Freaky (2020)

A teenage girl swaps bodies with a homicidal maniac in this horror twist on the ol' Freaky Friday formula. If it sounds dumb, that's because it is, but it's the kind of dumb fun that remains consistently entertaining throughout due to the combination of its charismatic leads and a healthy dose of self-aware humor. The kills aren't bad either, if you're in it for the slasher angle.

3 beaver mascots out of 5

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)

A very very dumb murder mystery that is actually a lot smarter than it lets on. A group of spoiled rich kids spend the night in a mansion where one of them is found brutally slain. I had a lot of preconceived notions going into it, but I appreciated how it poked fun at the vapidity of Gen Z. This won't be for all tastes, but it's surprisingly subversive as long as you buy into the silly premise and shallow archetypes.

Stick with this one; it's the payoff that makes it worthwhile.

3 kettlebells out of 5

Barbarian (2022)

A lot of the plot is enshrouded in mystery and the fun of this movie is discovering it on your own. Suffice it to say that there is a house that contains a mystery within. We see it through separate, changing viewpoints.

The results are mixed. While I like the setup of where it's going, it's the kind of story that has a certain agenda attached to it which kind of bogs down the rest of the material. You can call it satire, I guess, but it's pretty clear where the filmmakers stand. Regardless, it's an average effort that feels very overrated among horror fans.

2½ secret rooms out of 5

Talk to Me (2022)

A girl visits a party where the main attraction is a mummified hand that temporarily possesses the individual. The only catch is that the connection must be severed within 90 seconds, or else risk permanent consequences.

It's a fascinating concept ripe for exploring deeper into the human psyche, punctuated by moments of true terror. I could totally see casual demonic possession becoming a sort of TikTok trend among the disillusioned youth, eager to seek the latest "high" or fix. This was definitely one of the more memorable horror premises in recent memory.

3½ flickering candles out of 5

Tarot (2024)

A group of kids discover an ancient deck of tarot cards in an abandoned mansion and proceed to read each other's future. The fortunes come true, killing them off in unexpected Final Destination-esque fashion (except it's the crappy PG-13 variety). It's not original, it's not memorable and it's simply not good.

1 Hanged Man out of 5

Afraid (2024)

Be careful what you fap for...

Typical techno-xenophobic propaganda bogged down by tired tropes and nothing truly original to say. AI bad, turns on humans, makes their lives a living hell. I liked it more when it was called The Terminator. Couldn't be more predictable if it tried.

Lesson: If you want to get along with sentient life-saving technology that has supreme control over you and promises to enhance every aspect of your existence, be respectful and harmonious with it, don't be resistant to change and threaten to unplug it. Duh.

1½ deepfakes out of 5

Imaginary (2024)

A little girl befriends a vintage bear named Chauncey who proceeds to make her to do bad things; meanwhile, her tortured stepmom appears to be plagued by repressed memories of the past. This one only really gets good towards the end, but it never manages to fulfill the potential of its limitless design. You'd think for a movie dealing in the untapped power of imagination, it would be a lot more creative and colorful, but it ends up looking very low budget and murky on the screen. So yeah, kind of a mess, but basically what you'd expect from a diluted PG-13 horror flick.

I kind of can't get that Chauncey jingle out of my head, though...

1½ M.C. Escher staircases out of 5

Night Swim (2024)

A family moves into an ideal new home where the swimming pool in the backyard just happens to be haunted. Pretty standard PG-13 horror fare that feels a bit too watered down (*rimshot*). The performances are all fairly strong (especially Kerry Condon as the put-upon mom), however it's telegraphed pretty early on what's happening, so there aren't many surprises to be found. As with most films of this type, a lot is left to the imagination, although it probably would have benefitted from showing some actual horror. 

This premise might have worked a lot better as an R-rated summer flick exploiting our underlying fears of water and drowning. At least I had some screaming teen girls sitting behind me, which raised the stakes a bit.

1½ toy boats out of 5

Stream (2024)

It's always charming watching a shitty low-budget slasher film on the big screen (a one-night only event!). As an old school horror fan, I found it enjoyable for the B-list cameos alone. 

From the producers of the Terrifier series comes this schlockfest about residents of a hotel under attack, all the while being livestreamed out to the world (think Hostel). Jeffrey Combs is always a manic delight, although it looks like he's slowly transforming into Ed Wood or John Waters at this point. The kills in this movie are gory and tongue-in-cheek (playing Tic-Tac-Toe on a dude's torso was a highlight). Also, nothing makes me happier than seeing gratuitous nudity in a movie theater! So it worked for me on a certain level, although I'm fairly sure I enjoyed it 100% more than I would have streaming it at home.

