V/H/S/Halloween (2025)

A mixed bag in the low-budget found footage horror anthology V/H/S series, this time centering around the holiday. There is one great segment among the offerings called "Fun Size" which I was delighted was made by madman Casper Kelly, which salvaged this whole tripe for me. It's another substandard entry with one or two that rise a cut above, but it feels shallow and wasn't worth it.

None of this was worth it.

2 candy enemas out of 5

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

Evil Dead in a high-rise building. Another standalone entry in the series, this one aims to go darker places, which was never solely the charm of the original movies for me. While the Deadites are memorable, it's missing the hero at the center of it, and Bruce Campbell only has a small uncredited role as a voice on a recording. Unfortunately, this is one of those movies where the trailer ruins absolutely everything about it, so make sure to go into it blind for best results.

3 cheese graters out of 5

Weapons (2025)

At 2:17am, 17 children disappear. Told in snippets from different points of view, it's best to know nothing else going in. It's a creepy little film, full of tension and frequently hilarious. It had my whole theater laughing and screaming.

3½ cans of soup out of 5

The Long Walk (2025)

Based on Stephen King's first completed novel (as Richard Bachman), "The Long Walk" is an annual event where fifty teenage boys compete to walk the furthest in order to win a hefty cash prize and a "wish" at the end of it. The catch? If you stop walking, you die. It's a dystopian survival tale reminiscent of The Hunger Games and Squid Game where we see what lengths poor people will go for money, all for the entertainment of the wealthy and powerful.

This one is a hard sell because you're basically watching people walk for two hours and there isn't a ring in sight. It's grim and harrowing and unlikely to rouse one's spirits, but I find that refreshing somehow.

3½ final warnings out of 5

Hell House LLC: Lineage (2025)

In a departure from the first four films in the series, we abandon the found footage angle in order to tell a traditional narrative about a woman haunted by visions. Intended as the final entry in the series, all it does is leave us with more questions. Removing the action from the claustrophobic constraints of found footage quickly exposes the limited appeal of this franchise to begin with. Nothing much at all happens during the duration of this film. This is an atmospheric mood piece that goes nowhere. It's an empty, hollow experience.

½ a premise squandered out of 5

Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor (2023)

Part 4 attempts to shine a light on the origin story, but it's diminishing returns. A paranormal investigator stays at a haunted manor with possible connections to the Abaddon Hotel. They see the scariest shit imaginable and walk towards it instead of out of the house. It makes no fucking sense. And it always annoys me how no one ever reviews the footage they shot. And even when they do, they never take it seriously, so what's the point of recording everything in the first place?

2 dead ends out of 5

Hell House LLC III: Lake of Fire (2019)

By the third film, all the events have repeated to the point that there are no fresh ideas left. It's obvious what's going on because they keep reiterating the same plot points. The more these movies try to explain it, the less scary it is. We're basically just tuning in to see that clown moving its head creepily. 

The thing that annoys me the most is that these are either the bravest or dumbest motherfuckers who ever lived. They keep seeing all this unexplained phenomena captured on camera and they still refuse to take the threat seriously. They were given PLENTY of warning, so it's basically on them.

2 gateways out of 5

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel (2018)

A journalism team breaks into the Abaddon Hotel, the site of the mysterious deaths that took place 8 years ago. Like the original, it's filled with creepiness and is surprisingly effective for such a bare bones production. As long as you buy into the mythology, it'll keep your interest hooked, even though the characters themselves never seem to take the threats seriously enough.

2½ barricades out of 5

Hell House LLC (2015)

In 2009, an accident occurs at a local Halloween haunted house attraction, claiming the lives of 15 people. A documentary crew investigates the tragedy while examining video captured by the staff. If you're not a fan of found footage, this won't convert you. But if you have patience made of steel, you earn the scares. It's low tech as fuck, basically a camcorder being pointed and shot, but it's effective. That are some parts that genuinely put fear into your chest, but you're mostly cursing the stupidity of the characters the entire time.

2½ clown mannequins out of 5

A Puppet Master Halloween II (2025)

Attempting to build upon the techniques employed in the short film, this unofficial fan production manages to feel like a later entry in the Puppet Master series even though it doesn't really do anything interesting with it. It's a competent tech exercise, but about the equivalent of playing with dolls.

1 puppet movie too many out of 5

Note: The film can be viewed here for free.

