MY BLOODY VALENTINE [2009]

Patrick Lussier aims high in remaking the notorious Canadian cult classic slasher My Bloody Valentine in hilariously entertaining 3D.
The cast is lead by a pack of ageing youth TV series stars including Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith & Jaime King in an attempt to cash in on the modern teen slasher flick craze that's worn out it's welcome 10 years prior to this film.  With it's gratuitous nude scenes, overly played out kills, lame dialogue and wooden characters it feels exactly like a passionate ode to the slasher films of yesteryear and that's why it really isn't that good.
Fun but lacks any sort of innovation or sparks of inspiration.

2 heart-shaped boxes out of 5

HANNIBAL [2001]

Ten years after The Silence Of The Lambs, director Ridley Scott steps in for the second instalment in author Thomas Harris' Hannibal Lecter series, the lazily titled Hannibal.
Anthony Hopkins returns in the iconic role only now playing it for cheap one-liners making it seem more like a shallow and schlocky horror film rather than the inspired and thoughtful thriller of before.  Surprisingly, Julianne Moore does a fantastic job at filling Jodie Foster's shoes, who wisely declined to take part in this film.
While it has all sorts of great talents working for it, it seems more like a handful of world-class chefs making you a bowl of cereal for dinner and it's mostly Thomas Harris' shoddy source material to blame.  Instead of going for psychological character studies and thrills, it simply aims to go from Point A to B while sloppily grossing you out along the way.

2 little man-eating piggies out of 5

Species III (2004)

Maybe someone felt a need to tie up the loose ends of Species II (1998) or maybe they just decided that sci-fi horror fans are easy prey for this kind of shit. I'd put my money on the second option. Either way, this turd picks up the story from the exact point the previous film ended. It stumbles along just fine for a while, but then it begins to resemble a Buffy the Vampire Slayer script that didn't make the grade. We’re in teen horror movie territory. I want to go back home to adult world.

1 stolen ovum out of 5

A Sound of Thunder (2005)

That isn't the sound of thunder. It’s the sound of giant plot holes forming at an alarming rate. It's the sound of credibility being torn apart. It's the sound of a Ray Bradbury short story being stretched and twisted and filled with horse shit. It's the sound of failure.

1½ suicidal fish out of 5

The Electric Grandmother (1982)

I'm going to be treading on a lot of people’s childhood with this review, but have no fear, I'm a fan. It's based on Ray Bradbury's short story 'I Sing the Body Electric' from the book (1969) of the same name.
A family in need of love gets something that might fit the bill in the shape of Maureen Stapleton, but you can’t please all the people all of the time…
It’s a decent slice of sentimental Bradbury pie that will reacquaint you with your emotions and maybe even birth a tear or two in your eye.
It was also adapted into a Twilight Zone episode twenty years previously (S3 E35), but unfortunately I've not seen it yet.

3 inaudible noises out of 5

The Princess Blade (2001)

A 'reimagining' of Kazuo Koike's four volume manga, Shurayuki-hime, that places it in the not-too-distant future. It starts out okay but actress Yumiko Shaku is much too frail looking to be believable as the assassin Yuki and as it gets deeper into the story everything goes kind of limp.
Donnie Yen was responsible for the choreography and it shows; it's balletic stuff that resembles a high-octane Chinese action flick.
If you prefer your Japanese movies to be more subtle and traditional, then you may want to seek out the first Lady Snowblood film instead, Blizzard from the Netherworld (1973), for a vastly superior take on the same story.

1½ crunchy worms out of 5

Species II (1998)

A poorly received sequel to the poorly executed original that completely ignores the ending of the first film, which is something we all wished we could do. It brings back two of the lamest characters (Lenox and Baker) and attempts to offset their blankness by spicing things up with Natasha Henstridge in various states of undress.
There’s more depth to the story this time but the bulk of it is essentially a rewrite of the original. It’s pretty terrible, but it has some really great creature effects; the kind that the first film should’ve had.

