Regretting You (2025)

The type of unrealistic tween romance fodder where everyone does the right thing and everything seemingly works out for the best. It involves young love, affairs, betrayal, and of course a tragedy at the center of it. All of it feels so telegraphed and everyone says exactly how they feel, so you know it's only a matter of time before it's all resolved. But people love this light romantic fluff because it makes them feel better about their own thoughtless existence.

1 watermelon jolly rancher out of 5

Black Phone 2 (2025)

Way to ruin a good thing. Without spoiling too much, the Grabber is now on the other end of the line. We jump ahead four years or so into the 1980s, in a story that feels very much inspired by A Nightmare on Elm Street. A girl with visions of the future and the past tries to solve a decades-old murder mystery. It all feels a bit superfluous, but at least it isn't a patent carbon copy of the original.

2½ grainy images out of 5

The Black Phone (2021)

There's a new boogeyman in town. His name is The Grabber and he abducts children. A boy finds himself alone in a locked room with a broken telephone, where he receives mysterious messages that only he can hear. It's a simple but effective horror mystery. I especially enjoyed the stark 1970s aesthetic.

3 black balloons out of 5

Monster Summer (2024)

A group of kids team up with a grizzled retired detective to try and figure out the secret of one of the inhabitants of a small island town who is draining the life out of children. It evokes a sense of nostalgia of family films from the '80s and '90s, mostly by being set in that time period. But it's still a pale imitation.

1½ kids from The Sandlot out of 5

How to Train Your Dragon (2025)

DreamWorks decides to try their hand at the recent Disney phenomena of remaking all their animated hits. The premise remains unchanged: A Viking village is under attack from dragons. A boy is hungry to prove his worth. He manages to capture and befriend an injured dragon and realizes they're both misunderstood in their own way, etc. It worked the first time, so it stands to reason it would have the same effect, except less so, because it's no longer novel. Luckily, it manages to be faithful enough that it doesn't piss anyone off.

There are a number of reasons why this turned out so well. Dean DeBlois (director of the originals) adapts his own material, Gerard Butler inhabits the same role (and looks perfect doing so) and Toothless's CGI design remains essentially unchanged. Not to mention, we still have the same powerful musical score from John Powell which gives it all its heart. The whole thing feels very recursive (what's next, an animated version of the live-action remake?) and pointless if you've already seen the original since it doesn't offer much else except another bite of the apple, with a bit of added fluff.

It mostly works because, well, who doesn't dream of having their own dragon?

3 prosthetic fins out of 5