Mandie and the Secret Tunnel (2009)

The Mandie books were never high literature, just generic, mary-sue mystery stories that I happened to love because the leading character shared my name. But somehow, Mandie and the Secret Tunnel has managed to crap all over its meager legacy. Most of the cast is incapable of maintaining an accent, let alone doing any sort of acting. The editing is really, really strange. I actually thought there was a codec issue, but I eventually realized that that's the way the movie is supposed to be. At least 50% of the film is two girls stalling for time while they wait for a male to come accompany them so they can go explore and move the story forward. There's not really much of a plot at all, aside from the will hunt. THERE ARE LIKE 40 MANDIE BOOKS, GUYS. MAYBE NEXT TIME, ADAPT MORE THAN ONE AT ONCE.

0.5 sassy black house servants who like to say child out of 5.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean (1992)

Mr. Bean is the ultimate Forever Alone guy, which probably explains my affinity for the character. Like Pee-wee and Ernest before him (I'm sensing a theme here), he's an oddball man-child who finds himself in awkward circumstances. This review may as well be for the entire series, because it's bloody brilliant. The department store Nativity scene, band conducting, Christmas tree thievery, turkey on the head, fireworks that go boom. If there's one thing to make you feel better about spending your Christmas alone, it's this special.

5 self-written Christmas cards out of 5

Note: I've only seen the unedited broadcast version on TV (with the "guess the weight" gag and other added bits); unfortunately the DVD release remains arbitrarily cut.

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

This is one of those movies that can only truly be appreciated with nostalgia glasses. If you weren't a kid around the time this came out, then you probably won't agree with the rest of my review. Like Pee-wee, Ernest P. Worrell is one of those goofy, misunderstood characters that I really identified with when I was younger (and I still do). Here, he plays a down-on-his-luck cab driver who transports Santa Claus (who is searching for a successor) and ends up with the magic sack in his back seat. This offers all kinds of opportunities for zany humor, but it's actually genuinely sweet and funny. As a kid, I fell in love with Noelle Parker...I'm talking head-over-heels in love here. I still feel pangs every time I see her...

4.5 Chuck & Bobby takes out of 5

Pee-wee's Christmas Special (1988)

I can't get that opening tune out of my head.

Here's your typical television Christmas special gone right. Featuring an array of special guest stars including Cher, Little Richard, Magic Johnson, Joan Rivers, k.d. lang and Zsa Zsa Gabor, it's a perfect snapshot of the 1980s. Full of Pee-wee's trademark imagination and some really weird innuendo (Floory asking Miss Yvonne to "stand over him" and an unexplained shirtless construction worker), it stands the test of time despite all the dated appearances. I shared this with my cousin a few years back and it still had the same impact on him as it did on me when I was a kid.

4 Christmas fruitcakes out of 5

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)

A Garfield Christmas Special is one of those rare treats that I look forward to all year long. Like A Charlie Brown Christmas, it's become a holiday tradition as well as a defining part of my childhood. Garfield, Odie and Jon head to the farm to spend the season with mom, dad, Doc Boy and dear old grandma (a colorful cast if ever there was one). Meanwhile, Odie's up to something strange and mysterious. It's fun and heartwarming and never fails to put a smile on this poor, jaded, disillusioned boy's face.

5 Binky, The Clown That Saves Christmas's out of 5

A Chipmunk Christmas (1981)

It's not Christmas without high-pitched, sped-up voices. This lovely animated tale finds Alvin giving away his prized Golden Echo Harmonica to a dying child only to find himself in a dilemma when he's asked to perform a solo at Carnegie Hall. He attempts to raise money for himself to buy a new one, much to Dave's dismay (who thinks Alvin is doing it for selfish reasons). It's such a well-meaning story, it's hard to regard it with anything but warmhearted optimism.

4.5 hula-hoops out of 5

It's a Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special (1992)

This primetime special was also the last episode of Tiny Toon Adventures to ever be produced. Parodying It's a Wonderful Life, Buster wishes he was never on Tiny Toons after his Christmas special gets sabotaged by Montana Max. It's hard to believe there was ever a time when children's programming was this entertaining and intelligent and funny. Now if there was an Animaniacs Christmas Special, we'd really be in business...

