Star Trek: TNG: All Good Things... (1994)

TNG's final TV outing connects directly to events in the show's pilot episode (Encounter at Farpoint), making everything that happened in the intervening seven years relevant to both stories. In order to fully appreciate the work, you absolutely must watch that pilot episode before watching AGT....
Central to the story is Capt Picard, whose consciousness is hopping between a number of fixed time periods like some kind of 24th century Billy Pilgrim. He's in almost every scene, but Patrick Stewart is up to the task, whether it be as a man full of confidence, of doubts, or seemingly bordering on senility.
A further benefit in connecting itself to the pilot is its ability to comment on TNG as a whole, in a way that's both reflective and contemplative.
It's sad to see a beloved show end production, but TNG's ending is perfect, drawing a knowing line under what's gone before whilst simultaneously looking ahead to the future. That duality is why I love re-watching AGT....

5 discontinuities out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Chain of Command (1992)

When Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) is sent on a covert mission, Captain Edward Jellico (Ronny Cox) assumes command of the Enterprise D in his stead. Jellico is an ass-hole who quickly pisses off everyone, but unlike the poorly written Lt. Cmdr Shelby in TBoBW (1990) he's given additional characterisation to make him more than just another one-note tool in a writer's arsenal.
The story has a second, more traditional villain operating in a setting that was heavily inspired by George Orwell's seminal Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) novel. It's a Cardassian named Gul Madred, played by David Warner. Warner had been in Trek twice before, as different characters, in ST V (1989) and ST VI (1991), but his role in TNG is arguably his most memorable; his scenes with an equally mesmerising Patrick Stewart are the primary reason that Chain of Command is a permanent fixture on many people's 'Best of TNG' lists.

4 lights out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Unification (1991)

Unification's story is another political one, with the big draw being that Ambassador Spock (Leonard Nimoy) makes his first appearance in TNG's timeline, while another important character makes their last.
Spock's scenes are some of the best parts of the work, especially the ones he shares with Picard (Patrick Stewart) and Data (Brent Spiner). In the latter case, as the two converse while working side by side to achieve the same goal we're treated to an interesting 'compare and contrast' situation: the android Data has spent much of his life wanting to be more human, while the half human/vulcan Spock has spent most of his life trying not to be.
The story references TNG's Redemption (1991) and, even further back, TOS' VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991), released in cinemas that same year.

3 ridiculous shoulder-pads out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Redemption (1991)

Note: you'll lack crucial backstory for Redemption if you've not seen a few previous episodes; i.e. Reunion and Yesterday's Enterprise (Season 4).
Marking the show's 100th episode, the story sees Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) travel to Qo'noS to oversee the installation of Gowron (Robert O'Reilly) as High Council leader, but the ceremony doesn't go unchallenged. You'll hear numerous speeches about honour and treachery, often from people who have little of the former and practice the latter. But Worf (Michael Dorn) is pretty dependable, and by that I mean also that he can be depended upon to be headstrong in his unintentional narrow-mindedness, before stepping outside himself just in time to see the bigger picture, usually after having a candid chat with someone whom he either respects or hates.

3 friendly headbutts out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: The Best of Both Worlds (1990)

Responding to a distress signal on a populated planet, the Enterprise crew suspect the Borg have been present. They confer with Starfleet who send aid in the form of Borg specialist Lt. Cmdr Shelby (Elizabeth Hannah Dennehy), an officer who's never actually met a Borg. Shelby promptly makes herself a pain-in-the-ass of everyone, especially Cmdr Riker (Jonathan Frakes), in an attempt to create tension before the shit hits the fan for real.
It's essentially a war on three fronts: large scale (ship to ship); smaller scale (inside the Enterprise); and deeply personal (to retain a sense of self).
The Borg's cube ship is iconic, simple but imposing in its lack of aesthetic concerns, built solely for efficiency and functionally; and with a cube being a shape alien in the natural world it seems to scream defiance in every way.

4 magnetic resonance traces out of 5

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

The opening scene of Dir. Philip Kaufman's version of author Jack Finney's 1954 body snatchers story sets a weird tone. The subsequent move to San Francisco, to focus on the part of the world around us that many city folk take for granted and/or see but barely acknowledge is less trippy but it keeps the feeling of unease. One might expect the Noir-esque visuals, the disorientating camerawork and the eerie sound effects and music to clash, but they too function as one, supporting the feeling that things are working on a number of thematic levels, with the personal and political being the most obvious.
Kaufman captures well the foreboding notion that the central characters are being watched from off-screen by unknown eyes. There's an astonishingly creepy FX scene near the end, but the film loses momentum thereafter.

