LOST RIVER [2014]

Actor Ryan Gosling tries his hand at writing & directing with the surreal neo-noir piece Lost River.
It tells the tale of a small family, living in a fantastical poverty stricken midwestern neighborhood, that the rest of the world has forgotten.
The average movie-goer will be quick to compare Gosling's style to David Lynch but that'd make it apparent the viewer doesn't know Lynch.  Gosling's more akin to Nicolas Winding Refn, Harmony Korine, Derek Cianfrance and David Gordon Green, with just a few minuscule hints of Lynch surrealism.  I make these comparisons because, although it's obvious Gosling has a promising knack for film-making in the future, here he has yet to discover a distinct voice of his own.  Criticisms aside, it's actually quite an interesting film that is haunting as it is beautiful in all the right places.

3 dino-heads out of 5

MURDER PARTY [2007]

Director Jeremy Saulnier's debut Murder Party is an over-the-top comedy that is just a taste of the disturbingly violent films he would thrust upon us.
An awkward loner finds a Halloween party invitation on the sidewalk and decides to attend the mysterious soiree, foolishly unaware of the horrors that lie before him.
The movie has a difficult time smoothly bouncing back & forth between comedy and violence but still manages to make both effective.  It offers enough surprises and shocks to please the twisted movie-goer searching for something well off the beaten path.  It might take it's time picking up steam but once it does it turns into a wildly funny bloodbath that has a surprising amount of tension.

3 "art" projects out of 5

Veer-Zaara (2004)

From its poetic beginnings to its powerful ending the film tells of how a Hindustani prisoner came to be in a Pakistani jail and why he remains there for a very long time. To an onlooker his spirit may appear to have retreated, but deep down his heart is steadfast, strengthened by memories of a love that brings an unseen colour to the gray surroundings.
Each of the three main characters (the prisoner, the woman he loves, and the lawyer) carries a duty that's bigger than any single person can comfortably shoulder. The balance by which each one is measured against the other is well-maintained, enabling a situation whereby a victory for one can potentially be a victory for all, including the viewer.

4½ borders of the heart out of 5

Ju-on: The Curse (2000)

The first of the feature-length entries in the Ju-on stories, albeit a straight to video one (V-Cinema). Because I started with the later cinema release (namely The Grudge (2002)), going backwards makes it seems like a cheaper version of what followed. But don't confuse 'cheaper' with 'poor-man's', because it does just as well with what it had to work with. And while the structure is the same, the 4:3 frame makes the house feel more cramped, a situation that may be even more uncomfortable to some viewers.
Overall, the production is less refined but arguably more personal than its bigger budget siblings. Of the six segments, the fifth is the best. If you want them linear you'll have to piece it together in your head.

3 meeeooowwws out of 5

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (1979)

Even as a child I was never very fond of the first half of C. S. Lewis' Christian allegory. I'm still not. And while the static backgrounds are fine, the actual character animations are very poorly done, especially the eyes.
The second half, however, despite the same dodgy line work, I loved, and even today I feel it's the best part. It's then that the story picks up the pace and the Pevensie siblings, with their four different hair colours, are no longer required to be the main focus of the story, a task for which they aren't particularity well-suited (in the cartoon version, at least).
The script is adapted from the revised US edition of the novel, and if you're stuck with the R1 disc then you have a different voice cast than the rest of the English speaking world (except for Aslan, which is Stephen Thorne in both).

3 tools of destiny out of 5

Meteor (1979)

A disaster movie that doesn't just have a ship or a city under threat, it has the entire world! Even so, it's standard fare, except for an unexpected edge that I won't reveal. It didn't prevent the script from being predictable, but it did provide an interesting angle from which to view events.
Sean Connery is the steadfast Scot saving the world from a natural disaster. In the process he even manages to build a cultural bridge between the American/Russian divide using his legendary sex-appeal.
The recurring cutaways to the approaching meteor, a chunk of jagged rock made more ominous by a booming bass line, were silly but fun.

