Love Exposure (2008)

When a movie is nearly four hours long, it's fighting an uphill battle. Even a well-paced, smartly written movie  can start to wear on you after 200 minutes. Love Exposure is many things, some good, and some bad, but the one thing it never is is boring.

Love Exposure is perhaps the weirdest, most complicated love story ever told. It probably also has the most pantyshots ever seen in a single film. It's hard to tell if it's a complex exploration of Japanese culture, or an exploration of director Shion Sono fetishes. There's way too much shaky cam, and the plot is problematic, but the characters are surprisingly entertaining and the soundtrack is a lot of fun. I'm not sure if I liked this movie, and I don't think I'll ever sit down again, but it kept my interest, and that's saying something.

2.5 erection epiphanies out of 5.

SILENT HILL: REVELATION [2012]

The original Silent Hill film was surprisingly good compared to the standards set for video game film adaptations before it.

Sadly, the sequel completely shits the bed with it's horrible performances, excruciating dialogue that falls onto hokey monologues way too many times, amateurish direction and CGI that jumps between pretty good to downright sloppy.   Sometimes some clever editing can occasionally save shitfests like this but all parties involved in Silent Hill: Revelations don't seem to know or care what they're doing.   

Silent Hill fans who have been waiting for six years for this deserve much better than this insult to the senses. 

1 Carnival from Hell out of 5

CREEP [2004]

I've come to know Christopher Smith films to pretty much do their own thing without a care in the world.

So when it came to Smith's feature length debut, Creep I found it to be unbelievably disappointing as it offered nothing original or thoughtful to give a rat's ass about.  Besides the interesting setting, which could have been put to great use and never really is, Creep falls flat on it's boring face and never gets back up.

1 CGI moustaches out of 5

FRANKENWEENIE [2012]

Director Tim Burton's third venture into the stop-motion animated world, Frankenweenie is based off his own original short film made back in the early '80's.  

It tells the charming story of a boy and his dog all the while paying homage to Mary Shelley's classic Frankenstein story, even going so far as to film it in beautiful black & white, just like the 1931 Universal adaptation. 

Burton may have been lacking quite a bit in the past 10 years, but Frankenweenie nearly stands up side by side with some of his earlier films, in heart, charms and quirkiness that will have horror film buffs squealing with glee at the army of homages and nods to all their favorites. 

4 cat shit surprises out of 5

THIRST [2009]

Park Chan-Wook's Thirst is essentially Émile Zola's Thérèse Raquin with the elements of vampires tossed into the mix for maximum ick factor. 

As always, varied actor Song Kang-ho executes a wonderful performance that's both terrifying, sympathetic and oddly hilarious.  It's a bit long but Park keeps it weird enough to keep you curious till the end.  

It's a vampire love triangle without the sparkles.  The kids won't understand.  

3½ slurping sound effects that make you squirm out of 5

SILENT HILL [2006]

Normally film adaptations of video games are best avoided like the plague but somehow Brotherhood Of The Wolf director Christophe Gans and Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary make Silent Hill work.

Sure, it's got some awkward performances, questionable character actions and bad script rewrites but it's all made up for in it's haunting atmosphere, gorgeous visuals and twisted philosophies that are genuinely faithful to it's source material.  

It's not an instant classic but will certainly please fans and anyone tired of terrible video game "adaptations" starring Milla Jovovich.  

3 reflections of Centralia out of 5

AUDITION [1999]

Takashi Miike's Audition is a brilliantly crafted disturbing psychological horror film that is guaranteed to have you squirming by the end.

Unlike the torture porn genre which dumps the gore on you every 5 minutes, Miike allows the tension to slowly build up over the course of the film and then suddenly assaults you with some of the most horrifyingly memorable cinematic moments in history.   Eihi Shiina's haunted performance makes Alex Forrest and Annie Wilkes look like Mary Poppins.

4 "lovely" ladies in white out of 5

PLANET TERROR [2007]

Robert Rodriguez sets out to make crap and has a pretty good time doing it in the Grindhouse zombie exploitation film Planet Terror.

From hokey performances to scratched film & missing reels, the film feels pretty genuine to what Rodriguez was aiming for.  Unfortunately, the films run way too long and the joke wears off long before it's over, although I get the feeling the film-makers didn't give a rat's ass.  No matter, Marley Shelton is always funny and I think I found myself drooling over Rose McGowan once or twice.