3½ cross pollinations out of 5

The 3 Worlds of Gulliver (1960)

Based on Jonathan Swift's famous Gulliver's Travels (1726) novel, the three worlds of the title refer to Gulliver's (Kerwin Mathews) own and just two others, Lilliput and Brobdingnag. If you've read the book, you'll know that it had more worlds thereafter, but the two chosen do at least keep the opposites theme that Swift's adventure relied heavily upon; likewise in their defining traits, with the Lilliputians being complicated and the Brobdingnagians naïve and simplistic. The themes of the novel are lessened but not excised and those that remain are integrated well enough, with Gulliver's observations criticising societal attitudes more often than they do specific individuals.
The things that might not be suitable for children have been altered, as has the ending, opting instead for an ambiguity that I wasn't particularly fond of.

2½ wrong rights out of 5

The Boy and the Beast (2015)

Shaken by a recent tragedy, nine-year-old runaway Ren ends up lost and alone, confused and angry on the streets of Tokyo. More than that, although maybe not aware of it at the time, he's in need of a parental figure to look up to. When he encounters Kumatetsu, a resident of the Beast Kingdom in search of a disciple to train, Ren’s hunger and curiosity get the better of him.
Dir. Mamoru Hosoda's film is a coming-of-age tale in an unusual guise, that being it's set mostly in a world that's populated by anthropomorphic beasts.
It took me a long time to warm to it, but its exploration of what constitutes 'strength' in the eyes of others and oneself, and showing how differences can be celebrated and learned from won me over eventually. If it had achieved the same in a lesser time, I'd have liked it more. As is, it felt too long.

3 dishrags out of 5

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961)

Scientific genius Admiral Harriman Nelson's Seaview super-sub is conducting trials in the frozen Arctic when an Irwin Allen disaster situation rears its movie-plot head, forcing the admiral to change his plans. In a reversal of expectations the sub becomes one of the few places that isn't under great threat. Furthermore, it may be the one thing that's capable of saving the day!
At its best it has a jolly Saturday morning TV adventure feeling about it, but it's one that's stretched a little thin, and besides Walter Pidgeon and Peter Lorre the movie doesn't have the same calibre of actors to keep things interesting that some of Irwin's other disaster flicks have. There's a clever lure that may keep a viewer seated until the story's end, but don't get your hopes up for anything tremendously memorable, because it really isn't there.

2½ temperature readings out of 5

Battlefield Earth (2000)

aka Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Given BE's shitty reputation I expected bad acting or incompetent editing, but what struck me as the worst aspect was the direction! Bloody hell, the word 'amateur' doesn’t apply — it could aspire to that — it's downright atrocious. The majority of the film is shot in canted angles, which makes no rational sense, adding nothing of value to the story. If I'd not been viewing it in a 2.35:1 ratio (on DVD, bought for 10p sealed from a charity shop) I'd have thought there were shenanigans afoot because the blundering CUs make it look like an unwatchable 'zoomed-in to avoid copyright detection' video on YouTube. Oh, and yes, the editing and acting, especially Travolta, are mostly awful, too. Even the 'so bad it's good' category has standards, which BE didn't meet.

0 rat meals out of 5

N. a Pris les Dés... (1971)

aka N. Took the Dice

Music lovers will probably be familiar with the concept of a remix. Alain Robbe-Grillet did something similar with his L'éden et Après (1970) film. Constructed from outtakes, alternate and unused footage, N. a Pris les Dés... is essentially the same story but from a different character's perspective. It comments on its own design, how in scripted drama one thing follows another thing according to a set of rules. Then, equated to a dice roll, it arranges itself in a less straightforward manner. More than just a professed justification for being non-linear, it develops meaning through repetition and reinvention, unified by self-analysis and its relationship to the original film. The bizarre soundtrack helps the imagery gel, but as a narrative in its own right it may confound. As a companion to L'éden et Après, however, it's effective.

3½ stolen gazes out of 5

Fantastic Voyage (1966)

The story concerns a five-man team who get shrunk to the size of a microbe and injected into the body of a comatose subject in order to perform surgery deep inside the sleeping victim. The contrast between inside and outside the body, between trippy 60s visuals and militaristic ones is amusing, but the lack of atmosphere and immediacy in either environment is a handicap.
The location-specific problems and solutions are sometimes well-placed, but when it attempts some philosophy it succeeds mostly in grinding the plot to a standstill. I enjoyed the film as a kid but not so much as an adult. Now I loved only the opening credits and the teasing cold-war vibes of the beginning.

