The Church (1989)

aka Cathedral of Demons / Demon Cathedral /  Demons 3

Though not a continuation or even directly linked to Demons (1985) and Demons 2 (1986), it's officially the third film in the series. But don't expect the same kind of cheap gore as what came before. Dir. Michele Soavi's film is more of a slow-burning, psychological affair, which is a polite way of saying that it has bucket-loads of atmosphere (most old churches/cathedrals do) but is so deathly slow, with empty characters, that at times it's a struggle to even maintain interest. It's too much foreplay and not enough bang. The script is a mess, too. When it does deliver the goods, though, wow, it's bloody amazing!

NOTE: If you've any interest in seeing it, I recommended going in without first watching the trailer, otherwise you'll have ALL the best scenes spoiled for you, and at least one of them you really don't want to see coming. An image search is an equally bad idea. But it's fun to watch the trailer afterwards to compare - it makes it look like a bona fide masterpiece of the genre.

2½ hidden mechanisms out of 5

Mother of Tears (2007)

The conclusion to Dario Argento's Three Mothers trilogy arrived twenty-seven years after its predecessor (Inferno (1980)), and while it's good to finally have the triumvirate fully represented, Mater Lachrymarum's story doesn't come anywhere close to being the equal of the other two.
The very modern settings are beautifully framed a lot of the time, and the way the camera pursues Asia through the architecture is reminiscent of earlier works, but it lacks the stylish visuals we've come to expect. Even Claudio Simonetti's score, something that could've helped maintain the personality of the previous films, is a departure from the style.
About twenty minutes before the end we get a glimpse of the highly atmospheric work we should've had throughout, but even it doesn't last.

2½ witch gifts out of 5

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things (2004)

A harrowing journey based on JT LeRoy's fictional memoirs of the same name. It should be noted also that JT LeRoy is a fictional author.
It’s the story of young Jeremiah, taken from his loving foster home and returned to his shitty, selfish mother. Her idea of good parenting is to leave her son in the car alone while she goes off to fuck and get high with a guy she’s just met. She takes Jeremiah on the road and consequently he’s pushed into a life of drug, alcohol, physical and sexual abuse, and instilled fear based on lies. It’s not a happy film, but it’s powerful and at times, between the anger and the heartbreak, it’s strangely insightful.

4 red birds out of 5

LAST DAYS [2005]

Director Gus Van Sant's final film in his Death trilogy, Last Days is inspired by the final days of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain.
Already a ghost in his own home, the drug-addled rocker, eerily played by Michael Pitt, wanders around aimlessly searching for some sort of peace that seems to allude him by mere moments..  The film is slow, haunting and dreadfully quiet with the exception of few moments when Pitt picks up his guitar and breaths life into linear narrativ..
All in all, Last Days is paced way too slowly to keep interest and it's characters are all too distant to really grasp onto any sort of emotion beyond confused and cold.  Maybe that's the point but it sure isn't that enjoyable or interesting but Van Sant's direction keeps the viewer hypnotized until the bizarre finale.

3 figures in red out of 5

xXx (2002)

It actually happened: watching an action movie dropped my IQ into the minus numbers. Admittedly, it didn't have far to fall to get there, but that doesn't negate the sheer inanity of this shitfest.
Vin is an adrenaline junkie (which we all know is a synonym for wanker) who gets drafted by Sam Jackson (playing a poor man’s Nick Fury) to be a government secret agent. Jebus wept! It’s a James Bond movie with the ridiculous action fantasies cranked to faster and more stupid levels.
If I was Rob Cohen I’d have attributed it to Alan Smithee before release.

0½ foot to ass out of 5

Boarding Gate (2007)

There’s no chemistry between anyone in this sterile story structured around a woman with complex feelings toward two of her lovers. The lack of passion means the relationships are functional to the plot but empty and lifeless beneath the surface. That same coldness is echoed in the awful silver/blue lighting that we see all too often in films about corporate businesses. I hate that shit. There’s no warmth to any of it, meaning it sits at odds with the slutty allure that is Asia Argento’s usual currency.
It’s not until half the film has come and gone that anything remotely interesting happens. I wouldn't want to watch it a second time.

2 departures out of 5

B. Monkey (1998)

A London schoolteacher with unfulfilled dreams meets a woman that gives him the danger his life was lacking. The woman is B. Monkey.
Asia Argento isn't the greatest actress in the world, but she has confidence and an ambivalent allure that can make an average film better if the director plays up to it, like Michael Radford did here. Playing her against Jared Harris works well; they each have what the other needs emotionally, but the accompanying baggage threatens to drag them both down.

3 parts of the trip out of 5

New Rose Hotel (1998)

Some nonsense about corporate extraction and the nature of truth and love. It's based on a short by William Gibson and translates his sense of detachment and cold impersonality to the screen; I'm not sure if that was intentional or just bad filmmaking. It's depressing and empty, but has Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe, so it didn't get the stop button.
Features Japanese illustrator Yoshitaka Amano and daughter of Dario, Asia Argento, who gets on the cover because she has tits. If Walken had tits he'd probably be there too.

1½ style over substance out of 5