...oh I should probably mention, the DVD's actually smell like BBQ sauce. 

2½ melting penises out of 5

FRAILTY [2001]

Actor Bill Paxton makes his directorial debut with the psychological horror film Frailty.

The intimate small scale of the story is what makes the film all the more unsettling and impressionable. It's reminiscent of Stephen King's nostalgic horror stories and Sam Raimi's American Gothic films but never enough to make Paxton seem like a first-time director. 

It doesn't necessarily scare or terrorize you but will leave you with a lingering sense of sadness and disturbing questions you'd rather not ask yourself.

3½ axes name Otis out of 5

THE FACULTY [1998]

From Dusk Till Dawn director Robert Rodriguez and Scream writer Kevin Williamson comes this tongue-in-cheek homage to Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

The Faculty takes the concept of "my teachers are all aliens" and literally does it.  It lacks in originality and has some groan-worthy moments but makes up for it with it's fast pacing and the entertaining hammed-up performances from all the teachers.  

It's pretty dumb but still kind of fun too.

2½ aliens that dress better than humans out of 5

SLITHER [2006]

With a title like Slither you pretty much know things are going to get pretty revolting.

Lunatic director James Gunn's directorial debut brings on the slithery disgust with a vengeance.  A messy mix of horror, sci-fi and comedy somehow works perfectly amongst the ick-factor.  Cult favorites Nathan Fillion, Gregg Henry and Michael Rooker look like they're having a grand ole time without ever breaking character. 

It's good gross fun that should be taken with a grain of salt.

3½ Raw Meat Delights out of 5

Re-cycle (2006)

Labeling Re-cycle a horror movie is a bit of a stretch, but it's all the better for its lack of big scares. This is a parade of the fantastic, a tale of a writer's mind and all the ideas that lurk within. The plot sometimes feels like an excuse to showcase spectacular visuals, and I'm perfectly okay with this.

There's no denying that Re-cycle's script is a little lacking, but it's such a visual treat it's hard to care. The Pang Brothers have always had a great visual style, but this is their masterpiece, a buffet's worth of visual feasts. I would have loved this even if it had no plot at all. It was just so imaginative and was a joy to watch. As long as you don't come in expecting an involving story, you'll have a terrific time with this one.

4 forests of corpses out of 5.

Marebito (2004)

Marebito is the sort of movie that's more interesting than it is good. Both its characters and its Lovecraftian premise are fascinating, and I struggled to take my eyes off the screen even when nothing was happening. The film is packed with compelling ideas, but they're rarely capitalized on, and the whole thing feels a bit undercooked.

I've read Takashi Shimizu filmed this in only eight days, and it shows. If he and writer Chiaki Konaka had spent a little more time on this, I think it could have been something truly special. Shimizu is a talented director, and there's plenty to like about this. It's terrifically atmospheric, it has great visuals, and the actors give excellent performances. It's disturbing in a Cronenberg sort of way, and it holds up to repeat viewings. I just wish the film realized its full potential.

3.5 seconds of missing camera footage out of 5.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

0 camels out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

The Terminator (1984) is a good film, but if I had to choose just one role that best epitomises Arnie to me, I'd say Conan is the role he was born to play.
It's essentially a tale of revenge, albeit one with Wagnerian aspirations that sees a young boy grow to be a man who, mercifully, says very little. For Conan, actions are more important than words. The majority of that action is best dealt with by the business end of a sword, set to epic music.
The film is still the pinnacle of Sword and Sorcery cinema.

4½ Hyborian Heroes out of 5

28 WEEKS LATER [2007]

Director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo's 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to Danny Boyle's "zombie" cult classic, shows a lot of promise in the first hour.  Unfortunately it spoils almost instantly, when it drops the potential of being a fantastic character study of conflict and falls into endless action & explosions.  It's still thrilling and disturbingly terrifying but somehow feels empty with it's focus on too many one-dimensional characters.
On the plus side, the kids are great and never step into the all too common trap of stupid and/or annoying.

3 run FROM the choppas out of 5

SANTA SANGRE [1989]

Alejandro Jodorowsky's Santa Sangre is a predictably bizarre, disturbing and visually powerful piece of cinema.  