3.5 "no relations" out of 5

Bugs Bunny's Looney Christmas Tales (1979)

This offering includes three original 8-minute shorts. In Bugs Bunny's Christmas Carol, Bugs dresses up like a ghost and harasses Yosemite Sam's Scrooge character. Freeze Frame is a Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner short and one of the weakest entries in the series. The Tasmanian Devil drops in on Bugs in the telling of The Fright Before Christmas. Not the best that Looney Tunes has to offer, but it does feature Friz Freleng/Chuck Jones animation and Mel Blanc characterizations, so not all is lost.

2.5 white-stricken Sylvesters out of 5

Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)

The memories just come flooding back. One of my favorite adaptations of Dickens' A Christmas Carol (along with A Muppet Christmas Carol and Scrooged), it also manages to condense the story into a taut 25 minutes while remaining just as effective as any other retelling. The animation is lush and gorgeous and doesn't seem dated at all. An essential part of any childhood viewing.

5 Goofy door-knockers out of 5

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (1977)

Combining traditional puppetry and marionette work, this intimate production from Jim Henson Company crafts a beautifully lavish setting for the world of Emmett Otter. It's a sentimental, well-told story, however it lacks the brand of humor that gave the Muppets their edge. Still, it's full of fun, toe-tapping jigs and deserves to be considered a classic in its own right.

3.5 Riverbottom Nightmare Gangs out of 5

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987)

This is probably the best Muppet special ever made. It marks one of those rare occasions where the Muppet universe has crossed over with Sesame Street (lending to an awkward moment where the Swedish Chef tries to cook Big Bird), as well as cameos from Muppet Babies and Fraggle Rock. I forgot how truly funny these guys could be and the wonderful chemistry that Jim Henson and Frank Oz shared on camera. Features a delightful cameo near the end from Henson himself which just makes me feel even more warm and gooey inside.

5 icy patches out of 5

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1978)

I hadn't seen this movie in over 20 years.

Niagara Falls.

I'm still the same kid I've always been.

4 Feliz Navidades out of 5

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Sweet Jesus.
I had never seen this before, but I finally decided it was time to see for myself what the fuss was all about that would make Lucas himself want to go out and personally destroy every last remaining copy in existence.
I laughed, I cried, I cried some more...in fact, I spent a great deal of this movie crying. Half the special is in pantomime because it's just Wookiees walking around wailing at each other. No subtitles, nothing. I felt like I was watching some sort of perverse nature program. Is this really the best they could come up with?
So does it live up to its reputation? Yes, in spades. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Of course not. It's Star Wars. Fans eat up this garbage. I'd say you're better off just watching the Mark Hamill episode of The Muppet Show.

1 have a nice Life Day out of 5

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

(Alternate cover here.)
AKA: The Nutcracker: The Untold Story

Russian director Andrei Konchalovsky's 20-year vision for this retelling of the famous tale is equally disturbing and refreshing. Universally panned by critics for being too heavy-handed and intense for young children, I found it deliciously full of life and imagination. I don't even mind the fact that they sacrilegiously put Tim Rice lyrics to Tchaikovsky's music. Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane) gives his niece (Elle Fanning) a Nutcracker doll that has been placed under a curse by the evil Rat King (John Turturro). I'm sure it will give nightmares to children just as The Nutcracker Prince did for its time. Elle Fanning is so good here. Leave it to the movies to make me fall madly in love with a 9-year-old.

3 Sugar-Plum Fairies out of 5

Aria (1987)

Ten short films by ten directors (see comments for full list). They're mostly dialogue free and all have an aria as a musical accompaniment.

Ken Russell's was the most interesting visually; Julien Temple's the most interesting conceptually, and Jean-Luc Godard did things with sound like he always does, but overall they were dull and lifeless. Russell's and Roddam's were the only two I'd ever consider watching more than once, and only if I was forced to. Even Roeg failed to inspire this time.

0½ down the road not across the street out of 5