How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989)

Two heads are better than one, except when the other head is a vicious bastard. Richard E. Grant does what he does best: have a nervous breakdown in a very British way. The first half is comedy gold full of very quotable lines, but the second half not so much. The troubled wife’s party dress magically changing sides annoyed me.

3 pork pies, turnips and oven parts out of 5

Ultimate Avengers 2 (2006)

The super American heroes go into a country where they aren't wanted and start a war. They blow lots of stuff up as usual. Like real life. The story carries on from the first one (that I thought I'd Nutted but I seem to have forgot - oh, well). Absolute garbage.

1 big man, little woman out of 5

Butterfly and Sword (1993)

Aka: San Lau Sing Woo Dip Gim

Take some flying assassins, arms, legs and heads severed frequently, beautiful women and an awkward love triangle, add to giant pot and stir. The resulting mix has action galore but some very clumsy storytelling interspersed. It's an adaptation of a martial arts novel by Gu Long, but I've no idea how faithful it is. Best bit: a sword technique where the hero literally rips through the torso of an antagonist and comes out his back! Jebus wept! It’s brutal and hilarious all at the same time.

3 bamboo and bendy swords out of 5

THE CAPTAINS [2011]

This entertaining documentary (written and directed by Captain Kirk himself) follows Billy Shatner around the world as he intimately interviews all the different actors who sat in the captain's seat of each installment of the Star Trek franchise.
It's hilarious at times, while still managing to be engaging, touching and insightful as we learn a little more of the pressures and delights of portraying a Trek captain. It might be a little bit of a vanity project for Shatner's ego but it doesn't matter...he is The Shat and that's that.
The Captains may not be for everyone but a must-see for Trek fans.

3½ insane Sisko's out of 5

The Skin I Live In (2011)

The Skin I Live In is the sort of movie that's probably better the less you know about it, which makes it tricky to review. It's a strange, disturbing with some stunning cinematography (courtesy of José Luis Alcaine). It's not always pleasant to watch, and it's frequently flat-out uncomfortable, but it's absolutely compelling from start to finish.

I was enthralled by this film the entire time I was watching it, but I'm not sure I came away satisfied.  The ideas presented in the movie are fascinating, but neither they nor the film's characters were explored as deeply as I would've liked. It's based on a book, and I think I'd enjoy that more, even with the absence of beautiful visuals. However,  it's a movie worth watching as long as you're okay with the distressing subject matter.

4 body stockings out of 5.

A Chinese Ghost Story III (1991)

aka: Sien Lui Yau Wan III: Do Do Do

A new setting and new characters mean this is a sequel in name only; if they'd changed the title before release no one would've noticed. It’s still good and still worth watching. It has monks, tree demons, exploding people and all the cool shit we've come to expect from these kinds of films. It’s a good thing it ended here, though; there were bits of CGI creeping in and too much of that crap would've been a huge mistake.

3½ bitches and money are always trouble out of 5

A Chinese Ghost Story II (1990)

aka: Sien Nui Yau Wan II: Yan Gaan Do

If the first film made you grin then this, more of the same horror comedy kung fu nonsense with a travelling magical Buddhist monk added to the mix and the comedy level raised a little higher, will have the same effect.

It lacks the same level of emotional content as before, but when the swords start flying it's possible to forgive it for that.

3½ one thousand year old bugs out of 5

A Chinese Ghost Story (1987)

aka: Sien Nui Yau Wan 

If you like Tsui Hark films you’ll like ACGS. He's only producer, but it does everything he usually does and does it well. Night shoots, fire, low camera angles, wire work, swords, super jumps and general badassery. The finale is worth the price of admission alone. Add to that the wonderful Leslie Cheung and Joey Wong as the achingly beautiful ghost of the story and you've got a classic of the Wuxia comedy ghost story genre.

4 biggest damn tongue I ever did see out of 5

Onan (1963)

Magazines.
Hot metal.
Masturbation.
Self-loathing.
A giant man seed.
Huh? Japan. Ah...
16 mm avant-garde short.