Jodorowsky's warped sense of humor is at some of it's best here while he manages to baffle the emotions with a feverish nightmare like tale both horrifying and tragic.  It's not for everybody but for those familiar with Jadorowsky should already know that.  

3 elephant caskets out of 5

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER [2012]

With Timur Bekmambetov directing and Tim Burton producing the big screen adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith's novel Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter I was expecting some campy, ridiculously violent fun with some dry wit about it.

Instead, it takes an overly serious route that is both dull and boring, with the exception of two entertaining action sequences.  Shame.  A waste of a potentially dumb, fun popcorn flick.  

1 horse-tossing vampire out of 5

SLEEPY HOLLOW [1999]

Director Tim Burton and Se7en screenwriter Andrew Kevin Walker loosely adapt Washington Irving's The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow and turn it into a slasher flick homage to the Hammer films.

It's visually stunning, musically powerful and features a top-notch performance from Johnny Depp, but a script that stinks of multiple rewrites and an awkward performance from Christina Ricci drags it down a bit, sometimes brining nearly bringing the pacing to a complete halt.  

It's not quite a film to lose your head over but enough to please Burton/Depp fans.

3½ bleeding Trees Of Death out of 5

Les Films des Maisons Closes: 1925-45 (2011)

A compilation of silent era ‘brothel’ films from France that prove even in the mid 1920's sex and cinema were linked. The films are short because film reels were short, but some even manage to squeeze in some flimsy plot and occasional inter-titles. The music that accompanies the grainy black and white footage gives everything an overly comical feel.
It’s a fascinating insight into the seedier side of silent cinema for film history fans, but of little interest to anyone else.

2 ménage à trois' out of 5

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Moving from horror into full force black comedy means the fourth instalment of the Child's Play series can poke fun at the horror genre at every turn. The plot is wafer thin, but it doesn't matter because once again it's Brad Dourif as Chucky that's the real draw. Jennifer Tilly is also good times as the Bride.
I don't know how other people feel about the changes that BoC brought to the previously established formula, but I know that it's my personal favourite of the films so far, which stands at five at time of writing. For me, the laughter and fearless self-parody raise it above the usual piece of shit horror sequel.

3½ happy honeymoons out of 5

THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW [1949]

Bing Crosby has a great old time narrating the Walt Disney animated short adapted from Washington Irving's spooky classic, The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow.

It might not be up to par with Disney's other feature film's quality of character design, with the exception of Ichabod, his horse and the Horseman but the pacing and facial expressions are priceless in the film's thrilling and hilarious climax.  It's been a Halloween tradition for me as far back as I can remember and I know will be in the many years to come.

4 flaming pumpkins out of 5

WORLD'S GREATEST DAD [2009]

Comedian Bobcat Goldthwait writes & directs Robin Williams with a brilliant performance in the depressingly cynical and darkly humorous World's Greatest Dad.

It takes huge risks exploring teen suicide and the ridiculous near celebrity status that follows it.  Making fools of the people who just want to feel pain for the attention and lack of real drama in their own shallow little lives, the film isn't afraid to make you very uncomfortable.  Where as most R-rated comedies are usually mindless, dumb fun, World's Greatest Dad is subtle, thoughtful and punches this inane society square in the face.

4 comforting Krist Novoselics out of 5

FRONTIERE(S) [2007]

 Xavier Gens' Frontière(s) has everything you've come to expect from the torture porn genre.  Annoyingly stupid kids, cannibals, neo-nazi's, big dumb fat guys with meathooks & pigs, crazy meal time with the family, deformed human beings, the one sympathetic freak, etc, etc.  It basically plays like a "best of the torture porn" genre as it draws from every other film before it and offers nothing new in itself.  Even if you like this type shit, it's still a complete waste of time.

1 stupid fuckin' kids do the stupidest things out of 5

Notes from Underground (1995)

A film version of Fyodor Dostoevsky's novella about a nameless, embittered, alienated worker whose attempts to interact with the people around him only serve to cause him further misery.
Fans of the book will be pleased that it uses many of Dostoevsky's own words. The monologue style is retained, transposed from paper to camera.
Visually it flits between resembling a play and a traditional film, sometimes unsuccessfully. Henry Czerny is not what I imaged for the Underground Man, but he carries the burden well. Sheryl Lee lends support.