2 natal nightmares out of 5

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM [2013]

When you've collected Peter Dinklage, Summer Glau, Danny Pudi and Ryan Kwanten in one film you know you're in for some nerdy genre cinema.
Holliston's Joe Lynch directs Knights Of Badassdom, a horror-flavored comedy about a bunch of goofs who accidentally summon a Hell demon while LARPing in the woods.  It's not quite as good as it could have been but neither is it as bad.  It's a blast to see the cast ham it up like this but unfortunately some of the dialogue is pretty bland and is in dire need of some sprucing up.
However if you know the difference between doom, sludge & black metal and have rolled a twenty-sided die more than once in your life  then this might be the film for you.

2½ Manowar covers without the muscles out of 5

HOT ROD [2007]

Inane comedies like director Akiva Schaffer's Andy Samberg vehicle Hot Rod are meant to be watched with your brain checked at the door.
Because it's written, directed & starring all three members of comedic musical act The Lonely Island it should give you an idea as to what sort of film you're getting yourself into.  It's not particularly smart, memorable or well-done but it supplies enough chuckles and guffaws to make it enjoyable enough.

2 Queens Of The Stone Age out of 5

Samaritan Girl (2004)

In life, some emotions grab us instantly, while some take longer to settle in. Samaritan Girl (aka Samaria) is like that. Parts of it will hit you and parts of it will wait for you. It’s a South Korean thriller about two school girls, best friends, each involved in a different aspect of prostitution. One of the girls is a blank mystery, but the other is crumbling under the weight of some complex emotions. There's an occasional shift in sympathies that adds depth to each of the protagonists. Composer Erik Satie’s ‘Trois Gymnopédies’ appears more than once and is the perfect accompaniment for the way Kim Ki-duk wants us to feel at those times.

3½ assumptions out of 5

The Misanthrope (2007)

Nocturno Culto’s film is part video diary and part documentary. It shows via imagery, without narration, just what it is about the architecture and environment of Norway that was instrumental in creating an atmosphere for Black Metal to emerge. It's honest, hypnotic, insightful and occasionally inspired. At heart, it captures the cold, ancient aspect of the beauty of nature that is, for me at least, what the music is really all about.

3 bloodworms out of 5

Branded to Kill (1967)

Some folks say that Seijun Suzuki was a rubbish filmmaker, but I'm not one of those people. BTK is a masterful slice of late 60s Yakuza chic as seen by the modernistic mind and surrealistic eye of the director. It’s an odd film packed to bursting point with personality. Suzuki’s framing is beautifully aligned and balanced, even when his crazy storytelling isn't.
It’s the tale of a hired killer, Hanada, who wants to be the number one assassin. If he doesn't screw up, all he needs to do is kill the current number one to claim the title. But who is it? Does he even exist?
Along the way he meets a beautiful female whose allure and thirst for death complicates matters exponentially. And then there's butterflies...

4 warm sniffs out of 5

GRAND PIANO [2013]

Grand Piano is director Eugenio Mira's almost successful attempt to create an effective Alfred Hitchcock-esque thriller, echoing that of The Man Who Knew Too Much glazed over with Brian DePalma's bite.
It follows the ridiculous idea of being held at gunpoint from afar while performing on stage at the symphony, an idea that reminded me of Phone Booth only with a little more elegance.  It's well-acted, has some intriguing camera-work and wow, the score by Victor Reyes is stunningly powerful but the film as a whole never quite gets as intense as it yearns to be.

2½ sharp C's out of 5

Panic Room (2002)

I had difficulty understanding why a single parent would need such a big house. It soon became clear: it was to enable David Fincher to swish and swoop his camera in some spectacular ways. The movement is the real star of the film, but I'm also a fan of Jodie Foster and Forest Whitaker, so those three together kept me entertained despite the relatively thin plot about a domestic burglary being stretched to breaking point.

3 stylish credits out of 5

MIENTRAS DUERMAS [2011]

aka Sleep Tight

Jaume Balagueró, co-director of the first two [REC] films, crafts Mientras Duermes into a most effective skin-crawling home invasion thriller.
In an unique twist, this home invasion film focuses on the mind of the invader instead of the victim making for a fascinating character piece that reminded me of the days of Peeping Tom, The Collector and Psycho.  On the surface it deals with the horrors of invading one's privacy but once you peel away the outer layer you'll discover all sorts of different types of fears explored within the story and it's cast of characters.

4 cockroach infestations out of 5