2½ unknown factors out of 5

Street Hawk: The Movie (1985)

A pilot for a short-lived TV series about motorcycle-cop Jesse Mach (Rex Smith), a man with a "test pilot mentality" who gets injured in the line of duty but finds new purpose as a well-funded anonymous do-gooder named Street Hawk! The bike can reach speeds of 300 mph, which, on public roads is as ridiculous (or as amazing) as it sounds. The action is packed with clichés, including tons of empty cardboard boxes on side streets that cars scatter dramatically as they roar through them in hot pursuit of speeding bad guys. While not as good as the 12 episode series that ultimately followed, if you're a fan of 80s stuff you may have some limited fun. It won't take up much of your time; despite being called 'The Movie' it's only about 70 minutes long.

2 vertical lifts out of 5

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)

We're told that the US Navy submarine on which leading man Kenneth Tobey operates is "man's greatest weapon of the seas", so naturally in the depths there exists something more destructive: a hungry cephalopod, giant size.
The scientist phase of the story is paired with the romance sub-plot, but the real treasure is the 'It' of the title. It's not until near fifty minutes have passed that we get a first real glimpse of the creature. When it returns later to lay waste to a famous landmark — because the law of giant monsters states that non-famous ones aren't worth bothering about — it steals the show! Or rather, its animator Ray Harryhausen does. To be frank, the non-creature parts of the film are okay, but the many-tentacled terror is the high-point. It's by far the best stop-motion animated octopus that I've personally ever seen.

3 closed beaches out of 5

Police Story: Lockdown (2013)

aka Police Story 2013

Another reboot of the Police Story series, with Jackie Chan once again playing a different cop. It begins with a situation that's even more grim than before, then jumps back to show how events got to that point in time. Within that jump are further flashbacks showing how events got to that earlier point in time. It's less confusing than it may sound when written down, but the structure is perhaps the least of the film's problems because they do at least add depth to the principals, sometimes even putting a new spin on how we view them.
It's set largely in one cluttered location, but, alas, it's not an interesting one. To its credit it has a very different feeling than the previous film, but the Michael Bay car chase and South Korean-esque final third feel forced.

2½ calm talks out of 5

Death Race 2050 (2017)

aka Roger Corman's Death Race 2050

A sequel to Death Race 2000 (1975). The main objective seems to once again be satirical commentary on the political, social and cultural state of America, with emphasis on news and media entertainment. Story for the colourful racers takes a back seat; the returning Frankenstein character (originally David Carradine, now Manu Bennett) gets the most attention, though it's still pretty meagre. The others get mostly rivalries. The flip-side of OTT characters is their being irksome, but none of them exasperate too much.
Overall, it lacks the era-specific charm of the 70s original, but its blackly humorous attacks on the class system, deforestation, racial and religious issues, etc, is entertaining - provided you liked the previous film.

2½ proxies out of 5

Father Christmas (1991)

The answer to what Father Christmas does with the 360+ days of the year that he isn't working comes courtesy of another Raymond Briggs adaptation.
The red-nosed gift-giver sounds remarkably like comedian Mel Smith (because it is) and lives in England, which was news to me. We witness him holidaying in Europe and America, indulging his passions at the expense of his suffering wallet. His antics make him somewhat relatable, but he's too much of a complainer to actually like very much. It has a slight connection to The Snowman (1982), but it isn't in the same league. And while the character designs are similar, the animation is less pencil-esque pretty than the other.

2½ bloomin trots of 5

The Snowman (1982)

Based on Raymond Briggs' picture book (1978) of the same name, the beautifully hand-drawn frame animation The Snowman has become a British national treasure over the years. My version has David Bowie trying to fool viewers into believing that he was the kid who went on a magical moonlit adventure; if that's true, why was he opening James Brighton's present?
I love how the snowman is as awed by the peculiar world of man as much as the kid is awed by the walking snowman, and I love how music takes the place of words. Only once is there lyrics, a single song that's come to define the entire production. It's used during the scene that's referenced and parodied most, but in tandem they capture the magic of youth superbly. But for me it's the animation's memorable ending that really makes it special.

3½ chilled revellers out of 5

Tsotsi (2005)

Tsotsi (Presley Chweneyagae) is an opportunist gangster who lives in a Johannesburg slum. An impromptu nighttime carjacking is a doorway to great change for the thug, unearthing a streak of compassion that results in some truly believable human emotions played out onscreen, supported by flashbacks to hardship that give a deeper insight into his state of mind.
A woman named Miriam (Terry Pheto) adds a welcome sensitivity to the story, a point of contrast that is itself shaped by poverty and personal struggle.
The setting, the doleful but comforting voice of Vusi Mahlasela, the contextual skies, and the inner-struggles of not just the primaries but some of the more interesting secondary characters each make Dir. Gavin Hood's film an absolute joy to experience. If you've access to the alternate endings, give them a look because some are as good as what was ultimately chosen.

