A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

I've seen some shitty vampire films in my time but this takes the cake. It’s the story of a heartless father and his chip off the old block son, both of whom end up in the titular Maine town that's now completely overrun with vampires. Everything, I do mean everything, acting, editing, music, etc, is appalling, or possibly hilarious depending on your level of sobriety.

0½ a cow-tip out of 5

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

I wasn't a big fan of T2 at release and revisiting it now after not seeing it for about 15 years hasn't changed that. The kid, the awkward action-mom role, the softening of Arnie’s Terminator and the lack of menace from the pursuing T1000 are even more apparent to me now than they were back in the day.
Most of the additional scenes in the 'Ultimate Edition,' thankfully documented in the accompanying booklet, aren't very interesting.
In its favour, Arnie’s shotgun reloading technique is excellent and the percussion heavy music is as effective as it always was.
It was surprising to see the surrogate father figure aspect not overplayed, because, as we all surely know, Cameron isn't known for his restraint.

3 speeding trucks out of 5

Zatoichi's Pilgrimage (1966)

The blind swordsman’s 14th film continues to explore the self-analysis theme of the previous adventure. Ichi wants to be free of killing. He wants a path of non-violence and is fully prepared to pilgrimage to find it.
It’ll be no surprise to anyone that the request is followed by bloodshed and difficult solutions. In such matters his timing is impeccable.
It raises a number of philosophical questions. Can violence be justified when the innocent are suffering? Does doing nothing make us guilty?
The camera takes an occasional dramatic stance, but mostly it’s watchful, seeking out openness and sincerity of character.
It's an unusual entry, but one that really shouldn't be overlooked.

3½ closed shutters out of 5

Wanted (2008)

Even if you’re willing to accept that skilled assassins can bend bullet trajectories, the level of bullshit in every other aspect of Wanted is off the scale. If you stacked it up, it'd rival Everest.
I tried to bend the trajectory of the DVD as I flung it out my window. I failed. I’d forgotten to be part of a training montage beforehand.

1½ threads out of 5

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

A remake of TDtESS (1951) wasn't needed, but the underlying message is still pertinent, so there’s some justification for it.
Many of the same elements are in place, but most are approached from a different perspective; some are even inverted. The changes in the first hour were good, taking into account the progressions in technology and giving the film more urgency than its predecessor.
I was expecting scenes of a CGI Gort laying waste to over-familiar parts of America, but, mercifully, Gort was used only when needed. The focus is on Klaatu and his relationship with his surroundings, as it ought to be.

2½ obstacles out of 5

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

Amid the giant crabs and attacking UFOs, post-war sci-fi in the 1950s produced some genuine classics. TDtESS is one of the best.
The intelligent script covers a wide spectrum of concerns. The contrasts between the military response and the scientific one (i.e. between men of war and men of science) couldn't be clearer. Alongside that are more subtle but no less powerful parallels, including an evil among us that looks like us and a determined saviour with a message for the entire world.
Bernard Herrmann’s futuristic-sounding score, using electric strings and the wacky theremin, echoes the eeriness of another world.

4 homeland insecurities out of 5

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

Alan, the selfish, wormy git finds himself in the thick of it when an ex-employee at the North Norfolk radio station gets a gun and goes a bit mad.
Most comedies tend to lose momentum after about 50-60 minutes when the gags peter out, but Alpha Papa keeps them on target for about 90% of the running time. The social awkwardness provides chuckles, but the real treasure is the razor-sharp wordplay. It's the smartest, funniest thing I've seen in a very long time. If I'd had a full bladder, I'd have pissed myself.

3½ scoops of radio gravy out of 5

L'éden et Après (1970)

aka Eden and After / Oltre L'Eden

The 'plot' of Alain Robbe-Grillet's first colour film is revealed gradually but not before he sets a visual and conceptual precedent of timeless beauty wherein clarity is subservient to implied meaning. The Café Eden, in which the people spend a lot of their time, is a Piet Mondrian painting brought to life. The filming technique within that space is astonishing. Each time I was on the verge of tiring of the game a timely change occurred making everything fascinating again. It's a Left Bank masterpiece of vibrant colour and perfect lighting. Anyone unfamiliar with French cinema prior to watching will be in for a shock or a treat depending on their individual likes and dislikes. If you enjoy L'éden et Après, you may want to seek out N. a Pris les Dés... (1971) next.

