Zatoichi at Large (1972)

Ichi’s been left holding the baby more than once in the series, but never quite as literally as he is in the 23rd film. It’s a simple, reliable device to get him placed. Unfortunately, once he's there the film begins to lose focus. Certain characters get introduced and then all but disappear from the story. Others play a larger role but are too obviously underdeveloped.
What’s perhaps stranger is Dir. Mori’s technique; his occasional close quarters handling of events give it the feel of a B-Movie/exploitation flick. I like both of those things, but it didn't win me over in this instance. It's definitely not a case of over-indulgence on my part; I could watch a hundred Ichi movies with Katsu in the lead role and still want more.

2½ stones to the head out of 5

Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

Not for the first time, if you skipped the previous film in the series, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968), you’ll have the ending of it utterly spoiled by the beginning of the one that followed; i.e. Taste the Blood.
A trio of bordello regulars take their fascination for all things lecherous and ungodly to the next level, simultaneously giving Hammer the opportunity to add black magic and Satanism to their Vampire franchise. You have to give them credit for not resting on their laurels each time.
There’s an aggressive attitude to proceedings, not just in the mannerisms of the characters but in the way it’s shot and in how the Count returns from his semi-death. Lee's role is smaller than before, but it's memorable.

3½ bourgeoisie errors out of 5

The Kovak Box (2006)

Having twenty-five novels under his belt means science fiction writer David Norton is pretty pleased with himself, until his real life begins to resemble a sequel to one of his own fiction stories. He’s a human rat in a difficult maze, unable to distinguish between the stimuli and the deterrents.
The story had a lot of potential, but there’s zero chemistry between the lead actors. With the exception of David Kelly, the protagonists lack of enthusiasm means it plods along when it really ought to be racing ahead.
The clever camera-movements offering glimpses of what’s at the edge of the frame but crucial to what’s within it are praiseworthy.

3 murder ballads out of 5

Gamera vs. Viras (1968)

Space aliens fluent in the Japanese language invade Japan. Their high tech super-catch ray won’t stop the playful Gamera for long. He’s so displeased that he'll shoot fire in the vacuum of space! That's what you deserve if you're dumb enough to fashion a spaceship from the asses of five giant wasps.
Luckily, for Earth, the aliens were too busy getting outsmarted by boy scouts and a huge chunk of reused footage from all three of the previous films, otherwise they might have made best use of the fact that there wasn't enough budget to stage firing a barrage of ineffectual missiles their direction.

2 dib dib dibs out of 5

The Shaft (2001)

aka Down

Dick Maas reprises his directorial role for the American remake of De Lift, a twisted little Dutch sci-fi/horror about a killer elevator. The original was surprisingly captivating and despite the godawful dubbing, had a delightfully sick sense of humor. The American-ized retelling actually attracted a decent cast (Naomi Watts, Michael Ironside, Dan Hedaya, Ron Perlman) but the quaint little source story is transformed into an over-elaborate action film. It's sad since the first half essentially captured the same dark humor of the original.

2 bio-chips out of 5

The Last Shark (1981)

aka Great White

The popularity of Jaws spawned many imitations, and while some bear only a striking resemblance, others are bastard-ized versions of the same film. One such bastard is Enzo G. Castellari's story of a monstrous man-eating shark and a greedy politician who attempts to use its appetite to his advantage. Sound familiar? It's not the only similarity. There's also a small band of grizzled men sent to hunt it down. The actual animatronic great white is pretty effective, but its scenes are hampered down by poor use of miniatures and a heavy helping of stock footage. And any scene not involving the gory deaths of the beach-goers is rendered flat by comparison.

1 lawsuit out of 5

Untamed Heart (1993)

Marisa Tomei plays a pretty, friendly waitress who chases after love often, but in spite of her nature is never able to catch and hold onto it. She seldom sees the sweet guy with a weak heart who works as a busboy at the same diner as she does. But he notices her, every day.
There’s not much more to say. It’s mostly predictable, but that doesn't make it boring. It’s a simple, heartfelt story told beautifully. People allergic to that kind of thing will likely hate it. Alternatively, people with a heart suffering from neglect may find it's just the treat they need to nourish it.

