Frosty's Winter Wonderland (1976)

It turns out Frosty gets more pussy than I do. He's given a snow wife named Crystal in this one, while mean ol' Jack Frost tries to spoil their fun. It attempts to squeeze as much material left out of the original song as it can, but that well was already scraped dry by the end of the first one. It's nothing special, but kids of a certain age will probably enjoy it.

2½ parsons out of 5

Hot Frosty (2024)

*sigh*

Why do I do this to myself, you might ask? Because I fucking hate myself, that's why. Why else would I tune into an "update" of the Frosty story featuring the snowman as an anthropomorphized hot dude? Jesus fucking Christ, what has Christmas become? A frigid woman sees a chiseled ice sculpture of a snow-bro in the park who is somehow brought to life by a magical scarf. That's it. That's the movie. Every woman's fantasy, I guess?

In all seriousness, this is a tongue-in-cheek take on Hallmark films and it knows exactly how ridiculous the premise is. That doesn't excuse it from being a steaming pile of yellow snow, but at least it's self-aware enough to not take itself seriously. There is a sweet innocence about the character that reminded me a bit of Elf because he's always trying to help everyone out.

What becomes most apparent is that life is that much easier when you're hot.

2 just get it over with and fuck already out of 5

Adult Swim Yule Log 2: Branchin' Out (2024)

This sequel to the surreal holiday classic takes a bit of a different tack as a flagrant parody of Hallmark movies. The result is a mixed bag that feels like a much more straightforward horror-comedy than the experimental nature of the original. You can really only appreciate the subtleties if you've seen your share of cheesy Hallmark movies. That doesn't mean it isn't a hell of a lot of fun, and it pushes its demented premise to the max. I love how it plays with aspect ratios, especially the darker widescreen vibe versus the cheerful full frame effect, to convey the characters' state of mind. It's not as memorable or unsettling as the original, but it does succeed in being its own unique thing.

3 clumsy hunks out of 5

Adult Swim Yule Log (2022)

AKA: The Fireplace

The Yule log. A standard winter tradition. Designed to be a bit of background noise, it sets the stage for the season with a crackling fire overlaid with some heartwarming holiday tunes for ambiance. That lasts for all of two minutes...

Like Casper Kelly's (Too Many Cooks) other ventures, it's not just about what it seems on the surface. Throughout the 90-minute running period, it finds new ways to reinvent itself and get mileage out of its clever premise. It turns into a Lynchian mindfuck before long, elevating it to something truly nightmarish.

If you're a fan of Adult Swim's 4am programming block, move this to the top of your Christmas list.

4 hanging trees out of 5

A Creature Was Stirring (2023)

A mother caring for her sick daughter must deal with strangers who break into her house in order to take shelter from a deadly situation brewing outdoors.

What a bizarre fucking fever dream of a movie. From the hyper-stylized comic book red-and-blue color palette to the weird symbolism steeped in religious allegory. I still haven't found a satisfying explanation for any of it. It's one of those shitty low-budget horror flicks that's so strange and hard to recommend to others, yet it's memorable for all the same reasons. Did I like it? Did I hate it? I still don't know. I feel like this movie will get stuck in my head for no other reason than how confounding it was.

2½ porcupines out of 5

There's Something in the Barn (2023)

A Norwegian horror comedy about an American and his family moving to his ancestral family home in Norway, where they encounter a mischievous barn elf that gives them some trouble. It's a little bit of Gremlins and a little bit of Rare Exports. I thought it was great. Way more silly and fun than I expected, and I found the family dynamics very heartwarming and the Christmas theme very festive. I especially love that white and blue Norwegian landscape set against the red and greens of Christmas. I'm probably giving this one way too much credit, but it's something I'd definitely revisit for the holidays.

3½ lutefisk out of 5

It's a Wonderful Knife (2023)

A high concept horror comedy in the same vein as Freaky and Totally Killer, revolving around the premise of It's a Wonderful Life (i.e. seeing how events would be changed by your absence). The first 15 minutes rolls out the usual Hallmark holiday tropes and standard slasher fare, and the killer is revealed before the title card is even displayed. But that's when the movie finally comes into its own. Oddly enough, this one actually put me in good Christmas spirits. I recommend it if you're in the mood for something dark and festive.

3 Weirdos out of 5

Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Silent Night, Deadly Night meets The Terminator. An extremely low-budget slasher that knows exactly what it is and aims to be nothing higher. A couple of cheap thrills to be had, but it's your typical throwback horror movie set against bright red and green flashing lights. A momentary diversion and nothing more.

