Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984)

It was officially released before Studio Ghibli existed but many of the themes and techniques that the studio is known for were birthed in Nausicaä.
The valley residents harness the power of the wind to survive, but the wind also carries poisonous spores from the polluted forests and swamps that cover the Earth. The relationship between man and nature is a delicate one that's thrown into turmoil when a warlike nation pushes their ambition too far. The titular Princess finds herself in the middle, forced to weigh her reverence for all life against the need to preserve and protect the innocent.
The three-decades-old animation is less sophisticated than modern Ghibli, but when placed in its own time it really shines, with the compassionate, level-headed Nausicaä on her glider being especially memorable.
The ending is abrupt but the scenes played over the credits compensate.

3½ angry ohmus out of 5

Blow Dry (2001)

I suppose the best way to describe this is as a quirky bite-sized English comedy peppered throughout a nicely touching and incredibly tidy drama. Don’t expect War & Peace and you should be mostly fine, even if you don’t have an interest in hair and the extravagant dressing thereof. The only genuine problem afoot is one of accents. I’m never sure if I should be upset with the one Hartnett affects or Rachael’s completely inexplicable lack of one. Probably both. If you like any of the players, it’s worth a shot, as there’s even some nice symbolism on display.

3 Completely Misleading Posters out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Stateside (2004)

Stateside’s negatives must be immediately addressed so they can be summarily discounted. I am almost certain that the reason no literal combat is shown is because of the film’s lack of endorsement by the U.S. Armed Forces. While I think it would have been a plus, I assure you that there is more than enough emotional engagement on display. One snippet of a scene seemingly contains a continuity gaffe, but it may have been initially shot to be used earlier in the film and simply re-purposed. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so many words on non-issues! Stateside is so incredibly genuine and the dialogue is awkwardly-truthful PERFECTION. There are moments where it vies to be the most philosophical and poetic thing I’ve ever experienced.

5 Career Defining Performances out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Curse of the Golden Flower (2006)

It was marketed as a wuxia film in the style of Yimou's Hero (2002) and House of Flying Daggers (2004), but that was a lie. Okay, there is some martial arts action, but Flower has more in common with a plodding soap opera. It looks expensive but it's terminally boring. Truly, all that glitters is not gold.
Personally I found the colour palette of Hero to be beautiful in its simplicity, with Flower being the direct opposite. And while details in costumes and sets are gorgeous, they're overwhelmed by gaudy golden hues.
If the plotting was up to snuff it would compensate, but it fails there too. Chow certainly looks the part as a moody Emperor, as does Gong Li as his bored housewife Empress, but the drama between them is flat, barren and uninteresting. When something eventful happens it feels hollow. The only memorable character was the Imperial Doctor's wife (played by Chen Jin).

2 threaded chrysanthemums out of 5

F for Fake (1973)

In Orson's own words, it's a "film about trickery," which is something that's explored in both the subject matter and through the medium via which it's presented. Part documentary, part biopic, and part essay on the nature of what's real and what's fake, the film twists perceptions while remaining wholly faithful to its own agenda, whatever that may be at any given time.
Its carefully constructed randomness is anything but. Hiding insight inside of hindsight, at times it's as frustrating as it is revealing, but about what exactly is open to debate. Ultimately, it's a work made and narrated by Orson, but might be more about him than anyone else featured in it, real or constructed.

4 authentic mixtures out of 5

The Kite Runner (2007)

I didn't read a single word of the blurb on the DVD box. I hit play with no idea where the film would take me. Others may disagree, but for me it was a story of reconciliation with oneself and redemption through action.
The two boys pictured are best friends Amir and Hassan, one a well-off child and the other the son of a servant. Growing up together in Afghanistan in the late 70s the boys face familiar challenges and ones unique to their situation.
As the years pass and the country is torn apart their lives go in different directions, but even when separated by physical borders and intangible time the bond between them keeps them tethered to each other.
It's not as straightforward as that may sound, there's more complex issues in need of resolve, but you'll discover them yourself if you watch it.

