Dil Se.. (1998)

Dil Se.. is a love story about two people on different paths who have a chance meeting at a train station, in the rain for extra dramatic effect. It's woven around a political situation that promises no happy ending, and yet happiness is just a song and dance away...
I've heard people say that Bollywood is unrealistic, that the all-singing, all-dancing protagonists are unnecessary, but I don't care. It is what it is and I like it. One of the happy songs got stuck in my head.  I can't shake it. I don't think I want to. No one does love stories quite like India. They're a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

4 safety measures ignored out of 5

Rag Tale (2005)

A showcase for everything that's wrong with modern camera techniques: wobble, zoom, tilt, skew, pan, zoom, skew, zoom zoom, obscured by a dirty coffee cup, zoom, zoom like a bitch, skew unnecessarily for 104 minutes.  Fuck off. It's unwatchable.

0 redeeming qualities out of 5

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

The first time I watched Repo I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The second time I watched it I began to like it for its uncompromising bat-shit craziness. With each subsequent viewing I fell even more hopelessly in love with it for the same reasons as the first and second time.
It’s the visual equivalent of a blood-soaked comic book found on the corpse of a Goth, post-car crash, lying by the roadside, found and filmed by a Terry Gilliam fan on his way to a Rocky Horror theatre production. It's a rock opera about... and... with... yea, that too. The trailer can do the work.

4 vultures guessing out of 5

Love & Distrust (2010)

Five shorts by one director, each exploring different sides of love and distrust. Well, that was the claim but it's hard to tell while watching, as they've almost nothing in common. Each one is different visually, and while some are just plain awful, the first one especially, some are heartfelt and almost entertaining. I kind of liked the Aussie one. I wouldn't want to watch it twice, but it passed the time until I was ready to go to sleep.

1½ moves to the give-away pile out of 5

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

The greatest Christmas special ever made. Good ol’ Charlie Brown is depressed about the overcommercialism of Christmas. He’s put in charge of directing the holiday play. He ends up buying a puny tree that nobody likes, everyone laughs at him and ridicules him. Linus waxes poetic on the true meaning of Christmas. Understanding, love, acceptance, the tree is born again. Until next year...

5 "The Doctor is Out" out of 5

Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)

Dr. Seuss + Chuck Jones + Boris Karloff = Pure Win. This undeniable children’s classic remains just as relevant every year. It’s one of those specials where you know what’s coming and you can anticipate every move, but it doesn't detract from its enjoyment at all. I forgot how much of The Nightmare Before Christmas was inspired by this. Seuss’ rhymes are fun and the moral of the story (Christmas is in our hearts, blah blah blah) is as pertinent as it was 45 years ago.

5 roast beasts out of 5

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Often imitated, never equaled. This classic, magical stopmotion piece also doubles as the greatest story of noncomformity ever told. From Rudolph being ostracized for having a light bulb nose, to Hermey the gay elf the elf who wants to be a dentist, to the poor misunderstood Abominable Snow Monster. It’s shocking how much of an asshole Santa Claus is in the former half of this special. But then, of course, necessity sometimes calls for a break in tradition… Wonder if Rudolph holds a grudge.

5 misfits out of 5

Frosty the Snowman (1969)

Happy Birthday! Pretty standard children’s classic, and a holiday staple. Frosty’s animated by a magical hat, goes on some joyrides, then is promptly executed by dawn’s light. But he’ll be back next Christmas day! This idea could easily be turned into a horror movie. Watch it for the memories, to relive some of that lost childhood, or share it with your kids if you got ‘em. Spawned a sequel some 20 years later entitled Frosty Returns (starring John Goodman) which was mostly awful.