A Puppet Master Halloween (2019)

This fan film demonstrates how easily these films can be reproduced using low tech methods to replicate the original designs. The result feels closer to the spirit of the original films than any of the newer films have achieved. Which just goes to show anyone can make these films. Not a lot happens here, but it's a nice proof of concept.

2 dossiers out of 5

Note: The special can be viewed here for free.

Puppet Master Revival (2022)

This feature-length fan film uses replicas of the original puppets that feels as authentically low tech as any of the actual films have captured. Unfortunately, it's so convincing at doing the real thing, that it's just as annoying as some of the worse entries, especially the stock "comic relief" character. Regardless, it's a worthy effort, laudable for what it's able to achieve on no budget at all.

1½ auctioned toys out of 5

Note: The film can be viewed here for free.

Puppet Master: Doktor Death (2022)

Intended to be the second in a series of spin-offs featuring standalone characters from the Puppet Master universe, ironically enough, this ended up being the death knell of the series. For now, anyway. This one centers on one of the characters from Retro Puppet Master, something that literally nobody asked for. The doll turns up in a nursing home facility where it starts killing off the elderly residents. It actually reminded me a lot of one of the other spin-offs from the Demonic Toys universe, Jack Attack.

1 tentpole out of 5

And now, I've finally completed this project that I began nearly 15 years ago. 

I can rest easy now. Until the next piece of shit comes along...

Blade: The Iron Cross (2020)

A new spin-off of Puppet Master that is once again set during the Nazi period, as if anyone was clamoring for that. Blade was always the coolest puppet and the face of the franchise, so this should have been a slam dunk, but it mostly suffers from the poor pacing and lack of action as the other recent films in the series. This time, a young woman becomes intrinsically linked to the puppet.

½ a chubby from all the nudity out of 5

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich (2018)

A soft "reboot" of the series attempts to recruit some B-listers to class up the joint. This is not a good film, but if you're comparing it to the ones that directly preceded it, it's a fucking work of art. It replaces the design of the puppets with worse ones, but the production value is high and there is an attempt at dark humor, even though it falls flat. It reminds me more of the attempts to reboot The Toxic Avenger or Leprechaun, which loses all of what made the originals great. Unfortunately, it makes the same mistake as Puppet Master II by making Toulon and the puppets evil, rather than the agents of good.

Plans to continue this offshoot fell through, so it reverted back to the original series and this remains just another "entry" without continuity to the next.

1½ pisses on your own head out of 5

Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre (2018)

AKA: Full Moon's Bunker of Blood: Chapter 1

A random collection of death scenes from the Puppet Master series thrown together haphazardly and slapped on with a new title to make a quick buck. It doesn't even make an effort to try and tell a cohesive story like The Legacy; it's a cheap entry that serves as a "greatest hits" package wrapped in a comic book framing device meant to evoke Creepshow. Despite the title, it doesn't just focus on the Nazi years, it covers the whole spectrum of the series. This was so awful, I went back and retroactively raised my rating on the last film.

0 dollars spent out of 5

Puppet Master: Axis Termination (2017)

It only took them 5 years later to pay off the "cliffhanger" at the end of Axis Rising (which ironically wipes the slate clean). Luckily, this is the last of the shit. Well, not really. But at least the "Axis" trilogy finally comes to a close.

These movies should be awesome. After all, it's Puppets vs. Fascists. But they are so uninspired and dull. Not only do I hate Nazis, I hate movies about Nazis. 

This trilogy makes me question why I even liked this series in the first place.

½ a vial of Re-Animator fluid

Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012)

The 10th Puppet Master entry (not counting the crossover) continues where Axis of Evil left off, somewhat. Continuity is all over the place with this series and the actors have been recast. Charles Band returns to the director's chair, which is a slight improvement, since he created this franchise. However, still no stop-motion, so the characters barely move, and it's still a boring storyline. Why they choose to only make prequels at this point is beyond me.

½ a pair of gun-tits

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (2010)

Stepping into uncharted waters, I'm now going to nut the Puppet Master films I haven't seen before. This has been a long time coming, but I'm not a fan of Full Moon's modern era. Aside from the clips cribbed from the first movie, this shit is awful and lacks all the charm of the original era. In these ones, they don't even bother making the puppets stop-motion anymore. They are all in close-ups. It's the next level of cheapness which marks a new low for this series.

Worse yet, this is only part 1 of 3, as this was devised as its own trilogy.

