Dog Man (2025)

This is the darkest premise for a kid's movie yet. After surviving an explosion, a man's body is stitched to his dog's head and that somehow makes him a superhero. It sidesteps all the uncomfortable questions: How do all the motor functions work? Who is actually in control, the man or the dog? Why does he sometimes seem intelligent, and other times he's just a dog? Does the man's soul exist trapped within the mind of a dog? He appears to exist in some kind of Orwellian nightmare where he's less than human. But the film never lingers on the horrifying details. I kept getting caught up in the logistics of this world, such as, why do all the cats talk, but the dog can't (not even as a "dog man")?

It's a highly ambitious attempt to establish a new IP, if not frankly exhausting. 

1½ Flippy ki-yay flippy-flippers out of 5

Paddington in Peru (2024)

After his aunt goes missing in Peru, Paddington must go back home to find her, as he gets mixed up with nuns and a riverboat captain on a quest to find El Dorado. If you're a fan of the others, it'll give you what you're looking for, but I didn't find myself as invested as the first two films and it hardly got an emotional response out of me. Most of the fun comes from Antonio Banderas as this entry's villainous lead. It's a cute adventure and the jungle scenery definitely pops on the big screen, but it's diminishing returns at this point.

2½ passport photos out of 5

Note: Emily Mortimer takes over the role of Mrs. Brown from Sally Hawkins, which probably accounts for why it feels so uneven compared to the others.

Paddington 2 (2017)

Paddington's second foray on the big screen picks up not long after the first film. Having fully integrated with his new found family, the titular talking bear takes up a series of odd jobs and is framed for a crime he didn't commit. This time around, Hugh Grant portrays the big bad as a clever master of disguise.

People seem to consider this one superior to the original (due to its 100% "fresh" score and a running gag in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent), but it feels like a much more derivative family film and much less "grounded" in reality. While the humor and warmth is consistent and it remains wholesome and charming, it was massively overhyped for me compared to the original.

3 pop-up books out of 5

Paddington (2014)

An extremely charming British film based on the children's book series of the same name. A talking bear in a red bucket hat and rain slicker migrates from the jungles of Peru to a London railway station where he is discovered and subsequently taken in by the Brown family. What follows is essentially a fish out of water story where Paddington attempts to assimilate with urban life, while trying to avoid a tricky taxidermist (played by Nicole Kidman) looking for her next trophy. It's a heartwarming family film that's perfect for kids of all ages and manages to get the characterization of the books right.

3½ marmalade sandwiches out of 5

The Unbreakable Boy (2025)

"Feel good" movies don't usually work on me and end up having the opposite intended effect, and this one was no different. Based on a true story, a man with a touch of autism meets a woman with a rare brittle bone disease, and—surprise, surprise—their offspring inherits the worst of both worlds. This story is more about the parents than the poor kid himself, who remains positive and upbeat despite the hand he's been dealt. As with most "inspirational" type stories, they have to slip in an unnecessary churchy message just to drive their point home, which the film definitely could have done without. It ends up being another predictably plotted movie and reason #1109 not to have kids.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the prequel to Unbreakable I was promised.

2 jester hats out of 5

Brave the Dark (2023)

Every once in awhile, I'll get roped into seeing one of these Angel Studios productions, which basically releases "inspirational" films with a religious bent. Their output typically ranges from "meh" to "double-meh." This one involves a high school teacher who takes an interest in an orphaned student with a troubled past. It all feels very by the numbers; almost like a made-for-TV melodrama that somehow got released into theaters. It's not too far off from other stories of influential teaching figures, whether it's Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting (hell, anything with Robin Williams passes muster). What we're presented with here is the true story of Stan Deen, an incredibly patient man who helps his pupil to overcome his past difficulties by showing kindness, mercy and understanding. It's not a bad message, it's just the type of cliché bullshit you’ve seen one too many times before.

"This 2 shall pass" out of 5

Flight Risk (2025)

A mob informant and possible flight risk is transported via a small private aircraft by a U.S. Marshal and a pilot when things quickly go sideways. It sounds a bit like Con Air, but it's a much smaller story where all the action takes place entirely on the plane. Director Mel Gibson's thriller is occasionally exhilarating and satisfying, if not predictable and by the numbers. If you have no prior expectations going into it, you might find enough to enjoy in it. 

2½ Indian tech support guys out of 5

Back in Action (2025)

A formulaic action comedy about a married retired spy couple who try to keep their perilous past hidden from their kids. You get the sense they were aiming for something cool and sexy like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but it's all so boring and safe and insultingly predictable. Cameron Diaz came out of "retirement" after a decade in order to star in this shitty Netflix vehicle with Jamie Foxx, but instead delivered an early contender for worst film of the year.

