Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

The musical comedy horror genre is distressingly underpopulated. Based on a musical that was based on the 1960s movie of the same name, Little Shop of Horrors offers campy scares, lots of laughs, and surprisingly catchy tunes. The music is a little dated, but somehow everything clicks together, from the motown Greek chorus to the wonderfully cheesy effects.

What really sells this film is its cast. Steve Martin is at his absolute funniest, Levi Stubb's voice acting is spectacular, and Rick Moranis makes Seymour work in a way few actors could. It's not for everyone, but for those who like a side of music with their black comedy, it's something you can watch over and over again without getting bored. My only complaint is the ending, which is satisfying enough, but doesn't quite match the tone of the film. Look up the original the next time you give this one a watch.

4 long, slow root canals out of 5

xXx (2002)

It actually happened: watching an action movie dropped my IQ into the minus numbers. Admittedly, it didn't have far to fall to get there, but that doesn't negate the sheer inanity of this shitfest.
Vin is an adrenaline junkie (which we all know is a synonym for wanker) who gets drafted by Sam Jackson (playing a poor man’s Nick Fury) to be a government secret agent. Jebus wept! It’s a James Bond movie with the ridiculous action fantasies cranked to faster and more stupid levels.
If I was Rob Cohen I’d have attributed it to Alan Smithee before release.

0½ foot to ass out of 5

AMER [2009]

Amer is a hypnotizing Belgian/French surreal horror film from directors Hélène Cattet & Bruno Forzani who stylishly paint it to seem like a Dario Argento piece.
A giallo in every way, the film is broken up into three different time periods of a women's life, from an ignored little girl, to an opressed teenager and finally an uncomfortable young woman.  Her sensuality and sexuality are strongly focused on through unsettling photography and cleverly emphasized sound effects all of which keep the viewer in 100% discomfort from beginning to end.  Not a whole lot happens to drive the plot forward but when it does you wish for your nerve's sake that it would have just stayed mildly unsettling rather than the bizarrely violent and scary.

4 watchful eyes out of 5

WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END [2007]

Most direct-to-video sequels are generally known to suck.
So it was a wonderful surprise to find that not only was Joe Lynch's sequel to Wrong Turn entitled Dead End pretty decent but it was light years better than the original.
This rollercoaster ride of a backwoods inbred cannibals flick is filled with great sick & twisted humor, loads of grisly kill scenes, a wildly fun score from Bear McCreary and ofcourse, some bad to the bone Henry Rollins goodness.
This ain't high art but it damn well knows that and runs with the gory fun that it is.

3½ super births out of 5

FEED [2005]

Feed is a gruesome horror film from Australia by director Brett Leonard, that's reminiscent of the "gluttony" death in Se7en.
As sickeningly disturbing as the subject matter is here the film let's the viewer down by lacking any sort of tension that might have made it a little more interesting.  I felt my stomach turn quite a bit while subjecting myself to this monstosity, so if that's what you're into then maybe it's for you but if you like engaging stories and well-developed protagonists then seek something else.  It's an intriguing and disturbing idea but that's about it.

2 pan fried penises out of 5

Living on One Dollar (2013)

Four youthful Americans go to a small village in Guatemala to live on the equivalent of $1 per day for 56 days, which sounds challenging, but consider also that the locals do it for a lifetime.
The filmmakers are amateurs but they manage to educate as they experience, because the documentary format can be a more informative teaching aid than a packed schoolroom. Their attempt to capture the effects poverty has on the individual may arguably come from a flawed perspective, but the lens shows reality, which is another word for truth.
My income is 16 times what these people get and I'm considered poor! But I can still give to charity every month. Perhaps you could too?

3½ pieces of paper in a hat out of 5

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS [1986]

Night Of The Creeps is a comedy/horror film from director Fred Dekker doing his best to make it so bad it's good.
Starting off on an alien ship, in a Star Wars homage, it quickly turns into a weird slasher flick set in the 50's and then a zombie film in the mid 80's making for a bumpy narrative that somehow ties it all together rather sloppily.  At times it is actually quite funny in a bad way and at other times it's just plain stupid but is too short to wear out it's welcome.  With a bit of better casting choices it might have actually become better than what it is but I'm more than sure it has it's legions of cult classic followers.

