots.
America made a Mecha movie 25 years ago?! The Japanese have nothing to fear, because it's terrible. It’s too graphic to be a children’s movie and too empty to be of interest to most adults. The one thing that makes it fun is the stop motion scenes that even at their worst shit on Bayformers.

2 differentials out of 5

Strings (2004)

There’s a theory that all stories that can be told have already been told and all we can do now is find new ways of telling them. The story in Strings isn't very unique but the telling is. It’s a fantasy movie about a world divided, acted out by puppets with visible strings. They’re visible for a reason: they’re a part of the world. If your Head-String is cut you die.
The puppeteers manage to elicit a lot of believable emotion out of the sculpted characters; they’re less wooden than many Hollywood actors.
The imagination and sense of wonder on display is magical. Unfortunately, I only had the English language version available, otherwise it might have scored higher.

3 entanglements out of 5

Ran (1985)

If the role of the fool doesn't clue you in early on, the best way to approach Ran is to imagine yourself an audience member at a theatre and the film frame an elaborate stage. That way the pacing, framing, and blood, etc, will make perfect sense. Even the clouds are dramatic.
It's the story of a Sengoku-era Lord, Hidetora, with three sons of different temperament. He divides his Kingdom between each of them but the power, jealousy and greed tears the family stability apart.
Toru Takemitsu's minimalist score adds haunting atmosphere.
If you get confused about who's who, just remember the colours.

5 shakes of the 'Speare out of 5

MY BLOODY VALENTINE [2009]

Patrick Lussier aims high in remaking the notorious Canadian cult classic slasher My Bloody Valentine in hilariously entertaining 3D.
The cast is lead by a pack of ageing youth TV series stars including Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith & Jaime King in an attempt to cash in on the modern teen slasher flick craze that's worn out it's welcome 10 years prior to this film.  With it's gratuitous nude scenes, overly played out kills, lame dialogue and wooden characters it feels exactly like a passionate ode to the slasher films of yesteryear and that's why it really isn't that good.
Fun but lacks any sort of innovation or sparks of inspiration.

2 heart-shaped boxes out of 5

HANNIBAL [2001]

Ten years after The Silence Of The Lambs, director Ridley Scott steps in for the second instalment in author Thomas Harris' Hannibal Lecter series, the lazily titled Hannibal.
Anthony Hopkins returns in the iconic role only now playing it for cheap one-liners making it seem more like a shallow and schlocky horror film rather than the inspired and thoughtful thriller of before.  Surprisingly, Julianne Moore does a fantastic job at filling Jodie Foster's shoes, who wisely declined to take part in this film.
While it has all sorts of great talents working for it, it seems more like a handful of world-class chefs making you a bowl of cereal for dinner and it's mostly Thomas Harris' shoddy source material to blame.  Instead of going for psychological character studies and thrills, it simply aims to go from Point A to B while sloppily grossing you out along the way.

2 little man-eating piggies out of 5

Species III (2004)

Maybe someone felt a need to tie up the loose ends of Species II (1998) or maybe they just decided that sci-fi horror fans are easy prey for this kind of shit. I'd put my money on the second option. Either way, this turd picks up the story from the exact point the previous film ended. It stumbles along just fine for a while, but then it begins to resemble a Buffy the Vampire Slayer script that didn't make the grade. We’re in teen horror movie territory. I want to go back home to adult world.

1 stolen ovum out of 5

A Sound of Thunder (2005)

That isn't the sound of thunder. It’s the sound of giant plot holes forming at an alarming rate. It's the sound of credibility being torn apart. It's the sound of a Ray Bradbury short story being stretched and twisted and filled with horse shit. It's the sound of failure.

1½ suicidal fish out of 5

The Electric Grandmother (1982)

I'm going to be treading on a lot of people’s childhood with this review, but have no fear, I'm a fan. It's based on Ray Bradbury's short story 'I Sing the Body Electric' from the book (1969) of the same name.
A family in need of love gets something that might fit the bill in the shape of Maureen Stapleton, but you can’t please all the people all of the time…
It’s a decent slice of sentimental Bradbury pie that will reacquaint you with your emotions and maybe even birth a tear or two in your eye.
It was also adapted into a Twilight Zone episode twenty years previously (S3 E35), but unfortunately I've not seen it yet.

3 inaudible noises out of 5

The Princess Blade (2001)

A 'reimagining' of Kazuo Koike's four volume manga, Shurayuki-hime, that places it in the not-too-distant future. It starts out okay but actress Yumiko Shaku is much too frail looking to be believable as the assassin Yuki and as it gets deeper into the story everything goes kind of limp.
Donnie Yen was responsible for the choreography and it shows; it's balletic stuff that resembles a high-octane Chinese action flick.
If you prefer your Japanese movies to be more subtle and traditional, then you may want to seek out the first Lady Snowblood film instead, Blizzard from the Netherworld (1973), for a vastly superior take on the same story.