4 walks home out of 5

Crash and Burn (1990)

C+B is only really notable for being one of two films that pretended to be a sequel to Robot Jox (1989), when in reality neither of them were. Furthermore, that shaky notability only comes into play if you’re one of the people that consider Jox to be a cult classic. If not, then C+B is derivative of every film set in an isolated station/outpost that has a killer on the loose.
In its favour, the lack of atmosphere and emptiness of the environment do help set the tone of the decaying world during a post-economic fall. Also, the stop-motion Mech is excellent, but it's only onscreen for a short time.

1 infected fap-hand out of 5

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

It's unmistakably Gilliam in its use of 2D environments on a 3D plane, and the physical sets and miniatures are spectacular, but the deplorable reliance on blue/green screen means the handmade quality and beautiful rough edges are eliminated. At those times it’s about as visually interesting as the next TV commercial trying to sell you insurance or a new car.
The story itself has a similar contrast, but it's used to better effect. The fantastical and the real exist side by side, with only one of the two states being oblivious to the other. Connecting them is the titular Doctor Parnassus, who does so for reasons that become clear as you watch.
Seeing the inside of Terry’s mind externalised and captured on film is hugely entertaining, but the CGI does an ugly job of presenting it to us.

3 sustaining stories out of 5

House of Last Things (2013)

To say that HoLT mixes Lynchian unease, Richard Kelly’s sense of displacement and the haunted feelings that Kubrick’s The Shining (1980) elicited makes it sound a hell of a lot better than it actually is, but it does include elements from all of those things. Many of the set pieces are excellent, but there’s something missing from the whole—some kind of filmic-glue that would bind them all together. Had the elusive substance been in place the end result could've been amazing.
Still, most of the cast are good. Lindsey Haun especially, as house sitter to a dwelling that witnessed a tragedy and is itself anguished by the memory. The latter aspect makes it less ‘haunted house’ and more ‘house haunted’.

3 yellow balloons out of 5

The 'Original Writer' Collection

To date, every film that's been based on or adapted from an Alan Moore character or book has more often than not upset fans of his comic works. The bottom line is they simply weren't meant to be films, so they either had to change much to succeed or lose something crucial during the transition from one medium to another. Love them or loathe them, here's what we've got:

01. From Hell (2001)
02. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
03. V for Vendetta (2005)
04. Watchmen: The Ultimate Cut (2009)
05. Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)

See also:
01. Constantine (2005)
02. The Mindscape of Alan Moore (2005)
03. Constantine (2005) game on our sister site, Nut load.
04. Alan Moore books and comics on our sister site, Nut Ink.
05. Alan Moore audio on our sister site, Nut Suite.

Gamera vs. Gyaos (1967)

Mankind does what it does best: it exploits the poor and builds roads.
Gyaos wakes after millennia and does what comes natural: it eats things.
Gamera intervenes and does what needs to be done: kaijū bad-assery!
The deductive 'science' is so much bullshit and the ultimate plan is badly thought out (poison the lure, you pricks!), but it's hard to dislike the third film, because while it begins to move closer to the kid-friendly scripts it also throws in more blood and violence. Good job, Japan. We like that.
It's much better than what the other Big G shat out that year.

2½ toy tanks out of 5

The Ouija Resurrection (2015)

aka The Ouija Experiment 2: Theatre of Death

This no-budget, no-talent production follows the meta-sequel trend as the actors promote the original film with a haunted house attraction. (dot dot dot) Moron unleashes dangerous spirit with use of ouija board. (dot dot dot) Deaths. (dot dot dot) Worst sfx I have ever seen. (dot dot dot) Not worth anyone's time.

0 people should see this out of 5

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (2002)

Based on the poster art one might misconstrue this French film for a passionate love story. And while passionate love may come into play, it is in fact a disturbing thriller. The title is a fitting representation of the story as it is segmented into a he said/she said format. The first half follows our free-spirited main character Angèlique (Audrey Tautou) as she falls hard for a married doctor who strangely never seems to return the same affection. The plot takes a real turn in the latter half as we are treated to the reality of the situation. Some may see the twist coming but it's handled in such a clever way that it doesn't matter.

3 Mr. Cats out of 5

St Trinian's 2: The Legend of Fritton's Gold (2009)

It's a new term at St Trinian's, but instead of terrorising the classroom the girls are out hunting for pirate gold. It’s a ludicrous story far removed from the scholastic concerns that you'd expect to see, but somehow slightly more entertaining because of it. You could call it a kind of history lesson, I suppose.
As before, Firth and Everett kept me from slipping into unconsciousness.