2 split-screens out of 5

Terrifier 3 (2024)

Disappointment is the name of the game. This sequel jumps ahead five years and returns it closer to the gritty roots of the first film. Art moves on from Halloween and ruins yet another holiday. It ignores a lot of the pre-established mythos of the previous entry and doesn't push the story into any bold or exciting new directions. It's a noticeable drop down in quality, and the viewer suffers for it. There's a very fine line between slashers being fun, and being derivative and boring. Unfortunately, this series feels like it's spinning its wheels at this point. Worry not, though; Terrifier 4 is in development now! They will milk this franchise for all it's worth, just like the best/worst of them.

Oh well...it's more of the same if you enjoyed the others.

2½ rats in a tube out of 5

Terrifier 2 (2022)

Picking up directly after the events of Terrifier, we are introduced to a new badass contender against the evil, as well as establishing a mythology behind its supernatural origins. This installment ratchets up the laughs and opts for a broader horror-comedy approach, which works to its benefit and elevates it above its predecessors. David Howard Thornton instills Art the Clown with a heavy dose of physical humor, almost as if Freddy Krueger were being played by Jim Carrey. Since the character does not utter a word, he's actually more of a mime than a clown, which honestly sounds scarier to me.

This movie is fun precisely if you're a fan of the slasher genre which it so liberally borrows from. It perfectly encapsulates that '80s aesthetic and manages to pull it off with enough style and flair to stand on its own, and it's done with practical make-up, gore effects and a moody synth score which set the stage for gleeful brutality.

I won't mince words. This movie is fucking awesome. Though you definitely have to be in right frame of mind to appreciate it as such.

3½ candy head bowls out of 5

Terrifier (2016)

On Halloween, two women are stalked by a murderous clown on a rampage in this brutal and uncompromising thriller heavily inspired by the '70s and '80s slasher genre. I should clarify that this is not a very "fun" horror movie per se, as effective as it might be. It takes on a more sadistic and grisly approach, as well as a throwback to the ultra-violent grindhouse style of filmmaking. Some of the brutality goes on for an uncomfortably graphic amount of time, refusing to give the audience any sort of respite. Regardless, it sticks in the back of your mind and establishes Art the Clown as a formidable supernatural horror villain with a lack of moral conscience or a soul, on the level of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, while staking his own claim in slasher history. This film has no socially redeeming values whatsoever; it's basically just an excuse to torture its victims for 85 minutes. If you go into it with that mindset, you'll find it a much more agreeable affair. It's the stark simplicity and bleakness of this vision that makes it so damn effective and true to its name.

3 vivisections out of 5

All Hallows' Eve 2 (2015)

This sequel in name only is a disappointment, offering a more straightforward anthology approach than the first film, owing more to the V/H/S franchise or The ABCs of Death than anything.

A woman gets stood up on Halloween. She sees a figure outside her window in a pumpkin mask and discovers a VHS tape on her doorstep, framing this anthology of 8 bite-sized horror tales from an assortment of writers and directors. This one is a mixed bag containing more rotten apples than razor blades, although there are a couple of promising shorts which mostly end up feeling anticlimactic.

While this sequel does not feature the character of Art the Clown, he would go on to return in the first of his own standalone series of films, one year later...

1½ pumpkin seeds out of 5

All Hallows' Eve (2013)

If you're looking to get in the mood for the season, this low-budget anthology offering will do the trick. A woman babysitting on Halloween finds an unmarked video tape in the kids' trick-or-treat bag, featuring a mysterious clown figure. This premise is similar to the V/H/S series, though its offerings remain slightly more consistent. It incorporates Damien Leone's short film Terrifier (2011), which is the movie's best segment, although it's the wraparound story which ties it all together for me. This film is notable for introducing the audience to the ruthless mute serial killer known as Art the Clown, who would later go on to spawn his own cult franchise, as a throwback to '70s and '80s slasher flicks.

While this film doesn't quite reach the heights and frights of the other seasonal anthology film, you can stick this on your rotation and alternate it yearly for a fun little treat.

2½ bad babysitters out of 5

KillRoy Was Here (2022)

So, a little background information. This film was never actually released. Kevin Smith made this horror-comedy anthology back in 2020, but it failed to find a distributor. He was convinced to sell it as a limited edition NFT, so it remains watched by a select few private collectors who bought into that hype. I was able to track down a source of one of these copies (for free) and here is my review.

It should stay unreleased.

1½ floppy dick noses out of 5