4 fair odds out of 5

ALIEN: COVENANT [2017]

Director Ridley Scott's Alien: Covenant is a sequel to Prometheus and a prequel to Alien.
A colony ship's crew find a beautiful planet inhabited by a being that has a thirst for hugging their faces and bursting their chests.
As an Alien film it's really quite pointless but tries to make itself relevant by asking many questions about faith, science and the whole evolution jibber-jabber.   In the fog of all the one-dimensional characters it clumsily gives the Xenomorph a backstory that quite frankly neuters the horror of the creature.  Apart from a particularly wonderful action sequence, Michael Fassbender's performance and Jed Kurzel's Jerry Goldsmith-homage musical score, the film is an uninspired bore that really struggles to find a point in existing.

2½ John Denver transmissions out of 5

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING [2017]

Clown director Jon Watts is curiously given the big order of bringing Spidey fully into the MCU with the John Hughes inspired Spider-Man: Homecoming.
Wasting no time with an origin story, the film dives right into the action with a band of criminals use the alien wreckage from The Avengers' New York battle to become a threat that might be too big for Spidey to handle on his own.
By ignoring the Uncle Ben story there's little tragedy to flesh out the character of Peter Parker and instead it opts to focus more on his struggles a "normal" teenager.  Apart from this major flaw the film is purely entertaining popcorn escapism in fine form with one of the MCU's best villains to date.

3½ Cappy America Public Service Announcements out of 5

Mesrine: Part 2: Public Enemy Number 1 (2008)

aka Mesrine: L'ennemi Public № 1 / Public Enemy Number One (Part Two) / Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One

Part 2 covers the years 1973-79, taking us back to the beginning of Part 1. Having notched up an impressive number of bank robberies and jail breaks over the years and embarrassing the judicial system many times over, Mesrine is elevated to their most-wanted. As such, there's an increased police presence this time, even going so far as to give the titular gangster a kind of nemesis by the name of Broussard (Olivier Gourmet).
Cassel's portrayal of Mesrine is still excellent. He's overweight, toying with misdirection, enjoying his notoriety and attempting to use it as a tool in his personal vendetta against the system that abused him.
It has a longer running time than Killer Instinct had, but it isn't as satisfying dramatically. The finale, however, is amazingly good.

3½ profile shots out of 5

Mesrine: Part 1: Killer Instinct (2008)

aka Mesrine: L'instinct de mort / Public Enemy Number One (Part One) / Mesrine: Part 1 - Death Instinct

The first part of a two-part biopic of the real-life French gangster Jacques Mesrine, played by Vincent Cassel in both films. The basic structure will be familiar to fans of gangster films, but the presentation is unusual, employing a number of different shooting styles and some clever use of split-screen effects, all in a very French manner. I was forced to concede that even techniques I dislike had a definite power to them.
Equally powerful is Cassel in the lead role. He's clever, sharp and utterly fearless. He's also charming when he wants to be, but a monster when pushed too far. The film begins in 1979, but jumps back to chart Mesrine's activities in the years 1959 to 1972. It's only part of the story, however, so make sure you have access to Part 2: Public Enemy Number 1 before you even begin.

4 off-the-books jobs out of 5

Babette's Feast (1987)

A tale of two sisters, pious pastor's daughters, and their French housekeeper and cook, Babette (Stéphane Audran). As the decades go by the sisters, Filippa (Bodil Kjer) and Martine (Birgitte Federspiel), dutifully continue their father's religious work, while Babette remains just as dedicated to hers.
Based on a short story by Karen Blixen, Dir. Gabriel Axel's film is a drama with a wonderfully warm and uplifting comical side to it. The feast of the title nourishes in a way that food prepared without genuine heartfelt purpose can't ever hope to achieve, for both the characters and the viewer.
It doesn't feel like a film made in the late 80s; its timeless beauty is as refreshing and as satisfying today as when it was first released.

