Garfield's Thanksgiving Special (1989)

The eleventh TV Special for the self-important, self-indulgent, sarcastic fat cat takes place on Thanksgiving (obviously), a day of traditional gorging and belts under stress. But, worst luck, the food situation in the Arbuckle house isn't entirely Garfield-friendly.
There’s not a single second of wasted dialogue or unnecessary footage weighing the story down, And the parts that seemed schmaltzy to me as a kid now resonate a lot more agreeably as an adult.

4 cruel streaks out of 5

Falling Down (1993)

Michael Douglas has had enough of traffic jams and heat waves; enough of the guy in front; enough of the screaming kids in the bus on the adjacent lane; enough of the bastard fly that’s buzzing inside his oven-like car with the crappy air-con as if it owns the place. Michael Douglas has had enough, period. It’s like having a paper cut the entire length of his body.
The character is an average Joe with a shorter fuse than most, but everyone should be able to relate to his pains on some level because we've all had a day go from bad to worse to cataclysmic.
Beneath the black humour is social commentary on how the little guy gets swallowed up by the system. It's more exciting than it sounds.

4 weapon upgrades out of 5

Katatonia: Last Fair Day Gone Night (2014)

The first disc has the full concert as featured on the album. It’s a long show, wherein they play the Last Fair Deal Gone Down (2001) album in its entirety. If you've seen the band live before, you’ll know what to expect.
The second disc is a documentary retrospective of their 20 year career presented chronologically. It’s informative, sure, but it lacks any kind of passion. It’s narrated in English by a few of the band members over pictures and archive footage. However, it seems as if it’s being read directly from a prearranged text, which makes it all very jejune and dry.

2½ hangovers out of 5

The Stepford Wives (2004)

It’s both a new adaptation of the Ira Levin novel (1972) and a remake of the previous filmed version (1975), but it does nothing to further or respect the underlying principles upon which either was based. It throws a few gay guys into the mix, an addition that could've really tipped the balance in a dramatic way, but they’re as farcical as the rest of it.
Nicole is a good actress, so why does she make shit like this? Still, it’s not the vilest, most wasteful and unrewarding thing she's ever been involved with, if you know what I mean.

0½ an energizer out of 5

The Stepford Wives (1975)

TSW is a story of domestic bliss on one Marigold gloved hand and sinister goings-on on the other, based on the Ira Levin novel (1972) of the same name. It uses quite a lot of Ira’s dialogue verbatim, and manages to make it less dull in the process. Of course, it also benefits from having music. The ending is slightly different, but not in a bad way.
The insular town of Stepford is as much a character as the people that populate it, perhaps more so, because most of them are underdeveloped.
If you want a woman to become a doe-eyed, unthinking submissive like the ones in the film but you lack the scientific skills to make it happen, a diet of chick flicks and soap operas might have a similar effect.

3 new models out of 5

Rocky Balboa (2006)

Rocky's had his share of comebacks, but none have been as staggering as Balboa; its emotional power eclipses even the first film (1976).
He's retired from the sport, half of his heart is missing, his son is estranged in all but name, and the shadow he casts when he walks by the places he used to thrive is bigger than him. But he retains his self-respect and keeps on keeping on, taking the punches that life dishes out like a true champion.
Paulie (Burt Young) is no longer the goofy comic relief that he became in the middle films. He's on hand to lend support and drive a bolstering wedge into the sentimental, sombre mood when it's most suited.

5 stirring winds in the basement out of 5

Xanadu (1980)

An artist dissatisfied with his rather good job throws caution and common sense to the wind when a woman who glows like a Ready Brek kid amorously assaults him in a public area. I'm not making this up. The mystery woman, who occasionally exists as a streak of light, is somehow drawn to the corny dialogue and piss-poor acting. If she had a résumé it would probably note that she likes roller-skates and enjoys fading in and out of corporeal existence.
Xanadu might well have been a fun idea on paper, but as a film it’s a train wreck, the colourful carriages of which were filled with fashion-crimes, surplus ELO albums and emergent dancers.