3 "zombies, exploding heads, creepy crawlies and a date to the formal" out of 5

Little Red Riding Hood (1997)

A stylised interpretation of the Little Red Riding Hood story starring Christina Ricci as the little girl, and Timour Bourtasenkov as a wolf that seems to have been trained in interpretative dance. The B+W cinematography is a loving homage to silent era cinema that looks wonderful, but the awful script, narrated by Quentin Crisp, brings the quality of the whole thing plummeting down. Unfortunately, you can’t just turn down the volume to avoid it, because you’ll lose the Claude Debussy music that breathes extra life into the action.

3 needles out of 5

Boarding Gate (2007)

There’s no chemistry between anyone in this sterile story structured around a woman with complex feelings toward two of her lovers. The lack of passion means the relationships are functional to the plot but empty and lifeless beneath the surface. That same coldness is echoed in the awful silver/blue lighting that we see all too often in films about corporate businesses. I hate that shit. There’s no warmth to any of it, meaning it sits at odds with the slutty allure that is Asia Argento’s usual currency.
It’s not until half the film has come and gone that anything remotely interesting happens. I wouldn't want to watch it a second time.

2 departures out of 5

Double Dragon (1994)

This exists.  o_0

After 15 minutes you'll maybe wish it didn't.

After 25 minutes you'll maybe wish you didn't.

0½ a neck blister out of 5

WRONG TURN [2003]

Rob Schmidt directs yet another hillbilly inbred serial killers film with Wrong Turn.
It's fairly generic in the storyline and stock characters but manages to supply some tension, well-timed humour and two strong leading characters.  There really aren't any surprises to be had or imaginative kill scenes however there's some entertaining chase scenes and settings which all benefit from it's brisk pace and will to get straight to the point.  It was exactly the type of crap that I wanted at the moment and it pretty much delivered.

2½ tasty mouthfuls of barbed wire out of 5

Dance of the Seven Veils (1970)

Ken Russell’s controversial interpretation of the life of composer Richard Strauss is part truth and part fiction. It’s a bizarre series of Monty Python-esque sketches that ridicule primarily Strauss’ tone poem based on Nietzsche’s Zarathustra, but it throws in some Shakespeare, Don Quixote and whatever else was occupying Russell’s mind at time of conception (that'll be the flagellating monks, horny nuns and comparisons between Christianity and Nazism then). If you hadn't guessed already, it’ll be damn offensive to many people and is still banned in its current form.

2½ captivities out of 5

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

"This is not good."

                                         Johnny Cage

0 balls out of 5

Black Scorpion II: Aftershock (1997)

All the sequel had to do was recreate the same sense of fun that was the foundation of the first film and I’d have handed it another half-decent score, but someone turned it into a crap comedy instead of a camp costume caper. There are actual clown noises like Boing and Twang to accompany the villainous Gangster Prankster, who's a very obvious merger of Two-Face and Joker. The other villain, because the law of sequels states there must be two, is a leather-clad female professor named Ursula Undershaft, and that's as good as it gets.

0½ a tremor out of 5

THE THOMPSONS [2012]

6 years after The Hamiltons, The Butcher Bros. return to their bat-shit crazy vampire family, now living under the name The Thompsons as they travel across the pond to blend in with the pip-pips.
With this film I realized this is very much like Twilight's Cullen family if they were done right and weren't...well...sparkling pussies.
With quite a few years apart from the original film it's quite noticeable that there's a bigger budget, The Butchers have matured as writer/directors and all the actors have advanced in their craft.  Unlike the original film, I was actually quite fond of these characters, as nasty as they are and am eager to see another film should there ever be one.

3 bank robberies out of 5

RED WHITE & BLUE [2010]

Red White & Blue is a revenge/horror film from director Simon Rumley that is guaranteed to polarize audience reactions.
It's the American Dream turned into a grisly and depressing nightmare where there are no clear heroes or villains and you're never really sure who's getting revenge on who.  The first hour plays like a bleak slow-burning drama aiming to depress you, whereas the 2nd half turns into a horrific revenge film that completely baffles the viewer's morals and emotions.  I applaud Noah Taylor going against his usual charming & soft-spoken pip-pip roles and instead transforms himself into something twisted & quite frightening.
It's not a very nice film but with a uniquely structured narrative, wonderful performances and forcing the viewer to question themselves over & over I can't help but admire everything about it.

