Dragon from Russia (1990)

The Freeman is an assassin for a cult known as 800 Dragons. As part of his training they stole his memory, and in order to fully understand his own nature he needs to rediscover his origins and determine his loyalties.
Clarence Fok’s adaptation of the Crying Freeman manga is typical Hong Kong martial arts action cinema: elevated camera angles, stylistic combat, wire work, fast editing, etc. The stunt choreography is wonderful, but the film is dragged down by a severe lack of characterisation and some woeful comedic moments. I prefer Christophe Gans' version of the story.

2½ creaky door voices out of 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart at the River Styx (1972)

The second Lone Wolf and Cub film continues the story of sword for hire Ogami Ittō and his three-year-old son, Daigoro, whom Ittō pushes around in a rickety wooden baby cart. It opens with a truly memorable scene, setting the tone for the elevated levels of savagery and bloodshed that follow.
Hired by a nervous businessman to protect his financial and personal interests (i.e. assassinate someone), Ittō must first face the skilled Hidari brothers, aka the Three Masters of Death. As if that wasn't a difficult enough task on its own, the swordsman also has to contend with his greatest enemy, the Shadow Yagyū, whose female ninjas give the series the opportunity to further explore the role of women in the power play between good and evil.

4 points for good parenting out of 5

MARY AND MAX [2009]

Mary and Max is a beautifully written claymation film from Australia's Adam Elliot, creator of the award-winning short Harvie Krumpet.  

As it follows the story of two outcasts who strike up an unlikely friendship as pen-pals from Australia and New York, the film explores themes of depression, loneliness and the little things in life we will never understand.  The subject matter is pretty heavy but it's brightened up by a stark sense of humour that is both familiar and warm.  

4 Home-ophobias out of 5

Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance (1972)

Film number one introduces us to master swordsman Ogami Ittō and his young son, Daigoro. It then gives the father's reasons for choosing the difficult rōnin lifestyle, for becoming the ‘lone wolf’ of the title.
Through careful juxtaposition and the occasional flashback to two years previous we quickly get the measure of the man and an insight into the world in which he lives. Ittō steps out of symbolic darkness to perform his task in the light – he's the official executioner for the Tokugawa Shogunate, expected to kill with one stroke, time and time again. The position brings with it certain privileges that make him the envy of other clans. One clan in particular, the Yagyū, want the power that the executioner has for themselves.
It's a film for fans of violent Chanbara or exploitation cinema in general.

4 white roads out of 5

To the Devil a Daughter (1976)

A novelist attempts to save the soul of a young nun from a satanic cult in this Hammer Horror that’s unlike anything the studio had ever made. It dropped the traditional theatrics, got overly-serious, went on location shoots and tried to mimic American films like The Exorcist (1973) and Rosemary’s Baby (1968).
The last five minutes are a travesty, but up to that point it’s a glimpse of a bold new direction for the studio that sadly was too little too late.
It’s loosely based on a Dennis Wheatly story, so loosely that even Dennis would struggle to find the similarities.

3 belly-busters out of 5

New Dragon Gate Inn (1992)

aka: Dragon Inn

A remake of King Hu's earlier Dragon Inn (1967) film. A power hungry eunuch, in employ of the Emperor but acting without his consent, sends his secret Black Arrow Troop to capture and kill the children of an army commander so that his goal of ruling China can get underway.
A quick scan of the people involved lets you know that you're in for a kinetic, balletic storm of action. It's a comedy/action wuxia adventure that takes some time to get going, but like all good wuxia films the ending is simply amazing; it even manages to do things that I'd not seen before anywhere else.

3½ drifting duckweeds out of 5

Kate Bush: The Single File (1983)

The Single File presents Kate’s first twelve promo videos in chronological order, originally released to coincide with a box set of the same name containing all her 7" singles. It’s notable for having the UK only version of Wuthering Heights, the original promo of Wow, and the promo for Suspended In Gaffa, which was never released as a single in the U.K.
At time of writing it’s still unavailable on dvd so you’ll need to seek out a second hand VHS or Laserdisc copy. Or use the youtube playlist HERE.