1 long lunch hour out of 5

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)

The ‘Hell’ of the title refers to Sam Hell, a man in a post-war world run by women. The war left the majority of the population sterile, but Sam’s not filled with blanks—he has the highest spermatozoa count on record. He’s tasked with seeking out fertile women and impregnating them, for his country, of course.
Roddy Piper does what Roddy Piper does best (other than wrestling, I guess), which is being the downtrodden hero in a world that has gone to shit.

3 fucks for freedom out of 5

RUDDERLESS [2014]

Actor William H. Macy makes his directorial debut with Rudderless, a musical drama that does a mighty fine job at finding a way to your heart to both warm and break it.
Billy Crudup plays a broken man who rediscovers his love for playing music after tragically losing his musician son.  The movie starts off really strong but loses it's way a bit in it's formulaic third act.  Fortunately the acting, music and heart are all strong enough to not let it lose it's steam.  Macy seems to enjoy using a lot trick cuts and bizarre panning which are a bit distracting at times but they always seem to help tell the story so I suppose they can be excused.  With a few minor quips I couldn't help but be completely enamoured by the film and thoroughly enjoyed it's warmth, sadness and humor right up to the very end.

4 open mic nights out of 5

ANNABELLE [2014]

John R. Leonetti directs Annabelle, which is pretty much a loose spin-off of the far superior The Conjuring featuring the creepy doll in the glass case.
You know the speel:  young mother who spends most of her time alone with her new born baby has a weird looking doll that may or may not be rocking that chair back and forth in the nursery.  The father is generally clueless about what's going on but there's a stranger who's very educated in the strange occurrences.  With that you know the whole film from beginning to end because we've seen it countless times before and better than this snoozer.  Being the cinematographer on The Conjuring & Insidious, Leonetti knows how to capture the look of Wan's uber-creepier films but he doesn't know how to truly scare us anywhere near as much.  There's a few good jolts near the beginning but once you become familiar with the territory it gets really boring.

2 kid's drawings out of 5

TekWar (1994)

'It went in one ear and out the other’ is an old expression that you've maybe heard before. The first TekWar movie did that to me. It also went in through my eyes, but I've not been able to determine where that part came out. Ten minutes after viewing I’d forgotten ninety percent of it. I do remember the acting was decent for a TV movie and the technology was well-implemented, some of it was even believable and prophetic, but the story, about a cop who claims to be wrongfully accused of something or other, and a mysterious benefactor (The Shat) with expensive tech, was so unmemorable that it just fizzled away like a fart in the wind.

2 memory lapses out of 5

RAZE [2013]

Josh C. Waller's vicious exploitation flick, Raze, is guaranteed to make even the strongest of stomachs wince at least once.
50 women are abducted by bored rich folk and forced to beat each other to death in one-on-one matches to save their own loved ones from being murdered.  Sound familiar?  Probably.  It's nothing new with the exception of it being women this time around and it wisely avoids all the gratuitous nudity, lesbianism and rape scenes one would expect from such a film.  However it doesn't skimp on the stomach-turning bloodshed.  The level of graphic brutality earns the film a comfy spot in the horror genre based on the violence alone.  At first the film doesn't offer much but mind-numbing cruelty but as we become more familiar with the characters and they with each other, the choices, consequences and sacrifices make it both interesting and distressing to watch.  It's decent performances and clever writing raise the film above it's spotty premise and that's a disturbing yet pleasant surprise.

3 Death Proof girls out of 5

MAPS TO THE STARS [2014]

Director David Cronenberg douses Hollywood in gasoline and takes a match to it in the satirical thriller Maps To The Stars.
It tells the tale of a dysfunctional celebrity family that all live in some sort of drugged up hyper-reality that refuses to serve it's lunatic inhabitants any sort of meaningful purpose.  Julianne Moore, Mia Wasikowska and Evan Bird all turn in some pathologically chilling performances that you can't help but be drawn to while Cronenberg's direction has enough venom in it to make it funny, disturbing, depressing and downright insane.  This isn't a film for everyone, seeing as it is difficult to enjoy if you're not already a little off your rocker but definitely an impressive trail to take if you're morbid curiosity gets the best of you.