4 faces, objects, gestures out of 5

Godzilla (1954)

The monarch of kaijū eiga is a force to be reckoned with and is more than just an excuse to have a guy in a rubber suit trash tiny models. You don’t need to be a history scholar to pick out the wartime parallels: nuclear weapons testing in the Pacific, irradiated wells and footfalls that sound like distant bombs impacting and exploding are all highlighted.
The film is cleverly constructed so that even when forced to take the role of the aggressor the Japanese people don’t cease being victims.
All of that, and more, make it both culturally significant and cinematically more interesting than many of the sequels and the dozens of clones that followed over the years.

4 warning bells out of 5

Millennium (1989)

A devastating plane crash leaves dedicated NTSB investigator Bill Smith with a mystery to solve. Was it the result of human error or a computer malfunction? To further complicate matters a second mystery walks into his life, but that one walks on high heels.
It takes a while to surface, but when it does the science fiction in Millennium doesn't hold back. Some very intriguing ideas share airspace with wild concepts and the film, from the director of Logan’s Run (1976), seemed as if it would be another classic. The final two minutes are stupid and put paid to that idea, but everything prior to it is quality.

3 late arrivals out of 5

Mortal Kombat: Rebirth (2010)

A short that places half a dozen MK characters in a more real world setting than they usually inhabit. Introductions are in the form of police profiles.
Devoted game fans may grumble at some of the changes made to combatants, but it's not something I cared much about.
Someone in high places obviously liked it, because the director (Kevin Tancharoen) and some of the cast went on to make the similarly moody Mortal Kombat: Legacy web series the following year.

3 cold cuts out of 5

Knowing (2009)

Nic Cage didn't fuck this one up; the writers did it before he got there.
It’s a sci-fi/disaster movie that attempts to do something different but only succeeds in dragging its corpse through an uncultivated field of ideas for two hours. A determinism Vs randomness aspect is tacked on in an attempt to deepen the not very interesting mystery.
I got the feeling that it was striving to give the viewer food for thought, but if you take that bait and think about the logic of events for even a second the whole thing comes crashing down. Even Shyamalan would balk.

1½ whisper people out of 5

Space Milkshake (2012)

I keep falling into the trap of 'it can’t be as shit as the cover implies,' but it almost always is.
Four workers on a sanitation space station (ie. garbage collectors) get into trouble when they succumb to greed. It's like a Canadian version of Brit sitcom Red Dwarf but with much less of the funny. The small cast do their best, but the lack of belly laughs in the script is a problem.
Special mention and kudos awarded for the old school creature effects.

2 duck tentacles out of 5

Looker (1981)

Shallow, narcissistic bitches want all the attention but then complain when they get a mustachioed stalker; there's no pleasing some folks~. All jokes aside, he's not a typical creepy stalker - he’s a hired killer.
The application of wild technology and industry for nefarious purposes is something Michael Crichton has explored before, but he takes risks as a director, so I was happy to stick it out even when things got silly.
The film resembles Westworld (1973) in places, but that’s no bad thing.
Most of the best moments are accompanied by an extremely effective, tension-building Barry De Vorzon score.

3 misplaced things out of 5

The Fruits of Passion (1981)

Fruits is a strange film. It's loosely based on Pauline Réage's novel Retour à Roissy (1969), a sequel to Story of O (1954). Sir Stephen (Kinski, being weird as usual) places O in a Shanghai brothel. His reasoning is that by enduring explicit sexual and emotional humiliations, while he enjoys as many pleasures, the sensitive O will be able to prove her devotion to him.
The dedication of the two leads can’t be faulted, but the film is memorable due more to the beauty of the surrounding environment. It's striking and unusual, paintings fill spaces you wouldn't normally expect to see paintings hanging. Quite often it feels as if the camera is exploring the beginnings of a drug-induced dream.

3 house rules out of 5

The Story of O (1975)

TSoO boasts lush lighting and seductive music but has very little else to recommend. The pace and the people were dull. Most of the cast looked almost as bored as I felt after just half an hour.

O’s lover puts her into what resembles a sadomasochistic finishing school for women who believe that subservience is an act of love, overseen by men who think ownership of the always-available students will somehow be beneficial to both. Whilst there she gets chained, blindfolded, whipped, fucked and degraded by self-important pricks. Tedium ensues.