5 red dresses out of 5

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION [2006]

Chris Guest & company gather together once more for the Academy Award season satirical film For Your Consideration.

It takes some nasty jab at the way Hollywood & the entertainment business runs but I think a lot of the humour is lost on the average viewer with too many "in the biz" jokes and whatnot.  Catherine O'Hara shines here as the insecure and manic actress on the verge of hysterics.  For some reason Guest decides to drop the mockumentary style he's so good at and it hurts the ab-libbed humour a bit.  Beyond it's many shortcomings, FYC is still wickedly funnier than most inane thoughtless comedies today.

3½ Jezebels out of 5

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE [2009]

Spike Jonze takes up the near impossible task of turning Maurice Sendak's children's book Where The Wild Things Are into a feature length film.  

Now it was this book and Jim Henson's imagination that molded me into the wreck that I am today, so I went into this film with extreme caution.  So I was happy to come out of it satisfied and in awe of what Jonze did with the story.  It captures the feelings of a child's frustration, rage and imagination quite well, while he is learns to see his own self through the lives of these confused and larger than life monsters.  

Also, there was something in my eye a few times throughout the film.  

3½ owls of nonsensical wisdom out of 5

Countess Dracula (1971)

Hammer Horror starring Ingrid Pitt. Despite the Dracula name being up there, there are no vampires in this one. It’s the story of the infamous and cruel Countess Elizabeth Báthory. It more closely resembles a court scandal period drama than a typical horror. It gave Ingrid the role she became most famous for, but there are much better films to be found in the Hammer catalogue. Ingrid lovers will be after my blood now.

2½ gentlemanly moustaches out of 5

Fire and Ice (1983)

Fire and Ice is a collaboration between director Ralph Bakshi and fantasy illustrator Frank Frazetta, using the same rotoscoping technique that Bakshi used in previous films. It’s a technique that gives the character movement a vibrancy and authenticity that traditional hand drawn animation had at that time struggled to emulate effectively.
Sadly, the plot is thinner than muslin cloth. A girl with a fat ass runs a lot, and two kingdoms go to war because of her. That's really all there is to it.

3 but only if you're a fan of Frazetta or animation out of 5

Crying Freeman (1995)

The Freeman is a Chinese assassin that exists in myth and legend, called upon only when needed. If you're unlucky enough to see him in action, then you too must die. That's his code. That's his curse.
CF is one of my guilty pleasures. I adore every minute of it. It's based on a Japanese comic book that was also adapted into a successful anime.
The acting is just above average, not helped at times by the last-minute ADR.
The story drifts into mystical bullshit halfway through.
The ending is both wonderful and face-palm bad. And yet, it's so much guilty fun. Viewed as a live action manga/anime, it's a huge success.

3½ Sons of the Dragon out of 5

Cold Fish (2010)

When compared to Love Exposure, Cold Fish feels almost ordinary. Sure, it's a movie about tropical fish salesmen and old man sex and ghastly murders, but it has a reasonably coherent plot and a 2 and 1/2 hour runtime. Sounds like fun for the whole family!

The editing is spectacular, full of rapid back and forth scene changes that feel completely fluid. Shamoto very hard to read, but that makes him fascinating, and his transformation is riveting. However, the violence in the film is brutal, intense, and misogynistic in a way that can be excruciatingly uncomfortable to watch. Sometimes I felt like Sono was more interested in cruelty than his characters, but it's called the Hate trilogy for a reason. Still, the black comedy is well executed, and if I have the stomach for it, I might go back and watch this again.

3 bones covered in soy sauce out of 5.