4 environmental triggers out of 5

The Story of Yonosuke (2013)

aka A Story of Yonosuke

Yonosuke Yokomichi (Kengo Kora) travels from Nagasaki to Tokyo to study at the city's university. He's a little shy, slightly naïve and subjectively strange, but he makes friends easily, sometimes without even trying.
In later years the people that Yonosuke met reflect on the time spent with him, appreciating how he touched and enriched each of their lives in a unique way. In service of that the story jumps back and forth in time to show how an event in the past shapes the future (i.e. the present); a mature understanding of how time seasons those kinds of memories will increase your enjoyment. It's a beautiful idea, overall, but the result is a little underwhelming at times.

2½ sambas out of 5

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

A film about a bank heist that doesn't go to plan probably won't seem like much of an original concept to a modern audience weaned on QT, but Dog Day Afternoon sells itself as being true, which is unusual. I've no idea whether it's as factual as it claims to be, but it's an enjoyable journey, nevertheless.
Al Pacino's rifle-wielding character is a kind of likeable rogue that somehow manages to turn amateur hour at the bank into a public media extravaganza, morphing a desperate hostage situation into one that highlights a number of social problems. His partner in crime (John Cazale) is more reserved but leaves a dent all of his own in viewer sympathies. Things increase at length, but Dir.  Sidney Lumet's no-frills approach keeps the heart of the story to the fore.

3½ state-employed con-men out of 5

Ghosts of the Abyss (2003)

Dir. James Cameron descends to the bottom of the North Atlantic ocean to explore the actual RMS Titanic that still lies on the seabed. The filmmaker appears onscreen from time to time, but mostly it falls to actor Bill Paxton to provide narration and observations, tasks for which he’s not particularly well-suited. And even though an archaeologist, microbiologist, and historian were present there's not much scientific input from any of them.
The newly-captured footage of the wreckage, the aspect of the film that is arguably its most amazing feature, is presented in small boxes, like Picture-in-Picture, for reasons that I don't understand. Ultimately, the many poor decisions regarding the construction of the film itself mean a potentially interesting venture is instead an expensive missed opportunity.

2 choppy waters out of 5

Mona Lisa (1986)

A noir-esque drama in which Londoner George (Bob Hoskins) gets out of prison after a seven year stretch and finds employment as a driver for a high-class call girl, bringing her to classy restaurants and stylish hotels to meet with rich clients. Initially at each other's throats, the duo's bickering succeeds in cutting through their exteriors, exposing the vulnerable realities underneath.
Like in most noirs an involvement with the female lead's wants and/or needs gets the male protagonist into hot water; here it involves George scouring the seedier ends of town on a personal mission for call girl Simone (Cathy Tyson), who's posh on the surface but common as shit below. The acting of both principals is first-rate, and is arguably what makes the film as good as it is.

3½ seaside stories out of 5

The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)

Personally, I don't feel that the world needed any more shot-on-digital post-apocalyptic fuggin zombie movies, but I concede that a case could be made for TGwAtG. Penned side by side with its novel version (2014), author and screenwriter M.R. Carey's drama puts a disturbing biological spin on the condition. It's a shame that visually the film brings nothing new to the table.
Swarming zombie hordes (herein called hungries) are a dull and overused device. But the thinking characters, despite a baffling colour-swap, are well-cast and perform admirably, particularly young Sennia Nanua as bitey Melanie, surely the most challenging role of all. Melanie exists in-between; while she appears human on the outside, she's something less (or more?) on the inside.
As adaptations go it's very faithful, which is a positive thought to end on.

2½ sprouts out of 5

The Bible ...In the Beginning (1966)

An adaptation of the Book of Genesis, beginning with the void (prior the creation of the Earth) and ending with the story of Abraham. After well-groomed Adam and Eve discover shame things take a major dive. The utterly ridiculous Noah section is extra embarrassing for the film's director because he stars as the beardy boat-builder; it's John Huston, who provides the voice of God, too. The majority of the first half is wretched stuff. Things get a little better thereafter, and there's even a few scenes that have some merit (the Tower of Babel, Sodom, etc) but overall it's a disaster of... er... epic proportions. Further adaptations were planned but, mercifully, none were made.