3½ stupid earrings out of 5

THE HOLE [2009]

Like Gremlins, director Joe Dante returns to horror films for the kids with the simply entertaining yet effective thriller, The Hole.
It might be packed with usual horror movie clichés, like the creepy little ghost girl, creepy clown puppet, creepy old guy who's in the know, creepy abandoned amusement park and creepy German expressionism for maximum weirdness but I viewed it as a tame introduction to those types of things for the younger audience to experience for the first time.  The director's zany imagination isn't up to par with his usual fare but the brisk pacing and light thrills & chills all make up for it.  Dante is an accomplished director, so it leads me to believe that in anybody else's hands this film might not have been nearly as digestible.

3 cool holes into Hell under one's house out of 5

BLACK ROCK [2013]

I like the Duplass Brothers, so I was eager to see them involved in another horror film, Black Rock, with them serving as executive producers and a script written by Mark.  Unfortunately it's directed by and stars his wife Katie Asleton and while she does a serviceable job in her acting role, she doesn't have a whole lot going for her in the director's chair.
The pacing and all the performances are great, however it never really amounts to much in originality or really any point at all.  There's a few tense moments but are somewhat watered down by some questionably dumb tactics made by the characters.  In the end, I found it to be reasonably entertaining but needed much more depth and thought put into it.

2½ secret forts out of 5

Ong-bak (2003)

OB is a showcase for lithe Tony Jaa to demonstrate his Muay Thai skills to the world, all of which were achieved without the aid of wires.
It paints its characters mostly black or white, making the simple village folk noble and kind and the city folk selfish and Godless, but there’s just enough depth beneath that to make you care about Jaa and his do-or-die quest. The additional subtext about the power of spiritual belief to invigorate and encourage the individual stops the plot from teetering over into the two-dimensional abyss that hovers nearby at all times.
It gets face-palm bad when it mimics other directors (that Besson style tuk-tuk chase was a disaster), but it took the first steps in delivering a unique kind of action cinema to the West, one that we hadn't seen before.

3 different angles out of 5

+1 [2013]

Director Dennis Iliadis' frightening sci-fi/thriller +1 is like taking Can't Hardly Wait and twisting it into one of the weirder episodes of Fringe.
The idea of watching two realities collide is intense when it's well done, however +1 keeps getting good then falling apart then good again.  It's a bit of a rough ride with an insanely cool idea that completely falls apart by the end.  I suspect they didn't know what to do with the story for a complete feature length and probably would have worked a lot better with a good 20-25 minutes cut out.  Still, the curiosity of how it was all going to play out kept me entertained till the very end.

3 flaming tennis balls out of 5

Half Moon Street (1986)

People obsessed with money make me fucking sick. People obsessed with politics would come in a close second. If it wasn't for Sigourney Weaver and Michael Caine I’d have been lost at sea for something to entertain me in Half Moon's political thriller climate. Sigourney is a part-time escort girl with a PhD who uses her tits and her wits to make money. Caine is a work-hungry Lord who wants to watch her shave. Along the way there’s some underdeveloped nonsense about Arab and Israeli politics.
Polanski could've maybe did something more interesting with it.

2½ spiritual pollutants out of 5

Tank Girl (1995)

I give points to everyone involved in the production for even attempting to turn Martin and Hewlett's bat-shit crazy Tank Girl comic into anything other than an animation. And I'd like to say that it's a success, but that'd be lying.
If Lori Petty brings you out in a rash, you’ll want to avoid it like a dose of the plague. It's her film from troubled beginning to weary end. Everyone else is just along for the ride, or more likely the paycheque. Malcolm McDowell is on autopilot. Naomi Watts looks embarrassed. A cameo from James Hong was good times because he eats this kind of shit up.