A MIGHTY WIND [2003]

Christopher Guest continues with the funny with his hilarious folk music mockumentary A Mighty Wind.  Guest opts to go for more of an emotional story than his previous films and it gives the chance for the actors to show they aren't just funny but can really capture realistic character traits as well.  It's done so well I swear if I didn't know it was a Guest film I would have thought it was a real documentary with really weird people in it.  It's not Guest's funniest film but certainly his most heartfelt.

4 folk rockin' Spinal Taps out of 5

ARGO [2012]

With two great films under his director's belt, Ben Affleck proves that he didn't just get lucky with the old school styled thriller Argo.  Based on the events of the Canadian Caper, Affleck wisely decides to lighten the mood a  bit compared to his previous films with some dark humour while never sacrificing the tension he does so well at building up.  Acting more like a thriller from the era the story takes place in, Argo hits you with story & character development rather than flashy, loud edits and sound.
It's get some of it's facts wrong but in the end it doesn't matter, as it keeps you gripped to your seat with excitement and intrigue.

4  "argo fuck yourselves" out of 5

LOOPER [2012]

Writer/director Rian Johnson works with a bigger palate on his third feature film, the sci-fi thriller Looper.  Casting Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a young Bruce Willis is a little distracting at times, due to bizarre looking contact lenses & make-up but as the film progresses you forget due to the fascinating story unfolding before you.  Nerds will piss & moan about the time-travelling plotholes but that's missing the point of the film.  It's not about time-travelling...it's about choices & consequences.  It may not be a perfect film but certainly a damned fine entertaining one.

4 froggy warnings out of 5

BEST IN SHOW [2000]

Christopher Guest assembles his usual group of actors to bring on the funny with their knack of incredible improv in the mockumentary Best In Show.  

The film focuses on a group of flaky, neurotic individuals who all live their lives through their canine companions, as they all come together to compete in a national dog show.  There's more than enough folks who just simply didn't understand the humor in this film but for those that do, it's a piss-your-pants laugh-a-thon.  

4 telepathic bloodhounds out of 5

Hitman (1998)

aka: Contract Killer

Martial arts action comedy that I think would've benefited from having less of the comedy and more of the martial arts. Jet fumbles through most of it with a Jackie Chan style innocence, until the finale lets him show what he can do when untamed. He kicks better than he acts.

I enjoy watching Eric Tsang, but he too is capable of much more than this.

2½ new suits out of 5

The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Hammer Horror starring Scream Queen Ingrid Pitt and featuring the wonderful Peter Cushing. The film attempts to disguise its lack of plot by having Ingrid’s cleavage heaving all over the frame and lusty busty lesbian embraces, but anyone over the age of twelve will see through that instantly.
Besides its enjoyably shameful tactics it’s a fun frolic through the vaults of alternative vampire lore in the usual Hammer style.
It’s the first part of the loosely connected Karnstein Trilogy; the others are Lust for a Vampire (1971) and Twins of Evil (1972).

3 not very clever pseudonyms out of 5

Bangkok Dangerous (1999)

Kong doesn't flinch as he kills because he can’t hear the cries of his victims or the thunder of the gun; he's deaf and mute.
An early film from the Pang Brothers in which they try hard to find an artistic voice and succeed most of the time. It’s exciting to watch it develop; like early John Woo. It’s dark, visually and thematically, lit partly by the surfacing emotions of the hard-boiled protagonist, but mostly it stays in the shadows.

3½ stylish kills and equally stylish cuts out of 5

THIS IS SPINAL TAP [1984]

Rob Reiner's theatrical feature length directorial debut, This Is Spinal Tap is probably one of the funniest rock music satires ever.

This mockumentary cult classic captures the lifestyles of the '80's heavy metal band so well, many real metal musicians of it's time failed to see the humor in it, some going so far as to saying "it's exactly like us. Why is it so funny?"

Spinal Tap members themselves, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean & Harry Shearer are top-notch ab-libbers and seem like the genuine thing, something they would only get better at at they prove in Guest's future films.  