2½ earth-bound splinters out of 5

Zameen (2003)

It can be difficult to judge an actor's performance accurately when it's in a language you don't speak. Zameem makes it easy: the majority of the performances are patently awful. The remainder of the film appears to have taken a sympathetic approach and is equally bad. Even the songs feel like they're there solely out of obligation with nothing meaningful to add.
I appreciate that events were based on a real life incident and needed to be treated with some care, but a patriotic punch in the face has the opposite effect of what was intended if it ends up being just as much of a negative, nationalist commentary on the makers of the work as on the terrorists.

1½ background explosions out of 5

Tactical Unit: Human Nature (2009)

The third of five TV Movies set after Johnnie To's PTU (2003) is mostly Tong's story. His gambling debts are out of control and his decision to go to a loan shark was a bad one; he's now in over his head, suffocating from the need to get cash quick or lose the last shred of his dignity. The rest of the team have their own problems with gang dealings happening in scattered locations across the city. The two things eventually find a common ground.
The scenes between Tong and Sam are few but still the best, most powerful sections of the instalment, where the differences between suspecting the truth and actually knowing it are measured in honourable actions.

3 mathematics questions out of 5

The Mighty Peking Man (1977)

Let's not beat around the bush, it's a Shaw Bros rip-off of King Kong. There's an expedition to a remote area (the Himalayas) to capture a 60 foot gorilla, after which he's shipped to Hong Kong to be the star attraction in a money-making venture. The main difference is that the beast and his beauty are already the best of friends. When she's threatened he gets his hirsute tits in a tizzy and goes on a kaijū rampage that looks great but has some awful editing.
SB had a back-up plan if the creature failed to capture the attention of viewers: a bikini-clad Evelyne Kraft as a female Tarzan frolicking playfully with big cats. Yes, there's such a thing as a sexy jungle-woman subgenre.

2 hairy situations out of 5

Silent Running (1972)

Freeman Lowell (Bruce Dern) is friend to bunnies and fauna. As one of four crewmen aboard a space freighter he waits for the day when his precious cargo of plant and animal life can be returned to a dying Earth.
A world without trees and flowers is a genuinely horrifying thought, so I'm with Bruce. However, he's a sensitive type whose reactions give rise to the question: did he take his obsession much too far?
It's a sci-fi by Douglas Trumbull that overcomes a limited budget by having a strong script and a fine actor able to bring out the nuances within it.
The faithful drones that aid the humans are adorable metal friends and will stay in your thoughts long after the credits have finished rolling.

3½ house rules out of 5

THE BOY [2016]

Director William Brent Bell's The Boy is yet another scary doll movie that manages to somewhat entertain amidst it's copious amounts of silliness.
An American woman travels to England to hide from her past and takes the job as a nanny in a secluded country mansion, where she finds the child she is to take care of is actually a spooky little porcelain mannequin with nice hair.
There's many a scene that elevated my heart rate as I admired the over-used but still effective atmosphere.  Unfortunately The Boy attempts to bring several interesting themes to the table but never knows how to explore them, leaving them to pointlessly wither into nothing.  The Walking Dead's Lauren Cohan does a fantastic job holding her own, as she's spends the majority of the time acting across a dummy.  It's an admirable attempt to be more than it is but in the end it's nothing more than another early year horror film buried with it's other crappy peers.

2 unnerving goodnight kisses out of 5

THE PRINCESS BRIDE [1987]

Rob Reiner delivers a heavily quotable comedic fantasy/romance with The Princess Bride, based upon William Goldman's novel of the same name.
Framed around the story of a grandfather reading his grandson the novel about a dashing mysterious farmhand who must rescue the love of his life from a dastardly smug king, while running into all sorts of interesting folks & creatures along the way.
Reiner & co. do a fantastic job of balancing sweetness, silliness and adventure without ever tipping to far into any tone to become a unbalanced parody of itself.  Blessed with a wicked yet silly sense of humor, a passionate love for fantasy material and a wonderful cast that is safe for all ages.