1½ crunchy worms out of 5

Species II (1998)

A poorly received sequel to the poorly executed original that completely ignores the ending of the first film, which is something we all wished we could do. It brings back two of the lamest characters (Lenox and Baker) and attempts to offset their blankness by spicing things up with Natasha Henstridge in various states of undress.
There’s more depth to the story this time but the bulk of it is essentially a rewrite of the original. It’s pretty terrible, but it has some really great creature effects; the kind that the first film should’ve had.

2 natal nightmares out of 5

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM [2013]

When you've collected Peter Dinklage, Summer Glau, Danny Pudi and Ryan Kwanten in one film you know you're in for some nerdy genre cinema.
Holliston's Joe Lynch directs Knights Of Badassdom, a horror-flavored comedy about a bunch of goofs who accidentally summon a Hell demon while LARPing in the woods.  It's not quite as good as it could have been but neither is it as bad.  It's a blast to see the cast ham it up like this but unfortunately some of the dialogue is pretty bland and is in dire need of some sprucing up.
However if you know the difference between doom, sludge & black metal and have rolled a twenty-sided die more than once in your life  then this might be the film for you.

2½ Manowar covers without the muscles out of 5

HOT ROD [2007]

Inane comedies like director Akiva Schaffer's Andy Samberg vehicle Hot Rod are meant to be watched with your brain checked at the door.
Because it's written, directed & starring all three members of comedic musical act The Lonely Island it should give you an idea as to what sort of film you're getting yourself into.  It's not particularly smart, memorable or well-done but it supplies enough chuckles and guffaws to make it enjoyable enough.

2 Queens Of The Stone Age out of 5

Samaritan Girl (2004)

In life, some emotions grab us instantly, while some take longer to settle in. Samaritan Girl (aka Samaria) is like that. Parts of it will hit you and parts of it will wait for you. It’s a South Korean thriller about two school girls, best friends, each involved in a different aspect of prostitution. One of the girls is a blank mystery, but the other is crumbling under the weight of some complex emotions. There's an occasional shift in sympathies that adds depth to each of the protagonists. Composer Erik Satie’s ‘Trois Gymnopédies’ appears more than once and is the perfect accompaniment for the way Kim Ki-duk wants us to feel at those times.

3½ assumptions out of 5

The Misanthrope (2007)

Nocturno Culto’s film is part video diary and part documentary. It shows via imagery, without narration, just what it is about the architecture and environment of Norway that was instrumental in creating an atmosphere for Black Metal to emerge. It's honest, hypnotic, insightful and occasionally inspired. At heart, it captures the cold, ancient aspect of the beauty of nature that is, for me at least, what the music is really all about.

3 bloodworms out of 5

Branded to Kill (1967)

Some folks say that Seijun Suzuki was a rubbish filmmaker, but I'm not one of those people. BTK is a masterful slice of late 60s Yakuza chic as seen by the modernistic mind and surrealistic eye of the director. It’s an odd film packed to bursting point with personality. Suzuki’s framing is beautifully aligned and balanced, even when his crazy storytelling isn't.
It’s the tale of a hired killer, Hanada, who wants to be the number one assassin. If he doesn't screw up, all he needs to do is kill the current number one to claim the title. But who is it? Does he even exist?
Along the way he meets a beautiful female whose allure and thirst for death complicates matters exponentially. And then there's butterflies...

4 warm sniffs out of 5

GRAND PIANO [2013]

Grand Piano is director Eugenio Mira's almost successful attempt to create an effective Alfred Hitchcock-esque thriller, echoing that of The Man Who Knew Too Much glazed over with Brian DePalma's bite.
It follows the ridiculous idea of being held at gunpoint from afar while performing on stage at the symphony, an idea that reminded me of Phone Booth only with a little more elegance.  It's well-acted, has some intriguing camera-work and wow, the score by Victor Reyes is stunningly powerful but the film as a whole never quite gets as intense as it yearns to be.

2½ sharp C's out of 5

Panic Room (2002)

I had difficulty understanding why a single parent would need such a big house. It soon became clear: it was to enable David Fincher to swish and swoop his camera in some spectacular ways. The movement is the real star of the film, but I'm also a fan of Jodie Foster and Forest Whitaker, so those three together kept me entertained despite the relatively thin plot about a domestic burglary being stretched to breaking point.