4 crotch zucchinis out of 5

WAITING FOR GUFFMAN [1997]

Writer/director Christopher Guest (This Is Spinal Tap's guitarist) returns to his mockumentary roots in Waiting For Guffman.

Edited down from 60 hours of completely ad-libbed material, Guest's hilarious concept is brought to life with an insanely funny & talented cast.  It's got enough upfront funny bits but with repeat viewing you'll notice all sorts of little subtly placed jokes and gags that easily cements it as a comedy diamond in the rough.

4 Stool Capitols of the World out of 5

GOON [2012]

Michael Dowse, writer/director of the hilariously disturbing Fubar films, hits the ice with the Jay Baruchel & Evan Goldberg scripted Goon.

It's pure Canadian hockey humour that will probably fly over most folks' heads and possibly shock some along the way.  It's brutally violent and filled with some overly filthy Canadian language but somehow manages to ground itself with a lot of heart.  It's a little unfocused, flat on character development and rushed at times but packs in just enough laughs to be forgiveable.  

3 Trailer Park Boys out of 5

The Perfect Score (2004)

High school kids plan a heist to help them pass their SAT. It’s boring and predictable, like toast. Except, I like toast. Toast is better.

1½ standardised clichés out of 5

Lady Vengeance (2005)

aka: Sympathy for Lady Vengeance

Director Park Chan-wook serves up a tale of calculated revenge that's both terrifying and painfully beautiful. Even the playful scenes are filled with a similar conflicting emotion. The vengeance is used as a catalyst for rebirth, an idea that’s echoed in symbolism repeatedly, helped along by some baroque style music that adds a deeper grandeur.
It’s hard not to get drawn into the clarity of Miss Geum-ja’s world, which leaves the viewer open to similar emotions. By the end you'll know whether or not you'd have acted any differently.

5 deep breaths out of 5

The Devil Rides Out (1968)

aka The Devil's Bride

A Hammer Horror based on a Dennis Wheatley novel of the same name, adapted for the screen by author Richard Matheson, It stars Christopher Lee as Duc de Richleau, a wealthy man driven by a moral need to save a close friend from losing himself to the clutches of a satanic society. The application of many of the rituals is pure hokum, and the plot has some major holes, but it’s a perfect example of the theatrical horror that the studio was famous for. Ultimately, it’s an old fashioned good vs evil adventure and, despite what one might call a cop-out ending, is my personal favourite of Hammer's films.

4 tall candles out of 5

Meshes of the Afternoon (1943)

Meshes is a short film, lasting just fourteen minutes but it’s one of the most powerful and important pieces of surrealist cinema ever made. It presents some very striking imagery that you’ll have to interpret in your own way, and a truly inspired use of sound that is occasionally chilling. It ought to be essential viewing for every student of film.

5 reality slippages out of 5

Red Cliff: Part II (2009)

Part II delivers on what Part I teased. Opposing sides, building on strengths and exploiting enemy weaknesses are what John Woo excels at.

NOTE: Part I and II together run for approx 286 mins. The "International cut" is the 2 parts combined but butchered to 148 mins.

4 stanzas of war out of 5

GENTLEMEN BRONCOS [2009]

After the mainstream disaster that was Nacho Libre, Jared Hess (writer & director of Napoleon Dynamite) returns to what he does best.  Quirky indie-comedies that really aren't for everybody.

Serving as a twisted homage to terrible sci-fi pulp fiction, Gentlemen Broncos is weird, weird, weird.  It manages to be consistently funny and is never afraid to get too absurd.  As awkwardly hilarious as the film is, it does suffer a bit in character development.  We get to know everybody in the first 20 minutes and that's it.  They never really push forward after that, but can be forgiven as it dares to be different.

3 assault deers out of 5

Red Cliff: Part I (2008)

A lavish historical epic that drips money from every scene.  It’s set around real events during the end of the Chinese Han Dynasty so director John Woo doesn't have guns to play around with, instead he gets creative with spears and swords, a lot.  Less stylised combat and more time devoted to the many characters would have earned it an even better score.