3½ bad babysitters out of 5

WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS [2011]

A group of obnoxious twenty-somethings look to get eaten alive in Declan O'Brien's Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings.
After the third film, I expected the fourth to be the worst of the spotty hillbilly cannibal film series, but was pleasantly surprised to find this wasn't the situation here with the "prequel" film.  Yes, it's fairly predictable, the acting is atrocious and the gore FX are real  hit & miss, but it recalls the twisted hilarity of the second film and that's where it won me over.  The humour is firmly intact again, allowing the pacing of the film to charge through like a hatchet to the skull.
A bad film front-to-back that supplies some great laughs at the expense of some brain cells.

2 fucked up fondues out of 5

Cape Fear (1991)

I can almost see why Scorsese would want to remake such a classic—he wouldn't be restrained by the same kind of moral restrictions as before—but the end result isn't as good as it could've been. He goes to great lengths to show that film has moved on from when the original was made, employing a multitude of techniques that almost overwhelm the story.
If the relationships of the family unit were more believable they might have balanced it out more evenly, but there’s something missing from the performances of both Nolte and Lange. Lewis fares better, though, and like Mitchum before him De Niro as the Max Cady character is the main reason to watch. The finale is balls, but everything he does prior to it is great.
Mitchum gets a small role and there’s a cameo from Gregory Peck, both of whom starred in the original film (1962).

3½ prison skills out of 5

DELIVER US FROM EVIL [2014]

Deliver Us From Evil is a mystery/horror about a  troubled cop who finds himself in the middle of a demon possession circle of gruesome crimes.
Director Scott Derrickson constantly proves to us that he can suffocate us with his knack for conjuring up some uber-creepsome atmosphere but, like the title of the film, he always seems to fall into conventional plotting and old hat scare tactics.  While the supporting cast are all quite wonderful it's the leading man, Eric Bana that is the most uninteresting of the bunch and that hurts the film quite a bit too.
If you've never seen an exorcism film before, from under that rock you've been under, then this might be pretty effective...but if not, then you have a legion of better ones to choose from.

2½ scary ass owl plushies out of 5

AT THE DEVIL'S DOOR [2014]

I was fond of director Nicholas McCarthy's feature length debut, The Pact, so I was eager to see if he could creep me out just as much with At The Devil's Door.
Sadly he falls flat on this face with this unfocused sloppy mess.
The acting goes from great to embarrassing with it's three leads but perhaps it's the laughable dialogue they had trouble executing with confidence.  I appreciate the weighty story that McCarthy was attempting to tell but it all just falls apart with it's jarring shifts in pacing and doesn't quite have the strength to keep itself together once things get too "complicated".  It had a lot of potential with some great jump scares and tense atmospher but it never quite feels convinced it can pull it's own weight.

2 shirts on the mirror out of 5

GONE GIRL [2014]

With Gone Girl, director David Fincher once again proves he is at his absolute best with moody mystery/thrillers that finds comfort simmering sucker-punch plot twists in the shadows.
Adapted by Gillian Flynch from her own novel, Ben Affleck plays the husband of a missing wife, who may or may not be innocent, amidst the media mayhem that surrounds the case.  It's the type of paranoid Hitchcock-esque film that constantly questions you just how much do you actually know the one you love, which makes for an awkward walk home with your date.  Wonderfully shot, written, tensely paced and flawlessly acted all makes for a crowd-pleaser that will please even the most dedicated fans of it's source material.

4 sociopaths? out of 5

Cape Fear (1962)

Sam Bowden is a rich attorney with a big house, young daughter and beautiful wife. They’re the kind of family that on weekends probably enjoy cream cakes on their generous sized lawn, without a care in the world. Into their peaceful existence comes Max Cady, an ex-con with a reason to make Sam’s life a living hell and the means to do so.
What makes the film more than just another average 1960s thriller is the threatening nature of Mitchum as a creepy, violent stalker, and the tense, knife-edge Bernard Herrmann music that accompanies him. Even when being friendly, Mitchum’s supremely menacing.