2½ insufferable bastards out of 5

Midori (1992)

aka: Shôjo tsubaki: Chika gentô gekiga

WTF, Japan? Before you decide to watch Midori I suggest you Google Suehiro Maruo, in particular his Ero Guro Nansensu paintings with safe search turned OFF. That’s what you’re going to get.
The film chronicles a young girl’s descent into a dark and disturbing world of slavery, forced eroticism, sexual depravity and more, at the hands of a selfish collective of freaks.
The colourful, almost childish animation style is at odds with the very adult nature of events. The narrative is messy but the horror of the imagery and the actions of the characters will stay with you afterwards.

3½ eyeball lickings out of 5

DETENTION [2011]

Take Scream, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World & Mean Girls, then add in a truckload of '90's pop culture references and a heavy dose of gory music video weird, toss it all in a blender set to liquify and you get Joseph Kahn's stupid but insanely entertaining Detention.  

Sure it's a mess of a plot, not very well acted and ridiculously unfocused but it's funny, insane and self-aware enough to warrant at least one viewing for anyone that knows who Angela Chase is.  

2½ unfortunate abductions of time-travelling bears out of 5

MONSTER HOUSE [2006]

Director Gil Kenan teams up with Community's creator Dan Harmon & co-writer Rob Schrab for the motion-capture animated Monster House.

It's driven forward by some beautiful visuals & lighting, wonderful score from Douglas Pipes and wild imagination unfortunately it's dragged down by annoying characters, lack of heart and huge plotholes.  A entertaining ride nonetheless but should be noted that it's far too intense & scary for the wee ones.

2½ House Wives out of 5

DAWN OF THE DEAD [2004]

More miss than hit director Zack Snyder thrusts his rabid fitness zombies on us in the 2004 remake of the George A. Romero classic Dawn Of The Dead.

With some help from a strong cast and a impressionable script courtesy of wackjob James Gunn, Snyder's version manages to heavily entertain with homages galore and stick out from the rest of the tired zombie genre.  It's bloody vicious, at times hilarious and ruthless fun that delivers the flesh-eating goods by the buckets.

3½ Night Of The Living Dead vehicle accidents out of 5

ZOMBIELAND [2009]

Ruben Fleischer directs this wild zombie romp that's like Shaun Of The Dead after a 3-day cocaine bender.

Zombieland being a comedy about the living dead can't help but draw comparisons to Shaun but that's fine because it's so damned fast-paced, well-performed and funny, as a fan of the genre one can't but enjoy it. It's a bloody fun, rollercoaster of a ride and tries to be nothing more.

3½ zombie kills of the week out of 5

BOTTOM LIVE 2003: WEAPONS GRADE Y-FRONT TOUR [2003]

The Bottom boys, Rik Mayall & Ade Edmonson, go out in style and class (well, as much class as these two perverts can muster up) for their 5th and final live performance tour.

Back at home in their Hammersmith flat, Richie & Eddie decide to go on a most excellent adventure through time with their time travelling toilet hilariously named the TURDIS.  There's plenty of slapstick violence, crude jokes, a kick-ass musical number and a gigantic pair of undies to please all Bottom fans.   

3½ ass vacuums out of 5

SAINT ANGE [2004]

Writer/director Pascal Laugier's Saint Ange (House Of Voices) is a spooky ghost story riddled with cliches and paint-by-numbers characters.  

It manages to pack in enough effective scares and a noteworthy performance from Lou Doillon to help drag the viewer to the baffling finale but that's about it.  Sloppy, boring storytelling that doesn't even try to do anything different from the rest of the ghost stories out there.  

2 bags of drowned kittens out of 5 

.hack//The Movie: Sekai no Mukou ni (2012)

aka: .hack//Beyond the World

Fourteen-year-old Sora Yuuki is reluctant to step into THE WORLD, the long-running MMORPG that her friends enjoy, until one day...
For half the movie nothing happens, until it latches onto the same .hack// story we've had many times before across various media. There are zero surprises to be found.
It’s a film of style over substance. THE WORLD environment is stunning, seeing it rendered so beautifully is the big attraction, but if this really is the .hack// swansong like they claim then it’s a shuffling whimper not a rapturous bang. It deserved better.