4 corn-cob pipes out of 5

The Simpsons Christmas Special (1989)

AKA: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

As I recall, this was actually the very first episode of The Simpsons ever aired on TV. And what an auspicious debut it was! While it may seem dated by today’s standards, back in the day I remember this being incredible stuff. The animation seems cruder and primitive and the humor feels more innocent and wholesome; it’s hard to believe this came out 22 years ago. (Ugh.) If I were rating the entire first season, I would give it a 5 out of 5, but on its own as a standalone episode, I give it a hearty:

4 Santa's Helpers out of 5

Babylon 5: In the Beginning (1998)

The first and the best of the B5 TV movies. Set ten years before the TV Series, it tells the full story behind the Earth/Minbari war. Much of it has been revealed in snippets before, but seeing it like this, in flashback, told from the last days of [spoiler], makes it extra special. Fans will know what happens seconds after the credits roll; the narrator knows... he's always known.
Why is there no Mr Garibaldi? They could've made him a wig.

NOTE: Despite what the title suggests, this should NOT be watched before the series, it should be watched after the 5 years have finished.

5 minor continuity discrepancies out of 5

A Christmas Story (1983)

Poor Ralphie. All he wanted was that fucking Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. It's the story every kid can relate to: coveting something so badly and knowing you can't have it ("you'll shoot your eye out!"). So you try everything; you try to be good, you try to hint at it subtly, you even get over your fears and ask the department store Santa for it. Still, nothing. And then...sweet glory. Based on the (partially) autobiographical recountings of author Jean Shepherd and his family, this classic film is an essential part of anyone's Christmas viewing. I saved the best for last.

5 guilt-ridden fantasy sequences out of 5

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

The third installment in the Vacation series is also the quintessential standalone movie about staying home for the holidays. It covers all of the usual bases; putting up Christmas decorations, putting up with family, putting up with the stresses of work and bonuses and all the bullshit that goes along with it. It's one of those movies that grows with you year after year until it can do no wrong; it becomes perfect. One of the most laugh-out-loud funniest movies and enjoyable parts of the season, as far as I'm concerned. 

Chevy Chase's incredulous look at the end says it all: I did it.

5 Jelly of the Month Clubs out of 5

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

“…there’s nothing in nature that freezes your heart like years of being alone…”

Joyously sentimental. If this movie doesn't make you all blurry-eyed, you're a monster. Michael Caine is delightful as old Ebenezer and the songs on the soundtrack are perfect. This was the first post-Jim Henson Muppet movie made; Brian Henson's Muppets are kinder and cuddly and lack the edge of their previous incarnation, but it suits the subject matter of this movie just fine. Ironically, this is also probably one of the most faithful adaptations of Dickens ever made. I think it's my fate to become an old miser like Scrooge if things don't change for me soon...

4.5 crippled frogs out of 5

Note: The song, "When Love is Gone," cut from the original theatrical version and restored on VHS format, is again missing from the latest edition of the DVD. Make sure you obtain the right version.

Mandie and the Forgotten Christmas (2011)

Mandie is back and as terrible as ever in this sad excuse for a Christmas film. Most of the actors from the first two movies are replaced, and Mandie herself has been recast, but everyone is still completely incapable of acting. This is actually based on Mandie and the Forbidden Attic, but a Christmas plot was shoehorned in, presumably because they thought it would sell more DVDs.

The original story is one of the more dark and creepy Mandie tales, but they completely re-wrote it to the point of it no longer making sense. Generally speaking combining a privileged rich girl with a pretty awful tale of abuse and neglect isn't a good idea, but if the people making these movies had good ideas, they would probably know that movies are supposed to have things happen in them. At least my torture is done....for now.

0.5 ladies in bad wigs and girls in hideous hats out of 5.

Scrooged (1988)

This is not a perfect film. But it's a film I flock to year and year again, so that's got to count for something. Essentially Charles Dickens meets Beetlejuice, this modern adaptation of the oft-told tale is probably the most consistently watchable as a whole. It's also pretty damn dark to boot. Elfman's score is an integral part of the charm, but Bill Murray holds his own too, along with Carol Kane, Karen Allen and Bobcat Goldthwait. At its heart, it's the same story you've heard repeated year after year, but it's the one I'll always cherish the most.

4.5 taxi rides to hell out of 5