4 steady footsteps out of 5

NIGHTBREED:THE DIRECTOR'S CUT [2014]

Nearly 25 years after the cut of the original film, Clive Barker's dark fantasy/love story, Nightbreed is finally given the proper edit it's always deserved.
What we have here is a love story that takes place within the underground world of Midian which is inhabited by a gaggle of beautiful monsters, who would prefer to go unnoticed by the human eye.
The original suffered from 40 minutes of character development cut out of it and then replaced with 20 minutes of standard studio slasher flick crap which broke Barker's heart in the process.  This new cut shows us what the film was meant to be and it really fleshes out the relationships making the film's purpose clearer and more endearing.  There are a few jarring edits but I figure it's because there were never any establishing shots to make a smooth transition between scenes.
Small problems aside, the film is finally the wonderfully woven story it was always meant to be and I can't wait to revisit it again.

4 bad trips out of 5

SEE NO EVIL 2 [2014]

The Soska Sisters take a stab at the sequel to 2006's See No Evil and they have a helluva good time doing it too.  
Taking place the same night as the previous film, Kane's psychopathic character's (now named Jacob Goodnight) corpse is transported to the local morgue, where it turns out he isn't quite dead yet and life-ending hijinks ensue.  It's pretty straight forward and makes no attempt to break any new ground but it's enthusiasm and brisk pace make it slightly more entertaining than the first.  The casting of modern scream queen favorites, Danielle Harris, Kat Isabelle and Chelan Simmons make it easier on the eyes as well.  If you're a fan of the first then you'll be pleasantly surprised but if you're a fan of really great slasher flicks then you're better off going elsewhere.

2 graveyard shift birthday parties out of 5

WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD [2009]

The third instalment of the Wrong Turn slasher series, Left For Dead, completely forgets what made the second film such a hilariously twisted romp through the backwoods.
It's cheaply produced, horribly acted, terribly written and lacking anything that makes it desirable to watch ever again.
Cat shit.

1 pleasurable tow-truck service run out of 5

KNOCKAROUND GUYS [2001]

Brian Koppelman & David Levien co-write & direct Knockaround Guys, a run-of-the-mill crime-drama that seems to set out to have the same body count by it's last reel as Reservoir Dogs did.
A mobster's son and his second-rate criminal friends botch up an important job that finds them in some buttfuck nowhere middle American town, which ultimately leads to some heated intereactions.  It is interesting to see the many different levels of organized crime but that's where anything even remotely engaging ends.  The dialogue is laughably clichéd, the characters are wooden and the plot is a muddled mess that could only lead in one direction.  If not for the reasonably entertaining cast I might have turned this one off pretty quickly.

2 bar brawls out of 5

Simon, King of the Witches (1971)

The best thing about King of the Witches is that amazing artwork, but the film isn't bad either. The titular Simon (Andrew Prine) is a practitioner of magick who lives in a storm drain. Besides wet feet and a bag full of dollar charms, he’s the real deal, armed with an overpowering charisma and a multipurpose Athame; intentionally wrong him, or give him a dodgy cheque for services rendered, and he’ll curse your ass.
The film is an odd mix of B-Movie camp, 70s hipster culture, psychedelia and effects that look like they were lifted from an episode of TOTP. It’s hard to define exactly what it is I liked about it, but like it I did.

3 balls of wax out of 5

Alphaville (1965)

A sci-fi film that has the sci-fi implied and discussed more than actually seen. It’s from Jean-Luc Godard, so that kind of avant-garde daring is to be expected. It’s a noir story set in a kind of Orwellian society within which illegal behaviour is outlawed. What constitutes illegal behaviour? Falling in love and other, similar controlling/freeing emotions.
The narrative and the characters are rarely at rest, but it’s never exhausting. They occasionally look directly into the lens, making it feel as if you’re a part of the process, and not always a complementary part.
On a personal note, the simple but perfect way Godard cuts from outside a room to inside a room makes me giddy with joy.

4½ slaves to probability out of 5

Teen Wolf (1985)

I'm aware TW is well-liked by many people, but it seems to me as if a large percentage of those feelings are nostalgia masquerading as something else. I suffer from the same thing with my own favourite 80s movies, but not with TW. It’s a typical American High School comedy about a student who wants to be popular and get the girl. The only real difference is the gimmick that he’s a werewolf. Other than having hair in awkward places, it does very little that dozens of other films from the same era didn't do more successfully, which is to say that it’s what you have inside that counts.