2 renamings out of 5

Dragon Inn (1967)

aka Dragon Gate Inn

If you've not seen a King Hu film before, you might be tempted to start with what most critics consider to be his masterpiece, A Touch of Zen (1971), but my recommendation would be to start instead with Dragon Inn (1967), so as not to waste three hours of your life if it turns out that you don't like Hu's style.
Set at a distant outpost during the Ming Dynasty (1457), it receives more than an expected number of off-season visitors. Each of the main players have an agenda, political or otherwise, that they generally want to hide from the other guests. With regards the action scenes, they're inventive, but in order to appreciate their genre-defining importance a modern viewer will be required to put them into context by becoming aware of the era's limitations. That being said, the speeded up footage is more comical than anything else.

3 disturbances out of 5

Hannibal (2006)

The words ‘feature-length film’ are clearly stated on the cover of the R2 Hannibal DVD (see pic above), and given that it also has a BBC logo I guessed that it’d be a TV Movie, which is something that I often enjoy because a lower budget can encourage creativity. But, while it is indeed feature-length it’s basically a History Channel docu-drama in disguise. Dramatic re-enactments with fabricated dialogue presented with a v/o and as semi-fact is not a thing that I typically like to watch. But if you feel contrary, then know that the performances of the cast are variable (with the Carthaginians generally better than the Romans), and the story is rushed. If you're seeking merely a visual introduction to Hannibal's incredible story, then it's probably fine. But if your reading skills are up to it, I'd suggest a reputable history book instead.

2 chilly elephants out of 5

The Woodsman and the Rain (2011)

A simple woodsman (Kôji Yakusho) gets interrupted during his work by an apologetic man who explains that the forest worker is himself causing a disturbance, in regards to the filming of a movie not far away. In an odd but captivating way the two different worlds slowly overlap and the aged villager, initially uninterested in the production, drifts into a friendship with the film's unassuming young director (Shun Oguri), a beneficial pairing that leads to the two individuals gaining mutual guidance from one another.
Japanese director Shûichi Okita nails the kind of incredible comic timing that many of his genre peers have, and he makes it look effortless.
If you've enjoyed any of the comedies distributed by TWF that I've covered previously, it's a good bet that you'll feel similarly about The Woodsman.

3½ quiet skies out of 5

New Police Story (2004)

An unusually downbeat opening sets the tone for a Police Story reboot. I don't know why it needed a reboot, but at least it still has Jackie in the lead role. Except he's a different character, Inspector Kwok-wing. The grim feeling that kicked it off remains for a very long time, making the first 40+ minutes as much a hardship on the viewer as they are on the guilt-ridden alcoholic cop.
The villains are a gang of youths who treat life and death like a video game, awarding points for specific actions. Chan and his new partner (Nicholas Tse) try to track them down. The motivations of the primaries are foundation for a story of redemption, but it's somewhat stunted by its own gritty nature.

2½ damaged goods out of 5

Sixteen Candles (1984)

Samantha (Molly Ringwald) is the birthday girl the film is named for, upset that she doesn't feel any different despite the coming-of-age marker having arrived, which is a trivial thing to be concerned over, I feel. Worse still, she's pissed-off that she's not the most important person at home that morning, due to her older sister getting married the following day. The words 'attention whore' spring to mind. As the day goes on we learn that she may be in love with an older guy, which is a situation that I found just as difficult to care about. One of Molly's The Breakfast Club (1985) co-stars, Anthony Michael Hall, features too, as a geek who helps her move (slightly) forward, but his ilk get mocked often, without effectively showing their individual merits.
Within John Hughes' début film are the beginnings of his lauded teen-movie credentials, but Sixteen Candles isn't a very good example of the same.

2½ social opportunities out of 5

Planet of the Vampires (1965)

As wonderful as the cover artwork is, it's not wholly accurate of the film it promotes, but Mario Bava's sci-fi horror still has something to offer fans of the genre. A full appreciation requires knowledge of the production, but it can be summed-up as being a Bava flick that achieves a lot with very little.
It's a tale of unknown terror and creeping unease set upon an alien planet that has an atmosphere of oxygen and dry ice, lit like a colourful pulp novel cover. The plot is slow but strangely tense, and sets are sparsely decorated but oddly claustrophobic. It works mostly because of the director's eye for artful composition and his ability to make cheapo look semi-costly. It's been suggested that PotV may have been a direct influence on Alien (1979), and despite Scott's claims to the contrary the evidence seems to be there.