3 stylish credits out of 5

MIENTRAS DUERMAS [2011]

aka Sleep Tight

Jaume Balagueró, co-director of the first two [REC] films, crafts Mientras Duermes into a most effective skin-crawling home invasion thriller.
In an unique twist, this home invasion film focuses on the mind of the invader instead of the victim making for a fascinating character piece that reminded me of the days of Peeping Tom, The Collector and Psycho.  On the surface it deals with the horrors of invading one's privacy but once you peel away the outer layer you'll discover all sorts of different types of fears explored within the story and it's cast of characters.

4 cockroach infestations out of 5

KIDS IN THE HALL: BRAIN CANDY [1996]

2 years after the end of their sketch show the Canadian cult-favorite comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall reunited for a feature length film, Brain Candy.
In the same style as Monty Python's feature films, The Kids opted to play multiple roles based around a single story instead of a series of sketches that they had be known for on television.  Unfortunately by this time, The Kids were tired of each other, resulting in bitter feuds that hurts the chemistry onscreen quite a bit.  Not to say it isn't funny, because there are some wicked funny moments buried beneath a cynical and depressing story that speaks more truth than you'd expect.  It's a hard sell, with some overly weird bits, highly offensive jokes and stretches of nothing really funny at all but what is funny is well worth the time you put into it.

3 pills that give worms to ex-girlfriends out of 5 

CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY [2005]

Tim Burton directs the 2nd adaptation of Roald Dahl's classic novel Charlie & The Chocolate Factory and in turn we get a more faithful and darker version than Mel Stuart's 1971 film.
Johnny Depp is deliciously off the wall as he turns Willy Wonka into a germaphobe, child-detesting dandy with a love for latex gloves and flashbacks but it's Freddie Highmore who really impresses in the title role with a natural and likeable performance.  It's a Burton film so expect some awkward moments that seem out of place and disjointed bridges into the next scene.  As dedicated to it's source material as the film is, it still has a problem pinpointing where it's heart is, amidst all the outrageously bizarre sets and musical moments.  Nevertheless, it's a fine film to please Burton, Depp and composer Danny Elfman fans with it's paint-by-numbers style the team have come to be known for.

3 bad nuts out of 5

LITTLE BIG MAN [1970]

Director Arthur Penn's adaptation of Thomas Berger's novel Little Big Man is one of the first Western films to properly portray Native Americans and have a poor view on the U.S. Military.  

As serious and distressing as the subject matter is the film manages to fit in some great humor at all the right moments making for one of the better and more entertaining "epic" films ever produced.   Dustin Hoffman is magnificent as the pint-sized protagonist who just can't seem to catch a break and when he does it's short-lived.  It might be based on historical facts but the story itself is purely fictional so with that in mind, it's easier to not take quite as seriously as many might be fooled into.  

It's an impressive job at taken a touchy subject then blending it with humor that hasn't outdated it self to this very day.  

4 Soda Pop Kids out of 5

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM [1984]

Director Steven Spielberg & writer George Lucas team up once again for the second instalment in their Indiana Jones series, the hit & miss prequel, The Temple Of Doom.
It's noticeably darker than the the first film, with quite a bit of violence, a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood with an prepubescent Asian side-kick and Mrs. Spielberg herself, Kate Capshaw in a particularly annoying role as the screechy leading lady.  The beginning and the end are just as great as the first film but it's everything in the middle that is painfully terrible.  Some memorably gory scenes and a barf-bag inducing cuisine sequence attempts to make up for the poor quality but fails.
It might bring up some good memories watching it as a kid but by removing my nostalgia goggles it makes for a cringe-worthy experience.

2½ chilled monkey brains out of 5

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax (2014)

Gave her mother forty whacks, etc. If you know the rhyme you’ll know it’s nonsense. The same could be said about this travesty. It’s unable to generate any atmosphere of its own, so relies instead on Ricci’s history of being the creepy girl, but if forgets that a film needs more than that.
Things may well have looked good on the set but it all went to hell in the editing room. Whoever added the anachronistic rock music thinking it was edgy should be summarily fired. It would probably be hilarious if it wasn't so appalling. It’s a Lizzie story for the modern US TV fan, not for the ages.

1½ holes in the head out of 5

2013 - Cuckoo's Year In Review

Of the 816 films we reviewed last year, over 170 of them were released in 2013 and so it's time for me to narrow that list of films down to my personal favorites.
Unlike 2012, I had a helluva time trimming down my 46 favorites to only ten but it was done with many a cringe and buckets of real tears while hitting the chopping block.
I realize many of these were produced a year before for single screenings at festivals or simply to collect dust on the shelf but I'm basing this on nationwide theatrical releases.

