The Garfield Movie (2024)

As a kid, I used to read Garfield comics religiously (along with Peanuts and Calvin & Hobbes), but besides the '80s cartoon and TV specials, none of the recent efforts to revive the character have ever seemed to get it right. I feel like they sanded down the edges here and made him as innocuous and dull as possible. All the cutesy-eye kitten stuff was okay, but besides the brief montage of him growing up, we don't really get to see too much of the true Garfield personality. It also really bothered me that Jon Arbuckle was so estranged from the events of this film, since he's always been a big part of why the comics worked for me. Instead, we're given this weird father-son dynamic that never existed in the comics and now appears to be a permanent staple of this reboot. I mean, I realize it's a family movie designed to appeal to kids, so I'm no longer the target audience. But that just makes me feel so fucking old and obsolete when I think back to all those countless hours I spent invested in those comics and televised adventures, only for them to reinvent the mythos and throw out the "canon."

Also, I don't know what voice Chris Pratt was trying to do here, but this wasn't it. And hiring Samuel L. Jackson to play his pop is just really weird. Even Odie's characterization seemed to be off, but whatever. I don't know why I'm investing so much of myself into this dumb shit. It's just a bummer all around.

1½ milk heists out of 5

Harold and the Purple Crayon (2024)

Harold is a boy who lives inside of a children's book, who uses a purple crayon to create things out of thin air. When he grows up, and the narration has stopped, he decides to leave the storybook world in order to seek out his creator, where his idealistic views bump up against the harsh realities of life.

Zachary Levi seems to get a lot of hate lately, but I've always thought he was one of those comedic actors who deserved meatier roles, like Ryan Reynolds. I'm sure this joke has been made before, but the character of Harold felt very two-dimensional. Library Gary (Jemaine Clement) was the real highlight here as the failed fantasy writer who is jealous of Harold's abilities. 

I thought the film was serviceable; very much a watered-down family film where no one gets hurt and a moral neatly wrapped up in a bow at the end.

2 spider-flies out of 5

IF (2024)

Bea is a 12-year-old girl going through a rough time in life who begins to see the imaginary friends (IFs) of the kids who have outgrown them and left them behind. I thought this movie was adorable. Made me sad for many reasons, but it was very sweet and had its heart in the right place. Reminded me a bit of Spirited (also with Ryan Reynolds), mixed with Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and of course, Harvey. I feel like Cailey Fleming is going to be a huge fucking star one day. She's been great in everything I've seen her in.

There's a bit of a credit cookie at the very end for Louis Gossett Jr. (RIP), who plays Lewis, the old bear. I kept wondering the whole movie, whose IF was he?

3 invisible IFs (played by Brad Pitt) out of 5

Wonka (2023)

For a moment, life doesn't seem quite so bad...

For a moment, I kind of forgot to be sad...

I was so skeptical going into this movie. It doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it manages to capture a bit of cinematic magic, which has become increasingly rare in these cynical times. I loved all of the original music, and every time I heard strains of "Pure Imagination," tears started squirting out of my eye balls. The message is heartfelt and the film itself is vibrant and full of color. There is one sequence in particular that stands out to me and solidifies it as a prequel to the Gene Wilder classic. Timothée Chalamet's younger portrayal of Willy Wonka acts as a loving homage and I can see the two existing side by side harmoniously. Not to mention, Hugh Grant is the bestest little Oompa Loompa. Between D&D and Heretic, I feel like he's having another career renaissance.

I've been analyzing why this film appeals to me so much and there is a real deep-seated sadness that runs throughout it. It's basically about unhappy people who are desperately trying to improve their worth through magical means. Wonka's chocolate promises to take their pain away and usher them into a land of infinite possibilities where the laws of real life no longer apply. I never realized how much melancholy and pathos this story contained. But it's within that inherent framework, along with Wonka's childlike sense of wonder and eternal optimism in the face of impossible odds, that really enhances the whole experience for me (along with the 1971 film). I give it an enthusiastic:

4½ levitating hoverchocs out of 5

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

George Bailey is a man with big dreams who continually puts his plans on hold due to the unforeseen circumstances of life, while he prioritizes everyone else's needs ahead of his own, until he finally reaches the end of his rope.

Frank Capra's masterpiece about the guardian angel who watches him and steps in to interfere actually reveals a grand love story at its center. There are multiple ways you can interpret this film; the most obvious one being that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. George is imbued with a lot of thorny character traits, and he can be a bit of an asshole at times. It's Mary who's the real saint for putting up with all his crap. And Mr. Potter may be the villain of the piece, but he's also the one who ends up all alone at the end.

Anyway, it's the kind of sentimental holiday classic that will either put a fire in your heart or leave you feeling miserable and cold, but you have to admit, it's a great example of cinema. Of course, it's all fantastical bullshit; but then again, isn't that why we escape to the movies?

5 bells rung out of 5

White Christmas (1954)

The best way to view older movies is to put yourself into the mindset of older movies. This one is set shortly after World War II and tells the simple story of two song-and-dance men (played by the inimitable Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye) who team up with a couple of opportunistic women to save a small Vermont inn from closure. No need to bring your own baggage into this. The end result may seem sappy, corny or predictable to younger viewers, but it's been delighting audiences for 70 years. It's a classic Hollywood musical (made during the heyday of the 1950s), so it's unfair to set it against modern values. 

When taking it completely on its own merits for the time, it deserves full marks. They don't make films like this anymore...and that's the point. It's like stepping outside of yourself into a completely different era and there's something magical about that.