2½ familiar faces out of 5

Gossip (2000)

A slickly presented thriller that explores how quickly a small misdeed on campus can spiral out of control, and the consequences that follow.
It’s aimed squarely at a young adult audience, so the primary objective is to entertain that demographic at the expense of all else. However, the inclusion of Lena Headey keeps it from falling into the hole of 'all tits - no talent' that most of these kind of things stumble head first into.
James Marsden, despite looking and acting like a younger Tom Cruise, wasn't as useless as he usually is. It's entertaining nonsense.

3 endings that take a sharp left turn into disappointment avenue out of 5

CORPSE BRIDE [2005]

Tim Burton & Mike Johnson co-direct Corpse Bride, a lovely little stop-motion film based on an ancient Jewish folktale entitled The Finger.

It's hard not to compare this to Burton's earlier stop-motion film The Nightmare Before Christmas but once you get past that, it's actually quite a charming and impressive film on it's own.  Obviously the gorgeous animation and character designs are the stars here but it's carried by the noteworthy voicework as well. Whether or not this is a kid's film I find it difficult to tell.  It's not really the type of story that would interest children or at times is it suitable subject matter either but it's sure to please Burton fans nevertheless.  

3½ Peter Lorre maggots out of 5

FEAST [2005]

If the title of the movie Feast turns you off then you're probably right to avoid this one.  However every now and then a shitfest can be pretty damned entertaining...especially if you enjoy watching Henry Rollins wearing ladies pink sweat pants while battling monsters.

Feast is by no means quality material but it twists the rules enough and doesn't take itself too seriously to make it highly enjoyable over some beers with your best buddies on a rainy night.

2½ exploding biker chicks out of 5

BOTTOM 2001: AN ARSE ODDITY [2001]

Taking 5 years off  from Bottom was the best thing Rik Mayall & Ade Edmonson could have done for their live shows. 

Richie & Eddie are stranded on a desert island and find a mysterious hatch that seems to lead nowhere.  Remind you of anything?  *laughs*

An Arse Oddity is refreshing, non-stop laughs and well-thought unlike their previous effort.  The disgusting duo show no signs of aging and are just as physically violent & sweaty as they've been since day one.

3½ sexy pink undies out of 5

DEAD SILENCE [2007]

From Leigh Whannell & James Wan (the guys who made Saw & Insidious) comes this "creepy" homicidal wooden puppet shitfest, Dead Silence.  

I know these guys don't make particularly great films but I was expecting a bit more than this boring, cliched sad excuse for a horror film.  What's nice to know is Whannell & Wan speak poorly of this film too and apologized for what it was.  A studio imagined cash cow that didn't deliver.  

½ Pinocchio is scarier than this out of 5

IDENTITY [2003]

Director James Mangold crafts Identity into a wild, twistin' & turnin' mystery/thriller that is more fun than it is intelligent.  

A dark and stormy night at a creepy old motel screams out Psycho but throw in an ensemble cast of characters who all share mysteries of their own and you have deliciously evil whodunnit on your hands.  It's not high art but it runs in, does it thing and leaves you without a bitter taste.  

3 washloads of death out of 5

BOTTOM LIVE 3: HOOLIGAN'S ISLAND [1997]

By their third live tour it's very apparent, Rik Mayall & Ade Edmonson have let the creative well run dry with Bottom.  Resorting to a tropical island backdrop, half-assed musical numbers and constantly breaking out of character to insult each other or flip the bird to the audience to fill up time, it makes you wonder how much time and effort they actually put into this show.  As a fan of Bottom, it's still fun to watch the two play off each other but I can guarantee as a non-fan it'll be both annoying and tiresome.

2½ massive skid marks out of 5

WILD TARGET [2010]

Crime caper director Jonathan Lynn has become known for his silly, mildly violent comedy films and he almost usually excels at it.

However Wild Target is sometimes just a little too silly and safe for it's own good.  It's got a great cast and a predictable, yet charming, set-up but it just goes from point A directly to Point B without threatening to go off the beaten path to make it a little more interesting.  

2½ pink cats out of 5

TRIANGLE [2009]

I got to hand it to British director Christopher Smith, he doesn't particularly make amazing films but he makes them with care & love for the art without worrying what mainstream audiences will think. 

Triangle starts out like a paint-by-numbers slasher flick but along the lines it takes a bizarre turn and becomes much, much more.  It hopes the audience was paying close attention from the beginning but never throws it in your face making the confusing twists & turns that much more effective.  