3 strange signals out of 5

The New World (2005)

Terrence Malick's telling of the founding of the first permanent English settlement in the Americas is a story of land, maybe, but of nature, certainly. The travellers are edgy and unsettled, at odds with the native culture that belongs there. The meditative voice-overs add to the tremendous poetry of the work, which has a spiritual, verging on dreamlike, quality. The contrasts in the two cultures, explored through John Smith's (Colin Farrell) interactions with both sides, flows introspectively into that same feeling, while James Horner's score evokes the majesty of the world that exists around them.
Christian Bale's performance bored me, but it may be that he gets more room to develop his character in the extended version(s) of the film, I don't know; the disc that I currently own is the standard 136 minutes edition.

4½ gifted seeds out of 5

David and Bathsheba (1951)

King David (Gregory Peck) rules Israel with a wise and just hand, but when he spies Bathsheba (Susan Hayward), who at the time is another man's wife, the monarch falls foul of his earthly desires, distancing him from God's graces.
The Old Testament judgements, the kind that shine a murky light on the religion's tenets, mean the message is open to one-sided interpretations, which may be a good and/or bad thing, and I feel that a story of adultery loses some of its power when one of the participants has multiple wives, but the dialogue is of a sort that made Hollywood great, once upon a time. The two leads enjoy some of the best examples, but David's first wife, Michal (Jayne Meadows) steals a few impassioned scenes with what she's given.

4 draconian stones cast out of 5

The Lovely Bones (2009)

I've no knowledge of the book that TLB is based on, but the resultant film is not good. Told from the perspective of a murdered fourteen-year-old girl (Saoirse Ronan), with a v/o from the same, it follows the lives of the people left behind, observed by the dead girl from a place beyond the living world.
Colourful and detailed, but tonally a complete mess, Dir. Peter Jackson used some of his $65 million budget on FX shots that add little of anything other than spectacle to the work. The feeling of acute boredom that settled upon me lifted only when Stanley Tucci was onscreen, and at one other time (for the intruder in his house near the end). And why Mark Wahlberg is ever considered for a role that requires emotion is something I don't understand.

2 skeevies out of 5

Armour of God II: Operation Condor (1991)

aka Operation Condor: Armour of God II

It's a sequel in that it's the Asian Hawk (Condor) character once more, but it's a new adventure, not a continuation of the previous film. This time Jackie kindly helps out a street vendor and ends up hunting for a hoard of decades-old (stolen) World War II Nazi gold in the Sahara Desert, during which he gets into plenty of awkward situations. He's pursued by various baddies, giving rise to action scenes that are superb, with jaw-dropping stunt work (the guy with the brush in the factory – holy shit!), but there's more daft comedy, too. The japes aren't something that I personally enjoy, and I feel they weaken the whole, to be frank, but they're clearly performed with the best of intentions by the cast.

3 water problems out of 5

The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

The umpteenth adaptation of James Cooper's 1826 novel (that I own but haven't yet read) is perhaps the most well-known version today. Taking place in 1757, it's a story of change, vengeance and enduring love set against the backdrop of a ravaging conflict in North America (the French and Indian War).
Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis), an adopted son of a Mohican chief, gives his heart to a British Colonel's daughter (Madeleine Stowe). The couple look great together, but the romance lacks any kind of proper build-up. Still, a fantastic score by Trevor Jones and Randy Edelman pick up the slack in that dept.
The staged nature of Dir. Mann's approach sometimes feels more real than the people, but there's no denying that the film's best scene is a stirring cinematic moment, and the vengeful Huron warrior Magua (Wes Studi) is fantastic.

3½ faces of war out of 5

Sky Blue (2003)

aka Wonderful Days

A South Korean animation that attempted to blend traditional 2D cel animation with CGI and photographic backgrounds. There's some fine movement at times, but the merger is rarely a complementary one; it's jarring and fairly unsightly.
The story's set in 2142 AD, in and around a living city known as Ecoban. Outside the city the world is poisoned; it's where the diggers live, unfortunate slum-dwellers who work to provide power for the well-off city folk. One such individual, Shua, wants to break apart the unfair societal and class divisions.
The themes that underpin Shua's quest aren't very well-developed and have been explored better in other sci-fi works. On a more personal level, he longs for a world in which the sky is once again blue, free from pollution; it's that, and the operatic final twenty minutes, that make any of it worthwhile.

2½ dust clouds out of 5

Top of the World (1997)

After four years in a Nevada jail Ray Mercer (Peter Weller) heads to Vegas for a quick d-i-v-o-r-c-e from his wife Rebecca (Tia Carrere). Whilst there a heist at the casino that he's not legally allowed to be in spirals out of control.
It's a 'bad day for everyone involved' kind of movie, both helped and hindered by its occasional black comedy. The story has a few clever moments and some memorable stunt-work, but overall it floats just below the average line most of the time. The clichéd movie-Vegas setting doesn't help matters, either.