2 issues with shedding out of 5

Rocky V (1990)

The Rocky series attempts to go full circle, returning the retired Stallion to his roots while acknowledging that changes have occurred since his rise to fame. It’s a decent idea, but it’s barely watchable at times. Seeing an absorbed, aged fighter trying to live vicariously through someone else is depressing for all the wrong reasons. We finally get to see him be a father for a while, too. However, the downside of that is having an angsty teen’s story sandwiched between the square peg in a round hole scenario.
The money-hungry manager in his limo is like a parody of a parody.
And what's worse, movie fight scenes are an art unto themselves, but in Rocky V they’re like blindfolded finger-painting with boxing gloves on.

2 hits for the home team out of 5

She (1982)

The credits claim it's based on the same H. Rider Haggard novel as the previous two film adaptations, but it's difficult to tell if that's true or just wishful thinking. What's plain to see is that it's a post-apocalyptic sword and sorcery fantasy film that makes Red Sonja (1985) look like a masterpiece. Although, in She's favour, it's more bat-shit crazy.
She encounters a creature with an exploding head, a group of friendly people in togas, a self-important weirdo with telekinesis, a biker gang (without bikes) that can't seem to decide which swastika to best use as an emblem, and more. It's a bizarre ride that's either bad, good, or both?

1 onion out of 5

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things (2004)

A harrowing journey based on JT LeRoy's fictional memoirs of the same name. It should be noted also that JT LeRoy is a fictional author.
It’s the story of young Jeremiah, taken from his loving foster home and returned to his shitty, selfish mother. Her idea of good parenting is to leave her son in the car alone while she goes off to fuck and get high with a guy she’s just met. She takes Jeremiah on the road and consequently he’s pushed into a life of drug, alcohol, physical and sexual abuse, and instilled fear based on lies. It’s not a happy film, but it’s powerful and at times, between the anger and the heartbreak, it’s strangely insightful.

4 red birds out of 5

RETURN TO OZ [1985]

You'd think getting Walt Disney to produce another Oz film would be the safest route to a colorful, happy family film.
Laughably this is not the case, with Walter Murch's bleak and oddly disturbing Return To Oz, which takes the viewer back into a worn down and decaying land, a far cry from the Technicolor world we knew from before.  Taking elements from several of  L. Frank Baum's Oz books, Return does a better job at faithfully adapting the works than the 1939 film did.  Much like The Neverending Story of the same era, this film is pure dark fantasy for the kids and isn't afraid to explore themes most kiddy films dare not venture into.  With some unsettling stop-motion effects and creepy characters, both good & bad, Return To Oz won't please viewers hoping for more dancing Munchkins,  Although anybody ready for a wonderous ride into a child-like imagination, no matter how dark, then this might be the one for you.

3½ green ornaments out of 5

THE ABC'S OF DEATH 2 [2014]

Without changing the formula of the original film, The ABCs Of Death 2 manages to surpass it's predecessor.
26 new genre directors from all over the world are brought to the table to assault the viewer with 26 new deaths and it is a twisted delight. Each segment mixes it up a bit, some live action, some classically animated, some silent, others done with stop-motion but all of them guaranteed to question your judgement of good taste.  Some are devilishly hilarious, others downright disturbing, many of them quite frightening but all are bat-shit fucking crazy, unfortunately only a small handful of them are genuinely brilliant, making for little replay value.

3 action figures out of 5

THE DROP [2014]

I'm a huge fan of Dennis Lehane's crime novels so it came as no surprise that I loved Belgian director Michaël R. Roskam's, The Drop, an adaptation of the short story Animal Rescue.
An incredibly intelligent character study that saves it's biggest reveals for the jaw-dropping finale, we're almost immediately invested in these folks no matter how mysterious or secretive they may or may not be.  Here we find ourselves heavily invested in even the seemingly smallest of exchanges and moments all thanks to the brilliantly subdued performances and understated direction.  The Drop allows the tension to naturally simmer with great unease that when the violence finally does explode it's like being tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire.
It might not be breaking any new ground but here it's all about the writing, acting and direction all of which are top notch.