Enough babbling....

Here's my Top 10 Favorite Films of 2013

click on the title for mini-reviews

10)  MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
9)    ONLY GOD FORGIVES
8)    HER
7)    THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES
6)    PRISONERS
5)    LA GRANDE BELLEZZA
4)    MUD
3)    LE PASSE
2)    INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS
1)    JAGTEN

Honorable Mentions:
ABOUT TIME
BERBERIAN SOUND STUDIO
BYZANTIUM
DISCONNECT
DRINKING BUDDIES
FRANCES HA
KINGS OF SUMMER, THE
LA VIE D'ADELE: CHAPITRES 1 & 2
THIS IS THE END
WOLF OF WALL STREET, THE

Usually I only subject myself to a few real stinkers a year but this year I found myself sitting through more than my fair share of shit and feeling sorry for myself when I realized how bad the film actually was.
Instead of scraping the bottom of the barrel to make up a list of at least 5 I found I had to narrow a longer list down to only 10.

Here's the Cream Of The Crap:
BULLET TO THE HEAD
CANYONS, THE
GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD, A
HOST, THE
IDENTITY THIEF
INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 2
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2
KILL FOR ME
RAPTURE-PALOOZA
TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

...and there you have it, kids.  Another year gone by.

Agree?  Disagree?  Have a list of your own?

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET [2013]

Martin Scorsese directs Wall Street stockbroker/fraudster Jordan Belfort's memoir in the debaucherous The Wolf Of Wall Street.
It's a tongue-in-cheek view of the lifestyle of the spoiled and overly greedy culture that you'll either see as glorified or completely disgusting, depending on what sort of approach you take to the film.  Scorsese applies the exact same style he would to one of his gangster films, like time period music, voice-over narration, breaking down the fourth wall and it all works seamlessly.  The only difference is it's laced with a wicked sense of humor and there's next to no violence but made up for with 569 f-bombs dropped over the 3 hour running time.  It's got a fantastic cast playing some of the most scummiest people to grace the screen in quite awhile and if done right, it can make for a fascinating and head-shaking watch.

4 bad hairpieces out of 5

Justice League: War (2014)

The first JL animation based on the New 52 reboot is also a reboot. It wastes no time with set-up for most of the heroes. Instead, it starts in the middle of a story and goes downhill from there.
Being called WAR there’ll be no surprise to find that there’s a lot of combat; so very, very much combat. My brain almost atrophied.
It earned my respect for addressing certain criticisms of failings that are almost inherent in superhero stories and turning them into strengths, but the characters are mostly awful. Batman is analytical; he’s okay. Superman is a two dimensional prick. They've ruined Capt. Marvel and changed his name. And what have they done to Wonder Woman? She’s a moron.

2½ boom tubes out of 5

LA GRANDE BELLEZZA [2013]

aka The Great Beauty

Director Paulo Sorrentino crafts a piece of great elegance, cynicism, wonder and thoughtfulness in the Italian art-film La Grande Bellezza.  

It's about an ageing socialite who realizes he's wasted his life schmoozing with the elite & rich of Rome when there's something far more important right in front of his face.  It's an interesting contrast of his age and ancient Rome colliding with the youthful rich and loud party music scattered throughout the film, violating the senses.  This great beauty owes it's fascinating camera work & dizzying techniques to the works of Federico Fellini but is by no means a direct imitation and stands out on it's own as a gorgeous piece of cinema.  

Just 5 more minutes out of 5

NEBRASKA [2013]

Director Alexander Payne is a master at crafting the bittersweet comedic drama and the black & white road movie Nebraska is a perfect example of that notion.
Driven by Bruce Dern's naturally great performance as a drunken old man who isn't quite all there, the film slow-burns it's way through a beautifully shot black & white countryside that mirrors the character's mind that's trapped in the past.  It's not a complicated story but it certainly is one that will harmlessly warm your heart, make you laugh and possibly force a single tear down your cheek.

4 air compressors out of 5

ENDER'S GAME [2013]

After nearly 30 years since it was first published, fans of Orson Scott Card's sci-fi/war youth novel Ender's Game are finally given the big screen treatment by director Gavin Hood.
Does it live up to expectations?  Thankfully it mostly does, with only a few minor "grumble-grumble" moments but you can't please everybody.  It doesn't quite get as into Ender's head as much as the book nor does it explore it's many themes and instead opts for more of a eye-popping spectacle and that's all right.  It never bores and has just enough character to keep the plot driving forward with each action sequence.  A very fine sci-fi film to introduce the kids to that will keep the parent's attention from beginning to end as well.

3½ Little Doctors out of 5