1½ identifying marks out of 5

Meet Monica Velour (2010)

Tobe Hulbert is in love with adult film star Monica Velour, but it’s a love with complications because the fantasy and the reality are separated by time. Tobe is in his late teens. Monica made her movies thirty years ago.
A masturbating, peeping Tom teen and a forty-nine-year-old ex-porn star have very little common ground on the surface, but MMV is an indie that grabs hold of the aphorism 'Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder' and runs headlong with it until the surface peels away to reveal hidden depths.

3 kinds of junk out of 5

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

SiLT was released in the early 90s but it’s firmly rooted in the 80s action movie genre. The music is awful and the atmosphere is non-existent when the music is absent. I’m not sure which I liked the least.
Brandon acts like a wet behind the ears am-dram hopeful.
Dolph fares better. He’s a street savvy, tough as nails cop who only has to walk toward glass for it to shatter. Together the two men go buddy-cop to take on the Yakuza in a Japanese district of L.A.
The highlight of the whole sorry affair is Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who somehow manages to be good in everything no matter how shit it is.

1½ claws out of 5

Jack Irish: Black Tide (2012)

Jack’s still juggling more than one job and more than his fair share of personal demons in the second film based on Peter Temple’s books.
Most of the primary cast return. I was glad to see Aaron Pedersen there, but he didn't get as much to do as he did in Bad Debts (2012).
The story is made up of many little threads that don’t seem to want to weave together properly, but the dialogue is even better than before and almost every action Jack takes deepens the character, so it remains entertaining even when it gets confusing.

3 photographs out of 5

Android (1982)

Low budget sci-fi that takes place on-board an almost abandoned space station, within which a doctor carries out illegal experiments on artificial life. His aide is a naïve android named Max.
The colourful sets are odd but they’re favourable to the usual boring 'futuristic' moulded white panelling that we usually see.
Max 404 is Don Opper. Don's such a likeable guy that even when he’s doing things he ought not to be we’re cheering him on. His ability to effectively display the inner-workings of the mind via gestures and facial expressions makes him a star in my book.

3 dolls out of 5

Star Trek: The Captains' Summit (2009)

William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes gather in the same room to discuss Star Trek. It’s hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, who draws out the anecdotes with occasional questions. It’s very friendly with no clash of egos but also mostly pointless. I guess people that get a kick out of this kind of thing at conventions may like it.
The Shat steals the show with his charm and wit. He’s a bona fide legend.

2 tenures out of 5

Whole Lotta Sole (2012)

aka Stand Off (in North America)

Desperate Jimmy robs the local fish market because like all good cock-ups it seemed a good idea at the time. He’s robbing Peter to pay Paul, except Peter is Paul. The words ‘Shit Creek’ and ‘Paddle’ come to mind.
It’s a comedy of errors set in Belfast, Northern Ireland, that takes a siege scenario and works hard to make it both comedic and heartfelt.
It's an entertaining adventure, but I don’t think it’ll attract much of an audience outside of the UK and Éire. But, hey, stranger things have happened…usually involving pikeys.

2½ peelers in the chippy out of 5

Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt (2003)

A villainous cad steals the original 1960s Batmobile, so Adam West and Burt Ward, not as the dynamic duo Batman and Robin but as actual Adam and Burt, attempt to retrieve it. Things get weird(er) after that.
The film serves as a kind of history of the show and a biopic of the cast. It’s impossible to know how much events have been embellished or where the truth is overlapped by fiction. It could've been a disastrous attempt to capture past glories, but the addition of some old style TV show transitions, occasional skewed camera angles and iconic music make everything feel lovingly camp, turning danger into success.

3 character flaws out of 5

Painkiller Jane (2005)

Special Ops Captain Jane Browning develops regenerative powers and heightened abilities that make her an even better soldier.
We've been swamped with more than enough comic books, novels, crap films and TV shows with a similar premise. The only real difference is PJ has Emmanuelle Vaugier, who can do better given half a chance.