4 garbage pail pups out of 5

ODD THOMAS [2013]

Stephen Sommers' horror/comedy Odd Thomas had promise as a great late-nite cult film but an uneven tone and jumbled plot hold it back.
Anton Yelchin assumes the role of the title character, a young man who can see dead people, an ability in which he uses to help solve heinous crimes.  Aided by an adorably charismatic performance from Addison Timlin, Yelchin and the rest of the cast toss bizarre yet amusing lines of dialogue between each other that seem like a twisted take on the hard-boiled noir genre.  I was constantly reminded of the eerily similar The Frighteners but this one never quite builds up to the bat-shit craziness of the Peter Jackson film.  As forgettably light entertainment it's easy to digest but as anything more it never quites lives up to expectations.

2½ bowling shirts out of 5

7500 [2014]

Director Takashi Shimizu takes another stab at bringing his spooky supernatural horror-chops to American audiences with 7500.
Instead of wasting your time with a brief plot synopsis, I'll just say it's Snakes On A Plane with ghosts.  Depending on how seriously you want to take this film will have a great effect on what sort of enjoyment you get out of it.  It's silly, predictable and packed with more than enough groan-worthy lines of dialogue but with a few decent creepy moments and mildly surprising twists I couldn't help but find myself giddy with this cheap thriller.  It has a helluva time finding a cohesive plot or purpose but due to it's strong genre cast and wonderful use of space, it rises a bit higher than the shit-fest it was destined to be.

2 shinigamis out of 5

THE NORMAL HEART [2014]

Ryan Murphy (Glee, American Horror Story) has a way of shamelessly pandering to a specific audience and spoon-feeding them by the truckloads to match exactly what their generic tastes might be.
The Normal Heart is no different as it is handed to the Academy audience on a silver platter.
Based on Larry Kramer's play of the same name, the film follows the rise of the AIDS crisis in the early '80's within the gay community.  With it's heavy subject matter, we're treated to some pretty great performances that never let a lot of the melodramatic speeches get too out-of-hand.  Murphy's direction isn't as flamboyant as it usually is (with the exception of a few distracting sequences), instead he focuses on the human drama that is actually quite compelling for the better half of the film.
Awards season might have swallowed this like honey but don't let it completely scare you away.

3 Rolodex cards out of 5

THE WIZARD OF OZ [1939]

In all honesty, as a kid I never found a whole lot in Victor Fleming's extravagant musical film adaptation of L. Frank Baum's classic novel The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz.  In fact the greater portion of it bored me.
Having not seen it in nearly 30 years allowed me to see it in an entirely different light and find a awe-inspiring value in it I've never felt before.  Largely differing from it's source material (including the silver slippers altered into the iconic ruby red we've all accepted as the norm), the film turns Dorothy into a helpless young lady rather than the tough little girl she was originally written as but once you get past that you're invited into a colorful, musical world that shines with enthusiastic wide-eyed wonder.
It's beautifully designed sets, memorable music, outstanding performances, exemplary costumes and wondrous imagination all make it a definitive staple in film history.

4 scary ass flying monkeys out of 5

Ong Bak 3 (2010)

OB 3 continues the story of OB 2 (2008), so it’s a prequel sequel. It goes something like this: Fight / story / Torture / Flashback / Mystical Bullshit / Fight / Dream / Fight / Flashback / Fight / Fight / Fight /  End.
I noticed partway through that even though it’s an incoherent mess as a standalone film, it begins to make sense when paired with the test of endurance that was OB 2. Whereas it was focussed primarily on aggression, OB 3 is focussed more on spiritual rebirth, both of which are traits found in Jaa’s character in the original film (2003). It managed to make OB 2 relevant! Was that the plan all along? It doesn't change the fact that separately both films are unsatisfying, but when viewed as two halves of a whole they at least help prop each other up.