3 bloody seagulls out of 5

Thumbsucker (2005)

Justin is a seventeen-year-old with an addiction: thumbsucking. The stigma attached to his brand of habitual behaviour cripples him emotionally; his desire to break away from it so he can become a regular member of society (and hopefully get laid) throws his life into chaos.
The début feature from director Mike Mills is an indie film through and through, albeit one that attracted the attentions of a top cast. I think Tilda Swinton the finest actress alive today; add in Vincent D'Onofrio, Vince Vaughn, Keanu Reeves and then newcomer Lou Taylor Pucci and you have a quiet film filled with hidden depth and people to care about.

3½ debilitating problems out of 5

THE TALL MAN [2012]

Pascal Laugier, the French Canadian writer & director of the extremely disturbing Martyrs, returns to the screen with a dark and gloomy film that sets out to haunt again. 

The Tall Man is a twist-filled mystery/thriller that keeps you guessing right up until the end, making sure your emotions are taken for a unsettling ride all along the way.  What took me off guard was Jessica Biel's ability to carry the film with an emotionally and physically demanding performance.  The focus gets a little out of hand and the dialogue is klunky at moments but with some moody atmosphere, amazing camera work and mesmerizing music, The Tall Man delivers the goods.

3 questionable radio sermons out of 5

BOTTOM LIVE: THE BIG NUMBER 2 TOUR [1995]

The second live show based on the Bottom tv series, makes it clear that writer/actors Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmonson are wearing thin of new ideas but can still deliver the non-stop laughs.  

This time around the boys are sent to prison after nearly turning London into rubble in an attempt to put on a friendly fireworks display for the Queen.  The mere thought of Richie & Eddie in prison makes me chuckle, but sadly due to the confinement of one stage not everything that could have been funny is explored.  Never the less, it's a good times all around that's a guaranteed fan-pleaser.

3 explosive Queens out of 5

THE GUARD [2011]

Written & directed by John Michael McDonagh (brother of Martin), The Guard is a hilarious crime caper from Ireland.  Brendan Gleeson and Don Cheadle do a fine job with the buddy-cop formula without ever feeling too forced or unrealistic, while McDonagh feeds them some snappy, yet quiet dialogue and beautifully frames them in front of the gloomy Irish coast or a run down village pub.  What could have been a loud, over-the-top violent Tarantino rip-off, instead delights with a scaled down character-driven story and a fantastic spaghetti western-esque score courtesy of Calexico. 

A great tiny little film that tries to be nothing more than just that.

3½ crotch surprises out of 5

CHERNOBYL DIARIES [2012]

Chernobyl Diaries had the haunting premise, setting and atmosphere to be a truly frightening horror film and it breaks my heart to see it completely waste that wonderful opportunity.  

Written by Paranormal Activitiy's Oren Pali and 2 guys who usually write for The Asylum films should have tipped me off how "bleh" this was going to be.  The characters are so paper thin it's hard to hate or like them when they get in these situations void of any suspense or scares.   

Yawn.  Longest 86 minutes ever.

1 fucking radioactive bear from Hell out of 5

KUNG FU PANDA 2 [2011]

The original Kung Fu Panda was an entertaining run-of-the-mill animated film, filled with famous actors doing subpar voice work.  The sequel is just a uninspiring run-of-the-mill snoozefest that offers nothing new to the story or characters.  Apart from some cool character designs and animation, Kung Fu Panda 2 reeks of an assembly line cashcow.  With the exception of Jack Black, Gary Oldman and Dustin Hoffman, every other actor is pointless, boring and could be done better by a professional voice actor.  For the kiddies only.

2 Van Damme Crocodile moves out of 5

Halo Legends (2010)

I played some Halo; it was a solid FPS but lacked a protagonist worth giving a damn about. Master Chief was blank, devoid of personality. Taking inspiration from the superior Animatrix (2003) anthology, including a similar two-part history, these seven animated shorts explore different aspects of the Halo Universe and like the game they’re too devoid of personality. They're boring, except for one: Odd One Out, starring the egotistical idiot Spartan 1337 was good times and is ironically the only non-canon piece. Unless you live, breathe and shit Halo there's little of interest here, even for anime fans.

1½ Energy Swords out of 5