4½ rodents of unusual size out of 5

THE FOREST [2016]

Director Jason Zada makes his feature-length debut with The Forest, a film that resembles something that should be scary but ends up falling flat on it's lifeless little face.
Natalie Dormer plays duel roles as a twin that sets out to Japan in search of her sister who went missing in the infamous Aokigahara forest, known mostly for being a popular site for an uncanny number of suicides.
It's an interesting setting (if not a wee bit insensitive to it's past) but unfortunately it doesn't do a whole to make the best of the creepy atmosphere that was handed to the film-makers on a silver platter.  There's plenty of lazy plot unfolds, sloppily written character choices and a large abundance of tired "scares" that come at all the predicted beats.
At least composer Bear McCreary's excellent end credits cue is worth sticking around for.

1 ranger station out of 5

ALLELUIA! THE DEVIL'S CARNIVAL [2015]

Director Darren Lynn Bousman returns to the colorfully outlandish horror-musical world of The Devil's Carnival in Alleluia!
The original film followed three closely connected stories, whereas this one mostly focuses on Lucifer himself looking to start a full-out war with the big prick above and his angelic cronies.
There's an interesting side-story about a angel's fall to Hell but it heavily detracts from the main narrative at hand and vice versa.  One of my slight gripes with the first film was it was too damned short and now this one runs for 15 minutes too long as it struggles to shape into a coherent story.  Still, it's a delightfully entertaining romp that will excite fans of the Repo! or the original Carnival and one should be glad anything this bizarre even exists.

3 brand new smiles out of 5

OVER THE HEDGE [2006]

DreamWorks Animation's big-screen adaptation of the nationally syndicated comic strip Over the Hedge is a safe, pleasant surprise that makes it too easy for itself to get lost in the sea of other films of it's kind.
It's about a pack of wild animals that discover their woodland home is now a park in the middle of the suburbs, forcing them to find new means of survival.
It's a breezy, light-hearted affair that offers nothing new to the table but is enough fun for the whole family to enjoy, unless you're the type constantly seeking out deep character arcs and quick-witted dialogue in your cartoons.
It's as easy to enjoy as it is to forget.

3 crazy, rabid squirrels that wants cookies out of 5

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE [2016]

DC Comics, Warner Bros. & director Zack Snyder clumsily rush into an attempt to create a comic book movie universe as large as MCU's with the overly zealous Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Broody Batsy dukes it out with frowny Supes while shadowy Wonder Woman makes her big-screen debut and in the process steals any scene she's in.
By borrowing mostly from Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, the film promises a load of unintentional silliness amongst it's seriousness and hilariously clunky dialogue that a 14-year old could write.   Then toss Snyder into the mix and you're guaranteed to go big but left wondering where all the substance got lost in something this huge.
On the plus side, there's the odd exciting moment, plenty of pretty looking visuals and in all honesty, I look forward to seeing Affleck & Irons continue as Batsy & Alfred in their inevitable stand-alone film.

2 really terrible dream sequences out of 5

Phenomena (1985)

Some filmmakers are so concerned with 'realism' in their fictional worlds that they neglect some of the more interesting aspects of what makes the medium unique. The marriage of moving picture and music can be equally powerful and affecting when being fanciful, and the work need never apologise for being that way. Argento clearly understands. I'd like to follow up that statement with nothing but more praise, but Phenomena has some stupid plotting that turns a beautiful film into something that feels like it failed to meet its own standards. It's an Argento that's probably best kept by fans on their shelf unless they're watching it alone or with other fans.

NOTE: the restored version (116 mins) includes scenes for which no English language audio exists, so they're presented as an Italian dub with Eng subs.

3 crazy thoughts out of 5

Keith (2008)

It's a high school drama that was adapted from a short story by Ron Carlson. I've not read the story but I'm guessing all the padding was in the first two thirds. The remainder of it wanted very much to be like a YA novel brought to life, but there was barely a flicker of life to be found. Neither the anarchic titular character nor the girl he sets his sights on (a regular smart, popular high school achiever) have the charisma needed to sustain viewer interest when the story can't. It's a miracle I made it to the good part, the finale. It's there that it lifts its listless head, pulls up its fighting socks and goes for the much-needed heart-punch. If that level of near-excellence could've been reached earlier and sustained longer it would maybe be a winner.