0 acting lessons out of 5

Scary Movie 5 (2013)

AKA: Scary MoVie

This entry attempts to "reboot" the series with a new cast and offers a mishmash of several different parodies that don't really make any cohesive narrative sense, including Paranormal Activity, Evil Dead, Mama, Black Swan, Inception, Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Fifty Shades of Grey. It's got a few clever laughs sprinkled throughout, but it's incredibly inconsistent due to an allegedly troubled production with over half the film being reshot.

2 bumping tacos montages out of 5

Scary Movie 4 (2006)

This one revolves around spoofs that include Saw, War of the Worlds, The Village and Ju-On/The Grudge. Except so little of it organically fits together. This one is easily the worst of the franchise. It feels like all the humor has been sucked out of this series. How did it fall so far from such great heights?

1 Viagra boner out of 5

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

The third in the series loses the secret weapon of the Wayans and installs the director of The Naked Gun, while lowering the rating from R to PG-13. It gets dumb in a hurry, with most of the humor coming from broad physical gags and people getting hurt. I was always disappointed how quickly it devolves into lowest common denominator humor, but watching it with fresh eyes, it has a lot going for it. As long as you don't directly compare this to the two films that preceded it, it's rather enjoyable in a way. Parodies include The Ring and Signs.

2½ cursed tapes out of 5

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

This time, the target of ridicule is haunted house and supernatural horror movies. Starting off with the best parody of The Exorcist I've ever seen, the film only gets better from there and piles on the gags. It's safe to say this won't be for the prudes or the pearl clutchers, but it's funny if you're in the mood to lighten up. Chris Elliot, David Cross and Tim Curry remain highlights.

4 strong hands out of 5

Note: The best sight gag in this movie was actually a deleted scene. (NSFW)

Scary Movie (2000)

The Wayans take on the slasher horror genre with this pitch-perfect parody that skewers its target every time. The quality of the humor in this film is so high, dirty, vulgar and sex-charged, and pushes the limits of bad taste, but it matches my sense of humor to a T. To be honest, these movies are a bit of comfort food for me because they remind me a time when I was still young and had my life ahead of me. A quarter-century later, it still holds up for me.

3½ vacuum cleaner attachments out of 5

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th (2000)

A very funny, competently made spoof film that lampoons everything from Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Halloween, Friday the 13th and everything in between. It's silly and irreverent and can be enjoyed regardless of whether you're familiar with the material or not. This film will undoubtedly be compared to Scary Movie, which came out the same year and skewers much of the same targets, but I think this one stands on its own without comparison.

3 parody movie rules out of 5

Black Phone 2 (2025)

Way to ruin a good thing. Without spoiling too much, the Grabber is now on the other end of the line. We jump ahead four years or so into the 1980s, in a story that feels very much inspired by A Nightmare on Elm Street. A girl with visions of the future and the past tries to solve a decades-old murder mystery. It all feels a bit superfluous, but at least it isn't a patent carbon copy of the original.

2½ grainy images out of 5

The Black Phone (2021)

There's a new boogeyman in town. His name is The Grabber and he abducts children. A boy finds himself alone in a locked room with a broken telephone, where he receives mysterious messages that only he can hear. It's a simple but effective horror mystery. I especially enjoyed the stark 1970s aesthetic.

3 black balloons out of 5

The Conjuring: Last Rites (2025)

The fourth and purportedly final entry in Conjuring series (we know better by now, don't we?) and 9th overall film in the franchise concerns their "famous last case" involving the Smurl haunting and an antique mirror that holds a particular significance. As always, the Warrens remain at the center of these films and it's their relationship that grounds all the other silly shit going on. This one is a bit of a marathon at 2 hours and 15 minutes, but it's an emotionally satisfying place for the series to end, even as it romanticizes certain true-life details to fit its agenda. Regardless, this stuff is fascinating to think about.

3 reflections out of 5

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Third time's not the charm in the mainline horror series (this is technically the 7th film of the franchise) centered around real life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren. After a "routine" exorcism goes wrong, the demon unknowingly possesses another person, who then goes on to commit murder. The Warrens have to prove this was indeed genuine demonic possession in order to maintain their innocence and escape the death penalty. It's a bit of a new tack for the Conjuring series, but the result is more boring than scary.

