Conclave (2024)

The Pope has died and it's time to choose a successor. Ralph Fiennes heads this papal mystery-thriller which I would call "beautiful but boring." The votes are split between more traditionalist and liberal minded values, while each of the top candidates appears to harbor a secret that calls their legitimacy into question. The cardinals are unable to come to the majority vote required for successful election, so they are forced to reconvene and argue their case before each new balloting. Were it not for an intriguing final act, I would suggest passing this up entirely.

3 turtles on the papal floor out of 5

The Apprentice (2024)

It's 1973, and Donald Trump is a whiny little bitch who still hasn't made a name for himself. He falls under the tutelage of Roy Cohn, who takes him under his wing and helps shapes him into the asshole he is yet to be, with his three golden rules: "Always attack, never admit wrongdoing, and always claim victory, even if defeated." And the rest is history.

It's a tough (almost dangerous) ask trying to make Trump seem sympathetic, but I guess they thought they'd hire a handsome actor and then add the jowls later. Sebastian Stan plays him as stiff and constipated, but it gets the job done. While the film aims to tell its story realistically and portray the events in a stark, unflattering light, it still ends up feeling like a cheap caricature when all is said and done. But maybe that's who these people really are. The problem is that this whole enterprise feels very anticlimactic. There's too much left on the table, and it's not as condemning as it could have been, given the wealth of information out there. The real feat here is how they actually made Roy Cohn the sympathetic one at the end of the day.

2½ scalp reduction surgeries out of 5

Saturday Night (2024)

It's 90 minutes before the very first episode of Saturday Night Live is set to premiere on October 11, 1975. Lorne Michaels frantically struggles to keep the cast's larger-than-life personalities in check, as he deals with snarky writers, cranky technicians and know-it-all executives coming down on him from all sides. It's a clash of egos between divas and assholes, and it's exhausting to say the least. I give Jason Reitman props for handling this source material which has become the stuff of legend at this point, although at times it feels more like an excuse to showcase a bunch of celebrity impersonations (as good as they may be). It seems like they took a lot of the stories and lore from the first year of SNL and crammed as many as they could into a two-hour time frame. It ends right where the first episode begins, so I guess seek that out afterwards to see how it all turned out. 

2½ bee costumes out of 5

Hundreds of Beavers (2022)

This movie shouldn't work and also has no business existing. Yet it's one of the most fiercely original comedies I've seen in a long time. It's a passion project shot on a shoestring budget (and it shows!), but somehow that all lends to its strangely irresistible charm. Basically imitating a black-and-white silent film from the 1920s, a fur-trapper struggles to survive in the wilderness during a particularly harsh winter by hunting animals who outsmart him at every turn. The gags are ripped straight out of Looney Tunes and slapstick comedies of old. There are obvious humans in cheap animal suits and glaring green screen effects. Again, everything about it doesn't make any sense on paper. And yet, it's incredibly silly, entertaining, creative and audacious. Just writing about it makes me want to watch it all over again. People who take themselves too seriously need not apply.

4 video game fetch quests out of 5

Sasquatch Sunset (2024)

What can I say about this movie? It's fantastically original and strange. Basically a nature documentary about four Sasquatch out in the wild, doing what Bigfeet do. There is no dialogue or subtitles, so the story is essentially told in grunts and a light musical score, as we follow their adventures into the wilderness and great unknown. It's hard to recommend this unless you really know what you're getting into, but it's delightfully memorable if you're strange in the head, like me. From the director of Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter, so you know you're in capable hands.

If you want more tall, hairy creatures walking around wailing at each other (although accomplished to lesser effect), check out the The Star Wars Holiday Special. If you enjoy the scenery and adventurous element of this film, I highly recommend Swiss Army Man.

3½ furious lactations out of 5

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)

"On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag full of toys for all the children." So the legend goes.

Charlie Brown's cut too many holes in his ghost costume. Snoopy imagines he's a WWI flying ace shot down by the Red Baron. Linus stays up all night in the pumpkin patch waiting for something that will never come. Disappointment all around; a metaphor for life. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.

Fun bit of trivia: This was the first Halloween special ever to be broadcast annually. Still ranks up there with the best of them.

5 rocks in the trick-or-treat bag out of 5

Garfield's Halloween Adventure (1985)

AKA: Garfield in Disguise

The fat orange cat loves Halloween. What's not to love? You get to dress up like a pirate and demand free candy from strangers. This one used to spook me when I was a kid because there was an actual element of danger to it. That's what used to make Halloween fun. Specials like this, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown still occupy a part of the brain I long associate with childhood. This is still worth revisiting nearly 40 years later.