2 under studies out of 5

St Trinian's (2007)

Our reintroduction to the all-girls school is alongside rich girl Annabelle (Talulah Riley), who gets enrolled by her waste-of-space father. She’s ill at ease in an institution where the girls make moonshine in the Chemistry lab and some of the staff are on drugs.
The Minister for Education is a wanker (art imitating life?) who wants to make an example of them, so the girls have to fight for their right to party.
Unless you’re a fourteen-year-old girl (or think like one) then it's a complete washout. For adults, the allusions made to things outside the film are likely to be the most entertaining (e.g. the horny dog, Darcy).

1½ belles with (hockey) balls out of 5

Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968)

It’s been a year since the Prince of Darkness (1966) was put to rest but the townsfolk are still shaky and superstitious. A meddling monsignor, who seems to think that gold crosses grow on trees, self-appoints himself to do something about it and unsurprisingly cocks up everything for everyone.
The application of colour-edged filters was a bold idea but it seems almost arbitrary and more often than not they just look amateurish and silly. By contrast, the rooftop scenes look fantastic and the inventive way that Dracula is dispatched is highly entertaining and memorable.

2½ drinking games out of 5

Ip Man 2 (2010)

Ip wants to open a Wing Chun school in HK but meets opposition from the existing masters. Then all goes Rocky, in more than one sense of the word.
The combat that follows is more fantastical than was in the first film, which has the knock-on effect of lessening the impact of his struggle a little. On the plus side, Sammo gets in on the action this time!
Returning characters are wasted and too many others have little or no purpose for being there; Ip's wife and child may as well not exist.
The awful overdubs of English language actors makes it impossible to take them seriously, bringing the entire film down a notch. It's almost as if Yam was attempting to sabotage his own film simply to make them appear even bigger fools. Was he really not aware of how shitty they sounded?

3 foreign devils being assholes out of 5

Insignificance (1985)

A fictional situation featuring four fictionalised characters from different walks of life, all of whom you'll likely recognise even though they're never actually named. There's a professor with wild hair, a 1950s Hollywood blond bombshell, her baseball playing husband, and a U.S. senator who may ask if you are now or have ever been…

It takes place mostly in one hotel room, keeping the best parts of its origins (it's adapted from a play by Terry Johnson) and mixing them with the best parts of cinema, including cutaways, flashbacks and even some flashes forward. To connect with it you'll need to have an appreciation for all of those things and be a fan of Nic Roeg's unique shooting style.

4 unified fields out of 5

Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966)

It's the fourth of Hammer's vampire films but it begins by showing the ending of their first (1958), so if you haven't seen it consider doing so because the ending is the best part. PoD is set a decade later.
Christopher Lee returns to the Dracula role, so expectation is high, but he doesn't have much to say; and by 'much' I mean anything at all! He hisses but no words come out. It's not the handicap it may sound, because Lee's screen presence is so strong that all he needs to do is look the part and the illusion is sustained. In some areas it sacrifices logic for drama, but it's Hammer drama! I loved how when he walks across a room he goes into and out of shadow.

4 deathly pleasures out of 5

The Matrix Collection

Blending sci-fi and action better than most films that came before it (and after), The Matrix managed to sate fans of both camps. It’s a cerebral and oft-times emotional journey that works on a number of levels. Not all of the paths are worth taking, but like a great poet once taught: the difference can sometimes be difficult to discern. Click links below for individual posts:

The Trilogy:
01. The Matrix (1999)
02. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
03. The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

See also:
01. The Animatrix (2003)
02. The Matrix Revisited (2001)
03. The Matrix comics on our sister site, Nut Ink.
04. The Matrix music on our sister site, Nut Suite.
05. The Matrix games on our sister site, Nut Load.

Seventh Son (2014)

Adapted from the children's novel The Spook's Apprentice, this epic fantasy tale follows Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) as he trains a seventh son of a seventh son (Ben Barnes) in his monster-fighting ways. While fitting for such an eccentric character, Bridges muffled accent is utterly distracting. While Barnes fits the role of the over-zealous Tom Ward, his performance is somewhat stiff and bland. The master/apprentice interactions lacked a good amount of humor leaving many scenes dull. Surprisingly the CG heavy action scenes were the highlight. As the story takes place in a different realm it was fun learning some of the world's mysteries and meeting a good variety of its creatures, but overall the coming-of-age fantasy plot was pretty standard.