3 fake beards out of 5

HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II [1988]

Hellraiser creator Clive Barker assumes the role of producer & creator only for the 1998 sequel allowing director writer team Tony Randel & Peter Atkins to take over.

Hellbound dives deeper into the mythology and world of the Cenobites and their hilariously playful ways. Like the original film, it relies heavily on silly coincidences and mysteries that would be serve better solved rather than open to interpretation.  However, if you're a gorehound and love some twisted imaginative visuals & ideas then this film doesn't disappoint.  

3 morse code gods out of 5

THE BAY [2012]

Barry Levinson takes an odd turn in his career and writes & directs a found footage ecological horror film that cranks up the creepy crawlies making you not want to touch, see or drink water.

The Bay sets up an interesting premise that is almost believable but unfortunately runs out of things to say or do about 20 minutes into the film and spends the next hour diddling around with a parasite lodged up it's ass. It'll make you think twice about your drinking water but beyond that you're left with a particularly boring case of the trots.

1 Fish of Death out of 5

Forrest Gump (1994)

Forrest is an idiot that touches the hearts of almost everyone he comes into contact with. The character has an impossible innocence that I don’t think anyone but Tom Hanks could have imbued it with; the purity of it eats me up inside. That’s a very special kind of gift that I gladly accept.
It’s one of a small number of films that I've found to be a lot more entertaining than the book it’s based on.

4½ boxes of chocolates out of 5

Chemical Wedding (2008)

Aka: Crowley

A structurally messy but full of good intent British film about the return of The Great Beast 666, Aleister Crowley, fifty years after his death.
Simon Callow is fantastic as the outspoken occultist; he hams it up like a pro. Sadly, the rest of the film is a bit shit. Had pervert extraordinaire Ken Russell been handed the script twenty years ago it could've been turned into something delightfully bizarre.

2½ snakes of Thelema out of 5

HELLRAISER [1987]

Author Clive Barker directs and adapts his own novella, The Hellbound Heart, for the screen in the 1987 horror cult classic Hellraiser.

As a Barker fanboy it's difficult to give this a fair rating but one can't help but notice the terrible acting, dubbed voices, pointless filler scenes of questionable creepiness and sloppy editing.  However, the film excels in imagination, originality, make-up effects and Christopher Young's breakthrough musical score really raises the bar.  

Barker might not be a great film-maker but he certainly is a fantastic visualist.  

3½ dragon hobos from Hell out of 5

MAN ON A LEDGE [2012]

Asger Leth's Man On A Ledge is filled with plotholes galore, shoddy editing, some ridiculous coincidences, groan worthy dialogue, aimless side-stories and paper-thin characters but for some reason it remains pretty damned entertaining.

The whole time I was thinking it could have heavily benefited if it was filmed with Tony Scott's flair for silly action sequences, like swooping crane & copter shots and snappy editing.  Go in expecting nothing more than dumb fun and come out satisfied with just that.

3 long ways down out of 5

V FOR VENDETTA [2005]

Director James McTeigue & The Wachowskis bring Alan Moore & David Lloyd's V For Vendetta comic books to the screen with mixed results. 

It's faulted with sloppy dialogue, uninspired lighting & framing and completely altering the political agenda originally explored in it's source material to better suit American culture with a politically juvenile message. On the other hand, the film never seems to waste scenes on pointless character moments and continues to build upon their development and the world around them, which makes it easy to become quite involved with it's intent.  

By no means a perfect film but still a entertaining ride that lost it's original objective.

3½ 1812 Overtures of Destruction out of 5

Battle Royale (2000)

High-school students are given weapons and told to use them on each other. The cull begins. If only it was real.