1 sharp elbow out of 5

Jackie Brown (1997)

I've seen all but one of Tarantino's films and all but one of those multiple times. From that incomplete selection, JB is the best.
It has the usual long takes heavy with dialogue, but they serve a purpose other than to show off. It’s mature thematically. The storytelling has some twists and turns but it’s not struggling to adhere to the usual gimmickry, perhaps because he didn't write it from scratch (it’s an adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel, Rum Punch (1992)). It spends a long time building up to the pay off, longer than many films run in entirety, if truth be told, but because it’s a story for adults, not just post-pub thrill-seekers with undiagnosed attention deficits, the time invested is rewarded with more than just gunfire and spectacle. Bravo, QT. Bravo.

5 levels set just right out of 5

Chocolate (2008)

JeeJa Yanin's amazing début performance. She plays a young autistic woman named Zen who may not be able to describe the nuances between right, wrong, or doing wrong for the right reason, but she knows when someone she loves needs help. Zen is instinct honed to perfection. She's 'don’t judge a book by its cover' and she doesn't back down from a fight.
It's a Thai martial arts movie from Prachya Pinkaew that goes for the heart almost as much as it goes for the throat. Fights often resemble Jackie Chan’s, but without the self-imposed restraints they're more violent.
Yanin is more diverse than Pinkaew’s other go to guy, Tony Jaa. She makes a stunning finale involving signs on the side of a building look easy.

4 inspiring imperfections out of 5

Rocky IV (1985)

I must've accidentally pickled up Rocky IV: Musical Montage Edition by mistake. Either that or the film single-handedly tried to define everything that was bad about sports movies in the 80s. It’s a flashy, spangly disaster that has many of the proper ingredients in place elsewhere, but the resultant pie fails to satiate. A dressing of political bullshit doesn't help.
Dolph Lundgren as Rocky’s opponent, Ivan Drago, gets to be one half of a USA Vs Russia approach that was handled clumsily. It was the first proper role for the Swedish actor, but he gets very little dialogue. He’s a puppet, whose on-screen wife would soon become Stallone’s real world wife.

2½ loud personalities out of 5

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Weigh the good against the bad in JM and the scales tip in favour of the bad, Keanu's acting is laughable (Razzie nominated) and Ice-T is impossible to take seriously (in everything, ever), but a big chunk of love for it regardless tips them back the other way in my estimation.
The screenplay is by William Gibson, based on his short story (1981); Gibson doesn't write simple stuff, but parts of it are somewhat underdeveloped.
It resembles a Beta of Masamune Shirow's software running on cobbled together cyberpunk hardware. It's also somehow reminiscent of yakuza movies from a decade before. And it has Henry Rollins.
It's a good thing it got made when it did, because in a post-Matrix (1999) world it wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of existing as is.

3 residual traces out of 5

Hercules and the Amazon Women (1994)

Before 'Hercules: The Legendary Journeys' became a TV series it was preceded by some TV movies, five of them, of which this is the first. The setup is simple: a village is under attack from beasts and only good guy Herc (Kevin Sorbo) and his blond sidekick (The Other Guy) can save it.
When not exploring verdant forests the heroes explore gender roles in a made-for-TV manner. Herc may be the son of Zeus, but when it comes to female logic even he can’t make head nor tail of their bullshit.
Lucy Lawless pops up in a supporting role but not as Xena.

2½ quick ones out of 5

Son of Batman (2014)

Batman’s paternal instincts have been explored before with the various Robins. You can debate the usefulness of a Robin, but at least they weren't snot-nosed little shits like the youth in SoB. He puts himself in dangerous situations to prove his mastery and ends up ruining everyone’s day.
Does the continuity shake up of JL: War (2014) excuse the uncharacteristic way Batman behaves? It’s one thing to allow an outsider access to the Bat Cave, but to bring him into the world of other people who value their secrecy as much as Batsy is supposed to value his own is ridiculous.
And since when was letting someone who could be saved go ahead and die any different than killing him, in Bruce’s mind at least?

2½ threatening moves out of 5

Vincent Price's Dracula (1985)

aka Dracula: The Great Undead

The velvety-voiced Vincent Price tells us about Vlad Dracul and how the atrocities he reportedly committed throughout his life influenced the Dracula legend. There's laughs, horrors and garlic aplenty.
The B+W film footage is great fun for olde timey horror fans like me, but there are a few decades old spoilers sandwiched in there, so beware.