2 werebears out of 5

Sweet Sixteen (1983)

Jim Sotos directs this under seen slasher about promiscuous new girl Melissa (Aleisa Shirley) and the circle of death that surrounds her. The story is a pretty standard whodunnit with red herrings galore and an under-explained climax. There are plenty of '80s films like this one which are high on nudity and sex but low on comprehensive plots. This one just happens to be less than memorable. The bad transfer doesn't help it any as the night scenes are almost pitch black and the audio is very low quality. I only understood about half the dialogue but I doubt it mattered much. Slasher fans will be disappointed with the abbreviated death scenes and a real lack of drive the story holds.

1½ Chief Red herrings out of 5

Judgment Night (1993)

Out on the town for a night of debauchery turns sour when four friends cross a nasty drug dealer on the wrong side of the tracks. Despite a decent cast of up-and-comers (Jeremy Piven, Cuba Gooding Jr., Stephen Dorff) this thriller falls flat. This begins with the lackluster performance of Emilio Estevez as the lead. While his performance is high in intensity, he is remarkably outshined by antagonist Denis Leary. As a convincing sociopath, Leary spouts his lines like a man with more than a few gripes. His constant chase and unruly behavior is what keeps the suspense at a steady pace. The climax is anything but as the film ends with a soft thud.

2 wrong turns out of 5

Five Corners (1987)

1964. Martin Luther King’s famous speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial still reverberates among the populace and revolution is in the air, but for most folks in the Bronx life goes on as normal.
Serious topics are explored but they’re also genuinely funny, at least for a while. Mostly it revolves around a trio of neighbourhood friends as they struggle to be independent, and a fourth youth fresh out of prison and eager to stir up trouble. There are other characters, too, not crucial to the main plot who nevertheless add something interesting to the whole, helping define the era. The last half hour makes a huge difference to how you feel afterwards.

3 people and things out of 5

Klimt (2006)

A feverish portrait of the Austrian painter best known for his sensual works decorated with gold leaf. The golden theme is reflected in the environment often, particularly at times when frustration or inspiration is prone to hit.
Don’t expect a straightforward biopic. It’s in English, filled with oddness and trickery; almost as if a small sliver of the smoke and mirrors technique that Georges Méliès, an illusionist/filmmaker whom Klimt meets, has become the painter’s reality. The fragmented layers are like a broken looking glass reflecting different time periods, and as viewer we get to see them all.

4 concepts of beauty out of 5

Sherrybaby (2006)

The mostly blank poster gives no indication of the kind of drama you’re getting if you pick up Sherrybaby. It’s about a woman on probation desperately trying to bridge a gap between herself and her young daughter, who she's not seen for years; she craves it for reasons that extend beyond the obvious need to rekindle.
Part of the film’s narrative is communicated through actions that are subtly implied or insights that are gained from things unsaid.
Maggie Gyllenhaal’s portrayal of a struggling mother getting blocked from almost all sides by a system that’s supposed to help her is astonishing. I like her more and more each time I see her at work.

4 truthful setbacks out of 5

Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

aka Island of the Damned

The title asks a rather disturbing question that sets the mind on edge. In this little known Spanish film two tourists visiting a remote island are confronted by this unthinkable dilemma. The harrowing experience is reminiscent of Romero's Night of the Living Dead or Hitchcock's The Birds as the couple are hunted down by an ever-increasing horde of blood-thirsty children. In a shocking and somewhat unseemly opening, the film answers the why with a series of archival atrocities perpetrated against children. I found the concept of the children's influential madness fascinating. It's as if their infecting hate has a purpose.

3½ human piñatas out of 5

Nightmare Beach (1989)

aka Welcome to Spring Break

I've learned not to expect much from director Umberto Lenzi and his substandard gore films. Even so, low expectations still didn't remove the stink from this whodunnit. The film opens with a whimper as a death row prisoner vows to return before being snuffed out in the electric chair. After the onset of spring break, a mysterious biker with a penchant for electricity scours the surrounding wastelands for victims. The rest of the film is just a sorry excuse for wet t-shirt contests and thong bikinis. The only real highlight is watching two cult actors (Michael Parks and John Saxon) attempt to act with such feeble material.