1½ bleeding orifices out of 5

Outside Bet (2012)

A group of South London pub pals dream of having the prestige and profit that owning a racehorse brings. When the opportunity comes along, their lives are thrown into turmoil as they struggle to act upon it.
Unfortunately, the turmoil isn't very exciting. There’s a colourful cast of characters, but, with one or two exceptions, they never grab hold of viewer sympathies tightly enough to make you care if they succeed or not.
The banter is fun, though; it’s the kind of thing you’d actually overhear in a British pub as you stagger pie-eyed to the pisser.

2 chances out of 5

Parked (2010)

Fred Daly lives in his car. He has a quiet spot next to a street lamp in a car park on the coast of Dublin. Life is difficult but reassuringly routine until a junkie turns up, parks next to him and shatters Fred’s solitude.
It’s one of those films that puts two strangers together and watches intently as they each begin to affect the other.
As usual, the journey is more important than the destination and the people are more important than the setting. Colm Meaney is always good in urban drama, but it was a surprise to see how well Colin Morgan did; he upped his game and held his own admirably in a challenging role.

3½ nudges out of 5

California Scheming (2014)

Three teenagers in Malibu are manipulated by a fourth, Chloe, whose independence and fascination with self-destruction lead them into previously unexplored dark and shady areas of life.
I liked it for its restraint and the fact that it didn't descend into crap teen movie after the first twenty minutes. Instead, it walked a sharp line of maybes and half-measures that’ll have the majority of horror fans yawning.
It wouldn't be even half as good as it is without the ambient music that effectively gives everything an almost constant edge.
Claudia Christian has the best role she’s had in a very long time, perhaps ever; it’s unfortunate that her part is so brief.

3 more yards out of 5

Jack Irish: Bad Debts (2012)

Guy Pearce plays the titular Jack, who’s Australian not Irish. He was once a well-adjusted criminal lawyer, but a tragic event changed his life forever. Now he’s a part-time private investigator and debt collector living from day to day off his wits. Aspects of an old case that didn't end well resurface and Jack gets dragged back into the murkiness.
I've not read the novels of Peter Temple on which the film is based, but that didn't stop me enjoying the story or the character, partly because I love the Aussie attitude. They don’t mince words.
Fans of TV detectives and sharp dialogue shouldn't be disappointed.

3 red right hands out of 5

El Gringo (2012)

A tough guy with a bag full of money gets stuck in a dusty Mexican town full of people who want the bag. You can guess the rest.
Flashbacks flesh out the hero’s past and introduce some extra players.
It’s similar to Robert Rodriguez's Mexico Trilogy, but the horrible, exaggerated glare of the sun bleaches everything ugly, making even the interesting scenes a struggle to endure. Plus, it’s too long. It's a low budget film and it feels as if whoever assembled it wanted to use every inch of footage they could. A more discerning editor could've shaved twenty minutes off the running time to the film's betterment.

2 stray dogs out of 5

Akira Kurosawa's Dreams (1990)

Eight short stories inspired by Kurosawa's dreams. There's a recurring nature theme, but otherwise they appear to be unconnected. The painterly use of colour is spellbinding and the music is emotionally stirring. The end result is a thing of self-indulgent beauty, but the openness and lack of conventional narrative structure will disappoint anyone hoping for a traditional film.
The elusive nature of the source is retained. Each is like a fragment of a larger whole, but even a sliver of mirror can reflect what it sees.
My favourite was the final entry, Village of the Watermills; the idyllic setting and feeling of harmony was uplifting.

3½ sunshowers out of 5

Bayonetta: Bloody Fate (2013)

No one asked if there would ever be a Bayonetta anime; they asked how long it would take before one appeared. It took over three years.
Everything from the game you'd expect to see is in place: guns, heels, unashamed innuendo, frantic battles and esoteric religious iconography.
Studio Gonzo opted to give the angel-killing Umbra Witch an old school makeover. It lovingly resembles an anime made in the 90s, replete with washed-out colour scheme. It follows the story of the game, so if you’re a Bayonetta virgin think carefully about which medium you’d prefer to experience it on first, because the story is the weakest part.

2½ modesty hairs out of 5

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

While The Next Generation was kicking ass on TV, The Original Series returned to the big screen for one last hurrah. And it went out in style. From the dramatic opening to the bitter-sweet ending it rarely puts a booted-foot wrong. I don't understand why it often gets overlooked by so many people.
Thematically, the film is darker than Star Trek often dared to go. The optimism is still evident but it's bullied by heavy political issues, prejudices and ingrained racism, all of which are dissected and put under a microscope.
It's not all cold war parallels and gloom, though. Amid the many tensions are some light-hearted moments to remind us that the light of life needs all colours of the spectrum if it's to be fully enjoyed.

