The Omen (1976)

The film that single-handedly caused kids named Damien to get bullied at school, the Omen is a 1970’s suspense/horror film that relies on mood and pace to elicit an eerie sense of dread in the viewer. Gregory Peck is utterly believable as the Senator with an evil little shit for a son.
Throw in horror convention, a creepy nanny, a house that lacks life and a biblical poem and you have a classic that looks dated but still manages to shock and entertain. Goldsmith's score adds an extra layer of eerie.

4 kitchen utensils out of 5

Che: Part One (2008)

People are afraid to criticise political films in case they’re accused of being unsympathetic or biased. I care not. The truth is, as a film experience Che fails to present a satisfying linear narrative. It feels like a collection of moments in time stitched arbitrarily together. It’s both an incomplete history lesson that teaches almost nothing about the revolution and a biopic that fails to present its protagonist in an interesting manner. I was left not caring about either aspect and lost interest quickly.

2½ beards, cigars and man-hugs out of 5

THE EVES [2011]

What a gargantuas piece of shit.

There's the sensitive pretty girl.  The boring nice guy.  The pervert douchebag.  The sexy cold bitch.  The quiet nerdy guy. The ditzy boob-bouncing blond.  The wacky idiot.  ...and they're all white.

They have camping gear and lots of beer, so naturally their vehicle breaks down in the middle of nowhere and---...you get the rest.

The small leaves stamp on the poster means shit all.  SHIT ALL.  

½ mine eyes out of 5

WELCOME TO THE RILEYS [2010]

Director Jake Scott (son of Ridley & nephew of Tony) takes us into the dreary world of a post-Katrina New Orleans in Welcome To The Rileys.

In this quiet character driven drama a broken father attempts to heal the wounds left by his daughter's death by fathering a troubled teenage prostitute.  I don't think this would ever happen in real life without violence or hostility but it's an interesting premise none the less.  The subtly slow character reveals and wonderful performances from all three leads help the viewer the believe in the situation.  

3½ waffle men out of 5

THE OTHER F WORD [2011]

What happens when you live against authority only to become an authority figure yourself?

Punk rock fathers are the subject of The Other F Word.  It goes deep into conversation with members of Pennywise, Black Flag, Devo, blink-182, The Vandals and many more, covering touchy subjects such as their own abusive or non-existant dads, to struggling to be a good parent while juggling a music career on the road. It's funny, thoughtful, grounding and packs an emotional punch I wasn't prepared for.  I never wanted to see these guys get teary eyed or choked up...but by the end I respected them all that much more.

3½ games of catch the dirty diaper out of 5

Let the Right One In (2008)

Aka: Låt den Rätte Komma In

Slow and moody horror from Sweden that’s unlike anything I’d ever encountered before. Young Oskar, a troubled 12 year old boy, forms a friendship with a neighbouring girl his own age or thereabouts. Her influence helps his situation. His fascination helps her in other ways.
It’s an intelligent dark fairytale grounded in real life and it’s beautiful from beginning to end. It credits the audience with the ability to work things out for themselves and is all the better for it.
The two young leads are simply amazing.

5 -... .-.. --- --- -..   .- -. -..   ... -. --- .-- out of 5

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

The promise of the Venom symbiote entering the Spidey world got fans in a fap-tizzy prior to the release of film number three, myself included, but it's a huge disappointment. It appears from nowhere and has no motivation. Elsewhere some new characters are similarly devoid of back-story to leave more time for lengthy action scenes that'll please the action junkie or your twelve-year-old niece. Peter has some excellent scenes in a film that almost got the square button half-way through.

2 pills for Jameson out of 5

Spider-Man 2.1 (2004)

The first of the Spidey sequels strives to be more mature and less comic-booky in approach. Peter is dealing with his emotions in the aftermath of the first film. His movements while in costume are confident. His life out of costume is complicated. It's a more engaging story. The baddie is menacing while retaining a certain amount of relatable, human flaws. Even ninety percent of the action sequences are good times. And best of all there's less needy-whore Mary Jane. Director Raimi has fun with a hospital scene that'll have Evil Dead fans smiling and clapping with one hand.

4 sticky wrists out of 5

Spider-Man (2002)

High school science nerd by day, costumed superhero without pockets by night, Peter Parker has the worst of both worlds. The balance of action and characterisation could be better, but it's still damn good fun.
Casting is the biggest problem. Tobey Maguire is good as Peter, and J. K. Simmons is the perfect personification of J. Jonah Jameson, but the rest of the cast are either simmering just above average or downright irritating. If viewed as an essential set-up for the next film, it's easier to forgive its flaws.

3 reasons I'd let that bitch fall out of 5

Forming Game (2008)

An animated short that blew me away the first time I saw it. It’s an abstract montage of sound and shapes dancing on a screen in perfect harmony. Together they suggest form and function without explicitly settling on any one thing. It’s hard to put into words. If you enjoy it, watch the making of feature for an even deeper appreciation of the creative process.

5 dreams from a box out of 5

THE LAST AIRBENDER [2010]

After a slew of box office flops that were critically panned as well, it makes me wonder how writer/director M. Night Shyamalan ever got the gig of adapting the Nickelodeon cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender into a big budget feature film.

You would have thought the producers would have at least watched over the entire production making sure Shyamalan doesn't fuck up.  Apparently they didn't, because did he ever fuck up.  

He void the story of any sort of soul, personality or fun.  Instead it's a boring, yet flashy, mess that's riddled with horrible acting and dialogue.  

1 I fell asleep for 20 minutes....did I miss anything good? out of 5

OPERATION: ENDGAME [2010]

A fantastic ensemble cast makes up the comically and ridiculously violent thriller Operation: Endgame.

Sadly that's about all this film has going for it, as each and every single character is despicable and once the plot starts it never really develops into much.

One thing I found fun, despite what the poster art depicts, there's only one gun in the entire film and it's not loaded.  Each character is hilariously killed by something you'd find at an Office Depot.  

2½ footprints of blood out of 5

THE HAPPENING [2008]

M. Night Shyamalan's crafted some well-made B-movies since The Sixth Sense but it wasn't until The Happening that the "joke" wore off.

The viewer is assaulted with bad acting, writing, direction and so many bad bumps and flaws in the pacing it's embarrassing.  It might have greatly benefited from not being so quick to reveal itself and an ensemble cast to give it more of a "bad disaster" flick but instead we're only left to give a rat's ass about Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel.   Fuck that.  They're about as fun as watching a tree grow and do scary tree stuff....whic really isn't that scary.

1 watch out for that plant! out of 5

EASY A [2010]

The silly and predictable cinematic ode to John Hughes, Easy A is carried by Emma Stone's dryly comedic performance along with a host of great supporting characters to back her up. In fact the whole time I was thinking "this reminds me of Friends With Benefits with it's awesome supporting characters and really trivial plot".  Turns out it was the same director, Will Gluck.
It's not a complete waste of time due to some great laughs but in the end it never adds up to much and makes you wish you'd revisited the John Hughes classics instead.

2½ Homosexual comparisons to Huck Finn out of 5

LADY IN THE WATER [2006]

M. Night Shyamalan's "bedtime story" Lady In The Water is a universally panned film that I find hard not liking.  

Sure it's got an uneven plot, questionable dialogue and terribly written characters, but the mood, performances and music are great.  Shyamalan had balls to make a film like this when the big thing in mainstream cinema were manboy superheros and boy wizards.  It's nothing more than wide-eyed storytelling that serves it's purpose in entertainment.

3 giant fap-arms out of 5