½ peepholes out of 5

Mirror Mirror (1990)

Shy girl Megan takes a shine to a possessed, grabby-hands mirror.
Too often Mirror Mirror sits unimaginatively in the shadow of Carrie (1976), but when it does its own thing it fares slightly better.
The story doesn't call for a full-on spooky atmosphere a lot of the time, preferring instead to emphasise the outsider scenario.
Rainbow Harvest is well-cast as a goth chick who attracts the ire of high school bitches. Because of the costume and make-up her resemblance to Winona is even more apparent than usual, but that's not her fault.
I didn't even recognise Yvonne De Carlo until she spoke.

2½ reflective wants out of 5

The Houses October Built (2014)

Using the scenery of Halloweentime haunted house attractions, this film follows a group of friends as they travel cross-country in search of a fabled "extreme haunt" that goes beyond the boundaries in attempts to scare its patrons. While it dabbles in the form of mockumentary, it's yet another found footage with impossible camera angles and no explanation behind who pieced it together. It is no surprise that many of the scenes deal with juvenile banter as the characters all act like teenagers on spring break. The only genuine scares come from the delightfully frightening attractions along the way. When the plot is finally back on track, the team deals with harassment from select haunt actors who lead them down a dangerous trail to their intended destination. The third act's potential for suspense is squandered with an abrupt end.

1½ doll faces out of 5

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2013)

Centered around the ruins of a church in Clophill, England, this mockumentary uses mostly genuine interviews from local townsfolk to heighten the mystique around the location. If you've ever seen a single real documentary on paranormal activity or an episode of the many investigation shows that litter the airwaves then this film should hold no surprises. After all the local rumors of devil worship and black masses being held at the church, it's blatantly obvious where the plot is headed. With only a few attempts to scare the audience, the rest of the time is spent stumbling around in the dark and staring at old tombstones. I appreciate the concept of concealing the fiction beneath a veil of truth, but it makes me wonder why the filmmakers didn't just go the full monty and do a complete documentary on the location. It would have been more interesting than the farce that was produced.

1½ naked women tied to a tree out of 5

Little Witch Academia (2013)

Magical girl anime isn't really my cup of tea. LWA is a short and the music is by Michiru Oshima, so I gave it a try. After a fantastic opening it turns into what appears to be a typical witch-school setting with the usual cliques and the expected Mildred Hubble-esque girl who tries but fails. But then magic happens—the colourful kind that turns the seemingly mundane into something special and memorable. Once the fun starts, it doesn't stop.
A kickstarter campaign to fund a sequel was hugely successful; the team raised four times what they were asking! Good job.

3½ freefalls out of 5

Amityville IV: The Evil Escapes (1989)

As a teenager I had an Amity IV poster on my wall. I’d not seen the film but I liked the creepiness and had learned to equate organised religion with inherent evil, which is what the blackened priest seemed to imply. If I’d known how bad the movie was I’d probably have taken it down. That’s a crap story, you say, but it’s still better than what the film delivered.
The banging doors and bleeding walls promised much, but it went lamp shaped, literally. The evil is a possessed standing lamp. Hardly terrifying.
There are some laughs to be had at the sheer ridiculousness, though. The kid with the chainsaw deserves a comedy award.

1 black puddle out of 5

STILL ALICE [2014]

Juliane Moore's performance is at the center in the devastatingly frightening drama Still Alice, co-directed by Richard Glatzer & Wash Westmoreland.
Moore is fantastic as a wife & mother of three who begins developing Alzheimer's disease at an alarmingly young age.  It's absolutely heart-breaking to watch her mind deteriorate as her family struggles to cope with someone who was once so independent.  Thankfully there's nothing about the film that gets too melodramatic or "this is the big Oscar worthy" emotional moment and instead speaks with nothing but subtle, yet powerful, honesty.  I was taken off guard with how well Alec Baldwin & Kristen Stewart held their own against Moore's performance and without them there were several moments that wouldn't have been the same type of chemistry had it been someone else in the role.  As terrifying as it is sad, it delivers the type of story we're all familiar but not quite connected to as we should be.