2½ impaled nobles out of 5

Foxy Brown (1974)

Jack Hill followed up the successful Coffy (1973) with another blaxploitation flick led by the queen of the genre, Pam Grier. You mess with Foxy’s man and you mess with Foxy, and the last thing you want to do is tangle with her, because she gives as good as she gets. She’ll even go so far as to become a high-class hooker to get revenge on your pale ass.
Buckle yourself in for some “funky”, “dig it” and “right on” violence with occasional bouts of fine comedy to lighten the savage mood.

3 pickles out of 5

Takeshis' (2005)

The first film in Kitano’s surrealist autobiographical trilogy. Note the placement of the apostrophe in the title: there’s more than one Takeshi, or aspect of the same. The doubles of people who populate the world of successful actor/director Takeshi become part of the increasingly weird dreams of the loser Takeshi, a lowly cashier who wants desperately to be an actor. Each of the principal cast play at least two roles.
It celebrates and mocks his public and private personas, sometimes both in the same scene. It’s packed with references to previous films, so it’d be advisable to explore as many of those as possible before attempting to tackle the fragmented construction of Takeshis’.

3 familiar Beats out of 5

World Apartment Horror (1991)

The first live action feature from Ôtomo (the director of Akira (1988)), was from a story written by Satoshi Kon. Being a fan of both men’s work meant I was understandably excited. It’s a low budget horror comedy that follows the misfortunes of an ineffectual Yakuza named Ita as he tries to make a small group of foreigners leave an apartment block that his boss wants to demolish. But amongst the residents is one who won’t be easily moved, because they’re dead. Evil spirits are the worst kind of tenants.

2½ holes in the floor out of 5

Godzilla x MechaGodzilla (2002)

Forty-five years have come and gone since the first Godzilla attack (see first film). Japan feels it’s prepared should it ever happen again, but when a new Godzilla descends upon the city unexpectedly they discover the truth: if the humans are to survive they’ll need to fight fire with fire.
A female pilot with something to prove, a scientist who wants to buy her dinner, and a young girl who sees the world in a way that adults are no longer able to each help the film juggle fun times and serious musings in different ways. But the action is where GxM really excels. When Mecha goes toe to toe with Godzilla and the missiles start flying... Oh, my!

It’s the 26th film in the series and the 4th in the Millennium era. The Millennium films are standalone, alternative sequels to the 1954 original that you can jump to directly after viewing it, except Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003), which is a sequel to GxM. It's less confusing than it sounds.

3½ military toys out of 5

Warrior King 2 (2013)

aka Tom-Yum-Goong 2 / The Protector 2

Warrior King (2005) had some minor use of green screen but the stunts performed in front of it were dangerously real. The sequel uses the screen often and goes further by adding wire-work. There’s no law that says Tony Jaa can’t use wires, but his insistence that they not be used in previous films was what made him exceptional, like Jackie Chan. Remove the exception and you’re left with a great martial artist in a movie that isn't as far removed from Hollywood action as it ought to be; it’s just sweatier.
It’s worth watching to see Jaa and JeeJa Yanin together, though. More of that, please, but in a better film next time.

2 fiery feet out of 5

ForeBears (2013)

A documentary by Marie Cachet and Varg Vikernes (aka 'Count Grishnackh' of Burzum) that chooses to observe its subject, as opposed to commenting on it in any kind of direct, expository way.
Structurally it brings three things together into one whole: footage that resembles home movies, excerpts from the Egyptian Book of the Dead and Burzum music as soundtrack (the Sôl austan, Mâni vestan (2013) album).
See Varg being studious with a book before making himself a hot drink in his favourite cup. Oh, the excitement~ The juxtaposition of his life with his wife’s is where the film finds something to say. The freedom that mother and children enjoy is enviable. You may not sympathise with the Pagan belief system, but at least the kids are learning genuine skills, not being instructed in religious guilt and shame or how to do algebra.

1½ cometh and goeth, to and froeth out of 5