2 witch's totems out of 5

Bring Her Back (2025)

Following the death of their father, a blind girl and her teenage brother are placed in foster care and subsequently adopted by an eccentric woman (Sally Hawkins, in top form) along with an odd mute boy. I won't give anything more away, although the poster does a lot of heavy lifting. It starts out promising, gradually petering out by the end. Not as powerful as the Philippou brothers' debut feature, Talk to Me, although it sticks in your head for other reasons.

3 knife teeth out of 5

The Ugly Stepsister (2025)

AKA: Den stygge stesøsteren

A dark and twisted take on Cinderella. After a scam to marry into a rich family fails, the homely daughter of an aging widow must step up to conventional beauty standards by enduring primitive medical practices to make her suitable for a prince. It's like a depraved fairy tale version of The Substance, except with extreme medieval torture to augment its body horror. This is a movie that succeeded in nauseating me more than anything else, which is to its credit.

3½ stomach grumbles out of 5

Other (2025)

A former beauty queen returns home after her mother's death, where she's forced to face her demons of growing up in a strict household. Meanwhile, something else may be crawling in the house with her. It's surprisingly well executed, although it takes its sweet time getting there. I liked the unsettling choice to not show anyone else's face in this film besides the lead character.

2½ missing keys out of 5

Fear Street: Prom Queen (2025)

It's 1988 (as the film keeps reminding us) and Lori Granger is running for prom queen. Meanwhile, a slasher is going around knocking off all her competition.

A standalone entry in the Fear Street series that feels more like Prom Night.

½ a weak motive out of 5

The Strangers: Chapter 2 (2025)

I hate these stupid movies. Continuing where the last one left off, we follow the survivor of that film in pursuit once more. As the second in a trilogy, it serves as intermediary filler that doesn't push the story in any new direction, but merely treads water as it sets up an endgame. Reminds me an awful lot of Halloween Kills. These movies are morose, dreary and not at all fun to watch.

1 warthog out of 5

Note: The Strangers: Chapter 3 is scheduled for a tentative 2026 release.

The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

A couple find themselves on a detour to a deserted little cabin in the middle of nowhere where they are visited by an unexpected knock at the door. Sound familiar? At this point, they keep remaking the same film over and over again. Is this a prequel? A sequel? A reboot? Who knows. It's billed as the first in a new trilogy of films. Will we ever find out who "Tamara" is? Does anyone care at this point? It's really hard to get excited about the first third of a story.

1½ inhalers out of 5

The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018)

It took them a decade to come up with a sequel, by which point the original had developed into something of a cult classic. This time it's almost exactly the same plot, except now it's a four piece family unit rather than two. This is more of a straight slasher rather than the atmospheric build up of the first film. There are a couple of neat sequences that make this more memorable than your average horror fare, but it's still the same sadistic, senseless violence.

2 porch lights out of 5

The Strangers (2008)

Based on "true events" (sorta, not really), a couple return from a bad night out to an even worse night in. These movies are not particularly fun to watch, but at least it came at a time when it still felt novel. If you've seen home invasion horror like Funny Games and Vacancy, then you already know what to expect. It's a lot of tension for very little pay-off. If you enjoy watching people being terrorized by masked assailants for 85 minutes, then this is the film for you.

2½ knocks at the door out of 5

Dangerous Animals (2025)

"Killer shark" movies should be a genre all its own, although this one has a bit of a twist. Jai Courtney, aka "The Jaw" (will that stick?), plays a charter boat captain who takes tourists shark diving—yadda, yadda, yadda—people are fighting for their lives. Without giving much away, it's a survival thriller that feels derivative and improbable. I can only suspend my disbelief for so long.

2 thumbs "eh" out of 5

Coyotes (2025)

The elite are under attack in the Hollywood Hills by a pack of vicious coyotes. I appreciate that this satirical B-horror flick is not afraid to kill off the animals (which is becoming increasingly rare in mainstream film because people are too sensitive), but it's extremely uneven because there is a comedic element, but it also takes itself way too seriously at times. There is approximately one character I liked, and that was the put-upon exterminator with a bad attitude who is sick of everything. I want to see a movie centered around that guy.

1 rat infestation out of 5

Good Boy (2025)

An experimental horror movie told from the perspective of a dog sounds like a great concept in theory. It's much harder to pull off something that vests the audiences' interest. This independently produced film was shot over 400 days around a single dog and uses no CGI to augment his performance. The central conceit is a good one, but this would have worked so much better as a tightly edited short film and told the exact same story in a fraction of the runtime.