0 petrol pump flame throwers out of 5

Kinda Pregnant (2025)

A single woman in her 40s, obsessed with having a baby since she was a kid, decides to roleplay by wearing a fake baby bump. It's a paper thin premise in which she leads a secret double life reaping the benefits of such newfound attention, with the predictable outcome and consequences. I hate how shallow and formulaic this stuff is, but the insult to injury is the fact that the romantic angle between Amy Schumer and Will Forte is not believable at all. It seems to be a woman's fantasy of what modern love should be, with the man acting docile, subservient and not questioning any of the stupidity that happens in this film. It's an insult to brain cells everywhere.

1 belly flop out of 5

You're Cordially Invited (2025)

Two families book the same island retreat for a wedding weekend and hijinks ensue. One half of the wedding party is young and hip, while the other is older and stuffy, so the sparks fly when they get together. The story isn't very deep, but everyone is so sweet and good-natured, you don't really mind so much. I laughed out loud a lot, which is really all that counts when it comes to a comedy. I kept trying to poke holes in the flimsy plot, but it ultimately won me over with its charming performances. It's not a great movie by any means, but there are a lot of fun moments that tie it all together. It's one of those movies I'm sure I would have enjoyed even more if I wasn't watching it alone.

Also, I spent this entire movie thinking that Meredith Hagner was Kate Hudson.

3 inappropriate daddy-daughter duets out of 5

Will & Harper (2024)

The true story of Will Ferrell's longtime friend and SNL writer Andrew Steele and how she became Harper Steele, as they embark on a cross-country road trip to reacquaint themselves. This film treats its subject very sensitively and presents a candid and compassionate look at the situation, particularly how Will relates to someone he's known all his life, who now presents as someone different. Driving across middle America, stopping off at greasy diners and sporting events, the most unpredictable moments come when other strangers remark upon the situation and that's when the uncomfortable truths come out. Will acts as a support system who runs interference during these difficult times by just being a good friend. More than anything, it serves as a testament to friendship, empathy and lending a sympathetic ear to those in need. Of course, it always helps when your friend is a world renowned celebrity.

3 cans of Pringles out of 5

Young Werther (2024)

The Sorrows of Young Werther was a 1774 text by Goethe based on my life. What would it look like as a modern reinterpretation? Unfortunately, this piece of shit. It reshapes the tragic story as an incredibly lame and conventional rom-com about a self-involved Lothario who has his eyes on a woman who is already engaged to the "perfect" guy. I had often thought about penning this adaptation, but getting the actual characterization right. As the quintessential novel about unrequited love, they completely botched it from start to finish.

1 linden tree that smells like lukewarm ejaculate out of 5

Parthenope (2024)

"It is impossible to be happy in the most beautiful place in the world."

A disarmingly beautiful woman, named after the city of Naples, charms every man she comes across, as she moves adrift through life, becoming aloof to its wonder and beauty. Director Paolo Sorrentino (The Great Beauty, Youth) seems to have a particular affinity for this subject, which I cannot blame him for. Beauty permeates every frame of this film. This movie, much like its heroine, is beautiful and vapid. Sometimes that's just enough to squeak by, but the result is merely skin deep.

2 definitions of anthropology out of 5

Love Me (2024)

These are the kinds of movies I live for. Following the extinction of all life on Earth, a S.M.A.R.T. buoy floating in the ocean communicates with an orbiting satellite as they attempt to decipher the mysteries of life and love through digital recreation. In particular, they reconstruct one couple's social media presence through avatars resembling Kristen Stewart and Steven Yeun. It's a beautiful, esoteric kind of love story where you come at your own meaning.

3½ laughing babies out of 5

Heart Eyes (2025)

Valentine's Day is no stranger to slashers, whether it's My Bloody Valentine (1981) or Valentine (2001) or the My Bloody Valentine remake...and, um...well, that's about it. After a meet cute gone wrong, a woman and a man are chased by a masked killer inspired by the popular emoji whose M.O. involves targeting couples for some reason. It's a mishmash of horror and romantic comedy, but doesn't quite succeed at either. There's not really much more to it, so this nut will be as low effort as the film.

2 metal straws out of 5

Love Hurts (2025)

A friendly real estate agent with a dark secret is reluctantly pulled into a world of murder and intrigue when the past comes catching up with him. This was Ke Huy Quan's first leading man role after winning best supporting actor for Everything Everywhere All at Once, so expectations were sky high, but unfortunately, this was a waste of all talents involved. It's a violent action-comedy that ends up feeling like Jackie Chan Lite. I just wasn't feeling it at all.

