CLOVERFIELD [2008]

With director Matt Reeves, writer Drew Goddard and producers J.J. Abrams & Bryan Burk on board, you know you're guaranteed for some mindless SFX riddled good times with the found footage monster movie Cloverfield.
The story?  There's a giant monster in post 9/11 New York and it's taking down buildings like they're popsicle sticks.  If that's not enough for you then you're probably best leaving now to save your braincells.  If that's what you crave, then this one delivers the goods like an exploding jiffy pop pan.  There's no hidden subtext or deep character moments to follow but it's rather a LOUD bash 'n crash party that doesn't let up until the superbly Michael Giacchino scored end credits are complete.

3 Dharma Initiatives out of 5

THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN [2014]

Director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon's The Town That Dreaded Sundown is simultaneously a remake of the 1976 grindhouse slasher of the same name and a bit of a meta-sequel.
Set in the same town, the story takes place in a world where the 1976 film is a cult classic and watched annually only to birth a copycat killer that follows the film's murders from beginning to end.  This grim and atmospheric little piece has some wonderful tracking shots and scene set-ups with some great performances to boot but in the end it just isn't all that scary.  Which is fine but it seems to take itself way too seriously, so the fun of cheap laughs are quickly tossed out the window as well.  It's nowhere near as shitty as any of the other slasher flick remakes as of lately but it doesn't quite succeed in standing aside any of the more recent originals either.

2½ trombones of death out of 5

Videodrome (1983)

Seeing is believing. Until we see something in its physical aspect its reality is questionable. But what of television? The device is visible but the transmission is invisible. The pictures enter our minds the same way as everything else, but their ‘reality’ can be entirely fictitious. We’re programmed to know the difference, but what if the programming changes or the difference slips away?  Is seeing really believing, then? By the same token, at what point does violent sex become sexual violence? When does flesh and distinction cease to follow the rules?
Torture. Murder. Mutilation. Videodrome. Cronenberg’s best film, imo.

5 high frequencies out of 5

V/H/S: VIRAL [2014]

V/H/S: Viral, the third instalment of the wild horror-themed anthology series, seems to have lost the batshit crazy fun of the previous film.
It's surrounds itself around a confusing tale that I think was supposed to link each of the four stories together but it's just so damned noisy and busy it's difficult to tell what it's actually doing.  Within that there's really only Nacho Vigalondo's alternate dimension story that is memorable, with the others shorts are lost in nonsensical drivel that aren't scary, humorous or particularly original.  I guess I can count my luck stars that blechy Todd Lincoln's short was cut for unknown reasons.

1 hungry cloak out of 5

THE SCRIBBLER [2014]

Director John Suits adaptation of Daniel Schaefer's graphic novel The Scribbler is one of those films that is made with more passion than talent.
The story of a mentally disturbed young woman living in a bizarre alt. world psychiatric hospital tries to snuggle itself into something resembling a Frank Miller tale with it's gritty sex and violence.  If you're an "angry" 16-year-old emo-punk who loves reciting other people's anti-social monologues about hating society, being crazy, nasty Christians or this filthy humanity then this will be right down your alley.  If you're not into that juvenile sort of stuff then you're probably best leaving this one alone.  There's some great scene-chewing performances from it's "who's who of the nerd genre" cast and an exciting final act but it really isn't enough to make it worthwhile.

2 Suicide Suites out of 5

AUTOMATA [2014]

Writer/director Gabe Ibáñez's Automata can be best described as a mixture of Isaac Asimov's I, Robot theories and a drier version of Ridley Scott's Blade Runner aesthetics.
Like both worlds it can be compared to, Automata suffers greatly from it's lack of heart, where it could have heavily benefited from, inplace of it's lack of originality.  There's some interesting scenes set up and the second act is actually quite engaging but there's just so much wrong with it's logic everything else just seems to float on nothing.
Major flaws aside the film supplies some fine entertainment fluff for a boring Sunday afternoon but don't expect much more that.

3 nuclear batteries out of 5

WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES [2012]

Director Declan O'Brien returns for a third spin at the Wrong Turn series for the uninspired boringly titled fifth film, Bloodlines.
By now I've learned not to walk into these films with any expectations whatsoever and with any luck I'll leave unphased.  The opening scene promised more silly but entertaining humor to decorate it's wild kill scenes but beyond that it really sputtered out into something actually quite boring, cheap to look at and all in all just plain lazy.  It's supposed to be taking place at a incredibly popular music festival but the only people there literally seem to be the 8 victims and the 4 hillbilly cannibal dullards.
Even Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley can't save this one from wanting to gouge your eyes out and let the psychotic yokels take you out.