2 rockets out of 5

Black Scorpion (1995)

It's the old Batman TV series updated for the 90s with more violence, tits, ass and (slightly) less cliché-ridden camp appeal. If that sounds like something you can get behind, then you're the target audience. There's honesty (it knows what it is and doesn't try to be anything else) and vigilante justice in stilettos. And let's face it, Joan Severance looks better in gusset-hugging PVC bondage wear than Adam West ever would.

2 wheezy villains of 5

GIRLS AGAINST BOYS [2013]

Written & directed by Austin Chick, Girls Against Boys is a horror revenge flick that is more than what it seems.
Universally panned by male critics for being too "man-hatey", the film is actually done with a sly smirk on it's face that's just too fun to dislike.  With some careful attention to it's finer details the viewer should see it for what it actually is and enjoy the ride that much more.  Carried by some strong performances, interesting camera work and great dialogue I found it to be not a great film but certainly a lot more enjoyable and better than what people have made it out to be.

3 bowls of Cap'n Crunch over corpses out of 5

ANTIVIRAL [2012]

Director Brandon Cronenberg follows in his daddy's footsteps with stories about people doing weird shit to their bodies in the unsettling sci-fi thriller Antiviral.
Taking place in a world where people pay to get injected with their favorite celebrity's viruses and illnesses, the film is stark, cold and chills you to the bone with its hospital like color palate and intense ick factor.  Technically it's a work of art with its beautiful framing, precise lighting and delicate direction, however as a story it left me emotionally unattached with its coldness and wooden characters.
It's a nice directorial debut and leaves me eager to see Cronenberg's future films as he matures as a film-maker.

3 celebrity cells out of 5

HAUNTER [2013]

Abigail Breslin does a wonderful job at carrying the film in director Vincenzo Natali's super creepy ghost story Haunter.  
It starts off as your basic tired haunted house story but soon as the first layer of plot is added it just keeps building and building into something far more weirder and creepier than you'd ever expect.  It's beautifully photographed and lit with haunting precision that screams of cold intimacy.  Unfortunately the plot gets so thick with brilliant ideas, the final 20 minutes can't live up to everything it's built itself up to be and collapses something fierce.  Fortunately it's something I've come to expect from Natali films so it didn't hurt the experience too much.

4 meat loaf dinners out of 5

BROADWAY IDIOT [2013]

Broadway Idiot follows the concept of adapting Green Day's 2004 rock opera album American Idiot into a full fledged Broadway musical.
Directed by Doug Hamilton, it mainly focuses on the collaboration of frontman Billie Joe Armstrong, stage director Michael Mayer and music arranger Tom Kitt.  As a musician and fan of the band, the film is interesting to see the familiar songs get dissected, broken apart and rebuilt to suit the musical stage.  As a casual viewer the film might not be so interesting but might inspire with it's energy and dedication to the craft.  It's fully absorbed into the positivity of the process and adoration for the show so it never gets into any backstage problems or dilemmas which might have made the film a little more enthralling.

3 sons of rage and love out of 5

STALLED [2013]

Stalled is low-budget zombie horror/comedy from director Christian James and screenwriter Dan Palmer (the guys behind Freak Out).
About 99% of the film takes place in a women's washroom, so it's nice to see a unique take on the tired zombie genre instead of the usual "run around town trying to survive" tale.  The film has a surprising amount of heart and, although does have it's fair share of disgusting jokes, it never goes as low as it could have gone based on it's setting.  There's nothing completely mind-blowing or "run & tell your friends" about it but I found it to be highly enjoyable and will be re-watching it again come Christmas time.

3 zombie Jesus' out of 5

THE WOODS [2006]

Something eerie is going on in director Lucky McKee's bizarre supernatural thriller The Woods.
McKee has a stylish and imaginative flair that brings this otherwise run of the mill Suspiria clone up a few notches where it allows us to know the characters and feel the atmosphere.  It never really frightens or disturbs like the director's other works but manages to keep it spooky beginning to end.
...and let's face it, we all want to see Bruce Campbell fight trees again.

3 glasses of spilt milk out of 5

PSYCHO IV: THE BEGINNING [1990]

The idea of Mick Garris directing the fourth & final instalment in the Psycho series as a made-for-TV film sounds like it has disaster written all over it.
...and it pretty much is.
It might not be as bad as the third film but only because it takes a different approach to the series by flashbacking to Norman Bates as a little boy and his relationship with his batshit crazy mother.  The writing and directing are over-the-top in a pulp comic book sort of way that drains the film of any sort of tension whatsoever.  However Henry Thomas & Olivia Hussey as young Norman and Norma Bates are actually quite good with what little they had to work with.