2 dam odds out of 5

Demetrius and the Gladiators (1954)

A follow-up to The Robe (1953) in which the once-slave Demetrius (Victor Mature) gets sentenced to gladiatorial life in the Roman arena, putting him in the sights of emperor Caligula (Jay Robinson), who wants the robe, believing it'll grant him the magical powers that the deified Jesus reportedly had.
Similarly styled but not as beholden to Christian virtues as its predecessor was, the script flirts with sexual obsession, loss of faith and the depths of human despair. Peter (Michael Rennie) returns for a few short scenes, one of which is pivotal. On the flip side, the dramatic reversals happen abruptly and it bothered me that 'Thou Shalt Not Kill' extended only to human life. The ending is less striking than its predecessor, but that's perhaps not a bad thing.

3½ ugly truths out of 5

The Robe (1953)

The first feature film released in the CinemaScope format, The Robe is a biblical epic with suitably lavish sets and a story that, for the most part, feels like it deserves the extra expense. Besides a few blundering emotional scenes, that are as much a failing of the script as they are of Richard Burton's delivery, it's a compelling story of a Roman Tribune who's sent to Jerusalem as a punishment at a time that just happens to coincide with the arrival of a certain carpenter from Galilee. Accompanying the Tribune is a slave, a Greek man named Demetrius (Victor Mature), a person of principles and honour.
Initially concerned with themes of rivalry and a brazen dislike of Imperial rule, it develops into something more personal, triggered by a momentous event.
The closing scene is pretty terrible, but by then its proved itself worthy.

4 binding measures out of 5

Borg vs McEnroe (2017)

I've zero interest in tennis, but it didn't matter because the film is a character-driven piece about two determined men more than about the sport itself. Rivals in the media, opposites in approach but less so beneath the surface, the story gets under the skin of Swedish Björn Borg (Sverrir Gudnason) and American John McEnroe (Shia LaBeouf) as they approach and face off in the 1980 Wimbledon final. It probes their moods and modes, their rituals and reasoning, and, unexpectedly but crucially, explores their teenage years.
Language is English and Swedish, but it favours the latter conceptually more and is all the better for it, in all likelihood being more understated and singular in focus than any US made version of events would strive to be.
The cast are excellent, too (even LaBeouf), effectively conveying the isolation and pressure that each one is under, in his/her own way.

4 serious calls out of 5

Armour of God (1986)

When it's not being an advert for Mitsubishi, Jackie Chan's first outing as treasure-hunter Asian Hawk is a mix of comedy and action culminating in a fun-filled finale that despite being choreographed and rehearsed feels completely spontaneous. It's a testament to Chan's likeability that we can celebrate his ingenuity and daring even though he's stealing and selling at auction holy relics that he has no claim to whatsoever. The titular 'armour' is a collection of five such pieces, which Hawk and his two companions (Alan Tam, Lola Forner) must first acquire and then deliver to an interested party.
Most of the bad guys (dressed in giveaway bad-guy black robes) are idiot fodder that exist to be punched, but there's a trio of more memorable ones.

3 frisbee plates out of 5

The Love Witch (2016)

A gorgeous throwback to a Technicolor era, lovingly staged, shot and edited on 35mm film. It was written, produced, directed and edited by Anna Biller, who also did the sets and costumes. The stylised presentation was captured by cinematographer M. David Mullen, who deserves equal praise. If judged on all of that alone, it would sail home with top marks. Unfortunately, the story is less entertaining and at two hours is much too long, becoming almost irredeemably prosaic about halfway through. The (deliberate?) strange acting from the cast fails to fill the vacancy in content that floats in the alluring spaces around them, pushing the merits of Biller's feminist approach to its chosen subject into some less interesting spaces. But I did like the ending.

2½ deep feelings out of 5

The Adventures of Hercules II (1985)

aka The New Adventures of Hercules

A sequel to Hercules (1983), with Lou Ferrigno once again playing the strongman. It starts out remarkably similar to the first film (and I don't just mean the reused footage), before the hero is called upon to recover Zeus' missing Thunderbolts; there's seven of them in all, which the big Z needs to keep the planets aligned. If Hercules fails, the moon will crash into the Earth.
The bolts are hidden inside the bellies of fierce beasts, which Hercules punches his way through in a lively manner, while the viewer is assailed by cheap overlays and more of those wonderful FX - much, much more!
The questing hero is joined by two women, Glaucia and Urania (Sonia Viviani and Milly Carlucci, respectively). And what's this? King Minos, too! Damn!
It's utter nonsense, but it's also tremendous, if you like this kind of thing.