4½ backstabbing bitches out of 5

Iron Maiden: Live after Death (1985)

One of the finest filmed performances ever from one of the finest British Metal bands. They were at their peak creatively and musically. I suspect every true Maiden fan in existence owns it. If they don’t yet, it’s only a matter of time before they do. A second disc adds some documentary footage, but it’s the concert that you’ll return to time and again.

5 instances of spandex and Egyptian cotton out of 5

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD [2012]

Writer/director Lorene Scafaria continues her fascination with developing an unexpected relationship with a stranger on a road trip in the mildly depressing and thoughtful comedic drama Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World.

The film starts off pretty bumpy, as it struggles to find an even tone but becomes incredibly engaging in the second act and then stumbles off a bit near the end.  With the help from some subtle yet emotional performances from Steve Carell and Keira Knightley and a huge cast of cameos, the film becomes much better than what was originally written. 

It's not a perfect film but it's one I'd like to revisit just to welcome the characters back into my home. 

3½ loneliest instruments in the world out of 5

THORNE: SLEEPYHEAD [2010]

Edited down to 2 hours from the original trio of hour long television episodes for American distribution, author Mark Billingham's Thorne: Sleepyhead is a bit of a hit & miss, more so than it already was in it's versions.

David Morrissey works wonders with his role, never seeming like a police officer and more the criminal, while Aidan Gillen, Eddie Marsan and Natascha McElhone earn respect for their performances.  Sadly, the story is rushed, there's some ridiculous moments, crime drama cliches galore and nothing quite gels together properly.  However, it will keep you guessing right up to the end and that's what keeps you from giving up entirely.  

3 annoying voice-overs out of 5

21 JUMP STREET [2012]

Clone High creators Phil Lord & Chris Miller bring the 80's TV melodrama 21 Jump Street to the big screen and warp it into a raunchy comedy starring Jonah Hill & Channing Tatum. 

The film manages to satire both the original TV series and '80's nostalgia, while packing in a Lethal Weapon-esque punch.  Hill & Tatum are surprisingly quite good but something doesn't quite sit right as a whole.   The laughs are a little short for extended periods of time and some of the more interesting & potentially comedic character conflicts are never fully developed.  

It's not as bad as it sounds on paper but never reaches the heights it could have.  

2½ Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers out of 5

My Name Is Khan (2010)

Shah Rukh Khan plays an Indian Muslim with Asperger's syndrome. It’s told primarily in flashback. When the setting is Khan’s native India it’s fantastic. It explores his relationship with his family and offers an insight into the daily challenges the condition brings. The emotion feels real and is perfectly balanced. When it moves to America it's less successful; the political shift changes the story and it begins to resemble an Indian Forrest Gump (1994).
Ordinarily, the musical moments in Indian cinema enrich the experience, but here they're lessened to musical montages that seem out of place.
See it for Shah Rukh's performance, which is excellent as always.

3 good people / bad people out of 5

Dio: Evil or Divine - Live in NY (2005)

Live gig recorded in NY in 2002 featuring tracks that were new at the time (from Killing the Dragon) alongside the much more exciting classic tracks from the earlier Dio albums. Ronnie’s vocals are excellent, and the band is as tight as a nun’s knickers, but the picture has been utterly destroyed in post production; some fool has oversaturated the colours for dramatic effect, made the frame rate occasionally choppy, added grain and noise to the image, etc. It’s as if all the bad filters that PC video editing had back in 2002 have been used. Sound quality: 5. Picture quality: 1

3 unhappy dragons out of 5

HALLOWEEN [2007]

Getting Rob Zombie to remake John Carpenter's Halloween seemed like it might actually work, given his love for horror movies.  

The end result unfortunately isn't very good.  

Zombie sacrifices subtly building tension and smacks you right over the head with brutal violence right from the get go, which honestly wears off pretty fast.  What's interesting though, is the first half of the film in which Zombie expands upon the history of Michael Myers, would have worked had he not taken a cheap route out with the uninspiring second half.  

There's glimpses of creativity but never enough to save the film from itself.

2½ bloody bathroom stall jamborees out of 5