4½ possibilities out of 5

The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)

If you're as old as I am, then there's a chance you'll have spotted something on the ridiculous cover art that lets you know exactly what you're in for (besides Lou Ferrigno cosplaying the lovechild of Hercules and Conan the Barbarian). Situated in the corner is the telltale hexagonal logo of the Cannon Group. Yes, we're in Cannon territory, folks, so adjust your expectations accordingly.
Like the title implies, it's a ripoff of Seven Samurai (1954) and The Magnificent Seven (1960) but in a gladiatorial era. The leather-fetish-clad figure pictured third in the orderly queue on the cover is the antagonist that Ferrigno and his posse must vanquish, a half-god son of a sorceress.
It's a good-natured romp with scenes stitched haphazardly together and dubbing that's bad but not as atrocious as I'd feared it would be.

1½ sword tricks out 5

Mark of the Vampire (1935)

In a loose sound adaptation of the silent London After Midnight (1927), Tod Browning remakes his own film. Anyone with knowledge of the original's plot can surmise this film's twist, but vampires are to blame for a murder in an indeterminate Scandinavian land. With an original runtime around 80 minutes, studio meddling left it at a mere 60. The result is a less than coherent story. Character motives are foggy, supporting roles are abbreviated, and extreme jumps in tone occur between scenes. On repeat viewings one will easily notice massive plot holes. The film must be taken at face value: a slightly parodied take on the vampire superstition. MotV does however include enough hypnotizing scenes of creepy-crawlies, Bela Lugosi's trademark glare, and one brief but truly haunting vision of a vampire's aerial descent to be considered a memorable horror classic.

3 bat horns out of 5

Vigilante (1983)

After his success with Maniac (1980), director William Lustig widens expectations with the revenge flick Vigilante. Despite upgrading from 35 mm to CinemaScope, the film still retains a gritty feel. This was attained by channeling some of the trashier neighborhoods in New York for its locations. The sleazy satisfaction is still there, but it also scores as a competent drama. I only wish Robert Forster had been a little less stone cold in his acting. Everyone deals with tragedy differently, but nary a tear is shed for his loss. From the building crescendo in Jay Chattaway's score to the satisfying pursuits of each villain, Vigilante is a modern day western.

3½ car bombs out of 5

Scalps (1983)

An early entry in b-movie director Fred Olen Ray's prolific career, Scalps follows a group of archaeological students on an illegal dig where they end up releasing vengeful Native American spirits. In format it's a simple slasher, but the addition of the unique settings, situations and villain help set it apart. Despite this being a severely low budget and almost guerilla-style film, I can't overlook its negatives. It's downright ugly. The lighting is drab, the camerawork amateurish and the continuity uneven. I'll give it points for some creative antagonists and a halfway decent ending, but overall that's not much.

1½ lion faces out of 5

The Sword and Sorcery Collection

Wiki describes the term as 'a subgenre of fantasy generally characterised by sword-wielding heroes engaged in exciting and violent conflicts,' with elements of 'romance [...] magic and the supernatural.' It mentions also that it often overlaps with Heroic Fantasy films, as does my list below.
The Hyborian Conan is the undisputed king, but there are plenty of other heroes for hire; you'll more than likely find them standing stoutheartedly on hills while the sun sets; temporarily chained in dank castle dungeons; or jovially drinking and wenching in taverns. I still love the genre, but I feel that modern film techniques have sucked most of the soul out of it – its heyday is over, sadly. Here's what we've got so far (arranged alphabetically):

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES [2017]

Directors Joachim Rønning & Espen Sandberg take Captain Jack Sparrow out for a fifth spin Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.
Once again Sparrow is in search of a mystical treasure while a ghostly revenge-seeking pirate is hot on his trail.    You know the deal when it comes to these films.
After the previous film was so dismally dull it's nice to see the enthusiasm is back, even if the series has clearly run it's course.  It's a tighter story, more well-paced and with lowered expectations there's actually quite a bit of silly fun to be had.