1½ boy's best friends out of 5

Escape from Tomorrow (2013)

Escape From Tomorrow is simultaneously engrossing and incredibly frustrating. The guerrilla film managed to capture some fantastic footage, and most of the performances are solid, but the script just isn't there. It's unlikely that anyone will pull off something like Escape From Tomorrow again, and the wasted opportunity left me with a palpable sense of disappointment.

Sometimes the movie feels like it's trying to be a black comedy, but it never manages to be funny. It's better when it's going for dark, creepy, or just out and out weird, but even that doesn't quite work. The script clearly needed a lot of editing, and it's a shame it didn't get it before this was filmed. As is, it's not a very good movie, but it still makes for a riveting watch.

2 blacked out Neosporin labels of of 5

DYING BREED [2008]

Dying Breed is a gruesome little Australian horror film from director Jody Dwyer that follows 4 tourists in search of the supposedly extinct Tasmanian Tiger and happen to stumble upon the history of notorious cannibal Alexander Pearce.
It starts off a bit slow but when it finally picks up you realize it was intentional as the horror of the mysteries begin to unravel.  It never really does anything we haven't seen a million times before but the dreary atmosphere of the backwoods of Tasmania makes for a beautiful and frightening effective backdrop.  My biggest complaint is how many times I found myself yelling at the characters "STOP FUCKING SPLITTING UP!"  In the end, I found it to be a so-so crowd pleaser that could have tried just a bit more.

3 bunny heads in a bowl out of 5

THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE [1991]

Rolfe Kanefsky's comedy/horror D-movie There's Nothing Out There! is pretty terrible yet somewhat enjoyable on a certain level.
It dissects the horror genre, like Scream would 5 years later, as a rubber alien slithers around knocking off the 30 year old teenagers in a cabin in the woods.  The comedy is beyond dumb, the acting is atrocious and a lot of the camerawork tries too hard to be fancy, resulting in it looking even worse which may or may not be intentional.  With films like this I could go on forever about everything that's wrong with it but to be honest it was still good times.

2½ mouthfuls of shaving cream out of 5

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY [2013]

Dan Scanlon, director of Tracy, brings a lot of color and flair to the prequel to the 2001 Pixar hit Monsters, Inc. with the equally as entertaining Monsters University.
Like the first film, it doesn't quite meet the imaginative high standards of other Pixar films like Up, Wall-E or the Toy Story series but it has a thoughtful charm and thoroughly wholesome energy that leaves you smiling.  I can easily say I quite enjoyed this one and would watch it again to feel the warm & fuzzies.

3½ fifty foot tall librarians out of 5

The Mansion of Madness (1973)

I wrongly expected something similar to Alucarda (1977) because of the similar cover, but Moctezuma’s low budget début is less of a horror movie and more of a surreally absurd comedy loosely based on an Edgar Allan Poe story (The System of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether). I’d watch almost anything based on Poe, so it wasn't such a crushing disappointment.
It’s visually less interesting than Alucarda, but has better dialogue and some wonderful monologues from the sanatorium staff and inmates; except for Chicken Man, he just clucks. I was beginning to tire as it neared the end, but for the most part it was entertaining and unique.

2 peculiar inclinations out of 5

Street Fighter Alpha: Generations (2005)

A prequel to the SF Alpha games and SF Alpha: The Animation (1999) that tells of Akuma (Gouki) and Ryu's early years. The cameos by other SF characters serve little purpose, although it is slightly plausible that they'd be there. That's all the good I can say about it. The animation is appallingly bad. The story could've developed into something interesting if it had time to, but it doesn't. The music is woeful.