3 dangling souls out of 5

Hercules (1983)

Lou Ferrigno is Zeus' chosen one, a hero of the people granted incredible strength. In his quest to save his love, Cassiopea (Ingrid Anderson), from the evil King Minos (William Berger) the muscular champion must overcome trials, battle mechanical titans (really) and face off against evil sorcery.
After an extended creation myth opening that's strangely reminiscent of Richard Donner's Superman (1978), the film goes all out to impress with its manly beards, shiny armour and sexy females. Even though its aspirations are greater than its achievements, I found it thoroughly entertaining. And Ferrigno certainly looks the part; even when punching a bear he's a hundred times better than his Pumping Iron (1977) rival's version of the same character.

2½ incarnate energies out of 5

Battle Creek Brawl (1980)

BCB's plot has Asian action star Jackie Chan in a 1930s Chicago setting. A skilled fighter, he's blackmailed by the mafia into entering the brawl of the title, but there's more on the line than just his honour.
Chan's first attempt to break the US market is notable for being just that; i.e. a first attempt. Dir. Clouse may have struck gold with Bruce Lee in '73, but Chan isn't Lee - his style is different and requires a different approach. But the filmmakers appear to have had an almost complete lack of understanding with regards how to assemble a scene to accentuate his abilities. It was produced by Raymond Chow, but I suspect he was mostly hands-off this time.
The latter half is better than the first in almost every way, but it fails to finish the story in any kind of satisfactory manner.

2 clichéd strongmen out of 5

Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (2018)

Previously it was South Africa that had a worm problem, now it's the snowy Canadian arctic. While digging for core samples in the ice, scientists encounter the giant menaces. Meanwhile, back in Perfection, current manager of Chang's market, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross), is having problems with the IRS.
For reasons that I won't go into, the team must capture a live specimen, which means a bait and trap scenario. But story aside, the direction is annoying and the framing sucks. It's fun seeing Burt, even when he's a shadow of his former self, but yet again Jamie Kennedy is wasteful - he's not even a good foil.
Of the new cast, Valerie (Jamie-Lee Money), the daughter of characters from the first film, is the most memorable. Alas, while better than its immediate predecessor, it's only worth seeking out if you're a big fan of the series.

2½ seismic spikes out of 5

The Professionals (1966)

A great genre cast make Dir. Richard Brooks' ensemble Western better than it might otherwise have been. The task that the four specialists undertake is to ride into Mexico and liberate a rich ranch owner's kidnapped wife (Claudia Cardinale) from former revolutionary leader Jesus Raza (Jack Palance).
Each man is in it for the money, but there's a clash of moral interests, regardless. Lee Marvin stands out as the team's unofficial leader, but there's excellent support from both Woody Strode and Robert Ryan. The only character that I really disliked was Lancaster's, a cynical, tough-talking mercenary, portrayed in the actor's usual hardened style.

3½ recent crosses out of 5

FX 2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991)

aka F/X2

A sequel to FX (1986) that was released and set five years after the first film. Structurally it's similar, Roland Tyler (Brown) is hired by law enforcement officers to make something fake look real, but an unplanned element means it goes badly. McCarthy (Dennehy), who's now a Private Investigator, turns up around the 40 minute mark, etc. But ultimately it's a lot worse. The story is weak and the 'logic' is dumb. Tyler conveniently has all the gadgets he needs, for all eventualities, and the twists are ridiculous. It has a few good scenes, but none that stick in the mind (except the dumb logic, for the wrong reasons).
There was no third film, but a two-season TV series followed five years hence, titled F/X: The Series, It's the same characters, but they were recast.

2½ clown moves out of 5

FX: Murder by Illusion (1986)

aka F/X

Movie effects guy Roland Tyler (Bryan Brown) is approached by the Justice Department, who want him to use his skills to fake an assassination. The target is an ex-mobster (Jerry Orbach), who's going to rat on his former colleagues. It's a dangerous situation, but the pay is good and the challenge appealing.
The story relies on artificiality, and therefore highlights its own, but it works-well enough; especially during the rare moments when it succeeds in using a viewer's knowledge of what's 'phoney' against them.
Brian Dennehy's police lieutenant arrives late to the party but brings a screen presence that elevates the entire production. It doesn't seem as clever today as it did back in the 80s, but it was enjoyable revisiting it after so many years.

3 false numbers out of 5