4½ busybodies out of 5

Love Actually (2003)

I have a troubled personal history with this movie going all the way back to 2003, but it is strangely irresistible, magical and charming in a way that most ensemble romantic comedies manage to fail at. I credit that to Richard Curtis embracing the adult humor and R-rated spirit of the material, while somehow comfortably fitting into that cozy Christmas mold. The music in this film is also spectacular and manages to elevate it to new heights. While I'll never shake the pain of watching this alone for the first time (or the last), there's no denying it's become a classic at this point. I won't even try to resist anymore.

Audiences love to try and re-analyze films through the lenses of modern sensibilities and criticize some of its choices for being "tone-deaf" at the time, but that's just a lazy cop-out. It's aged remarkably well and has only gotten better in time. There's only one storyline in this film which I find abhorrent (it's not the one you think), and that's the only reason why I docked it half a star. It's an absolutely perfect romantic comedy aside from it. 

4½ hand-made signs out of 5

Last Christmas (2019)

Emilia Clarke stars as a disillusioned "elf" who works at a year-round Christmas shop, and falls for the perfect man, who rides his bike everywhere and volunteers at a homeless shelter. This is a very predictable movie, but only if you know the song inside and out. That doesn't mean it isn't effective. Emotionally manipulative, sure, but it still managed to stir those long dormant feelings within me. This is one of those movies I wouldn't accept any other time of year, but since it's Christmas, I'm feeling charitable.

3 Wham!s out of 5

Lethal Weapon (1987)

While some might prefer Die Hard around the holidays, I was always more of a Lethal Weapon kind of guy. A suicidal cop with no fucks left to give is teamed up with a straitlaced, by-the-books detective and it creates buddy comedy magic. Mel Gibson and Danny Glover were on top of the world here and their enthusiasm for the material is contagious, while director Richard Donner keeps the action moving along at a good clip. Nobody ever talks about the fact that it's also a Christmas movie. I'll get around to nutting the sequels another time.

4 "I'm too old for this shit" out of 5

Deadly Games (1989)

AKA: 3615 code Père Noël

AKA: Dial Code Santa Claus

AKA: Game Over

AKA: Hide and Freak

AKA: Make up your fucking mind already!

A boy questioning the existence of Santa decides to try and catch him in the act. What he captures instead is a vagrant in a Santa suit with ill intent. Now he must protect his home and his grandpa from harm. This set-up is basically the blueprint for Home Alone. So much so, that the director tried suing the makers of that film for plagiarism. However, this one stands on its own as a modest budget action-horror flick with a very peculiar eye for style. What I found most interesting was how expansive that house was and how many rooms it contained. The sets just seemed to go on and on.

3½ hidden passages out of 5

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)

Christmas has had its share of gritty slasher flicks, including Christmas Evil and Silent Night, Deadly Night, inspired by the '80s craze of Halloween and Friday the 13th (not to mention, Black Christmas). This is yet another one to add onto the pile. Not much to differentiate it from the genre; in this one, it's the Santas who are being targeted (refreshingly, the women are mostly spared). A sleazy, low-budget offering, but its abundance of T&A is my XXXmas gift to myself.

2 London Dungeons out of 5

Christmas Evil (1980)

AKA: Terror in Toyland

AKA: You Better Watch Out

A mentally scarred man obsessed with Christmas has one bad day too many that finally pushes him off his rocker to inhabit the role of Santa himself, where he dishes out his own moral judgments and punishes the wicked. This movie is so darkly over the top, it actually manages to be hilarious. I like this one a lot; it's a fascinating character study into the mind of a severely lonely type, which instantly makes it more interesting than most movies of this ilk.

3½ naughty lists out of 5

Black Christmas (1974)

AKA: Silent Night, Evil Night

In terms of holiday horror movies, this one stands at the pantheon. Before John Carpenter brought us Halloween, Bob Clark (not one to confine himself within one genre) gifted us Black Christmas and helped to define the slasher genre as we know it. Taking on a whodunnit angle, a group of sorority girls are stalked by an unknown assailant over the Christmas season. What I love about this film is that it truly feels grim and morbid; there is not a whole lot of 'holiday cheer' that can be bled dry from this. You'd never know this was from the same guy who would go on to bring us the perennial family favorite, A Christmas Story.

One of the rare cult horror films not to warrant a sequel, but it was followed up by two shitty remakes in 2006 and 2019, so I guess it all balances out.

3½ obscene phone calls out of 5

It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown (1992)

This special is not as well known as A Charlie Brown Christmas, but in some ways, it lends itself more to rewatchability. A series of vignettes taken directly from the original comic strips, it showcases the brilliance of the witty four-panel structure very well. Storylines include selling wreaths door-to-door, Charlie Brown needing to raise money to buy a girl some gloves, and many of the Peanuts cast taking part in a Christmas play. Although it's not as well-regarded, it deserves to be watched in tandem with the original.

4 Harold Angels out of 5

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022)

Peter Quill is feeling blue around the holidays, so Drax and Mantis decide to cheer him up by kidnapping Kevin Bacon from Earth. This movie is so much fun and embraces all of what makes Guardians of the Galaxy special and stand out from the rest of the stale, well-treaded superhero fare. It has a simple joyous quality about it, and Drax and Mantis remain my two favorite lovable weirdos at the heart of this franchise. It wedges nicely between Guardians 2 and 3 and provides a nice reprieve from the cynical Marvel machine which only serves to set-up future tentpoles. This is one that can easily be enjoyed without much foreknowledge of the MCU. I also like that they had fun building off the Star Wars Holiday Special, which this clearly pokes fun at with its animated Yondu flashback sequence. Enormously maudlin but oh-so-charming, it celebrates the humor and the characters at the heart of it. At a tightly-paced 40 minutes, it's the perfect length for this type of throwback Christmas special, which makes it easy to revisit year after year.

4½ swirly red-and-white curly men out of 5