4 architects out of 5

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

It's new challenges time and a new ship for the old crew. There's a problem in the Neutral Zone (again) and only Captian Kirk can sort it out. Why only Kirk? Because he's William Shatner, of course. And he's now also the film's director.
The story touches on philosophical and theistic concerns; and by avoiding delving too deeply into either it adds food for thought without risking offending all but perhaps the most religiously-sensitive viewer. But, alas, as it goes on the cracks begin to show in the script and besides a few excellent character scenes, and some decent comedic moments, it lacks a crucial spark.
Budget cuts forced the planned earth-shaking finale to be abandoned. Far from being apocalyptic, it instead has the explosive power of a warm shart.

2½ secret pains out of 5

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

During a return voyage to face the music after stealing the Federation’s flagship, the close-knit group find themselves in temporal trouble.
TVH has its detractors, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures. There's something absurdly entertaining in seeing the ship's crew wander around San Francisco like a retirement home science club on a field trip. The comedy isn't targeted specifically at fans, but they’ll get more out of it than a casual viewer.
Depending on your disposition, you can think of it as a Trek movie with an ecological message or an ecological message movie with some Trek. Both viewpoints work and both are equally as effective.

3½ nuclear wessels out of 5

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Star Trek II, III and IV are a trilogy telling one story. This middle section explores the benefits of friendship and the burden of responsibility. Much of it works well, but the consequences aren't as weighty as they ought to have been. Couple that with the continuing biblical references, with parallels so overt that they're like a slap in the face, and you have a middle film that could've been so much more if it had only dared to try.
As before, the established relationships between the crew is the glue that holds everything together. The camaraderie and overriding concern they share makes even the most superfluous scenes feel more like the TV series than either of the preceding films. That's enough to keep me happy.

3 ongoing missions out of 5

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

This is more like it! TWoK uses the Kirk, Spock and Bones triumvirate as a strong foundation to heap danger and tragedy atop. The story recognises that the steadfast closeness of the Star Trek family is its greatest strength. And furthermore, on the receiving end is an enemy that can be understood.
A man consumed by vengeance should be fearsome. Khan Noonien Singh may resemble an ageing rock star, but Mexican actor Ricardo Montalbán tapped into what gave the character purpose and brought it to the surface; you can almost feel the burning hatred for Kirk emanating from the screen in his best scenes. The Melville parallels strengthen it even more.

4 good words out of 5

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

Often referred to as 'The Motionless Picture' affectionately by fans, and from the opposite view point by haters, Alan Dean Foster's final draft (screenplay by Harold Livingston) forgets that it's supposed to be Star Trek. Instead, it opts for cold, clinical sci-fi that would work better if it was half the length and didn't have the expectations that a film with the Enterprise crew carries.
The amusing name change isn't just a clever play on words, it's an apt description of the pace at which the snooze-fest moves. With too many meandering establishing shots, it's the dullest 132 minutes that I've ever spent in the TOS universe. A cubic inch of empty space contains more atmosphere.

1½ pho…tohn…tohr…pee…dohs out of 5

Zatoichi's Vengeance (1966)

The blind swordsman’s 13th film brings us to the halfway point of the original series. It's a good time to offer up some introspection. As a catalyst for that, Ichi’s tasked with fulfilling a dying man’s wish. It isn't a new idea, but along the way he meets a blind biwa playing priest who questions the severity of the swordsman’s methods. The perspective makes Ichi more acutely aware of the consequences of his actions.
It was Dir. Tokuzô Tanaka’s third entry and he performed just as well as he had on the previous two. The sense of foreboding and the comedy that exists within it are well-balanced.

3½ sightless insights out of 5

Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)

A sequel to The Blue Lagoon (1980) that contradicts the ending of the previous film and then rolls out essentially the same plot all over again.
The kids get life lessons from a Christian. Good job, lady. The Lord’s Prayer will be a great help if they begin dying of starvation and pneumonia.
It says on IMDB that Milla Jovovich considers it her worst movie. She must not have seen the Resident Evil movies yet.

2 painted eggs out of 5