2 fox traps out of 5

Mad God (2021)

This is a very challenging movie to nut because it requires so much patience, but you have to admire it on craftsmanship alone. Phil Tippett took 30 years to make this stop-motion feature. I can't make heads or tails of it, but what this does get is style points for its grimy industrial look and dark, dystopian vision.

It's definitely a strange film. The visual animation, designs and atmosphere as a whole made the film for me, but it's dense material that is hard to penetrate.

2½ ticking time bombs out of 5

The Rule of Jenny Pen (2024)

"Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair."

An esteemed judge suffers a stroke and ends up in a nursing home where he's forced to cede control to others. One of the eldest residents rules over the others with an iron fist covered up by a hand puppet they call Jenny Pen. 

I won't prevaricate. This is low budget psychological horror headlined by two of the best, Geoffrey Rush and John Lithgow. It exploits the horrors of being invalid and at the mercy of others. It's straightforward, yet it stays with you.

3½ cognitive tests out of 5

The Home (2025)

"The enemy of old age is not death. It's boredom."

Pete Davidson's dumb face stars as a graffiti artist who's sentenced to work at a retirement home as part of his court-mandated community service (is that a thing?) where some weird shit is going on with the residents, or perhaps it's all in his head or some shit. I admit some of this stuff is creepy and appealing to me, but it wears thin quickly and Davidson is not nearly talented enough to carry this film on his own. The final 20 minutes are pretty amusing, though.

1 elderly orgy out of 5

Him (2025)

A young man grows up dreaming of becoming a legendary quarterback like his idol, Isaiah White (Marlon Wayans), and would practically sell his soul to do it. When the opportunity arises to train directly under his tutelage, he must go through brutal trials to prove himself in an increasingly hallucinatory journey where he loses his grip on reality. As someone with absolutely no interest in American football, I'm surprised this held my interest as well as it did. It's a pretty good idea that I think I admire more in concept than in execution.

2½ GOATs out of 5

I Don't Understand You (2024)

A couple of Americans on holiday in Italy literally can't understand what is being said to them, which leads to a series of misunderstandings and other weirdness, as you can guess from the poster, in this dark comedy of errors.

It's all fun and games until it starts becoming a little too ridiculous to believe.

2 CPR attempts out of 5

Krazy House (2024)

Presented as a sitcom from the early '90s (complete with laugh track), this nightmare fuel toes that same surreal line as Too Many Cooks as it quickly grows more surreal and disturbing. Watching this is like being trapped in a waking nightmare. The more of this stuff you ingested as a child, the deeper it goes. The put-upon dad endures a lot of bullshit until he finally goes off his rocker. It loses steam as it descends further into chaos, but it's a great start.

1½ crises of faith out of 5

Frankie Freako (2024)

A square guy calls a freaky party line in order to add a little spontaneity in his life. It summons a bunch of Gremlins/Ghoulies/Munchies-knockoff characters into his life. This film is amusing but unfortunately opts for a family-friendly approach in order to secure a PG rating (similar to the films they pay homage). An extremely low-budget production with hand-made puppets and practical effects. It strikes you if you're in the right mood, but it's not anything special.

From the director of Psycho Goreman, another weird retro tribute to the past.

2 Shabadoos out of 5

Scared Shitless (2024)

I think we've reached the bottom of the barrel. Or the bowl, so to speak.

A father-son plumber team is sent to an apartment building where there's something weird flowing through the pipes that's killing off all the residents.

It's a perfectly average horror comedy that doesn't do much to separate itself from the rest of the impacted shit, but it doesn't overstay its welcome either.

2 toilet graboids out of 5

Glorious (2022)

A man at the end of his rope finds himself alone in a rest stop bathroom stall with a talking glory hole. Oh, you're listening now, aren't you? Trust me when I say it's a lot better than it sounds, although it's a bit of a bait and switch. The Lovecraftian influence soon becomes very clear and it gets weird in a hurry.

As far as movies set entirely in a restroom, I think Stalled slightly edges it out.

2½ offerings out of 5

Exit 8 (2025)

Adaptation of the Japanese horror walking simulator, The Exit 8, about a man who is trapped in a seemingly endless metro station passage, trying to find a way out. It follows the game so faithfully, you'd swear you were watching a walkthrough of it, while effectively building upon the mythology. It goes without saying to play the game first because massive spoilers are ahead.

3½ anomalies out of 5