2½ anti-dates out of 5

The Roommates (1973)

Watching women of (mostly) college-age getting hit on by every male they meet in an almost sit-com manner doesn't make a good film; that the girls are themselves desperate to get laid doesn't help matters any.
The saving grace is that someone has a knife and likes to get stabby with it – hooray for summer romance with a blade. Even though the sinister turn takes a long time to surface and is weak by slasher standards it's still the most interesting aspect. Otherwise what's on offer amounts to little more than beautiful 70s fashion and eye-catching lady hips. I like both of those things in real life, but a film needs more if it's to be recommended.

2 easy virtues out of 5

Knightriders (1981)

A travelling group recreate medieval jousts but with motorcycles instead of horses. For most of the troupe it's a job, the reenactments merely surface deep. For King Billy (Ed Harris) it's something more spiritual - Billy believes!
It's a well-meaning but flawed story. The sense of danger you'd normally expect to find is inscribed subtly into the narrative, threatening a way of life more than anything else, which may leave a viewer with the feeling that there was an achievable balance that wasn't properly addressed.
It's always fun to see someone try something different, even when it's not completely successful. The highlight (the folk song scene) carries a level of sensitivity that isn't often associated with Romero; full applause for that.

3 basics remembered out of 5

Dark Star: H.R. Giger's World (2014)

A documentary that invites viewers into the Swiss artist's world and home, a retreat hidden within a protective border of trees and shadow. I've been a Giger fan since I was a teenager, so I knew I'd find something of value even if the rest was sycophantic or flat, but the film is surprisingly good.
It was filmed in the year leading up to his death. He looks worn out, as if the amazing talent he carried for so long has extracted a toll and he's merely waiting for the inevitable; even conversing seems laborious for him.
The fly on the wall moments are coupled with interviews of his many aides and slow-moving appreciations of the art, so it's for fans of the paintings not his film work, because, while Alien is featured, his other projects are either blink and you'll miss it (Dune) or mentioned/shown only briefly (Species).

3½ shelved skulls out of 5

KARLA [2006]

Orange is the New Black's Laura Prepon and Supernatural's Misha Collins star in America's TV movie-esque take on Canadian serial killers Karla Homolka & Paul Bernardo.
For those not in the know, a husband & wife team-up to kidnap, sexually abuse and murder young girls to quickly be known as the "Schoolgirl Killers" and here it's terribly retold with melodramatic inaccuracies and flat-lining dialogue.  Collins is effectively vile and intimidating as Bernardo while Prepon does well with a script that is painfully reformatted to make the cold-hearted bitch seem sympathetic.  It might be terribly crafted and holds back on the explicitly graphic sex & violence but still manages to disturb to great effect.
In the end, it's still a pretty shitty movie that seems to have no idea what really happened.

1½ not very Merry Christmas' out of 5

Umrao Jaan (2006)

It's decidedly beautiful to look at but there's a vital spark of life missing from Umrao Jaan.  In some ways the absence serves to heighten the aura of melancholy that surrounds the courtesan as she narrates the story of how she lived her life and earned her name, but any positive assumptions in that direction are outweighed by lingering misgivings that whisper 'it's not as good as it could've been.' Nevertheless, I did love the symbolism behind her placement for the telling, the poetic structure, the finery and the double-edged aspect of the sheltered brothel lifestyle.

3 blessed breaths out of 5

HAIL, CAESAR! [2016]

The Coen Brothers dazzle with their impressive cast in thee Classical Hollywood Era comedy Hail, Caesar!
Using real-life Hollywood fixer Eddie Mannix as the leading character, the story tells of the disappearance of a renown actor off the set of their latest big budget epic, all the while dissecting the behind-the-scenes buffoonery that went on to divert audience's attention from the Red Scare.
It's an incredibly authentic recreation of the Post War Hollywood era, thankfully littered with light, silly performances from all folks involved and a breezy air about it that is just off-beat enough to keep film-lovers intrigued.  However, anybody not familiar with how film studios work behind-the-scenes or of the paranoid times the story is set in, will probably find themselves bored and wondering what's with all the weird silliness afoot.
Think of it as The Coen Brothers' own thematic prequel to David Lynch's Mulholland Drive.