1 soccer field jamborees out of 5

Hercules and the Circle of Fire (1994)

Depending on which version of the myth you prefer, we may or may not have had fire before Prometheus brought it, so he's either a good guy or an opportunist thief. Either way, when a butt-hurt Hera takes it back it means no heat, light or ability to cook meat for a suffering mankind. Hercules, sympathetic and perhaps feeling a little guilty because it was his step-mom that extinguished it, makes it his mission to set the world right.
Anthony Quinn gets more screen time, which is always good, but movie number three isn't quite as much fun as the one that came before.

2½ negotiations out of 5

Get Carter (1971)

A London gangster, Jack Carter (Caine), goes north to Newcastle to take care of personal business. He and the City have history, so things don't go as smoothly as they could have. It's a slow, involved affair that threatens to go off at any time, but it's not without some humorous moments.
It's perhaps not as instantly likeable as either of Caine's other great works, Alfie (1966) and The Italian Job (1969), but it enables the actor to show just how powerful an anti-hero he could really be and it can sit comfortably beside those two classics without ever feeling inferior.

4 piss-holes in the snow out of 5

54 (1998)

Starstruck Shane O'Shea (with a name like that he could be Marvel’s own Captain Irish), a Jersey hopeful, wants more than the working class, suburban lifestyle his father provides for him; the ungrateful shit wants to mingle at Club 54, a place where the beautiful people are free to indulge their vices alongside the stars of stage and screen.
Music plays a big part, and is arguably the best part. The V/O, the characters and the story fail to meet the targets set by similar films.
The only real memorable elements were Mike Myers, who plays it straight even though his character isn't, and the aged Disco Dotty.

2 party favours out of 5

Hercules and the Lost Kingdom (1994)

The second Hercules movie follows the handsome hero as he goes on a legendary journey (see what I did there?) to find the city of Troy. But his jealous stepmom is on the rag again, so things won’t be plain sailing.
The social issue under review this time is slavery, both the kind that’s out in the open and the kind that rules our lives as individuals; i.e. the freedom of choice versus the controlling will of destiny.
Like Lucy Lawless did in the previous film, Renée O'Connor provides female support but not as her Xena character Gabrielle.

3 chains of Olympus out of 5

Garfield's Thanksgiving Special (1989)

The eleventh TV Special for the self-important, self-indulgent, sarcastic fat cat takes place on Thanksgiving (obviously), a day of traditional gorging and belts under stress. But, worst luck, the food situation in the Arbuckle house isn't entirely Garfield-friendly.
There’s not a single second of wasted dialogue or unnecessary footage weighing the story down, And the parts that seemed schmaltzy to me as a kid now resonate a lot more agreeably as an adult.

4 cruel streaks out of 5

Falling Down (1993)

Michael Douglas has had enough of traffic jams and heat waves; enough of the guy in front; enough of the screaming kids in the bus on the adjacent lane; enough of the bastard fly that’s buzzing inside his oven-like car with the crappy air-con as if it owns the place. Michael Douglas has had enough, period. It’s like having a paper cut the entire length of his body.
The character is an average Joe with a shorter fuse than most, but everyone should be able to relate to his pains on some level because we've all had a day go from bad to worse to cataclysmic.
Beneath the black humour is social commentary on how the little guy gets swallowed up by the system. It's more exciting than it sounds.

4 weapon upgrades out of 5

Katatonia: Last Fair Day Gone Night (2014)

The first disc has the full concert as featured on the album. It’s a long show, wherein they play the Last Fair Deal Gone Down (2001) album in its entirety. If you've seen the band live before, you’ll know what to expect.
The second disc is a documentary retrospective of their 20 year career presented chronologically. It’s informative, sure, but it lacks any kind of passion. It’s narrated in English by a few of the band members over pictures and archive footage. However, it seems as if it’s being read directly from a prearranged text, which makes it all very jejune and dry.

2½ hangovers out of 5

The Stepford Wives (2004)

It’s both a new adaptation of the Ira Levin novel (1972) and a remake of the previous filmed version (1975), but it does nothing to further or respect the underlying principles upon which either was based. It throws a few gay guys into the mix, an addition that could've really tipped the balance in a dramatic way, but they’re as farcical as the rest of it.
Nicole is a good actress, so why does she make shit like this? Still, it’s not the vilest, most wasteful and unrewarding thing she's ever been involved with, if you know what I mean.

0½ an energizer out of 5