2 Fuctifino out of 5

The Warriors (1979)

When you’re far from home and the shit gets real it’s best to have friends you can trust, but there’s always one guy that has to ruin things for everyone else and more often than not someone else has to pay the price.
It's a B-Movie that resembles a John Carpenter film at times, but if you can laugh at its many flaws it has a great deal of fun waiting to be discovered.
The Director’s Cut adds some unnecessary cartoon styled intertitles and an intro that was supposed to have Orson Welles but sadly doesn't.
See it before the inevitable soulless remake comes along.

4 rumbles on the way back to Coney out of 5

La Femme Qui Se Poudre (1972)

aka: The Woman Who Powders Herself

If David Lynch had filmed Sadako’s Ringu video it would come out something like this. It excites with stop motion, hand drawn animation, film grain, a lot of avant-garde wiggins in the second half and a haunting musical score that crawls under your skin and does a little dance on your nerve endings. Watch it in the dark for good times.

5 what the hell did I just watch? out of 5

Titicut Follies (1967)

The Massachusetts government tried to ban it and have all copies destroyed because it showed what went on inside the walls of a state run Correctional Institution for the criminally insane. In 1969 it was permitted to be shown to doctors, lawyers, judges, health-care professionals and social workers. The United States Supreme Court refused to hear the case for an appeal. 24 years later the US government lifted the ban so the general public could see it because they believed themselves far enough removed from their shame that they could pretend things are different now.

4 meals you'll eat or we'll make you eat out of 5

Citizen Kane (1941)

The rise of the reluctant millionaire, the titular Kane, set a permanent benchmark that Hollywood has struggled and mostly failed to reach ever since. I've no doubt that the assholes and wigs at Hollywood both love it and loathe it for the same reason. It's their pride and their albatross. It's still the finest début feature I've ever seen and is as enjoyable on the twentieth viewing as it was on the first. I could write a book on the things I love about it, but I won't because as every penniless film student knows there are more than enough of those available already.

5 regular crows out of 5

Aŝoka (2001)

aka: Aŝoka the Great / aka: Samrat Aŝoka

An Indian historical drama with a hefty dose of artistic licence thrown into its story. Shah Rukh Khan plays the legendary Emperor, who eventually ruled most of India, and as was often the case throughout the 90s and 00s he’s the best thing in the film. He's perfect as the dutiful son, the humble lover, the merciless leader, and the passionate traveller. It may seem like a long haul from start to finish if you're not familiar with the Bollywood formula, but by the time the credits roll parts of it'll be burned into your mind.

4 demonic swords out of 5

The Dead Zone (1983)

Johnny does a good deed and is punished for it. He goes to sleep.
His woman is a whore and does what women and whores do.
Johnny wakes and life is screwed up. He does another good deed...
It takes a great director to make a great film from a Stephen King book; Dead Zone is certainly one of the better ones. It has Christopher Walken on fine form. It's directed by David Cronenberg. It's a classic, imo.

4 lines of Poe out of 5

Educating Rita (1983)

Rita wants to escape her Liverpudlian working-class life, so she decides to do it by getting an education in English Lit. Her tutor Frank doesn't know what hit him until it’s too late. I love the play it was based on, and the screenplay was penned by the same person (Willy Russell), so it’s no surprise that I love this. It has a universal truth at its heart that makes me glad and sad at the same time. It breaks my heart and gives me the hope I need to stitch it back together.

4 pass the focking pheasant out of 5

Starman (1984)

Jeff Bridges leaves his alien planet (and presumably his record player) behind in order to answer a decades-old invitation to come to Earth. Whilst there, he acts as a mirror to our baser instincts. Along the way he learns practicalities and in return helps a widowed woman experience what it is to feel alive again, all to the sounds of a pleasing electronic score by Jack Nitzsche.
It's a sweet film that becomes more endearing after repeated viewings because there's a genuine sincerity to many of the players and the decisions they make (and Karen Allen has a voice that I could fall in love with).
I also like that I can squeeze it into my Dir. Carpenter theory (something inside trying to get out, etc), albeit in a less straightforward fashion.