3½ noodle lassos out of 5

GROOVE [2000]

Writer/director Greg Harrison's debut Groove is a fast-paced love letter to the underground rave culture that exploded around the turn of the century.
Set on a single night at an illegal Bay Area rave, we follow a collection of separate participants, all of whom are running on different agendas, different drugs and most definitely different wavelengths.
At times it's funny, entertaining, touching and even wicked engaging but it never really gets too deep or explores the darker side of the subculture, making it all seem like one big ol' party of excellent euphoria.  The lighting and camera-work is incredibly impressive, considering the tight budget and a crew that are almost all new to the craft of film-making.
If you're looking to see these kids face the consequences of their reckless actions then you're in the wrong place...this is played for fun and fun only.

3 well-informed, successful drug-users out of 5

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE [2016]

One of the most intriguing parts of writer/director Dan Trachtenberg's character-driven thriller 10 Cloverfield Lane is that no one knew it existed until less than 2 months before it's release.
A very distant relative of Matt Reeves' Cloverfield film, we follow the suspenseful tale of a woman who wakes up in an underground bunker, after a car crash, to find two men with her, one of who claims he's saved her from a chemical attack on the country.
The slow-burning psychological torture in such a claustrophobic setting makes for some pretty engrossing moments that open up more questions than answers with each disturbing reveal.
Trachtenberg aims for a B-movie feel that is cleverly crafted, well-acted and manages to hit all the right buttons for anyone looking for a refreshingly simple but engaging thrill-ride.

4 Slusho machines out of 5

WATERWORLD [1995]

Director Kevin Reynold's post-apocalyptic adventure Waterworld isn't quite as bad as it's 'box office flop' title suggests.
Although the harsh truth is it isn't all that good either.
The story of a mutant drifter, who travels the submerged planet in hopes of finding dry land is pretty much a friendlier version of Mad Max with flippers.
With it's impressive sets and rousing yet overly staged action sequences the film would be a wastefully fun way to spend an hour and half...only it's nearly 2 and a half hours.  The hero isn't particularly interesting or heroic, the villain is fun but not very threatening and any other character is drowned in a watery grave of blandness.  So if they aren't spending all this lengthy running time establishing characters what the hell are they doing?  The best I can come up with is they're attempting to smooth out the wonkiness of tone and pacing.

2½ jars of dirt out of 5

Quatermass and the Pit (1967)

Routine construction work at Hobbs End unearths some unusual human-like fossils. Quatermass is eventually called and soon finds himself at loggerheads with the military. Plus, the application of scientific method in supernatural matters leaves him perturbed. Not to worry, because, while many of the FX are rubbish, there's some quality plot to keep him occupied.
Andrew Keir takes on the Professor's role. No disrespect to Brian Donlevy but Keir's more likeable and sympathetic portrayal is a lot better suited to the character in this particular instance. Overall, it feels like a really good Classic era Doctor Who episode that's been given the Hammer Studios treatment.

4 dormant faculties out of 5

Quatermass 2 (1957)

The first film (1955) must've done something right because the sequel had more than twice the budget to play with. In it, Quatermass' rocket project has been grounded and he finds himself out of the loop, so to speak, but even opposition and secrecy won't stop the stern, bossy professor (again played by Brian Donlevy) being a pain in the ass of the higher-ups. It's just as well, too, because what begins with mysterious skin burns leads the intrepid professor to uncover a terrifying threat to the entire Earth!
The locations are more elaborate and varied this time, with the scenes in the industrial plant being especially good, like something from a tense cold war thriller, but overall I enjoyed Xperiment slightly more.

3 overshots out of 5

The Quatermass Xperiment (1955)

Hammer's first of three Quatermass films hits the ground running and for the most part keeps the momentum going nicely.
Without any warning, an object from space lands in a field in England. Quatermass is quickly on the scene, getting his hands dirty (i.e. dirtier) as he tries to unravel the mystery of what's found inside.
He's not a typical 'hero' type, in fact, at times he's a downright unlikeable git, but it could be argued that if the great danger is to be averted then it needs someone with an ability to maintain a professional detachment.
Hammer didn't dabble in straight-up sci-fi often, but they proved with Xperiment [sic] that they could do it just as well as they could do horror.

3½ non-picnics out of 5