4 Angels In America out of 5

JACK & THE CUCKOO CLOCK HEART [2013]

aka

Jack et la Mécanique du Coeur

A year after it's 2013 home country opening, the CGI animated fairytale Jack & The Cuckoo Clock Heart finally saw it's worldwide release.  It's co-directed and based off of art-rock act Dionysos' frontman Mathias Malzies' own novella about a boy who has his heart replaced by a cuckoo clock and in turn is burdened by an overly delicate heart that can't fall in love.
It's strikingly animated in such a way it appears more like jittery stop-motion than CGI giving it a very unique look which should attract fans of the Tim Burton and Laika animated films.  Malzies' band supplies the bizarre genre-hopping songs that never once distract from the visuals or outstay their welcome.  It's a bit of a frightening tragedy for the kids, but the Edward Gorey fans will find it to be an absolute delight.

4 Trips To The Moon out of 5

Old Enough (1984)

Boyish Lonnie (Sarah Boyd), aged eleven-and-three-quarters, is an observant kid but she’s lived a sheltered life. Her parents are well-off with plenty of coin, but Lonnie's never seen the other side of it. Karen, more streetwise and by appearances at least a year older, befriends her, making herself teacher and role model in how to be a typical teen.
It’s an interesting look at adolescence that doesn't get preachy when the girls do wrong or goof off their responsibilities, all of which are, of course, scheduled by adults. In doing so it highlights the value of nurture and likewise the positive results that experience can bring.

2½ summer lessons out of 5

Meridian (1990)

aka Meridian: Kiss of the Beast / Phantoms

An orphaned daughter, the lady of the castle, a weeping ghost in halls of diffused light and suitably gothic trappings all help give Meridian the feel of a picture-book fairytale romance painted in dark colours. It's the kind of thing that might appeal to a young, female audience, but the film isn't suitable for kids for reasons I won’t go into. It’s very much an adult spin on a Beauty and the Beast inspired tale. I'm a hopeless sucker for all things fairytale, so I watched it even though it wasn't very good. Most of the elements it needed to work are there, almost in place, but they never really gel.

2 inheritances out of 5

Permanent Record (1988)

An excellent film from Marisa Silver that I feel deserves a lot more attention than it currently gets. It co-stars Keanu Reeves, who does a version of Ted a year before he met Bill but not played as much for laughs. He and best friend David (Alan Boyce), both weeks away from high school graduation and an uncertain future, are trying to get their band into a recording studio. Chris (Keanu) tries, but mostly he takes things in his stride. David, however, is feeling the pressure, while his silent cries for help go unnoticed.
It slow burns into the story of a young guy in a situation he's unprepared for, yet aware that he need step up to the mark if anything is to be salvaged. It's simple but delivered with an acute eye for what's important.

4 hemmed responsibilities out of 5

PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR [2014]

Co-directors Eric Darnell & Simon J. Smith continue the adventures of the scene-stealing paramiliatry penguins from the popular CGI animated Madagascar series.
The lazily titled Penguins Of Madagascar follows the quartet as they attempt the thwart the plans of a psychotic octopus and his octo-minions.  It's frantic energy, rapid-fire gags and colorful characters keep you from noticing it's lack of wit and originality.  While Dreamworks' rivals Pixar might take pride in their graceful & thoughtful execution of each film, here we're treated to something more akin to Bugs Bunny or Tom & Jerry with it's ADHD like pacing.  The kids will eat this stuff up like a bag of Cheezies and it packs the same nutritional value as well but at least it keeps you nourished until the next well-balanced meal.

3 districts of Dublin, Shanghai out of 5

SUBURBAN GOTHIC [2014]

Director Richard Bates, Jr.'s sophomore effort comes in the form of a piece of shit called Suburban Gothic.
 This "zany" horror-comedy tells the tale of a lost in life twenty-something who moves back into his parent's house to discover there's angry dead folk floating around.  While leads Matthew Gray Gubler & Kat Dennings have enough personality to make them a delight to watch, the film itself is a mish-mash of unevenly timed humor, embarrassingly horrible CGI FX and moments of contrived weirdness, many of which seemed sloppily improvised.  With a pack of cameos from cult-film staples like John Waters, The Soska Sisters and Jeffrey Combs the film has it's audience built-in however they should prepare to be disappointed.