3 magic fingers of 5

Withnail & I (1987)

London. 1969. Depressing and dank. No one wants to do the dishes in the sink. Two out of work actors live in a den of booze and self-pity. They decide to get away to the country for a new perspective, but things are never that simple with Withnail. Both Paul McGann and Richard E. Grant give the best performances of their careers as the boozing no-hopers on the verge of a meltdown. Misery is funny when it’s someone else’s. Classic British cult comedy. I've known a Withnail in real life. Hateful guy.

4 prancing like a tit out of 5

Police Story 4: First Strike (1996)

aka: Jackie Chan's First Strike / aka: First Strike

Jackie is chasing down a missing nuclear warhead in First Strike. The stunts are as inventive and as frantic as ever. Jackie uses his environment well, even picking up a stepladder to beat the crap out of guys in a warehouse, which might be fun to try the next time you need some decorating done.

My version was the insulting 80 mins western edition (Hong Kong version is 110 mins). Despite the missing footage (30 mins!) it was easy to follow.

3½ seal hats and rubber sharks out of 5

Police Story (1985)

No one can take a kick in the spools quite like Jackie Chan can; he's the undisputed King of the martial arts action/comedy. In the first of the Police Story films he's on the trail of a crime lord, which is really just a premise into which he can weave some wonderfully inventive action set pieces.
The plot has him playing nanny to a female suspect, which puts strain on his relationship with girlfriend May (Maggie Cheung), but the real joy is in watching Chan put himself through hell to nail the perfect action shot. The film contains some of his most famous (and dangerous) stunts, including a truly memorable and jaw-dropping leap in a Hong Kong shopping mall.

3½ heads through glass out of 5

Tekken : Blood Vengeance (2011)

This crap takes place between Tekken 5 and Tekken 6.
CGI. Fights. Up-skirt pubescent wank fantasy.

  

0 don't bring your panda to school out of 5

The Last Waltz (1978)

A documentary of the farewell performance from The Band in 1978. The quiet moments of band member interviews are intercut with some great performances onstage. Featuring a host of very talented special guests (Eric Clapton, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan, Emmylou Harris, Ronnie Hawkins, Dr. John, Joni Mitchell, Van Morrison, Ringo Starr, Muddy Waters, Ronnie Wood, Bobby Charles and Neil Young) and directed by Scorsese when he was still good, it's a document of a time long past. For old guys and people like me. Just old guys then, I suppose. :(

4 loads of fanny… off Annie out of 5

The Gate (1986)

Twelve-year-old Glen (Stephen Dorff) and his teenage sister (Christa Denton) are left in charge of the family home while their parents are away for the weekend. Glen and his Heavy Metal friend Terry (Louis Tripp) accidentally open a gateway to hell in Glen's back garden. We've all been there. Right?
I loved The Gate when I was a similar kind of twelve-year-old freak. But I'm not that age any more. The film has some neat stop-motion effects, but it was nostalgia more than anything else that kept me watching. It's not terrible but it hasn't aged well, which is something that it and I do still have in common.

2½ moth shadows out of 5

Women in Love (1969)

Two sisters and two men become intertwined in each other’s lives and the nature of love and commitment is explored from a number of different perspectives. All four of the main cast are on top form.
It gets a little flabby three quarters of the way in but not enough to warrant a press of the FFWD button. Very British. Very good.

4 fireside struggles out of 5

Ab-normal Beauty (2004)

Aka: Sei mong se jun

Art student gets bored being pretentious and snobbish while photographing birds and buildings, so finds a morbid subject matter to get her jollies. For a brief moment it gets interesting, but plummets into stylised torture-porn bullshit that made me yearn for the birds and buildings again, at least they had hidden depths.

0 no, I don't care about your shitty art out of 5