1 derp-face out of 5

Demon Seed (1977)

Based on a 1973 Dean Koontz novel of the same name, this sci-fi/horror hybrid pits a child psychologist (Julie Christie) against the mind of a super intelligent machine. For a film that takes place mostly in one place, it keeps the attention well and raises the terror to awkward levels.
One of the film’s strengths is that it gives the viewer concepts and ideas that require more thought to fully appreciate. Ironically, the more you engage that part of your brain and begin to think about what you’re seeing onscreen, the more the sheer absurdity of the events within start to rise to the surface. Be aware before going in that it gets very silly and you'll enjoy it a lot more.

3 debuggings out of 5

Alucarda (1977)

It begins like a Hammer film, with similar production values and a similar visual look, but Hammer didn't take things this far into the extreme world of flagellating nuns, full nudity, blasphemy, lesbianism, diabolical possession and vampirism. As the film progresses it becomes more expressionistic and surreal, dragging you into its twisted world.
There’s some dodgy acting and some overly theatrical acting; it’s the latter that helps it transcend the realms of bad B-Movie into something that fans of Jess Franco, Ken Anger, Alejandro Jodorowsky and especially Ken Russell should get some jollies from. In the realm of low budget horror, Alucarda is a classic of style over substance.

3 bloody habits out of 5

Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild (2013)

YouTube reviewer and hoarder of plastic/electronic tat Stuart Ashen receives a mysterious package in the mail that sets the pale one on a quest for the elusive Gamechild (a cheapo Gameboy knock-off). The Indy Jones comparisons were expected, but beneath the homage it also serves to highlight how ridiculous those films really are.
At times it also feels like a poor-man’s Simon Pegg film, but that too seems intentional and is touched upon in the narrative.
It's a little flat in places, and people pop in and out for no reason, but if you’re a fan of Ashens’ style it’s a funny and rewarding experience. It’s also surprisingly well-lit considering it was shot in Norwich; it must have been during that week the sun came out in summer.

2½ ass-calls out of 5

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

As expected, Jamie Lee is the best thing in the seventh film. It likes to think of itself as the real sequel to the first film, although it incorporates elements of the second and even has remnants of an explanation for Laurie’s absence in the fourth, fifth and sixth from a previous script, which it pretends didn't happen. It’s clear that Dir. Steve Miner hadn't a damn clue what film he wanted to make. There’s no explanation for MM’s return. There’s no proof it’s even him. It’s just a guy in a mask with a knife who likes to stick it in people.
There’s some decent camerawork early on and the editing was functional, but by halfway through the running time I was feeling the pangs of regret.
H20 isn't even the last one. They made another one afterwards! Finality and credibility go out the window when there’s money to be made.

2 new eyes out of 5

The Spirit of the Beehive (1973)

Young Ana, in a small Spanish village, in a theatre so poor you have to bring your own chair, watches Frankenstein (1931) for the first time. Ana’s eyes drink in the majesty of everything as only the eyes of childhood can, and it sets in motion a new way of thinking that changes her life forever.
It’s a slow-moving foreign language film that will appear to have very little happening on the surface if you’re not accustomed to this kind of thing, but delve deeper and you’ll discover a lot simmering beneath it.
The economic situation and political allegory are plain to see, but they don’t suffocate the narrative, because it’s from a child’s perspective most of the time; even the breakdown of the family unit is handled quietly.

3½ honeycombs out of 5

LA CASA MUDA [2010]

aka The Silent House

The Spanish language Uruguayan film La Casa Muda from director Gustavo Hernández claims to be yet another horror film based on true events.

It fancies itself one of the few films to ever be shot in one long continuous take but anyone in the know is aware the cameras used to shoot the film can only run for 15 minutes non-stop.   While the film might supply a few minor scares it's mostly a bore of a predictable storyline, bad acting and a half-assed script that struggled to keep me awake.  

I rarely do this but I might have to recommend the obligatory American remake (which isn't much better) for Elizabeth Olsen's fantastic performance rather than this dead-panned leading lady.

2 dollies out of 5

PSYCHO III [1986]

Anthony Perkins claims the director's chair in the third instalment of the Psycho series.
Having not seen this film since I was kid, I recalled it being not as good as the second film and boy, was I right.  This film is pretty terrible.
While I admire Perkins' not trying to imitate Hitchcock's style, I find it offensive that they'd turn the series into a cheap 80's slasher flick with more graphic violence and bouncing boobies.
Even though the second film ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger I would have preferred this film had never been made.