1 musical toenail out of 5

KILL THE MESSENGER [2014]

Inspired by former San Jose journalist Gary Webb's 1996 Dark Alliance news articles, Homeland director Michael Cuesta brings the reporter's story to the bigscreen in Kill The Messenger.
Because it was conveniently buried underneath the inane Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal in 1996 not many people heard about Webb exposing the CIA for importing crack cocaine into the United States.  Unlike most political thrillers like this, the film remembers there's plenty of heart in these characters and it uses this tool with great success, heavily engrossing us into this overly frustrating cover-up.  It's well acted, tightly paced, never overly preachy and supplies us with just enough facts to want to dig deeper.  Sadly, Webb, who's career and personal life was destroyed, committed suicide in 2004 by "miraculously" shooting himself in the head twice so he'll never see the film doing his work justice.  Despite rave reviews, the film was quietly released in only a handful of theaters and disappeared quickly among a flurry of summer blockbusters.

4 missing motorcycles out of 5

Flawless (2007)

The Saul Bass-esque art should clue you in on what the story is about, but what it doesn't convey is that it’s set in London during the sixties. Laura (Moore) is a capable woman under a glass ceiling, juggling business practices worth millions of pounds and striving to keep a healthy public façade. Hobbs (Caine) is a lowly cleaner, scrubbing floors on his hands and knees for minimum thanks. It's an unlikely pairing, for sure.
Environments are well-lit and beautifully decorated. Through careful timing it even manages to have us sympathising with thieves (not the ones in suits and ties). It’s a story that would work just as well as a novel as it does a film.

3 discretions out of 5

JERSEY BOYS [2014]

Director Clint Eastwood's first film of 2014 is a genre he rarely ever explored, a bigscreen adaptation of the 2005 Broadway musical, Jersey Boys.
It's the biographical rags-to-riches story of the popular 60's helium-voiced pop-rock act The Four Seasons, an era smack in the middle of the end of Sinatra and the beginning of The Beatles which most folk are not all that familiar with.  By breaking the fourth wall, the film wisely skips over the moments in the story we've all become too familiar with from other stories in these bio-films and explores some more interesting points in their career such as severe money problems and tie-ins with the mob.  It's cast to perfection with a host of relatively unknown faces, with the exception of the scene-stealing Christopher Walken who is still entertaining in even the shittiest of movies.  It's never particularly flashy or loud but it's modest enough to enjoy without ever getting particularly excited or too involved.  In short, it's a not a great film but a pleasing good one.

3 heavy safes out of 5

HOUSEBOUND [2014]

It's not often horror/comedies manage to effectively balance both genres to great effect but somehow writer/director Gerard Johnstone's feature length debut, Housebound, packs in the scares and laughs with great success.
Neighbors' Morgana O'Reilly plays an angry young woman put on house arrest at her mom's in the New Zealand countryside where she discovers there's many secrets to be revealed within the walls of the creepy old home.  It smugly inserts all the usual haunted house tropes then punches them square in the jaw with a hearty laugh and a sincere apology to keep it from becoming stale.  It's claustrophobic dizzy setting keeps the viewer on edge, so quite often you'll find your laughter is more nervous than humored which makes for a helluva good time.

3½ creepy-ass Teddy Ruxpins out of 5

The Kiss of the Vampire (1963)

Undeterred that both Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing had (temporarily) left the franchise, Hammer made a third vampire flick. It doesn't advance the formula much, but it’s still entertaining in a limited way.
A pair of naïve newlywed Brits abroad get stranded in an area that has a shady doctor and a weird guy who patrols the local graveyard at night. It’s not hard to guess which is the villain and which the saviour.
As always, it looks beautiful; the blood red gowns and candlesticks do their job. Also of note is the excellent use of music that doesn't hide in the background. It’s enough to make me forgive the rubber bats on strings.
Wiki mentions that a bloodless US version retitled Kiss of Evil once again disrespects the Studio by making cuts and adding nonsense. I've not seen it, nor do I care to, because the chances are high that it's inferior.

3 superheroine masks for the ladies out of 5

Drive: Director's Cut (1997)

Steve Wang mixes genres, creating a kind of buddy, road movie with laughs, action, sci-fi ideas and martial arts action. The latter is better than average for an English language film because it had an actual Asian choreographer and Mark Dacascos has got the skills. He’s also got an enhanced body that elevates his abilities, meaning there’s some justification for the OTT stunts.
The Dir. Cut (112 mins) adds extra minutes and reinstates the original score, booting that awful techno crap of the Theatrical Cut out the door.

3 bulletproof tables out of 5