5 HEEEEEEEYYY KIDS!!!!!! out of 5

Halloween is Grinch Night (1977)

A lesser-known follow-up (and prequel) to Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas! Objectively, this isn't a great special, but it grows on you through subsequent viewings. The animation style can only be described as a psychedelic fever dream; almost like Seuss took one too many mushrooms. Unfortunately, Boris Karloff was no longer around to lend his voice, and the songs aren't particularly memorable either, but somehow it still manages to capture an eerie aura that feels synonymous with the holiday.

If you can make sense of the muddled plot, you're a better Who than I.

2½ euphemisms out of 5

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)

This is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but as with a lot of content from childhood, it occupies a warm fuzzy space in the ol' cockles. You've got a 200-year-old curse, Eartha Kitt as a grizzled witch living in the woods, and a big ugly troll wandering around at night turning children into wooden dolls. What's not to love? This film used to traumatize kids back in the day because there was actual peril and stakes involved. Halloween was made for this shit.

You gain a fresh perspective and appreciation for certain things as you grow older. People who criticized these movies never got the point. Ernest was always meant to be a bit of lighthearted fun.

3½ Brussels sprouts out of 5

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

This sequel places the Sanderson Sisters front and center, which is a mistake. What happened to the kids from the first one? Thora Birch is old enough now. Meh. It attempts to revive some of the magic from (*checks watch*) 29 years ago, but it simply survives on the charm and chemistry of its three witchy leads. Fuck the kids. There is new backstory added (to make the villains seem even less menacing), but the whole thing loses steam pretty quickly. Unfortunately, it lacks any sort of edge, stakes or endangerment, and feels more like a safe, modern Disney Channel movie. It just goes to show how things have changed in the past 30 years, and it doesn't really get me excited about new content. The movie was passable (barely), but nothing I'll remember 20 minutes from now. For fans of the original only; there will be no converts here.

Oh well, at least they got poor ol' Billy Butcherson back.

2 trips to Walgreens out of 5

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Disney's cult classic about a trio of kids accidentally unleashing a curse and battling an ancient coven of witches. This one flopped upon release but found its audience years later through a constant appraisal during the Halloween season. While this is a family-friendly comedy (with notes of darkness), it's the kind of "PG" that would automatically be considered "PG-13" by today's standards, simply because everything has gotten watered down and kids are more sheltered than ever. This is a relic of a bygone era, and one I love to revisit time and time again.

Sarah Jessica Parker has never been hotter.

3½ yabos out of 5

Halloween Ends (2022)

I liked this one more than most people, mostly because it's driving a stake through the franchise. It says Halloween Ends and, by god, they actually do it.

Unfortunately, it was already announced that a new Halloween series is in the works, so I guess I should go fuck myself.

Happy Halloween!

2½ sewers out of 5

Halloween Kills (2021)

A very stupid sequel that dumbs down all the characters. The only redeeming quality are some decent brutal kills. Unfortunately, the ending really fucks up any goodwill leftover from the previous film. The biggest thing this movie had going against it was announcing that it was a trilogy ahead of time, so there were no stakes here. This one is only biding its time until the inevitable conclusion.

1½ mental patients out of 5

Jason X (2002)

"Unfortunately, some people who were too smart for their own good felt that a creature that couldn't be killed was simply too valuable to just file away. In the end, it always comes down to money."

In the distant future (2008), Jason is finally caught and sentenced for his crimes. Since he's unable to be executed, he's instead cryogenically frozen. He's uncovered in 2455 when a group of archaeologists discover him and unwittingly bring him back to life. This is actually a pretty solid setup for a futuristic movie, but sadly, the ingenuity ends there. The popular trope has always been to send the baddie to space once you've run out of ideas, but there is a knowing, tongue-in-cheek appeal to this movie, despite the fact that we're merely transposing the gory kills from the woods to a space shuttle. The CGI is probably the most glaring part of this because, as shitty as these movies are, at least the best ones were steeped in practical make-up and special effects. While there is a certain charm attached to early 2000s CG for those who grew up in that era, this film is hard to recommend to anyone but the most diehard of Friday fans.

This was essentially the last of the standalone Jason films; he went on to do battle with Freddy Krueger a year later in Freddy vs. Jason, then had a failed remake in 2009. And he's remained dead ever since (except in the hearts of horror fans).

1 Über Jason out of 5

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

It's the FINAL movie this time, guys! Promise!

This one has a kind of charm to it, although it's admittedly a huge mess. It attempts to establish a different tone from its predecessors and lean further into supernatural territory, which didn't go over well with many fans. However, there are lots of fun nods to horror directors and other films that reward a sharp eye. I'm giving it a lot more credit than it deserves, but I'm starting to warm up to the character.

The ending of this movie was a tease that would take another 10 years to come to fruition.

1½ Necronomicons out of 5