1 bloody ice cube out of 5

Dark Tales of Japan (2005)

An anthology of five J-Horror shorts from some of the genres best known directors (Yoshihiro Nakamura, Norio Tsuruta, Kōji Shiraishi, Takashi Shimizu, and Masayuki Ochiai) tied together by a rather shaky bridge narrative. It was made for TV, so has a cheapo realistic shot-on-video charm that works in its favour occasionally. As you’d expect it’s hit and miss in the story department, but the eerie audio is of a consistently high standard.

2½ watchful eyes out of 5

GRAVITY [2013]

Feck, this kind of stuff scares the shit out of me.  This and deep water.
Alfonso Cuarón's sci-fi/thriller Gravity is the stuff some of my worst nightmares are made of and it's wonderful.  It's visually breathtaking and suffocatingly intense thanks to some wonderful performances, contrasting photography between the coldness of space & the warmth of planet Earth and an eerie score from Steven Price.  It makes you question your purpose and your place in the world as it also thrills and reaffirms you what good film-making should be, with the exception of some minor speed bumps in the pacing.
Scary, scary shit.

4 Space Transportation Systems out of 5

Crocodile Dundee II (1988)

Mick tries his best to fit into New York life, and while the residents accept him wholeheartedly he misses his homeland and the freedom it offers. A half-assed set-up drops some clichéd Columbian drug dealers into the mix, which gives him a reason to be the hunter again. Bonzer.
Hogan is neutered for a long time and the movie struggles to find anything interesting to offer until the second half. His practical way of seeing a situation is fun, but it takes a shift in locale before a number of contrasts and parallels can appear to make the first half seem less pointless.

2½ long distance telephone calls out of 5

BOTCHED [2007]

Director Kit Ryan's horror/heist gone wrong hybrid film Botched is pure gory slapstick that is just plain weird.
With a bit more focus and better humour it might have worked but unfortunately it's just too silly for it's own good.  A more humorously charismatic leading man might have worked better too, rather than someone like Stephen Dorff who is usually suitable for serious roles but as a funnyman he just falls flat on his face.  The rest of the actors are just as bad at being funny and lack in timing and performance.  There's so many minor plot details that go absolutely nowhere and seem like they were shit into the mix just to make it seem all the more outrageous.  I don't know what the hell was going on with these film-makers but it certainly wasn't anything constructive.

1 face full of rat piss out of 5

Last Tango In Paris (1972)

Brando mumbles his way through Bertolucci’s notorious romantic drama for over two hours in two different languages. His character is drawn to shadows and places of abandonment but not always in a literal way. He brings a frightening intensity to the role that’s unforgettable.
His co-star Maria Schneider does an excellent job playing against him; she’s open to truth but remains secretive, a mirror and a distorting glass.
The film’s built around arbitrary events, but there’s nothing random about Bertolucci’s direction; it’s precise and calculated. If only the same could be said of the script. Some exceptional dialogue is marred by some ridiculous dialogue that deserved no less than the cutting room floor.

3½ easy spreads out of 5

THE HAMILTONS [2006]

The Hamiltons is a low-budget horror film from The Butcher Brothers about a family of siblings who hide their homicidal tendencies from the neighborhood after the death of their parents.
The acting is pretty dismal, as is the script, but there's a few interesting moments (and promises of something stranger to be revealed) that should hold the viewer's attention till the very end.  I'll admit the poster is much more alluring to this gore-hound than the actual film is.  It's more or less bits & pieces of effective torture porn but mostly a slow-burning character piece that doesn't quite hit the mark.

2 cats fucking out of 5

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: The Videos (1998)

A collection of music videos featuring work from as early as From Here to Eternity (1984), right up to The Boatman’s Call (1997).
The music is great (5 stars for it alone), but the accompanying visuals are appallingly bad and add almost nothing complementary to the songs. The only exception is the video for Where the Wild Roses Grow.
Occasional brief thoughts from the band members punctuate before each disaster begins; even they acknowledge how awful they are.
I suggest making a YouTube playlist and seeing if that floats your goat before investing actual money in a purchase. I wish I had.

2 hair days out of 5