1½ candy hearts out of 5

The Brutalist (2024)

A Hungarian architect displaced by the war struggles to make the American dream when he comes upon a wealthy family looking to commission an ambitious project. This is an incredibly gripping drama for sure, but for a nearly four hour epic, I almost wish I came away with a better understanding of the characters and themes. It all feels like a hodge-podge of ideas at times. I didn't experience any grand epiphany or an intimate sense of character; it's more about the hardships and the massive undertaking at the center of it. While it's not necessarily what I was expecting, there's no denying the quality of the craft involved: Adrien Brody and Felicity Jones are at the top of their game, Brady Corbet's direction feels assured, and the stark score by Daniel Blumberg is apropos. Also, I'm proud of myself for making it to intermission without needing to take a pee break. It certainly gives you plenty to think about in the margins.

4 unfulfilled handjobs out of 5

Nickel Boys (2024)

A historical drama that puts us directly in the shoes of two young black men, Elwood and Turner, in 1960s Jim Crow era Florida. This film is unique because it's told completely in first-person perspective as we jump back and forth between these two pupils of Nickel Academy reform school, which forces the viewer to experience firsthand the corruption and casual cruelty on display. As always with films based on real events, we know we're heading towards some sort of undefined tragedy, though it keeps its cards close to its vest. Given the social context, you can expect it to be generally harrowing.

3½ street crocodiles out of 5

Queer (2024)

Based on the unfinished novel by Naked Lunch author William S. Burroughs, Queer tells the tale of Lee (Daniel Craig), an American expatriate who putters about Mexico looking to get laid. He becomes infatuated by a much younger man and begins a lopsided, emotionally distant arrangement. As deeply uncomfortable as the material is, the fun comes in the final third of the film via hallucinatory imagery brought on by an ayahuasca trip. Kind of makes me wish I could have fast-forwarded past the first 90 minutes to get there quicker.

3 centipedes out of 5

I'm Still Here (2024)

AKA: Ainda Estou Aqui 

1970s Brazil—An idyllic, loving family unit is broken up by the far-right militia. This is an increasingly sad, painful story of intergenerational heartache and trauma. How it tears apart lives and wears them down psychologically, and how those wounds never heal over the years. It's harrowing to witness, even as the film presents as very empathetic to its circumstances. It goes without saying that the highlight of this film is Fernanda Torres's incredible portrayal as the matriarchal center who has to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. Based on the true story of Eunice Paiva.

4 old coats out of 5

The Room Next Door (2024)

AKA: La habitación de al lado

A war journalist with terminal cancer (Tilda Swinton) decides to willingly end her life and asks that her old friend (Julianne Moore) "be in the next room" when it happens so she won't be alone. This film presents like a two-person play, focusing on sharp dialogue and the relationships between characters. It feels like you're watching two masters at work and remains a very compelling narrative even though you know exactly what's coming. It's an intimate story that only falls apart in its final moments, but it's still well worth the journey.

With 40+ credits to his name, this is Almodóvar's first entirely English feature.

3½ pink snowflakes out of 5

Ghostlight (2024)

A depressed blue-collar worker reeling from an undefined tragedy is folded into a community theater program that doubles as a public therapy session. 

I consider a movie to be successful when it makes you feel real things, even when you have no personal connection to anything that's happening onscreen. This is a film that projects genuine emotion, full of kindness and humanity and empathy. I was fucking puddles by the end. It's a travesty that Keith Kupferer wasn't recognized for his quietly powerful performance examining male grief.

4 depositions out of 5

Presence (2024)

A ghost story told entirely from the ghost's point of view. The narrative is conveyed through its drifting camera work alone. An invisible disembodied spirit floats through the house, while things move around on their own and disturbances are felt by the family living within it. At the center is a teenage girl who the "presence" appears to be trying to contact. It's a unique, touching tale with a gentleness and simplicity reminiscent of A Ghost Story.

3½ mirror images out of 5

Companion (2025)

This is a very annoying movie to nut because of the prevalence of spoilers. The teaser trailer was perfect, but the official trailer gave away the biggest twist that is better off discovering on your own. So, try as I might, I found the one poster that didn't give away anything. Not that it really matters much; if you're interested in this movie at all, you probably already know the basic premise. It involves a couple heading to a weekend retreat at a remote cabin with some friends and...stuff happens. This is probably my vaguest review yet, but it's fun so long as you're kept in the dark.

3 corkscrews out of 5 (-½ for marketing)