1 robot Santa out of 5

The Mean One (2022)

What if the Grinch went in the other direction, and instead of being accepted and knowing love, he ends up turning into a homicidal maniac who tortures the residents of Whoville Newville? This unofficial entry in the "Grinch" series (never once mentioned by name) is a low-budget pile of dreck starring David Howard Thornton (Terrifier) as the eponymous "green humanoid creature." There is absolutely no redeeming value to it, except to say that you survived watching it. It looks ugly, it's neither funny nor scary, and worst yet, it's just plain boring. Thornton is perfectly capable of inhabiting the Jim Carrey-esque physicality of the character, but he's given nothing interesting to do here. Somehow Cindy You-Know-Who ends up being the more interesting character.

½ an enlarged heart out of 5

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

I think I've always liked this film more than other people. That's because Jim Carrey is a walking cartoon, so he embodies the animated character so effortlessly. Ron Howard's adaptation of the misanthropic children's classic is a bit long in the tooth, but it's cemented itself in the minds of a lot of kids due to being aired annually on TV. It's not perfect by any means (they add a lot of backstory which I find a touch unnecessary), but it's a perfect accompaniment to the original, despite the fact that some of the Whovian make-up effects might trigger nightmares in smaller kids. But then again, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Those prosthetic effects (by Rick Baker) are excellent, although Carrey had such a hard time during the production that they hired a CIA agent to give him torture endurance training. That's what I call suffering for your art.

When you think about it, this is the original Wicked.

3½ thirty-nine-and-a-half foot poles out of 5

The Naughty Nine (2023)

Wasn't expecting much, so I wasn't able to be disappointed. Basically Ocean's Eleven for kids, who try to pull off a heist at the North Pole (seriously, there must be an easier way to get the latest game console). I found most of the characters precocious and annoying, which I guess is the point. Makes for some bright Christmas eye candy, but left me mostly with an empty feeling.

1½ elf parties out of 5

8-Bit Christmas (2021)

A Christmas Story for kids who grew up in the '80s. All Jake Doyle wants for Christmas is a Nintendo Entertainment System, and he must beg and claw his way to success. This movie hits home if you intimately know that gnawing feeling of envy when your neighbor shows off the latest electronic toys and all you can do is admire from afar. Probably not so much if you were the actual spoiled rich kid in question. With tons of heart, humor and nostalgia in full force (as well as the pain and tears), this is a new holiday classic in the making.

3½ Power Gloves out of 5

A Christmas Story Christmas (2022)

Oh man, I really wanted to love this more than I did. Set in December 1973 (33 years after the first story), it reunites Peter Billingsley along with the original cast of kids in a sequel reboot that celebrates the nostalgia of the holiday as an adult. It opens with the announcement that the Old Man has died, which casts a dark cloud over the rest of the movie, while a 42-year-old Ralphie must now take over the role as family man on Christmas. While sweet in many respects, it's a far cry from the brilliance of Bob Clark's original film. As a lifelong fan, this had a lot to live up to and that proved to be a foolhardy task. As nice as it is to see familiar faces 40 years later, it's equally as disappointing to see how age has ravaged a timeless classic. It's just depressing. Getting old is sad. Lightning doesn't strike twice, even when they attempt to recreate certain scenes shot-for-shot. Also, it would have felt slightly more special if Melinda Dillon had come out of retirement to play the mom again (she passed the following year). But time will tell if people continue to watch this sequel 40 years later, or if they'll just default back to the original.

2½ sled jumps out of 5

A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

Set 6 years after the first story, Ralphie is now a teenager and less interested in that Red Ryder air rifle and more interested in a Mercury Eight convertible and a girlfriend. A direct-to-video sequel (ignoring 1994's My Summer Story) that unfortunately squanders away all the goodwill from the original. At the very least, you've got Daniel Stern playing the Old Man, but the rest of the recasts don't exactly sit right with me. It's best to pretend this one doesn't exist at all (just like the subsequent film did).

1 used car lot out of 5

Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)

I'm not one for unnecessary hyperbole, but this might be the worst piece of shit movie I've ever seen in my piece of shit life. This type of plot makes no sense in 2021, where the world is more connected by technology than ever, and a 10-year-old rich kid left home alone hardly feels like cause for alarm, especially considering he's never in any real danger. And there's no way a spoiled brat like that has the old-school know-how to booby trap a house. I found the overuse of slow-mo to depict physical comedy to be grating and insulting to my intelligence. All of the choices in this film are so contrived and insipid, like they took the original film and stripped it of every beat of heart and humor until it is barely recognizable (it does not deserve the grace of "Somewhere in My Memory"). And who thought the one character we needed reprising from the original was Buzz?

This whole movie feels like a pointless cash-in of a franchise that has been in the trash since 1997, so I guess it's no big loss. Kids movies these days suck. Disney+ ruins another beloved holiday classic, and the whole production has the tacky quality of a made-for-TV movie. I feel so bad for the children who will grow up on this garbage. It's like they're training kids these days to become as dumb, boring and shallow as this film.

0 "ugly boy" dolls out of 5