3 ghost sharks out of 5

BATMAN: ASSAULT ON ARKHAM [2014]

Batsy plays second fiddle to the Suicide Squad in director Jay Olivia & Ethan Spaulding's animated film Assault on Arkham.
Ol' Amanda Waller sends the Squad out on a mission to hunt down The Riddler, imprisoned in Arkham Asylum, who is holding onto a flash drive that contains some very important secret information.
I normally like me a heist film but somehow this one comes off as predictable, boring and easily forgettable.  It misses the opportunity to explore some interesting character conflicts and instead it blindly rushes into the action and mayhem without any reason to give a shit.  Is it better than the recent live-action Squad film?  No.  Not really.  It's about the same with even less flare.

2 bullet-proof prison cells out of 5

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE [2005]

Director David Cronenberg adapts Judge Dredd co-creator John Wagner's graphic novel A History of Violence for the screen.
After saving his diner from a pair of robbers, a man must face what comes afterwards when he's considered a local hero.
Loosely adapting someone else's material makes for a fairly normal film for Cronenberg but it doesn't mean it's tame by any means.  With more character than plot leaves more for the actors to chew on and Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello and Ed Harris do it well.  It's violent, funny and intense sometimes simultaneously.  A fine piece of Cronenberg fare.   

4 little punk-ass, chicken-shit, faggot bitches out of 5

LIFE [2017]

Director Daniel Espinosa tries his hand at the 'In Space No One Can Hear You Scream' genre with Life.
Here we have a team aboard an international space station that's discovered signs of life on Mars but unfortunately for them this sign of life means to extinguish theirs.
After the viewer is enthralled by the opening eight minute long shot, reminding us Gravity created that intense disorientation ten times better, things quickly go downhill from there.  It seems so intent on making the science seem convincing it immediately grounds the film in a way that it leaves little otherworldly imagination to work with.  I've never seen Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds look so painfully bored with what they're doing, so it's refreshing to see Rebecca Ferguson give it all she's got, which still isn't enough.  This movie is just, inside and out, unoriginal and mundane.

2 Flubbers on the warpath out of 5

Turtles Are Surprisingly Fast Swimmers (2005)

With her husband away on business most of the time, twenty-three-year-old Suzume (Juri Ueno) spends her days at home being bored and feeling ordinary, feeding the pet turtle daily and contemplating what life would be like if she was an exciting person like her best friend Kujaku (Yū Aoi).
Using the clichéd but still usually enjoyable dramatic irony that fuels a lot of indie films, Turtles plays around with the reversal that occurs when someone with an average existence suddenly becomes extraordinary but must try to appear ordinary to onlookers. It's fun, but personally I prefer quirks be more subtle than what's used, and I felt the whole thing went beyond whimsical into rather aimless territory. But perhaps that was the goal all along?
My favourite player was the ramen chef, played by Yutaka Matsushige.

2½ inconspicuous activities out of 5

High Plains Drifter (1973)

Like a lot of Westerns it begins with a lone stranger riding into a frontier town accompanied by wind and dust. In HPD the town is named Lago, which, in truth, is less of a town and more a collection of lonely buildings situated at the edge of nowhere. Fearing for their lives the residents of Lago ask the newcomer for aid and, for a price, the stranger obliges.
What's different about HPD is the offbeat tone that follows Clint as he sets things in motion. As we watch him prepare the cowardly townspeople, in essence helping them to help themselves, we're aware of a deeper motivation at work, one that ticks like clockwork just beneath the surface of the familiar setting, helped along by some occasional spaghetti influences. HPD gets overlooked by a lot of people in favour of Clint's more famous works, but it absolutely holds its own even when placed next to the best of them.

5 tits on a boar out of 5